Undergraduate / International University of Art and Design, trying to apply [12]

Hi, Cookie.

I think, it's Ok, but if there is a strict requirement regarding the length of the essay, you may consider eliminating some phrases or paraphrasing sentences to make them shorter.

Grammar, Usage / Can this sentence be improved by punctuation? [7]

hi, Nicola

It was impossible to overlook these petite wonders - they were angelic.

It was impossible to overlook these petite wonders: they were angelic

It was impossible to overlook these petite wonders, as/because they were angelic

Undergraduate / International University of Art and Design, trying to apply [12]

Fashion has been a fascinating world that I have always wanted to be a part of - apart means to be aside, separately; but I never knew what aspect of the industry I wanted to engage in.

On my spare time, I incorporate the trends into my wardrobe by sewing, cutting, tailoring, or re-creating clothing from my closet and/or fabric I purchase.

The program demonstrates that it has the courses I need to excel and has everythingI need in orde r to obtain my career goal, such as Retail marketing, Sales Promotion, Visual Merchandising, Consumer behavior, etc.

I will be able to become a fashion buyer for a chic and trendy store such as Forever21, H&M, etc, and own my own business and/or boutique in the future

I feelbelieve Ai-Miami will provide me with the tools I need in order to fulfill all my aspirations and goals as well as offer opportunities I was never aware of within the industry.

Writing Feedback / Essay for IELTS : Young people should go to university or not ? [4]

this is a too long sentence:
Although higher education does not guarantee young students' success, the benefits of learningstudying in universities are the vital factors in creating more possibilitiesopportunities for the development of society through advancing academic fulfillment and the young generation who have experiences and challenges.- this phrase sounds odd. Try to avoid structuring such an extensive sentences, since a real meaning can be lost. Truly speaken, when I reached the end I've got confused and forgot what you were implying to at the beginning.:)

Essays / Essay writing about weekends, holidays, trips for KS1 (year 2) [3]

I don't know if it helps, but here is the recent sample of an essay similar to the proposed topic:

essayforum.com/essay-writing-feedback-3/womans-weekend-17561/

Faq, Help / Thanking moderators and everyone who gave me helpful suggestion [28]


Hi, Vaishali. Believe in you, in your abilities and strength, and you will accomplish your goal. I wish you to score high result and share your happiness with us.


Hi, Kevin. It is never late to start learning another language, especially with your potential. Have you ever thought about it?

Faq, Help / I want to express deep gratitude; letter of acknowledgment to EssayForum participants [8]

Hi, Lynn


Access to essays? I did not completely understood the problem. If you're unable to look over the given feedbacks, this is a problem that should be addressed by moderators.

Don't worry so much about the exam. I figured out that if one wants to succeed at an official exam he/she must pull oneself together and have calm confidence.

With regard to feedbacks to your essays, I would be glad to be helpful as soon as possible.

Faq, Help / Essay Forum Appreciation Thread [14]

Congratulation!

This is a very good result.Hope, even greater success awaits you in the future. I realize the significance of efforts that you took, but after all, all efforts are rewarded, as you proved on your example.

Writing Feedback / The most important characteristic to be successful in life and best way to tackle with difficulties [3]

Hi.
here are my comments:

To begin with, the whole exisence in the world is a rivalry where really often you are on the weaker side.

People who manage to overcome the "being down in the dumps" feeling are the ones who succeed.
People overcoming "being down in the dumps" feeling succeed. - this is just a suggestion though, since your version is also correct.

Secondly, communication with others will be a lot more fluent, because one becomes more attractive to colleagues, friends and acquaintances. - again it is a suggestion.

Critics of my position may say that this kind of people - what kind of people? - cannot approach adequately to a serious situation or crisis and do not have a realistic image of life. - why?

Worrying too much will only cause you a headache and you will struggle more until finding the best solution. - It can be inferred from the sentence that you are against finding the best solution. Why? Is it bad?

in my opinion you deviate from the topic of the essay in your theses statement and first paragraph. You discuss more the necessity to stay optimistic and not to give up rather than the importance of sense of humor.

Writing Feedback / The increasingly rapid pace of life today causes more problems than it solves. [5]

Hi, Rajveer

May be you got tired of me giving praises to your essays instead of constructive feedbacks, but I cannot refrain from distinguishing them as interesting and readable ones. I could not find mistakes. You write very well as always. keep it up!

Grammar, Usage / General writing advice: Addressing the audience [7]

Thanks Ershad. Although I looked up for a couple of words in the dictionary, I think that you succeeded in conveying your ideas in a simple and understandible manner. :)

Writing Feedback / Child Labor in the World - children are not anyone's property. [8]

"Children do not constitute anyone's property

Once, a child accidentally dropped a glass, and his the store manager got very mad.

I felt sorry for these children, who were being deprived of their childhood.

I also found out that companies like Nike, Coca-Cola, and Hanes also use child labor to produce some of their products.

Many laws are being passed to prevent child labor today.The United Nations Children' Fund makes laws every day to prevent the spreading of child labor in the world today. However, it is our job to push for more laws to eliminate child labor in the world today. - try to find a synonim to this word - you reiterate it too often in this paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Violence is never a real solution to a political crisis. (MCAT written topic) [6]

Hi, Laura

Terrorists' acts of violence must sometimes be curtailed with brutality when negotiations fail - It proved to be ineffective too. Violent opposition to terrorists leads to their firmer and more agressive resistance. The more terrorists are pursued and annihilated, the more persistent they become :(

For example, the bombing of Hiroshima was viewed by some as the only solution to a long and bloody war.

your english is very good, but the essays lacks consistency. your point is not clear to me: do you advocate violence or completely refute it? I think, you ought to choose one side

Dissertations / Latest Ph.D. topics in the field of data mining and warehousing [10]

Hi, Kevin. thanks for an advise. Can you tell me why some links appear in blue and by clicking them it is possible to go to that page, but some do not?

Writing Feedback / Topic: Events bring people together. [8]

Hi, Baohuy.

affection is equal in meaning to "love", "attachment".

it was just suggestion, since I don't think that the use of "love" was a mistake. Thanks for asking, because your question urged me to look through the sentence again and to find out that I made a mistake too:) correct form: affection for something

It means,love for football and sporting events connect people closer.


Sorry, but I don't understand what you mean by this question.

A conclusion should not be limited to one sentence; write two or more depending on the content and size of the essay. Usually main points are briefly listed there again.

I cannot say your probable score, since I don't know what type of essay it is, and consequently what are the evaluation standarts. Is it TOEFL or IELTS essay?

Dissertations / Latest Ph.D. topics in the field of data mining and warehousing [10]

here is the link where EF Kevin provided links and other useful information pertinent to your question. I hope he will not mind my citing of this link.

https://essayforum.com/dissertations/suggestions-topic-computer-science-cloud-10914/

I suggest two more websites that I found so far:

docstoc
thearling

Writing Feedback / 'cultural monuments' Why people visit a museum while visiting a new place? [5]

the conclusion is very short.

Overall, your essay comes to be interesting. Hovewer, information was organized unsystematically which complicates proper evaluation of your writing. I would advise to follow a general essay structure which is:

1. introdiction, where you provide general ideas about the topic and demonstrate your opinion by writing a theses statement.
2. body of the essay subdivided into separate paragraphs: one paragraph for each reason. here you should develop each of point with supporting ideas, examples and details

3.conclusion, which should consist of not less that 2 sentences, where you list your arguments once more and complete it with some original finalizing sentence

best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Follow it up with adequate facts ; Limiting inventory to increase profits [4]

Hi, Rajveer

Although I cannot grade your essay, since I do not know about scoring standarts for this type of essay, I liked it. You have made complete research of the topic you were given, and analyzed it throgouhly. Good work!

Writing Feedback / We need neighbors who are helpful, kind, understanding and encouragingr [9]

Human - if you imply to mankind you add "the", but if you mean an individual write likes - like to leave in society ...

Hovewer, nowadays everyone is busy in their schedule; some are busy in study, some are in office - this phrase sounds odd; it seems like words are not used properly and do not match their places.

you have a lot of grammatical mistakes both in word spelling and sentence structure. I corrected some, but I am sure that there is still plenty of them. These errors obscure your points, making them difficult to comprehend.

Letters / Informal letter to the embassy in London to explain what happened [6]

I am writing to you hoping that you could can do me a favour. I have a problem which I think could be solved easily , Recently, something really embarrassing has happened to me, and I cannot make up my mind what to do.

I am a student at the university and at thee end of a week I feel so tired. That is whyAt the week-end I decided to go to a sale to relax.


I agree. You give too much preferrence to description of your feelings. Focus on facts of the events instead.

Writing Feedback / My Friends - a Challenging Paragraph [7]

This is one of possible versions:

Last summer, I spent my vacation with three friends with different personalities. Their temperaments affected their communication with people, since each of them had inclination to do things as he thought it was right.

...

In brief, each of my friends possessed distinct characters, which influenced their relations with other people and attitude towards the environment in general.

hope, this will help.

Writing Feedback / My Friends - a Challenging Paragraph [7]

Hi, Nesreen

Usually, a conclusion is a brief summary of information discussed in an essay and consists of repeating the main points. However, you introduced a different idea in your writing which was not mentioned or implied to.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: WHICH KIND OF WORKER WOULD YOU HIRE? [5]


Instead of "you" and "he" you can use "a person or an individual" or the plural form "people or workers" in order to avoid oppression of an opposite gender. The latter is more convenient, since you can replace these words by common pronouns they or them.

you do not need to spend money and time inon expensive training courses.


This is a very short paragraph. Each para in an essay should consist of not less that 5 sentences, whereas the first sentence is a topic sentence, and the rest ones are supporting ideas.


this is a contrary statement; you may develop it further in a separate paragraph. It will make your essay larger and more interesting.

Writing Feedback / Traffic congestion and ways to reduce it - Compare paragraph - What's better? [5]

Both of the versions are short; may be you should join them in one essay.

Writing Feedback / Positive and negative aspects of globalization - two-edged sword [3]

Globalization is just like - or resembles a two-edged sword, bringing us not only a series of enormous benefits, but also potential destruction in many fields. No one can deny the merits of it, but in the meantime, we must keep an eye on it to prevent its negative affects.

...the processing progress of products also provides a large number of employments opportunities..

Although there is a wealth of benefits, we can not neglect the by-products it brings to us


I liked points made here; they deserve further elaboration.

In conclusion, due to the existence of both positive and negative aspects brought about by globalization, we should do our most to control its negatives while enjoying the welfare it brings to us. Approaches such as more strict law system as well as propagandas among a society should be taken immediately.

Essays / ESSAY ON Canadian Domestic Policy [3]

Are you given references to use? If so, start reading them and make some notes. In my opinion, assignments are usually based on covered material. If not, search in the Internet and in your school library.

This is an alternative question. Choose your point, write an introduction and end it with a thesis statement. Afterwards, using your notes write 3 examples that directly support your thesis statement and place each in different paragraph. Explain why you think that these examples are appropriate and how they support your viewpoint.

Since your time is limited, you have a lot of work to do for a short time.
I hope you will come up with a good writing.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / I think there is too much violence in movies. [6]

Thanks for comments, Yonman.

Regarding your question, I do not need to support the reason with a realible source in TOEFL essays. It is not required, but, of course, if I do that it would be counted as a plus. Students usually use expressions like "according to recent surveys" or "referring to latest interviews"; however, I try to avoid including these types of cliche phrases in my essays.

Writing Feedback / I think there is too much violence in movies. [6]

Syddy and Kevin, I appreciate your suggestions and corrections.

Thank you Kevin for your kind words. It is a real pleasure to be engaged in the activity if this forum. I really enjoy it. While trying to help people, I benefit from it as well. I gain something novel and useful every time when I provide feedbacks irrespective of the quality of checked essays.

Regarding my reasons, I still think that violence in movies is unjustifiable. In order to help people to deal with harsh realities, it is enough to demonstrate difficulties and hardships that people experience without including violent scenes. Skilled filmmakers are able to evade using these technique telling the whole truth and making viewers to ponder over a film, understand and go through all that a protogonist does. May be an attempt to veil their ideas. Everybody may display violence in films - it is not so difficult, but few masters can present things in the way that fully convey suffering and sorrow without scenes with bare violence.

I an not for censorship, which I consider the violence of rights for expression, but I think that censorship should exist in the mind of fillmakers; they should comprehend that there are certain limits, that they should know where to stop in their efforts to pervert in making violent scenes. After all, observance of violence may tell about the harsh realities, but few people will understand them. Everything seems too remote, and unreal from behind the screen. People are able to see and cope with problems after they face with such situation.

Grammar, Usage / Get in The Right Frame of Mind for Essay Writing [3]

Hi, Stainluss.

Actually, there aren't clear tips, as a lot depends on an individual's character, psychology and mood.
Just try to summon your strenght, exploit all abilities, collect your thoughts and remember that this would be the final exam, the final step that you should take to finish the year. Come earlier to an exam, talk to your friends, do everything to allay worries just before the exam, but concentrate on the task when the exam starts. If you are good in writing, if you have certain techniques, they will come to your help regardless the pressure you will experience.

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / My academic performance when I was a sophomore.(Not more than 500 words) [8]

I am impressed with your accomplishments, but I think the writing is too short. The limitation of 500 words infers that you should write aproximately 200-300 words.

Regarding the content of your writing, it is dry. There is no introduction, body and conclusion. If you are required to list bare facts, then it is ok. However, if they demand you to write an essay, then you should add more color, embellish the writing.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing-Topic about TV, book, radio [4]

You should expand on the last paragraphs, by repeating your reasons; it is too short. Add few supportive sentences to the para devoted to television, as you in favour of it. The reasons that you brought there for its effectiveness are not completely persuasive.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Improve Roads or Public Transports [3]

Hi, Hatung

First, I would like to point out the number of words and the size of your paragraphs. Your essay is a bit short, less than the required minimum of 300 words; consequently, the paragraphs are short - you should add 2-3 sentences to each para to make them more complete, and correspond with the word count requirement.

In my opinion, you did not thoroughly address your thesis statement.
Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Growing up in a rural area provides an easy-going life pattern to children [3]

Since there are various specialized education systems in the city, it will help the children for education. - Existence of various specialized education systems in the city can provide children

with qualified education.

...those who dwelling in the countryside often confronts with limited education because they countrysides lack well-established education system.

The children who had spend their youth life in countryside are likely to get a small range of knowledge compared with children in city.

In order to gain knowledge growing children up in the city will definitely help it because it has more stabilized systems. - this sentence is a little bit confused. In order to gain knowledge, children should be grown up in cities, since they have more stabilized system of education.

Essays / If i have million dollars I would help these organizations... [5]

Hi, Tashi


I don't think this is possible, because the overall objective of this forum, as I understood during my activity here, is to encourage students to write themselves, thereby developing their writing skills.

You should write an essay yourself, if you want to improve your writing.


How can you become aware of your mistakes, if you don't write anything? Prepare a draft and place it here. Moderators and members of the forum will provide feedbacks to your essays, indicating your omissions and correcting your mistakes. Be sure that no essay will remain unchecked. Only by this way you will be able to learn from your mistakes. And it realy works!


this may be the dominant reason that affects your writing. you ought to overcome your laziness and read as much as you can. You can do this by reading essays of other forum members as well, since some of them are very good source of information. Do not copy them, though; try to develop your own ideas and style.

Do not afraid of writing! The most difficult part is to begin; the rest will come with persistence!
good luck :)

Research Papers / Psychology Research; "abstract/method section." What do these terms mean??! [5]


Thanks for pointing that out to me. I will take into consideration your recomendation in other feedbacks :)

Undergraduate / Disappointments in Life; 'never lose infinite hope' [7]

Hi, Shalini
You are improving, since I did not find many mistakes in the last essay. I could have missed something while cheking, but in comparison with your previous threads, the latest one is better. I think the main things in writing an essay are to find ideas and present them in the right structure - things that you cope with well. You can write, I should say, and you write very well. I like how you organize your thoughts and present them in your essays. Grammar is not the hardest part of writing, though it is important as well. By constant reading grammar books and doing tips, it is possible to reduce such problems. I tell it from my own experience. As not being a native speaker, I have to constantly work on my grammar and sentence struture. Try more; you will see the results very soon.

Research Papers / Psychology Research; "abstract/method section." What do these terms mean??! [5]


1. The method section of an APA format psychology paper provides the methods and procedures used in a research study ....

good luck!

Undergraduate / Disappointments in Life; 'never lose infinite hope' [7]

I think, the essay is well-written and has a good structure. You addressed the topic, making the essay pleasant to read.
I wish you to never lost your hope and remain as optimistic as you are now.