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Posts by twizzlestraw
Joined: Oct 26, 2009
Last Post: Jan 27, 2012
Threads: 12
Posts: 81  

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twizzlestraw   
Jan 27, 2012
Scholarship / 'there are going to be tough times in life' -Internship Essay [3]

PROMPT: At Stanford we are committed to increasing the diversity (broadly defined) of students pursuing PhDs in science and engineering. Please describe how your interests and background (in terms of culture, race, gender, ethnicity, work and life experiences) would contribute to that diversity.

The day my foot slipped in quicksand and my world lost its ground I was just a sophomore in high school. I walked into my house to find my mother standing against the living room counter. I could tell she was upset, but there was something else in her eyes, unfamiliar and yet more disturbing - she looked lost. In a haste of empathy, I approached her extending my arms, but the embrace was not what I expected. Once my mother had her arms around me she began crying. She pressed her weight against mine and completely broke down. Later, I found out that that day my mom lost her job, the mortgage was due and she had no idea where she was going to get it from.

It hurt me to see her so sad, but more than it hurt it scared me. My mom raised us as a single mother. My father left Kansas when I was about seven years old. He would call occasionally, but he was always elusive about his whereabouts and had this magic trick never being available whenever we needed financial support. Despite all of this, I never saw her hopeless. Things would go wrong and without hesitation she would simply pick up, make due, and keep moving forward. Alone, unsupported, struggling, she remained our rock.

I on the other hand, buckled under the stress from all the changes at home. My mom couldn't find another job and we eventually lost our house. My grades started slipping and I withdrew socially from my friends and teachers, hoping no one would inquire about what was going on at home. I felt guilty because I was not as strong as my mother, but at the same time I felt justified because she had been weak before too.

When my behavior became too evident not to notice, my mother confronted me about it. One day she picked me up from school and began driving me home in silence. Then out of nowhere she pulled over into an empty parking lot, turned off the car, paused, and then turned to face me. For a moment, I got a glimpse of something in her eyes and I braced myself for another break down. However, I soon realized that the emotion in her eyes was guilt and when she commenced to ask me, almost pleadingly, what was going on.

I did not understand why I was having such a hard time dealing with everything, so I offered her the only explanation I could think of:

"I'm just weaker than you are" I said.

The guilt melted away from her eyes and was replaced with hardness, reminiscent of the strength I had grown to expect from my mother, she told me,

"XXXXXXX, everyone has a story, but no one has an excuse." She turned from me started the car and began driving away again in silence.

From that day forward, I realized something about my mom. I had always thought that she was so strong, but I was wrong. I realized that my mom could keep going because she never let what was going on in her life overcome her. She understood that circumstances in life do not define who you are or what you are capable.

My diversity stems from the fact that I have a mother who taught me that there are going to be tough times in life, but you have to keep going, mainly because you can. In any career that I choose I know this lesson will always reign true, but particularly in a field where even Albert Einstein admitted, "if we knew what we were doing, it wouldn't be called research." My experiences in life have equipped me with the tools to never give up, and as medical researcher, that's exactly what I plan to do.

ITS A LITTLE TOO LONG - Does anyone have suggestions on what to cut??

THANKS!
twizzlestraw   
Jan 9, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The voice of the jury' - Dancing - Personal Statement [4]

Its cool that you did ballroom dancing in high school. The problem is this essay doesn't really say much about you, which is not good. You're common app essay is really your chance to convey to admissions officers who you reallly are. Also, in general you don't have a clear message in the essay and its not really true to the prompt. Are you saying that you bring diversity because of your unique interest in dance? Or are you saying that dance taught you unique lessons that would allow you to contribute to diversity at a college? If you don't want to talk about the prompt, just select topic of your choice. In terms of your message, like I said its not really clear. You're just telling a story, but at the end I'm still left wondering who you are, and what this experience really taught you. I see what you did at the end about appreciating the little things, but that message is kind of too little too late. Emphasize that message more, and keep it strong throughout the paper. Overall, I liked it. My comments are just food for thought.

PLEASEEE help me with mine? :)

twizzlestraw   
Jan 9, 2012
Undergraduate / "Finding the Truth" - Georgetown Supplement help? [3]

The main problem I have with your essay is that you do not define truth. You kind of make the definition of truth a mystery in the introduction, but then the examples you provide are so specific that you really need a definition. The other thing is throwing in theatre at the end of your essay came off as random and distracting from your overall message. If you're going to talk about theatre mention it in your introduction, otherwise, I would take it out all together. Overall, I like the topic, but it could be more powerful.

PLEASEEE help me with mine? :)
twizzlestraw   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'a law to The Ministry of Magic' - Tufts Supplement [4]

I really like the introduction. The middle begins to sound a bit book reportish. One of the things a dean of admissions at my college always says is that the admissions essay is their chance to really get to know the applicant, and she says its a shame to read an entire essay and learn nothing about the person. This essay is creative, but it doesn't say anything about you, you don't even share your personal opinion of love. Perhaps, you could go into a time when this definition helped you overcome understand something in your life. However, this is just a supplemental paper, and it does show that you are creative. If you feel you common app essay really tells a lot about you as an individual. Don't sweat it. I liked it overall.

Please read mine :)
twizzlestraw   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'My mother is a vivid example' - CommonApp: Significant person [5]

To spice up your intro you can start with a quote or begin with a story that illustrates your mothers hardships.

Apart from having to grapple with horrendous famine that occurred frequently, my mother also bore the responsibility of taking care of her younger siblings. But with unflagging effort, she reached her goals and became the first woman in her village to successfully enroll in the Medical University.

I think this sentence would be more powerful without "horrendous". Famine is innately horrendous, and too many adjectives in one sentence is distracting from the main point.

Nonetheless, it was not until three years ago that I fully realized my mother's strong will. At that time, I was preparing for the Provincial physics contest. I never had much confidence in my capacity. To me, it seemed like the other candidates were all smarter. The sense of inferiority just beat me right from the very start. I was so daunted and was about to give in. Two weeks before the contest, my father had a car accident.

These are all really short sentences, combine two, or make one longer to add more variety.

Despite carrying all the burdens on her shoulders, my mother never complained. Even seemingly to collapse at any instance, my mother kept her strong will.

What burdens? The funeral arrangements or taking care of the family? I think it would be nice to be a tad more specific. And the beginning of the second sentence is confusing.

She kept telling me that everything would be all right. It was her determination that transformed me completely, made me realize that I was capable of doing much better.

Be a little more detailed about your epiphany. Like "I realized that if she could keep going in the face of everything that happened, why couldn't I?" Also, you talked about having an inferiority complex, but now you're saying your mothers determination inspired you. They are not the same thing so you need to make the connection clear. Perhaps if you talk about how you were determined to overcome your inferiority complex? Or something like that. It just doesn't make sense to me to say I felt inferior but then I became determined, and now I don't have those feelings.

Being inspired by my mother's unswerving and dedication to people less fortunate than herself, I personally feel that I must do something Iin return for her sacrifice and expectation.

It sounds like you wanted to return the favor to your mother, so there's not a natural transition to "the world".

I dream to be a prominent physicist, using all my power to create many useful inventions that help to deliver food to the poor in any far-flung and secluded corners of this world. Yes, that might seem to be a quixotic and grandiose hope. But my mother has shown me: people would accomplish many great things if we do not consider them impossible.

To me, the word prominent implies that you want to be a rich and well-known physicist, but not necessarily humanitarian with your life's work.

I hope this helps! Please read mine :)
twizzlestraw   
Jan 5, 2012
Undergraduate / 'clinical research facilities' - Personal Statement [4]

Its been a while since I've written a personal statement! This is just a general one for the professors writing my letters of recommendation. This summer I am applying to several summer internships. I may reuse a tweaked version of this if I can get it to be a better. Be brutally honest :)

Also, Let me know if you need the favor returned!

Her name was June. She was adorned in every color in the rainbow, her hair was big, and her earrings were bold. It didn't take me long to realize that this woman was full of life. Every sentence she spoke was succeeded by a large smile, the type of smile that you couldn't help but replicate when you saw. So I sat there smiling stupidly, as my mentor at Professional Research Network of Kansas (PRN) began to ask June about how the recent medication was helping her cervical radiculopathy.

Prior to interning at PRN, my impression of clinical research facilities was heavily smeared by commercials that advertised, "do you have high blood pressure, do you need extra money?" I felt that they were little more than dark places where people injected themselves full of various drugs, subjecting themselves to harmful side-effects, all just to make an extra buck.

However, that day June began to explain how the medication was interfering with her sleeping, but other than that she had found it great relief. She went on to describe how she had thought she had tried everything, but to no avail. One day, her doctor recommended her to PRN, and this medication was the first time she'd found something that helped the pain since she'd been diagnosed with the disease many years ago. My sleezy initial impression of clinical research melted away and was replaced with an understanding of how it was a vitally important these farcicalities were, not just getting new drugs out on the market, but for providing alternatives for people who need the relief, but may have run out of options.

My internship with Professional Research Network of Kansas did not afford me the opportunity to conduct experiments of my own accord, but it taught me a true lesson about the field of medical research. My understanding of the importance of research developed beyond a mere intellectual appreciation for the field and I began to understand how research touches humanity.

Volunteering as EMT-B this past summer, I saw many people who reminded me of June. They did not all bear the same audacious fashion sense, but like June, their lives were interrupted by the physical and emotional pain of illness. Sitting in the back of the ambulance watching them cry out, knowing that aside from assuring their IV was in place and asking them for the medical history, there was not much I could do for them, made me more aware of my limitations as a professional and as an individual than I think anything I've ever experienced. I want to pursue a career in research, because my experience has shown me that that is a way to remove those limits and truly help people.

Each of these summer programs offers the opportunity to work with re-known professionals, furthermore many offer extensive mentorship from on how to conduct research, present it, and apply to graduate school. This summer, I hope to improve my analytical, critical thinking, and problem solving skills. I'm ready to learn how to ask relevant scientific questions and seek answers to those questions. My research this summer may not be groundbreaking, but I am eager to contribute to a bank of past and present scientific knowledge. Knowledge that provides aid every day to women like June, to people who have tried everything but still have no relief for their pain. This summer I'd like to help eliminate limitations.
twizzlestraw   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / 'encouraged to study sciences' - Cornell Supplement..CALS [3]

I like how you say you didn't have the heart to be a doctor. I think that's a very powerful thing, but you don't really touch on what it means to not have the heart to be a doctor. It would be nice if you developed that just a tad more. Then after you've gone into your passion for economics, explicitly state why you have a heart for economics but not medcine. This can be at the end of your essay and you can use it to tie your intro to your conclusion, which you definitely need to do.

Hope that helps! Goodluck. I like the paper overall :)
twizzlestraw   
Jan 2, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I will go with my stubbornness' - Upenn Intoduce Yourself [9]

I like the idea. Its cute, but I feel like its a little underdeveloped. I agree with blackjack, you need to say something unique about yourself. Its almost like your describing an idealized person: "I love smiling, I love helping, I am passionate about everything I do, life is great because I make it that way". Which is all good and fine, but who wouldn't say that about themselves? Your responses make your unique idea ultimately cliche. Why don't you dig a little deeper with the last response and ask: what inspires you? why are you here? why are you applying? what is it that you want to accomplish at PENN? Show admissions officers the passion you claim you have..
twizzlestraw   
Jan 19, 2010
Undergraduate / UNC Essay The Team That Drives Fantasy Football [4]

Well I like this one better, it was easier to follow.

Few things:
1) Your intro still confuses me on who exactly is speaking - but could just be me I guess.
2) That's their identity. What is "that"? Do you mean: The team is their identity.
3) I think your mention of "19" in your conclusion is a bit confusing. "Those other 19..." what exactly??? Haha, coulld just be me, are you referring to the real NFL in this sentence?

4) I only understod your mention of "19 monsters" becasue I read your other essay.
5) Haha, that last bit is just tacked on there. If you're going to randomly tie your essay to a real life situation - I would do something that has to do with a program or curriculum at UNC... Otherwise - just take that out...

Other than that, its much better. Also, I think talking about sports for UNC wasn't a bad strategy! =)
twizzlestraw   
Jan 19, 2010
Undergraduate / What can you contribute to our school (but I have nothing to contribute)? [5]

Wow - you're pretty hard on yourself! =(

But uhm if you can't think of anything good about yourself, ask a friend or family member something that they like about you.

Are you passionate about anything - learning, perhaps? What do you want to do with your lif?

If all that is true, maybe you have a desire to grow as a person... Expand yourself and your intrests...? If that's true, just say that you want to learn from other people's backgrounds and use your unique life experiences to help others grow as well.

Hope that helped!
I am sure you are an amazing person, with many things to contribute - don't be so hard on yourself!
twizzlestraw   
Jan 19, 2010
Undergraduate / UNC - 500 Word Supplement - The Banana Boat [2]

So basically, I am wondering if my conclusion is too preachy/cliche. I just added because I wanted to be closer to 500 words. Shuld I jsut take it out? Thanks for your help! Post links if you want me to read yours. =)

We tend to spend our time doing the things we know we do well--running because we're good runners or painting because we're talented artists. Tell us about a time when you tried something for which you had no talent. How did it go?

The Banana Boat



I can't dance. Whenever I divulge this information to friends or acquaintances, I receive the same inevitable expression. The slight furrow of their brows, the squint in their eyes, and the twist in their lips all intimate their complete confusion. I know what they're thinking - "But you're black!"

It's true, I am an anomaly. A black girl who can't dance is like a tadpole that can't swim. There was a time when this irony embarrassed me. At school dances, whenever the music commenced, I quickly moved to the center of a large crowd in desperate hopes of hiding my awkward movements and lack of rhythm. I understood that stereotyping was silly, but I could not help feeling somewhat inadequate at my inability to live up mine.

Oh you're black, so you can dance right?

It's what many assume, but it could not be farther from the truth. It took sixteen years to grow out of my mortification. I remember that night clearly. It was the winter homecoming dance of my sophomore year. As such, I had faithfully retreated behind a large group of people while I simply rocked back and forth to the music in order to avoid standing out. However, as I danced self-consciously in the midst of my peers, I realized I was not having any fun. I looked around at everyone else, freely dancing without restraint. It was then that I began to understand how ridiculous I was being: by hiding who I was, I was sacrificing much more than I was gaining.

It was not easy. In fact, for the first ten minutes I felt an overwhelming sense of awkwardness. However, with every jerk, on or off the beat, that awkwardness melted away. I am sure people were staring at me in bewilderment, wondering what in the world I was doing. Yet, at that point, it no longer mattered. I was free. I felt bold and proud of who I was and my lack of dancing skills. Interestingly, my inability to perform the popular dance moves, forced me to use creativity to develop my own - including my all time favorites: the airplane rock and the banana boat.

Perhaps it's human nature that cultivates a tendency to boast the qualities I know are good, and hide the ones that typify my shortcomings. However, through my dance experience I learned that I am not just the things I do well, or, thankfully, the things I utterly fail at. Rather both comprise me equally. Now I try not to acknowledge one, without accepting the other, because they make me who I am. I can't dance, but I'm proud of who I am.
twizzlestraw   
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "my favorite class:Organic Chemistry", Why Emory Supplement-Intro and Conclusion [2]

Hey I'll be happy to return the favor, I just want some feedback on whether or not I should keep this approach - the problem with it, is I have already taken up over 150 words with my beginning and ending - and the word limit is 250. =(

Anyway, in my body I was going to mention somethin about my participation in Emory's weekly service activities (tutoring at Toomer Elementary) and my research project for Emory's INSPIRE Program (I'll probably make up some specific research problem) and possibly mention something abot me picking up some trash or something becasue Emory has a really great green reputation.

Any feedback would be awesome - If you want me to edit yours just leave the link!
Thankksss!

PROMPT: Many students decide to apply to Emory University based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons as a possible college choice, why is Emory University a particularly good match for you?

I take a seat in the front row of my favorite class: Organic Chemistry. Professor Weinschenk proceeds to begin his lecture when a limping skeleton followed by an entourage in black enter our classroom and approach him. My classmates and I bustle with excitement. After a few moments, Professor Weinschenk turns to us with a wry smile and sighs: "Class dismissed." Enthusiastic high fives are exchanged as we all simultaneously recite: "thanks Dooley!"

BLAH BLAH BLAH BODY STUFF

As I close my eyes I think about who I have become. A sleepy smile works it way across my lips as I realize that Emory has changed me: I am more conscientious my passions have been ignited and I know that as Emory has changed me, I am ready to change the world. My smile slowly disappears as I fade off into unconsciousness, proudly thinking to myself: this is why Emory.
twizzlestraw   
Jan 10, 2010
Scholarship / Commonapp essay - Encounter a beggar [3]

So overall, I don't think this says enough about you to be your personal statement. If you really want to keep it, I would write a conclusion paragraph where you really detail the affect the old man had on your life (did that lead you to start or join any community service clubs or have an affect on your career path), how this incident really created a sense of compassion in you for less fortunate human beings, has it made you more grateful/appreciative for what you have, what do you want to do now because of this incident - how has it inspired you, etc. Not bad writing - although your wording can be off and a bit verbose at times.

Hope that helped!
Would you mind looking over my carleton supplement?
Thankss!!!
twizzlestraw   
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / Carleton College Short Answer -favorite subject, career, interest, book, teacher [3]

There's a character limit for each, and I am right at the limit for each response. Any comments would be great! Thank youuu!

What is a subject that particularly interests you? why?
"Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva."
The first time I heard a doctor on Discovery Health Channel say this term, I spent the next five minutes committing it to memory. I love medicine. From enlisting in higher level science courses to reading medical encyclopedias for fun, I find myself captivated with the subject, specifically, its incessant advancement. I hope to one day be a part of that.

Do you have a specific career goal or dream? Please Describe
I decided what I wanted to do in life at the age of seven. After countless hospital visits, seeing my aunt weak and suffering, it was clear to me what I had to do: discover a cure for lupus when I grew up. Although my aunt passed away years ago, my dream has not. I have resolved to do whatever it takes to help another victim of this devastating disease, and perhaps another child's Aunt Barbara.

Why are you interested in Carleton College and how did this interest develop?
Two years ago I attended the Carleton Liberal Arts Experience. CLAE's commitment to not merely educate me, but provide what was a life changing experience is the factor I prize most about Carleton. Thus, I look forward to the smell of "cookie dough" as I walk across the campus of my dream school.

From your reading, whether children's books or classics, what books or authors have particularly impressed you and why?
When I was a kid my mom would read me Bible stories. Every night I eagerly anticipated delving into a faraway land with each majestic story. However, one stood out amongst the rest and warranted my repeated request: the story of Joseph. As a child I felt his story was the most inspiring. Not simply because he overcame extreme hardships and eventually rose to prominence, but because he wholeheartedly forgave the ones that incited his adversity.

What secondary school teacher has had a particular influence on you? why?
Mrs. XXX was the first teacher who truly believed in me in and outside of the classroom. She nominated me for the honorary student in English and encouraged me to apply for The Cambridge Tradition.
twizzlestraw   
Jan 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "no single student at Stanford is perfect either" - Stanford's Diversity [4]

I agree, it is a nice hook. However, it seems really tacked on. Especially when you say:

"As I had made a decision that day, for a less than obvious reason, today I decide to apply to Stanford University for a less obvious reason."

I would advise you to state your main point (basically what you say in the conclusion) at the end of your first paragraph or at the beginning of your second. That way your essay has a coherent direction. As opposed to: "Hey I quit smoking" followed by "yay diversity"

I also think that diversity is a very generic reason to apply to a school. Your approach is unique, however, you can find diversity at any number of schools. It would be a good idea to drop the name of a special program (even a program that celebrates diversity) or two that is unique to Standford. This shows that you've done your research and this isn't just another recycled essay.

Good luck!
twizzlestraw   
Jan 6, 2010
Undergraduate / "I can't dance." - BU 3 words that describe you - INTRO [11]

Awe thank you! I actually didn't get a chance to look back at this before I submitted my essay. I spent all day working on my essay - which I unfortuantely feel came out underdeveloped and terribly mediocre lol... But, if you wanted to read it - here it is... I don't mind a bit of critism, I might have to recycle this idea for another college lol!

I am different, bold, and creative. I take pride in the fact that I am different. I am bold in that distinction. That boldness breeds creativity.

I can't dance. Whenever I divulge this information to friends or acquaintances, I receive the same inevitable expressions. The slight borrow of their brows, the squint in their eyes, and the twist in their lips all intimate to me their complete confusion. I know what they're thinking - "But you're black!"

It's true, I am an anomaly. A black girl who can't dance is like a tadpole that can't swim.
There was a time when this irony embarrassed me. At school dances, whenever the music commenced, I quickly moved to the center of a large crowd in desperate hopes of hiding my awkward movements and lack of rhythm. I understood that stereotyping was silly, but I could not help feeling somewhat inadequate at my inability to live up to mine.

Oh you're black, so you can dance right?
It is what many assume, but it could not be farther from the truth.
It took me sixteen years to grow out of this utter chagrin. I remember that night clearly. It was the winter homecoming dance of my sophomore year. As such, I had faithfully retreated behind a large group of people, while I simply rocked back and forth to the music in order to avoid standing out. However, as I danced self-consciously in the midst of my peers, I realized I was not having any fun. I looked around at everyone else, freely dancing without restraint. It was then that I began to understand how ridiculous I was being: by hiding who I was, I was sacrificing much more than I was gaining.

It was not easy. In fact, for the first ten minutes I felt an overwhelming sense of awkwardness. However, with every jerk, on or off the beat, that awkwardness melted away. I am sure people were staring at me in bewilderment, wondering what in the world I was doing. Yet, at that point, it no longer mattered. I was free. I felt bold and proud of who I was and my lack of dancing skills. My inability to perform the popular dance moves, forced me to use my creativity to develop my own (including the airplane rock and the banana boat).

Today, I am proud to represent the exception, the tadpole that can't swim. I realize that without people who are different, life would not be interesting.

I hope to contribute my appreciation for differences to BU. In the BU community I will proudly share my diversity and embrace other "exceptions" as well. I plan to be bold in my distinctions at BU, and use that boldness to develop new and creative ideas that will spread my appreciation of differences to my fellow students.
twizzlestraw   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "I can't dance." - BU 3 words that describe you - INTRO [11]

haha sorry for the confusion everyone!
okay the prompt is:
In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

So where I was going with it is that the three words that describe me are: bold; warm, and free (or maybe another word if i can think of something else that ryhmes with "me" lol)

the reason the "I cant dance" paragraph started out with the portion about the red jacket being "bold" because I was going to discuss how even though I once struggled with my inability to dance - I now boldly snap my fingers and bob my head off beat.. lol

and then the rest of my essay would follow that format...
twizzlestraw   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / BU supplement 3 words= "Alice in Wonderland-ish" [5]

Very Creative!

mention the White rabbit in your second paragraph

"Change: a monosyllabic word that which embeds an abysmal chasm into one's psyche. In Alice's case, change was in "Wonderland". In my case? It was in America."

hmmm - so this beginning makes the reader think youre are going to go into this anecdote about how you struggled with cultural identity - which you don't do (probably a good thing - that topic is pretty overdone). it doesn't really fit and takes away from the cohesiveness of your essay. I think if you just scrap this and tweak the next part, your essay would flow nicely.

Other than that - great job!
twizzlestraw   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "I can't dance." - BU 3 words that describe you - INTRO [11]

Hahaha yeah you're probably right...
I think I could pull it off with enough time, but I'll probably just fix my original one (it was really boring).
Thanks for reading!
Good luck on yours! =)
twizzlestraw   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "my Muslim community" - BU 3 words.. [9]

Yeah so right now, your essay lacks a good flow and any umph...
Maybe make it more anecdotal...
Do you not fit in with the Muslim community - has there been an experience where you felt like you stood out, but instead of conforming you chose to be who you were and somehow that brought about change...???

I would just scrap the last paragraph and use the space to write something more cohesive and meaningful...

hope that helped!
feel free to ask me to clarify or anything...
twizzlestraw   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / "I can't dance." - BU 3 words that describe you - INTRO [11]

Hey everyone! So I know this is probably very silly of me, but I was reading my BU essay and I really didn't like it, so I decided to start over. Anyway, I just want everyone's opinion on whether or not this is a good approach??? Basically my whole essay will be structured like this. I piece from the poem, and then an example of how it describes me... IDK, it might end up being to choppy and like I have too much going on... Please tell me what you think!

THANKSSSS! Post a link and I'll help with yours as well. =)

I hope whenever you think of this red jacket, you think about me,
Because it's bold, warm, and free
It's the most prominent thing in this room.

I hope whenever you think of this red jacket you think about me. Because it's bold. It doesn't care if it stands out.

"I can't dance."
Whenever I divulge this information to a friend or acquaintance, I receive the same mortifying expression. A slight borrow of the fro, the squint in their eyes, and the twist in their lips all intimate to me their evident confusion. I know what they're thinking -

"But you're black!"
twizzlestraw   
Jan 4, 2010
Undergraduate / Starting a Revolution - University of Virginia Supplement Essay [5]

You are a great writer! I do agree with the person earlier - you don't actually answer the prompt. Other than that, I like it!

Could you take a look at mine?
Thanks!

Oh and if you do get a chance... I really need advice on a title - I chose "What's in a dream?" for my Jan 1 deadline.

Thanks again lol.
twizzlestraw   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / My Bitter Days, Common App - Character in Fiction [3]

From the moment Lucy utters these words, we all know what to expect. Despite an initial refusal, Charlie Brown will eventually become persuaded into following through on the offer. But as usual, moments before the kick, Lucy will swiftly snatch the ball away, causing Charlie Brown to fly in the air, screaming, "AAUGH!" before falling with a "WUMP!" on his back. It's the classic prank that the Peanuts comic is perhaps most famous for. As I grew up reading it as a kid, I initially felt inclined to, of course, laugh at the gullibility of Charlie Brown. However, as I grew older and continued to read this comic, I began to notice more admirable qualities in Charlie Brown's character. Qualities that, dare I say, inspired me.

Yes, I managed to become influenced by a child living in a world of comically small pianos and a typewriting beagle. I acknowledge that it seems strange, but it was the uniqueness of this source forof inspiration that gave me the confidence to follow Charlie Brown's example. As I reflected upon his countless attempts to kick the football, I became moved by his strength of character and ultimately, his refusal to give up in this situation. As a role model, he was unique in that instead of teaching me how to succeed, he taught me how to approach failure and adversity in my own situations.

Similar to Charlie Brown's difficulties with kicking a football, I also faced a challenge that involved a seemingly simple task. For a large portion of my high school career, I struggled with the skill of writing, often finding the process to be difficult and frustrating. My troubles showed when I entered my freshman year as it quickly became clear that I was not academically prepared for the curriculum offered at my new school. In addition, my mother and I faced struggles of our own. Shortly before I began high school, we had just moved to a new city. Unfortunately, we found ourselves without a permanent home and sometimes struggled to find a place to live. The combination of attending a new school and our troubles in finding a home overall made it more difficult for me to focus on my studies.

However, I still continued to endeavor towardsweird wording - work towards becoming a better writer. I began by devoting extra time towards practicing the skill and meticulously analyzing assignments in school that involved writing. But when I initially noticed hardly any improvement from my efforts, I felt disheartened. I attempted to keep up my efforts, but my motivation gradually began to fluctuate when I saw little reward Nice job expressing that! . My goals to succeed as a writer, it seemed, were doomed.

At that point I felt as though I could empathize with Charlie Brown. I believed my failed attempts must have felt no different than the "WUMP!" Charlie Brown experiences from falling on his back. However, this connection I realized eventually led to my inspiration. No matter how many times Lucy offered Charlie Brown the football, I could be assured he would make an effort to kick it every time. Seeing these difficulties, similar to the ones I had been facing, approached with such resilience and determination by a cartoon of a little boy pushed me to continue my efforts.

So I did. As I approached my later years of education feeling more determined and confident, I saw my situations beginning to improve. During my junior year, my mother and I finally bought a house, allowing me to dedicate greater focus to my studies. Shortly afterwards, at long last, I finally achieved a significant improvement as a writer. Teachers who previously taught me during freshman or sophomore year began to note an improvement in my writing level. It left me feeling incredibly overjoyed, and as the months went on, I finally began to see the reward for my efforts.

Lucy once sarcastically said to Charlie Brown, "Look at it this way Charlie Brown. These are your bitter days. These are your days of hardship and struggle. But if you'll just hold your head up high and keep on fighting someday you'll triumph!" Ironically,Hmm.. is that ironic? - Maybe interestingly, coincidentally... I believe she accurately described the reasons why I looked up to Charlie Brown. We all face obstacles in our lives, but it is how we approach them that is important. I may have been a late-bloomer when it came to my high school career, but these trying experiences have made me stronger and ready for the years to come.

AWE I really liked this! Creative way to approach the prompt!

Would you mind looking at mine?
twizzlestraw   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / To assist people with problems - Cornell College of Arts and Sciences Supplement [8]

You're essay is not bad!
Although you could really answer the prompt better, more creatively.

Include an anecdote - about a fulfilling experience you had helping someone - really the stuff about your parents is unecessary and a weak example.

Also, clarify your point. Do you want to pursue these fields becasue you want to help people or because they are intresting to you. Its alright if the answer is both, but your essay really needs to be more cohesive.

Look at mine?
Thankss!
twizzlestraw   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Duke?- excellent academics and vibrant community. [6]

Good job gettig rid of the verbosity, flows a lot better now.

Uhm its better but I still feel like something's missing (it could totally just be a personal opinion though!). Is there a club/association that is at Duke you can talk about - that really flows nicely with your topic?

the examples you list are just a bit generic - I think thats my problem with the first have with your essay.

Would you mind looking at my revised Carleton Short answer pleasse! =)
twizzlestraw   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / "Nursing degree" - all they want is a simple response on academic goals? [12]

My grandmother was always in amazementamazed when I had full fledged

... she reassured everyone it was nothing major and ...

Nice essay. But it doesn't really feel very cohesive until the last line. I think you should find someway to say that language and nursing were your passions at the beginning so the reader doesnt feel like youre jusmping around

Thnaks for reading mine!
twizzlestraw   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Duke?- excellent academics and vibrant community. [6]

Always in my life I have pursued challenges aiming for excellenceI have always... or Throughout my life... : that's why I am now knocking ...

Okay your first paragraph could be much stronger. To say you want to attend duke because they are known for their medical program isn't unique or that convincing - make it more personal and specific.
twizzlestraw   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / UPenn page 217 of my autobiography: Strength of Stature [8]

AWE this is good!
I really like it.
The only thing is - it sounds more like a personal statement than p.217 of your autobiography... but it still works so don't sweat it!

Would you mind reading mine?
Thanks

Hope to seee you at Pennn! =)
twizzlestraw   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Supplement - Poem, Summer, Famous New Yorker, and movie [3]

Hi everyone! So I wrote these pretty quikly, but I don't want to turn in crap. Any feedback would be great!!!
Send me links if you need to!
Thankss!

What did you do this summer?
This summer I had the opportunity to pursue two of my passions: medicine and drama. After the first week of summer, I began Forensics boot camp, which entailed eight hour a day practice sessions for two weeks.

Shortly following my participation at the National Tournament, I traveled to Cambridge England for the Cambridge Tradition. Here, amongst a world-renowned faculty and students from over thirty different countries, I studied molecular medicine and drama.

What famous new yorker would you spend a day with and why? what would you do?
"The Color Purple" is one of my favorite films not simply because of the beautifully crafted message but because of he impressive display of acting ability each cast member. For this reason I would love to spend a day with Whoopi

Her landmark performance was not only impressive but inspiring. I hope tto discuss how the role personally affected her life and for her to give me some advice on my own acting abilities.

Write a poem limerick or haiku that describes you
I reach for the can at the top of the shelf,
And yet nothing in being felt.
My hand flaps wildly in this sudden vacancy.
Disappointment surmounts, confusion, anger.
Still I persist,
Insistent that my hand not be left purposeless,
I search and search adamantly.
Until finally, I find.

In the year 2050 a movie is being made about your life - describe the plot.
"Discover Life." The greatest measure of a life is its affect on others. This film details the land marking breakthrough of Nobel laureate Dr. Adrianna Turner, PhD. This masterfully crafted work shares the lives of four of her patients, each receiving experimental treatments for the disease lupus, as they struggle to fight alongside Adrianna to discover a cure, to discover life.
twizzlestraw   
Jan 1, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Common app supplements-- 2050 movie, famous NYorker, poem on me, why NYU? [4]

As one who has hardly set foot into New York City, I miss much of the rich culture flowing underneath the business centers that I have visited with my father. Of all the spectacles in NYC, the one I am most interested in seeing is the unique amalgamation of foreign races and cultures. Jerry Seinfeld, for one, is sure to hit every aspect of foreign culture in NYC right on its head. We would tour the hot dog stands, ride the taxis, and explore the deep culture of NYC, laughing all the way.

This response is a bit off for a number of reasons. First of all the part of your first sentence does not do a good job in relating to/exemplifing the second half of the sentence - I would just scrap it. Then in your sentence about JS you really dont need "for one" - It would also be nice if you explain why you think that and elaborate on what you mean by "is sure to hit every aspect of foreign culture in NYC right on its head"

Other than that I like your response, with the exception of the poem, unfortunately I am not the one to ask for help with such things... Sorry!

Would you mind looking over my amherst supplement?
THANKS!

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