Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school. [13]

Hi there,
I am going to take TOEFL test and I have some problems with my writing.
I study by myself and I have no companions to help me check out my essays.
I really need your help :)
Here is my essay ... Plz help me ...

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
All students should be required to study art and music in secondary school.
Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

Nowadays, students have to study many subjects in secondary school. Of all subjects which include social science, natural science, etc., students also study subjects that require and develop their creativity, such as art and music. Many people look down on these subjects because of many reasons. In contrast, I personally agree with the statement that art and music should be a requirement in secondary school. There are many reasons for my point of view.

First, as I have mentioned, art and music can enhance the development of students' creativity, an important factor that is highly appreciated by many recruiters in this modern world. When a lot of people have become much more stable with their conservative thoughts, those with creative ideas turn out to be a precious gift for life. In the other word, art and music are very important to help people; especially students in secondary schools entirely develop. It seems to be certain that everyone all over the world have heard about Mozart, a genius musician who was born and grown up in the rhythm of music and many scientific documents have proved that what made Mozart become genie is music and art. Therefore, if students in secondary schools are required to study these subjects, their future seem to be brighter because they are potential to be many other Mozart. In addition, the world needs their ability to be better for people to live.

Second, no one can deny that art and music also have the ability to help people relax. Nowadays students are always in stuck with so much homework from their teachers, and with numerous extra classes to keep up with or even outdo their peers at school. They seem to have no free time at all for sport, sleeping, or even relaxation. That is one of the reasons why students should be required to study art and music at secondary schools as a way for them to rest. They need to take a rest to continue climbing so many mountains that this tough life force them to. By taking advantage of time in class with many friends, they can have happy time to balance their study and entertainment. In my opinion, it is very crucial for secondary school students nowadays. Nobody wants our new generation will be bookworms who just know to study, eat, and sleep, without ability of music or art. This is really a tragedy.

In conclusion, so that students can develop all their potential such as creativity, adults, especially educationists should create good conditions for students in secondary school to study art and music. It will be better if they are required to study these subjects. Together we hope that in the future there are more and more genies appearing by this change and helping others so that the world will be a better place for people to live in.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Reasons to attend university or college; 'higher hierarchy in society' [6]

Dear friends,
Plz help me to correct any mistakes.
Thanks so much in advance :)

People attend college or university for many reasons (for example, new experience, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

The development of economic market in the world has led to lots of changes in human life which include the advancement of education. Demands for gaining knowledge and endeavors to approach higher status in society and many other reasons have forced more and more people to attend college or university. In my own opinion, nowadays, people tend to participate in university or college because of two main following reasons.

First, people have a tendency to attend colleges or universities because they want to increase their academic knowledge that effectively serve their career. Plus, this is considered the fastest way to reach the goal of the majority of people. In addition, one of the most important functions of universities and colleges is to equip students with necessary skills to be well done when pursuing their lives' dreams. For example, you will have a chance to get to know many specialized subjects such as Econometrics, Accounting Theory, Economic Laws, and so on if you are major in Business Management. This will provide you with background knowledge which helps you a lot in the future.

Second, attending college and university to get certificates is also the main purpose of some people. We can not deny that certificates play an important role in one's life if he wants to take promotion in his company or get a higher salary. For instance, compared with a normal blue - collar employees, those who have qualification have higher status and are more respectful than the others in the same company. As a result, all people who have enough good conditions decide to attend university and college. This also result in the problem that parents and relatives always have live up to their children to successfully fight for a chance at university, which has become an urgent problem in modern life nowadays.

In conclusion, modern life has provided people with more opportunities to acquire better knowledge and chance to improve their education. Attendance in university and college is a chance like such. It helps people to stay up to date with information and approach higher hierarchy in society. There may be many other reasons for a person to decide to join in a university, and those are my points of views. How about yours?

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Parents are the best teachers? Yes, they know their children better [2]

Dear my friends,
Plz help me to correct any mistakes.
I very appreciate your help.
Thanks in advance.^__^
yin.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Parents are the best teachers.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

No one can deny the importance of education in the development of a person. There are many factors that affect the process perfecting personalities of a child, one of which is the role of his parents. Somebody has said that "Parents are the best teachers". To my point of view, I agree with this statement for two following reasons.

First, parents are very first people that have connection with their children. Many statistics have proved that children who enjoy their parents' affection are more intelligent and creative than those lacking parents' caress and emotion. What parents do silently but strongly influent their children's behaviors and habits. In my case, my parents have tendency to live peacefully with everybody. Therefore, my sister and I also tend to get along well with other people. In other words, we don't like to live in a competitive environment with other people. In brief, because parents have a significant effect on their children, children are happy if they have good parents, who are regarded as the first and the best teachers.

Second, children often obey their parents rather than their teachers at school. Because they spend two third of their time staying together with their parents, they tend to consider what their parents say always the truth. That is also the reason why there are customs and culture of family which hard to do differently. Although children may have many chance to have relationships with their teachers and their peers, it is not enough to fight against what they have been affected by their family, especially their parents. We are now familiar with the scenario that some violent parents who lose their control go to their children's school to make complaints about the teacher under the observation of many children. We sadly wonder where the true value of teachers is nowadays. That is only the negative side of an issue. There is no doubt that if children have good parents, this will be the luckiest gift that God gave him.

In conclusion, people may have another option whether to agree or disagree with the idea that "parents are the best teachers". To my point of view, I absolutely agree with this opinion because I believe that the time the children stay with their parents and the closest relationship between them are the most important factors that is not easily to possess strongly influent the development in children's personalities. In other words, parents play the most important role in educating children.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Rewards and Productivity [7]

Dear friends,
I have just finished my piece of writing but having no one to help me comment it.
Hope that you guys can help me
Thanks so much.
Best regards,
yin.

Both the reading and the listening mention the relationship between rewards and productivity in business management. While the reading claims that rewarding employees by compensation or incentives can create positive affect which boost the productivity, the listening cast doubts on this point of view by asserting that this method to increasing efficiency of workers can turn out to be counterproductive.

First, in the lecture, the professor stands on the side of the fact that there are many people who don't prefer this form of rewarding. In their opinion, this way is a camouflage for a kind of punish. The more they are desirably rewarded, the more they have to work harder to deserve this. Therefore, the professor concludes that workers don't expect to get more reward as people have assumed. This point of view clearly challenges the point made in the reading that reward makes a positive influence on the employees by giving them motivation to devote themselves to the current job. This plays an important role in increasing company's productivity.

Second, in the listening, the professor also points out an amazing fact that rewards may affect the relationship between workers and their supervisors. In fact, when a worker is put under the pressure of rewards, he may not dare to ask his investigator for more information he is still confused because he will be afraid that his supervisor will have negative impression towards him. This refutes the fact stated in the reading that rewards always force people in motion and create the most positive influence.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] 'unforgettable time' - Childhood is the happiest time of people's life [4]

Do you agree or disagree with the statement "Childhood is the happiest time of people's life"?

Everyone has their own childhood with tons of remembrance to look back whenever they have difficulties in life. There is a statement that "Childhood is the happiest time of a person's life". Regardless of sadness, failure, and even misery happening in the past, I am sure that childhood is the happiest time of my life. I absolutely agree with the statement above. Here are some reasons.

First, when still a child, we don't have to concern about everything happening in our daily life, such as money, job, success, ambition, or many things like that. All our daily meals are sufficiently supplied by parents and relatives. What we are required is to sleep, eat and study. Time of childhood is the same as time we spend in heaven. The more we grow up, the more we regret and make a wish to come back to the time we were still children who are always happy and have no worry and defense to this tough but interesting life. In my case, I always keep memory of my childhood deep in my heart. I always recall it to console myself whenever I have obstacles in my life because in that remembrance, there are my family, my parents, and my siblings.

Second, being a child we can have a lot of friends with innocent soul and heartfelt affection. When we grow up, we have to go to work. And naturally, we have a lot of colleagues who always in competitive position to struggle for their ambition regardless of safety of other people. At that time, we often think of the days when we were young, we had lots of friends who were very kind - hearted and always eager to help and protect us. No one can deny that it was the happiest time in their lives.

In conclusion, childhood is the time unforgettable in life of each person in the world. Not only because of the life of without worries, concerns can we enjoy, but because of our closed friends, family, relatives do we love as well. And we cannot deny that there is something when the more people grow up, the more they can never possess it again. Do you agree with me? Let's share your points of view.

Pls help me by commenting on it.
Thank you guys so much.
Best regards,
yin

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Tidal Power_Integrated task. [3]

Dear friends,
Pls help me by giving your feedbacks for this writing part.
Tks so much.
Cheers,
yin ^__^

Both the reading and the lecture mention tidal power. While the passage points out lots of advantages of tidal power, the speaker casts doubt on this idea by giving evidences about the flaws of this kind of power.

First, the professor claims that tidal power can never supply enough energy to produce electricity that can satisfy the total needs of people. However, in some specific cases, it can satisfy the demand for energy at local level. This refutes the point of view made in the material that nowadays, technology is available to convert tidal power into electricity power, which can be a substitute for fossil fuel some day. In the other words, it can serve the vast demand for energy of human beings.

Second, in the lecture, the speaker stands on the side that tidal power and the process of converting it into electricity energy may have a negative effect on the environment. Particularly, this will change the quality of water, which can lead to more serious impacts such as changing the local wildlife or even destroying the current creatures. More seriously, this can lead to the decline of the local economy because people who live with fishing career now cannot navigate to the sea any more. All these things seem to cast doubt on the claims made in the reading which backs up the view that tidal power has much positive influence on the environment such as providing renewable, environmental - friendly source of power for human beings

Undergraduate / [Application essay]Dream to study abroad ... [10]

Dear friends,
Please help me by letting your feedbacks, your experience and even your criticism on my first essay to apply for a university in Singapore.
Many thanks,
yin.

This section is an opportunity for you to elaborate on the information you have provided earlier. You may wish to discuss a special talent, a personal experience or an activity that you have been involved in that is of relevance to the course that you are applying for at the university.

As there is only limited space (2000 characters), you are encouraged to present your ideas in focused and thoughtful manner.

I still clearly remember the lyrics of the song "What will be, will be" with peaceful melodies.

"When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be.
Will I be pretty, will I be rich.
Here's what she said to me.
Que sera, sera.
Whatever will be, will be.
The future's not ours, to see
Que sera, sera
What will be, will be"

In truth, this is my most favorite song. However, I do not believe in the fact that "the future's not ours, to see; what will be, will be". If I believed in the so called "fate", there wouldn't be my passion to make my dream of studying overseas come true like this at the moment.

The way that leads me to studying business is rather tough and incidental. Especially, when I have a determination to make my dream of becoming a successful and globally influential businesswoman come true, it turns out to be more difficult to pursue. However, nothing's impossible!

I used to think that I would become a teacher not a businesswoman. I was born in a traditional family. My parents were teachers. I was deeply impacted by their thoughts. However, I changed my mind in the end. I chose Foreign Trade University, a university major in economics. Perhaps, I had rather pragmatic thoughts at that time. My biggest dream is to travel around the globe. If I became a teacher with average salary for teachers in Vietnam, would I make my dream come true? In addition, I wanted to challenge. FTU is one of the universities whose benchmark is the highest in my nation. I was nervous when applying for FTU because I had spent my high school's years at a small town without good conditions like students from big cities. Plus, I was not sure I had talent in the field of economics. I just had a wish to change the traditional path of my family. But after one year study at FTU, now, I'm confident to say that I can go further on the way conquering economic knowledge.

During the past year, I took part in many social activities. Frankly, I used to think that my main purpose to join extra activities was to make my achievements more colorful. Now, after years doing such activities, I regret there were such vile thoughts in my mind. I joined in SIFE team of FTU to conduct projects to help the poor and disabled. As a project leader of the project solving the environmental issues in Ben Tre province, I experienced lots of precious lessons from practical life, one of which was "To be a successful businessman, at first, you must learn how to give and how to live" I can feel that deeply in my heart there is love for the citizens living in the environment seriously polluted by the smoke from coconut coal.

I want to study abroad partly due to this reason. By this way, I can get the most updated knowledge from foreign countries to help my citizens. And of all universities considered, I choose NUS because I know that NUS can give me the best environment to make my dream come true. Conquering NUS is the first step of the plan for my future. Therefore, regardless of how far the way to NUS is, I will go till the end.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]I dont agree that businesses should do anything they can to make a profit! [6]

This is my essay. Please help me by letting your feedbacks.
Thank you so much.

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Businesses should do anything they can to make a profit.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

The conflict of emotion and reasons is always serious and has become the most difficult ï to ï solve problem. In business, it appears more and more violent. In fact, many people support the ideas that businesses should do anything to make a profit. That sounds sensible because the nature of businesses is to create profit. However, I disagree with this point of view. I personally think that besides profit, businesses should also care about other important issues that directly affect human beings' life, such as business ethics and environmental sustainability.

To begin with, people who do business also have to care about ethic problems besides making money. That is responsibility of businesses or corporate towards communities, consumers, employees, etc. to create a better environment for human to live and develop. In all cases, it seems to conflict with making profits therefore people often leave it behind although it's very important. For example, when a company wants to increase it profit in recession period, it can fire lots of employees at the same time regardless of how long they have attached with the company or how well they have performed in their duties. It doesn't care about how these workers can manage for their daily meals or even their fate. This can be considered to be inhuman. Therefore, in addition to aim at profits, businesses also have to take other factors into consideration, especially ethic ones.

Moreover, businesses also have to take environmental factors into account. This means that when doing business to satisfy the present's needs, people have to assure that their business will not compromise the future's needs and resources. In fact, when lured by profits, many businesses will not care about any other problems. The conflict between money and environmental issues is always violent. For example, in my country, people often burn a lot of coconut shells to create a type of coal, which is called "coconut coal". By selling this kind of products, they can earn a lot of money. Although they know that the process of burning these shells can emit a great amount of extremely toxic smoke which can damage their habitat and health, they won't stop because this brings them profits. For that reason, I think that besides making money, businesses should also care about environmental issues to protect themselves and human beings.

In conclusion, I advocate the point of view that when making profits, businesses should also take many factors into account, such as ethics and environment. By this way, businesses will have a sustainable development and positive impacts on the community and human beings.

Writing Feedback / education at schools is necessary for all people, not just excellent students [3]

This is my essay. Please help me by letting your feedbacks here. Thank you so much.

Some people believe that a college or university education should be available to all students. Others believe that higher education should be available only to good students. Discuss these views. Which view do you agree with? Explain why?

Education is an essential part of human's life when our society has more and more developed. Especially, education at universities and colleges has played an important role when new era of technological advancement appears. However, there are still some people who believe that a college or university education should be able to only to good students. On the contrary, I advocate the idea that a college or university education should be available to all students. There are many reasons.

First, education at colleges or universities is necessary for all people, not just excellent students because the main purpose of education especially college or university education is to provide learners with knowledge and skills to adapt to the developing world. Imagine there were only good students joining in universities or colleges, this would lead to the serious lack of workforce in the future. This is easy to understand because only good students are trained and equipped with specialized knowledge, however, the large number of other people isn't. That is the first reason why education is for everyone, not good students only.

Second, another purpose of many colleges or universities to maintain their curriculum is to make profits to partly submit it to the State budget. This type of profits from universities has contributed a lot to the State budget. Therefore, it is apparently sensible and necessary. If only good students were able to join in universities, many problems would arise. In order to make this clearer, let's imagine the situation in which there were lots of good students without money to pursue higher education while there were a great number of people with good conditions but they weren't allowed to study more. Universities couldn't make money; State budget would be affected; needs were not satisfied. All turns out to be disadvantage. Therefore, there shouldn't be any limit for those who want to pursue higher education.

In conclusion, I always support the idea that education, especially education at colleges and universities should be available for people, not just good students only because I believe that the noblest purpose of education is to train and equip learners with necessary knowledge and skills. This means that there is no boundary among people who want to pursue higher education. Moreover, this is also meaningful and important because it has relationships with profits of universities, rights of learners and the State budget as I have mentioned.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Governments should spend much money on exploring outer space? [2]

Here is my essay. I'm going to take the exam. Please help me comment on it.
Thanks so much.

Some people think governments should spend as much money as possible on exploring outer space (e.g traveling to the moon and to other planets). Other people disagree and think governments should spend this money on our basic needs on Earth. Which of these two opinions do you agree with? Use reasons and specific examples to support your answer.

basic needs vs outer space?

There is no doubt that many people think that governments should spend much money on exploring outer space because they may think that in the future, the earth will not be a good place for human beings to live due to more and more serious environmental problems and the increase in population. In my opinion, this is merely a seemingly sensible idea. In deed, I believe that governments should spend this amount of money on people's basic needs on Earth. There are many reasons.

First of all, instead of spending a great deal of money on something we are not sure such as finding a new planet outside the earth to live or traveling to the moon, investing that amount of money in the basic needs such as food and clothes for the poor turns out to be a more effective way because it helps improve living standard of the earth's citizen. Once people's lives are not guaranteed, or their daily meals are not satisfied, all governments' policies turn to be ruined. In my country, Viet Nam, I'm very proud of my government because they always care about the basic needs of people. Investment in education and healthcare is the government's priority. Therefore, in my country, although people are still poor, they always live with happiness and optimism. The government has succeeded in building the confidence of citizens, which encourages them to try their best to develop our country more and more.

Second, there are still many problems in the earth that need money to solve, especially environmental issues. Therefore, the fact that governments spend lots of money to find something vague outside the earth is unnecessary. In deed, nowadays, our environment has seriously polluted. Day and night, we drink contaminated water, we breathe polluted air with full of dust and dirty smoke. Companies continuously emit pollutants into the rivers and surely this real situation will be non - stop because of profits. The only solution is that there is interest of governments in these problems. Governments' investment in environmental technology instead of exploring outer spaces will guarantee the rights of producers and the sustainability of our environment.

In conclusion, I advocate the idea that governments should spend lots of money on basic needs on earth instead of studying outer space. The two main reasons I have given is that for one thing, this helps improve living standard of global citizens, for another thing, there are environmental issues that urgently need solving on earth. I believe that by this way, the governments can establish confidence of citizens to them and this world will become a better place to live.