Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by TheLeader
Joined: Sep 28, 2011		 Last Post: Mar 21, 2013
Threads: 2
Posts: 34  
From: Canada

Displayed posts: 36
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
TheLeader   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'being a American' - Common APP Achievement Essay [8]

This is an interesting and engaging essay. However, there are a few things that I think would improve your essay:

-WHY did you want to be an American? This is the question that the reader would most likely want to know as they are reading this essay.

-The last sentence "have I mentioned how much I love a good burger and pizza" was a little awkward, but it's quite unique (you can decide whether to change this or not).

-You should definitely rephrase some sentences about yourself which something other from "I". It seems very mechanical to me. For example, every sentence it's you saying " I this, I that". This is not necessarily bad but I would definitely revise this.

Other from that, good essay with many life examples which the reader would definitely like. Just remember what some other members and I have said and you should be fine. Good luck!
TheLeader   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Contributing more to the society' - common app essay on an extracurricular [3]

My feedback:
+Good essay, however..
-Please look at what I wrote above
-Yusra is right. It seems like almost a third of your essay is about your grandpa. Although it is good to let the reader know that your grandpa was a large influence in your life, you should focus more on yourself.

Good luck!

Please take a look at my essay as well :)
TheLeader   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Dear Admissions Staff, I don't give a Shih Tzu' [19]

This is a very unique and interesting essay. You may want to limit your "she's" because it seems a little mechanical the way you are using it. Change the wordings a little bit and it should be good. This is definitely an essay that would catch the eye of the reader.

Good luck! :) Check out mine if you can. Thanks!
TheLeader   
Dec 29, 2011
Faq, Help / Otherwise, a small fee (starting at $5 per thread) explain this [8]

More than two threads created?

Hi, I'm quite new here and so far everyone has been really insightful with their feedback. I've also given a lot of feedback to others and it's been great! I just have one question:

I created two threads in the undergraduate admission forum, and I recently just created another. I see that I must delete/close one of my threads so that EF members can see my two older threads.. Can someone please briefly explain how this works?

Thank you all so much.

PS: How come I can close my most recent (third) thread for free when there are already replies?

Thank you in advance once again!
TheLeader   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Brown Curriculum - France and Psychology [3]

Overall, this essay has a LOT of potential. It's up to you to make it stronger and more engaging. Sorry to be harsh but when I read this, the essay structure seems REALLY robotic and mechanical. Change some words, elaborate on your paragraphs, and don't just "state" what you're interested in. Back it up with WHY you like it. Good luck!

Please check out my essay(s). I will return the favour right away:)
TheLeader   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Tufts Supplement - "consider the world within yourself" [4]

For the second short response, we asked you to consider the world around you. Now, consider the world within. Taste in music, food, and clothing can make a statement while politics, sports, religion, and ethnicity are often defining attributes. Are you a vegetarian? A poet? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes, Mac or PC? Are you the drummer in an all-girl rock band? Do you tinker? Use the richness of your identity to frame your personal outlook. (200-250 words)

Good job!! Just take a look at my edits :) Pretty interesting essay, I had a fun time reading it. The ending is a little awkward so I would recommend changing that (unless you are not finished). Good luck!
TheLeader   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "Shadows"- work experience, will review your essays [11]

I don't know what cmaher92 is talking about, there is nothing offensive about the first sentence at all. Don't worry about that.

"I have a deep love for acting which lets me understand other people."
You should elaborate on this. How does your deep love for acting let you understand other people? Make a stronger connection for the reader.

Other than that, there is honesty not much I can say about your essay. It is extremely well written and engaging. This is probably one of the better essays I've looked at on this site. Keep it up and good luck! :)
TheLeader   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'social activist and servant'; What I would take from and contribute to Penn [9]

Okay I have to be honest with you. After I read your first paragraph, I couldn't find anything to change so I just wrote some positive feedback. After reading your whole essay, I STILL don't know what you can do to make this better. I'm usually quite a harsh person when it comes to critiquing, but I really can't. Every little thing you wrote contributed largely in your interest in UPenn. The AO will definitely recognize this and will reward you with you deserve. Excellent job, and best of luck with your application. This is by far one of, if not, the most well written essay I have seen on the site. Best of luck! PS I hope you can look over my essay(s) one more time :)
TheLeader   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I look at my watch' - Yale Supplement [5]

Wow, write more! This is very engaging, I was fascinated by your essay since the first paragraph. Great idea on your essay speaking in present first person, something I haven't seen done this well for a while. Keep in mind my edits on your first and second paragraph. There isn't anything I can critique about your third paragraph. All in all, exceptional and unique essay. You and your band must be great. Best of luck!

Please check out my essay(s)! :)
TheLeader   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / Stanford Undergrad Admissions - What matters to you and why? -- Trusting myself [8]

Great job on your essay. It really shows you have a strong heart for dancing. About the Hulk Hogan thing, I'd suggest against it because what if the AO didn't know who he was? It's a risk I wouldn't recommend you to take. You could instead say something like "not even a olympic power-lifter...". Let me know what you think after you revise your essay after nr554, ashatan, and my recommendations. I'll check it out again right after!

Please check out my essay(s) too :)
TheLeader   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I always wear a purple hat' - Johns hopkins supplement #2 [19]

Good job on your essay! I really liked how you revolved your story around the purple hat and your introversion. However, you really have to expand on the pink & purple hat in this essay. The reader will really want to know what it means to you. I made some changes above, but you don't have to follow them as they are just recommendations.

Good luck! Thanks for checking out my essay and it would be great if you can look over them again :)
TheLeader   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Water Polo' - Extracurricular Activity [19]

Great job, this looks a lot better than what you had before. Take a look at my edits above, you don't have to follow everything completely as they were just suggestions. After maybe a couple more responses, revise it once more and post here. After that, we will let you know if it's ready to submit (it's really close to being ready). Good luck!

Please check out my essay(s) if you can :)
TheLeader   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I hope to major in Biology' - UPenn [12]

Hey Stawberry,

Your essay looks a lot more refined and engaging compared to the one I edited earlier. However, you already know this but you must slim down the size of your essay. I'm guessing the word limit is 500 words, so take your time and do this carefully. You don't want to take out the wrong parts! After you've slimmed it down, post here and let me know and I'll edit it right away. It's unfortunate the prompt limits your words to only 500 because every little part contributes so much to your interest in UPenn. Good luck!!
TheLeader   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'overall entrepreneurial spirit' - Stanford -- Roommate prompt [3]

Overall, great job. Your essay shows a lot about yourself, and how you can easily get well with your roommate and other future classmates. It shows the school you have good traits and pretty neat interests. Take a look at my edits above and let me know what you think. Good luck!

Please take a look at my essay(s) again :)
TheLeader   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / A hobo changed my poverty perspective. Brown ESsay [6]

Take a look at my edits above and let me know once you've revised it. I took some unnecessary filler words out to shorten it for you like you asked. It's a well-written essay, really engaging. Good luck!

If you can take a look at my essay(s) again that would be great. Thanks!
TheLeader   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I always wear a purple hat' - Johns hopkins supplement #2 [19]

This is perfect. Much better than the version that I edited. Great job! One thing I'm kind of left pondering though, where did you get that idea purple defines "dignity and calmness"? You may want to say where you got that from, along with the definition of orange, or the reader may be wondering just like I did. However, everything is good. There are no grammatical errors (as far as I can see) and it flows perfectly. Great job!

Please take a look at my other essay if you can :) Thanks!
TheLeader   
Jan 1, 2012
Writing Feedback / 'biggest reward in the class was dissection' - favorite class and why [6]

This is a good essay. Keep in mind my edits above. One thing I'd recommend though is try to relate your second paragraph a little more to yourself. I agree with others, even though you changed it a little bit, it takes up too much space and doesn't relate to what your favourite class is (biology?) I'd write more about yourself instead of that you learned what a commuted fracture is (this doesn't explain why it's your favourite class). Revise it a little, maybe you can write that after the story, you were intrigued to learn more about fractures, bones, etc, which are all related to the human body (Biology, Anatomy, etc). You also have to state what your favourite class is. It's kind of hinting anatomy, biology, but what exactly is it? You must let the reader know you're answering the prompt! Otherwise, this is good. Revise it and let me know. I'll edit it again. Good luck!

Please check out mine! :)
TheLeader   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / "I am HIV positive" - Common App short [3]

Good job on your essay. I fixed a lot of grammatical issues and also rephrased some sentences to strengthen them. Keep in mind the edits above when you make your revision. Regarding the actual story of your essay, I don't really understand how you went from "in their surroundings who really cared for them." to "No word can express my feeling of gladness at that moment". It doesn't really flow well and it doesn't contribute much to your essay until you explain why you felt that way. Let me know after you've made your revision and I'll check it out again. Good luck!

Please check out my essay(s)! :)
TheLeader   
Jan 1, 2012
Faq, Help / Should I delete the thread later on or keep it here? [11]

Hi Everyone,

My essays are going to be due in a month and I might delete them from essayforums before that to prevent plagiarism. Although I'm not paranoid, I just want to take a safety precaution and ask if it's possible after deleting my threads, the moderators on essayforum.com can prove that I'm the original writer of the essay (just in case an essay is plagiarized from me) from the timestamp and name in my threads.

Thank you!
TheLeader   
Jan 1, 2012
Faq, Help / Should I delete the thread later on or keep it here? [11]

That's not exactly what I asked but thanks for the input!

What I mean is hypothetically that BEFORE I delete it, someone plagiarized it and the thread is already deleted by the time I am suspected of plagiarism. HOWEVER, there is no proof it's mine because the thread is deleted. Can mods prove that it's ours from our deleted posts with the name/timestamp? Does this make sense?
TheLeader   
Jan 1, 2012
Faq, Help / Should I delete the thread later on or keep it here? [11]

Sorry but that still doesn't answer my question but thanks for the reply. I know that I can prevent FUTURE plagiarism by deleting the thread.

What I mean is hypothetically that BEFORE I delete it, someone plagiarized it and the thread is already deleted by the time I am suspected of plagiarism. HOWEVER, there is no proof it's mine because the thread is deleted. Can mods prove that it's ours from our deleted posts with the name/timestamp? Does this make sense?
TheLeader   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'a convenience store in a small town' - Princeton - What did you do this summer [4]

Your essay is well written. I pointed out some grammatical issues above so keep those in mind. HOWEVER, I feel like you are quite distant from this essay. You want the AO to say "WOW" when he/she reads it. It feels as if you're just describing what you did with little emotion. Add some emotion and make it more engaging and it would be way better! Let me know after you revised it and I'll check it out again. Good luck! :)
TheLeader   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / (Annual Hanami Festival / Meeting Strangers) COMMON APPs [7]

Definitely the first one. It's much more unique and engaging than the second one. There is a little more telling than there is showing, but there's nothing wrong with that. There is a great story, and it doesn't suck! Pick the first one :) Good luck!

Please check out my essay(s) :)
TheLeader   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'my question asking habit' - Boston University Roommate [5]

Hey klipper46! Thanks for checking out my essay. Sorry for the late response but after deremifri's suggestions, make your revision and let me know! I'll happily get on it right away.

Good luck :) ttys
TheLeader   
Jan 17, 2012
Undergraduate / 'me, John, Abhi, Edwin, and Neil' - Peddie Essay #3 [5]

Great job on your essay. Just keep in mind my feedback above when you make your revision. However, you don't need to follow everything I wrote as they are just suggestions. You could also expand on your answer by talking about the community itself instead of focusing on your "family". This will give the admissions officer a better perspective and know more about your surroundings and how you grew up.

Good luck! Let me know after you did your revision. Please check out my most recent essay :)
TheLeader   
Jan 17, 2012
Undergraduate / "My Future in Neuroscience" USC Neurosci Transfer [6]

First off, thanks for helping me with my essay! You did a great job on your essay. I was engaging throughout the whole prompt. However, Just keep in mind my edits above and be careful with the "big" science words such as "sequestration", as not ALL admissions officers know what that means. Let me know after your revision and I'll check it out again!
TheLeader   
Jun 15, 2012
Letters / (Customer Service Representative position) - my cover letter for a bank teller [4]

Dear Hiring Manager:

I am writing to express my interest in the Customer Service Representative position at the XXX Bank.

As a student currently pursuing a Bachelor of Commerce at the XXX School of Business, I have built a strong business foundation and have learned how to diversify and challenge myself to overcome many obstacles. My passion for finance continues to grow and I know that the wonderful opportunity at XXX will act as a stepping stone for my career.

While working as a banquet server at the XXX Country Club, I gained valuable experience of being able to work in a fast-paced environment while performing several important duties simultaneously. Additionally, I identified and assessed each customer's needs and to the best of my ability, I helped them leave with a smile. Providing excellent customer service is vital in banking and that is precisely what I will offer when I get hired by XXX.

Throughout my year as the coordinator of the Graduation Clothing Committee, I scrutinized each payment to ensure accuracy and reliability, surveyed our graduation class to calculate the expected demand, and ordered in bulk to minimize costs. We greatly exceeded our goals, and my contributions helped raise $1,100 in funds for our charity. This unique experience instilled in me the confidence that my monetary experience, interpersonal skills and goal-oriented mindset will be an asset to your branch.

As a passionate and dedicated candidate, I welcome the opportunity to meet with you to discuss how my education, experience and skills would be beneficial for CIBC. Please feel free to contact me any time at (XXX)-XXX-XXXX in order to plan a meeting time that will best suit your timetable. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sincerely,

XXX

Any feedback will be much appreciated. Thanks everyone!
TheLeader   
Mar 21, 2013
Grammar, Usage / 'the average Joes out there...' - Quick Grammar Check for a sentence [7]

Out of all the Average Joes out there, all I am is aI am just a kid with an overwhelming curiosity, a desire to learn, along with a vivid imagination.

Thanks for checking out my essay! Didgeridoo did a good job editing yours, but you could try my suggestions. I thought "all I am is a kid" sounds a little awkard. This is a unique sentence sure to capture the reader's attention:)
ⓘ Need Writing or Editing Help?
✖
Fill out one of these forms for professional help:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳