Undergraduate / "Abusive Egyptian Military Rule's impact on me" Macaulay Prompt [6]

so the question i picked from the list was the following: Discuss some issue of local, national, or international concern and its importance to you. (500 words or less)

This is the essay i wrote and plan to submit but i need general feedback and improvements you see fit.. THANKYOUU!

"Abusive Egyptian Military Rule's impact on me" #2 Improved
Okay so I totally appreciated and understood the help and advice from the last thread i posted so this is the new and improved version of the previous essay my main problem was adding my personality/personal impact into the story because i made it seem more like a newspaper article than a college essay that was supposed to be centered around me so hopefully this one has more personality but just to make sure i didnt lose the meaning and content i was going for im re-posting my improved essay

if anyone has anything to say id be more than happy to hear it!

The inhumane violence with which the temporary military government is currently using to abuse the Egyptian people makes my soul shiver with anger. Since the ousting of the former dictator, Hosny Mubarak, approximately nine months ago, the Egyptian military has been temporarily ruling the country. However, the military has done so brutally and appallingly. I am very affected by this because I have lived in this culture and among the Egyptian people for ten years. I have grown to know and to love the kindness and spirit they possess. To see them suffer after courageously striving to change their country for the better profoundly sparks the flames of fury within me. However, what also cruelly plays with my nerves is the lack of acknowledgement for such events. I have been disgusted by this military's treatment yet inspired by the people to help their cause and have them be heard. The atrocities of this issue have pushed me to discover a love for journalism, human rights, and international politics.

Ten million Egyptians have recently rejoined on the streets to end the military rule that has put 12,000 civilians on military-based trials and postponed vital elections to the reforming of a new government. Yet, Egyptians were met with tear gas, rubber bullets, physical beatings, and unjust arrests in their attempt to improve their country. In November alone, the country has reached up to over one thousand injured and forty dead over the course of only five days. Witnessing this abuse, I have found it extremely disturbing that the organization mostly responsible for protecting the Egyptian people is the main source of their suffering. I am worried for the future of this beautiful country because I feel that Egyptians have lost the attention and sympathy of two tremendously important figures: their government and their military.

I am a strong believer in human rights, so I find these happenings horrific. I have a young, sixteen year-old friend who was hit in the head by a rubber bullet fired by the army and fell into unconsciousness for days. However, this horrific story is merely one of thousands of reported injuries. Knowing that people around the world are oblivious to these happenings has motivated me to be the starting domino in revealing the truth surrounding oppressed countries.

To be unable to physically contribute my effort to help overcoming these inhumanities makes me feel ineffective and distressed. Therefore, I do as much as I can by raising global awareness of the subject. I blog my concern and worries for the troubled country by posting pictures, videos, articles, and speeches online for people to view. I have now grown a passion for international politics and advocating human rights. To witness the violation of respect for human rights put forth by the Egyptian military impacts my emotional well-being both negatively and drastically. Therefore, to vent this anger I have found great relief and passion towards exposing the truth to everyone anywhere I can reach.

Book Reports / White Oleander Poison. College essay. [2]

Hey guys! So the topic I chose to write about was:
"Tell us about a book, artwork, or lab experiment that changed the way you see the world. What was it about the work that affected you? How did your world become different? (500 words or less)"

I chose to write about a book that affected but im at 655 words so I need shortening and review of my content and wordiness.. I think it seems I am babbling in it a bit.

The deadline is after tomorrow and I'm hoping to submit tonight! PLEASE HELP!

I need as much criticism as possible!

"White Oleander," by Janet Fitch is a book that viciously grabs my mind and emotions and plays with both my intellectual and emotional comfort. It is a heartbreaking story of a young, twelve year old girl, who is taken away from her mother whom she is deeply attached to and placed in a series of abusive and harsh foster homes. This is because her mother is sent to a life-sentence in prison for first-degree murder of her boyfriend. Having grown up in a loving, caring household, I cannot imagine having to endure the suffering the main character, Astrid, did. Throughout her foster homes, she was forced into child labor, starved, and even shot at with a gun by one of her foster mothers. Also, she had lost the most precious blessing one could have in one's young life, the warmth and affection of a caring parent. She grew up missing such a vital factor that greatly influences and shapes a young teenager's life.

The novel's gripping and tragic story has ironically changed the way I see the world to the better. Instead of seeing the ugliness life sometimes forces upon people, I have been revealed the beauty that exists when a truly caring family is present. My parents made certain that I know they would turn the world upside down for me if they had to. They always made sure I was taken care of and always pushed me to reach my full potential in anything I strived to achieve. After reading this story, I grasped that I honestly have a fully supportive family who cares for me. The harshness of the young teenage life of this story has made me feel indescribable gratitude towards my family for bringing me up healthily and lovingly. To imagine suffering the horrors of Astrid sends disturbing chills up my spine.

This piece work has changed my world by opening my eyes to the true harshness that exists in homes, whether noticeable or not. Before I read the book, I could have been overdramatic and reacted theatrically to what now seems as silly happenings and consider myself to have a difficult life. Although I know my life is not perfect, I now regard my family and home life as the life I would chose to live over any other. The thankfulness this book has rooted in me has forever changed my life. Whenever I find myself in a difficult situation, I know that I have a family who loves me and will support me through anything, regardless of what it is. I realize now that this is a blessing that others may lack.

Reading this story has led me to the self-discovery that I am a lucky person. Everything I have gone through in my young life and everything that I have yet to experience is influenced greatly by the devoted family and warm background I come from. This background formed my personality, my way of thinking, and my approach at life. I have become the person I am by growing up in my family and in the surroundings they have created for me. I am ambitiously ready to start my life and this is accountable to my family.

Overall, it is the tragedy this story depicts in so many ways that makes me grateful that my lifestyle is sincerely loving and understanding. The emotional isolation Astrid had to suffer made me grateful for the company I am blessed with. The torture and abuse that Astrid had to endure made me grateful for the regular affection I received from my parents and siblings. The constant changing of surroundings and atmospheres made me grateful for the emotional and psychological stability I have been provided. The misfortune of this character makes me realize that I am lucky to be capable of feeling certain sentiments that others cannot. This story has opened my eyes to the beauty and value my life contains.

Undergraduate / My father, the driver. Commonapp essay. [4]

Okay so I chose the prompt "Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence
I wonder if I'm talking too much about what happened more than the influence but I'm not too sure..
Can you guys please help out with feedback on content and general mood? Is this good enough?
THANKYOU! :)

In 1992, Lovely Lila's Limousine Service owned twenty-two vehicles, including thirteen limousines and nine cars. The company was pulling in great profit and served some of the most prestigious political figures, celebrities, and hotels in New York City. The CEO and founder of this company was none other than my own father. Making a very comfortable living at the incredibly young age of twenty-seven, my father was able to provide a uniquely secure and luxurious lifestyle for me and my three siblings. In 2003, my father relocated us to Cairo, Egypt, where we also lived very comfortably.

However, leaving his business in New York behind caused it to crumble. Also, the business he had founded in Egypt was unfortunately failing to deliver the funds necessary to continue living up the standards my father had set. In 2011, after the world-wide known revolution in Egypt had taken its ill-fated toll on most privately-owned companies and nineteen years after his financial peak in 1995, my father returned to New York City in hopes of restarting the car company he left behind. Sadly, what seemed as a fresh new beginning has turned out to be mere disappointment.

My father now works for a car service that requires him to work behind the wheel of his car for seventeen hours a day. Instead of owning them, my father now drives the cars he hoped would restart his once successful business. For eighteen years my father had not held a career position that required someone to work at a higher rank than he and that demanded much of his physical contribution. He now consequently suffers from back injuries, foot pains, and extreme fatigue. For an entire year now my father has been trying to put all the pieces of his former company back together. Regardless, he is trying with such passion that I have yet to see in any other individual. He shows extreme determination and ambition to rebuild everything he once had. My father has ultimately impacted my philosophy in a way that makes me think no matter what circumstances I will be in, whether it is locating to another country or suffering a revolution, that l must never cease to try and improve. With strong willpower and unfailing effort, I, like my father, will one day be able to build a strong character and a fulfilling life the way he has. I look up to my father as a role model of personality, hard work, and attitude. The influence he has had on my work values and personal perspective will walk me through my struggles for the rest of my life and will push me to strive to be as impervious to defeat as he has been throughout his own life. One day, I am going to resist obstacles and accomplish the many goals I am striving to achieve. When this happens, I will grateful to none other than my father for setting the perfect example of how to do so.

Undergraduate / My pride and joy in peers - commonapp extracurricular response [4]

So this is the short answer I have to the commonapp extracurricular activity box and I'd love feedback on content, grammar, and whether or not this is affective.

Please be brutal! I need it to be as best as it can especially since the deadlines are approaching!

Patience, understanding, and effort are the three most important qualities I have gained in being a tutor. By tutoring French, mathematics, and biology throughout my high school career, I have found immense pleasure in helping those who needed a little extra attention to discover and eventually reach their highest potential. I would help my peers, both in large groups and privately, to acquire the confidence they needed to trust their intelligence and use it to their advantage. When the light of understanding protrudes from inside my peers' souls unto their faces when they finally come to comprehend the content I am helping them with, the warmth I feel within my being cannot be compared to any other feeling. Tutoring is undoubtedly the most rewarding extracurricular activity I have ever committed myself to.

Undergraduate / BU supplement! Roomate essay.. yay! [5]

Okay so the prompt was to write to my roommate a few things I'd like to share about myself and this is what I came up with

Growing up in the suburbs of Staten Island introduced me to white neighbors, pizza on the weekends, and a regular American childhood. I need not explain how different my childhood became when my family and I moved to Cairo, Egypt, my father's homeland. Every weekend became a weekend of loud music, eccentric foods, and Egyptian humor that could not resemble American humor any less. Being a teenager in Cairo sadly limited my acquaintances to only Egyptians but did not limit my cravings of diversity. I was always on the hunt for different and, what seemed to me at the time, exotic people. I had by then learned Arabic on top of English and was tackling the language spreading like wildfire: French. My friends, as diversely limited as myself, were amazed at my mother's weekly servings of tacos and Mexican dishes, always astounded by the fact that there was a Mexican in Egypt! For senior year, my parents decided to relocate us to New York City, the most diverse city in the world. Since I landed, I have been eagerly adapting to my surroundings and embracing the different races that surround me. I have even set a new goal for myself: to learn at least 3 more languages by the time I'll be thirty. So you see, I am astonished by different cultures and all they have to offer. The languages, music, food, and personalities certain cultures generate fascination in me and, being the kind of person who must experience to learn, I am more than excited to learn and attempt to live the lives of different people. As my roommate, if you can offer any sort of background you can vividly describe, I will be more than happy to listen, learn, and live your lifestyle with you. In return, I'll teach you Arabic, how to belly dance, and even cook you the best cuisine Egyptian food has to offer. I'll explain how to pronounce certain French words and describe to you the special occasions Mexico celebrates. I'll take you to all the exotic restaurants I can find in Boston and introduce to you all the different people I hope to meet throughout our college years. Growing up in a diverse household in a not so diverse country has built up in me the need to explore all the countries and cultures the world has to offer. Coming to America has made me realize the beauty there is in differences. You will come to realize that I am a vigorous person whose energy is hard to kill. I will drag you to the most bizarre shows, unexpected places, and unforgettable experiences. My goal throughout our four years together, is to create memories with diverse people doing extraordinary things that will become stories for our children to enjoy and look forward to imitating.

General feedback on grammar, content, and if I'm missing anything will help! The deadline's almost here and I really want to get into this uni!

Any criticism at all would help! I'll correct essays in return!
Thankyouuu! :)

Undergraduate / 'a Mexican in Egypt and New York City' - Roomates? BU Supplement! [6]

As you all know, the BU deadline is in two days and I need to have this essay perfected!
Please be brutally honest and address whatever you see fit for correction!
HELP!

Growing up in the suburbs of Staten Island introduced me to a regular American childhood. Therefore, I need not explain how different my life became when my family and I moved to Cairo, Egypt, my father's homeland. Every weekend became a weekend of loud music, eccentric foods, and strange Egyptian humor that could not resemble American humor any less. Being a teenager in Cairo sadly limited my acquaintances to only Egyptians but did not limit my cravings of diversity. I was always on the hunt for different and, what seemed to me at the time, exotic people. I had, by then, learned Arabic on top of English and was tackling the language spreading like wildfire: French. My friends, as diversely limited as myself, were amazed at my mother's weekly servings of tacos and Mexican dishes, always astounded by the fact that there was a Mexican in Egypt.

For my senior year of high school, I relocated to New York City, the most diverse city in the world. Since I landed, I have been eagerly adapting to my surroundings and embracing the different races that surround me. I have even set a new goal for myself: to learn at least 3 more languages by the time I will be thirty. So you see, I am astonished by different cultures and all they have to offer. The languages, music, food, and personalities certain cultures generate fascinate me and, being the kind of person who must experience in order to learn, I am more than excited to learn and attempt to live the lives of different people.

As my roommate, if you can offer any sort of vivid cultural background, I will be more than happy to listen, learn, and live your lifestyle with you. In return, I will teach you Arabic, how to belly dance, and even cook you the best cuisine Egyptian food has to offer. I will also explain to you how to pronounce certain French words and describe to you special Mexican holidays. In such a manner, I will walk you through the lifestyle I am accustomed to and welcome you into the assortment of cultures I embrace in my life. Throughout our years as roommates, I will take you to all the exotic restaurants I can find in Boston and introduce to you all the different people I hope to meet.

Living in a diverse household in a not as diverse country for most of my life has built up in me the need to explore all the cultures the world has to offer. You will come to realize that I am a vigorous person whose energy is hard to kill. I will drag you to the most bizarre shows, unexpected places, and unforgettable experiences. My goal throughout our four years together is to create memories with various people by doing extraordinary things that will become stories for our children to enjoy and look forward to imitating. I cannot wait to meet you.

Regards, Lila Hassan

Undergraduate / 'The strength of the Egyptian people' - Why journalism? Emerson supplement [2]

As you know, the academic programs at Emerson College are focused on communication and the arts. Please tell us what influenced you to select your first choice major and, if applicable, your second choice major. If you're undecided about your major, what attracted you to Emerson's programs? Please be brief (100-200 words).

By first handedly witnessing the fall of Egypt's most oppressive dictator after thirty years of tyranny and major violations of human rights, I have gained a substantial understanding of the importance of the world's knowledge of such events. Also, being a victim to the struggles Egyptians have endured for so long such as extreme police brutality, uncontrollable yet allowed sexual harassment, and unreasonably inflated food prices, I have come to understand the importance of speaking up, exposing the truth, and not allowing the actions that have slowly allowed beautiful countries to deteriorate to be excused and forgotten. The strength of the Egyptian people and the opportunity of experiencing the victory and pride they have gained through revolutionizing and rebuilding themselves have led me to journalism. Learning to become an outspoken and skilled journalist will allow me to help not only Egyptians, but people all over the world reveal hidden oppression and celebrate historical triumphs. Being inspired by optimistic, action-based people, I have grown not only a desire, but a passion in studying the art of journalism and reporting the happenings of our global community. Through journalism, I will learn the technique and craft necessary to reach my reporting goals.

the deadlines tomorrow so i need as much help as I can get and as critical as possible! please help and criticize whatever you see fit!

Undergraduate / "I'm a cupcake" - Emerson supplement [3]

Deadline is in a couple of hours and i need to have this perfected! I really want to get into this school!
Help with content, grammar, transitions, smoothness.
I feel like i can write this to make it more simple and smooth better.. any suggestions?
I'll gladly help in return!

Much of the work that students do at Emerson College is a form of storytelling. If you were to write the story of your life until now, what would you title it and why? Please be brief (100-200 words)

For the past seventeen years, I think the journey also known as my life can be titled into one simple word: cupcake. "Cupcake" fully explains my growth as a person, both literally and metaphorically. Ever since I was a little girl, the colors of icing and the fluffiness of cupcakes used to mesmerize me. As I grew older, I began to learn how to bake and decorate them the same way I used to see them when I was younger. I crave to eat these beautiful creations to satisfy my sweet tooth yet I also crave to create them because the mere process of baking cake and fluffing icing symbolize the kind of person I have grown to be. Seeing the cupcakes for the first time is like realizing and reaching my goals. At first, I am amazed and intrigued. Then, as I grow older, I learn the ingredients I need, the effort required of me, the patience I must practice, and the motivation I need to reach my destination. In the end, I gain personal satisfaction, from personal accomplishments and personal pleasure in my mouth.