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Posts by mle2010
Joined: Nov 12, 2009
Last Post: Jan 15, 2010
Threads: 7
Posts: 38  

From: United States of America

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mle2010   
Jan 15, 2010
Undergraduate / The Impact of Being a Twin (Common App essay) [5]

therefore coping and overcoming thesesituations in place was even more challenging for me

on my life and helping me to grow into Helping sounds awkward to me for some reason

a bit more untraditionallynon-traditionally

helped to teach me

Amazing essay! Just a few awkward phrasing that caught my eye. I am not a grammar person, but as far as flow/structure/wow factor and other logistical and big picture stuff, it looks amazing! Max seems like an amazing person. AND SO DO YOU ; )
mle2010   
Jan 8, 2010
Scholarship / Math, science - Subjects excelled. [4]

Nice response! Some food for thought though, the institution might like to see how you overcame an obstacle in math or science, and that's how you were able to continue excelling. Schools like obstacle hoppers. Also, maybe just try to add in what science class(es) you are taking, to show them you are on a high level there too.

Hope that helped!
mle2010   
Jan 8, 2010
Scholarship / Subjects you've had difficulty with. [3]

History is nothas never been my subject,.becausehistoryIt has never excited me, it never caught my attention, it never made me smile, nor has it n ever interested me. History is a bunch of facts that should stay when they happened, in the past. Every history teacher ...

... a set image in my mind: an old, boring, and out-of-date teacher . I believe that the underlying reason for my difficulty in the subject lies physiologically because of the lack of enthusiastic history teachers.

... I chose to develop a method to use so that history could get a grasp of my attentionthat would make history come alive for me

... learning the section, ect, I relate the situation to my life in some way or another.
... the purchase of land from the Spain for America. The purchase wasdonetransaction took place because the king of Spain ...
I remembered thisThis stuck in my mind because I related it to my U ncle Fred.Hesellingsold his BMW, for little moneyfor less money than it was worth because he needed to pay his bills., in order to pay for his bills.

So far my new methods for history havehas worked, they haveit has allowed me to study with ease.
... what is so interesting about the historyit .

The part I italicized first seems slightly ignorant and rude. For the second one, do you think maybe it was psychologically because you simply made a preconceived notion in your head that you would not like history nor the person who taught it. You make a lot of generalizations without redemption.

The final sentence seems to be in the same inappropriate tone. This school might not like seeing your distaste for a subject. You should suck up your pride and write about how this new method a and studying technique help you succeed in history and learn to understand and love it more. I would not tell a college that you hate an important subject. Ever hear the quote "Those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it." It is the first thing that probably comes to mind for most of your readers. Colleges don't want people who are doomed to repeat history. Sorry if it was harsh, hope it somewhat helped though.
mle2010   
Jan 7, 2010
Graduate / I just started my law school personal statment. is this a good start? [3]

I think ourThe ability to change ourselvesone's self in order to adapt to a new environment is one of the most important skills that a person can have.and I had to learn thosethat skills very quickly sincewhen my life completely changed overnight. I wasAt 14 years old,when my family was forced to move to America and I had to change myself in order to live and succeed and survive in this new country.

Back in Armenia, my father was fightingfought against privatizations of a research laboratory in Armenia -where he was the lead researcher. During thatAt the time,people started to threaten my fatherMy father started receiving threats that theyWho's they? were going to hurt him and our family and we decided to leave our country and seek asylum in America. The decision to move was made swiftly and I did not havethere was no time to really understand what this meant for me and my family. My parents and I left my little brother, who was 11 at the time, back home and started our life in America WHY?? . The change was tremendous and all of us had a hard time adaptingadjusting to the new environment. None of us spoke English and that was the first obstacle I had to overcome in order to succeed in America. elaborate more on this.

You might want to elaborate more on the struggle to learn English, and also maybe one more sentence on what your father was fighting against back in Armenia, it sounds vague right now. Good job on this start though!
mle2010   
Jan 7, 2010
Essays / Whats My New Years Resolution and Why? [6]

What is the specific prompt? For an application you might want to add how this resolution will help you contribute to a university environment.
mle2010   
Jan 5, 2010
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay (Sticks and Stones) [9]

Amazing essay! I can relate, and I feel like another reader, even if not jewish, can relate to you. I love the title and the follow through.

You fully answer the prompt, however I always love to give an extra little suggestion. Maybe relate the impact the experience had on you to how it effects you specifically in school. I know it would sound cliche if you just write that being able to overcome adversity will make you a stronger student, but you can do it subtly.

Maybe point out a specific club or program that would benefit from your ability to speak out, or a specific class that your interested in because of your run in with anti-semitism.

Hope that can help : )
mle2010   
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / Columbia univeristy- the circumstances of my upbringing [5]

ifteen year old Craig,and ten year old Karl, and me

Due to marital problems, my mother had just left my father and started a journey with her three children, one that would take her from a small physical therapy office in Queens to a booming practice of her own.

You can take the start of the journey back further, starting in Mumbai?

but they too were too young to do everything and they first had to take care of themselves. Though I had to find my own ways to entertain myself and to take care of mycomplete schoolwork, but I was able to succeed because I had my mother has ais an exceptional role model role model.

Because of my upbringing, I am a lot more independent and hardworking than I probably could have been hadif I been brought up any other way, and I know the true value of a dollar.This last part seems irrelevant..

I also had to take care of my schoolwork on my own and did not have the luxury of having my mother check my homework every night, as teachers often recommended parents do.

I emulated my mother and tried to work as hard as possible so I could be like her

Seeing my mother struggle to save money taught me to be careful with money, and I saved my five dollar a month allowance religiously and got a job as soon as I was allowed to in high school.Though this is a good example, because it seems a little disconnected, I would just take it out.

This essay will surely show this school exactly how your upbringing has CONTRIBUTED positively to how you are today.

Awesome job, hope my small suggestions on flow and phrasing helped.

Check out my responses if you have time please : ) they are both under 200 words.
mle2010   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay- Saturday Afternoon [9]

My advice would be prompt #2. Otherwise, do the "choose your own prompt" kind of thing, and title it something creative about the amazingness of your family.
mle2010   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Page 217 of a 300 page autobiography- Scrapbook [3]

The next section began with my college years. Pictures of my parents dropping me off at the airport, me with my first roommate in our dorm room, and a well documented collection of shots from the various activities I participated in. As the generic freshman year shots came to a close, the photos became more personal. There was my college graduation, bringing to a close the amazing four year journey of college. I felt as if I was reliving the entire experience through the photos I was sorting. Consistent throughout were the family pictures taken at gatherings, vacations, and celebrations. They were the one constant throughout the piles and piles of pictures to sort through, something to anchor the rest of my extensive collection.

For some reason this part doesn't read right to me. Maybe its because of the transition into the unknown, but you gain your flow back in the next paragraph.

Sorry I am braindead from writing.

But I love the new structure and concept.

Make sure that the last paragraph is still written entirely in the past, because you are in your late 70's or something yourself writing this. This is page 217, so you have a lot more to live after the reunion.

Hope that helped.
If you have time can you sneak a peak at my leadership essay? : ) thnx.
mle2010   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / All NYU Personal Statement Prompts - "Movie, NYer, Poem, Summer and Major" [5]

All of your answers are written very well. I especially enjoyed your description of your dream lunch date. The only caution I have for you is in your movie synopsis, be careful about saying NYU law school. Just make sure you don't sound pretentious. Overall great job though!

Your summer summary seems a little disconnected. Here is just some suggestions for word choice and phrasing

A week-long, unprompted journey to the Adirondacks began my summer. Away from the city in the tranquility of the woods, I climbed mountains, crossed rivers and exerted myself beyond my own physical and mental limitations. Come July, though I was leaving nature, the intensity of my summer stayed high as soccer practices began.My mornings, beginning in early July, were spentI spent countless hours in the grueling heat of tough Soccer practices, running countless laps and drills. Then towards the end of my summer, I shared my enthusiasm and energy with others as I worked as a counselor in an orientation program geared to giving freshman an informed introduction to my high school.

Hope that helped. If you have time, please check out my essay, I need help.
mle2010   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / The faculty of thinking and acquiring knowledge; Stanford/ Intellectual Vitality [4]

fixed thethat problem

I callthis learningthem lessons learned

Intellect is defined as "the faculty of thinking and acquiring knowledge", and learning from mistakes is one of the best ways to acquire knowledge.

Who by?

Those are just wording suggestions, but overall amazing writing! Your passion for trial and error, and launching oranges is truly shown.

Stanford would be lucky to have you.

Check out my essays if you get a chance please : )
mle2010   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "I strive earnestly like my parents" - UVA- The World I Come From [3]

Your essay is legit moving. It's funny and relatable, not because I come from a similar background, but your life comes alive in your writing. So awesome job!

The only suggestion I have is maybe angling your aspirations a little more. Even if its just one sentence, or a phrase, mentioning what you want to pursue in college because of your background. It could just be teaching english as a second language or becoming an engineer.

Hope that helped! Check out my essay if you can.
mle2010   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "Reverend Williams? I love him!" CMC- Leadership [8]

Leadership is a constant theme and emphasis at CMC. In fact, one of the ways we describe CMC students is "Leaders in the Making." Identify and discuss a person, fictional or nonfictional, who has helped shape culture and thought. You may select someone from any field: literature, the arts, science, politics, history, athletics, business, education, etc.

Please help me. Be honest, is it incoherent, french, convoluted. I just brain spilled because I have been having major writer's block with this essay.

Being a good leader isn't about how much you accomplish, but what you accomplish.
As I talked to my friend about this essay prompt and my preliminary idea on who to write about, her face lit up.

"Reverend Williams? I love him!"

She continued to talk about her experience at Glide Memorial Church, and how touched she had been by his sermon. Both my friend and I are Jewish, yet this incredible Christian minister made a positive impact on both of our lives. Even though I am not a religious person, I love the morals that my culture instills in its people. They are the same morals that Reverend Williams spreads to his community - - and beyond. Rev. Williams preaches that it doesn't matter what label you or anyone else places on you - - black, gay, infected, poor - - you're worth being accepted and loved.

Epitomizing the saying "Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it," by the American philosopher, George Santayana, Reverend Cecil William's philosophy sprouted from what he had learned from his past. Born in 1929 in Texas, Williams grew up in the segregated south. The dichotomy of his mother telling him he was going to be someone, and society treating him like dirt, was too much for him. After suffering depression, he had a dream that changed his outlook on life forever. He vowed never to accept someone else's definition or judgment of him. Nicknamed Rev as a young boy, Cecil Williams knew he was meant to be a leader, to spread love and joy.

After seminary, Reverend Williams came to Glide Memorial United Methodist Church in 1963, when it was a small, white, affluent community. At the time, the conservative congregation didn't share his vision of inclusiveness, and many left. This didn't stop him. Williams opened his doors to anyone who wanted to be there. As a leader, he was determined to lead anyone who needed or wanted a leader. Discrimination was thrown out the window. Throughout his years at Glide Church, Reverend Williams has made an effort to support every single congregant. Glide has always stood at the forefront of any civil or human rights issue to hit San Francisco.

Reverend Williams, as an exceptional leader, was and is always available to those who need him. When the Vietnam War raged, Glide Church focused itself on the anti-war movement. Later, when the Symbionese Liberation Army kidnapped Randolph Hearst's daughter in 1974, Glide Church tried to negotiate with the guerilla group to get her back. Though negotiations failed, Reverend Williams was a true leader and was there where he was needed. Leaders are judged by how the choices they make; whether they succeed or fail is less important. In 1979, after the assassination of San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk, Reverend Cecil Williams opened his doors to anyone in need of support and healing. During the crack epidemic in the mid-1980s, even though his own children were claimed briefly by the drug, instead of asking for harsher punishment and crackdowns on law violators, Williams led marches. He asked for speakers to share their stories about their struggles with the drug. He wanted to transform the people, not punish them. Reverend Williams didn't care about the praise he received, he cared that the people who looked up to him were on the right path; the path of being a good person, someone who respects and loves himself or herself. More recently, with the fight against AIDS and HIV, Glide Church was the first church to offer free testing after Sunday services. Today, Glide feeds approximately 3,500 poor people per day. Glide offers computer-training programs for adults; HIV, AIDS, and substance abuser support groups; and many other programs to benefit the community. No one is beyond the help or support of Glide and Cecil Williams.

Being Jewish, my favorite anecdote about this incredible man is that he removed the cross in Glide's sanctuary in 1967. He removed it saying that Glide's congregation was going to celebrate life and love. Each congregant was to be his own cross; responsible for his own actions. None of Glide's core values, outlined by Williams, mention G-d, Jesus or religion of any sort. Glide is dedicated to radical inclusiveness, breaking down barriers, sharing personal journeys and stories, and celebrating life.

The age required by the world United Methodist Church for its pastors to retire is seventy. Reverend Cecil Williams turned seventy in 1999, and he retired as pastor, but he remains at Glide as "Minister of Liberation." Cecil Williams is incredibly dedicated, loving and accepting. At every hardship San Francisco has faced, Reverend Williams has been at the forefront of helping. He has influenced positively every person who has had the good fortune of being in his presence.

Leave links to your essay, I will return the favor!
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Snow, Sand, and Sunshine: A Collection of Essays: Page 217 of a 300 page biography [4]

I love it!! I like this arrangement better. BTW love the thing about Shmu. Is the second chapters roman numerals right? Otherwise I love it.

My youngest brother is playing Wii, shouting at the TV as he loses the football game he his playing. One sister is having an impromptu dance party complete with blaring music and singing at the top of her lungs. My other sister is attempting to do homework while simultaneously trying to get everyone to be quiet and asking everyone around her for help on the essay she is writing . My other brother is practicing soccer, kicking the ball repeatedly at the garage door. This is a typical afternoon at the Edelman household. Unfortunately though a warm and inclusive environment, my house is not very conducive to successful homework completion.

Its a little chaotic, which is probably the point, but what about something like:

While one brother is playing Wii, shouting at the TV as he loses the football game he his playing, the other is practicing soccer, kicking the ball repeatedly at the garage door. Just as screaming and banging don't make the best environment for studying, neither does pestering or singing as one sister has an impromptu dance party complete with blaring music and singing at the top of her lungs, and the other attempts to do homework while simultaneously trying to get everyone to be quiet.

I don't know if that is too much of a run-on though.
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Snow, Sand, and Sunshine: A Collection of Essays: Page 217 of a 300 page biography [4]

Definitely a chaotic household, but I love the Edelman house.

The second chapter definitely captures that. You are onto something about the discontinuity between the chapters. Not only are the subjects vastly different, but the writing style changes. Both styles are awesome, but because this is a autobiography, I think the chapters should be slightly more cohesive, enless you wanted to go for a Louis Sachar effect. Maybe switch the chapters. Put the skiing one second. Maybe make the skiing chapter more about the break in repetition from the hectic week. Might add a little bit more chronology to it.

Don't know if that made sense, but I hope it helped. You know I am no good at grammar though, hence why I didn't touch on that.

P.S I actually spelled grammar wrong, and fixed it. Since when is it not "grammer." Geez this language is hard.
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / I'm actually really excited to meet you; Stanford Roommate Essay [11]

"Anyways , now that I have your attention, I should probably tell you something. Since we will be spending a lot of time together, I figured I would tell you about some other people I spend a lot of time with. Yep, you guessed it, my family."

Anyways is not a word.

Other than that, awesome response, though I do agree with some previous comments. I have read other Stanford supplements that sound relatively close to yours. The topic of wanted someone to expand your horizon with is great though!

I also agree that mentioning specifically that you are writing the essay to the admissions person and not actually to your roommate, might send the wrong message. I do like that you open with an attention grabber, just don't explain why you did. Or simply put "Just kidding, but I got your attention didn't I?

Hope that helped!
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Boston U [Why Boston and Three Words About You]; Needle/ knot/ paper [11]

Wow. That is the most innovative BU supplement I have seen yet. Awesome job! They will definitely love your creativity and mastery of the prompt.

t were eventually unable to

Unfortunately I think that's the only correction I have for you.

Again amazing job! Good luck!!
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Tell us about a time you used your creativity...(MIT) "Acting Out Desiderata" [4]

Amazing writing. You are definitely a talented writer. I would be careful with the religious aspect. Secular schools want to make sure you will be okay in a secular environment. Also, try to tie in your introduction about prayer into the ending of the skit. Or, maybe start your first sentence, with "I find solace and peace in peaceful silence." instead of prayer, I believe it will be much easier to tie your initial point back into your skit.

Again, amazing writing skills!

If you get a chance, please comment on my essay.
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / RISD + innovation - "why Brown" response--critique [8]

"I'm going to such a lot of classes,"

I don't quite understand this quote.

The response is really good! Nice job. I would caution you about putting down Yale and Columbia though. They all are Ivy League schools, and I don't believe appreciate being associated with saccharine and stuffy. Just be careful. You are on to something about being worried about mentioning RISD. It won't be an issue if you just do it once, but you don't want to give the impression that Brown is not your first choice. No college, especially Ivies, want to be considered second rate. Other than that, you do share your passion and excitement while you were there, which they will surely appreciate.

Hope that helped! check out my essays if you can!
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / I'm a charismatic leader who loves school,BU Supplement- 3 words to describe you [9]

The first paragraph looks familiar haha.

Maybe bringing the essay back to your initial concept of staying after school and dedication to the three words in the end. Otherwise, the part about Knesset seems a little disconnected.

Also, elaborate a little more on the charisma paragraph. Bring in how your leadership skills partnered with charisma allows you to lead a group and set a tone. You are a role model because of how you handle yourself as a leader.

I think a good way to build the essay a little more is to mention the other two words in each paragraph. Show cohesive-ness (if that's a word) between your words of choice.

So for instance. The leadership paragraph is perfect, but then as I mentioned above, mention the word leadership in the Charisma paragraph as support. Then in your inquisitive paragraph, maybe sneak in leadership, as in you are willing to lead the pack, try something new first. You're willing to speak up in class, being charismatic and leading your class in a new direction during a discussion.

Hope these tips helped!

BTW calm down. Colleges are lucky that you are applying. Any institution that rejects you will surely be sorry. You are an amazing student and person, any college would be lucky to have you contribute to their community and make it better.
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Home is Where the Heart Is, NYU movie and poem [5]

Amazing response! Sounds like an actual movie synopsis. Just a couple suggestions on how to cut down the words. I hope they help.

Home is Where the Heart Is. After living in Europe for four years, [name] was able to live the adventure she always craved. She explored the ancient ruins of Greece, witnessed Spanish bullfights, and admired Italian masterpieces in Florence. She made many friends and fell in love. However, she still felt like something was missing. Her grandmother's death causes her to return to the U.S. with her fiancé and reunite with her family and her best friend. After one chaotic week, a rekindled romance, and revisited memories, she is reminded of what is truly important to her: family.
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App - elaborate on one activity. Color Guard [5]

Really nice response! It really shows your passion for the sport. I would just mention maybe any leadership role you have taken or initiated in Color Guard, or at least how long you have been doing it.
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Alive, Surprising and Curious, Boston University- 3 words [7]

In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

Alive, Surprising and Curious are three words that describe me best. I feel that any characteristic I embody can be stripped down to one of those words. I thought about the prompt all day and the words came to me as I paid special attention to everything I did.

Every Monday I wake up around six-thirty in the morning, shower, get dressed, grab some sugared-down coffee, jump in Burgy, my old Toyota Corolla, and drive the thirty-six miles to my school in San Francisco, CA. Though I didn't feel it right when I woke up, as I drove to school today, I felt alive. I was alive. Alive meaning that I am full of life; I am capable of anything.

Once I parked and walked into the Jewish Community High School of the Bay, greeted Bobby, my favorite security guard, and stuck my tongue out at DJ, the receptionist, it was time to go to Tefilah.

I grew up non-affiliated to Judaism, but for some reason, I woke up during my Freshman year at Folsom High School, surprised myself and decided to go to a Jewish School 136 miles away from home. Even though I grew up not knowing these morning prayers and hating them once I did learn about them, I surprised myself by catching on. Now I can lead morning prayers, only two short years from joining the quirky world of Judaism. I'm a surprising person. I like showing people that I am so much more than what they see and expect.

So today in Tefilah, I participated like usual, but not with the monotonous, know-it-all tone I usually have. I was enticed by my own knowledge and, I guess, surprised at how alive I felt.

Next period, my AP Biology class was gathering around my teacher who had a dead chicken on a cutting board. Gross, was my first thought. Then, my teacher started to take it apart. I was so curious. My finger was almost chopped off because I grabbed for the liver before she put the knife down. My gag reflex disappeared because I was so intrigued with the inner workings of a seemingly simple animal. For two seconds, I wanted to rip my own rib cage open, just see what it looked like. Thankfully we have a 3D human body diagram in the classroom to stop curious kids like me.

Later, like every Monday, the student government, met at lunch. I am the Student Activities Executive. Knesset brings out my curiosity in others opinions and I am able to surprise my peers with great ideas and successful mediation. Leading my peers and representing their voice to the administration makes me feel alive.

Boston University, in my opinion, needs alive minds. Not that the University is looking for cadavers. BU is the best place for kids who can identify the fire inside of them, the burning passion to learn and understand the world. Every morning I wake up with that consuming and contagious determination in my heart. My school has successfully managed to bring out my curiosity, not just in academics, but also in life. I don't ask for answers; I find them myself. It surprises me everyday where my curiosity and need to feel alive take me.

Help! I need to cut down almost 50 words.

All criticism is welcomed. Be as harsh as needed.

Leave links to your essays, I will comment back.
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / From one school to another...Why? [7]

Explanation for break in secondary school education.

Up until my sophomore year in high school, Folsom was where I called home. The small town of 50,000 people sheltered my blissfully ignorant and conservative nature for fifteen years. Sure, I had heard of gay people, racial prejudice and world issues, but politics never seemed relevant to my life. For fifteen years my life was black and white, every question had an answer, and my world was the size of a cantaloupe. I hate cantaloupe.

At the close of my freshman year in high school, I was given an opportunity to change everything. The Jewish Community High School of the Bay sits in San Francisco, two hours by car from Folsom. Attending this school would mean moving in with my grandparents in San Carlos (25 miles south of San Francisco) and commuting to school via the train. I decided to trade in my cheerleading uniform, pool parties, football games and straight A's for the unknown abyss of urban private school life. Suddenly I had teachers that were gay, others that were radical activists, and every single one inspirational. It was a mind-blowing change from the bored teachers I was used to back home. They taught me that not only do I need to think to succeed, but I also need to question, and if I can't find answers, to push through and find them on my own. After two weeks in this new jungle, I quickly figured out I was no longer the smartest and was easily the least worldly student. Catching up with my peers who had been dealing with college prep level work since pre-school was challenging.

The seemingly simple change of schools broadened my world more than words can capture, and it made me crave intellectual growth and knowledge more than ever. My dreams ballooned and my aspirations exploded. I now strive to understand the word, relevant to my life or not.

All feedback, harsh or not, is welcomed and appreciated. Thanks!
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / I'm a charismatic leader who loves school,BU Supplement- 3 words to describe you [9]

This isN ot because I dislike my home, but because I take my responsibilities to my school very seriously.

Frequently I stay at school after nightfalldark , planning, creating, and promoting different student initiatives.

Offering both courses in leadership, and options for practical applications for the skills developed, is the conclusion of my project and something I want to pursue in college.Awkward phrasing, sounds like your goal is to offer those courses.

I was struck by the spirit of the students, they hashave the ability to seamlessly combine their desire for a strong education with a passion for getting involved.

I had never really appreciated history before APUSH ----?

Amazing essay! Just a few little things I put in there, but I know from experience that you are an amazing writer and your own worst critic.

One suggestion would be to tie everything together at the end. Directly answer the prompt.

I will be posting my Boston essay in a couple of minutes. Hope you take a look.

P.S your school sounds like an AMAZING place. just btw.
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / CMC- Aren't you tired? Because you have been running through my head all day. [3]

In under 500 characters, What first influenced you most in applying to CMC?

I went on a college trip with my friend. Her mom wanted her to check out Pomona, so I went with her. Pomona's tour times didn't work with our schedule, so we just tagged along on the Mckenna one. She was so bored, but I slowly fell in love. From the philosophies to the people, CMC wouldn't get out of my head. I had fallen in love.

or

I went on a college trip with my friend. Her mom wanted her to check out Pomona, so I went with her. Pomona's tour times didn't work with our schedule, so we just tagged along on the Mckenna one. She was so bored, but I slowly fell in love, from the philosophies to the people. During the rest of the week, while seeing UC's and CSU's, CMC wouldn't get out of my head. I had fallen in love.

I want to get across that the biggest influence on my decision to apply was the fact that after seeing Mckenna, after being there, it wouldn't get out of my head. Even after seeing other colleges.
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Caltech essay: Math and engineering [2]

Really great essay.

My only question is if the structure is intentional. It looks like every sentence is a separate paragraph.

"I only have what I have learned from the internet or have see in many documentaries on the Discovery Channel."

Other than that, amazing!
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / 'well-known mechanical engineer' - lehigh university supplement [3]

You answer the prompt perfectly. Sometimes while reading others essays, I find that people miss parts of the prompts. You covered your bases. So good job!

At the end, the part about participating in clubs becomes a little vague. Maybe suggest a few clubs that interest you, or you were a part of at your high school, to show you know what you want to become involved in.

Other than that, it is an amazing response. Lehigh certainly will be able to tell your interest in them.
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "Left Brazil toward Windy City" - U of C: "Why Chicago" essay [4]

What motivates me to leave Brazil and pursue college education 5000 miles away from home is the incredible opportunity of studying and learning about so many diverse places . Down here, the system is a bit more rigid, and I struggled to find something I throughoutly liked.I don't understand how the rigid structure of home affects your ability to choose? Economics, law, engineering, history, cooking... all seemed to fit me perfectly, and it took me a while to settle down with the first option. And, now, again, I stand undecided: the possibility of picking up everything I enjoy in these areas and obtaining a preciously unique education is indeed seducing. After all, if I enjoy Middle Ages and Macroeconomics so much, why should I refrain from studying both? I can almost see myself in the Old World, conducting researches about ancient Mediterranean trade routes with my charming Italian colleague.

The paragraph above confuses me. As your first paragraph, you might want to mention University of Chicago. You say you are undecided, but then say moving is seducing and you don't say what is holding you back. When you mention you enjoy middle ages and macroeconomics, it might be a good time to mention that University of Chicago can give you that opportunity. I would also hold off on talking about studying abroad, that is what i assume you are talking about with the "old world," and "italian colleague." Right now it sounds as if you are confused on where Chicago really is.

What comforts me is that, even if I end up forgoing long expeditions with Vittoria, the U of C Spell out University of Chicago the first time you mention it offers a top-notch liberal and holistic approach towards education, allowing me to experience a myriad of new things. Take, for instance, the broad common core curriculum, which provides a solid academic basis, world-level courses and facilities, a brilliant faculty, whose global renownreputation can be demonstrated through its many Nobel Prizes in several areas.Maybe point out an example that you find most impressive, try to make it fairly current

New paragraph I also highly esteem the innumerous options of study-abroad programmes, which will surely allow me to shape a more fundamented, practic and critical world view; the interesting Office of Multicultural Student Affairs, where I will be able to make contact with diametrically different backgrounds (who knows, maybe a sushi course at OMSAwrite out acronyms the first time you use them could be an appropriate debut to a glorious chef career).Run-onAlso the diverse opportunities for student-led community service, offered through organizations such as the spell out UCSC and the Chicago Studies department, not only because of its magnanimous ethical aspects, but also because social business is an area I'm very keen onYou really should elaborate on this, they want to know why chicago because they want to know what you are interested in and how Chicago is the right place for you to do that . I live on a city where, just like the Hyde Park area, violence is a serious issue, and I am sure that a lot of things that I may learn in Chicago can be used here in Rio de Janeiro.

The city of Chicago itself is an important part of the learning experience. Despite considering myself an "urbanite", who feels at home in such big metropolises, the cultural diversity and liveliness inherent to the Windy City is overwhelming. The University's student community itself features such variety and spirit, as noticed on its several heterogeneous groups, feeding undergraduates from a "Chicago man/woman" archetype, traditional outings at orientation weeks, and - why not - even at some articulately-written essay prompts at the application supplement, their creation. I see a group who works hard to make the U of C an institution whose excellence and worldwide importance is incontestable, but, still, find plenty of time to chat, hit the town, have fun.

I see in the University of Chicago an exceptional institution, dedicated to the convergence of different areas of human knowledge and a reference when it comes to liberal education in the United Statesslightly awkward wording . American philosopher Will Durant would say it is where civilization is transmitted; make sure to put that in quotes I dare to complement him: it is where itelaborate on it" is improved. A vibrant center where interests give birth to new ideas, thoughts are transformed into reality and different parts of the world meet and interactI love this sentence! . We ourselves are improved. More than a passport to one of the world's most important universities, an admission to Chicago is an invitation to change; and I would delightfully accept it.

Amazing ending!

Hope that helped! Take a look at my essays if you can.
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / CommonApp Short Answer - Orphanage [6]

I agree RDHFinney. This is an incredibly moving short answer. A small suggestion, if there is any way to add that this wasn't a one time event. The college might like seeing that you stuck with this, even though they might be able to read that in your extra curricular section on the common app. They also like to see leadership, if there is any way to point out a specific activity or thing you initiated yourself.

Hope that helped! Check out my essays if you have time please. :)
mle2010   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / UVA Favorite Word Essay- incognito [6]

Amazing essay. This shows your incredible talent as a writer. Warning though, your favorite word is impressive, you just don't want to ward off colleges. You need to avoid them thinking of you as a fraud. If you can fit it, it might be worth writing about how it affects your academics and ability to achieve goals (positively). Add in why being incognito would make you the perfect candidate for UVA.
mle2010   
Nov 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App- 150 words- Student Council [4]

Common App- In less than 150 elaborate on one activity you are proud of.

For my senior year, I decided to run for a position on the Knesset (Student Government). My school doesn't have the normal president, vice-president, etc. We have a president, four executives that represent different aspects and two representatives from each grade. I ran for Student Activities Executive and won, meaning I am responsible for planning dances, mixers, and any other social activity or event. Even though we are not even half way through the year, I love my job. At some points its stressful, getting calls from my advisor at midnight asking for advice, and planning last minute details while studying for AP Biology, but its one of the most rewarding jobs I have ever had. To see that you have successfully represented your peers and were able to plan an event that they enjoyed makes the stressful times worth it.

Thanks Guys!
mle2010   
Nov 16, 2009
Undergraduate / 'math tutoring program' Activity Essay for the Common app [9]

In the beginning of my senior year, MY school decided to create a math tutoring program aimed at reduc(ing) the number of students receiving Ds and Fs . The student tutors were only selected from the senior AP Calculus classes. Being a fervent fan of mathematics, I was honored to become a member of the tutoring team. Although most tutors only volunteered one to two hours each week, I (Agree with above, don't mention the other person) devoted one hour each day to assist the underclassmen. It was a joy teaching the beginners. Not only did my schoolmates improve their grades, but I (Delete "myself") also profited from this program: my communication skills were sharpened, my knowledge of basic geometry and algebra was refreshed, and most importantly, (awkward wording after this, perhaps, "and most importantly"..because I had affected someone's life positively, I felt a incredible sense of accomplishment.)

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