Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]


Haha...that didn't help much, did it?
Actually, the one I've posted here is not for any specific university. It's just a template of sorts which I mold according to the university I apply.


Both. How can I explain this? Let me try...

You are applying for course A, and you want a career in B. Now the course A being taught at the university has something unique. It's so unique that it will give your career of B, a definite edge. In your case, let's say A is computer engineering, and B is music composer.

Did you understand anything? I'm really bad at explaining things :(

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

Yep, pretty much :)

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

Hey this looks good.
You have an amazing vocabulary. I had to check the dictionary quite a few times.


Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think it should be "tones ".

The last paragraph seems excellent -- it's very specific.


That's a really cool phrase :)

Writing Feedback / GRE-The arts reveal the otherwise hidden ideas and impulses of a society. [7]

I think you need a comma here
social phenomenon, and the purpose of the social arts

This classification may sounds very abstract

Some examples will beare given below.

concert in 1824, he turned to writing

Here it should be a semi-colon
he was very poor and he is badly ill; his artworks involved his own emotions and feelings obviously that common people hardly understand understood
^^Don't switch from past to present tense in the same sentence.

impulses of a society but sometime not always.

This is a good essay. I liked the ideas you presented. You also substantiated them properly. Just look out for those grammar errors. Otherwise, a job well done.

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue: The intellectual benefits of attending a university or college are vast [3]


You haven't even mentioned your arguments. So how can the reasons be "obvious". The introduction needs some work.


The second part of the sentence is confusing. I couldn't come up with a suggestion. Can you clarify it?

Oh, I see, what you're trying to say. Do you mean to say that some people may lose their focus on the other subjects if they only concentrate on their interests, and hence, these people should choose the self study option?

^^Whatever maybe the case, you are not being clear.


This is another one I didn't understand.

The majority of people would find a four-year education from university or college is essential forto their success.

First of all, a university or college

lots of experienced instructors who do not only give knowledge,

Use the indefinite article 'a' while using the singular form of university. Like this -- a university or college

Undergraduate / Artwork, Common App: Describe a creative work that has influenced you and why [9]


I don't hear laughter after watching movies like "The Blair Witch Project" or "Saw". Of course, if the bad guy has a really chilling or stupid laugh...

Do you get what I'm implying? You just need to tweak the sentence slightly.


Instead of all those words, you could have used just four. -- I like "ABC" movies (ABC = genre).

love at age eleven with Nemo, Marlin, Dory, and their underwater world along with everyone else


I don't like the simile. I also think there is something wrong with the sentence. I can't seem to point out where.

You don't seem to stick with the conventions of paragraphing. Despite that, I enjoyed reading this essay. It has a nice theme...good luck!

Undergraduate / Artwork, Common App: Describe a creative work that has influenced you and why [9]


No, not at all. At least, I have no problem. I actually like it the way you've written it.

I'm not sure about others though.

Graduate / Personal Statement for MSc in Biochemical Engineering (only the intro) [6]

Thank you, Maria!! :)


Haha...you're doing just fine.


Thanks for clearing that confusion. I've been unsure of that for a while.


Actually, I was wondering about the conversation part -- the direct speech and stuff.


Hahaha...:D :D

Undergraduate / Ties, Girls and Universal Primary Education. Common App Essay. [6]

Wow! I don't think I've read a better essay on this forum. This is very impressive.

Just one thing:
The prompt says, "...a significant experience...".
I might be wrong, but I think it means "one" significant experience. You, however, are describing the overall experience of being in M.U.N.

IMO, it would have been better to talk about one particular experience you've had in M.U.N.
Again, this is just my opinion. You can disagree.

Undergraduate / "Over-ambitious procrastinator" or how to start my commonapp essay? [6]


It's the same in India. You wouldn't believe if I told you what practices take place in the rural areas. This is the reason why sex determination was banned in India.


These should be capitalized, like this -- Jhumpa Lahiri, The Namesake and Unaccustomed Earth.


This one is an unnecessary sentence.


Can you write these two sentences in a better way? I mean, can you specifically say what is the most interesting aspect about Jacobs?

her MBBS programme that she's now studying Architectarchitecture

Samridhi, you have written a nice essay. You just need to condense it. Cut some additional stuff out. Look for ideas you have repeated.

I can empathize with your situation. I've seen a lot of incidents like that.

I hope you get admitted, and find "samridhi" in your life. :)

Graduate / Personal Statement for MSc in Biochemical Engineering (only the intro) [6]


It's cool then, I guess.


Okay, I see. I'll work on that.
By the way, I WAS animated in that discussion, but I totally get your point.

Thank you both :)

Undergraduate / Music: elaborating on an extracurricular-feedback! [3]

Instead of using the first sentence, I'd start the essay with "I started violin lessons at age four."
It would give an interesting start. It would also make the second sentence look nicer, which right now seems a bit cumbersome.


a vague phrase.


I'm not sure, but did you use the word "ensemble" correctly here? I mean, grammatically?
I don't know a lot of grammar; maybe, that's why it seemed a bit weird to me.

Graduate / MS in Banking and Finance SOP (too generic? any inconsistencies?) [4]


This is a needless assertion. Just concentrate on yourself; forget the others.


Okay, this looks nice, but what is the purpose of including this? Is this supposed to be a "hook" or something? Frankly, for me, it was a distraction.


I agree. I've used that observation in one of my essays too, although, the usage and context were quite different.


Yes, this is generic.


Why don't you elaborate a bit?

You have a cool writing style. Revise and this essay will come out great. :)

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]


Note the red ones.
Irrespective of which one you choose, you should be specific. "Helping humanity" is an overused and vague phrase. Think for sometime, and I'm sure you'll come up with a better one. You must have had a few significant experiences which motivated you to pursue psychology. Think about those, and write a sentence about one of them.


Yep, I think so.


Actually, I won't use the word "eccentric" as it is often used pejoratively. The rest is fine.


Did you use "redolent" correctly? I thought it's used like "breathing in the air redolent with _____"


"Historic is usually used to describe something that is so important that it is likely to be remembered: Today is a historic occasion for our country.

Historical usually describes something that is connected with the past or with the study of history, or something that really happened in the past: I have been doing some historical research.ÇWas Robin Hood a historical figure?"

[Source: Oxford Advanced Learner's Dictionary]


It's actually called "Salt March to Dandi" or simply, "Dandi March".

Why do they ask all these questions? All these make the entrance exams in India look a whole lot nicer.

Writing Feedback / CBEST essay (Hiking and camping): Memorable childhood experience [3]


Don't repeat the prompt.
You can start like -- Some events have the power...

Hiking and camping with my parents for athe first time when I was young was one such positive experience

I was a ten-year-old kid at the time


"Nearby" is one word.

Undergraduate / "The Unlikely Candidate": Give background; collegiate ambitions; why this college [3]


"Next generation" is a very broad term. It would be better if you just say, "...and that of my child/children".


I would elaborate a bit on paralegal studies.


I didn't like this sentence. It just seems like banal flattery. You can definitely write a better sentence.


I don't know why, but I like this sentence a lot.

Good luck! Your essay was weirdly motivating.

Undergraduate / "Pumpernickel do not go inside the kitchen" a bump in the road in my personal life [8]


I think you should keep only the second sentence. Just remove the word "really".


This sentence doesn't seem necessary.


There is something wrong with this sentence. I couldn't come up with a suggestion.

I think the conclusion needs some work. It seemed a bit sudden to me.

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]


Looks better than the last one, but I didn't like this part -- "I was compelled..."


What do you mean by this? I can't seem to connect this part with the first sentence.


It's not incorrect, just informal.
In India we'd say Gandhiji's Salt March to Dandi. But you don't have to use the "ji".


I agree. Maybe, that's why they like weird students. :)

Writing Feedback / Environemtal problem, to inculcate a sense of genuine commitment [4]

Hello Yingjing!

The next time you post an essay, don't forget to include the prompt.


"carbon dioxide" -- No capitalization is required.


Although, I got your point, I think this is a complicated sentence.

people concerned about the headache of global warming


I'm not sure about this sentence. It's not proper to introduce a new idea in the conclusion.

Undergraduate / Engineers can turn ideas into reality. [19]


This is a boring start.


It's not nice to make an assertion so early on.


I don't mean any offense, but it sounds like you're bragging a bit.


Okay, these are pretty overused sentences. Moreover, they are vague and generic.


This one is irrelevant.


Here, you start to make sense. But I'd still prefer something even more specific. What do you want to do with a degree in chemical engineering? Do you have a plan? What is the profession you'd like to join after you graduate?

I may have been harsh, but as a chemical engineer myself, I thought I should help out a budding chemeng.
Read the prompt again. Where is the engineering idea you're supposed to introduce? It should be the theme of your essay.

Undergraduate / Class President uncovers school scandal essay. [3]

There is some problem with the flow. The second paragraph comes out suddenly.

You used too many words describing the scenario in the second paragraph. Get to the point.

I'd add another sentence to the conclusion.

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]


Don't feel "compelled" to change that :D
Let's see what others have got to say. (You know what, I think this contributor status scares off some members. They probably think we are better than we actually are)


I don't know.
The word "life" confused me. What does "redolent of life" mean? (Don't take it too seriously though. I'm not a very perceptive reader)

Undergraduate / UT Topic A -- Influential Person (My Parents) [6]


Are you sure about the punctuation here? I think the semi-colon should be a comma, and the exclamation should be a full stop.

I felt that your essay was too much about you and too little about your parents.
You devoted just one paragraph describing the influences of your parents. I'd like to see a bit more.
Moreover, your second paragraph kept reminding me of an altogether different prompt -- the one that goes, "Describe an obstacle...how you overcame it..."

That was the criticism.

I liked your start. You also set the theme of the essay very early on -- which is good. I didn't see any more grammatical errors either.

There goes your good ol' flattery. (It was honest though...haha...)

Undergraduate / "Quitting soccer" - meaningful event. UF college application essay [8]

Hello Emily!

First of all, I've got to say that I really enjoyed your essay. Your theme is very clear, and I think a lot of people, including me, can connect with it. All of us have given up something to be good at some other thing.


I loved this part.

Anyway, here are a couple of points you should consider.

was comforted when I reminded myself that my reasons justified the action of quitting -- "Action" may be correct, but I think "act" sounds nicer. What do you think?

Did you fully address the prompt? Where is part where you are supposed to reflect on how your experience will affect your college life?

I also think your concluding sentence is weak. Can you think of something original?

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Quitting soccer" - meaningful event. UF college application essay [8]


That's fine, but it's not enough. What's the word limit? If you have some space then elaborate a bit.


I think I agree with your friend. Too many metaphors can be annoying.
But I didn't mean that when I said "something original". I meant, can you give a unique vision of your future? By future, I mean your life at UF. Actually, this part should be an extension of the "reflection" part (At least, I think so).


I'd love to, but not now. I'm waist deep with my grad school app essays. I just come here whenever I'm out of ideas or too bored.

Anyway, maybe I'll read the other one tomorrow :)

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]

Oh, one more thing.

I thought if you study psychology (a social science), you become a psychologist.
If you study psychiatry (a medical science), you become psychiatrist.

Psychology = study of the psyche
Psychiatry = study of the psyche w.r.t. the anatomy of the brain.

So what do you want? Some interdisciplinary stuff...

Mind clarifying that?

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]

Really? That's so cool!

You can't do that in India. Here you need to obtain an undergrad degree in medicine if you want to be a doctor. Then, if you want to be a psychiatrist, you have to choose psychiatry as your field in your post grad studies.

Undergraduate / Miscelleneous Short Answer Questions (Career goals, fav music, books, sports,etc.) [23]


haha...you're funny.

And yeah whimsy...whatever that means ;)
I always end up learning new words after conversing with you -- so thanks for that :)

Undergraduate / "My greatest fear in life...is wasting it." Northeastern Med School (NEUCOM) essay [5]

I like your opening sentence. Let's see if the rest lives up to it.


A suggestion for the highlighted part -- "...I will feel regret -- regret that I wasted all the time I had"


Another one -- "My fear, ultimately, is that I will waste my life"


That seemed really weird. I see no logical connection between becoming a doctor and all that you mentioned earlier.


Please don't use this phrase. "Helping people" is such a broad term. You can even "help people" by cleaning their bathrooms for free ;) ... just kidding

Okay, your second paragraph was nicely written. But don't you think every other applicant can say the same stuff? Except the part on your grandfather and volunteering, it is very generic. It doesn't set you apart from other applicants.

By the way, don't capitalize grandfather & grandpa.


Here you are repeating stuff.


This is again a generic sentence. It would have been better if you named a particular ailment you are interested in researching. Right now it seems like you don't have a specific plan.


These are pretty useless sentences.


You sound corny, again.


This part is good. This is specific, and shows that you have a clear plan.

This is a good draft, but definitely not the finished product. You need to work on it.
By the way, "Salman Khan" is a very famous actor in India. You don't happen to be him, right?...Again, just kidding ;)

Undergraduate / "Quitting soccer" - meaningful event. UF college application essay [8]

You're welcome!

Okay, that's better. Nice last sentence.

Essay#2
Remember to create a new thread every time you post a new essay. Just post the edited ones in the same thread.
What's the prompt? Is it the same?

around their televisions -- plural

what happened to your sister?


Here I got lost a bit.

Emily, I don't have any problem with your style of writing. It's always better to stick with your own style. That way you sound original and unpretentious.

Just make sure that whatever you are writing is easily understandable. I recently read two essays which were very unconventional, but they got the message through clearly.

One was written, in Kevin's words, "like a palindrome". It started and ended with the same idea.
The other one didn't have any conventional paragraphs.

So think about these things :)

Undergraduate / Biographical essay: the dissolved Soviet Union to the modern America [20]

I don't think I can add much, but let me try.


Ah, we all know where Soviet Union was. You are such a good writer that I don't think you need to rely on this type of sentence for the "effect".


This is cool! I mean, really cool!


Again, we know.

Great essay!

Undergraduate / Biographical essay: the dissolved Soviet Union to the modern America [20]


yep, yep...dunno about others, but I think so ;)


Yeah, at least I do. I can't speak for Kevin. In his own words, he is something more than a computer program but less than a robot. ;)

Undergraduate / My Trip Across The Pond....diverse perspective [6]


This sentence doesn't do much except repeat a part of the prompt. I'd start the essay from the second one -- it will have a greater impact. Then I'd somehow incorporate that "trip across the pond" thing in the rest of the essay. That is just my opinion; you can disagree.


Isn't "throughout" one word?


The highlighted part -- why is it there? The sentence looks better without it.


I think it should be "gained".


Like what?

Undergraduate / This is my escape; SOP UTexas at Austin Radio/TV/Film [12]

I'm no grammar buff, so I'll refrain from giving advice on the same. I'll just see if your essay has any other problems.


This is a cliched phrase. Can you use a different one?


Okay, I can see why Liebe said this part was boring.
I won't go that far, but I certainly think you are digressing here. A statement of purpose is different from normal college essays. If you read the prompt carefully, you'll see that the whole essay should be somehow related to your chosen discipline. The instructions make that point very clear.

I'd suggest that you concisely say in one line why you could not attend UTSA immediately. Then talk about how you prepared yourself to meet UT's requirements. You can elaborate on what classes you took.

Do you understand what I mean? Everything you say should be built around your chosen discipline. The part about changing schools and stuff is not really relevant.

For the next paragraph, I have to agree with Liebe. There is certainly a hint of generalization; it's not much, but it is there all the same. Some people may interpret that you have not watched enough movies on Latinos. In other words, you may not have the amount of knowledge necessary to make those conclusions.

Can you find a different angle of saying the same thing -- an angle which is objective in nature? That's because I like that part. It shows that you have a certain goal, and this is very important in an SOP.

Michele, you just need to focus your essay a bit more towards your subject and your goals. Do that and your essay should come out fine.

Undergraduate / "Potential problems" - Evaluate a significant experience, achievement [6]

Hi Boris!

In your first paragraph, you seem to be telling the reader why risks are important, and this is not at all relevant to this essay. Always try to stick to the prompt.

The second and third paragraph are similarly unimportant. There's no point is talking about background stuff. Just start the essay from the experience itself.

The fourth too.

In your sixth paragraph you get to the point.

The rest looks good.

Okay, my advice would be -- limit the words you use describing the setting.
Your essay is very long for my liking. I don't think an AO reading scores of essays in one day would appreciate such length.

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]


Not exactly.

Nowadays, everything is interrelated in some way or other.
Since I'm a chemical engineer, I'll give you an example from chemical engineering.

You must have heard the term "fluid dynamics". Fluid dynamics is one of the core areas of interest for a chemical engineer.
One of the most interesting research areas in contemporary mathematics is Computational Fluid Dynamics (CFD). So if you are a mathematician and want to study CFD, you will have to take a course on fluid dynamics before you can start your research on CFD. In other words, chemical engineering is necessary for studying maths.

You can find similar examples in other disciplines (electrical engineering) also.

Real world applied maths is a lot different than what you would get in your high school textbooks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - the idea of talking about students behaviours. [4]

Hello Jose!

First of all, I'd point out that your essay is below the minimum word limit specified by IELTS for the task 2 of the writing section. Your word count is 244 (min. words required is 250), and you will definitely lose marks for that.

Human behaviour has been changing, perhaps following several changes thatin our culture, life and many essentials things, which we need to live, have been changing.


There is something wrong with this sentence. I've tried and failed to fix it. Maybe, someone else will help you out.

Despite the fact that the school should beis considered such as children's second househome , has it camecome along with the world's changes?

Schools how it used to be, with more rules to follow than attractive subjects, to catch children attention, could have been the cause of many students' problematic behaviours. (interesting point)


Here is a suggested correction: Normally, students under 21 tend to have challenging minds. When put under severe rules, they may revolt against the ones making these rules, that is, the teachers and the directors.

Even th ough, most of the problems with students are reported in schools, bad behaviours could have started inside children's housetheir homes . (another good point)

Problems in family may lead to children behaving intolerantly at schools

Not presentWorking parents (although "not present" can mean a lot of things, for the sake of simplicity, I've replaced it with "working"), who do not provide enough attention and do not teach their children, tend to create no respectable people. (Did you mean, "tend to raise undisciplined children"? )


This is an incomplete sentence. What do these schools do for the children?
Don't repeat "more" so many times.

In addition, parents who better look after their children, teaching them politeness and no many family problems tend to raise children who don't have many behavioural problems at school. (Is that what you meant? Because it was another incomplete sentence.)

Write a different concluding sentence. This one doesn't fit because you have not suggested any steps to confront the problem of student behaviour. You have just reflected on some observations.

Student Talk / What are the jobs prospects for BA(Economics and social studies) (Hons)? [7]

Hello Preesha!

The decision is totally up to you. First, you have to sort your priorities. Clear your mind of everything others told you, and think about what YOU want to do with your life. Would you like the career that deals with economics, or would you prefer to be a lawyer?Usually, money should not be the deciding factor. You wouldn't want to condemn your life to some high paying job which makes you feel sick to the core.

Then again, it depends on your present financial condition. One of my best friends is in a job which pays him highly, but I know that he hates his job, and is only doing it to support his family. So these things also matter.

Think about these things. If your don't have any financial constraints, and really enjoy stuff related to economics, then go for it. If for some reason you end up disliking it, you can always study law at postgraduate level.

Anyway, like I said, the decision rests with you. Talk to your close ones, like you parents or siblings. They will know what is best for you. Don't listen to others. Your parents know you best, and they'll always have the best intentions for you.

I don't know if I clarified your doubts or multiplied them. I hope it's not the latter.