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Posts by kerry2654
Name: Kerry-Ann
Joined: Oct 22, 2015
Last Post: Jan 13, 2016
Threads: 13
Posts: 37  
From: United States of America

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kerry2654   
Oct 22, 2015
Undergraduate / "Terps are diverse" University of Maryland-College Park/Diversity Essay/Outsider [5]

This is just a draft of the main ideas I want to talk about since I'm stuck on how to approach things next. Thank you in advance!

University of Maryland - College Park
Word Count: 457

Terps are diverse. They bring intellectual, social and cultural differences to our community. Describe the different parts of you which will contribute to our diverse campus community (500 words)

I am not the model Congolese daughter. Never perfect in my domestic duties. Social views more liberal than conservative. Interpretation of Christianity contradicts my learning. My parents informed me that these ideals weren't a pleasant reflection on their parenting. Both in our culture and their positions as pastors, image is everything. I was pressured to succumb to their traditional values. It seemed as if I was living a double life, one for my parents and the other for myself. This internal conflict made me miserable as I fought to be my own person on a daily basis.

I am not seen as black. My playlist consists of top 40 radio. I read for pleasure often. The majority of my speech isn't African-American Vernacular English. Growing up in a gifted program as the only black girl had consequences; transitioning to a middle school as one of many, I stuck out through my style, mannerisms, and interests. To others, I was an "Oreo", a black person seen as white. It was a foreign concept as I believed that appearance was the only qualification for blackness. Either way, I denied my blackness as I claimed that I was African and not black.

I spent my adolescence feeling displaced until my sophomore year. My African-American History teacher educated us beyond the curriculum about race and social issues. Educating myself further on these issues was the first step to defining my individuality. I learned how to assert myself through new passion in my beliefs. By rejecting racial stereotypes, I embraced my African heritage and Black-American identity.

Now, I incorporate my Congolese values of identity and maturity with an open mindset that allows me to accept individuality. Being a part of multiple communities allowed me to recognize and respect other cultures.

This is important because my initiative would allow me to broadcast acceptance at the University of Maryland-College Park. My plan during my undergraduate years is to to implement programs on campus that recognizes and projects marginalized groups' opinions and belief. I will accomplish such through a Rise Above grant and the Diversity Advisory Council. I know the experience of exclusion, and I will make it my goal to further inclusion at school. Also, I confidently express myself and my beliefs, a trait not everyone possesses, and I'll help others do so.
kerry2654   
Oct 22, 2015
Undergraduate / Macaron Process for Common App Essay 2015 Prompt 1? [4]

Do you enjoy baking macarons for a specific reason? Do you want to become a baker? If not, I don't think the topic matches the prompt well but it's your essay. You mention blending your culture, how so? You should explore that more for your essay.
kerry2654   
Oct 22, 2015
Undergraduate / Common App/ Challenged A Belief/ "If my child was gay, then I would put them up for adoption." [7]

Common App Personal Statement
Word Count: 547
Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again? (250-650 words)

Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again? (250-650 words)

"If my child was gay, then I would put them up for adoption." said Kevin.

"If you're going to have children and need specific guidelines to accept them, then don't have children," I realized too late that my voice was above the conversational volume of TGI Friday's; yet, I still didn't hesitate and kept my voice clear. "It shouldn't matter what your child identifies as."

"You're wrong," emphasized Kevin, Star, and Djogi. Tilting my head with my eyebrows raised, I sighed at the new direction this pleasant Saturday evening had taken. I felt all of the remaining eyes shift toward us as tension grew. Our group compiled of siblings: Deborah and Djogi, Kevin and Raphaelle, Star and Divine, Surya and myself.

"Am I wrong for aiming to love my children no matter what?"

Just an interruption in a two-person conversation began the table-wide social issue debate. One contradicting opinion on a particular topic always evolves into a heated discussion before settling in an understanding to agree-to-disagree. Ten minutes earlier I had predicted this argument to fall into the usual pattern but I felt obligated to prolong it.

My black bean burger and fries now occupied my actions while my mind focused on earlier. I knew they had labeled me a "social justice warrior" for questioning them, but I felt obligated to do so. What made me alone in my mindset? We were all Congolese-American, attended the same church, lived in the same town all a majority of our lives, and went to the same school. We grew up in such a similar predicament that I was confused how we became so different. all environmental factors contributing to our opinions.

But then again, what did I expect? Their views were a reflection of our Congolese upbringing: socially conservative, stubborn, and opinionated laced with critical tones. I felt pressured to be a model Congolese child and follow their traditional values so I succumbed.

I never realized how much I lacked in independent judgement until I took African-American History my sophomore year. My teacher taught beyond the curriculum to present vast social issues such as LGBT+ rights and feminism. These topics were unfamiliar yet my culture made me biased. By educating myself on social justice, I have found my voice. I now believe I can develop my own outlook by incorporating my Congolese values of love and maturity with a broader belief of acceptance.

I chose not to interact with my friends as much from their treatment of others. I understand and respect our traditional upbringing. I base my interactions with others from my core values of impartiality and respect. Their opinions revealed unfair treatment against marginalized communities such as the LGBT+ community, who deserve nothing but respect and humanity. Our differing religious interpretations on homosexuality aside, there is no excuse for intolerance. I just chose to have a modern point of view. I base my interactions with others from my core values of impartiality and respect. In retrospect, I will make the same decision because I'm proud of that encounter by how I proved myself that day. The person I presented that day is the person I make sure I am today. Someone who is passionate for what they believe in and courageous enough to speak up. I proved that when I put my core values above all.
kerry2654   
Oct 25, 2015
Undergraduate / Common App/ Challenged A Belief/ "If my child was gay, then I would put them up for adoption." [7]

Thank you so much for the feedback!
Common App Personal Statement
Word Count: 559

Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again? (250-650 words)

"If my child was gay, then I would put them up for adoption." said Kevin.
"If you're going to have children and need specific guidelines to accept them, then don't have children," I realized too late that my voice was above the conversational volume of TGI Friday's; yet, I didn't hesitate and kept my voice clear. "It shouldn't matter what your child identifies as."

"You're wrong," emphasized Kevin, Star, and Djogi. Tilting my head with my eyebrows raised, I sighed at the new direction this pleasant Saturday evening had taken. I felt all of the remaining eyes shift towards us as tensions grew. Our group was compiled of siblings: Deborah and Djogi, Kevin and Raphaelle, Star and Divine, Surya and myself. (I'm not sure of this sentence, it seems thrown in. My goal was to give more context on my friends)

"Am I wrong for aiming to love my children no matter what?"
Just an interruption in a two-person conversation began the table-wide social issue debate. One contradicting opinion on a particular topic always evolved into a heated discussion before settling in an understanding to agree-to-disagree. Ten minutes earlier I had predicted that this argument would fall into the usual pattern but I felt obligated to prolong it.

My black bean burger and fries now occupied my actions while my mind focused on earlier. I knew they had labeled me a "social justice warrior" for questioning them, but I felt obligated to do so. What made me alone in my mindset? We were all Congolese-American, attended the same church, lived in the same town for the majority of our lives, and went to the same school. Considering the similar environmental factors contributing to our opinions, I was confused how we became so different.

But then again, what did I expect? Their views were a reflection of our Congolese upbringing: socially conservative, stubborn, and opinionated laced with critical tones. I felt pressured to be a model Congolese child and follow their traditional values so I succumbed.

I never realized how much I lacked in independent judgement until I took African-American History in my sophomore year. My teacher taught beyond the curriculum to present vast social issues such as LGBT+ rights and feminism. These topics were unfamiliar yet my culture made me biased. By educating myself on social justice, I found my voice. I learned how to assert myself through new passion in my beliefs. I now believe I can develop my own outlook by incorporating my Congolese values of love and maturity with a broader belief of acceptance.

Though I understand and respect our traditional upbringing, I chose not to interact with my friends as much because of their treatment to others. Their opinions revealed unfair treatment against marginalized communities such as the LGBT+ community, who deserve nothing but respect and humanity. Our differing religious interpretations on homosexuality aside, there is no excuse for intolerance. I just chose to have a modern point of view. I base my interactions with others on my core values of impartiality and respect. In retrospect, I will make the same decision again because I'm proud how I proved myself that day. The person I presented that day is the person I am today. Someone who is passionate for what they believe in and courageous enough to speak up. I was able to prove that when I put my core values above all, I will be unbiased and fair in dealing with situations in life.
kerry2654   
Oct 27, 2015
Undergraduate / Her face looks funny... Common App essay prompt 1 [5]

Here are some things I noticed:

It was an Egyptian winter day around the middle of January; people in the streets were buried in many layers of heavy clothing to protect their bodies from the "bone-chilling" 12 degrees Celsius (this is considered extreme cold when you live in Egypt) - I think with bone-chilling, an explanation isn't needed.

Returning home from soccer practice, I followed the inviting smell of Romanian food into the kitchen. I found my grandmother standing by the stove in her beige knitted pullover and checkered skirt. - Is this an uniform for her?

I recognized that she was cooking my favorite homemade dish stuffed cabbage rolls. , which happened to be my favorite homemade dish.
kerry2654   
Oct 27, 2015
Undergraduate / Her face looks funny... Common App essay prompt 1 [5]

I say start the scene with you following the smell into the kitchen then noticing your grandmother's face. After that, speak on the research and how hopeless you felt since you were unable to help. Then, end with how your curiosity in terms of science transitioned into an interest in medicine.
kerry2654   
Oct 27, 2015
Undergraduate / Carleton first caught my attention, because of its size, location, and beautiful campus [5]

For a why this college essay, you should focus on what you want in a school (other than size, location, reputation or the weather) and how do they fit that. You should be talking about classes, activities, professors, etc. Also, talk about qualities about you and how the school matches you well. Why exactly do you want to go there? Be very specific.
kerry2654   
Oct 27, 2015
Undergraduate / Emerson College/ Attraction to Major/ Marketing Communications - Public Relations [2]

Emerson College Supplement 1
Word Count: 151

As you know, the academic programs at Emerson College are focused on communication and the arts. Please tell us what influenced you to select your major. If you're undecided about your major, what attracted you to Emerson's programs? Please be brief (100-200 words)

Like a puppeteer, a publicist is strategic. Every action and every word is calculated to appeal to their audience. While a puppeteer controls their puppet for entertainment, a publicist controls their client for informing, persuading, and promoting. I've always been captivated by marketing communications, specifically entertainment public relations, as they are the force behind the illusion of perfection. With my vast interests in the entertainment industry, I've always wondered how celebrities appeared to be so perfect. When choosing a career, I knew it would one that did this. Learning about a publicist's role, I realized how perfect it was for me. They research and analyze trends and opinions for decision making. They implement flexible, innovative solutions for problems. They use self-expression through both writing and visual elements to display talent. Others desire to live a perfect lifestyle like those in the spotlight while I desire to craft that image of perfection.
kerry2654   
Dec 11, 2015
Undergraduate / Being the Biggest Brother - Personal Statement - My world [3]

While I was sitting around the table on the first morning of the New Lunar Year with my whole family, I noticed that people change over time. They get older. Once a young college freshman is now holding her newborn and singing lullaby. A beautiful wife who once carried me on her back is now a pensioner with freckles on her face. Time is going by. - could you add more examples of how your family changed? or does the word count limit you?

I feel like you can expand more, especially in the second paragraph. What is being the first born like? What are the exact obstacles you face? How does being the first born translate to you wanting to be a storyteller?
kerry2654   
Dec 11, 2015
Undergraduate / International Baccalaureate courses Classes -- Why Macalester essay [2]

Sure, International Baccalaureate courses may be challenging, but it' s real benefit is its international intellectuality students gather throughout their high school years. - This is worded kind of confusing. How about saying something like IB courses may be challenging but it results in.. (something about academics) (then introduce what it does for diversity)

When I chose my junior year classes, I thought about where I wanted to go. I know I wanted to go to a college with a diverse student body. I wanted to go to a institution where student' s aren't just going in to learn, but to broaden their perspectives, to question their governments, and to question the world.

I like the main points that you have but I think with a Why X essay you should write about more than one point about the school. One good tip I've learned is to write down what you want in a school and what that school has to offer that you like. Diversity is fine though. You could maybe just expand on what Macalester offers for you to contribute to the diversity, such as something for international students.

Sorry if my response seems messy and confusing.
kerry2654   
Dec 11, 2015
Scholarship / Discuss leadership experience - Gates Millennium [5]

Gates Millennium Scholarship
Word Count: 264

Discuss a leadership experience you have had in any area of your life: school, work, athletics, family, church, community, etc. How and why did you become a leader in this area? How did this experience influence your goals? (1000 words)

I joined my school's newspaper during my junior year to build a solid foundation of writing skills. Journalism was a change from normal English classes but I adapted. As a journalist, I began writing with purpose, presenting ideas, meeting deadlines, and connecting with my audience.

By becoming adjusted to the new environment, I sought other roles with more responsibility. I approached my teacher with my career goals and how I could gain more experience within the course. Being a member of the student relations committee has improved my communication skills. My primary role as a liaison between the administration and students is planning and advertising events. This taught me how to collaborate and compromise to accomplish tasks. Being a camera operator has improved my media literacy skills. My primary role as a broadcaster is streaming board meeting to the community by filming. This has taught me how to network and expand my media handling field. My senior year, I became an editor and copy editor. Being an editor improved my analyzing skills. My primary role as an editor is assisting the editor-in-chief with editing with content and flow. This has taught me how to read with a different perspective. Being a copyeditor has improved my grammar and journalism skills. My primary role as a copy editor is editing for grammar and AP style. This has taught me how to read with a different perspective.

The core of both journalism and my desired field of public relations is storytelling, analyzing, and conceptualizing ideas. An education in journalism both prepared and expanded my public relations expertise.
kerry2654   
Dec 11, 2015
Scholarship / Difficult problematic subjects - Gates Millennium Scholarship [7]

Gates Millennium Scholarship
Word Count: 309

Discuss the subjects in which you have had difficulty. What factors do you believe contributed to your difficulties? How have you dealt with them so they will not cause problems for you again? In what areas have you experienced the greatest improvement? What problem areas remain? (1000 words)

Confidence is a good and bad thing with academics. As school work came easily for me, I became confident and progressed in my achievements. From being in a gifted program in elementary school to taking honors classes in middle school to doing the same in high school. But it had a consequence: I relied on my confidence rather than adapting to the challenges. This consequence took its course through math. In 8th grade, I struggled with Accelerated Geometry yet never made a complete effort in trying to get a better grade. It was a difficult subject yet I never attempted to ask for help or put in more effort. I just accepted my grade. Though freshman year Algebra II was better. I still never asked for help. In 10th grade, I was still insecure in my full abilities with math. I failed Accelerated Pre-Calculus my sophomore year with an immature mindset. I slept in class, ignored the homework, and failed every test. I again accepted that I would never succeed in the class so I didn't study enough and work to my fullest ability. After failing the class, the first thing I did go into junior year was build my confidence with Pre-Calculus by beginning at regular then proving my work ethic and moving up to AP Prep. I progressed by learning how to mature as a student. To stop being immature and know the breadth of my abilities. When I went to AP Prep, I learned from my sophomore year mistakes by reaching out for help when I didn't understand, by doing the homework right away, and studying for quizzes and tests. I experienced the greatest improvement in my mindset toward math. Though it's a subject that will always challenge me, I learned not to give up or struggle in silence. Each test is encouragement to do better.
kerry2654   
Dec 18, 2015
Undergraduate / "Organized chaos" - Stanford mini essay 250 words: Future roommate [3]

Organized chaos is definition of myour future room. One moment, you'll see randomly scattered books and a blanket hanging off my bed like a curtain.- add another example of the clutter

The next moment, however, you'll wonder whether room service paid us a surprise visit. It will be spic and spam.- add an example of the cleanliness.

One moment I could either be engrossed in the implications and applications of what I have learned or . The next I will be asking you which of life's mysteries we should ponder over a bag of crisps.

I think you should focus a lot more on what kind of roommate you'll be rather than talking about the room. Also, I'm not sure how you speak normally, but some words just sound like synonyms of commonly used ones. Try to sound more comfortable.
kerry2654   
Dec 18, 2015
Undergraduate / Leadership, service and progress - The motto of Georgia Tech. [12]

To me that possibility is the ultimate satisfaction.

That is exactly what I've been doing over the past year:programming a hexacopter to ...
I've been working with a team of engineers and hell/indeed- I don't understand this part, one could say that working ...

I think you could introduce what got you into engineering outreach programs -Upon joining an engineer based student organization, I've volunteered for multiple engineering outreach programs. My part of the service contribution consists of directing crowds, transporting supplies and my favorite, presenting why and what makes engineering is an amazing choice. and the mind-blowing feats one could achieve in this field.

Leading a group to victory is fulfilling , not solely because of said victory but rather because of your leading command.
kerry2654   
Dec 19, 2015
Scholarship / Difficult problematic subjects - Gates Millennium Scholarship [7]

Thank you for help @smunozas23 and @vangiespen! I tried to expand more with this draft.

Gates Millennium Scholarship
Word Count: 387

Discuss the subjects in which you have had difficulty. What factors do you believe contributed to your difficulties? How have you dealt with them so they will not cause problems for you again? In what areas have you experienced the greatest improvement? What problem areas remain? (1000 words)

Though I excelled in math enough to advance a year ahead, I relied on a false sense of confidence to manage high grades. "Confidence" plus stubbornness prevented any effort to study, ask for help, and do my homework properly. I faced my insecurities in 8th grade with Accelerated Geometry. Its difficulty required extra effort yet I convinced myself that my abilities that placed me on a high honors level would be proven in the end. Both 6th grade Pre-Algebra and 7th grade Algebra began as a challenge, but overtime I improved without changing my habits. Mistaking complacency for confidence, I foolishly repeated such for another year; however, it resulted in no improvement thus a low grade. My immature mindset continued sophomore year in Accelerated Pre-Calculus. Believing that I would never succeed in the class, I never worked to my fullest ability. My insecurities focused more on what I couldn't do than what I could do so I gave up.

My goal after failing Accelerated Pre-Calculus was to build real confidence in math my junior year. Beginning at regular Pre-Calculus first semester, I focused on proving my work ethic. I reversed my sophomore year mistakes by applying better habits; I did my homework right away, studied well for quizzes and tests, and used my class time wisely. Approaching my teacher to request advancing to AP Prep was testament of my hard work.

AP Prep Pre-Calculus second semester expanded my open-mindedness toward the subject with its challenges. I progressed by learning how to mature as a student; I became engaged by taking detailed notes, asking my teacher and peers for guidance, and practicing with non-homework problems. Rather than reverting to my previous stubborn attitude, I adjusted thus I improved.

From Accelerated Geometry and Accelerated Pre-Calculus, I've realized that complacency kills. As I was so confident in my skills, I was unaware of my problem areas before it was too late and acceptance and laziness came as a result. With regular and AP Prep Pre-Calculus, I learned from my mistakes by adapting. Looking at everything I couldn't easily do as encouragement, I experimented with and implemented various studying skills. Though it's a subject that will always challenge me, I approach not only math, but all classes, with determination to succeed; not with high grades, but with insights to apply later.
kerry2654   
Dec 19, 2015
Scholarship / Meaningful activities / Study plan - SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY FOR YAKE UNIVERSITY [2]

All of these essays seem like free write lists to the prompt. Try to structure it in paragraph form so they'll flow better.

ACTIVITIES THAT WAS MOST MEANINGFUL TO YOU
- introduce the fact that you're a tutor and what you do then expand what it means to you - how does it benefit you as a person? what do you get out of it?

WHAT DO YOU PLAN TO STUDY AT YAKE UNIVERSITY? WHAT CAREER ARE YOU PURSING AT THIS POINT AND WHY?
- introduce your background in math then connect that to the major at Yake and what career you'd pursue
kerry2654   
Dec 19, 2015
Scholarship / My English classes. Subjects I've Excelled in - Gates Millennium [5]

Gates Millennium Scholarship
Word Count: 232

Discuss the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. To what factors do you attribute your success? (1000 words)

Actions speak louder than words. However, for me now, it's opposite. Through my English classes, words have given me the opportunity to grow. I wasn't always this fond of English because of its difficulty but that was a reason for my growth. My freshman year, the constant stress of writing annoyed me. Writing a paper was ž staring at the prompt trying to figure out what to talk about and ź writing only to redo it again and again. The constant mediocre papers frustrated me as I couldn't figure out how to grow as a writer. I learned that year how to be engaged and listen to my teacher and use them for guidance. Sophomore year, however, I changed. I learned what to get out of English classes to progress: practice. Every paper I learned from my mistakes and experimented by straying from my basic format. Though I still spent hours staring at a prompt, I became confident with my writing abilities. Junior year, with English being my only weighted class first semester, I felt pressured to excel in it. With the intimidation of my first essay prompt, I knew it was going to be a long year. The class was challenging so I adapted to the class with each successive essay. I combined my newly acquired skills of being engaged and practiced applying my skill and therefore grew as a writer.
kerry2654   
Dec 23, 2015
Undergraduate / Public relations in the music industry, entertainment leaders, work experience - Why Syracuse essay [11]

Syracuse University Supplement 1
Word Count: 250

Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University? (250 words)

As an aspiring entertainment publicist, I want an entertainment media program that offers interdisciplinary studies for public relations and the music industry. I've developed basic promotion skills as a Student Relations member for my school's newspaper and I plan to expand and connect them with the music industry. Courses such as Music Industry and the Media (MUI 305) and Social Media for the Music Business (RAE 404) would provide me knowledge in effective music promotion and its application in the evolving media industry.

I also want a program that presents a realistic perspective of the music industry. I've acquired understanding of the entertainment industry as an avid fan of musical artists; however, much of that is possible fantasy. Visits from executives for Music Industry Forum and Soyars Leadership Lecture Series (MUI 310) would provide me insight on how the music industry truly functions while addressing any speculations I have.

I want a program that encourages entertainment industry work experience. In January, I will intern at a local online publication and I plan to continue media experience, specializing in entertainment, in college. Offerings such as Music and Entertainment Industry Student Association, Entertainment Industry Practicum (RAE 408), semesters in Los Angeles and London, and University Union would prepare me for my future in public relations by giving me hands-on experiences.

My desired college program emphasizes on public relations in the music industry, input from entertainment industry leaders, and excessive work experience. Thus, I was attracted to Syracuse University for the Bandier Program.
kerry2654   
Dec 29, 2015
Undergraduate / MY WHOLEHEARTED RESPONSE - WHY DAVIDSON? COLLEGE ESSAY [3]

With a Why Us? essay, it's better to match your wants in a college to what the school offers. You attempt this with small class sizes, student organizations, study abroad programs, yet it sounds like I'm reading the college's website. What student organizations are you interested in? What about the leadership you concluded with? What are leadership experiences you want to do? Why do you want to study abroad and specifically where? You mention the neuroscience and computer science programs, why is it good that they're interdisciplinary? I say be more specific with your wants.
kerry2654   
Dec 29, 2015
Undergraduate / Defining of happiness - GW Supplement: "experiences outside the classroom correlates with success" [3]

Nearly two years ago I sat in a room with fifteen other teenagers at a youth conference. We went around the room and shared what we wanted to do with our lives and where we saw ourselves in twenty years. Feeling confident about my plans, I stood up first and shared that I wanted to go to law school to become a lawyer. The boy next to me wanted to become an engineer and the girl next to him a doctor. Each student took their turn and shared his or her aspirations and goals.

After the last person finished, the counselor stood up and pointed out that not one of us had said that happiness was a goal for their life . I began to imagine my life as a lawyer and quickly realized that I had no passion for law. Although I could potentially make plenty of money, I could never truly be happy as a lawyer. How could I have crafted this elaborate plan for my life without once considering my happiness?

It was at this moment that I realized that success is not defined by how much money you make, but rather, whether or not you pursued your passion. I had nearly made the mistake of sacrificing my happiness for a false ideal of success. From this simple activity I learned that true success has no correlation to monetary value, true success is the ability to reminisce over your life without regrets. Success is to be happy.

What is your career goal now? I say address the first option the previous answer gave.
kerry2654   
Dec 29, 2015
Undergraduate / Common App (Background): "I finally woke up after hitting the snooze button..." [5]

I finally woke up afterH itting the snooze button for the third time, groggilyI walked to the dresser, grabbed random pieces of clothing,and dressed rather haphazardly, and. I slumped down at the kitchen ...

My pace quickened as I checked the clock; I brushed my teeth, tossed the homework into my backpack, and packed lunch, hollered.

"Ikuyo!"-"let's go!"-I hollered to my sister, andto go as I raced to the car. It was the typical Saturday morning routine.; as I let out a sigh of relief, the car began on its usual journey.

I gazed out of the car window, seeing the scenery changing from the familiar ...
The sky painted its dark blue canvas into a soft red,with the side mirror deflecting its vibrant rays. I felt nothing special, though; after all,since I watched the same sunrise from the same car window on my way to Hoshuko-San Francisco Japanese School- every Saturday for 11 years.

[...] I wanted to participate in more school events, sports, and extracurriculars. At the end, though,However , I never regretted making the choice ...

... I created over the years of Hoshuko;. M y classmates, who ...
... quit Hoshuko and bade farewell;. M y teachers, who made efforts to ...
... try my best even at the worst of times;. T he cultural festival, ...
... exhilarating satisfaction with my class;. A nd finally, the school trip ...

I liked the essay but do you have any specific memories or stories from Hoshuko? That'll be nice to tell.
kerry2654   
Dec 29, 2015
Undergraduate / Past Shaped World View/ Plans at AU expand it [4]

American University Supplement
Word Count: 92

How has your past shaped your world view and what will you plan to do at AU to expand it? (100 words)

Living as an unconventional Congolese daughter and Black-American female, I felt confined by stereotypes. Though they insulted me, through bias, I subconsciously began restricting others with labels. By becoming aware of social justice, I rejected stereotypes and embraced my and others' individualities.

My plan during my undergraduate years at American University is to implement programs on campus that recognize and project marginalized groups' opinions and beliefs. I will do so by participating in The Darkening. I know the experience of exclusion so I plan to promote acceptance and inclusion at American University.
kerry2654   
Dec 29, 2015
Undergraduate / Public relations in the music industry, entertainment leaders, work experience - Why Syracuse essay [11]

Syracuse University Supplement 1
Word Count: 206

Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University? (250 words)

[...]
Accompanied by Syracuse's renowned S.I Newhouse School of Public Communications, I'm assured that my communication skills are developed thoroughly. Also, the Bandier Program's recognition aids in networking and interning. Though courses will expand my knowledge, hands-on experiences present a more realistic perspective of music communications. Offerings such as potential internships required for Entertainment Industry Practicum (RAE 408) and semesters in Los Angeles and London show the potential environment of my work after graduation
kerry2654   
Dec 30, 2015
Undergraduate / 'Go-to person//close confidant'--GW Supplement [8]

Honest, positive, and authentic are just some words that I immediately think of about my best friend Adi.

When we were co-Junior Advisors in the same dorm ...
This is confusing, what do you mean?

She always helps me take a step back and look at the situation from the outside looking in .
kerry2654   
Dec 31, 2015
Undergraduate / I want to become the best version of myself. Dream Person/ How can Syracuse help? [2]

This is just a start but the direction I want to go in is how Syracuse's community would help me express myself better.

Syracuse University Supplement 2
Word Count: 169

Who is the person you dream of becoming and how do you believe Syracuse University can help you achieve this? (250 words)

I want to become the best version of myself. Someone who is fearless. Someone who takes advantage of every opportunity. Someone who ventures outside of their comfort zone. In high school, I limited myself by focusing too much on my personal and academic regrets. How I should've never gained so much weight. How I should've learned how to drive earlier. How I should've dressed better. How I should've never failed a class. How I should've taken AP classes junior year. How I should've gotten at least a 30 on the ACT. I never grew by holding myself back and living in the past.

Now, I plan to move forward at Syracuse University. Initially I assumed that a large university wasn't the best for my reserved personality; however, I realized college life is what you make of it. With Syracuse University's various activities and especially as an aspiring music communications major, social interaction is inevitable. Syracuse's lively community aims to involve everyone so I shouldn't be afraid to expand myself.
kerry2654   
Dec 31, 2015
Undergraduate / Public relations in the music industry, entertainment leaders, work experience - Why Syracuse essay [11]

Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University? (250 words)

As an aspiring entertainment publicist, I researched the top schools for communications my junior year. I knew I needed a broad communications degree then work experience to prepare for my future career. However, I hoped for a entertainment media concentration. It would eliminate the need for supplementary entertainment-based electives so I could immediately immerse myself in my field. More research led me to become attracted to Syracuse University for its Bandier Program that specializes in communications in the music industry. As my ultimate aspiration is becoming a public relations executive for a record label, the Bandier program matches my exact career goals.

I was initially engaged by the Bandier Program as it emphasizes a challenging curriculum and a prestigious name. An intense, high quality education secures the effectiveness of my future expertise. Accompanied by Syracuse's renowned S.I Newhouse School of Public Communications, I'm assured that my communication skills will be developed thoroughly. The Bandier Program will allow me to delve into the world of entertainment media through its internship and networking opportunities. Through the hands-on experiences presented by the Entertainment Industry Practicum (RAE 408) and semesters in Los Angeles and London, I will have the opportunity to graduate armed with expanded knowledge of the industry, and a more realistic perspective of music communications.
kerry2654   
Jan 1, 2016
Undergraduate / "Computer Science in an art" - Cornell CAS Supplement [3]

Computer science is an art. It is as if you are the artist and the computer the canvas, although equipped with such simple tools, the products of Computer science are endless . With the user (?) as the artist and the computer ...

With just the right level of ingenuity, one is able to bends the behaviors of technology in their favor to achieve great feats in programming and beyond. - This sounds like an extension of the 1st paragraph

One aspect of computer science I have come to savor (this sounds weird, why can't you just enjoy or love?) is its multifaceted nature. Without a rigid path of study (without intense schooling? what do yo mean), I have been able to enjoy various fields of study on virtually everything (subjects?) from aeronautics to video game development.

Strewed (sounds off) with research groups centered around everything from Bitcoin mining to medical imaging, the School of Arts and Sciences would offer ... - expand on why exploring multiple interests is important for you

Every computer scientist knows that their most valuable assets are their ability to think creatively and their ability to intertwine that creativity with those of others (collaborate?). In my personal experience, I have found that I reach my creative peak (?) when collaborating with others possessing completely different thought processes.

This essay has a lot of weird wording, it sounds very rigid? I'm not sure how to describe but you give a lot of detail for descriptions yet it lacks some substance.
kerry2654   
Jan 3, 2016
Undergraduate / Intellectual vitality. Does the core of the essay reflect what Stanford is looking for? [6]

... I had no intention of doing anything with it but play flash games and do schoolwork.

And thus I began my foray (venture?) into the computing world. I had everything to gain and nothing to lose from this costless device...
I trawled (?) the Internet in my search, and found an information saturated (sounds weird) world to explore.
In particular, programming intrigued me; it was like teaching ...

I like your essay but you use some words that sound a bit weird then again I don't know how you speak
kerry2654   
Jan 3, 2016
Undergraduate / 'I saw a future for me at Boston University' - College of Communications - Why BU? [2]

I want to speak about the tour for my first paragraph and I know it sounds awkward. What can I say to make it better?

Boston University Supplement
Word Count: 233

In no more than 250 words, please tell us why BU is a good fit for you and what specifically has led you to apply for admission.

Walking through the Boston University campus, I forgot to be the model prospective student. Others asked questions and wrote notes while I stayed quiet. Using reviews and rankings as guidance, I developed my preliminary college list junior year from schools for public relations; Recommendations for Boston University emphasized its College of Communication recognition so I placed it on my pending list. However, I wanted the tour to confirm my decision. Placing myself in my tour guide's accounts, I saw a future for me at Boston University.

I was initially engaged by the College of Communication as it emphasizes a challenging curriculum. An intense, high-quality education secures the effectiveness of my future expertise. The mass communications foundation will ensure my versatility in communications while the public relations specialization will concentrate my communications skills to my desired field. Also, unique to Boston University is their Los Angeles semester with a public relations track. As an aspiring entertainment publicist, I look forward to Entertainment Promotion (COM CM 564) and Entertainment Marketing (COM CM 563); these courses will enhance my understanding of entertainment communications to prepare for my career goals. Furthermore, the College of Communications will allow me to explore the world of public relations through its internship and networking opportunities in PRLab and the semester in Los Angeles. Through the hands-on experiences, I will graduate equipped with expanded knowledge and a more realistic perspective of communications.
kerry2654   
Jan 6, 2016
Undergraduate / Moving from one country to another is a life changing experience [11]

... to experience many new aspects in life; however, moving from ...
Many people immigrate to have a better life, yet some move ...

It was not easy for us ...
... but in the end, God (mentioning religion might be controversial) had better plans for me.

- This paragraph doesn't flow well since you seem to repeat a lot of things.

The biggest difference obstacle that I encountered upon arriving in the ...

Another difference obstacle that I faced was ...
I do not remember talking to any female students throughout my during high school in Pakistan.

- "While American schools are based on co-education which is why I did not have core group of friends during my first year of college." - where is the rest of the sentence?

- how did you assimilate and become more comfortable?

Communicating in English is a crucial ...
... helped me to boost my confidence.

- The sentences sound very awkward. Expand on how your teachers helped. What did you do to boost your confidence?

At the end, people move from one place to another to explore more opportunities (you said this in the first paragraph, reword it), yet it takes a lot of effort and sacrifices to stand firm and make moves (make moves? what are you trying to say?)

- This paragraph sounds awkward as well. What are you trying to say? Also, what is the prompt?

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