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Posts by mzontario [Suspended]
Joined: Nov 28, 2012
Last Post: Dec 29, 2012
Threads: 9
Posts: 43  
From: Canada

Displayed posts: 52 / page 1 of 2
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mzontario   
Nov 28, 2012
Undergraduate / personal essey; For my whole life, I could never pick one place to call my home [2]

I was born in Connecticut and left it after 3 months that I can't even remember.

That sounds quite awkward.

Try: 'I was born in Connecticut but after living there for only 3 months there, I don't remember much.'

Sounds good!

Shows you're quite a diverse person who has had many travels.
mzontario   
Nov 28, 2012
Undergraduate / Swimming changed my parents - UC Prompt #1; growing up in conservative Chinese household [4]

Why aren't you into sciences? Math isn't hard at all so why are you struggling?

A good part of my childhood was laden with questions like these. I grew up in what I would describe as a conservative and typical Chinese household, in which my parents dictated my future and growing up, I felt as though I was constantly drowning in a culture fostering competition. Every assignment I received back was accompanied by a question as to how my friends did and everything I did was examined with a fine-toothed comb and compared to my relatives and family friends. My grades, my table etiquette, how I clean the house. Everything. My parents believed that if I did everything they wanted and stayed on top, I would achieve my maximum potential. The mindset that I had to always be number one in order to be successful was drilled into me. Their way was the right way.

My life changed with swimming. My parents originally possessed a deep desire for me to become a talent pianist, but as the years passed, my 30 minute swim lessons turned into three hour club practices and piano faded into the background. In the summer of Grade 10, my parents enrolled me in a training swim program spearheaded by the retired coach of China's Olympic team and by Grade 11, I received the MVP award and won several regional and provincial Silver and Gold medals.

With swimming, I began to realize that I didn't buy into the competitive nature of my environment. When people congratulate me on all my successes, I can't help but think that none of the rankings and races matter. What mattered was the realization that life has nothing to do with competing with others and everything about competing with yourself. My journey began with me always stressing about the swimmer in the next lane, but after experiencing the satisfaction and accomplishment of seeing my sprint time drop, even by a few milliseconds, the only thing that mattered whether or not I had beaten my personal best.

To my astonishment, I wasn't alone in my discoveries. Surprisingly, my parents understood my realizations and saw the happiness and success that came with doing what I loved. As the years passed, they realized that my diversion off their intended path wasn't bad at all. I was doing well in school, made friends, and most importantly, enjoying my life. Swimming set off a wonderful chain of events. With my parents' new found open mindedness, I stepped off the path the rest of my family - engineers and doctors and instead intend to make my own career out of business. My dreams and aspirations are now driven not by competition but rather what I love.

Swimming helped me become atypical compared to _______. My eyes are now opened to the supportive community surrounding me and I am no longer driven by the want to beat others or achieve the highest grades. I no longer aspire to become what my parents want and am unafraid to pursuit my interests - business, law, and linguistics. Because of swimming, gone are the typical dreams and aspirations of my conservative Chinese background and here I stand: no longer a part of the crowd, but one girl off to the side, happy with where she is. (tailor)
mzontario   
Nov 28, 2012
Undergraduate / University of Colorado Boulder Flagship Essay - Returning Home and Finding Myself [4]

In technical terms I moved there, lived there, and received an education during the two years.

I think it should be, 'Technically, I moved there, lived there, and received and education in the two years.'

I like this. Very nostalgic and one can tell you wrote it from the heart. :)
mzontario   
Dec 10, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Christianity and alcohol' - Brave New World - Columbia Supplement [3]

I really need to cut this down a bit.

Thank you so much ahead of time! ANY criticism is welcome. :)

Brave New World, a classic novel by Aldous Huxley, is one that made me think and question. It was not the provocative themes of promiscuity, anti - monogamy, and drug indulgence that intrigued me, but rather the new world that the novel took place in. I was initially entertained by the thought of an utopian society - one in which moral repercussions are non - existent and happiness can be achieved through a simple soma dosage, a drug described as 'all the advantages of Christianity and alcohol; none of their defects.' However, once I reflected on the novel, my perspective on how I regarded society changed. Brave New World raises the question - what is the price of happiness? Although it seems promising to live in a society in which you are conditioned to excel at your job and love your life, in actuality, it is in direct opposition to the values we cherish today - freedom of expression, the pursuit of knowledge, and independent rational ideas. Although written in 1931, Brave New World depicted a likely future in which we are sedated by the government and media, taking us further and further away from being independent and innovative free - thinkers of society. Now, even in what we call the 'information age,' there are governments and states who try to censor information that should be free to us - whether it be through Bills like SOPA or repressive governments like those we see in North Korea. From Brave New World, I learned that we should never take things that are spoon fed to us at face value and rather think critically, ______, and _________.
mzontario   
Dec 10, 2012
Undergraduate / Tae Kwon Do made me a better and stronger person; Haravard Essay [6]

This was great - really mentioned your strengths.

Try to focus not SO much on Tae Kwon Do. Adjust your narrative a bit. It almost seems as though you're mentioning TKD and then throwing in some other accomplishments to try to link them together. Try to find a better way of jumping from TKD to physics.
mzontario   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Captain Mac' - Common App Influential Person Topic [5]

I think you need to focus a bit more on how he actually influenced you and not just what happened.

Overall, good theme. Very unique subject. : )

AT my first Residential Life Officer (RLO) meeting, I was nervous. I didn't know anybody, and worst of all, I had no idea who my RLO was personally.
mzontario   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Harvard commonapp supplement essays- about use of education [8]

12 years of school and finally 4 years of college, or may be 2 more years of college, or maybe 2 more years of college and then were done. Round about 16-19 years of education, what an extent. But education is not limited to college, but the real education begins after it, when we have to face the world. In a world where we fall back and then again stand out for a life-going battle.

and then WE'RE done.

I feel like we're / your would both work but I'm would feel more personal.

'But education is not limited to college, but the real education begins after it, when we have to face the world. In a world where we fall back and then again stand out for a life-going battle.'

^major grammar issues here.

However, education is not limited to college, for the real education begins after when we need to face the world in which we continually fall and stand back up against life's long battles?
mzontario   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Why Poly? / Area of interest / Polythinker / Inventor) - Poly Supplements [3]

In your first paragraph, try not to repeat the question to answer it. Go straight into it.

I would take Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz, one of the inventorS of calculus

The museum will also show him the applications of math and especially calculus, for without it, many technology would not exist today and the world without it would be very different.

Don't use contractions.

Good job!
mzontario   
Dec 13, 2012
Speeches / Our internet should be more secure. [2]

Our internet today is used for a wide range of tasks like social networking, gaming and paying bills. In our modern age the internet has exploded from that old dial-up connection to having everyone connected wirelessly.

SUCH AS social networking ...

In our modern age, (comma)

Use the oxford comma.

Not only do we conduct business and work online, we also pay bills and make online purchases.

Avoid contractions if possible.
mzontario   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Columbia helps find a balance in life; NYU [5]

Any criticism is welcome!
Columbia, paired with New York City, is abundant with opportunities. Columbia's breathtaking campus is small enough to not feel lost in the crowd, yet large enough to meet unique people and explore NYC, from Grimaldi's Pizzeria to the Staten Island boat graveyard. Most importantly, it is easy to find balance in one's life.

Columbia's commitment to provide equal opportunities for students, both social and financial, is unparalleled and the chance to flourish with the world's most intelligent and progressive thinkers is incomparable. As a teen dedicated to eliminating the stigma surrounding the LGBTQ community, I aspire to pursue my education in Columbia's open environment.

Columbia's World Leaders Forum is something unique to the school that I find particularly inviting. As a student passionate about local and global change, I can witness issues that matter to me being brought to the forefront of discussion by the world's most influential leaders as well as meet others who are passionate about similar causes.

Last, Columbia's focus on multi-disciplinary learning, especially through Core, is fundamental to personal development and provides the opportunity for me to apply my leadership skills and innovative thinking. To balance the stressful academics, exciting traditions (such as the 40s on 40s and the Primal Scream) are always available to let loose. Columbia is the one place where I can obtain a prestigious education in the most exciting city in the world has to offer.
mzontario   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Don't be creeped out; STANFORD COMMON APP. ROOMIE ESSAY [9]

I liked this!

Maybe focus a TINY bit more on the positives? The beginning focused a lot on how you're blank and 'a vegetable,' so that leaves a bit of a lasting impression.

It's not THE tumblr quote, "My personality is who I am, my attitude depends on who you are."

Try to make your personality a tiny bit more exciting. Seeming a little too anti - social.
mzontario   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Governor's School of Engineering: Extracurricular Activity or Interest. "The Robo-T-Birds" [2]

Now, just what was I doing eating Italian food in a claustrophobic workshop?

Now, what was I doing eating Italian food in a claustrophobic workshop, you ask?

I enjoyed his narrative. : )

I was working on our robot for the 2011 FIRST Robotics Competition held annually by the science organization USFIRST - in which student teams of various sizes ranging from Brazil to Turkey and from five to over thirty across grades 9 through 12 pour their hearts and souls into an inbred mechanical wonder.

Grammar problem. Sizes don't range from Brazil to Turkey.

Try,

in which student teams of various sizes from Brazil to Turkey across Grades 9 through 12 poured their souls into an inbred mechanical wonder.
mzontario   
Dec 13, 2012
Undergraduate / Trekking; Common App Activity [2]

This is good except I have no idea what you're talking about.

Camping trip? Cadets? Hunger Games?

Narrative is great but needs to be a little bit more straightforward in terms of what you're trying to convey. :D
mzontario   
Dec 17, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Interest and love for business' - Field of intended study - Columbia [6]

For applicants to Columbia College, please tell us what from your current and past experiences (either academic or personal) attracts you specifically to the field or fields of study that you noted in the Application Data section. If you are currently undecided, please write about any field or fields in which you may have an interest.

Ever since I could remember, I had a passion and intention to study business. I grew up surrounded by computer screens decorated with red and green numbers and jagged lines. Turns out, my dad was an avid stock trader, and I became the twelve year old who explained bonds and dividends to anyone who would listen.

When I enrolled into the International Business and Technology Program and began to take courses in marketing, finance, and entrepreneurship, the intricate workings of the global economy interested me and my love for business grew. SWOT analyses and equity statements felt pedestrian and writing business plans and participating in ventures became the norm.

In Grade 10, I joined DECA, a case-study based business competition in which I was a provincial finalist for two years and a leadership developer in Florida. DECA helped me realize that business is not merely memorizing information but also being able to effectively communicate and sell an idea. As an executive of my school's DECA as well as a student trustee who directly represents over 1.2 million Ontario students, I fell in love with the people side of business.

The world I came from exposed me to all the leadership opportunities and enjoyment that can be gained from my career aspirations. My upbringing, education, and DECA experience have all transformed my outlook on business, my career, and my life. At Columbia, I am confident I will gain the skills and character necessary to lead a company in the future.
mzontario   
Dec 18, 2012
Undergraduate / Needed to do more with my life - Exploring interests at NYU [4]

My school formed a debate team in my sophomore year and I decided to be a part of it because of my live oor arguments and politics, but it was not until my junior year when I took Morality did I realize that we all have a responsibility to be just and help carry out justice.

Run on sentence. Try to cut it into too succinct and effective sentences.

'I know that the NYU's curriculum, specifically in the Global Liberal Studies Program, will help me fulfill my dreams and goals because it is centered on everything I believe in.'

NYU's Global Liberal Studies program is centred around my beliefs and will help me fulfill my career aspirations.

You used a lot of fluff words like 'dreams' and 'goals.' Be careful when being vague.
mzontario   
Dec 18, 2012
Undergraduate / The Chariot of Insecurity/ Williams / looking through a window [4]

Genieo
Made me even wonder, does this vehicle even have Insurance?!

You capitalized a couple of random words like insurance and crab.

Also, try to make the crab relate to your appreciation of western countries, which shouldn't be caps either.
mzontario   
Dec 20, 2012
Undergraduate / Me Vs My sister; Stanford Supp/ Intellectual vitality [7]

I was always compared to her and seemed to always fall behind, leaving me feeling like a disappointment to my family. In middle school, she brought home impressive report cards with consecutive As while I brought home Bs. While she was gifted, I never was. I could never seem to be as smart as him.

I feel as though your essay is more trying to beat from your sister rather than learning from the competition. Maybe write it so that it is more focused on you being motivated by your sister's success.

Please take a look at mine? : )
mzontario   
Dec 24, 2012
Undergraduate / Disabilities - UNC @ Chapel Hill - What problem am I trying to solve? [3]

5. Carolina encourages students and faculty to solve problems. What problem are you trying to solve, and why is it important to you? (approximately 500 words)

Any feedback is appreciated!

--

The stigma that surrounds mental disorders has always been present. Like many, I previously thought that 'disability' was equivalent to 'dysfunction,' however my experience with YNOT changed my perception and understanding of an entire group present and prominent within society - individuals with mental disabilities.

As a swim instructor at my local YMCA, my work with YNOT consisted of providing swimming lessons for children with mental disorders. The conditions of the children in my class varied, from ADHD to cerebral palsy. Having not grown up around any disabled children, I was nervous and had no idea what to expect.

The group I worked with completely changed my perspective. They were ready to learn, get involved, and above all, belong to something that would otherwise be unavailable to them. As time passed, I had the opportunity to learn more about these kids. Although I had come to love these kids with no second thought of their disabilities, I listened as parents told me stories of their children getting teased in regular swim lessons and the bullying that occurred within their schools. Although I felt awful, I merely believed that the cruelty of other kids was justified by their age and inability to understand differences. That is, until a friend of mine referred to YNOT as a 'class of retards.'

That's when I realized that we have a problem in our society. If a close friend could not understand that my kids are not 'retards,' how could we expect those with no relation to anyone with disabilities to? Individuals with beliefs based on fear and misunderstandings often stereotype those with mental illnesses, exposing them to prejudice. In addition, with many educators and policy makers sweeping the topic of mental health under the rug, there is a lack of instruction and awareness in our schools from a young age.

As a member of my student council, I organized a mental health week with the assistance of the Canadian Mental Health Association and spearheaded the promotion of the Mental Health Charter of Rights by the Coalition of Children and Youth Mental Health in my school board. The goal of both initiatives was to encourage students to learn and discuss issues related to mental health in order to bring the topic to the forefront of discussion in schools and communities. The response was overwhelming. Over 500 students participated in workshops daily that week and a Mental Health Charter now hangs from all 32 high schools in the [insert school board]. In YNOT, my kids and I organized a Swim-a-Thon for the entire community, raising over $9,000 for the Canadian Mental Health Association and collecting 8,280 signatures in support of mental health awareness.

In the end, there will always be those with mental disabilities, but there does not have to be a stigma that surrounds them. Eliminating the discrimination against mental disorders has become a passion of mine, and I hope that one step at a time, __________.
mzontario   
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / "Is that a deal?"; Columbia U; Personal experience [2]

You had a couple of run on sentences.

My immigrant parents, true businessman at heart, finds themselves with a strange deficiency for the language called English, and therefore was incapable to carry out their business ambitions.

Immigrant parents = plural.
Business man = singular.
Make sure your words match.

I HOPE, not I HOPES.

Overall, good essay. Just be wary of grammar mistakes. : )
mzontario   
Dec 25, 2012
Undergraduate / My three week family trip to China; Stanford App/ intellectual vitality [3]

Your entire essay idea was good and the narrative was fine, but there is a lot of random information that you didn't connect together and it felt as though you were telling an interesting story and just picked a random thing to tie it together at the end.

For example, it was nice that you recalled the Facebook block and the poverty that you witnessed, but it doesn't relate to your language fluency.
mzontario   
Dec 26, 2012
Undergraduate / Minor in economics; Duke - Why Duke Arts and Science? [2]

(For Arts and Sciences Applicants Only) If you are applying to Trinity College of Arts and Sciences, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something in particular at Duke that attracts you? Please limit your response to one or two paragraphs.

As someone who aspires to pursue a career in international diplomacy, I hope to enroll in Duke's International Comparative Studies (ICS) program and pursue a minor in economics. The ICS program is one of its kind and allows me to develop a strong foundation in global studies, which is crucial in understanding the ever -changing state of our world and economy. Having travelled across Europe and Asia at a young age, I have experienced first-hand the cultural and political differences that exist between borders and with my experience, I can actively contribute and engage in course discussions. Duke's multi-faceted FOCUS program enables me to explore unconventional disciplines not offered at other universities and I am particularly interested in the Ethics, Leadership & Global Citizenship and Modeling in Economic & Social Sciences courses. Most importantly, Duke's study abroad program provides an excellent opportunity, both academic and social, to become engaged in a global setting and experience the cultural, historical, and political topics covered in class.

Socially, I love Duke's 'work hard, play hard' environment. A school's sense of pride and community plays a crucial part in one's undergraduate experience and Duke is no short of school spirit with its superior academics and incredible athletics. Specifically, I find Duke's Greek life inviting. In a sorority, I can not only experience fun and excitement, but develop a close knit support system of like-minded students and alumni as well. From academic support and community service to leadership opportunities and life-long friendships, if accepted, Greek life will be a highlight of my undergraduate experience at Duke. Overall, Duke is the one institution where I can learn under the best minds of the country and flourish with students who are equally passionate about making an impact with their education. By exposing myself to a full spectrum of available resources, the Duke undergraduate program will prepare me for a career in international studies through an intellectual and dynamic environment.
mzontario   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Admin Officer/ Neuroscience/ courses/ Sudan/Something you are Proud about/Brown Supp [3]

In my hunt to find the Ivy League school that I would flourish in
^ That sounds a bit pretentious. It kind if comes off as I WOULD ONLY FLOURISH IN IVY LEAGUE.

The brain is one of components of the body that human kind least knows about.
^ The brain is one component of the body that humans know little about.

In the standard core curriculum, everyone has to take certain introductory courses whether they like it or not.
^ Take out the 'whether they like it or not.' Sounds like they're not holding a gun to your head.

I felt like I truly belonged when I unlocked the chest and held up the diamond prize in front of two hundred fellow student leaders acknowledging the effort I put into solving the elaborate puzzle.

^ Very vague.

Overall, good ideas but you can definitely combine a couple of ideas and make them more concise - especially for the communities question.
mzontario   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / I am drawn to international economics; UPenn App/ Engaging academically @ Upenn [2]

Penn education provides a liberal arts and sciences foundation across multiple disciplines with a practical emphasis in one of four undergraduate schools: the College of Arts and Sciences, the School of Engineering and Applied Science, the School of Nursing, or the Wharton School.

Given the undergraduate school to which you are applying, please discuss how you will engage academically at Penn. (300 words)


I see no limits in the academic opportunities ahead of me at the Wharton School. At Wharton, the wide-ranging selection of courses investigates every crevice of business and its multi-faceted undergraduate curriculum allows me to explore the academic interests of my choice. As an immigrant, I am drawn to international economics, specifically the rapid expansion of economy in China, my native country. I hope to conduct research, for example, to examine potential correlation between the surge in middle class wealth in China and the one-child policy. Valuable facilities such as the Penn Institute for Economic Research will accommodate and foster these aspirations.

Leadership is a critical component for success not only in the workplace, but in life. Through Wharton Leadership Ventures, Management 100, and the Undergraduate Leadership Forum, I can flourish with likeminded students beyond business related projects and truly learn the meaning of leadership, communication, and trust through unconventional experiences like whitewater rafting and hiking expeditions. At Wharton, I can step outside my comfort zone and continue to develop as a leader, and as a person.

Most importantly, the education I gain at Wharton is not limited to a future in business. The skills to network, collaborate with others, and manage a team are applicable in any career aspiration. As someone interested in pursuing a MBA or attending law school, Wharton's flexible education prepares me for both.

Overall, Wharton is an institution where I can flourish with students and faculty alike who are equally passionate about making an impact. By exposing myself to a full spectrum of available resources, the Wharton undergraduate program will improve my analytical capacity and literacy in business, as well as prepare me for a career in international business through an intellectual and dynamic environment.
mzontario   
Dec 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Hunting the Hidden ; Columbia Supp- "what you found interesting..." [2]

Fractals: Hunting the Hidden Dimension, is a movie far from the works of Walt Disney. I'd first watched as a result of an interesting newspaper article. "Hey, Mr. Kohm," I murmured as I stumbled into his office (he is the AP of math at my school).

Disney allusion was a bit odd. Second sentence is too short and abrupt.

You described your interaction with your teacher in a little bit too much detail ... it took up nearly half your answer. Cut it down and talk more about the actual video itself.
mzontario   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / 'An Unexpected Journey and Winning the Green Card' Common Application [33]

The eyes flowing in the beginning is a bit ambiguous. Flowing on what? The cover that you mentioned? The book?

Back ON American soil.

Why did you put ' 's around freshman year?

All the plans I had for university came to a halt --though in my eyes, postponed.
^Postponed and halt are kind of the same. Were you trying to say 'ruined?"

Overall good essay, though.

Check mine out?

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