Undergraduate / IUPUI: Personal letter about goals and values- Feedback [3]

The essay is like a donut that is missing the filling. What happened in highschool to lead you to define your values and beliefs? Some corrections adn suggestions made below:



when I left behind that follower attitude I had adopted.
You should express what happened in your first job that made you drop this attitude.




The last paragraphs can be strengthened with specifics (as opposed to self laudatory statements) especially about how you will "take advantage of all the resources that IUPUI has to offer"

Poetry / stair case to no where....5 senses [3]


I get that you cover the 5 senses with what precedes the last two lines. But it leaves me lost:
-Did you mean a loud CROW (black bird)?
-Who can't think or move on? The crow?
-All the staircase does not make sense: "the staircase leads no where" would be more correct.
But then this also is inconclusive (leads no where...)

Undergraduate / How to write statement of purpose?- University of Texas transfer essay A [3]

A statement of purpose is (as the prompt says) an opportunity to address the admission committee directly to let (them) know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and the other application information cannot convey. It's like you are allowed to present yourself (in essay form) on paper instead of face-to-face in an interview.

Your four points of why you want to transfer to UT are strong. What would help is to give background on why Audiology, why math and science, touch upon your passions and finally include some specific classes your want to take or profs that impress you, that you would want to learn from (this means do more research on UT.)

Writing Feedback / THE PROCESS OF FORGIVENESS, BLAME, AND SELF-ACCEPTANCE [3]

Your first sentence does not really link to your central theme or the second sentence.

What are you trying to say here? That it wasn't because of peer pressure that you smoked? "No one can pressure you into doing something you don't want to do, if they use force that's something completely different. That wasn't the case for me though. "

If not and other than for "fun," you don't mention what made you smoke and why you liked it: "No one ever tried to pressure me into smoking, but it seemed like they were having fun, so why shouldn't I. "

I think you can tighten up your writing by eliminating the casual reference to the reader (in red). I was also confused by references to your Great Neck friends vs. school friends as some (eg. your best friend) are also in your school (bolded).

When I was thirteen I started smoking Marijuana, or as it's more popular name, Weed. I was in Eighth grade living in Port Washington, and none of my friends at school smoked. I used to split my weekend between two groups of friends. I would hang out with my friendsone from school (MY GRADE?) Friday night and my another friends from Great Neck on Saturday, or vice versa. My friends from Great Neck WHO were freshman in High School. One of them was my best friend. I've known him all my life, and he always made a point to introduce me to his friends as much as possible, so that I would feel TO MAKE ME comfortable when we all hung out. Once Weed was introduced to him it wasn't long until it became a friend of mine as well. I'll tell you right now, peer pressure is bullshit. No one can pressure you into doing something you don't want to do, if they use force that's something completely different. That wasn't the case for me though. No one ever tried to pressure me into smoking, but it seemed like they were having fun, so why shouldn't I. It wasn't long till it became a regular habit for me and I was smoking every weekend. I never smoked during the school week. I was always scared I'd get caught. I know only on the weekends doesn't sound like a lot these days considering people smoke multiple times everyday, but I assure you, it was enough to change my entire personality.

It would strengthen the essay greatly if you could add an extra sentence at the end of the third paragraph about what made you stop. Was it something your Dad said? Something seemed to click in your mind when you "told them everything."


Not sure this is the reason you quit... It also appears from your last sentences, that your best friend also quit. Did that influence you?

Student Talk / Anyone who has had a Harvard interview has some suggestions/pointers? Yale. [15]

Is this at the school or an alum in your town?
If it is the latter, you might want to ask if the person is interested to read one of your essays as well as get your background c.v. in advance. That will help save time and focus the interview. (If it is at the school, they already have all of this in your app.)

Faq, Help / How do I ask a moderator to read and edit my essay? [11]

Sourav90 and rikacollege91,
I think you misunderstood the title of this thread - and thought that moderators would read your posts. To get their comments, you will need to start a new thread.

In any case, I glanced over your essays and here is my feedback:
Sourav90 - your essay is very much "motherhood" i.e. you praise the school and write correctly. But I am not sure if this is compelling enough or distinguishes you as someone OSU cannot turn away (a have-to-admit.) Add more specifics about what convinced (you) that OSU with it's vast resources and research facilities in the field of finance and an excellent faculty

rika - the meat of your essay is in paragraph 3. You can skip the preface and get into the specifics of what you wanted to do in the uni's

Undergraduate / Marist Supplement- why is marist 4 u? [4]

Still pretty generic. This could have been written by anyone. Why YOU, Naveena?

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins University-Why I Chose Math and Public Health [4]

Kevin gave you very insightful feedback. Did you incorporate it? Let's see the end result.

Graduate / 'I extremely strive to pursue Masters in Financial Mathematics' [11]

Have you already sent in your essay? I just saw that you had no moderator feedback in my Checker program.
The prompt asks for a SHORT biographical statement. You only get to that as of the second paragraph - I don't think you need the first one. I don't think you should mention your uni courses (it is in your transcript. You should specify what was invaluable in your first job at the Marriot.


You don't need to detail the number of interviews for your first job. It is more relevant to talk about what you achieved there i.e. what you succeeded to do in your job


ditto - what pivot point?


You mention your job qualifications and courses (?) you had to pass? But you need to include something on why this particular program interests you (prompt 2.) Also, I don't know what the admissions requirements are but since the prompt asks, you should answer how you fulfill them.

Undergraduate / My roots in Algeria - Barrett Honors College application essay [4]

Your essay didn't tell me what makes YOU diverse - aside from your Algerian background. The only distinctive "life experience" was the daily hardship, the optimistic and positive attitudes you experienced on your trip (and your grandmother's good mood.)

I am sure you could write more about the village you visited, your Algerian relatives and your rich cultural traditions. Finally, don't forget to reflect on and give specific examples of how you will contribute a unique perspective to the community.

Graduate / Admission Essay for Speech Language Pathology-Personal Challange [3]

Other than not "truly" knowing your father, (by "real him," do you mean a non-manic depressive man?) and (the hardships of) coping with him, I don't feel that the examples in your essay does justice to what you went through to substantiate or portray the experience as a personal challenge (what the prompt asked for.) My takeaway was that you had to put up with it the best you could, given the circumstances. This doesn't really qualify as a challenge i.e. you had NO choice.

You don't mention any other family member. Were you alone? If so, you should say so. Write about how you got through school and childhood without a father? What or who gave you courage and encouragement? What or who were you inspired by? A teacher? Did having to grow up by yourself without a strong father figure toughen you?? ... how did you decide to pursue grad school? Did any of these early experiences influence you be interested in speech language pathology?

Undergraduate / Common Sense in the society - common app [4]

Your prompt was very broad - is this an essay on your concept of common sense? You also write that it is for the comm app. As such, I was hoping to read more about what common sense means to you as a person and how you apply it in life (as it relates to applying to university.) Using my common sense, this was the context in which I read your essay.

As such, before getting further into the essay, please confirm if this is the right essay for the comm app. If this is just for essay-writing, then here are general comments:

- the first section of your opening sentence does not make a connection to the second section


Are you confusing common sense with natural physical reflexes or habits?


I was lost in the final paragraph. You posited a question, then provided the answer that "proper morals" could "solve the dispute." You did not define what this meant and ended with statements that seem to defeat the purpose of the essay.

p.s. You are missing some punctuation (hypens, commas and and ' possessives.)

Undergraduate / Essay - Looking back, ten years from now. [5]

One correction and one question:



I am not sure the negation works here.

Graduate / "economic cases from my mum" - Personal Statement for MSF [7]

Most grad university applications ask for your work experience and coursework. As such, it is not necessary to recap it in your SP. But not knowing the specifics of the one you are applying to, this may be necessary if this info does not appear anywhere else.

In any case, this is a PERSONAL statement which to me means, an essay that helps the reader get to know you as a person (as opposed to what you did in school or work.) There is a hint of that in your first paragraph only. Obviously from all your achievements, you are hardworking, driven and ambitious ("to achieve my short-term goal of finding a job in one of the top 500 companies and my long-term goal of being a senior decision-maker in 10 years") - clearly influenced by your family (Raised up in a family made up of professionals, I was vested with the interest and aptitude for business. I was curious about the reasons why these things told by my parents happened, and wanted to find out the way to solve these problems.)

Is there anything else besides background and curiosity that motivates you? Possibly, is it to gain international experience that you are applying to this school?

Undergraduate / What is a GLOBAL CITIZEN? GWU SUPPLEMENT [5]

You write about what global citizen means but what I am missing is what it means to YOU, how you see yourself being one? The prompt says the aim of the GW University Honors Program is to enable its students to become 'active global citizens

That could strengthen your essay and be the missing thread to tie the opening paragraph with the close, as Kevin says, "your thesis sentence, the sentence that tries to capture the central truth of the whole essay."

Undergraduate / UChicago "In chinese, crisis is composed of two characters, danger/opportunity" [9]

Hi Michael,
Didn't want you to feel ignored so hope this counts (from an EF contributor at least...)
I thought the prompt was interesting and your first para strong. I was still engaged after the second para, but as of para 3 and 4, I was worn out by your "telling" vs. "showing." Its fine to talk about tragic circumstances, adversity etc. when there are specifics which are self-evident (i.e. the reader concludes for him/herself how difficult your life was.) But telling the reader how bad it was may not elicit the same sympathetic reaction.

Here are some opportunities for you to be specific (also note corrections in red:)



PLEASE ELABORATE. WHAT LABORIOUS WORK? MORE RESPONSIBILITIES AND BURDEN THAN ANY OTHER ADOLESCENT? (I would avoid using the superlative here as it provokes the reader to react and challenge why your burden is more than any other ado's)


WHY DID IT DIMINISH?? NO LIFE AT HOME OR YOU STOPPED LIVING AT HOME?
Hope this helps you strengthen your essay. Good luck.

Undergraduate / JACKSONVILLE UNIVERSITY: Summarize your present academic & career goals. [12]

Sean,
Thx for giving me this perspective:


Personally, I feel it's more worthwhile to include it in your essay than para 3 & 4. Also, stating your goals upfront makes your essay much more focused: "My interests right now are investing and finance. I don't know exactly where I'll end up professionally 10-30 years down the road. That is why I want to be well educated and earn a degree in business, more than likely an MBA. I plan on establishing the academy and micro businesses from an investors standpoint and selling them. I want to help kids but I don't want a degree in education."

p.s. An essay about YOU makes the reader more empathetic than reading what you think of America's problems.

Undergraduate / JACKSONVILLE UNIVERSITY: Summarize your present academic & career goals. [12]


The essay is already very long and could be more concise. If you feel strongly about the 2 issues in para 3 & 4, you should highlight it - but it does take up the reader's mind-time and could distract from the main focus of your essay which is to "Summarize your present academic & career goals." (A summary is not a treatise!!) You clearly state upfront that your academic goal is a business management degree. Your career goal appears only in para 5 - do you mean to say your objective is a career in business education? You then mention micro-manufacturing. Both these goals are very broad and different, more entrepreneurial even. It's clear you have strong values and beliefs from what you have written; what would help is to learn more about how will you put them into practice (in a credible way) after graduation.

Scholarship / Contribute to homeland: Wesleyan University Freeman Asian Scholarship Essay!! [3]

The prompt asks for how you will use your Wesleyan education to make a contribution to your home country. Aside from these generalities: I will be the influential leader who works in professional fields Korea which is incomplete - what is "professional fields Korea??", "bring benefit to the economic and social development of my homeland, Korea, after 4 years from now" and "I could be the leading pioneer in the development of my homeland" you only wrote about leadership and about what makes Wesleyan the perfect school.

How about a specific dream goal? Just have fun and fantasize what would be your "dream come true" contribution to Korea - be more specific and tailor it to your neighborhood, your school, your community. It could be as simple as an exchange program, a magazine, a tutoring system. "Start small but think big!!"

Scholarship / To work for WHO or UNICEF - 250-400 words on my vision for the future [6]

Lizzie - I still stumbled on the first example you gave, your sister - as the adjective you used of overwhelmed is so vague - do you mean she is overwhelmed - scared or the outside world??


I understood your hammer metaphor - just questioned why education. Your deliberate use here then means (to me) that you intend to use education to help the "devastated locals."

Undergraduate / JACKSONVILLE UNIVERSITY: Summarize your present academic & career goals. [12]

Your essay is very strong - you write with conviction and confidence. I was very engaged up to the third paragraph, then it was as if someone had changed the program (or subject.) I do see your intent once I get to your final paragraph, but the fourth and fifth paragraph are out of context and only remotely related to the earlier ones i.e. give the reader direction as to where you are going with it.


missing a comma, correct Americans

Graduate / SOP for MSc in Petroleum Engineering [4]

The essay should be structured such that it has a beginning, middle and conclusion. You chose to start by recapping your undergrad education, then you slip in some work experience which is not clear (i.e. what and when and why. ) It would help the flow if you structured this for the reader i.e. sequence of work experience. I would guess that the Admissions Officer would be more interested in this as s/he can learn what undergrad courses you took from your transcript. The final section on why you want to pursue graduate work is fine.

Scholarship / To work for WHO or UNICEF - 250-400 words on my vision for the future [6]

Hi Lizzie,
I am confused. Your title and the category of essay (scholarship application) lead me to conclude that you are applying to a school, but I do not know at what level (undergrad or grad?) So I am assuming that this is for undergrad school and my comments are in this context:


What do you mean by overwhelmed. It isn't clear how you will inspire her ("She will watch and learn from me - watch & learn what??)


Why education? How about your heart or innate need to help?

Scholarship / Leaders are made, not born - leadership experience essay [2]

It would strengthen your essay if you included examples of your interaction with others that helped your brother. You only write about what YOU did alone, with him. Also, you leave the reader hanging by not specifying what was the outcome i.e. where you both wanted him to be. Is he independent and can take care of himself now? Why has your "journey towards helping my brother has successfully ended?"


REPETITIVE.

Some rewording and corrections:


About four years AGO, my brother WAS hit by a car.


for MORE THAN (or OVER) a minute


speech function was impaired


for many cherished years (??)

Undergraduate / my arrival in California - MIT the most significant challenge and activities [2]


Please try to explain who do you mean by "our" youth


pls check the spelling for forego?


Did he work at your mother's clothing store? If not, you just need to say my brother lost his job.


The causality doesn not work here- did your lost investment cause you not to be able to afford the luxury of time travelling to school because you had to work?


my mother two jobs TO make up ??? or my mother two jobs made up...


many problems arose

Graduate / What is the impact of sop (political science) for the approaval of MA? [4]

Yes, it would help for you to mention the relevant qualities and properties of your university eg. its high standards, if its known for its poli sci department, and any research work you had. It is particularly relevant if you want to continue doing research. SOP also includes your goals, what you plan to do with your MA, where - and maybe you should include why you are selecting these schools.

Graduate / Motivation essay for European Business School. [9]

Hi Luc,
As you found out when you called, the motivation letter should be about why you are applying to this Master program. Other than in your first paragraph and the second half of your last sentence, you don't address their question. Your are writing to the program director to introduce yourself and explain WHY BOCCONI? Why this school versus all other schools? Once you have addressed this, you can pitch why you would be a good candidate for them i.e.


Isn't there a part in the application where you have to list your work experiences so you don't have to do that in the letter. I like your creative jewelry designing - maybe you can link that to why Bocconi (i.e. its location in the fashion capital of Europe.)

Undergraduate / I visited the university campus - Cornell College of Arts and Sciences Supplement [6]

Fun essay!! I can understand why you don't want to be a vet for the air force :)

I see that you first talk about how your interest in medicine started (with your vet experience as an 8 year old,) and then how you became interested in psychology as a junior. You might want to mention why it's no longer medicine for animals. Also, your sentences run on very long in the second paragraph: "Learning about the subject in my Advanced Placement class ..."

The last two paragraphs could be better organized eg. your goals vs. why cornell liberal arts. There is some duplication here:

GOOD luck!

Undergraduate / a change which occurred last summer - General Topic Question [5]

Hi Avesh,
To answer your question, I would think that it depends on how convincing your recount of the experience is. You mention doing service" over the summer - are you going to write about this volunteer experience, or many experiences?

Slightly amending your words, I am going to quote what has been oft repeated to me: ALL wannabe ivIES DO everything just to get into college, including TRANSFORMATIVE VOLUNTEER WORK. (There is nothing wrong with that!!!)

Graduate / Application essay for PhD in Biological and biomedical sciences [3]

You are obviously well-qualified (i.e. you know your stuff..) I agree with your considering a different opening to


To humanize your essay, you may want to consider talk about why you like working with people. You touch upon it in these sentences but it deserves more emphasis:

Undergraduate / Tufts IDENTITY [3]

Hi P,
A LOT of personal expression, very colorful and imaginative, but the variety did not quite answer the prompt except in your last sentence:"I know beyond doubt that I have individuality and drive enough to excel at Tufts." Is that your intention?


I don't think "thrilled" is a verb:

Undergraduate / Essay for Agriculture and Life Science College in Cornell University [3]

GO FOR IT!! Very coherent, well articulated statement of purpose. I hope you get in!! 2 suggestions:


remove second comma


delete "to"

Undergraduate / Eccentric, influential person essay or electricity-generating bike essay? [14]

I like this one better because of the humanity you exude, but the ending is stronger in the second essay. For the first, there were only a few phrases that I felt were a bit rocky, not jarring, just not smooth as it could be:


A BIT STIFF HERE.


EXPLAIN IS THE DIFFERENT APPROACH??
keilinger

WORDING:

Poetry / Beauty (poem) [5]

Very nice. I liked your last line. Just some suggestions here:


a correction:


Here maybe you use "of" too many times??

Writing Feedback / Creativity has always played a big role in humans' development history. [5]

Before getting into corrections, can I express an opinion on your thesis statement? It seems you are saying that due to increased competition (population, globalization, proliferation,) creativity is the key competitive advantage or differentiator? Doesn't competition foster or necessitate creativity (in a capitalist system)? But that only ensures the success of the few who are creative (as opposed to the entire population?) I'm going to play devil's advocate here - do you mean that the survival of the uncreative masses depend on the creative few? Maybe it would help to clarify what you mean by creativity:

-technological innovation (in medicine?)
-good ideas that benefit businesses (cost reduction, efficiency improvement, value-added services?)
-


But what about idea proliferation? Quantity of creativity (versus quality?) Is creativity for creativity's sake good? What about the waste it creates? Are you familiar with the term "creative destruction?"


the development of human history does not really make sense here.



What is "quantity issue"? production overcapacity? proliferation of me-too products or copies? How about pure waste of resources?

Undergraduate / Admissions Essay Influential Person-Mother [3]

It's a solid essay but since you have extra length, it would benefit from specific examples - IN CAPS to "SHOW" AFTER EACH "TELL" ::

Growing up with such a strong role model, she has shaped many of my personalities (WHAT VARIOUS PERSONALITIES, or DO YOU MEAN ASPECTS OF YOUR PERSONALITY??).

Not only did I learn how to be independent and confident in myself, but I also gained her enthusiasm for life . (WHAT ENTHUSIASM FOR LIFE? LIKE IN PARTYING, ART, CHILDREN?)

She never forces me to do anything and I think this is why I am such an independent and self-managing person today (EXAMPLES OF WHEN YOU WERE SELF-MANAGING/INDEPENDENT?)

These changes weren't easy, as I was reluctant at first (WHAT CHANGES?)


THE FIRST SENTENCE DOES NOT LINK TO THE SECOND.


DID YOU MEAN SHE PUSHES YOU ON THE BIKE?? NOT OFF?


WHAT THOUGHT? CARING LOVE? DO YOU MEAN THOUGHTFULNESS?


GIVE EXAMPLE OF THE MOST SPECTACULAR EXPERIENCE

For the close, maybe it will be more impactful to write about how she remains your inspiration for making your life truly exceptional (as you said in the preceding paragraph)? I know this is hard to answer but try to think about it - aside from being your mother, why else is she important to you?

Writing Feedback / Gun Shy - to communicate with my Cultural Diversity teacher [4]

Jeannie - it's an honest (and respectful) way of asking your teacher the question. Isn't the purpose of the class to understand cultural diversity (which means beyond your own??)

I hope he is a reasonably "enlightened" guy (teaching this class...)

Book Reports / Two scenes whose natures contribute to the theme of the play - Merchant of Venice Essay [12]

Your teacher is being very technical here pointing out that the rings were returned AFTER the two scenes you chose to write on. As for "how they tie in," you can spell out how justice is unjust (antithetical) i.e. all wrongs are righted (rings returned) for everyone EXCEPT Shylock, the ONLY one with a legal contract that the court does not enforce. In fact, Shylock at the end, is punished and suffers the most for believing in and abiding by the law (not only from the court's harsh sentence but by losing the ring, his daughter, etc. does his ring remain with the monkey owner?) Everyone gets away with "murder" but him.

To what whom does Shakespeare show allegiance/support?: everyone but Shylock (lawllll)

Oh, the first example of Gratiano is repeated in your paragraph.

Graduate / LSE application, for Dev Studies, personal statement [13]

Dear fidelis,
You should have a look at (and help comment) other similar essays to see how yours could be improved. Please re-consider if you have addressed what I raised in my previous post on your first draft (repeated below.) This version still lists so many experiences and achievements that the reader can lose interest. Help focus the reader, short list your experiences (not ALL, only the very important ones.) Remember that your work and educational background is detailed elsewhere in the application, so it's not necessarily to your advantage to recount everything in this essay. Better to present the person behind all the accomplishments to help the Admissions Comm get to know YOU PERSONALLY better. Besides what you have done, talk about your extracurricular activities, your role model, what is your personality, how do your friends describe you.

Although I only really "heard" your voice in the next to last paragraph (starting with "As an African woman///") You clearly have the key qualification, so it's only a matter of presentation. I got a bit lost in the lead in paragraphs as you have so many accomplishments. Maybe focussing on the most compelling few would help the reader get to know you better?

Undergraduate / "the difficulty of my social studies exam" - Macaulay honors essay [3]

The prompt asks you to evaluate a significant risk YOU have taken and its impact on you. I only read about your sister's "risk" (to keep her baby) and its impact on you (not forgiving yourself.) Your missing and having to ignore her is more emotional than an ethical dilemma, which was not in the prompt. Did I miss the risk you took somewhere here?