Graduate / The physical therapy profession: Graduate Admissions Essay for DPT [3]

Hi Lindsay!

I have seen Kevin's suggestions and corrections, so I will not be redundant. You have an excellent essay here -- and I like the topic. I, too, have been effected by the world of physical therapy, but in a different way. I have offered two suggestions below; they concern the use of the semi-colon.

--Mark

For most, it can be a difficult one, but for me it was simple.simple; I wanted to become a physical therapist.
--> This is where a semi-colon can be extremely helpful.

I entered school with this field in mind,mind; however, obstacles came along that altered my path and I ended up attending a college that didn't offer a physical therapy program.

--> Another sentence when the semi-colon is helpful.

Undergraduate / "Youth's Lack of Interest" -issue of importance, how it's signifcant to my generation [4]

We find ourselves today in a generation full of young adults thatwho know little or nothing about the world that surrounds them.

They have school, family, friends, sports, and their own personal issues to worry about, which keeps them from engaging with outside problems.

Hi Maria,

I am offering you a few of the needed corrections and one suggestion. Note the sentence with the word "since." Be careful when using this word, as it is a record of time. Use the word "because" in sentences such as these in the future.

Otherwise, I think with a little work, your essay can be a very good one.

--Mark :)

The real issue is not that they live hectic lives, because if that were the case, then no one would know about the problems that were going on in the world.

The main setback here is:that many young adults are starting to become uninteresteddisinterested in today's political concerns, which inninreturnturn , affect them.

This is due, according to researchAccording to research, this is due , to the youth's lack of knowledge in the politics area.realm of politics.

This is obviously something to be very concerned about since these vote are the ones that decide the future of our country.
--> A common error: the word "since" is a record of time. Therefore, the word that is supposed to be here is "because."

Undergraduate / UTAustin: Undergraduate Transfer SOP Essay-Technical Theatre major [18]

Hi Jennifer!

You are a wonderful writer! I love your essay. It flows with colorful language. I made only a few changes or made a few comments with respect to the essay. Otherwise, I do wish you luck with your educational endeavors at the U of T!

Mark :)

The first pangs of homesickness hit me when I left the Neppach family, whom I considered as a home away from home after only four days, for Munich.

--> While there is little wrong with this sentence in your mind, there is a sense that the space between "left the Neppach family" and "for Munich" is too long. I would certainly re-work the sentence so that the space is not that great.

Similarly, University of Texas and Austin hold the same type of intimidating mystique for a girl firmly established in her no-name home town
--> I don't know what you are trying to say here, so it is difficult for me to correct it, if it does need correcting.

After completing the finishing touches, I arrived toat the senior prom fashionably late and proud of my work.

Essays / Spanish conquistadors vs native Americans [7]

Hi!

One great essay! I made only a few corrections. They were all small. You do write well, indeed!

Mark

In order to capitalize on the new world' s resources and claim land for the king of Spain, they suppressed the Native Americans.

Therefore, Christianity, the focal point of Spanish, culture was the basis of a civilized society.

In the eyes of the Spanish, the natives were nothing more than animals, who in comparison to the Spanish, were as "apes [were to] men".

So when the natives wanted to fight back against the Spanish invaders, most of their attempts failed, for their simple weaponry was no match for Spanish rifles and crossbows.

Undergraduate / Living With MCS: Personal Essay (issue of importance) at UT Austin [9]


Hot Dog,

You are obviously a very good writer! I need not tell you that. Your essay is very well written, and I have but one comment concerning the use of the semi-colon. First paragraph, next to the last sentence: the use of the semi-colon is inappropriate. Between the different disciplines that will not recognize the existence of MCS, the comma is more appropriate.

Otherwise, I dare not write anything judgmental concerning your essay! It is simply well written and I commend you for the use of the English language. I do hope that your mother, one day, receives the treatment that she deserves.

--Mark

Undergraduate / The three strengths' effects on me (Vires, Artes, Mores) - FSU Essay [3]

Hi Brianna,

In the following sentence, Reading about the murderers and rapists in the newspaper makes it appear that the majority of our population has no morals.

--> I read this twice, just to make sure that you said what I thought you did. Do you actually think that a story about a murderer or a rapist provides a representative "slice" of the entire population? How can one rely on one or two stories from the newspaper or the newscasters on television to give us an idea as to the morality of society? I am merely playing Devil's Advocate here, but I wanted to bring up the points because the sentence, by and of itself, does not make sense to me.

I am offering you some corrections with respect to a few sentences in your essay. There were some subject/verb disagreements that needed attention. I have seen other essays of this same topic, Brianna, and most of them have been a little bit longer, more involved, just to let you know.

There arewere times when I have been put into situations and had to get out of them, because I had a gut feeling that it just wasn't rightthey just weren't right .

Intellectual strength in my life is what has gotten me this far, and it has allowed me to be qualified to apply to a dignified Florida school such as this oneFlorida State University.

Mark :)

Book Reports / My essay for stony brook. Don't know what to write. [4]

Christopher,

Yes, please, check the website again for more information. I have not run across anyone else who has not been able to obtain that sort of information. Perhaps, however, they want you to just write an essay -- the topic can be of your choosing. But, I don't know, so it will be best to check and see for yourself. Is there anyone you can ask?

Mark

Writing Feedback / UNEDUCATED Vs EDUCATED (WHO TEACHES WHO?) [7]

In that case, I would recommend to you what Kevin recommends to some of the students on this site, which is -- copy some of the sentences that gave or give you the most trouble, and write them at least ten (10) times. In that amount of time, you will remember the rules of grammar and you will also remember the spelling.

Try it.

Mark

Writing Feedback / Happy is difficult to define. What factors are important to achieve happiness? [3]

Hi Duy,

After looking at what Zubaida has written about what you wrote in your essay, I certainly would not change anything else. You wrote an excellent essay, and I enjoyed reading it. The world certainly does need more people who are just "happy!" Most people, I presume, never get there.

Good job on the essay!

Mark :)

Writing Feedback / toefl: the best criterion for selecting a person to train others [4]

Hi Suven,

I have never taken the TOEFL, but I do know something about it, and your writing is far above the expectations of such a test! You are an excellent writer! I would not fear the test, just go take it, for I think that you will certainly pass it with flying colors! Good luck! I made a few corrections with respect to your essay, but they are all very, very minor. You need not worry about them.

Mark :)

FirstlyFirst , although a sound educational background is always a complement to one's career, it alone does not contribute for a person to perform up to what is expected by his employer.

And in this task particularly, the person needs to have more practical exposure than academic qualifications since training others involves lots of human interactions that need to be effectively managed

Secondly, a person who produces excellent results in his or her past assignments may have limited experience inon the job.

Also if this person is comparatively a very junior person,

Writing Feedback / UNEDUCATED Vs EDUCATED (WHO TEACHES WHO?) [7]

Hi Perera,

Boy, do I commend you for your essay! This is outstanding! And, it happens to be true, as well. You know as well as I do that book knowledge is not worth much without some common sense, and we all know that we don't teach common sense. Moreover, we also know that anyone can read a book and grasp the information -- as long as that person is equipped to learn -- that is in the book; but that does not make him or her better than the person who has not read that book. Formal education is what it is -- a means to employment (at least it is now, in the Western world). But, it has nothing to do with the IQ. It has nothing to do with the ability to learn! The uneducated person is just as valuable as the educated person in all respects. The sad part is that the uneducated person is not treated with the same respect, and that should change.

Your essay was great! I enjoyed reading it. I didn't see any grammatical or spelling errors in the text. Good job -- and thanks for taking on such a topic. It needed to be said.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / "competitive environment, world-class faculties" essay for University application [2]

Hanisha,

The University of Chicago is a great school! My son was awarded his Ph.D. from the university in Chemistry about a year ago. I've been to the campus -- very impressive.

I like your essay, Hanisha. Apparently, you took the time not only in writing the essay, but also in researching information about the university. That shows commitment, and I am sure that the people at the school would like to read your essay.

There are a few spelling errors, as you have already pointed out, and because you indicate that you are going to correct them, I fail to see the point in being redundant. Your essay is well-written and well formatted. I don't really see a problem with it being used for the purpose in which you intend. I might develop a few more lines about myself, but that is just a personal preference.

Good Luck with the U of C!

Mark :)

Undergraduate / "serving others can change your life" - Presbyterian College Essay. [3]


I read your essay, Shelby. It reads quite well. I made a few corrections for you, however.

Only seven minutes away from my school, there is a trailer that is the headquarters for the Eatonville Boys and Girls Club.
This is a safe place for underprivileged elementary children to go to after school while their parents are either at work or are just unable to care for them

--> Third paragraph, second sentence: This sentence does not make any sense, and I was afraid to try to make some sense out of it, as I have no idea what it is you are trying to say. This sentence need to be re-worked.

--> Otherwise, the essay sounds pretty good. I would make the changes I have indicated above. Good luck with the essay!

Mark :)

Essays / Children with a stay-at-home-parent advantages - is it a strong thesis? [4]

Laurel,

Excellent! You have two worlds from which to pull experiences! You can relate to the child, as well as the adult mind, which will prove to be a good essay. Again, I will look forward to reading it.

Good luck!

Mark

Undergraduate / "good and bad consequences of my own curiosity" - commonapp essay. [11]

Cheong,

I didn't see a lot of grammatical errors in the essay, unless of course, I missed them. I would have to agree with 'the powers that be,' however, in that I wonder if the essay would even be appreciated by the faculty of a college or a school, as you have pointed out. Are you planning to submit it as an essay? Certainly, it has all of the requirements of an essay.

Mark :)

Book Reports / My essay for stony brook. Don't know what to write. [4]

Christopher,

What are the specific instructions given to you by your teacher or instructor regarding the essay? What does the prompt say? What sort of essay would interest you? Are you provided with any guidelines at all? Be as specific as you can, so that we can help you.

Mark

Essays / Children with a stay-at-home-parent advantages - is it a strong thesis? [4]

It takes a certain type of person to decide to be a stay-- at- home parent; and, in this day and age, it is certainly a luxury. I believe that children with a stay at home parent have advantages over children where both parents must work.who live in a home where both parents are forced to work.

Hi Laurel!

Yes, indeed, this is a very strong thesis! I would certainly write about it. Have you any detailed information concerning this problem? Have you searched the Internet yet to find some hard data concerning the differences between the education received where the student has a stay-at-home parent as opposed to not having one? This would certainly be an eye-opener, as many school-aged children (here, I am referring to younger children) are latch-key children; they carry the keys to their houses around their necks!

Sure, you already have an excellent thesis statement; now expound on it and write something that will show us how well you can command the English language. I will look forward to reading your essay on this site.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / essay about how do you think that studying economics will help you in your major [4]


Hi Judy!

Not sure what you need or want with respect to the help, but I would assume that you are referring to the writing of an essay with respect to the field in which you are studying. Is that correct?

Well, like we have tried to tell some others in the recent past, it might behoove you to conduct a search using Google on the Internet -- and use some of the information that Ana provides directly below your own post. You might be surprised, in that you might find some excellent ways to start your essay or you might even find a means by which you can develop a topic and construct an outline.

If you should need help beyond this, then by all means, give us a shout again! This is why we are here -- to assist you. Like Ana said, it all depends on your major. What is your major?

Mark :)

Undergraduate / "Google has been one of my closest friends" - Best piece of advice (Brown) [16]

Kevin -- I was going to chime in with something of this nature, but I am too new to the crowd. I knew, however, that you would, eventually. I didn't know what to make of his comments, at first.

Mark

Undergraduate / "good and bad consequences of my own curiosity" - commonapp essay. [11]

Hi Cheong!

What an interesting essay! You are a gifted writer, indeed!

I don't have any critical comments about the essay, as it stands pretty well by itself, a sign that it was well-written. But, I do have some comments about what you chose to write about. Smoking! Yeah, I have been a victim of the cigarette myself in the past, and I can certainly relate to what you said about the addictive behavior that is associated with those people who choose to smoke. I can only imagine what was going through you mind when your father caught you smoking! Ah, but I was a mere 12 years of age when I picked up my first cancer stick, and my mother knew about it; in fact, she allowed me to have two of them a day! The situation was a little different, however. I was living in NYC, and I was bombarded by peer pressure; my mother knew that I would smoke, and I told her that I would. So, she gave in...and I smoked. That is until I reached an age when the cancer sticks started to affect the way I breathe, and then I quit -- for good.

You captured that essence -- that which was on my mind as well -- in your essay. You can apply, in fact, your essay to any form of addiction, not just to smoking. It's all the same thing, whether one is addicted to cigs, or ETOH! It is all controlled by the same parts of the brain.

I enjoyed reading your thoughts. Again, you write well. I would like to see some more of your material on this site as time permits!

Mark :)

Undergraduate / (career in medicine) - "Evaluate a Significant Experience" Common App Essay [12]


That was my point in talking with Alec about the essay in the first place, in my last statement to him. I don't think that doctors, on the average, have the time to reflect on such things as they continue to practice their craft. It's impossible 'not' to have a heart when practicing medicine or any other field that involves helping the human spirit; but to think that physicians think about each and every thing that happens to them in the field in such a manner is simply not the way things happen. Like any other profession, people get 'caught up' in their own little world and while they might have the growth and empathy to deal with specific problems that arise in the field, such as when a patient dies, they typically lack the ability to adjust to such tragedy each and every time it happens. Death is part of the life cycle, and that is the way some physicians are having to deal with the subject of dying.

I think Alec did well in capturing his audience with his essay.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / all about my self (dream about being a call-center agent) [3]

Hi Bessie,

I have made some corrections with respect to your essay. You really need to pay attention to the names of places, as they require capital letters. You should also make sure that you capitalize the "I's" in your sentences. The other errors can be seen below. Your essay was short, but I think that you can understand what I am referring to in the response to you.

Mark :)

My name is Bessie Montemayor,I was born on November 17,1988 in the city of julian felife caloocanJulian Felife Caloocan . I am the daughter of Mr and Mrs Montemayor and i' am the youngest of my seven sister and four brothers .I am the youngest of my siblings.

My father died wen when iI was seven years old, but I am thankful to godGod that heHe gave me athe best mother who carrying me and my other siblings on her own . .

even though thatiI have a big family, my mother not give up to carrying with ushas not given up caring for us.

imI'm thankful to my sistercosbecause she always allows me to use her laptop even if our current bill so highbill is too high.

Undergraduate / Teacher in management, an unforgettable person whom you have encountered in your life [7]

Hi Maninder,

I see that you revised your essay. But, let's take a look at a few of the new sentences you used:

Nobody knows what will happen very next moment and can turn the life. It can be an event, a person or can be a personal experience.

Let's re-write that as follows: No one knows what will happen in the very next moment in life; a new event can involve a person or a new personal experience.

--> That's the best I can come up with, as I don't really know what it is that you were trying to say in those two sentences.

Here's another one: Sometimes, in fact, these unexpected experiences happen, when one meets a person who has the capability to change one's life completely.

--> What are you trying to say here? I would love to be able to change the sentence, but I don't want to lose what you are trying to say.

--> I really think that your first version of the essay was better. You seem to have lost me in this version of the essay.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / "I resorted to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain"- issue of importance, UT of Austin [6]

Autumn,

Here are a few errors I saw. There are just a few. I am not sure how you change the title of the essay, Autumn...sorry...

"normal" trialtrials and ...

Strains between my father and Ime created ...

... that I followed suggestionsuggestions

... for my actions continuallycontinually, teaching me ...

Good Luck!

Mark

Undergraduate / Teacher in management, an unforgettable person whom you have encountered in your life [7]

Hi Maninder,

I think the structure of your essay is fine. It was the spelling and the choice of words that presented your problem in the essay. Certainly, I would choose to re-write the essay! You will find that you, too, can write one that will satisfy the requirements. It only takes a little bit of work on your part. You will do fine, I am sure!

Mark :)

Undergraduate / (career in medicine) - "Evaluate a Significant Experience" Common App Essay [12]

Hi again, Alec,

With respect to the last sentence in your essay, I think that it's interesting. I offers the reader somewhat of a dilemma with respect to their own thoughts -- and how the reader might think about saving someone's life as opposed to possibly having the opportunity to do so, and yet, passing it by. Of course, this is not something that anyone in his or her right mind would ever think about doing, but it does represent a bit of a conundrum, wouldn't you say? For instance, with regard to your own thoughts that you expressed in your writing, you would not have passed by the opportunity to help save someone's life, but you didn't know what was happening in that room until you entered it or came close to the door. At that point, you saw and heard the physician giving the orders for the cardio-conversion; but yet, you did not walk away -- you stayed there and witnessed the death of a person, even though you were not in a position to help at that point in your life or career. However, believe me, if you do enter the field of medicine, you will see a lot of people die; you will see death in a different way; and at times, you will feel as though you are somewhat removed from it, for one has to be that way in order to survive in the field.

With regard to the essay, however, and whether it is material of a Boston University or Hopkins caliber, as you put the question, I would have to say that you ought to re-work it first. I do know that a good writer understands that the first and subsequent re-writes are always better than the first draft, and I think that you might find a better way of expressing yourself in a re-write. Give it a try. I will be glad to critique it if you send it to the forum!

Mark :)

Book Reports / The role of woman in Sundiata: how do woman in Sundiata manage to be important? [2]

Hi Samandra,

The information that you present in your essay is extremely esoteric; it is difficult to follow it if the reader knows very little to nothing about your culture. Perhaps if you were to take the time to explain the cultural differences of the woman -- from, for instance, the Western culture -- then I think that the reader might be able to understand the differences and relate to the essay. I was all enthralled with the essay when it began, only to be disappointed later when I got to the point where I no longer understood the text. I want to understand what is being said because, well, I think that the Muslim culture is very interesting! I would like to learn more about it!

Mark :)

Graduate / Admission Essay PhD Cell and Developmental Biology [8]

Hi Melinda,

You are an excellent writer. I think that the rest of us would love to see your revision when you have it completed. Just post it here -- and we will get back with you.

Mark

Scholarship / About "Parents" - Biographical Scholarship Essay (life challenges) [9]

Hi Elena!

I read through your essay and while I think that it is an excellent story about how you dealt with your two different parents while you were growing up, the essay lacks some formatting. I found that the essay did not 'flow' that smoothly, which took away from the story a little. However, it is still a very strong, heart-felt story! Indeed it is, and I think that, with a little more work, it will be even better! How did you feel when you found that your father had cancer? Did it change the way you approached him or your mother? Did you feel as though you 'grew up' quickly when you found that your father did have the cancer?

Like I said, this is a good story! I would probably change the way in which you presented the information on the definitions for a parent, and just use words to describe them, rather than the a and the b. Just make them part of the essay.

Good luck!

Mark :)

Research Papers / James Madison, the American government and US system [2]

Hi.

I made just a few suggestive corrections to your essay. I would take up an argument, however, with regard to the following sentence: It is unquestionable that the checks and balances continue to apply in today's American and are working as originally intended. I am not too sure if this is true. Has there not been some times during our 200+ history where the checks and balances did not work as intended?

Mark :)

Essay
James Madison wrote the Federalist No. 51 to convince Americans that the new government would have a foundation in place to ensure that no one person or group would have too much power. Madison outlined the "checks and balances" portion of the new government which outlined the three branches of government which he believed would ensure that no one group would have too much power over another group.

By creating the three branches of government (the executive, legislative and judicial) the delegates built a "check and balance" system into the Constitution. To implement this means of checks and balances, the three branches of government have certain powers to "check" the other branches and make sure that the power is balanced among them. The Legislative Branch makes and passes the laws while the Judicial Branch interprets the laws. The Executive Branch has the power to veto the law. For example, the president may veto a law passed by Congress. Congress can override that veto with a vote of two-thirds of both houses. Another example is that the Supreme Court may check Congress by declaring a law unconstitutional. Additionally, the president may appoint a Supreme Court Judge but the appointment must be approved by the CongrsesSenate .

Undergraduate / "I resorted to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain"- issue of importance, UT of Austin [6]

Understood. I will look forward to your revision today. I think that you have the beginning of a good essay here, Autumn!

Mark

Undergraduate / "The loss of a loved one" - Term Paper Overcoming a challenge [3]

I am assuming that you are referring to the following sentence as your thesis statement:

The truth is that time heals all wounds and the world keeps on going as if nothing happened.

--> If this is true, then the thesis statement should be the first sentence, not the second or the third. See what you can do about making this sentence the first one in the essay. I also think that you need some additional paragraphs. Otherwise, your essay looks good and reads well.

Mark

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: MONEY is not necessarily be the most important aspect of a job always! [2]

Hi Diluni!

The best way to lengthen it (and I am assuming you are talking about the conclusion) is to go back into the body of the essay and find some other ways that you want to emphasize what has already been said. As you know, the conclusion cannot bring any new information to the table, it has to only re-state the information that has already been presented. Use your own essay body as a guide; you will find some good information there, I am sure.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / "Energy Responsibility" - UT Austin application essay Topic E [6]

Austin,

I had very few problems with the first essay -- and now the second one, with the improvements, is so much better! I like the fact that you added the "works cited." It only adds quality to the essay. I enjoyed reading the essay, in fact, as I have read quite a few books about JDR. I don't think that I could have improved on the essay, Austin. Good Work!

Mark :)

Undergraduate / Teacher in management, an unforgettable person whom you have encountered in your life [7]

Hi! I made some corrections for you with regard to your essay. I think that your most challenging part of writing at this point is keeping up with the present or the past -- while you continue to write your essay. It is sometimes difficult to do. Otherwise, your message is clear and I think that you have a good essay here.

Undergraduate / About Kirby, the top of her class: an essay about someone who has impacted your life [3]

Hi Kelsey,

I want to echo Siddharth's opinion, above, as I (also) do not understand what it is you are trying to tell us in the first paragraph of the essay. You leap from this paragraph into the second without any clear transition, and I think that this is where the confusion lies. Try to create a transition that will allow the reader to understand what "water" means to the rest of the story.

The water doesn't know that a state swimmer is about to dive into the pool. The water doesn't know this swimmer is highly ranked academically at her school. The water doesn't know that this swimmer has been my best friend for the past seven years, two of the seven she endured the most hardship which has impacted my life forever.

In the third paragraph, as it is written below, I have made a correction:

I comecame home one day to find out that Kirby's dad has been diagnosed with cancer. When I first found out, it struck me by surprise. My heart sank and I thought of Kirby and her family. Over the past years I had grown close to her mom and dad and I hated the thought of such a serious disease in their presence.

I also agree with the other critiques that were written above. It would be best, I think, if you re-worked the essay and then re-post it for us to review again. But, I do like the story! It is a heart-felt one, a tear-jerker, indeed.

Mark :)

Undergraduate / (career in medicine) - "Evaluate a Significant Experience" Common App Essay [12]

Hi!

I loved your essay! Having been in medicine myself for almost 14 years, I can certainly appreciate your thoughts and your concerns. One really never gets a chance to prepare for death -- no matter what is done! Death is not something we all think about all the time, and I think that you captured that in your essay.

I certainly do wish you luck with your endeavors while you pursue a career in medicine, if that is what you end up doing. It sounds like you have prepared for it. Your essay speaks volumes in that regard.

Mark :)

Graduate / Admission Essay PhD Cell and Developmental Biology [8]

Hi Melinda,

Well, in that case, I think that you did well with the content. It clearly identified your reasons in the essay -- for how you feel about the situation. I think that the content is well-organized. The grammar needs to be corrected; but you mentioned that you will work on that (indirectly). I enjoyed reading the substance of the essay, Melinda!

Mark :)

Undergraduate / Becoming a nurse to benefit others - USC Essay, in need of revision [5]

Hi Elizabeth,

You story is indeed a powerful one. I have always liked reading essays about those who want and wanted to enter the medical field. Having been a medical provider myself, I have the empathy that others feel when they talk and discuss the many problems that can arise in a medical situation within a matter of seconds.

I like the story, Zink that you offered in your essay. Tell me, do you feel that the name Angela was used for a reason? It's a very powerful name, indeed. It says a lot about the type of person in the story, does it not?

Good job with the essay!

Mark

Undergraduate / "I resorted to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain"- issue of importance, UT of Austin [6]

Hi Autumn!

Have you given any thought to how you are going to write your introduction and your conclusion? You have a essay body that will support your thesis, but it lacks a clear direction -- what is it that you want to stand out when the reader is through with the essay? You can use your conclusion for this purpose, as also suggested by Kevin.

Try to write your introduction and your conclusion and get back with us by posting them here on the forum.

Mark :)