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Posts by pcvrz34g
Joined: Sep 19, 2009
Last Post: Oct 30, 2016
Threads: 22
Posts: 117  


Displayed posts: 139 / page 2 of 4
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pcvrz34g   
Nov 18, 2009
Grammar, Usage / Do I need to cite the Bible? [8]

If you're not directly taking quotes out of the Bible, it isn't required that you cite it. However, it would be VERY useful if you do, just in case the reader wants to read the story more thoroughly. I would cite it just because it doesn't hurt to. (:
pcvrz34g   
Nov 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Application letter to Mission College [3]

I say write it exactly as you would write your normal application essays. Your content, however, could be less formal and more personal. It doesn't necessarily have to be, but it could have more contents that show your personality. Did you know people can detect your overall personality just by your handwriting? (:

oh! and please write neat! Preferably a pen (blue/black). Preferably college-ruled.
pcvrz34g   
Nov 17, 2009
Writing Feedback / What are the problems with English Education in Korea? [9]

I read that you go to dong-a university. Hey, it's pretty good for a Korean student to write this. I'm impressed. (: I'm only in 2nd grade level Korean. TT.TT I came to America when I was 7. (:

Considering of speaking problems of Korean students, key to overcoming this might be trying to express your opinion directly and improve your speaking skills by listening very carefully what native speakers say.

You should rather use "To address the problems that many Korean students encounter, they should express opinions directly and listen to Native Americans speak English to achieve higher speaking skills.

"Considering of" doesn't exist. If you say trying to express, then you must use another to verb; thus, you must use "and to improve".
pcvrz34g   
Nov 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Answers -- Marching Band [7]

I say keep the month because I find it pretty creative.
I can't speak for the entire human population (including the college essay readers), but I like it (:

On our way home, on the bus,

Change that to "on the bus on our way home". Much more fluid (:

forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards.

since this is somewhat repetitive, maybe you rather somehow incorporate band commands. Like To-The-Left-Flank-Hut. (can you tell I was in marching band? I did colorguard.) It really shows that you know band specifics and kind of cute :D

But it's totally up to you.

We hold our breaths

there's nothing wrong with that..
pcvrz34g   
Nov 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Short Answers -- Marching Band [7]

on. We hold our breaths

On our way home, on the bus, w

Why are those italicized? Do they have a purpose?

We wake up early -- though school has yet to start -- to go to band camp.

I don't think you should use the dashes. They complicate the sentence. Rather, say: Though school has yet to start, we wake up early to go to band camp.

Afterwards we

Afterwards,

I like the idea; the monthly track of practice is creative. I, however, am not a fan of the repetitive short, simple sentences. I feel like you shouldn't use short, simple sentences until

It is us.

You want the "it is us" to have an impact. To create such an impact, it should be the only short, simple sentence. By using it for other things degrades its power, if you know what I mean.

I like it (:
pcvrz34g   
Nov 17, 2009
Research Papers / Tragic Hero [Research Paper] [6]

1. a character must have certain qualities to be called a "tragic hero". Find the qualities. Discuss how a tragic hero is composed of these qualities. Then introduce Ben Johnson by connecting the qualities to Ben. Ben SHOULD share these tragic-hero-qualities since you're claiming that Ben Johnson is a tragic hero. It's not a compare. More of introducing Ben through the definition of tragic hero... if you get what I mean...

2. I mean a short bio as in define who he is. Use his life to claim that he indeed is a tragic hero.

Any questions? I'm not sure if I explained thoroughly.
pcvrz34g   
Nov 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Emerson supplement short answer life title [3]

Most stories and television shows end with the words to be continued

words 'to be continued'
cool first sentence. caught my attention.

It's amazing how life can surprise you and my life has thrown many hardships in my direction.

feel free to disagree but I don't like how you put "you" and "i" in the same sentence...

When I was younger my little town house caught on fire

when I was younger,

I lost all my belongings and my toys and a couple years later my father had a stroke and lost his job as a professional trumpet player on broadway.

belongings and my toys. Couple years later, my...

For a while I lived my life in fear

For a while,

that anything that can go wrong will.

what's wrong will?

chool and made amazing friends and even though sometimes it seemed like I didn't have everything, I was happy with what I did

cut the sentence after friends. start new sentence with "even though".

It's off to a good start.
You have many comma mistakes here. Let your English teacher read through this and fix those for you. Maybe you can re-cite 'to be continued' at the end to bring it back to what you were talking about in the beginning because I don't see a connection between the two.
pcvrz34g   
Nov 17, 2009
Research Papers / reasearch topic on human resource management [7]

First of all, I hope you know what human resource management is if you're going to write an essay about it.
Second, if you don't, here is the definition from Wiki: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_resource_management

Third, research on specific strategies that corporations/organizations incorporate to achieve the objectives of the business. Different organizations have different approaches, so perhaps you can do your research on how different sectors of organizations utilize different approach. Or you can find an international approach that all organizations should utilize to productively and effectively make their business successful. Hope this helped!

Julia
pcvrz34g   
Nov 17, 2009
Essays / Management essay on sporting organisations [4]

You can start off discussing the importance of a sturdy organizational structure of any kind of sporting organization and the behavior characteristics that all sporting organizations share. Then branch off and state that you are concentrating on IFNA. Use that to introduce the topics you will cover throughout the rest of the essay. Hope this helped! (:
pcvrz34g   
Nov 17, 2009
Writing Feedback / Essay on events that have changed Australia's multicultural society - feedback. [3]

There are many different key events in Australia's history that have helped shape our multicultural society.

^Is that your intro? If so, perhaps, you can elaborate... All you did was, quite frankly, repeat the question asked. Maybe you can start off introducing what multicultural society is and why it is important. You can also add how many countries have influences on each other to make the world it is today.

When it all began in 1949,

you may want to change that to: It all began in 1949 when there was a shortage...

there was a shortage of scientific and engineering skills and knowledge in Australia needed to complete the scheme

You should explain what the Scheme really is. I, not know what a Snowy Mountain Scheme is, have NO clue what the purpose to the scheme was.

A large international recruitment programme was carried out.

I'd add something like "To address this problem" or "To fix this issue". Something of that line to connect to the last sentence.

There were 100,000 people working on the scheme between 1949 and 1974,

Change it to: 100,000 people worked on the scheme between 1949...

Why is Scheme capitalized in some sentences while not in others?
pcvrz34g   
Nov 17, 2009
Essays / Compare and Contrast--Students that pay their own tuition vs. those who do not [5]

perhaps goal orientation? I'm not sure if this is a stereotype, but I've realized that many students who pay themselves through college usually know what they'll become. One reason is because they don't want to waste money paying tuition when they don't even know what they want to study. On the other hand, students whose parents finance the tuition usually take their time, enjoy college/social life, and don't specifically know their major until later years.
pcvrz34g   
Nov 17, 2009
Research Papers / Tragic Hero [Research Paper] [6]

One idea is to start off defining what a tragic hero is. To be a tragic hero, a character must have certain qualities and characteristics. Make a connection between Ben Johnson and tragic hero by identifying these qualities in Ben Johnson. The reader may not know who Ben Johnson is, so you can also give a short bio on Ben Johnson. Avoid going too far in depth with Ben Johnson to have space to elaborate on later paragraphs.

Julia
pcvrz34g   
Nov 17, 2009
Writing Feedback / Forward or first page - A Book I am Writing [18]

wow. i like it a lot. this isn't boring at all. in fact, it doesn't feel 763 words because it went by so fast. I don't have anything bad to say...

Keep posting them! I want to keep reading.
Go work so far. (:
pcvrz34g   
Nov 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / What are the problems with English Education in Korea? [9]

Hello (: Welcome to EssayForum.
I'm Korean too :D ! (:

You have a few grammar problems.

Because not only interested in English, but good at memorizing English words and sentences.

First of all, you don't have a subject in this sentence. The phrase "but also" MUST follow the phrase "not only." It's a rule that many writers don't abide. You should restate this sentence by saying something like: "Throughout middle and high school education courses, I maintained a good grade in English because I am not only interested in English, but I am also good at memorizing words and sentences."

You can take out "English" from "English words and sentences" because it's implied here that you are referring to English words and English sentences. You do not put "a" in front of "middle school and high school" because the object is "courses" and this is a plural. The word "good" is an elementary word because the word "good" has a very vague definition. Find a better word to replace "good" to clarify what you're trying to say.

By the time I entered the mandatory Army service I fortunately had a chance to work with U. S. Army soldiers.

"By the time" means followed by an event that pivots from the previous situation which is not what you're trying to say here. Rather, you should choose "When..." There should be a comma after "service."

After contemplating about my issues, finally I realized that I didn't take English as a language!

"finally" should go after "realized." I don't really understand what you're trying to say. You did take English as a language... This sentence is not clear.

You may want your English teacher to proof read this essay. I can't go through and address every grammatical problem here. If I can help you in any way, let me know. (: Good luck.

Julia
pcvrz34g   
Nov 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / compare between your childhood and right now. [16]

It doesn't really compare your childhood to now...
You just simply state your childhood.
Maybe you can address this in your conclusion because as of now, your conclusion is going nowhere.
pcvrz34g   
Nov 16, 2009
Undergraduate / "I was always the typical shy student" - common app essay [5]

So I remain

So, I...

task at during

can't use both "at" and "during." pick one (:

Championship, to place

erase the comma

I hand off the baton, I become relieved and all the pressure is off of my shoulders.

I would personally chance the first sentence to: "As I hand off the baton..." and combine the last two sentences. Would flow better.

Although length never should matter, bit short for a common app personal essay... I don't want to disappoint you, but there are many essays written about a race/a game/a tournament written by high school athletes. do something to make your essay stand out since the topic is a bit platitude.
pcvrz34g   
Nov 16, 2009
Undergraduate / The Other Children: Columbia University personal statement evaluation? [4]

As I sat down next to my parents on to one of the extravagantly designed yet extremely uncomfortable chairs at the grand table,

...sat down next to my parents on one of the... (you don't need the "to". you sit on a chair. not on to a chair.)

my cousins who smiled back but portrayed signs of apprehension to say anything while the adults were speaking.

a bit confusing... why the use of "but." "But" implies that there is a counterpoint. There seems to be no counterpoint here..

name of the real visionary who, at this moment was being stripped of his accomplishments

who, at this moment, was

without hesitation and yet with total respect

you can't use "and" and "yet" together. pick one (:

It was not common for my folks to see a "naive child", as they called it,

is it still a tradition to call kids like you a "naive child"? if so, it should be "they call it".

The table, which was, moments ago, filled with my grandfather's vivid depictions, went silent, as my relatives focused their pupils on this discrepant teenager.

try to clean that up; that's a whole bunch of commas.

every minute fact

am not a fan of the diction "minute"

of exchange; an exchange

that would be better with a : not ;

amused, and yet

again, you can't use "and" and "yet" together.

overall, pretty good. I know nothing about Indian culture but had no difficulty following the story.
I do think you complicate the story by adding so many commas. Although they aren't making your essay worse, they make the essay a bit difficult to read.

I like it (: Goodjob.
pcvrz34g   
Nov 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / compare between your childhood and right now. [16]

I couldn't stand it any more, so I hit him on his face and broke his tooth. After this incident, no one dared to make fun of me any more. I wish I had done this long ago.

I don't understand that. You did do it, so why do you wish you did it?

Your conclusion doesn't say much... What do you mean "the breadwinner". What is your "destiny"? Do not say "except the one I just mentioned." You never should expect the readers to refer back to the previous things.

I have liked to watch the news since I was a little child.

I liked watching the news since I was a little child.

My tears started rolling on my cheeks. I got shocked, after seeing that picture.

Tears started rolling off my cheeks.
I don't think "shocked" is the right diction here. Look for a better word.

My father was the most important one in my childhood, but he has disappeared from my life.

define "one." The most important person? The most important influence?

I have to protect my brothers from the gangs out there in the streets, and to cover the life expenses;

I had to...

The fourth paragraph ends a little abruptly... You should try to wrap the subject up somehow and make it relate to the conclusion paragraph.
pcvrz34g   
Nov 14, 2009
Faq, Help / Why are some people getting suspended? [45]

Why are some people getting suspended? Not that I have, but I've seen many suspended users here. I just want to avoid being suspended myself and I'm just wondering why they got suspended.
pcvrz34g   
Nov 13, 2009
Undergraduate / UC-'The World I came from' (South-Korean) essay [5]

It doesn't sound like you're bragging at all. Don't worry about that.
I do feel like your first paragraph is a bit whiny. i also
feel like you emphasize too much on the operas themselves than the idea that different cultures and experiences have diversified you.

I am from the world, the literal WORLD.

i know that you're trying to find a good ending sentence and i understand what you're trying to say, but i dont think this sentence is as effective as it could be. think further for something more direct. i mean, aren't we all from the literal world? end it with how you're composed of diversity and that diversity is what you seek.

read my essay for me!

Hey, by the way, I'm Korean too! I moved to U.S. in the middle of my first grade. :D
pcvrz34g   
Nov 13, 2009
Undergraduate / "Economics chose me" - UC Personal Statement Prompt #1 on Economics [5]

this is pretty good. makes you sound pretty legit in the field of economics. good work -pat on the back-
there are some comma mistakes throughout. below are some of them, but there are couple more. be sure to go back and read through.

At the age of 15, I was rather grateful to have landed on a job.
Throughout High School, I have always maintained to carry on a steady and stable job.
On the other hand, this recession evoked a great investment opportunity, flipping real estate.

please read mine
pcvrz34g   
Nov 13, 2009
Undergraduate / "To make others happy", have to shorten by 400 letters/characters. pennstate p.s [15]

Over the summer, I volunteered at a camp called Camp ROBIN, a facility for developmentally challenged children.

This may be being a bit too anal on my part but.. what about changing that to "I volunteered at Camp ROBIN ..." rather than "a camp called..."

It's pretty obvious that camp ROBIN is a camp. haha
pcvrz34g   
Nov 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Art of mind; Nine types of intelligences [4]

this is spatial. i make this clear on the second sentence of the last paragraph. (:
any way i can make it better??

please read mine
pcvrz34g   
Nov 13, 2009
Undergraduate / UC PROMPT #1 - "Average? Maybe not" [7]

operations that could have been deleterious to the fetal me in her womb

maybe "that could have potentially harmed me in her womb"?? it's kind of obvious that if you're in her womb, you're fetal. haha

brought me up very carefully

i suggest using "raised me very carefully."

All I can say is that I am really thankful to music for opening me up to the world from my little house

take out "all i can say is". that is not necessary.

please read mine porfavor (:
pcvrz34g   
Nov 13, 2009
Undergraduate / UC prompt #1- "Growing Up With Cinema" (where my grandmother used to work) [6]

I also remember her buying a suit for me and putting me at the front door so that I might greet people as they came in and open the door for them. I also remember her calling my mother some days and saying that I would need to stay with her at the DKA a bit longer that night because we had some work to do.

you repeated "i also" two times.. i just thought you should know because i'm a big believer in that phrases should never be repeated unless they have a clear purpose.

I, therefore, always completed the task with utmost caution and actually checked my work before giving it to my grandma. She would always trust my addition and I, therefore, felt that my position and work at the DKA was important;

here again, you repeated "i, therefore". Sorry if i'm being anal but i have a HUGE pet peeve over this, as you can tell. feel free to ignore this comment if you feel that this is pointless. i just simply wanted to let you know :D

i feel like some of your senteces were really long and could be shorten.
for example:

At four years old I looked forward to those mornings because as soon as my mother left me with my grandma for the day, so she could go to work, I had a vast empty theater as my playground.

that sentence is so packed with info. re-read your essay and see if you can make some complicated sentences more concise by either dividing the sentence or shortening it. (:

overall, really good though! goodluck!
pcvrz34g   
Nov 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Art of mind; Nine types of intelligences [4]

Psychologist Howard Gardner has identified nine types of intelligences: linguistic, logical-mathematical, interpersonal, intrapersonal, musical, spatial, bodily-kinesthethic, naturalist, and existential. Choose one that you identify with and discuss a few personal experiences that show your strength and/or weakness in this area of intelligence. Please limit your response to 500 words.

I sincerely thought I exceeded the average artistic abilities of my age group in fifth grade. Little did I know I was artistically challenged until my art teacher insisted that I quit art classes because my mother's money was going down the drain. Ever since this dream-crushing, discouraging, heartbreaking teacher revealed the truth of my abilities, I vowed to never hold a paintbrush in my hand and to never study a bowl of fruits. It was then that I had an epiphany: I found art all too simple. Art is a one-dimensional approach in every way. An artist can only recreate such a bowl of grapes reflecting only one light through one perspective on a flat canvas in hopes of magically generating a three dimensional perspective with multiple lightings all in an allusion of presenting this bowl three dimensionally. I redirected my creativity from one of a physical visual on a limited canvas to another of a mental design on a vacuum of infinity. I discovered a significant interest in (and ultimately a habit of) mentally constructing three dimensional compositions out of simple, everyday concepts and behaviors.

I insert my clinking key into the ignition of the car and begin to mentally sketch a map from point A to point B. First, I model the house, replicating its every design and selecting the precise hues of color. I then outline my driveway out of the neighborhood and onto the highway. As I move farther out from my initial position, I can feel the road exponentially augmenting in width. When the road becomes wide enough at some point, I can freely adjust my vision to any degree that I feel is most competent to mentally lead me to my destination. I trace familiar roads from the perspective of a passenger looking out onto the street from the front window glass. When anticipating a right or left turn, I scribble the road from a perpendicular angle as if I were a pedestrian staring across the roadway. When coursing through a less familiar street, I zoom out from bird's eye view to study my relative location, verifying that I'm not deviating from the direction of my destination. The magnitude of my zoom application is very flexible. I can soar just barely over the rooftops or hover over the entire country from the stratosphere. Such is my imaginary road trip with only a simple glance at my destination on Mapquest.

While art is an in-depth concentration of one specific perspective, I prefer studying a subject through multiple perspectives and then logically reasoning the best perspective to approach the certain situation. On a greater scale, this spatial, multi-perspective capability has enabled me to develop resilience, like a willow tree, like water, like a field of grass swaying in the wind. My capacity to adapt and embrace all that life brings has allowed me to savor the taste of every valued experience.

word count: 486 words
pcvrz34g   
Nov 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Question about Umich's Diversity.. Modern Art [10]

you can definately write about an incident that made you realize the importance of diversity such as... you visited your best friend's house and learned to appreciate his culture.

please read mine: (click on my profile to check my threads)
pcvrz34g   
Nov 3, 2009
Undergraduate / our legal justice system is faulty!! [13]

EF Kevin, the link didn't work ): what's the title? i'd love to read it before submitting this!

andd do you think it's too informational/research like as others said?
pcvrz34g   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / personal essay. uc. a move changed everything or almost. [15]

well, i'd advise you to first decide what your dream/asperation is going to be for this essay because that should be the main point. focus it down narrowly so your essay isn't so scattered. then decide what your school environment that influenced or caused that dream/asperation is going to be. this would make your essay really straightforward and easy to grasp.
pcvrz34g   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / personal essay. uc. a move changed everything or almost. [15]

><
try to connect the comp eng. with school more. anything else that has nothing to do with the connection, take it out because they delineate from the subject.

it's getting there. YOU CAN DO IT! :D
pcvrz34g   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / our legal justice system is faulty!! [13]

you're right but..i'm not a lawyer. hahahaaa. i can't really say how i'll approach it or what i'll exactly do because i don't know law inside out. (i wish i did..) ):

i thought writing the essay in a format of 1. reasoning for study 2. study and approach 3. example of such an accomplishment would suffice the essay.. :P

how can i fix it?
pcvrz34g   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / The Lifetime Challenge within Me - Common App Main Essay [7]

okay. first, stop thinking that your essay is bad. it's not as bad as you say it is, so be happy and be optimistic about your paper!

intro is fine. first sentence is fine. it's not the catchy-est thing on earth, but it'll do.

As I make way for students to overtake me every morning, some of them haltingly ask the one quizzical question that I have difficulty answering, "Why do you walk like that?"

that's awkward. idk if its the wording or the tenses or the diction, but it's somehow weird.

you used "vexing" twice. I have a petpeeve about people who use the same adjective twice in a paper. >< Just... in case you didn't know. haha.

And according to my rheumatologist, that was the odds of a person getting juvenile rheumatoid arthritis - 1 in a 1000, and that spinner just happened to point towards me, how fortunate.

what youre trying to say is good but you need to rephrase.

But wait, I did win a physical education award in spite of having arthritis!

uh.. that sentence is kind of outthere.. take it out. it's a bit... contradictory to the rest of the essay's tone.

please read mine
pcvrz34g   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / our legal justice system is faulty!! [13]

a close inspection at the pattern of legal actions taken in courtrooms prove

it's suppose to be proves
please ignore this grammar mistake. haha
pcvrz34g   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / personal essay. uc. a move changed everything or almost. [15]

Feel free to disagree with me but.. I see no significant connection between the school you went to and the school stuff that happened to you and the passtion for computer engineering...

Your school stuff didn't necessarily shape your passion for computer engineering... did it? If it did, I don't think you clearly portrayed that through your essay. The whole idea just seems choppy to me.

Please read mine:
pcvrz34g   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / I can remember song lyrics, quote megabytes of baseball statistics but forget basic math formulae [2]

How am I able to remember the song lyrics, quote megabytes of baseball statistics while struggling to remember basic math formulae? Motivated by this curiosity, I opted to get involved in various exploratory research projects on the brain.

How am I able to remember the song lyrics and quote megabytes of baseball statistics while struggling to remember a basic math formula? Motivated by this curiosity, I opt to get involved blahblahblah.

Please read mine (see my profile)
pcvrz34g   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / CommonApp - Personal Essay - Topic of Your Choice - "Believing is Achieving" [3]

The whistle blows, the crowd is cheering, and the coaches screaming.

no, no, no, no, no. this is basic grammar!! you need parallelism in your verbs. The whistle blows , the crowd cheers , and the coaches scream . or the whistle is blowing , the crowd is cheering , and the coaches are screaming .

For a personal statement, it's a bit short and doesn't say a whole lot about you.. It's mostly just about why you play lacrosse. Maybe bring it up a step higher.

Please read mine:
pcvrz34g   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "engendered a love for fashion" - stanford roommate essay [10]

HAHA I like this actually, but definately you should make some changes.
I disagree with h4ppidais in that the whole When someone says to describe myself in 1800 characters, I think why am I wasting space by writing an intro? So, instead of citing off activities on my resume surrounded by lavish adjectives in sentences, I concocted a sparknotes version of me that would provide pragmatic when forced to share four walls together. should stay. BUT! I do see where h4ppidais is coming from, and I think you can address this problem by making this a bit more short and concise since it is, like h4ppidais said, pretty obvious that it's not an intro. By pointing out that youre not going to write an intro says that you're doing something more unique which is good!

While chocolate is a woman's best friend, it is my taste buds' worst enemy.

It seems like from the chocolate sentence and beyond, you begin listing. If that's what you were shooting for, stay with it. It gives it a short of characteristic rambling tone which is humorous. If that wasn't what you were shooting for at all, then make it flow somehow (although it might be a bit difficult).

Please read mine!:
pcvrz34g   
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / 'little delicate bells ringing' - Stanford - the Intellectual Engaging essay [6]

Music is definately something intellectually engaging. I disagree with mcdy143 in that it is addressed clearly. To question is to be intellectually intrigued, isn't it? :D

I love it so much that I almost envy it.

P.S.: Is it ok if it's that short? Just make sure your word/character count is ok. Other than that, I LOVE IT!.

Please read mine:

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