Undergraduate / Questbridge Essay: A Concept Learned [5]

Hi everyone,

This is my draft of the essay for the Questbridge National Match. The deadline for the scholarship is in 5 days. I would appreciate if someone could give me constructive criticisms on how to improve my essay. What do you think about the essay? On a scale of 1-10? How can I improve it in terms of grammar, ideas, organization, styles, etc. Also, I need to take out at least 20 words since the word limit is 500.

Thank you so much!

Essay Prompt: Describe an experience that you have had or a concept you have learned about that intellectually excites you. When answering this question, you may want to consider some of the following questions: Why does this topic excite you? How does it impact the way you or others experience the world? What questions do you continue to ponder about it?

School is about learning. It is not about making higher grades than the other students. The wiser student strives to gain knowledge rather than to get higher numerical grades. However, if one learns and increases knowledge, earning impressive grades is guaranteed. Learning concepts that can help us in the global society and lead us to excellence is what school is about. The concepts and aspects of social sciences have particularly been captivating to me.

I have been particularly compelled to aspects of social sciences because I believe learning about people, places, and cultures is essential to be knowledgeable citizens of the world. For instance, history is imperative in understanding the world around us. German philosopher Karl Marx once said, "History repeats itself, first as tragedy, second as farce." Through learning and analyzing history, we can know the past, understand the present, and predict the future.

In my AP US History course, all the students were required to complete a project on Social Science. We were allowed to choose our own topic that interests us. The idea that instantly ignited in my mind was to do something on corruption and poverty in Africa. After discussing with my instructor, I shaped my topic to be the precise question that follows: Does Corruption Impact the Internal Displacement of Nations in Conflict?

The topic of corruption impacting internal displacement is extremely powerful to me. Growing up, I witnessed some of my relatives relocate from their ancestral land because of the violence. A significant population of Bangladesh is displaced from their homes. Internal displacement occurs when people are forced to flee their homes because their lives are being threatened by ongoing conflicts and violations of human rights. I spent months researching and analyzing data to investigate the contribution of corruption to this atrocious occurrence. I aspired to enlighten the world about a phenomenon lacking awareness.

The focus of my study was three nations in southern Africa: Democratic Republic of the Congo, Somalia, and Sudan. I decided to focus on these countries because they were the ones most affected by internal displacement. During the course of collecting data, I read several books and articles on the refuge situation in Africa. I conducted interviews of two natives of Africa, who have had an extensive experience with corruption there. My conclusion was that corruption in Africa does manipulate the people to relocate because of the governments' failure to protect the citizens from violence. I still continue to ponder how this relates to the situations in North Africa, involving revolutions in Libya, Egypt, and Tunisia.

This project has provided me with a memorable experience and much recognition. I won first place in my school, city, and regional competitions. Then, I proceeded to the 2011 Georgia State Social Studies Fair, and won the Best in Class award. My project was declared the best project in the State of Georgia. The concept of solving the crisis of internal displacement and corruption continues to intellectually excite me. My experiences served to make me realize that learning for the sake of learning provides us exposure, tolerance, and passion in life.

Thank you so much again :)

Undergraduate / 'The land of golden opportunities' - Common App: Journey of a Lifetime [14]

Hey Everyone,

I am working on my Common App Essay. I would appreciate constructive criticisms. Minor corrections are appreciated, but I am focusing on the larger picture. Does the essay flow smoothly, is it memorable, would you accept me to your college based on the essay? Thank you so much! :)

P.S. It's 499 words, so I can only add one more word.

Here's the topic: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

"America is the land of golden opportunities! We must ensure that you three have an excellent education and a bright future," my parents announced to me and my two brothers six years ago. We had just gotten home from the local mosque on a Friday afternoon and were having lunch. I was a typical eleven year old boy, who was ecstatic about the idea of leaving Bangladesh and going to America. I went to school the next day and spread the news to my classmates during recess. Five months later, we were boarding the airplane at Dhaka Zia International Airport. I had never imagined airplanes to be as enormous; I always thought they were perhaps the same size as they were in the night sky.

Forty-seven hours after boarding the plane, we arrived in Detroit, Michigan. As we stepped outside, the freezing gusts of wind made me tremble. Accustomed to the scorching weather of Bangladesh, I never thought this extent of freezing temperatures could exist outside of refrigerators. In the following days, I realized that similar to the weather differences between America and Bangladesh, everything else was different. I just had not decided if things were better or worse yet.

Within a week, we encountered the harsh reality that America offers to its immigrants. My parents sold our ancestral lands and personal possessions to afford the plane tickets. We stepped on the soil of this nation with practically nothing. No one in my family spoke English and we were overwhelmed adjusting to the American culture. However, my parents decided not to relinquish their dreams and instead considered the positive aspects of this new life. They asserted "Soon, you will start school, where you will learn the language. I know you will succeed in America. The opportunities are here, you just have to take advantage of them." Inspired by my parents' words, I aspired to be successful academically.

The beginning of my schooling in United States resembled a nightmare. My school offered no cultural diversity; I was the only one in my school of my race, religion, and skin color. My classmates constantly humiliated and intimidated me. Speaking only broken English, I managed to understand their hatred by their facial expressions. However, I comprehended that the intolerance of teenagers in a poverty-stricken neighborhood was not the accurate representation of the sentiment of American citizens. Their hatred and ignorance motivated me to strive for knowledge. My accent and other peoples' difficulties to understand what I was saying immensely encouraged me to improve my speaking skills. Within two years, my efforts and endeavors seemed successful. In ninth grade, I won the school-wide oratorical contest and was awarded for excellence in Language Arts.

The leading motivations for my achievements are the journey of eight thousand miles from my home to an unknown atmosphere and my parents' financial struggles as immigrants. After realizing my potential amidst the opportunities in America, I finally decided that the differences of America were better for my future endeavors.

Undergraduate / 'GBP to bond with others' UGA Essay [NEW]

Hello everyone!

I have two short essays for University of Georgia. The application deadline is on the 31st of October. I would appreciate if you could please give me some feedback before then. Minor corrections are appreciated, but I am focusing on the larger picture. I am worried about the essays flowing smoothly, being creative, and being memorable. What do you think? The word limit is 200 words. The first short essay is 198 words and the second short essay is 194 words. Thank you in advance for your time. :)

Choose an intellectual or creative opportunity (for example, community involvement, a summer program, a unique project, travel abroad, etc.) from your high school years that you have enjoyed and highlight how you have grown personally because of the experience.

The long days of summer, symbolized by sunshine and heat, have always been the best days of my life. In Bangladesh, we used to attend family reunions during the summer. Those wonderful summers in my homeland, however, lasted until I turned eleven. My family migrated to United States in March of 2006. My parents decided to sacrifice their land, properties, and relatives so that I could have a distinguished education and a bright future in America.

Five years later, I was at Valdosta State University for the Georgia Governors Honors Program. The Governors Honors Program (GHP) is a summer instructional program that provides intellectually gifted high school students challenging and enriching educational opportunities.

GHP was the opportunity to bond with others who share the same passion as me. Being with the top 0.07% of the high school students in the state of Georgia was truly incredible and inspiring. I realized that both mine and my parents' dreams were gradually becoming realities. My parents' dream was for me to excel in education in this country by taking advantage of the opportunities; my dream was to realize my personal identity and passions. GHP served to make the dreams become reality.

Writing Feedback / Favorite Ride at Amusement Park and my Approach to Life [2]

What is your favorite ride at the amusement park? How does this reflect your approach to life?

I'm at 250 words; that's the limit.

July 27, 2006. I vividly remember the first time going to an amusement park. I was extremely enthusiastic when my parents informed me the day before that we were about to go to an amusement park. The next morning, we were on the bus destined for Six Flags over Georgia, the park that was constantly being advertised on the broken T.V. in our living room. The variety of rides to choose from quickly overwhelmed me. There were the agile, expeditious, and thrilling roller-coaster rides. These roller-coasters involve gliding upside down, winding through a loop, and lasting for about two minutes. However, there were also the slow-paced boat rides; the lines for these rides were significantly shorter than the ones for the roller coasters.

The boat rides instantly reminded me of my summer experiences with rowing boats in rural Bangladesh. To me, the water rides in amusement parks resemble life in a very profound way. Rowing the boat at the park stimulated many thoughts about life in my head. Life will have obstacles, similar to the rocks under-water. However, I have a choice of rowing over the obstacles or rowing in another direction. Also, just as the water continues to roll, life continues to progress. I have control of my destiny. I can decide where I want my boat to be when the ride ends. Life is like a water ride; we paddle through it everyday, overcoming obstacles on the way. At the end, we simply want to reach our destination.

Any comments, criticisms would be great. I would appreciate if you could look for grammatical errors, the flow of the story. Is it specific enough? Did I do a good job describing the second part of the question.

Thanks so much!

Undergraduate / 'raised in Shaheen Bag' - My World--- UVA Essay [3]

Describe the world you come from and how that world shaped who you are.

As a typical eleven year old boy in Dhaka, Bangladesh, I was ecstatic when my parents informed me we were leaving Bangladesh and going to America. Five months later, we were boarding the airplane at Zia International Airport. I had never imagined airplanes to be so enormous; I always thought they were the same size as they were in the night sky. My world, eight-thousand miles away, has instilled values in me that will live forever. My world is so distant yet so dominant.

I was raised in Shaheen Bag, a middle-class neighborhood in Dhaka. Shaheen Bag was regarded elsewhere as a distinct community for exemplifying unity and social values. Family and community relationships were fostered by the many residents who were retirees of the Bangladesh Air Force; my father was actually one of these retirees. Everyone was united by a common purpose: family. Similar to my parents, every other parent in Shaheen Bag encouraged family values and cultures in their homes. Every Friday, we would attend community meetings at the local mosque to discuss education, family values, and culture.

My parents never let me feel the burden of sorrow. Recognizing the financial hardships of my parents and their sincere support for me significantly induced me to realize the importance of family. Growing up in Shaheen Bag taught me that my family is the most important thing in my life. I do not even dare to envision where I would be with no support from my family.

What do you think? Anything that must be taken off or must be added? I appreciate it SO much.

Undergraduate / 'Diversity and raised in a third-world nation' - Yale Supplement [3]

Please give me comments, criticisms, or suggestions. ANY feedback is appreciated. Thanks so much :)

What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply?

After learning more about Yale from current students, I was impressed by the diversity, student to faculty ratio, and social life at Yale. The diversity at the campus will be invaluable in providing me a chance to meet students from all backgrounds. The low student to faculty ratio at Yale is very advantageous to me because it will give me the option to do research in Engineering and Computer Science. In addition, the culture of Yale would create a perfect balance of academics and social life.

If you were choosing student to form a Yale class, what question would you ask them?
What songs would you include on the soundtrack to your life and what about those songs represent your life?

Write a brief essay telling us what has led you to an interest in Engineering, what experiences you have had in engineering, and what it is about Yale's engineering program that appeals to you.

Being raised in a third-world nation deprived of technology, I realized the importance of technology and how it can benefit a society. Technology is already an immense part of our daily lives in the United States, and it is expanding every moment. Citizens of developed nations take it for granted, but citizens of third-world nations live a life with little to no technology. Technology is severely limited in numerous nations, and the citizens of those nations do not receive the advantage of having access to it. In the future, I want to work to make it easier and inexpensive for people in third-world nations to have access to technology.

Studying at the Yale School of Engineering and Applied Science will give me the expertise and experience that I will need to accomplish my life's aspirations. My passions for both engineering and technology influenced me to participate in the 2011 Georgia Governor's Honors Program as a Technology major and a Science minor. Exploring Biomedical Engineering, Robotics, and Programming Languages at this prestigious enrichment program was extremely valuable and enjoyable to me. The Engineering program at Yale appeals to me primarily because of the quality education it offers and the low student to faculty ratio. The superiority of a Yale education is a fact known by everyone including people living on the other side of the globe. The very low student to faculty ratio assures me of a greater collaboration with my professors. Studying at the Yale School of Engineering resonates perfectly with my aspirations for learning.

Undergraduate / 'Technology / Third-world nations / Intelligence' - USC Supplement [2]

I would appreciate any comments, criticisms, feedback. Anything before I submit it. Thanks.

Describe your academic interest and how you plan to pursue them at USC.

Growing up, I encountered a society with little to no technology. I realize the importance of technology and how technology can improve a society. My ambition is to work toward advancing and enhancing technology in third-world nations. Studying at the Viterbi School of Engineering will give me the expertise and experience that I will need to accomplish my life's aspirations. My passions for both engineering and technology influenced me to participate in the 2011 Georgia Governor's Honors Program as a Technology major and a Science minor. Exploring Biomedical Engineering, Robotics, and Programming Languages at this prestigious enrichment program was extremely valuable and enjoyable to me. The Engineering program at University of Southern California appeals to me primarily because of the renowned faculty and extensive research opportunities.

What kind of experiences, inside and outside of the classroom, would you want to explore to enhance your studies?

To accomplish my profound aspirations to advance the life of impoverished people in third-world nations by improving technology, I must h---ave not only knowledge, but also experience. Inside of the classroom, I would want to complete simulations of difficulties that I might encounter in advocating growth of technology. I would want to learn various essential skills that will be beneficial for my personal growth. These skills include but are not limited to effective communication, leadership, networking, and business management. Outside of the classroom, I would want to take advantage of a study-abroad opportunity. It would be hugely beneficial to me if I could directly explore the impact of a lack of technology on the lives of third-world nations. These opportunities, both inside and outside of the classroom, would provide me with essential exposure and experiences.

Engineers have sometimes been stereotyped as "nerds" or "geeks." Do you embrace or reject that stereotype? Why?

Intelligence can be interpreted as intimidating. Engineers are most certainly stereotyped as nerds or geeks, occasionally even both. I have personal experience with this incident. I was known as the stated stereotype by my classmates since tenth grade, after taking Engineering Applications. My classmates openly labeled me both as a nerd and a geek. However, the same classmates would plead me to assist them to solve for resistance force, mechanical advantage, and more terms they could not even comprehend. I realized that engineers solve problems that benefit the rest of the population. I soon learned to embrace the stereotypes as compliments. Engineers are called nerds or geeks because they gain satisfaction by designing and building things for the benefit of mankind. I embrace the stereotype because it highlights the creativity, diligence, and passion of engineers.

Undergraduate / Corruption in Africa Research (Northwestern University) [2]

The prompt for Northwestern University was:
If you have done research or independent study outside of school, please include an abstract or summary of your work on a separate sheet.

Does Corruption Impact the Internal Displacement of Nations in Conflict?
"A Case Study"
By: Rifat Mursalin

"INTERNAL DISPLACEMENT has emerged as one of the great human tragedies of our time." wrote Kofi Annan, former Secretary-General of the United Nations. Approximately 26 million people worldwide are currently displaced internally as a result of conflicts or human rights violations. Internally displaced persons (IDPs) are people who were forced to escape their homes because their lives were threatened, but unlike refugees, remain within their country's borders. Although IDPs now outnumber refugees by two to one, their situations receive far less international attention. IDPs in Africa represent more than 40 percent of the total IDP population worldwide. Sudan has the largest internally displaced population in Africa, followed by Democratic Republic of the Congo and Somalia. Most of the countries affected by internal displacement in Africa have experienced severe problems such as crises of national identity and unity, ineffective government authority and control, limited capacity for economic efficiency, and finally, civil war or armed revolution. Behind the foundation of all of these calamities, lies the malice of corruption. This paper considers whether corruption directly influence the people to displace internally in nations in conflict by responding to the following questions:

1. What are some causes of the internal displacement in Africa?
2. How is corruption impacting the African people?
3. What are the impacts of internal displacement in Democratic Republic of the Congo, Sudan, and Somalia?
Corruption immobilizes the governmental authority and leads to crisis of national unity, which leads to civil wars, and which consequently leads to mass internal displacements.

I simply mentioned what questions the research would answer. I didn't go into detail because they said just a summary. Any comment or feedback??

Thanks :)

Undergraduate / 'the value of a liberal arts education' - Short Answer: Why Colby [4]

Hello,

This is an essay for Colby, one of my safety colleges. I visited Colby and really liked the atmosphere; however, I honestly think I can get accepted to a better college. Even then, I wouldn't want to risk my essay and just write carelessly. Please let me know if you see any errors or room for improvements.

Thanks a lot in advance!

Experience Colby was a ground-breaking experience in my life. It was my first time flying alone, and my first time going on a college visit. I decided to visit Colby because I wanted to explore a liberal arts environment. My parents also encouraged me to go as they thought visiting a college was essential to making any decisions about college.

I am a 21st Century Atlanta scholar, and Colby is a partner college of the 21st Century Atlanta program. Through the program, I applied for the multicultural Experience Colby program. I was thrilled when I read the e-mail on a Friday afternoon. The second line read "Congratulations! You have been approved..." The librarian hurriedly scolded me as I jumped up and shouted with joy. Within three weeks, on October 13th, I was on my way to the Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport.

Visiting Colby was an inspiring experience as it exposed me to the value of a liberal arts education. At Colby, I attended a seminar on biochemistry hosted by IBM, an improvisational comedy show, a volleyball game between Colby and Bowdoin, and many more amazing events. I attended a calculus class with my host and had dinner with a computer science professor. The three days at Colby were perhaps the most eventful days in my life. I realized how Colby would help me to create a perfect balance of academics and social life. The life at Colby resonates with my aspirations for higher education; I can see myself being a White Mule.