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Posts by Zeinab1383
Joined: May 3, 2010
Last Post: Sep 25, 2011
Threads: 5
Posts: 43  

From: Islamic Republic of Iran

Displayed posts: 48 / page 1 of 2
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Zeinab1383   
May 24, 2010
Graduate / "International MSc in Entrepreneurship Education & Training" application letter [7]

Dear,
I am going to apply for International Master in Entrepreneurship Education and Training (IMEET) programme. I have not too much time because my deadline is close and I would be grateful if you could have a corrective look at my essay and give me a feedback.

The vision of IMEET is to develop and run a unique international learning space targeting learning facilitators in entrepreneurship such as advisors, coaches, consultants, trainers and teachers.

I am sorry for any obvious mistake :D

...
Briefly describe what you expect from the IMEET Programme.
Iran's high inflation and unemployment rate, lack of academic knowledge beside my interest for entrepreneurship, creativity and innovation concepts motivated me to apply for IMEET programme; therefore I look forward that IMEET programme complement and sharpen my academic and practical knowledge on the mentioned arenas to master in the facilitation of entrepreneurship learning and consulting arena.

We live in a changing world, so knowledge of standard situations and the routine ways of dealing them is not sufficient and new ideas are needed to design our way in to the future. I have also recognized that critical thinking is excellent but it is not enough and we need generative, productive and creative thinking so I expect IMEET teach me "what can be" instead of "what is"; And I wish to learn how to instruct constructive thinking.

I know this is hard for many people to imagine themselves as entrepreneurs and be responsible for their own income, especially when they have no experience in doing so; consequently I wish IMEET programme equip me with pedagogical tools for appraising entrepreneurship ideas and business plans and also strengthen my knowledge on situated learning theories as well as innovative methodologies to build an entrepreneurship culture.

I trust the world class learning environment of ASB IMEET programme give me the opportunity to interact with and learn from best professors and participants with different cultures and backgrounds to become skilled at the field of entrepreneurship arena.

I desire the programme focus on different theoretical descriptions of the entrepreneurship process, the phases involved and the process of organizing the entrepreneurial venture.
By doing field work of IMEET in an international environment, I hope to be equipped with methodological ability to carry out practical studies of entrepreneurship learning facilitation to build

I hope team based assignments of IMEET also develop my communication and team work ability.
Finally I hope by attending IMEET can give back to my community.
Zeinab1383   
May 25, 2010
Graduate / "International MSc in Entrepreneurship Education & Training" application letter [7]

Hi, I made some changes on my essay. Would you review it again?

Briefly describe what you expect from the IMEET Programme.

Iran's high inflation and unemployment rates, lack of knowledge beside my interest for entrepreneurship, creativity and innovation motivated me to apply for IMEET programme; so I expect the programme give me a new and wide perspective on the concepts and role of creativity, innovation and enterprising behavior.

I also expect the IMEET integrate practical experiences with theoretical studies, allowing me to apply my knowledge in actual work.

I know it is hard for many people to imagine themselves as entrepreneurs and be responsible for their own income, especially when they have no experience in doing so; I hope IMEET will expand my skills within entrepreneurship teaching and learning facilitation so I can make an efficient and effective contribution to create a new innovative learning culture.

Moreover, I expect IMEET pedagogical methods enable me to choose effective mode of teaching, appropriate language and responds for any situation as well as increase my Understanding of the audience's requirements and key concerns.
Zeinab1383   
May 25, 2010
Essays / Living at home and living away from home [15]

babyevy
Dear
I know that I am not good at English grammar so I can't edit your essay. But I can give you some feedback about your essay.

You wrote "they do not realize that living at home has more benefits compared to living away from home." it's kind of offense to people who choose living away from home and I think it's better you do not decide which kind of living style is better than other because it depends on the personality and needs of people. I think it's better to compare two kind of living style without making any choice.

So you can write about how living at home with family members has a significant role on improvement of qualities such as respecting other people ideas and choices, teamwork skills and so on.
Zeinab1383   
May 26, 2010
Scholarship / Ambition to become an oustanding commodity trader (Postgraduate Economics program) [11]

Hi!
Your entire essay is about your memories and experiences. You wrote:"I always keep in mind the importance of my contributions to surround communities." better to explain why contribution to communities is important.

"My spirit to work for the good of my community continuescontinuedwhen I returned after graduation."
Zeinab1383   
May 26, 2010
Writing Feedback / Classification essay- Modern students's learning style [5]

HUTAllen
-you wrote: "That is the only way we use to collect knowledge from all over the world." i disagree. there are many other ways to collect knowledge such as watchin, listening or eveb touching.

-you wrote: "Until now, this I have dealt with not only remains but also is divided into many modes. Nowadays is exceptional" I do not understand your sentence.

-in my country the lazy students who prefer to use online projects and articles fall in the third category too.
Zeinab1383   
Jun 1, 2010
Graduate / Essay on"your career plans & how this programme will help you attain your goals?" [8]

Dear all
I am going to apply for International Master in Entrepreneurship Education and Training (IMEET) programme and this is one of the essays I should submit. I would be more than happy if you could kindly check coherency, transparency and structure of my essay.

The vision of this programme is to create an elite of teachers, trainers,and consultants who can contribute both to the fostering of entrepreneurial individuals and to the development of entrepreneurial organizations.

-------------------------------

Describe your career plans and how this programme will help you attain your goals.

Today the business world is facing challenges associated with downsizing big businesses, as well as major reduction in the size of governments. In the near future, information will be replaced by the creativity and entrepreneurship will be a key foundation of future business world by introducing new jobs and ideas.

Because of my strong belief in importance of entrepreneurship, working within entrepreneurship field is my long term career objective. I know in order to work efficient and effective, I first should gain a great depth of theoretical and practical knowledge on the entrepreneurship and get the necessary qualifications to do well. IMEET enables me to do this by combining theory based and practice oriented learning models.

My experience as a teacher also motivated me to apply for this programme. One of my functions as insurance expert is teaching life insurance policies and company web base system to agents. This experience came very natural to me. By a mutual feedback, I tried to know what comes best to my classes and find appropriate and innovative methods to transfer my knowledge and also motivating them for learning. It was a valuable experience to me. Until now, I have successfully trained more than 150 agents. IMEET will strengthen me in this arena by concentration on knowledge of didactics, pedagogy and learning process.

I want to help young people might be possible to become an entrepreneur and control their destiny free from any restraints the world of work has on them. It is a challenge for many of them to consider themselves as entrepreneurs, especially when they have no experience in doing so. It is my desire to help them to see opportunities and possibilities to find ideas that might be new and different and IMEET programme as an extremely innovative programme will help me to achieve my goal.

Furthermore, the interaction among the participants of IMEET programme with a range of experience in the field of entrepreneurship will enhance everyone's prospects for success as a consultant or teacher in entrepreneurship; that will simultaneously enrich the learning environment.

IMEET international environment will also give me the opportunity to share with other participants the notion that we have risen from a culture and grown up, studied and worked in environments entirely different. Sure participants would have interesting stories and ideas about success, failure, gain, loss and also prominent entrepreneurs of our countries.
Zeinab1383   
Jun 6, 2010
Graduate / Essay on"your career plans & how this programme will help you attain your goals?" [8]

-Many thanks Kevin and Linmark. Your tips were really great. I tried to make some changes on my essay considering your guidances but I feel there is a gap between paragraph "My experience as a teacher also...." and rest of my essay. Would you revise my essay again?

-Dear Charz, It is IMEET (International MSc in Entrepreneurship Education & Training). Thank you for reading my essay.

****************************************
Zeinab1383   
Jun 9, 2010
Graduate / "give an objective description of yourself including your strengths & weaknesses" [9]

Dear all, i would be happy if you read my essay and give me a feedback.
****************************

Please give an objective description of yourself including your strengths and weaknesses

It is very challenging to write about my own strengths and weaknesses, because sometimes there is a huge gap between what I think I am and what I really am! To get an objective description I tried to ask my friends and colleagues who know me very well that what they think about me.

I think one of my distinguishing strength is the diversity of experiences I possess. I have studied management in the only English language university of Iran and I have more than 5 years of full time and part time work experience at different industries. All these elements have given me a very broad point of view.

While studying at ***, with students from different countries, and working at United Nation High Commissioner for Refugees (UNHCR), I was exposed to cultural diversities. Those were Valuable experiences which helped me to learn how to work effectively with people from all backgrounds and easily blend with different people to achieve shared goals and optimal results.

In addition, I always try to care about those around me regardless of their wealth or social class. I make an effort to show respect and treat all persons with dignity without distinction whatsoever of race, gender, religion, national or any other distinguishing feature. Working at UNHCR as a humanitarian organization helped me to improve this quality.

It is more than one year I am working as Insurance Expert and I have to support and have communication with over 400 agents. Daily I receive many mails and phone calls so I learned when any conflict occurs, I express my disagreements in constructive ways that focus on the issue and not the person.

My experiences also have taught me that my success strongly depends on my accountability level. Therefore, in any activity, I seek to assume responsibility for the deliverance of high quality outcomes in both good and bad times, and take ownership of all responsibilities within my own role.

By joining a team, I challenge others to excel my sense of community, creative thinking and persistence in finding answers to the questions rather than ignoring them and expect others to do the same. Moreover, I encourage my teammates to explore the problem from different angles in order to come to mutual acceptable compromises and a practical solution to the dispute with a focus on maintaining a functioning work environment. this is the way I trust I can help to maintain a high working standard for a team. Our department successfully could increase its portfolio more than 200% and it was not possible without a high quality team activity.

Like any normal person, I have far and wide weaknesses but the point is that I try to use my strength to overcome my weaknesses.

I get a bad attitude when my colleagues do not do their best or when they do not care about improving procedures to work more effectively because it always has done like that.

I am also too patient. May at the first glance it seems a strength but not about me. I usually try to be patient about bad behavior or mistakes of others instead of talking about it and finally I get angry and reflect in a bad way.

Sometimes since I think I am the only one who can do things right, I can't trust others to delegate my authorities and responsibilities.

I am also frank about my viewpoint. In my culture to be too frank is not appreciated and this trait usually causes many problems for me because it seems I am the only one who disagrees!

Finally I know to have a successful life both in personal and career, I need to know myself. And I am working not only to strengthen my strength but also improve my weaknesses.
Zeinab1383   
Jun 9, 2010
Undergraduate / My Story So Far + Life's Surprise - Essay for transfer student [3]

I realized that were all humans

I realized that we were all humans

This doesn't mean I got to abide by these reasons

It doesn't mean

figure out what I want my life to become.

figure out what I want in my life to become

My next step in life was Hawaii. My mother, who moved to California from Hawaii

My mother who
Zeinab1383   
Jun 14, 2010
Writing Feedback / Television- A Boon or a Bane? [6]

but can't seem to live without.

but seems can't live without it.

Entertainment in the home can be very challenging for the most loving families

I think "at home", but I am not sure

but, it is true indeed!

but it is true
Zeinab1383   
Jun 15, 2010
Writing Feedback / TOEFL- Violent Media [6]

Dear Nesreen, I wanted to say thank you for editing my essay. I read your essay but it seems Silkesha has done all the corrections!

Just in paragraph 3, "Besides, media provoking children to be more aggressive or hostile towards others," I think you have repeated "aggressive" too many times and it is better to delete or change it.
Zeinab1383   
Jun 21, 2010
Student Talk / How can I contribute to this awesome website? [40]

This is a great website and I am really happy to find it!
I didn't imagine to find any website which edits my essays with no thought of reward!!! I do my best to contribute to this website and I am sorry if my contribution limits to give my personal impression about essays because I am not sure about my English language.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you all how grateful I am for your feedbacks, corrections and comments.
Bests;
Zeinab1383   
Jun 23, 2010
Writing Feedback / I will live in small village. There are many reasons. [10]

Dear vaishali1980, I am not sure about corrections I have done but I think:

but I have choice, I will live in small village

but my choice is living in a smalle village

First of all, the reason is pollution.

The first reason is pollution

Many people staying in a big city, it has increase pollution.

Peoples' willing to live in big cities has increased the pollution

Is time problem in big city? Yes, this is

Yes, thisit is

They leave from office early in the morning and come back late at night.

from office????? did you mean home???

They don't have sufficient time to spend for family

to spend withtheir family families

[quote=vaishali1980]there are vary less affection

there is lack of affection

as a village has less resources and job opportunity other side has a benefit.

However a village has less resources and job opportunities , other side has benefits
Zeinab1383   
Jul 3, 2010
Letters / 1st application letter for Life information science [3]

Dear Ryan, I think there are following mistakes in your essay. sure Kevin or one of the forum moderator will give you great help and ideas!

and the importance of it

Its importance

one of the nation's key universities and one of seven key universities in national defense since 1960s,

I think it's better to use another word instead of Key such as recognized. national is not better than nation? or you can write:

one of the recognized national universities among top seven universities...

I had led a digital circuit design team, which improved my

I had also worked as part of an analog circuit research team, which needed

your kindly reply

It would be a great honor for me if given an opportunity to pursue further studies at your highly esteemed university.

It is a great honor for me to have this opportunity to pursue further studies at your ...
Zeinab1383   
Jul 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Concerning Transfer Admission to University of Texas: Statement of Purpose Essay [5]

Dear
I read your essay and as you are native English, I can't suggest or correct your essay structure! Just you have changed your narrator from "I" to "he" in one paragraph, I am sorry but it was not interesting for me.

And one question for myself: is it usual to say "I was born"?
Zeinab1383   
Jul 24, 2010
Graduate / Statement of Purpose -Master Buildings Science and Technology [4]

Hi! I hope the following corrections be useful

I consider it is our responsibility as designer of the future to create a thoughtful integration of architecture with electrical

I consider as designers of the future, it is our responsibility to creat a thoughtful integretion..

architecture competitions promoting sustainable architecture, such as ISOVER Annual Competition

The most relevant is ARKA, an annual Festival for architects and future architects.

I didn't understand your sentence. the most relevent what?

I got to understand all the factors and decisions that are involved in the complex process of a project, from concept to completion

I gained perspective on all factors invloving in ....

It helped me to gain a

because I consider it to be theis the perfect combination betweenof architecture and civil engineering with a strong ecological component.

will establish a foundation for achievingto achieve my goals as an ecology architect.

I feel the help and guidance that can be provided to me by the distinguished faculty of your university will be invaluable.

I believe that distinguished faculty of your university will provide me with unique and invaluable help and guidance to achieve my aspirations.
Zeinab1383   
Oct 19, 2010
Graduate / A re-applicant to the NUS MBA Programme - list my achievements or write an essay? [6]

Hi everybody! I need your help again!!!!
I am applying for NUS MBA programme for the third year! One of the questions is "If you are a re-applicant to the NUS MBA Programme or its Double Degree programmes, please describe any achievements you have made since your last application."

Would you give me some idea? You think to list my achievements or write an essay.
Zeinab1383   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / Hosting a charity event-Common App short [11]

Hi Yiheng Ren
I really loved your essay. especially this part

Rather than succumbing to my defeat, I continued to urge others to participate ...

I can use it in my future essays ;)
I tried to make some changes and compress your essay!

It was last Christmas that for the first time I perceived my own ignorance . As I planned for my Christmas charity event, I overlooked a vital factor which is that participants are of paramount ...

I have always thought that people were are all passionate as I am and they would be delighted to participate .
... after I handed out my invitations . Some excuses, which are actually ...
Perhaps my sincerity made them think I was also naiveté.
... urge others to participate and advocated child poverty in our school and neighbou rhoods.
My persistency, to some extent, made me to do some seemingly ridiculous actions. I remember clearly that as I slipped an invitation through my neighbour's ...
Zeinab1383   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / Hosting a charity event-Common App short [11]

Hi Yiheng Ren
I really loved your essay. especially this part

Rather than succumbing to my defeat, I continued to urge others to participate and advocated child poverty in our school and neighbourhoods.

I can use it in my future essays ;)
I tried to make some changes and compress your essay!

It was last Christmas that for the first time I perceived my own ignorance . As I planned for my Christmas charity event, I overlooked a vital factor which is that participants are of paramount ... I have always thought that people wereare all passionate as I am and they would be delighted to participate .

... after I handed out my invitations . Some excuses,which are actually from adults, were outright lies. Perhaps my sincerity made them think I was also naiveté. At certain times, I just completely refused to give in. My persistency, to some extent, made me to do some seemingly ridiculous actions. I remember clearly that as I slipped an invitation ...

... I continued to urge others to participate and advocated child poverty in our school and neighbou rhoods.

It is now 161 words. may you yourself can delet some words.I also rearranged some sentences.

It was last Christmas. As I planned for my charity event, I overlooked a vital factor which is participants are of paramount importance to the entire event. I have always thought that people are all passionate as I am. However, I was utterly disappointed after I handed out my invitations. Some excuses from adults, were outright lies. At certain times, I just completely refused to give in. I remember that as I slipped an invitation through my neighbour's door, the paper was shoved back out. Forgetting proper demeanour, I forced the paper back in. Although my neighbour may see that paper as nothing but trouble, I see it as an embodiment of my passion, desire and hope. To deny that paper, was as the same as to demolish my dream. Rather than succumbing to my defeat, I continued to urge others to participate and advocate child poverty in our school and neighborhoods. Thus, my continuing endeavour to success was eventually achieved.
Zeinab1383   
Nov 20, 2010
Graduate / "my knowledge in the marketing arena" - Describe any achievements you have made [5]

Hi everybody!
It is the question:
"If you are a re-applicant to the NUS MBA Programme or its Double Degree programmes, please describe any achievements you have made since your last application."

and it is the essay I have written! would you check it and give me a feedback?

"It is the third year in row I am applying for NUS MBA programme. The last year I was lucky to be shortlisted for the interview but unfortunately, I was not successful. So, I decided to improve my qualifications.

In this regard, I took part in two international conferences. The first one was "Marketing and selling of life insurance policies" in which Kevin Kelly internationally acclaimed motivational speaker on entrepreneurship, leadership, sales, creativity and personal excellence talked in it.

Mr. Mehdi Fakharzadeh one of the most successful insurance agents was another lecturer of the conference. Five members of MDRT (The Million Dollar Round Table) also talked about their experiences and methods of marketing.

The second one was international selling conference. Sylvia Perreault, trainer and coach in proud success, Richard Denny, an inspirational business speaker from UK were two of the lecturers.

These conferences helped me to remember how important the knowledge and dream is in my life. Therefore, I decided to apply for the NUS MBA for the third year to achieve my dream of continuing education in a prestigious university.

My paper, "Marketing of life insurance policies; a practical experience" was accepted in the third national conference of "improvement of Iran Insurance Industry".

To expand my knowledge in the marketing arena, I have started reading
To have a better focus on our department operations and optimize our performance, I am learning SPSS."
Zeinab1383   
Nov 29, 2010
Graduate / "to share knowledge and help others" - Additional information MBA Admission [2]

Hi
I think your essay has not coherency and you have mentioned many belifes one afetr another one.

because you are losing a mentor

because of losing a mentor

Because of the foundation of values she had instilled in me,I learned to overcome obstacles with equanimity.Moreover with these values,I approach every aspects of my life with same passion and dedication.

... i learned not only to overcome obstacles with equanimity but also to approach every aspects of my life with same passion and dedication.

As a professional now, I still feel a deep sense of respect for hard work whenever I see it,regardless of its nature.Moreover, this understanding puts me in a better position to cooperate with all levels of personnel in a company,or more generally with people from all different backgrounds.

the deep sense of respect to hardworking, puts me as a professional in a better aposition to cooperate with all people from different background and organizational levels.

opens lots of avenues to better their lives

is avenues a correct word for this sentence?

-Would you comment on my latest thread:""my knowledge in the marketing arena" - Describe any achievements you have made "
Zeinab1383   
Nov 30, 2010
Graduate / "an aptitude for research and team work" - SOP for Computer Engineering [2]

It was very impressive and I could not find any grammar mistake (I am not sure about courses).Just you can talk more about your characteristics, social and sport life.

As I have been well groomed to flourish myself in this field

I liked it!

I will be stimulated throughout the courses of my studies

*I am sorry, but would you comment on my latest Thread:" "my knowledge in the marketing arena" - Describe any achievements you have made"
Zeinab1383   
Dec 1, 2010
Graduate / The area of Marketing - SOP for PhD [6]

Hi Seema!
do you have 2 Master degree? Mathematics and MBA? because you wrote you were selected for a master programme in Mathematics.

I believe that academic field gives the an opportunity to continuously learning and shareing knowledge with the society

In 2003, I was selected in XYZ University, considered as one of the best technical Universities in India, for the MSc. (Hons) programme and majored in Mathematics.

After completing my graduation, I was placed in a reputed IT consulting firm in India. But I declined the offer because I wanted to pursue research career and decided to go for higher education.

After garduation I had an offer from a reputed IT consulting firm in India. But I declined it because I wanted to pursue research career and go for higher education.

I decided to pursue an MBA program from the same University (XYZ) since this university allows students to become a Teaching Assistant (TA) while studying for a postgraduate programme.

I chose the MBA programme from the same university (XYZ) because I had a chance to become a Teaching Assistant (TA) while studying.

but also help me to pursue my goal of becoming an academic researcher

Therefore, when I got another chance to do dissertation as a part of my MBA program, I saw it as

would you comment on my last thread "my knowledge in the marketing arena"? Tnx
Zeinab1383   
Dec 1, 2010
Graduate / Physical therapy: personal characteristics and motivating factors, PTCAS [2]

I know that I can make a positive impact on people's lives not only by helping them, but by showing them that I want to help them.

I liked it!

I think you have clearly talked about motivations and factors. But the first paragraph is too negative. Instead of focus on the negative points of your experience and show it as a 100% mistake, you can talk about its positive effects and how study psychology could help you to succeed in physical therapy. Because I think, the psychology helps for better understanding of people and since you have face-to-face interactions with people who need help, you can utilize your previous experience.
Zeinab1383   
Dec 4, 2010
Graduate / Post grad motivation letter (MSc in Mechanical Engineering) [6]

Hi Saurav

I was always curious about the amazing stuffs. From simple toys to flying machines, it always fascinated me .

The important thing I learned was the attraction and admiration for those objects that are the mechanical wonders.

I didn't understand your sentence:(

my analytical brain to grow and get sharpen.

However, the flying machine never stopped wondering me.

You have repeated it twice. i think it is better to change as the follow:

to grow and get sharpen. However, the most enigmatic was those flying machines. As I grew up, I did not stop fixing things, even my friends desktop computer's Central Processing Unit, CPU. However, the flying machine never stopped wondering me . However, the most enigmatic was those flying machines I came to know it is a science of Aeronautics and I decided to be one.

since you are I was the sole and sovereign guide

Armed with Bachelor degree is just not enough in today's competitive world. You need to be equipped with the arsenal of higher degree and experience at the same time.

I liked it!

Netherland caught my eyes located near Germany

located in the brain port of the Netherland was the first thing caught my attention

You have repeated some phrases too many times!

Meanwhile , as per as the job aspect in

Meanwhile it is the only subject closest to Aeronautics

Meanwhile it has collaboration with other renowned university

Another repeated word!

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