Essays / Am I allowed to write description of the commercials in the first paragraph? [4]

Sure, I think you can write them down whatever ways you like, as long as your introduction has a thesis to signal readers what your essay is going to be about. A thesis of comparative type of essay can be like this:=> Although A and B are twins and look alike, their personalities are much different.

GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Study at home using technology or study at traditional schools? [9]

Hi!
I don't see you have much problem with grammar errors. However, you didn't answer the question correctly. This is an argumentation, and you should pick one side. The grader doesn't care which side you prefer as long as you prove with your supported ideas. You discuss both study methods, and you want to combine. Absolutely, this is not the answer for your prompt. Pick one side and prove it!

Writing Feedback / School board to increase the physical education requirement to three years - CBEST [6]

Hi Suyeon !
You did a good job on writing already. I heard the saying something like this "there is no perfect writing, just rewrite..." I was frustrated when I failed the test, but now I'm not mind much, for I have been trying my best. I'm working on the topic "school short vacation v.s long vacation". I know English is difficult for us, foreigners, because there are irregular verbs and tons of exceptional rules to remember

Writing Feedback / Admired characteristic to understand ourselves [6]

Thanks for your help Kevin!
@Jhonies Saysi! I have been trying very hard for my writing. I switched my full-time job to part-time just for having more time to write. However, I'm glad and feel worth it.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: MORE VOCATION TIME Vs HIGHER SALARY [3]

=> others dispute this phenomenon (others is plural)

=>they say life is short, and you don't waste the time on your boring job

=> I used to take it as the most important thing to earn money by which it can satisfy with all my want and push me become the wealth, before. (This sentence needs to work a bit, since you already use "used", it means before so that you don't need to repeat "before" at the end of your sentence. Also, your coma is in wrong place)=> I used to think that earning substantial income (or a lot of money) can satisfy my desire and bring me a wealthy life (living)

=> Afterward, I had illness severely...

=> ...whole month. Eventually, I was given an injection for my immune system recovery and rook medicine for reducing my anxiety

=> how important it was to be healthy, and money couldn't bring it back if I lost it

=> What I do during my vacation right now enriches my living value, refills my mind, and earns my friendships back.

=> some things you still can't afford it except you have enough free time, such as your health, friendships, or life experience (difficult to understand)

I think you don't have a lot of errors, but you stuff so many idea in one sentence so I would suggest you break it and write it simple and clear.

Writing Feedback / School board to increase the physical education requirement to three years - CBEST [6]

Here are my suggestions
=> Some prefer the idea of increasing the number of years of physical education because it enhances students' overal performance in school (some is plural)

=> Others oppose it because it is wasting time and suiting only for athletic students (wasting~suiting=>parallel)

=>... education requirements because it strenghthens (spelling)

=> ...which enhance students' performance in school as well as in the society.

=> High School students are in a stage where they need to build a character, and physical education can help them to build such important characters.

=> Second, increasing the time from one to three hours of the physical education is a substantial amount for students. (place phrase next to its modifier)

=> Through this class, students can relax from other subjects such as math, English, and social studies (I don't think relax is very good in the meaning "balance out" better; e.g., students can balance out their critical thinking from other ...)

=> It builds... (always remember to capital after a period)

=> They need to take a break and need to move around because many people are kinesthetic=> (you use human because you mean "all of us", including you and I, but I think "they" technically correct

=> students tend to remember things by using their bodies=> this sentence need to be clear a bit, maybe you mean this: students tend to have better memorization if they move their body? OR something else?

I suppose you haven't finished yet right? I'm a cbest taker like you too! here is another topic for previous exam if you want to practice more; here you are: (1) which characteristics are admirable, discribe admired characteristics and support you point (2) if you have a chance to change U.S public education, what would it be, why?

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay: Fun with Elders [4]

=> all I could see were the smiling faces (your sentences in past tense, so use "could" instead of "can")

=> During that trip we played dominoes, bingo, and just basically had fun (do you see that your sentence is not in parallel structure? we play dominoes, (a noun), bingo (a noun), and just basically had fun (adverb+verb+adj), unless you mean different=>During that trip we played dominoes and bingo, and all these activities basically were fun (I use "and" to join 2 independ clauses together; in this sentence I mean we played dominoes and bingo, and the act of these playing were no need to think, just fun activities) OR "During that trip we played dominoes (a noun), bingo (a noun), and fun activities (a noun)"; in this sentence I mean we played dominoes, bingo, and other games too! I hope you understand my explaination

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay: Fun with Elders [4]

Here are my tips
=>... also the United Way moderator, came into my classroom and asked who was available that Saturday to help out at an elderly home (came=asked=>past tense)

=> Because on that Saturday I didn't have work, so I decided to take part in the activity

=> As I entered the facility, all I could see were smiling faces of the elders, who were all so friendly and full of joy, and in that moment I knew that I had made the correct decision in coming to help out. (You have past, present tense mixed)

=> During that trip we played dominoes, bingo, and fun activities (you have parallel structure mixed)

=> My friends and I joined the grandmas and grandpas in the dance for a while

=> Not only spending time with elders but also with others in need. (not a complete sentence, a complete sentence = subj + verb)

=> I am glad that I was able to spend that time with them. Not only I was spending time with elders but also I was with others in need. (You ideas are repeated, so rewrite these sentences, you may combine them) e.g., I am glad that I was not only spending time with the elders but also helping them with their needs

=> and each of volunteers took a seat at different table to socialize with the elders

=> With music in the background playing softly, I was able to chat with several lovely old ladies and divine men

=> Visiting the elderly home have made me realize a few things
I would change this sentence like this
=> Visiting the elderly home have made me realize a few things: sometimes we complain about our grandparents, how annoying and how slow and how demanding they are; despite the complaining is true, these old people are our grandparents, who have taken care of us once (I think now when we are grown up, they still mentally take care of us too)

=>... I don't appreciate my grandmother living with me, helping me out with all the chores.

Writing Feedback / Admired characteristic to understand ourselves [6]

I'm so appreciated for your help Jhoni esSaysi and Wai Kwan Li. Yah, my intro and conclusion paragraphs are almost the same; I'm bad writer, I don't know how to make these better, let's me change my intro a little bit

Writing Feedback / Understanding, responsible - important qualities of a good supervisor /boss/? [2]

=> When a supervisor hires employees, he or she expects from them to do their best at working places. If the employees work hard, they would be stimulated and promoted by their bosses

=> In our daily life, everyone constantly faces some unexpected problems or accidents, and often it happens that this person has to absent from his or her work

=> For example, one day I woke up in the morning and prepared for my work as usual, but I felt a terrible headache, so I phoned to my supervisor and I asked for a day off. My boss, who was understood and concerned, told me that I could stay home for a rest.

=> [That is important quality because]<=delete this one because you just have at the begining sentence
=> The good bosses should give the employees' salaries in time and provide insurance coverage (insurance can't be heathy)

=> when somebody goes to business trip or working oversea, this person has to be paid extra for his or her accommodation such as air faire, hotel, and food

=> If the boss doesn't pay in time to this person that will not be possible and it would be a big struggle for this person.<= rewrite this sentence

You have some errors in your sentences, mostly with singular and plural- verb agreement. It seems to me that you have hard time to express your though in a sentence too, like me, an English learner. Also, I think you mention "pay in time" is not so strong idea because employers, by law, should pay their employees on time, or else, these employers would be on trouble. You mention "responsibility", this is a good point, just give different example from "pay in time"-for example, sometimes your boss has made a mistake (yes, boss is human being too) but he realizes and apologies and corrects his problem...just some idea, I hope it helps

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-"forest is disappearing but needs to be saved." [8]

I have some ideas; you reason "2.people can learn more from forest." although this is a good one, I feel that this is too general, too broad. What people learn from the forest? animal habitant, for example. Why learning animal habitant helps in people's lives? research indicated that some animals can tell us when there is an earthquake, storm...

You essay elso mention with deforestation, which is a good point and a reason for flooding too! if you want to write about it

=> After the Industrial Revolution <= I wonder what is Industrial Revolution? name of something? (that is why you capital)

=> It provides creatures an environment to keep? (It provides nature environment?)

=> Their disappearance increases the amount of sparrow, and these sparrows cause the reduced amount
of rice harvest.

Writing Feedback / People in our modern age stay longer than in the past generation [3]

I agree with you "Technology is an important factor that prolongs people's life." Diseases are now controlled better than ever before. Imagine that a few decades ago, people hardly think of organ replacement. Now, doctors can replace some vital organs damaged beyond repair. Replacement or transplant of kidneys, hearts, and arthritic joints is possible and as not a wish anymore. For instance, in recent news, there is a man whose hand serverely damage in a train accident, with the help of modern technology, doctor can reattach the hand to the lucky victim. All of this amazing surgery is not done successfully without modern technology.

=> First, Advancement of the medical research can create new ways to maintain a good health.<= GOOD POINT, GIVE MORE DETAILS TO PROVE IT!(modern medicine improves our life rapidly-you can say some vaccines against common viruses. For example, smallpox (or chickenpox I think?), once a disease people lived in fear of, is virtually eradicated today. Babies from two months old are required vaccinations (I forget what name of that vaccines, sorry!!!!!!!!!!)

=> the olderS take it, they feel more vigorous and active.

For your second para, you can list some chemicals are prohibited to use for foods such as mercury,....(something else too! sorry I forget its name). Some products have been recalled if they had sent out with a mistake. Do you remember eggs and beef have been recalled recently? you also can mention some food for animals now have been regulated because it is considered resulting of poor health for human if we consume

I hope my ideas may help!!!!

Writing Feedback / (Elephant) the most important animal in your country? Why is the animal important? [4]

Indeed "they were capable to bring" is an error. I think capable of, not capable to

Writing Feedback / (Elephant) the most important animal in your country? Why is the animal important? [4]

Calm down Chukate, here my feedback

=> It has been used in many ways like a vehicle for King, carrier for trading, and game performance. (I'm not sure about game performance, but technically, I think it is correct)

=> There are three reasons why I think an elephant is the most popular in Thailand. (you can omit this sentence-readers can count how many reasons

=> There were wars between Thai and Burma, and a lot of high-ranking soldiers and King had to use elephants as good carriers both for warfare and tourism

=> Elephants have many qualities such as strength and brave (I like to use plural for elephants)

=> For example, it can go through muddy areas without being bogged down as well as travel in forests (I think wetlands=muddy areas, so I just choose either one)

=> Second, elephants are ideal for carring heavy goods in a long distance. About two centuries ago, people didn't have modern automobiles such as cars, truck, or trains...

=> Although people could use other animals for this task, none of the animals were as convenient as elephants because they were capable to bring a lot of things from a village to a city through rough and bumpy route effectively (use "people"; not "we" because "we" is including you, but at that time you wasn't born yet)

=> Even though, cattle were aslo used to haul goods, but they were not convenient for long distances as compared to elephants.

=> Third, everybody is very excited and interested to attend the elephant football game. (continue your sentence here, no need to skip)

=> ...participatians have to be careful with their movements because they may fall to the ground and get injuries

=>... place to another without elephants.

Your conclusion is not so strong because you're repeating the same idea over and over. You can start your sentence like "There are many helpful animals such as...., but none of them as effective as an elephant. Although, nowadays the world has been developed some....,elephant is still the best cadidate to carry...(just some like this)

Writing Feedback / "School Bells " - kindergarten essay [7]

Hi Kevin! Thanks for encouraged saying that I don't have much errors
This is not my writing,=>"Being inclined to bark, whine, have embarrassing accidents, and noisily lick themselves, students should not bring their dogs to class." Someone gave and challenged me what wrong with it a month ago. I was stuck, I really didn't know what wrong with it. Nevertheless, now I laugh out loud when I read it because, absolutely, students cannot bark and lick themselves. I failed CBEST writing, which is a required test for candidate teachers. There were three portions, but I passed two, which were math and reading 6 years ago. I will retake the exam next month, there are always two essay topics, one is an argument, the other is naration. Sometimes I passed one essay, but the exam requires passing two essays at the same time. However, lately I feel very low confident. My heart was pounding and beating hard; my hands sweated when I was given the exam. My head mentally popped up the word "FAIL", and my mind went blank. I am afraid of my next exam if I have the same eposide

Writing Feedback / Some people believe in making large amount of money while others don't care about it [3]

I don't know whether your essay is an argumentation or just a piece of feeling expression. However, I suggest that you should tell the audience your point of view at introduction part because I don't see your thesis sentence yet.

=> some people think that money is the most crucial part of human life (you don't have to capital "Money")

=> In today's society, everybody (or people) is (are) running in the competition of earning money because it may give him or her(them) a luxurious life, status, and power in the society.

=> In our society , value of a person is always evaluated by his/ her bank balance, so the person having money could get a status in this society and last but not the least , power is nothing but the support of society <=(This sentence expresses many ideas at the same time, try to break it)

=> Everybody (some body or many people sounds better) dreams about a fairy tale life , which includes big mansions, fleet, imported cars, expensive jewelery, and exclusive vacations. One can possess these luxurious items if only he or she earns a lot of money. Also, values of a person may be evaluated by his or her bank balance (OR his or her outside's look), so a rich person may get a status as well as high power in this society

=>Whereas, there are still few people who are satisfied by earning just enough for food, shelter, and clothes, which are the basic need of a human being, but they are living a happy life.

After reading your essay I have a feeling that this writing is expressing your feeling. Also, I wonder why you capital all of this "WOULD PREFER TO EARN A COMFORTABLE LIVING". If you believe in "simple living and high thinking" you have to give a reason why (maybe simple life gives you no stress, in contrast, luxurious life gives too much trouble). Your writing is quite clear, but don't repeat "money" again and again. Besides, you don't express many ideas in the same sentence, try to break it into some simple,complex, or compound sentences. English is esier if expressed in simple way, I believe. I like this one "without money life would be an ocean without water". Yes, life would be lifeless without money.

Grammar, Usage / climb or climb up? GRAMMAR QUESTION [6]

Thanks for all the helps! I'm clear now

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: is it better to take several different kinds of job when you are young? [3]

I have some minor changes if you want to take a look. Hope they help
=> Some people think it is not only bring them a stable income to improve their life qualities, but also accumulate the ability in their specializations as early as possible <= what is "it is"?

=>others dispute that people should take some adventures to try different jobs when they are young

I've attended this program for a half year three years ago <= How can you attend this program for a half year three years ago? either this: "I attended for a half-year three years ago" OR "I have attended this program since three years ago "

=>I had never cooked and seldom cleaned my room before I got this job

=>my bosses and coworkers in both jobs were so nice that they taught me some Japanese

=>and they also provided me a trip around the city we stayed

=> Hence, the experience of taking different jobs in young age is memorable to and add colors in our life.

=>Second, it is the best way to discipline ourselves when taking different jobs (I don't think "discipline" is a right word to use with your idea in this para, I think "test" or "prepare" would be better)

=>Leaving school, we don't know what we like and what we want immediately

=>we are not yet well prepared for entering the society

=>rather than just stick in one career in our lifetime or follow our parents' suggestion

=>Thus, I think it is a good transition from an innocent baby to a mature adult in the society through the training plans in each occupation (rewrite this sentence, not "innocent baby". Instead, compare or give example on one job with experience from many jobs.)

=>Thus, I strongly believe that it is better for a young person to take different kinds of job before they take a career in a long time.

Writing Feedback / Both genders go out of their homes to do jobs spending too much time at work [10]

Your scores are the passing scores? If so, congratulation! Your essay is great, straight to the points. Thanks for sharing your experience

Writing Feedback / "School Bells " - kindergarten essay [7]

Hi Susan, Thanks for your comment. (Here, I want to share with you my personal) I often check back after my post to see if there are some better ways of revision so that I can learn better. Believe it or not I have been failed my writing test 39 times. I'm so ashamed and angry with my failures. Eventhough my scores have been improved since I joined the forum, they are not yet met the required score. Kevin, a moderator, suggested that I should write, type at least ten times for every incorrect sentences that had been corrected. I did as what he suggested. However, I couldn't memorize all of my corrections. Angry with my failures, last month I changed my job from a full-time to a part-time just to read these crazy English grammar. The more I read the more I realize I haven't known any English, but now I able to laugh when I read this sentence "Being inclined to bark, whine, have embarrassing accidents, and noisily lick themselves, students should not bring their dogs to class." I hadn't realized what wrong with the sentence a month ago. Nevertheless, I enjoy reading from many writers in this forum, and I also learn from them. I still work on how to write a good conclusion because that is my weak part in writing the essay. I hope I can get help too! Thanks if you have reading my sharing

Writing Feedback / Students usually love a teacher with humor - he is closer to his students and teaches better [4]

I have some ideas for you Ting. Hope I can help a little

=>Some people think students can get...(Start your sentence from here is sound better)

=>students usually engage a teacher with...(change "love" to engage or "interest")

=>students usually engage a teacher with humor and being easygoing because he or she is funny, closed to students, and full of creativity internally; he or she is not bored like students' parents (a teacher = singular= he or she, they = plural. I really don't like "funny"; it sounds informal, you can choose different word)

=>...and they are not bored like students' parents (I don't understand why you compare "teacher" to "students' parents"? why not compare with other teachers, who are not smile until X-mas) (^_*)

Thus, a vivid teaching style is brought into school life by a teacher with these kind of characteristic (I like this sentence in active voice to emphasize your idea=>Thus, a teacher with these characteristics brings into his or her classroom an effective teaching style

=>For example, Mrs Alice, the English teacher in my high school...(I think you should have Mrs. or Miss in front of your teacher's name)

=>My piano teacher was famous not only in her fantastic playing skills

=>but also in her excellent training program (personally, I don't like to use "cool" in formal writing)

=> she required every detail in playing

=>...to strengthen and stretch my hand muscles by holding a pan, and to knock strongly over my fingers when playing with a wrong musical note OR"....by holding a pan. She often knocked (tapped?pinched?spanked?) so hard on my fingers when I was playing with a wrong musical note.

=>All these poor teaching methods had became my nightmare gradually

=>according to my two experiences, I sincerely contradict that a serious and strict teacher is more effective than a teacher with humor and is easygoing.

Writing Feedback / "Be Weary of their Expectations" - a draft, persuasive essay about expectations [4]

Hi Dan, I just take a look at your sentences, but not with what you mean on your essay. Here are some errors that may have. You need to pay attention on these, this, it, that...if you can, write specific noun or subject

=>People should realize that they only have (everyone=singular, they =plural)

=> He or she has grown up learning the fundamentals of life (a person = he or she, not they)

=> they have made several mistakes

=>However, some cannot...( you already have "however"=but, so delete "but". Same with "they"="some")

=>These involve following others expectations <=what you mean by "these"; learning from mistakes? hard to understand with "these"

=> Although sometimes the expectations of their parents are good intentions, peer presures?...(from now I don't get what you mean)("are" and "have" = 2 verbs)

=>these weaken minded people and spend their lives following others<=what is "these"? "minded people" is not clear, dangle

=> It's obvious that they must take a stand for themselves (use "goal" instead of "stand", how about this "It is obvious that they must live their own life" or "It is obvious that they should follow their goals"

=>or they'll waste their one and only chance at living.<=rewrite this sentence, difficult to understand

=>teens should not follow other people's expectations as they may not be in their best interest ( "they" can be understood in two meanings, either "people's expectations" or "teen", so you need to rearrange a little)

=>this person is confused and cannot make his or her own decisions for his or her welfare. (Once again, two verbs, "get"&"is". This person=singular, they=plural-So I change to singular, but that sounds repeating "his or her" twice, so you can fix your way. I just give example)

=>the suicide rate of teens in Japan is three time higher than the US because...(the comparison-you cannot compare "the rate of teen" with "US" because these are 2 different things, so "the suicide rate of teens in Japan is three times higer than the U.S' rate because....)

=>Teens must realize that their lives....(you miss the compliment here) and they're old enough to make judicious decisions for themselves.

Writing Feedback / Different choices - Working in group or Working independently ? [4]

I don't see any serious errors, but I have some minor changes if you want to take a look

=>Therefore, we can save time at works and our tasks will be more efficient. (Since you just have "work", so I change to "task", for not sound repeating)

=>It does not only make us learn more things from others but also encourage us to try harder (same with this, since you have two "more")

=>If we have to deal with so many problems (you can change with "...with multiple problems...)

=>Besides,... (beside is a prep, but besides is an adverb)

=>Besides, working in group makes us avoid being stress and boring (I delete "I think" because you have those expressions throughout your essay "In my point of view", "I think", "I believe". It is ok to have one or two, but not so many, after all we know the essay is yours

=>commnication skills (I will choose plural for skills)

=> it is of great help for you to do group work rather than individual one (I would change this a little because I think "of" is not in its position=> Working in a team contributes a great help rather than...

In general, you're working well on your grammar part, but I think you can develop more on second para. Your topic sentence is "I believe that work in group makes us avoid being stress and boring", you can give example to show this idea. I also feel that you are not giving enough information for "good opportunity to improve commnication skill".

Writing Feedback / Essay about independency and a choice between living with family or moving out [6]

You have some subject verb agreement problem, and I suggest you should work careful on that.
Second and third paraghaps can be combined because these are the same point ("In the second place..."+"In the third place..." =same point= "improve relationship")

Hope I can help!
=>..and I prefer to stay apart with my parents than moving outside=> "Stay apart"="separate" (So I guess you misunderstood "apart"

=> As a taxi driver,it is a large number to me=> (you have misplace modifier)=>As a taxi driver, I cannot afford such that high cost.

=>In the weekend,my uncle usually visits our house...(verb tense with "s")
=>...family reunions every week, we share happiness and joy (verb tense "we" with no "s" for verb "share", "family" as a singular,and then use "s" for verb reunion )

=>...,and she cannot walk by herself that she always sits ...(verb tense-you're talking now- use present tense, "sit" with "s")

=>...taking good care of my family,having a good relationship,and saving money are such a wonderful thing to me (taking+having+saving=plural, so use "are" instead of "is"

Writing Feedback / "School Bells " - kindergarten essay [7]

Here are some suggestions, but there are more punctuation that you need to pay attention to such as commas and dependent and independent clauses...
=>Turning five years old and knowing that it was time to begin school, I was really scared.
=>I remember walking with my new backpack, which had two little wheels so I wouldn't have to carry it
=>She and my new teacher, Mrs. Flores, were having a hard time getting me to stay in the classroom.
=>After they saw that I wouldn't stay, my mom had to stay there with me
=>It was really hard for me to get used to attending school everyday<=you don't have to repeat "stay" again and again use "attending" instead

=>Being a child of my parents =>I guess you don't need to say two parents because when you write "parents"=two, "parent"=1

=>Being a child of my parents who only knew how to speak Spanish was really hard for me to learn English.
=>They would come around eleven A.M and take me out of class
=>put your things in it=>"thing"?=pencils, note books, backpack,=school materials (don't use things, discribe them)
=>he and I....(not him and I because he is used as a subject)
=>First grade was a very great year
=>Still not knowing very good English, I was put in a special class so that I could get better in speaking English
=>In October we had fun Halloween festival. School offered a lot of games to play and the scariest was the haunted house.
=>I remember as we entered the haunted house, I could only hear screaming because I had my eyes closed the whole time
=>I wasn't a very big fan about school=>not clear meaning = I was not excited going to school?
=>...and when I was in the third grade, I had already used to waking up early every morning
=>I still had my special class to learn how to speak English but by that time I had known I could accomplish anything that I set my mind. (OR I could accomplish my goals)

Grammar, Usage / A noun that's a good substitution for "get-togethers"? [7]

I think I saw other word different from carousal and debauchery, and I want to mention the informal get-togethers, just get-togethers for chit-chatting. Anyway, thanks for your help

Undergraduate / "hope to be a specialist doctor" - motivating myself [4]

Some of the changes in the initial para, but I feel you need to be careful with capital and punctuation
=>...hospital Penang. she was named Suriaty, [by his late father]<=what is this, who is "his"? you mean "her"? so you mean "her father named her Suriaty?(captital name of a person or a place)

=>...There are eight of us .My... (spell out if it is below 10)
=>... ill (misspell? "I")just...
=>...justin bieber stuff (what is stuff? picture? hat? T-shirt with his picture? Don't use stuff, be specific. Also, capital his name) "So, the presents that i got were his biography book and his latest Cd album from my sister", even though, you're explaining "stuff" in the latter sentence but you're better substitue it with "stuff", then instead of "So, the presents that i got were his biography book and his latest Cd album from my sister" you can delete it or" my presents were what I had wanted"

=>There are full of Justin Bieber's adorable photos and how he ended up became a singer, as well as his lifestyle in the book

=>...twice; for I'm not satisfied with only 1 reading...

Writing Feedback / The Jealous reactions of one person to the success of a friend. [3]

I look very quick on those minors

=>I, on the other hand, envied John's achievement
=>, it happens other wise
=> I asked John how he was able to have such tremendous skills
=>a friend of mine

Writing Feedback / favor food, why it's so special [10]

Thank you for all the help. I will work on my essay again, but I am not really emphasized on the food itself. I want to mention why that dish really means for me. Of course, some of you like some kinds of food because they taste special and wonderful depending on how is your taste. But here, I also want to mention that my father was making a dish so special.

Writing Feedback / GOOD NEIGHBOR (reliable, trustworthy, with a sense of humor) [3]

Here are some my ideas

=>Some are vey positive while others really make your life miserable
=>After a long, hectic, and exhausted working day, we come back expecting to have a peaceful and relieving night at home.
=>Good neighbors should be very reliable and trustworthy; that is the most admirable quality of our neighbors. Before leaving for work, I have always handed over the keys of my house to our neighbors so that when the helping lady comes, she can finish her job even in my absence

=>... My family and friends may take...
=>... but our neighbors are the first people who can help us in an emergency case
=>...In addition to this (what is "this"?=> In addition to respecting the right of privacy?if you mean it)
=>...good neighbors, who are very friendly, can make you feel refreshed after a long hectic day and whenever you talk to them, they soothens your mind

Writing Feedback / I and my sister went to the supermarket together [4]

I have some ideas Hien
=>Today I and my sister have gone to the supermarket together=> ...my sister and I have gone to...

=>When we was buying goods (you can use "groceries") in the supermarket, my sister suddenly cried out and only spoke (=>use past tense) one sentence that she had lost her wallet, which has a Nokia mobile phone inside.

OR=>While we was inside the grocery supermarket, my sister suddenly cried out and said that she had lost her wallet, which had a Nokia mobile phone inside (use "had lost" past perfect)

=> the conner "corner" (misspelling)
=>I can see it=>I could see it (past tense because you're already saw her crying)

=>The thief cleverly hid his face.
=> He took advantage of the situation to merge into the people, who was shopping to prepare for the Tet holiday.
=>Security personnel in the supermarket warned customers not putting their laptop in the shopping trolley and brough it to the security holder.
=> "Being lost the wallet is completely unexpected. I only want to admonish everyone of the danger lurking everywhere nothing so much as the Tet holiday. Do you want to be fed up about being lose your money on this holiday?. Say No. You need to be careful of money. A piece of ca relessness may create these unfortunate consequences. Remember that money doesn't grow on trees. Good luck for you."===>You need to rewrite these sentences instead of "I only want to admonish" you can write something like "Maybe, some people who intend to steal others' property not understanding the feeling of...." You are composing a story, so avoid "Say No"

Writing Feedback / "Although my daughters are twins" - Contrast/Comparison Paragraphs [4]

Let's look at your first sentence: "Although my daughters are twins they do not look or act alike, they have plenty of differences My daughter Kymberly is in her first year of Premedia at Durham College, still lives at home and likes to hang out with alot of friends at once"

"Although my daughters are twins, they do not look or act alike."<=This one can be a sentence, just add comma,
=>you can use FANBOYS to connect 2 compound sentences or a semicolon. For example, "Although my daughters are twins, they do not look or act alike, and they have plenty of differences" OR "Although my daughters are twins, they do not look or act alike; they have plenty of differences( PICK THE WAY YOU LIKE)=>My daughter, Kymberly, is in her first year of Premedia at Durham College, still living at home and hanging out with alot of friends.

=> She always has something going on= She is an active person or she is an extrovert "something going on" is unclear
=>My second daughter, Jacqueline, on the other hand, finished her school and have been worked as a p.s.w
=>Although, she lives on her own with her two-year-old daughter and boyfriend, she enjoys just spending quiet relaxing evenings at home with her family and rarely goes out to parties (It is OK to keep your 2 sentences separately too, but if I were you, I would like this way)

=> However, Jacquie is the complete opposite; she is very shy and quiet, and you would never notice her attention.
=> Even though they are twins, their outlooks are different as well
=>Although they have many differences they still carry the same values, beliefs, and traditions.(I GUESS YOU WOULD TAKE THIS SENTENCE FOR ANOTHER PARAGRAPH)

Undergraduate / "both early childhood education and psychology" - 300 word education and career goals [3]

These are my ideas if you want to take a look

As a senior in high school instead of sitting in class for 90 minutes, I was standing in front of 19 first graders teaching them a lesson=> As a senior in high school, I chose to take a class that taught how to teach first grade students instead of....

=>My high school has offered a class that you can take at your senior year to explore your future career, which I was fortunate enough to be enrolled in

=>I observed small & whole lessons individual instruction, specials, snack time and progress checks (difficult to understand->you observed a first grade classroom?at special time and snack time? or you observed special class? what is progress checks?

=> ...I found my-self taking on the initiative =>... I found myself taking...

=>but eventually I found my-self taking on the initiative to work with students independently.(delete "and as a class")

=> After spending time in the first grade class, I have became more passionate about becoming an early childhood educator.

=>...education. But I also feel that in today's society teachers also need a background in psychology, therefore I want to minor in psychology. (I don't use "But" to start a sentence, I use "However" instead. Use ";" before therefore, hence, moreover, furthermore...

=>...education. However, I feel that in today's society teachers need a psychology degree as well; therefore, I want...

Don't use the word "background" if you mean certificate or degree because "background" is so general and unclear

Writing Feedback / "wisdom" that old people have - Knowledge gained from books or from experience? [8]

Don't repeat "it is", "it" "those" "that"...be specific, give specific noun, or it is confused

Use simple sentences or short sentences if you are not sure how to write it
Take a look at this sentence " When we talk about practical things in every day life we mean for example you really learn how to cook when you begin doing it and when we talk about concepts for example you know what it is love when you have the experience of loving some one."<=This is too long, let's break it "when we talk about practical things in everyday life, we mean...(x?). For example, or ";for example, you really only learn how to cook when you are in the procedure. In the same hand, you really don't know what love is until you are in love.

=>I think that knowledge gained from experience is more important than knowledge (those) gained from books.

=>In my opinion, knowledge gained from experience is an embodied one
... it is not a cognitive knowledge it is one actualized with the reality.<=what is this, need to rewrite
=>The result is that when a similar situation happens you most know what to do and the consequence of your reactions or behaviour. (replace "result" with something elso, it's confused)

=>The best example it is when a child get burned, if it hurts surely he will never touch the fire again because he knows by he experience what happens and the association will be done automatically in his mind and body.=>For example, when a child (infant, toddler...) get burned by an accident, he will learn not touching the fire

This can be translated to every situation in every day life and also for understanding deeply the meaning of some abstract concepts like love, fear, faith or happiness. => Don't use "this", use "learning from experience" if you mean it, or you lose the reader

One of the best ways of learning things it is when you travel. (do not give 2 subjects; you have "learning" don't use "it")=> One of the best ways of leaning things is when you travel; even stronger=> The best way of learning is traveling

One of the best ways of learning things it is when you travel. This is the better example that knowledge gained from experience it is a very important source. For example going to the Coliseum or to Pyramids will give you the sense of how they lived in that period.=> you have a good point from this para, so you just prove it.

Writing Feedback / Compare & Contrast "The Two Friends" - feedback. [4]

Those are my ideas if you want to take a look

Everyone has friends, and usually they are people from all walks of life.=>Everyone has friends, who may come from different places such as workplaces, schools, or parties.

Some are so different personalities. But some are similar that it is shocking=>Some have the same personalities while others are so different from one another.

They seem to walk, talk and even eat the same=> They may favor the same food or place
Others are so very different that it is absolute wonder that they can even stand each other, let alone be friends<=this is must be rewrite

That is how Matt and Tuan started out as best friends, but the two good friends found living together a bigger task than they had ever imagines.=>Matt and Tuan were best friends, but both of them realized that living together is a difficult...(if you're talking about the past and they are no longer be friends, use "they were best friends", if they are still be friends, use "they have+ PP" because the following paraghap you're saying "they are older than me", and "...they had ever imagines=>they have ever imagined=present perfect tense

His eyes are narrow and tanned skin (you mean his eyes are narrow and his eyes are tanned???, maybe you mean this=>His eyes are narrow and his skin is tanned

he can walk through the mall without one person staring=>Though he is attractive in his own way, no girl interests on his outside look when he is passing through the mall

The two guys are the best.. (don't use guy in formal writing, use man instead)

even in the views on how they clean (delete this part)
Tuan on the other hand is extremely messy.=>Tuan, on the other hand, is ex...(add commas)

The thought of even sleeping in a messy room makes Matt extremely uncomfortable (delete "The thought of even", just start with Sleeping in a...)

When Tuan was in school, he never participated in any sports =>When Tuan was in school, he had never participated (past perfect)

Friends come in all shapes and sizes <=this need rewrite, sound awkward

Writing Feedback / Nursing, My First Job Experience (narrative essay) [3]

These are my ideas if you want to consider. Remember to type I, not "i" and I am, not just "am"

As i was going around in the city in search of a job, the only question that comes to my mind was ; how do i get this job experience when nobody is offering me a job?<= (You make a semicolon in a compound sentence; however, this is not a complete sentence "As i was going around in the city in search of a job, the only question that comes to my mind was")=>As I was going around in the city to search for a job, a question that came to my mind was how do I get job experience when nobody has offered me for a job.

I just graduated from a three year College of Nursing few months ago, and all my effort to get a job proved abortive because the open vacancies are for people with experience.<=(I'm not sure with your writing "and all my effort to get a job proved abortive", but it sounds vague and unclear "=> Although I just graduated from a three year College of Nursing few months ago, I couldn't find a job because the employers required only experienced candidates.

As i approached the house, i saw my sister smiling at me. This made me wonder what the smiling was all about only to be told a Missionary hospital call the home phone that i should resume in the next two days.<=(I don't use "approached", use "arrived" better in this sentence because you're already at home)=>As I arrived home, I saw my sister smilling at me, which made me wondering what had happened. After all, I was been told that the Missionary hospital called and said that I should send my resume within the next two days.

I was happy because i know it is time for me to be considered experienced in the labour market => I was happy because I would have a chance to get my dreamed (high-paid salary,...) job.

(AFTER THIS SENTENCE YOU SHOULD TELL THE READER YOU GOT ACCEPTED, AND THEN YOU CONNECT THE IDEA WITH YOUR THESIS...=> My experience in this hospital was the one ...

As i entered the ward i was posted to, the head nurse and other staff were holding a meeting
=>When I entered the door, I saw the head nurse and other staff..

...this people that am not a dummie=>...these people that I am not...

I took my time to study their case files and started attenting to then according to priority and urgency("attenting to then according to priority and urgency"<= What you mean by this?)

By the time my shift will be over , i have barely attended to half of the patients (you are talking about the past experience, don't use "will" and present perfect tense)

=>By the time my shift was over , i had barely attended to half of the patients

The head Nurse came to me and showed me how things will be done faster=>The head nurse came to me and showed me how things should have done faster

This made me realise.... learnt with time=> This made me realize...learned with time

...something am always afraid of while in college...=>something I am always afraid of while in college
A good example was the day a physician prescribed 15mg of brenadryl for a child of 10 years old. I drew his attention to the dosage but he said the child needs it=>For example, I drew attention of the dosage to a physician when he prescribed 15mg of brenadryl for a ten-year-old child; however, he said that the child needed medication and told me to give it to him. Eventually, the child was being put into almost 24 hours sleeping without eating and doing anything else. Nervously, (or other adverb) I reported to my head nurse, who confronted the physician and blamed on her (or him)

=>I was lucky because the child didn't get worse, and my license wouldn't have been on the line of being suspended.
=>Also, maintaining a good relationship with a boss became one of my priorties after my first job experience. My boss was the most understanding person I have ever met . Many people said she is weird, but I would say she is only disciplined and professional. On one faithful day, when I was on my way to a patient, I saw a man and he asked me to assit him to go to a restroom.(is this what you mean?) I told him to give me a couple minutes and I would be with him, but he started shouting and (screaming?). After finishing my errands, I walked to him but he started to kick, hit, and abuse me. I was calm and apologized for the waiting. Also, I showed him to the restroom but he still complained to the overall matron in charge who decided that she would punish me without even listening to my explanation. My saving grace was my immediate boss who told her that I am one of her best nurses and I have never abused any client. This showed me the power of good interpersonal relationship.

Writing Feedback / favor food, why it's so special [10]

This is my revision, I am still thinking how to insert it in the essay; however, I think this is how to cook, not mention much about the taste, smell, things like that....!

To make the dish, you need to have noodles, tomato sauce, some mushroom slices, and ready made meatballs. Those materials are basic requirement, but you can adjust the menu depending on how is your taste. For example, instead of using noodles, you can use pasta as well. Since pasta gives you more choices because it has many different in flavors and shapes such as wheat straight pasta, rice curly pasta, spinach sea-shell pasta, and so on. Tomato sauce can be made in can or jar, and it has variety of brand and taste such as crushed or chunky with or without garlic and onion. Sometimes you can see tomato sauce contains all main ingredients such as garlic, onion, and mushroom. You can find ready made meatballs with different kinds of meats like beef, fork, turkey, or combined meat. If you are more creative and a member of seafood-eater fan, you can substitute meatballs with scrimps or your favor, but the dish still gives you best taste as the original.

When you have everything ready, you may begin to start. First, you should fill water in a pan and heat it up. When you see the water is bubbling, put your noodles or pasta in and continue to steam. Before you drain the water out, peek a bite to be sure that your noodles are ready to eat. Next, you can put your tomato sauce in and stir it up. Since the tomato sauce already has tangy seasoning, you don't need to add on anything; but for me, I like sweet taste, then I may put on some sugar, so that now I have a dish of sweet, sour, and salty flavor. Finally, you can put on your ready made meatballs and mushroom at the same time. You should stir your combination again and wait about 5 minutes for your mushroom absorb to the sauce and then you can enjoy your meal.