Undergraduate / Shocked into rethinking taking things for granted- UC Prompt [4]

Hey Guys,
I am new to this website, I was hoping you could read and comment on my essay. This is a slightly old version, so the grammer issues have been dealt with for the most part.

The Prompt is "talk about an event or time that has changed your life and your perspective"

Thanks!

Recently, I went on a club trip to a local middle school to give anti-drug/alcohol presentations. At the very end, we hand out paper so the kids can ask us questions or give comment about our presentations. Knowing that the papers would be read aloud, one little boy decided to approach us after class with his question. "My dad drives when he's drunk, even though he had his license taken away, what should I do?" We asked him if he could talk to his dad, maybe sit down with his parents and have a little intervention. After inquiring a little more, we found there was a background story. His father's license was revoked because he was caught under the influence and caught with possession of marijuana. This wasn't the first time and probably wouldn't be the last time. Also, when we asked him if he could speak to his mother or family member and try and get him help he got nervous. "Please, you guys can't tell him I told you, he gets really angry when I mention it." Overcome with shock of how serious the situation actually was, we brought him to our advisor. She took him aside and talked with him. After a while, she sent us home. At our next meeting, about a week later, she informed us that she had gotten him help. To honor the family, she didn't give us details, but promised the little boy was safe. That afternoon, my friend was complaining about how stupid her parents were; they had grounded her because her grades were, lets just say not great. I felt like yelling at her. "Did you know some kids don't even have parents who care if they go to school? Did you know some kids find school the best part of their day because your teachers and most of your peers care about you? Did you know that we are lucky to have parents who will teach us good lessons how to be a good person? Did you know that I didn't even realize that until now, that the little sixth grader who came up to me, is stronger then most adults including his parents?" I didn't yell at her because she didn't know any better. She didn't witness that little boy mustering all his courage to turn somebody who was suppose to love and take care of him, in to the police. Most people look up to actors, athletes, socialites and their parents; although there is nothing wrong with that, I prefer to look up to this boy who puts up with so much punishment for no crime. When I got home that day after school, I hugged my mom and my dad. Never again will the grass be greener on the other side.

Undergraduate / From Black and White to San Francisco [3]

Hey Guys,
I was wondering if you could take a look at my UC essay.

Thanks !!

Describe the world you come from (family, school, community) and how it has shaped your dreams and aspirations etc...

"As in the Johnny Cash song?" is the popular reply when I tell people where I'm from. Folsom, CA isn't known for much else than its federal prison and the formerly mentioned song "Folsom Prison Blues" by popular music artist, Johnny Cash. Up until my sophomore year in high school, Folsom, CA was where I called home. The small town of 50,000 people sheltered my blissfully ignorant and conservative nature for fifteen years. Sure, I had heard of gay people, racial prejudice and world issues, but politics never seemed relevant to my life. For fifteen years my life was black and white, every question had an answer, and my world was the size of a cantaloupe. I hate cantaloupe. At the close of my freshman year in high school, I was given an opportunity to change everything. The Jewish Community High School of the Bay sits in the new western addition of San Francisco, CA. Attending this school would mean moving in with my grandparents and commuting to school via the train. So I decided to trade in my cheerleading uniform, pool parties, football games and straight A's for the unknown abyss of urban private school life. Suddenly I had teachers that were gay, others that were radical activists, and every single one inspirational. It was kind of a mind-blowing change from the child-hating teachers I was used to back home. They taught me that not only do I need to think to succeed, but I also need to question, and if I can't find answers, to push through and find them on my own. After two weeks in this new jungle, I quickly figured out I was no longer the smartest and easily the least worldly student. Catching up with my peers who had been dealing with college prep level work since pre-school wasn't my only challenge. I was not only taking core classes such as math, history, English and science, but I also was diving into the world of Judaism. Dealing with a dual curriculum proved to be harder than it sounded. Now, whenever my friends back home complain about learning Spanish,I laugh because obviously they have never tried to understand Hebrew. Junior year is over now, and I think I have immersed myself successfully into this environment just in time to leave for college. The Jewish Community High School of the Bay flipped my world upside down. In the two short years I have been here my world grown astronomically; I have flown to Washington D.C to lobby Speaker Pelosi, traveled to the south to experience the culture that brewed our civil rights movement and have opened my eyes to a world I never knew. Words can't even describe how thankful I am for JCHS. My relationships now, with my friends, teachers and even family, have more colors than the rainbow, my old universe of answerable questions now seems boring and limited, and my world no longer has a size, only potential. The seemingly simple change of schools broadened my world more than words can capture, and it made me crave intellectual growth and knowledge more than ever.

Undergraduate / Common App- 150 words- Student Council [4]

Common App- In less than 150 elaborate on one activity you are proud of.

For my senior year, I decided to run for a position on the Knesset (Student Government). My school doesn't have the normal president, vice-president, etc. We have a president, four executives that represent different aspects and two representatives from each grade. I ran for Student Activities Executive and won, meaning I am responsible for planning dances, mixers, and any other social activity or event. Even though we are not even half way through the year, I love my job. At some points its stressful, getting calls from my advisor at midnight asking for advice, and planning last minute details while studying for AP Biology, but its one of the most rewarding jobs I have ever had. To see that you have successfully represented your peers and were able to plan an event that they enjoyed makes the stressful times worth it.

Thanks Guys!

Undergraduate / CMC- Aren't you tired? Because you have been running through my head all day. [3]

In under 500 characters, What first influenced you most in applying to CMC?

I went on a college trip with my friend. Her mom wanted her to check out Pomona, so I went with her. Pomona's tour times didn't work with our schedule, so we just tagged along on the Mckenna one. She was so bored, but I slowly fell in love. From the philosophies to the people, CMC wouldn't get out of my head. I had fallen in love.

or

I went on a college trip with my friend. Her mom wanted her to check out Pomona, so I went with her. Pomona's tour times didn't work with our schedule, so we just tagged along on the Mckenna one. She was so bored, but I slowly fell in love, from the philosophies to the people. During the rest of the week, while seeing UC's and CSU's, CMC wouldn't get out of my head. I had fallen in love.

I want to get across that the biggest influence on my decision to apply was the fact that after seeing Mckenna, after being there, it wouldn't get out of my head. Even after seeing other colleges.

Undergraduate / From one school to another...Why? [7]

Explanation for break in secondary school education.

Up until my sophomore year in high school, Folsom was where I called home. The small town of 50,000 people sheltered my blissfully ignorant and conservative nature for fifteen years. Sure, I had heard of gay people, racial prejudice and world issues, but politics never seemed relevant to my life. For fifteen years my life was black and white, every question had an answer, and my world was the size of a cantaloupe. I hate cantaloupe.

At the close of my freshman year in high school, I was given an opportunity to change everything. The Jewish Community High School of the Bay sits in San Francisco, two hours by car from Folsom. Attending this school would mean moving in with my grandparents in San Carlos (25 miles south of San Francisco) and commuting to school via the train. I decided to trade in my cheerleading uniform, pool parties, football games and straight A's for the unknown abyss of urban private school life. Suddenly I had teachers that were gay, others that were radical activists, and every single one inspirational. It was a mind-blowing change from the bored teachers I was used to back home. They taught me that not only do I need to think to succeed, but I also need to question, and if I can't find answers, to push through and find them on my own. After two weeks in this new jungle, I quickly figured out I was no longer the smartest and was easily the least worldly student. Catching up with my peers who had been dealing with college prep level work since pre-school was challenging.

The seemingly simple change of schools broadened my world more than words can capture, and it made me crave intellectual growth and knowledge more than ever. My dreams ballooned and my aspirations exploded. I now strive to understand the word, relevant to my life or not.

All feedback, harsh or not, is welcomed and appreciated. Thanks!

Undergraduate / Alive, Surprising and Curious, Boston University- 3 words [7]

In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

Alive, Surprising and Curious are three words that describe me best. I feel that any characteristic I embody can be stripped down to one of those words. I thought about the prompt all day and the words came to me as I paid special attention to everything I did.

Every Monday I wake up around six-thirty in the morning, shower, get dressed, grab some sugared-down coffee, jump in Burgy, my old Toyota Corolla, and drive the thirty-six miles to my school in San Francisco, CA. Though I didn't feel it right when I woke up, as I drove to school today, I felt alive. I was alive. Alive meaning that I am full of life; I am capable of anything.

Once I parked and walked into the Jewish Community High School of the Bay, greeted Bobby, my favorite security guard, and stuck my tongue out at DJ, the receptionist, it was time to go to Tefilah.

I grew up non-affiliated to Judaism, but for some reason, I woke up during my Freshman year at Folsom High School, surprised myself and decided to go to a Jewish School 136 miles away from home. Even though I grew up not knowing these morning prayers and hating them once I did learn about them, I surprised myself by catching on. Now I can lead morning prayers, only two short years from joining the quirky world of Judaism. I'm a surprising person. I like showing people that I am so much more than what they see and expect.

So today in Tefilah, I participated like usual, but not with the monotonous, know-it-all tone I usually have. I was enticed by my own knowledge and, I guess, surprised at how alive I felt.

Next period, my AP Biology class was gathering around my teacher who had a dead chicken on a cutting board. Gross, was my first thought. Then, my teacher started to take it apart. I was so curious. My finger was almost chopped off because I grabbed for the liver before she put the knife down. My gag reflex disappeared because I was so intrigued with the inner workings of a seemingly simple animal. For two seconds, I wanted to rip my own rib cage open, just see what it looked like. Thankfully we have a 3D human body diagram in the classroom to stop curious kids like me.

Later, like every Monday, the student government, met at lunch. I am the Student Activities Executive. Knesset brings out my curiosity in others opinions and I am able to surprise my peers with great ideas and successful mediation. Leading my peers and representing their voice to the administration makes me feel alive.

Boston University, in my opinion, needs alive minds. Not that the University is looking for cadavers. BU is the best place for kids who can identify the fire inside of them, the burning passion to learn and understand the world. Every morning I wake up with that consuming and contagious determination in my heart. My school has successfully managed to bring out my curiosity, not just in academics, but also in life. I don't ask for answers; I find them myself. It surprises me everyday where my curiosity and need to feel alive take me.

Help! I need to cut down almost 50 words.

All criticism is welcomed. Be as harsh as needed.

Leave links to your essays, I will comment back.

Undergraduate / "Reverend Williams? I love him!" CMC- Leadership [8]

Leadership is a constant theme and emphasis at CMC. In fact, one of the ways we describe CMC students is "Leaders in the Making." Identify and discuss a person, fictional or nonfictional, who has helped shape culture and thought. You may select someone from any field: literature, the arts, science, politics, history, athletics, business, education, etc.

Please help me. Be honest, is it incoherent, french, convoluted. I just brain spilled because I have been having major writer's block with this essay.

Being a good leader isn't about how much you accomplish, but what you accomplish.
As I talked to my friend about this essay prompt and my preliminary idea on who to write about, her face lit up.

"Reverend Williams? I love him!"

She continued to talk about her experience at Glide Memorial Church, and how touched she had been by his sermon. Both my friend and I are Jewish, yet this incredible Christian minister made a positive impact on both of our lives. Even though I am not a religious person, I love the morals that my culture instills in its people. They are the same morals that Reverend Williams spreads to his community - - and beyond. Rev. Williams preaches that it doesn't matter what label you or anyone else places on you - - black, gay, infected, poor - - you're worth being accepted and loved.

Epitomizing the saying "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it," by the American philosopher, George Santayana, Reverend Cecil William's philosophy sprouted from what he had learned from his past. Born in 1929 in Texas, Williams grew up in the segregated south. The dichotomy of his mother telling him he was going to be someone, and society treating him like dirt, was too much for him. After suffering depression, he had a dream that changed his outlook on life forever. He vowed never to accept someone else's definition or judgment of him. Nicknamed Rev as a young boy, Cecil Williams knew he was meant to be a leader, to spread love and joy.

After seminary, Reverend Williams came to Glide Memorial United Methodist Church in 1963, when it was a small, white, affluent community. At the time, the conservative congregation didn't share his vision of inclusiveness, and many left. This didn't stop him. Williams opened his doors to anyone who wanted to be there. As a leader, he was determined to lead anyone who needed or wanted a leader. Discrimination was thrown out the window. Throughout his years at Glide Church, Reverend Williams has made an effort to support every single congregant. Glide has always stood at the forefront of any civil or human rights issue to hit San Francisco.

Reverend Williams, as an exceptional leader, was and is always available to those who need him. When the Vietnam War raged, Glide Church focused itself on the anti-war movement. Later, when the Symbionese Liberation Army kidnapped Randolph Hearst's daughter in 1974, Glide Church tried to negotiate with the guerilla group to get her back. Though negotiations failed, Reverend Williams was a true leader and was there where he was needed. Leaders are judged by how the choices they make; whether they succeed or fail is less important. In 1979, after the assassination of San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk, Reverend Cecil Williams opened his doors to anyone in need of support and healing. During the crack epidemic in the mid-1980s, even though his own children were claimed briefly by the drug, instead of asking for harsher punishment and crackdowns on law violators, Williams led marches. He asked for speakers to share their stories about their struggles with the drug. He wanted to transform the people, not punish them. Reverend Williams didn't care about the praise he received, he cared that the people who looked up to him were on the right path; the path of being a good person, someone who respects and loves himself or herself. More recently, with the fight against AIDS and HIV, Glide Church was the first church to offer free testing after Sunday services. Today, Glide feeds approximately 3,500 poor people per day. Glide offers computer-training programs for adults; HIV, AIDS, and substance abuser support groups; and many other programs to benefit the community. No one is beyond the help or support of Glide and Cecil Williams.

Being Jewish, my favorite anecdote about this incredible man is that he removed the cross in Glide's sanctuary in 1967. He removed it saying that Glide's congregation was going to celebrate life and love. Each congregant was to be his own cross; responsible for his own actions. None of Glide's core values, outlined by Williams, mention G-d, Jesus or religion of any sort. Glide is dedicated to radical inclusiveness, breaking down barriers, sharing personal journeys and stories, and celebrating life.

The age required by the world United Methodist Church for its pastors to retire is seventy. Reverend Cecil Williams turned seventy in 1999, and he retired as pastor, but he remains at Glide as "Minister of Liberation." Cecil Williams is incredibly dedicated, loving and accepting. At every hardship San Francisco has faced, Reverend Williams has been at the forefront of helping. He has influenced positively every person who has had the good fortune of being in his presence.

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