Undergraduate / I am shy - what I did to overcome this trait? [2]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, one change:

except: hi, bye, yes, and no.

Should be "except "hi," "bye," "yes," and "no."

In regards to content, I think you've got a great essay that describes your life after overcoming a major obstacle. You do a great job of evaluating your life after this change, and relate that to your hopeful college experience. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Essay about the environment and how we can improve it [2]

Good evening :)

In regards to mechanics, make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences; for instance, "Environmental Science" shouldn't be capitalized. Also, "facet" should be "faucet."

"I hope that if I apply..."

In regards to content, I think it's a great essay. You use good examples from your life and apply them to greater society. You are well organized and the piece flows evenly. Your intro grabs the attention, and your conclusion wraps everything up nicely. Good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Catholic school, September in Florida - Common App Essay PROMPT 2 [6]

Good evening :)

I have edited a paragraph from your piece and included some general comments as well:

"It is not a question of God's existence for me, though. Whether it be a stranger holding open a door on a difficult day, t he feeling of losing oneself in the rhythm of a piece of music, or even in biology l earning the sublime complexity and immaculate efficiency with which atoms bond to atoms to perform tasks in the cell; I have no doubt in the existence of a God. With a vastness of personal experiences to draw upon, and the concrete logic of those like Aquinas, theism is easy. What follows is a mishmash of religions and rites, churches and creeds, denominations and dogmas that leave my head spinning. It is impossible to simply step back and make a reasoned decision. There are no "Idiot's Guides" to choosing a religion, no flowcharts or compare-contrast tables of positions and ideas to help me decide. Facts are scarce, support is rare, and for an empirical mind like mine making the leap is difficult. ButAvoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "and," "so," or "but." I keep trying: I attend services that are unfamiliar to me, I read books that are outside of my comfort zone, I experiment with approaches to life that I feel can make me a more spiritual person. It will likely take time but, hopefully, the patchwork of experiences that I have exposed myself to will eventually come together and provide me with the courage to take the leap."

In regards to content, you are very well organized and your paragraphs are structured well. I think it answers the prompt well, in a formal and even tone; you have a confident voice, resulting in a strong essay.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Service Above Self" - UC Prompt #2 [3]

Good evening :)

In regards to mechanics, replace the hyphen with a comma in the sentence "...kindhearted, determined leader..."

In regards to content, your conclusion is a bit abrupt. In the ending, never introduce new information and not follow it up. As it is, the conclusion seems like an after thought added to increase your word count.

Otherwise, I think this is a good piece; well organized with a sooth flow. It answers the prompt well, and will be much better once polished a bit.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / What is your favourite word and why? - Uni of Virginia [15]

Good evening :)

I think it would be fine to use. You could make sure to include this definition in your essay, but I don't see it as a problem, since it is your favorite word.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "To start life afresh in California" - UC, What do you think of it so far? [6]

Good evening :)

I think you're off to a great start. Your descriptions are very vivid, and your tone is wise. You are well organized and your structures look good. I think this will become a great piece.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "The special interest group"; what do you think? - considering civil engineer B.S [12]

I think it would be a good fit for that prompt; you might have to go into its impact on you a bit more for this prompt, but I think it could work.

I think it would also answer the second prompt very well. You relate your academic interest to your professional goals easily in the piece as it is, so it's just a matter of meeting the word count for this one.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'success has lost its intrinsic meaning over the years' - mission trip [8]

Good evening :)

I think that you should elaborate a bit further as to the last sentence. I don't think you should begin a new paragraph, just expound a little bit further on this paradigm. Also, in your last paragraph, how do these experiences make you proud?

The rest of the piece is great; very descriptive, yet not too much. It is structured well and organized nicely; it is easy to read and flows smoothly. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'study group' - aspiration for my life - UC Prompt #1#2 [4]

Good evening :)

In regards to the first piece, please see my comments on it previously.

In regards to the second piece, mechanically, you have several short sentences one after another throughout this essay, and I think that is what is giving you the feeling you describe. This results in a choppy flow, and thus your sensation. To resolve this, try combining these shorter sentences with commas or semi colons, as this will smooth out the flow. For instance:

"My acting was not good; actually it was terrible. It was like a textbook reading whenever I said my lines and robotic whenever I made a motion. Everything I did was awkward, and after I experienced the strict, harsh practice, I realized thousands of people would watch my acting. That time, everything became so serious. I had accepted to act on the stage because it just looked fun and interesting, however, I had not realized that it also take a huge responsibility to act in front of people."

Try going back through your piece and see where you think you can condense and link more of these sentences. That will help this a great deal.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1 - Art (freshman applicants) [2]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, make sure your sentences really say what you mean. For instance, did you mean "While I no longer..."?

In regards to content, I think this is a great response. You answer the prompt very well, describing your transformation and the effects of those around you. Very nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I want to be the president of the United States" -UC Personal Statement [4]

Good evening :)

I'll never make you cry!!

Mechanically, make sure that you are ending your sentences with punctuation, including the quotation at the beginning of the sentence. Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and." Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "it's" should be "it is." Avoid using the pronoun "you" in formal academic writing; try using "me," "I," or "one" instead.

In regards to content, I think your introduction links to your conclusion very well, wrapping up the essay nicely. Your explanation of the art contest is detailed enough without being arduous, and it is organized well. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / The worries - UC Personal Statement [4]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, I agree with sukjeffrey's comment. Also, when using "however" as a transitory word, it should be followed by a comma. Make sure you are capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences; as such, "Dad" shouldn't be capitalized. Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "I'm" should be "I am."

In regards to content, as it is I don't think it's as strong a response as it could be. You really need to link your height to the prompt. It is a focal point in the essay, yet it really doesn't answer the question; how has it shaped your dreams and aspirations? Make sure that everything you discuss in the paper relates to those questions in the prompt. If they don't, they shouldn't be included.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'My dealing with depression' - University of Washington Personal Statement [3]

Good evening :)

Wow. What an important piece. Congratulations for having making it down the path far enough so that you are comfortable sharing this experience with other. That takes a great deal of strength.

I think this is a great response to the prompt, and very well planned. Mechanically, make sure you avoid using contractions in formal academic writing; "don't" should be "do not." Also, avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words like "so," "and," or "but."

I think this piece answers the prompt effectively, and with a little mechanical polishing will be a very formidable piece. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I have no idea what world I come from" - UC prompt #1...again [5]

Good evening :)

At the beginning of the piece I wasn't so sure, but by the second paragraph I could see where you were going and really like the "reverse logic" feel of the piece. You definitely grab your audience's attention!

The only mechanical correction I would make is to make sure that you don't begin your sentences with "and."
Other than that, I really like this piece. It is unusual, but in a good sort of way!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC prompt #1 - trouble figuring out the topic about the world I came from [7]

Good evening :)

Excellent changes! I think this is ready to submit; I wouldn't change anything. I think you acknowledge all of the facets of the prompt, it is well organized, and it flows nicely. Great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1 - If you were an admission counselor, what would you think? [19]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, don't begin your sentence with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."
I also agree that you use "father" too much; since the essay is about him, it is safe to use "he" or "him" periodically. I would definitely keep it in that closing sentence for emphasis.

I think this prompt answers the first question, but not the other two; you really don't discuss how it has prepared you for college; you have said that you are a harder worker than before, but you should describe in more depth. Never assume your audience knows what you mean. Also, I don't see how this essay answers what kind of asset you will be to the institution; again, don't assume that your reader will presume anything.

In regards to mechanics in the second piece, see my comments above because they apply to this piece as well. Also, "parent's" should be parents'.

In regards to content, I think this piece flows nicely. How do these expectations and accomplishing them make you proud? I think if you acknowledge that question in your answer it will be a great submission.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #1: "Unconditional Love" - my separate, idealized world [8]

Good evening :)

I think that the subject is definitely a rare one. The prompt opens it up to include "family" and he could someday be a family member. I think that if he is a large part of your environment, he is an appropriate subject. Now, the important thing is how you analyze the rest of the prompt and integrate your relationship with him into it. While the three topics mentioned above are definitely stapes of the admission board, your overall presentation of yourself is also looked at. With that said, how has he helped shape you as a person? It seems like he has given you a great deal of self-confidence; how will this help you in college? You will probably take more academic chances and be a confident student; how does this relate to you being an asset to the college? You will make good grades and do great things. This type of train of thought could be implemented into your piece to make him "more than a boyfriend" and more of a positive force on the person/student you are/will become. If you go at this piece from this angle it will be much more credible, serious, and strong.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1 transfer - Cognitive Science. It made inspired me to further my studies in psychology. [3]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, make sure you are capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences only; as such, "Psychology" shouldn't be capitalized. The general rule for numbers in formal academic writing is that if it is between one and ten, it should be spelled out; if it is 11 or over, it is acceptable to use the numerals.

"...the psychology 1 professor I took..." this is awkward and should be rephrased. Where did you take her?

Avoid contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate. For instance, "We've" should be "We have."

In regards to content, I like your topic; it is not "run of the mill" and that will help your piece stand out. I like your organization as well; this makes the piece easy to read as it stays on topic and move smoothly. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'one thousand different answers' - Texas Lutheran University Personal Statement [5]

Good evening :)

In regards to mechanics, when you are making a list such as you have the semi-colons are inappropriate. Also, make sure that you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For instance, "Biology" shouldn't be capitalized. In regards to spelling, I suggest you run the piece through Word or the Mozilla web browser for submission.

In regards to content, I like your organization. Answering prompts like this with such a restrictive word count is difficult, but I think you've done a fine job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" - Christmas party; UC / World I come from [4]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate; for example, "it's" should be "it is."

Make sure that you are including your punctuation inside of your quotation marks; for example, "Santa", should be "Santa,"

I like those adjectives! How about "eccentric," "quizzical," or "whimsical"?

What is it about this get-together that has shaped your aspirations? I suggest analyzing this part of the prompt a little deeper; otherwise, I think it's a great piece! Good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Poli Sci Major UC Transfer Personal Statement (opinions required) [7]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, make sure not to use contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate; for instance, "didn't" should be "did not." Also, make sure you are capitalizing only proper nouns and the first words of sentences; for instance, "Political Science" shouldn't be capitalized.

In regards to content, I agree with the other members' opinions; I also like the revisions to the opening paragraph. I like your description and example; it is very appropriate for this prompt.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Born and raised in Abu Dhabi" - UC prompt 1 - Off topic?? Advice needed. [18]

Much better! The whole piece sticks to the same topic now; great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Why do you want to study abroad? Is this SoP ok for M.Sc. Pet. Engrg? [9]

Well, it should match the question in the prompt. For instance, this piece (as it is) might not work for a prompt that asks about the influence of a specific event on you, but it might work with one that wants you to discuss what you plan to do with the degree you have obtained.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Confusion about UC prompt #1, any additional examples? [5]

How about hobbies or food?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / SOP help - what am I supposed to write? [2]

Good evening :)

A SOP is a detailed description of the career the applicant intends to pursue after graduation, or a brief and focused essay about one's career or research goals. I'm not sure that this really fits that criteria. While your piece is very intriguing, it contains a lot of expressionistic phrasing, making it not so brief or focused. For example, how does the first statement and the following paragraph describe the career you want to pursue once you graduate, your career, or research goals. If it doesn't fit into those categories, it should be removed.

The SOP is just that; a statement. It should be clear, concise, and to the point. It really isn't the appropriate place for much creative writing material. Keep the focus and purpose of the statement of purpose in mind when writing, and you'll be fine.

Hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC Admissions Essays (for transfer) - Keeping it Simple [6]

In that case, I suggest something like this:

"I hope that you are able to look past my admittedly numerous withdrawals from classes, and be able to see the dedicated student the I strive to be. I hope that your university will see the member of the workforce I will become, making your institution proud to be the university on my resume. Most of all, I hope you grant me the opportunity to become the first person in my family to complete college."

A change in tone makes all the difference. :)

Undergraduate / Short answer, reasons for applying to Wellesley - need help editting [2]

Good evening :)

Your first paragraph is clean; I wouldn't change anything.

In the second paragraph, make sure you put "the" in front of "National Science...".

I would change the last sentence to "I" instead of "me." There are some that are comfortable with the "(other noun) and me" theory, but my personal comfort level says "Wellesley College and I." However, it is your piece so it is up to you :)

I think this is a great answer to the prompt; I believe it answers the question fully. Good work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Scholarship / How Will This Scholarship Help Me Attain My Career Goal essay. [2]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences; for instance, "Scholarship" and "Information Systems" shouldn't be capitalized.

In regards to content, I think you have a very formal, appropriate piece here. You explain how it will help you, why it will help you get to your goal, and what you will do with this opportunity. A very nice piece; good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Each country has taught me things - UC Prompt 2 Three Cultures [3]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, make sure you are placing commas after each item in your list. For example, "...life, liberty, and the..."

In regards to content, I think this is a great answer to the prompt. You explain the experience, why it makes you proud, and how it has changed you. It is organized well, is fluid, and is easy to read. Great job!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "my parents to teach and groom" - short 150 word response. [7]

Good evening :)

What was the assumption, bias, or prejudice that you overcame to understand others that were different of you in this piece? You clarify that you overcame your feelings about your parents' dependence on you, but your feelings were what you overcame. What exactly was that feeling? Was it assumption, bias, or prejudice? Please clarify further to make sure your audience stays with you.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Alex and Su essay (the Monkey King and Alexander the Great) common app [6]

Into detail about what? What is "the?"

I think that if you clarify (such as you did in this posting) the association it will be easier for your readers.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Describing a time in which your friends and teachers supported you through a tough time [15]

Put it all together; what do you think of it? Do you think it needs more?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Norwalk Titans football team" - UC Prompt #2 In need of revision [5]

In that case, I think you've done a fine job answering the prompt!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'College life / Cortland apple' - Transfer Essays [5]

Good evening :)

As I said before, these prompts want to know about specific instances or occurrences in your life; comparing yourself to an apple doesn't answer that prompt. What experience, volunteer work, internships and employment, or participation in student organizations and activities does being a "brand-less product" explain? What have you gained by being a "brand-less" product?

These pieces don't relate to the questions at all, so figuring out how to adapt them to fit the questions should be your focus.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Panorama City + I cried - Improved UCI PS Prompt #1 & #2 - Help me out [2]

Good evening :)

Mechanically, make sure that you aren't using contractions in formal academic writing; for example, "it's" should be "it is." Also, make sure when you use quotation marks that your punctuation is inside of them. For instance, "white-washed". should be "white-washed."

In regards to content, I don't see where you explain how this move shaped your dreams and goals. Make sure you fully answer the prompt; acknowledge all facets of it in your essay.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Trip to Europe: my curious traits - UC essay [5]

Good afternoon :)

Some mechanical corrections. First, avoid contractions in formal academic writing. For instance, "didn't" should be "did not." Also, avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."

In regards to content, great job! The only thing I wonder is how this curiosity makes you proud? More expansion on that would greatly improve the piece. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "My high school experience was different" - UC Undergraduate Prompt #2 [5]

Good evening :)

In regards to your grammatical/mechanical concerns, if you can get a hold of a copy, The Little, Brown Compact Handbook by Jane E. Aaron would be a great tool for you that I think would help you out immensely. You might be able to check it out from a library, or you can find it for sale on Amazon.com. This is a great book that covers everything from spelling and mechanics to clarity and style; any questions you have I'll guarantee you can find in this book. Another good one is The Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers by Stephen Reid. It's much cheaper, but you could also probably find this one at the library.

Also, don't wait until the last sentence to describe why/how you are proud of this, or why/how it has effected you as a person; try to weave that in throughout your piece. Otherwise, it tends to look like it was added on as an afterthought.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC Admissions Essays (for transfer) - Keeping it Simple [6]

Good evening :)

I agree that you could use a brush up on mechanics and grammar. If you can get a hold of a copy, The Little, Brown Compact Handbook by Jane E. Aaron would be a great tool for you that I think would help you out immensely. You might be able to check it out from a library, or you can find it for sale on Amazon.com. This is a great book that covers everything from spelling and mechanics to clarity and style; any questions you have I'll guarantee you can find in this book. Another good one is The Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers by Stephen Reid. It's much cheaper but you could also probably find this one at the library.

"My first move to prepare myself for my major was to realize that I had sold myself short when I chose my first college out of high school. From the moment I stepped on campus, I realized that this was not the academically stimulating environment that I had hoped for, and after two months I left that school for community college to better prepare myself for UC ."

In regards to sociology from a business standpoint, why not say that in your essay? If it's too difficult, best to leave it out.

In regards to the second piece, how does this make you proud and how did it change/effect the person you currently are?

In regards to the third piece, it is best not to draw any attention to the more negative aspects of one's academic career; if you choose to answer this prompt, I suggest picking another topic altogether. Also, the tone is very passive and it comes across as a weak piece. Definitely not a good thing.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Been a student, but not a teacher" -Common app short question 156 to 150 [5]

You're very welcome.

I do think the second one is a more appropriate response; it acknowledges the prompt more analytically.

Undergraduate / "Born in France" - UC prompt 1 and 2 [8]

Good afternoon :)

First, some mechanical comments. Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "so," "but," or "and."

"Since I am a baby" should be "Since I was a baby."

"I enjoy to go to school to study" should be "I enjoy going to school and studying."

Italian is a proper noun and should be capitalized.

Your grammar is pretty rough, and to help with that , I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here. Also, the Little Brown Compact Handbook by Jane E. Aaron is a great book to help with grammar and mechanics, if you can get a copy; I don't know if you can find this one as easily at a library.

In regards to content, I believe you have a good start to both of these pieces. In regards to the second piece, what about this trip to California makes you proud, and how did it change the person you are now?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com