Umm... that is not the prompt. The correct prompt is: "Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?"
And you have to be much more specific. Plenty of schools can offer what you just explained. Why UPenn in particular? Use names of specific programs.
You need to be more specific. If you replace "Columbia University" with "New York University", everything will still work (as long as you don't say Ivy League).
My point is... you have to mention specific programs at Columbia that appeal to you. For example, if you're interested in music or drama, you have to mention the Julliard Exchange. Columbia is the only school in the world with this kind of program, so this certainly adds to the degree of specificness that this type of essay needs. Good luck.
Love it! I really feel myself connecting to it, as we all have our own "special place" that we often go to.
With that being said, I don't really understand your last paragraph. It seemed to jump into a completely different topic. I think it would be a lot better if you mentioned your mother at the beginning rather than at the end. Because I want to find out more, but the story ended before I can read on. Keep working on it!
If you want me to be truly harsh, I would say... rewrite the whole thing. I will explain why: the first half of the essay about Liu Wei does not reveal anything about you. Unless you are Liu Wei himself, it is a waste of 150 words. Instead, talk about how this experienced affected YOU, and WHY that experience made you want to study BME. Also, you have not mentioned anything unique about JHU's BME program - why not choose BME at Duke? Or UPenn? Please give specifics - that's what they are looking for. So overall, I think this needs some work. But you still have time!
But why Yale? Schools like MIT & Berkeley also have a great EE program where you can work in electronics, microelectronics, and nanotechnologies. What's so special about Yale?
There are 2 types of people in the world... which type are you?! You went through the entire essay without telling us which side you are on. I think that defeats the whole purpose of the essay. So add a personal connection to the story that you are telling and it will become ten times better.
I like your last 2 paragraphs! But I'm not seeing how the first paragraph is connected with the rest of your essay. What does computer have to do with psychology and your desire to be a neurosurgeon? Make a stronger connection and the essay will turn from good to great. Good luck.
Your 3rd paragraph is completely wrong - MIT will automatically reject you if you say "I suppose this is partly a side effect of my inability to handle serious situations". Rather, you should spend this paragraph saying the opposite: "I also have the ability to handle serious situations." But since that is obviously not you, I would not write about this topic.
Do you have anything you are proud of that isn't so common that it's mentioned in the question? If so, definitely write about that instead.
Ask yourself this question: Is this essay better than the 93% of the other roommate essays? The answer is no: Anyone can write this.
Write about something that noone else can - that is the only way to stand out. That does not include running, the weather, studying, drawing, etc etc etc.
Just for an example, one Stanford student write about how everything in her room is green, and how that represents her personality. That is definitely more interesting than saying: "I like calculus or physicist jokes". You don't want to seem shallow here. Good luck.
"Moreover, I will not waste my time discussing Stanford's academic prestige as the world is more than aware of the university's standing."
I believe you just wasted 22 precious words that you could've spent talking about Stanford's specific academic programs, which you barely mentioned. Good luck.
I completely agree with deenz - show not tell! "getting into the boat proved to be a challenge at first". Use an example rather than just coming out and saying it!
I also, I recommend you cutting right into the action - no need to for the "living in British Columbia" fluff. Spend more time on how the experienced shaped your outlook.
Overall, I think you're on the right track. But the essay is too shallow - as I read it, I keep hoping for more, but it never came. Things like "my problems always seem smaller on the way back" and "it is often the simple and the small that can bring a person the greatest satisfaction" are still too shallow. Anyone can write that. You have to do something that make you stand out! Connect it to the things that you do. What problems are smaller? What is the "greatest satisfaction" that you elude to? A good applicant mentions those. A great applicant explains them.
I think what we are all trying to say is... instead of trying to make excuses for why you didn't do as well in high school, why not focus on something that you are good at? Maybe you're a passionate swimmer, or pianist, or a professional paddleball player. This is the time to reveal that! Make your essay unique, make it stand out fro the crowd. If you read your own essay right, do you think it will stand out along with the thousands of other essays? If it doesn't, they it's not doing its job.
So please please please... don't focus on what you didn't do, but on what you did do. Hope that helps.
Keep in mind that you don't go to a university for its "spirit". If you say that, admission officers will get the false premise that you are a "party person". You go their for its academics, as clinché as it sounds, it's true. That said, you can rephrase your essay to include "spirit for higher learning". That might be an interesting topic to focus on. Good luck.
I love the idea behind this essay. The first anecdote was very powerful.
With that said, I think you should focus much more on why this issue is important to you. You only touched upon it briefly in the last paragraph. The following is unnecessary since the admission officers want to hear about you : "This is an important issue to me, as it should be to you "
Normally, this kind of topic is very risky to write. But if you polish it a bit more and bring more of your own experience into it, it can be a very touching essay. Best of luck.
Why do you have to mention that the girl is African American? I don't think you should bring race into this essay - it adds tension to an essay that is otherwise pretty relaxed and well-written.
Sorry to be blunt, but if you write this on your common app, no colleges will accept you. It is the classic "I failed high school but I will do better in college". 99% of the time, this is not true, and colleges know that. Rather, I recommend you talk about how your chinese heritage made you who you are and why you are proud of it. That would be a much more powerful essay. If you were a college admission officer, would you accept someone who considers themselves "rebellious, stubborn, and lazy"?
Whatever you do... please do not say "I want to go to a school because it is highly ranked." It might hurt your argument and make you seem shallow. Although honesty, from the content of the essay, I think you can get in.
I agree with the others in that it is creative. However, I seriously doubt that you "grew up in two days". It is just not very realistic. So I recommend that you change the wording there.
Also, it sounds like you're giving an excuse about your bad grades towards the end of your essay. Don't do that.
This is a nice essay because your introduction will catch people's attention with the question "Want to go eat?" And that's the theme you chose to stick with through the rest of your essay. A reader can easily get a picture of who you are from reading this.
One thing to work on is your word count: Stanford recommends less than 250 words this year, so try to keep it under that limit.
Only one sentence of your essay makes sense in context: "[Stanford] is ranked number one in the major of psychology." You kept mentioning that you want to return to California. However, you have to realize that there are thousands of colleges in California, so why are you choosing Stanford, and not... Cal Poly? Please please please focus on Stanford and only Stanford. If you were to remove the sentence I mentioned above, this essay can fit for every single college in the state of California. I know I sound harsh but that's the reality when you apply to competitive colleges like Stanford. I sincerely hope that you take my advice because they will really help you.
Not to be rude, but the common rule of thumb is to avoid talking about the death of a relative, especially a distant one like your step-grandmother. It is just too common. Please rewrite. I understand that you spent a lot of time on this essay, but no colleges are going to be impressed by the classic "I want to be a doctor because my _____ died of cancer". I know I sound harsh, but trust me - it is for your own good.
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