Undergraduate / Aviary Pagoda, Yuen Long Park, Hong Kong. Common App revisions - "Broadening Horizons" [13]

Please read and comment. Feel free to make inputs and correct my grammar. Be as critical as you can!

Also, I know that my essay is written in two tenses, but I feel that the present tense shows more action. However...I feel that essays should only be written in one tense. So should I just change everything to the past tense?

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

Broadening Horizons

Heart pounding, palms sweating, and legs wobbling, a six-year old girl begins the climb to what will seem like an endless journey. One floor to the next, she pushes her feet forward to mount each step. At each floor, she stops expectedly and passes a circular trail of doors. Slowly and carefully, she separates the heavy curtains, chained by exquisitely hand-crafted beads, leading from one door to the next. The process repeats on every floor, because there is something new to see and something exciting to learn.

Finally, as she mounts the last steps to the seventh floor, she feels a thrill of success overwhelm her. She recalls an eighth century Chinese poem from Wang Zhihuan that she recently learned in school, and recites a line under her breath, "You can enjoy a grander sight by climbing to a greater height." Oh, how true that is! She is standing at the top, where her tiny hands can almost reach out to touch the clear, blue sky. If she stands too close to the edge, she thinks her weight may abruptly bring the structure to topple over. She looks down to the people relaxing on the green grass, and notices that they are as tiny as ants. It is a moving anthill of color, but somehow she spots a familiar face. "Mom!" she cries out, while waving her arms animatedly, "I've made it!"

This was atop the Aviary Pagoda in Yuen Long Park, Hong Kong; I was the little girl.

Little was I, and little did I know that was only the beginning of a real life journey: a journey that did not consist of climbing the steps of a bird tower, but the steps of greater institutions. I arrived as a timid child to the United States one year later, unfamiliar with my surroundings - I sought to adapt. Soon, I befriended other children on my block; from racing one another on rollerblades in the summer to frolicking and snowball fighting in the winter (my first time encountering snow), I no longer felt like a foreigner. I lay on the snow-covered ground and began to shape a snow angel, but instead became lost in thought. Staring out into the cloudless sky, I envisioned myself standing up high: raven black hair billowing, slender arms stretching, and petite hands reaching out to the world. I wanted to "enjoy a grander sight"; I wanted to make that climb up, but I wondered, "How?"

Imagine my excitement when I first stepped into Brooklyn Technical High School, a twelve-story institution (even though most of us utilized up to the ninth floor). This was the beginning of my ascension in Key Club, a student-led international organization dedicated to developing leadership through community service. In my never-ending quest to climb higher, I obtained a leadership role. More importantly, I discovered the true values of giving back to the community. A warm sensation rushed through my body when not-so-fortunate families received Thanksgiving meals that I helped to packed, or when children beamed with delight upon unwrapping holiday presents that I donated; I knew that they would not be alone during the bitter New York winter. The experience I gained was invaluable and fulfilling; I climbed one step higher by helping others.

Just like the little girl eleven years ago, I have come a long way: emigrating from Hong Kong, assimilating to the American culture and its values, and attending the prestigious Brooklyn Tech. I no longer have a simple stair-climbing feat to amaze myself. Nonetheless, I will never forget that exhilarating climb, for it opened up my young, inquisitive brown eyes to the world. The journey is not over yet - there is still land undiscovered. What lies ahead? I have no clue, but I am prepared to broaden the boundless horizons.

One day, I see myself with a rush of adrenaline, announcing once again, "Mom! Dad! I've made it!"

Undergraduate / UChicago - (Extended Essay) Outgrowing Being Short [7]

Please read and critique! This is the extended essay question for the University of Chicago.

Essay Option 2. The late-eighteenth-century popular philosopher and cultural critic George Lichtenberg wrote, "Just as we outgrow a pair of trousers, we outgrow acquaintances, libraries, principles, etc. . . . at times before they're worn out and at times - and this is worst of all - before we have new ones." Write an essay about something you have outgrown, perhaps before you had a replacement - a friend, a political philosophy, a favorite author, or anything that has had an influence on you. What, if anything, has taken its place?

"Five feet and a half," she said, and scribbled away on her clipboard.

"What?" I stared at the height rod incredulously, hoping for her to recheck. But the nurse motioned to the chair, telling me to sit. Pouting like a five-year old, I complied.

I am five feet and a half inch, and I find that hard to believe. I have always felt myself to be an inch taller - in fact, I can swear I am an inch taller. I mean, I indulge myself with a glass of milk every morning! In elementary school, when students were expected to line up by "size order," I always stood toward the front. When the class photos that my parents ordered arrived, my dad would always ask, "How come you are the shortest one?" I would always retort with a "No, I am not! Look at her, and her, oh what about her?" He had the same question every year he looked at my class picture and I would always ask myself, "Why am I so short?"

I felt different from everyone else, everyone else who was taller.

However, once I entered high school, I realized that height was only a physical aspect - it provided no insight as to who I really was. Those long, slender supermodel legs that I used to covet became meaningless to me. "Short" was no longer a vocabulary word which I used to describe myself. In fact, I have outgrown the thought of being short.

When I paid less attention to my height, my confidence level grew immensely. I spoke up more in class, adding my input to a lively discussion or answering a question to prove my knowledge. I also took more initiative during group assignments, and was always supportive toward my group members. There were numerous times in U. S. History, Yearbook, and Biotechnical Engineering when I was asked to present my ideas to the class. Courageously, I stood up and walked to the front. As I scanned the various ethnic faces around the room, I saw one thing in common: they were all listening.

My seed of confidence had sprouted. I never hesitated to seize an opportunity so that even when I failed to reach my goal, it did not matter; at least I tried. Whenever there was a dispute between friends, I tried to mediate by trying to understand both sides. I eventually joined more clubs in school and became more involved in leadership positions. Gradually, I become brave enough to perform. Our Yoga final exam was to enact a dance that comprised of all the poses of yoga that we have learned. I was daunted at first - imagine, dancing in front of a whole class! But as I practiced, I realized that confidence was the underlying act. Confidence brought respect. I no longer saw myself as short - I embraced it. After all, it was what made me, me.

A few days ago, I was at the train station with a friend I have known since junior high school. Having used up all the money on my MTA metro card, I proceeded to refill it. As I stood on my tiptoes to reach the microphone at the ticket booth, I heard my friend chuckle. "Cute," she said with a twinkle in her eye. "Thank you," I replied with a smile. "Thank you for the compliment."

Undergraduate / UPenn - (page 217) grammar? [7]

Here is part of my pg. 217. I am not exactly sure about the tense...past perfect?
I appreciate the corrections!

Watching Angelica mature, I could not help but reminisce to the glorious days when I was a student at Wharton. Huntsman Hall, with its lush, fulvous wood on the interior, had become my second home away from the Quadrangle. Every night, several classmates and I would immerse ourselves in a group study room, discussing the day's lessons. Statistics? Corporate Finance? Investment Management? We had it all covered.

I recalled taking a stroll one night from Huntsman Hall. I had stopped abruptly as Penn's ingenious founder had sat on a bench before me. Benjamin Franklin was clad in a heavy frock coat, with a walking cane in one hand. A pair of spectacles had sat on his nose as a pamphlet on his left hand diverted his eyes. He was not alone, but was accompanied by a cheery bird. Nonetheless, I had plopped into the empty space beside him. The notable--