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Posts by Jomaha23
Joined: Dec 27, 2010
Last Post: Jan 14, 2011
Threads: 7
Posts: 29  

From: Dominican Republic

Displayed posts: 36
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Jomaha23   
Jan 14, 2011
Undergraduate / New engineering experience--Extracurricular Essay [4]

The prompt is about "an aspect of my extracurricular life that is most important to me", so it is mainly about the job, not about engineering. I just wanted to highlight how "important" it was to me by stating that it opened my mind to anew field of study: engineering... What do you think then, it it good? ><
Jomaha23   
Jan 14, 2011
Undergraduate / New engineering experience--Extracurricular Essay [4]

Please expand upon an aspect (s) of your academic or extra-curricular background that you feel is especially important to you and that will help us to get to know you as a person Char limit: 5000.

As soon as my sophomore year was over, my father offered me the possibility to work with him at his office in the engineering area of the Banco Popular Dominicano during the summer. I did not hesitate to answer his proposal with an ecstatic "Of course!" It seemed like the perfect way to past time during the long summer vacations. Still, it turned out to be more than just a past-time activity; it was a life-changing experience. During my stay in his office, I learned more about personal values, project managing, and the construction process than any time before in my life. I must admit the job was exhausting at times and that it sometimes drained all of my energy, but it provided me with a satisfaction that I hardly find in any other activities. However, the work with my father not only provided me with great satisfaction, it also educated me in great extent. It made me grow more independent, mature, and entrepreneur, as many times I had to perform activities that required the most of my skills and abilities to be completed adequately and accurately. Moreover, the job opened my eyes to the world of engineering and served as a trigger that ignited in me a great passion for the field.

At the job, I got to know every person involved in the process of construction. Every single professional, from the technician to the architect, performed a task of extreme importance, without which a whole project could have collapsed. Each one of them performed their jobs with integrity and responsibility, values that I was able to learn, and that I started to apply on the work and on my life. During my stay, I formed part of this working team; I worked as an assistant and helped in the creation of blueprints for future projects. I was new to the task of designing, but I gave all my effort to perform it as well as I could. I sat for hours using various computer programs that helped me in the creation of the blueprints, and many times I had to make research to learn to use the programs. This was the part of the job in which I gained dependency. I was given a task and I never stood up of my chair until I performed it. With my own skills and endeavor to execute my job, I finished every single blueprint that I was assigned to create.

In many other occasions, my father took me to construction areas. During one of these visits I was able to perceive the great amount of concentration everyone put into doing their job perfectly. Seeing this scenario, I felt the urge to ask my father: "Why do they put so much concentration and effort into performing their tasks?" And my father responded with an answer I will always remember: "Because the lives of the people that are going to reside in this building are at our hands." At that moment I understood what engineering was actually about: giving your knowledge and endeavor to constantly seek for solutions to problems and ways to help others.

During most of my visits to construction areas, my father gave me certain tasks to perform. "Put that over there. Measure the height of that column. Calculate the amount of concrete needed. Create a sheet with the budgets of the day!" These are only few of the many commands that I received. The important things are not the activities themselves, but the things that I got to learn from them. For example, while making the budget sheet I was given the task of trying to figure out a way to reduce the costs of the day by allocating the resources efficiently. While performing this task my knowledge in economics and finance boosted, and I understood the real importance of project managing and the management of resources. Furthermore, most of the activities cleared my mind of stress. They awakened a feeling of excitement in me, a feeling that aroused because of the passion I have for math and physics.

This job was really important to me because it succeeded in showing me what my true passions really are, while at the same time giving me a new perspective of engineering. Rather than being just an interesting career for the future, it became a closer, more obtainable field of study. I now see it as one of the most valuable areas of study, as it connects the professional with the society and the rest of the world. Working with my father taught me many valuable lessons that cannot be found even on the most advanced classes at school. It was really a life-changing experience.

**Accepting any kind of critiques. PLease tell me if its weak, what it lacks, what I should eliminate, what I should add, if it lacks smoothness, consistency, if it is out of topic, ANYTHING!!! (and Grammar :P)**
Jomaha23   
Jan 14, 2011
Undergraduate / GMU-- appreciate the life one is given (ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP) [9]

So, will you help me again in my essay :(! Im running out of time, if not just reply to me and say that you have no time... I'll understand! xD Thanks a lot in advance! By the way, I'm really impressed at your writing I can't get enough of your essay... it's great!
Jomaha23   
Jan 14, 2011
Undergraduate / "In a family of ten..." - my family, school, background CU Boulder Short Essay [3]

As for grammar errors, I really found none. The context of the essay is good, but it somehow lacks a connection between the idea of your first paragraph, your idea on the second paragraph, and the prompt. You should focus more on answering HOW your family environment affected or inspired you to study psychiatry? COnnect your ideas on your first paragraph (Which are great) to your second paragraph. How coming from your family made you thoughtful (as you said). How did it manage to change your perspective of study? How it inspired you to follow your desire for psychiatry? How has your family background made you want to succeed in life. It never hurts to talk about specific situations that actually happened in your family environment. Your essay is strong, but answer the questions I mentioned and it will be perfect. This is just a suggestion, your essay is great, but IN MY OPINION ONLY, it needs little, little, little, improvements.

Best of lucks :)!

By the way can you please check my essay back :( I need some help !! It is the Georgia Tech one, just click on the link below that says "Help with mine?" Thanks in advance :)!
Jomaha23   
Jan 14, 2011
Essays / About the importance of joy - dont know how to write my bard essay [6]

memory from the past just brings a smile to my face. I t might be the memory of me and my friends having fun or simply me listening to my favorite song. These memories just inspire in me that sense of well-being and peace, and I realiz e what really matters to me.

Joy is our destiny; it is not a thing that we can buy with our wealth or worldly thi ngs. Joy is very deep within us and sometimes we dont even realiz e we are the only ones who can make ourselves feel real and true joy. No human is the source to our joy but we ourselves.

As we strain to grasp the things we desire, the things we think will make us feel better like money, popularity, and fame, we ignore the simple things that truly matters like joy, love, friendship, family, which are things we propably already had, but that we never really cared about (or something like that :P )

You must check fro grammar errors, and divide into sentences. You have way too much run-on sentences, but the grammar needs revising. I got to go now, so I did not have enough time to check your whole essay, maybe someone else can. By the way, if you can check my essay I'll be grateful. Thanks in advance.
Jomaha23   
Jan 13, 2011
Undergraduate / GMU-- appreciate the life one is given (ACTIVITIES AND LEADERSHIP) [9]

This team gives children with disabilities... (unless the team already ended or vanished). I could not find any other mistakes than this. It is a reallyyy, reallyyy, reallyy gret essay. It almost made me cry. It tells MUCH about yourself and the universities love that! Great way of writing as well, very smooth and precise.

By the way, sorry to bother, but your post on my Georgia Tech Essay was weirdly removed, so if you could please re-post it or re-correct my essay I would appreciate it much... Really sorry to bother you :(, I know you are busy too! Thanks a lot in advance! :)
Jomaha23   
Jan 13, 2011
Undergraduate / Press Play - life with a video player setting (Hopkins Supp) [11]

This is a great essay!! Really impressive, creative, engaging! It has everything an essay should have. It shows your interests and let me say that in a very enjoyable way. Great way to answer the prompt! I like it. I was not able to find any grammatical mistakes, but maybe I just overlooked! I wish you good luck :)!

By the way check my Georgia Tech Essay please I am having kind of trouble with it. I want someone to tell me if its strong enough and if not what should I add. Thanks in advance :)!!
Jomaha23   
Jan 13, 2011
Essays / About the importance of joy - dont know how to write my bard essay [6]

The letter the guy wrote seems to highlight the seriousness of true joy. SO you must take track and write about how serious you think joy is? Why joy is so important? What benefits does it brings to be joyful? What, in your opinion, is true joy? All this are tracks to start your essay. Always remember to support your argument with personal examples as it makes the essay more vivid and tells the university more about yourself. Remember TELL, but also SHOW what you are telling. Hope this helps.

By the way if you have time please check my Georgia Tech Essay, Thanks :)!
Jomaha23   
Jan 13, 2011
Undergraduate / Changing an Idea into an Action from Leadership Point of View - Application Essay [5]

I Agree with the previous poster. Make those grammatical corrections and your good. The essay is great and answers the prompt correctly, but I think the starting sentence is a bit redundant. If the prompt asks you to say about a time you turned an idea into an action, then starting like "I nurtured an idea that grew into an action." It is somehow redundant since the essay reader already knows that's what you going to talk about in the essay. Maybe change and use other words, or just eliminate it. Remember that TELLING what you did is not as important as SHOWING it. Maybe if you eliminate that first sentence you can use the space for other ideas. Hope this helps :)!

Great essay overall.

Can you please check mine? :)
Jomaha23   
Jan 13, 2011
Undergraduate / "passion for animals" - Clark Supplement [6]

You use the word "while" too much to begin a sentence. Maybe change that a little bit to reduce redundancy. I really like your respond. And about the last sentence I do think it is a bit out of topic, you should mention your pets, since they really show how you care about them, but it does not relate to the first part of the sentence (not eating meat). Maybe you can make a new paragraph stating how happy you are to help them, and SHOW how have you helped them. A great deal of a good essay is SHOWING and not just TELLING. In general, is a great respond.

By the way, as the previous poster say you mauy want to include part of the motto or how you challenge convention in your essay ( remember to show and not just tell ) :)!! God luck xD!

By the way check my essay please. The one abut Georgia Tech :) Thanks in advance.
Jomaha23   
Jan 12, 2011
Student Talk / Georgia Tech - wondering about my chances of getting in? [29]

I was wondering too...
I am an international Student and got an iBT TOEFL Score of 105.
My SAT's are as follow:
Math: 770 Reading: 530 Writing: 580
(I am actually retaking SAT on Jan 22 because of my reading and writing grades)
SAT II:
Math 1: 730 Math 2: 670 Physics: 670
I have taken 2 years of Physics and 2 years of chemistry.
I am the top student of my class.

As for the essay, you can check it by clicking on the "Help with mine?" link below. I will really appreciate help with my essay. Thank You in Advance :)

So... What are my chances? :)
Jomaha23   
Jan 12, 2011
Undergraduate / "Working with my father" - Georgia Tech Extracurricular Activity [2]

Please expand upon an aspect (s) of your academic or extra-curricular background that you feel is especially important to you and that will help us to get to know you as a person Char limit: 5000.

As soon as my sophomore year was over, my father offered me the possibility to work with him at his office in the engineering area of the Banco Popular Dominicano during the summer. I did not hesitate to answer his proposal with an ecstatic "Of course!" It seemed like the perfect way to past time during the long summer vacations. Still, it turned out to be more than just a past-time activity; it was a life-changing experience. During my stay in his office, I learned more about personal values, project managing, and the construction process than any time before in my life. I must admit the job was exhausting at times and that it sometimes drained all of my energy, but it provided me with a satisfaction that I hardly find in any other activities. However, the work with my father not only provided me with great satisfaction, it also educated me in great extent. It made me grow more independent, mature, and entrepreneur, as many times I had to perform activities that required the most of my skills and abilities to be completed adequately and accurately. Moreover, the job opened my eyes to the world of engineering and served as a trigger that ignited in me a great passion for the field.

At the job, I got to know every person involved in the process of construction. Every single professional, from the technician to the architect, performed a task of extreme importance, without which a whole project could have collapsed. Each one of them performed their jobs with integrity and responsibility, values that I was able to learn, and that I started to apply on the work and on my life. During my stay, I formed part of this working team; I worked as an assistant and helped in the creation of blueprints for future projects. I was new to the task of designing, but I gave all my effort to perform it as well as I could. I sat for hours using various computer programs that helped me in the creation of the blueprints, and many times I had to make research to learn to use the programs. This was the part of the job in which I gained dependency. I was given a task and I never stood up of my chair until I performed it. With my own skills and endeavor to execute my job, I finished every single blueprint that I was assigned to create.

In many other occasions, my father took me to construction areas. During one of these visits I was able to perceive the great amount of concentration everyone put into doing their job perfectly. Seeing this scenario, I felt the urge to ask my father: "Why do they put so much concentration and effort into performing their tasks?" And my father responded with an answer I will always remember: "Because the lives of the people that are going to reside in this building are at our hands." At that moment I understood what engineering was actually about: giving your knowledge and endeavor to constantly seek for solutions to problems and ways to help others.

During most of my visits to construction areas, my father gave me certain tasks to perform. "Put that over there. Measure the height of that column. Calculate the amount of concrete needed. Create a sheet with the budgets of the day!" These are only few of the many commands that I received. The important things are not the activities themselves, but the things that I got to learn from them. For example, while making the budget sheet I was given the task of trying to figure out a way to reduce the costs of the day by allocating the resources efficiently. While performing this task my knowledge in economics and finance boosted, and I understood the real importance of project managing and the management of resources. Furthermore, most of the activities cleared my mind of stress. They awakened a feeling of excitement in me, a feeling that aroused because of the passion I have for math and physics.

This job was really important to me because it succeeded in showing me what my true passions really are, while at the same time giving me a new perspective of engineering. Rather than being just an interesting career for the future, it became a closer, more obtainable field of study. I now see it as one of the most valuable areas of study, as it connects the professional with the society and the rest of the world. Working with my father taught me many valuable lessons that cannot be found even on the most advanced classes at school. It was really a life-changing experience.

**Accepting any kind of critiques. PLease tell me if its weak, what it lacks, what I should eliminate, what I should add, if it lacks smoothness, consistency, if it is out of topic, ANYTHING!!! (and Grammar :P)**
Jomaha23   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Columbia: A Unique but Unusual Approach. Is it too Wierd? [14]

Greatness!! Besiides the grammar corrections the first person made, i think your essay was extremely awesome! great language, very concise!!

I would like if you please check my princeton essay i kinda need help making it smoother and shorter! Thank you in advance and best of lucks!! :))
Jomaha23   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "the use of Physics and Mathematics concepts" - MIT Department Essay [6]

Thanks Once again, I really appreciate your time :)!
If you got any more time to spare please check my Princeton essay and give me your take on it! Dont feel pressured if you do not have time to check it I'll understand... we're all stressed out with this applications ><!
Jomaha23   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Pokémon; I'll never be too old to do anything" - Princeton Supplement Option 4 [5]

VERY, VERY Creative writing, really captures the reader's attention, which is good. Still, I understood the connection you made with the quote, but you barely spent time talking about "never saying goodbye" and too much talking about Pokémon. You writing is great , I must admit, but I suggest you talk more about yourself than the Pokémon game itself. This suggestion is not necessarily correct, because I think it pretty good as it is now, I'm just saying... do what you want :) you are on the right track!

Best of Luck in your applications :)!

By the way, can you please check my Princeton Engineering Essay? THANKS YOU :)
Jomaha23   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Living the everyday" - Common app essay [12]

GREAT ESSAY! It caught me from top to bottom. Your description is great, as well as your language. The context of the essay does depicts much about your speaking, but the syntax of it add up much to your way of speaking. The way you write is great, which gives the reader the certainty that you REALLY speak very well. I agree with map18, you should add more on the student government to prove your point completely.

Best of lucks!! :)

Please check my MIT Department Essay is just 160 words, is not long :) Please! :)!!
Jomaha23   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "the use of Physics and Mathematics concepts" - MIT Department Essay [6]

Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (100 word o fewer)

Even looking for explanation to the most trivial things, like the reason why the sound of my guitar strings is more acute when they are tightened, amuses me. It seems like everything can be explained with the use of Physics and Mathematics concepts. It is of my interest to be able to apply the knowledge I have on these fields to seek for solutions to the broadest and most pivotal issues the world is presently facing. Just thinking that many lives can be saved if the quality of infrastructures increases and if the construction of anti-seismic buildings came to shine inspires me.

I know that at MIT's Civil and Environmental Engineering Department, Course 1-C, my structural, computational, and engineering skills will be taken to new heights. Through extensive research in the so many labs found in this department, including the Parsons Laboratory of Environmental Engineering, and the complex team-oriented projects, my ability to come up with solutions to society's problems will develop drastically and my path to a better world will form.

Please check for redundancy, grammar, structure, smoothness, specificity, and goodness :P!!
Thanks i advance I really appreciate your time :) By the way is kind of long so please help me reduce it ><!

Jomaha23   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "embarrassed that I can't speak good Chinese" - Stanford roommate essay [5]

Very original!

In this part:

"those other numbers are numbers of some of the restaurants around here. I'm a big fan of food so I made sure to jot down the numbers"

You repeat numbers three times in just one sentence, maybe try to reduce this sentence and avoid overusing the same words.

It was very original to use the scribbling at the beginning and the whole essay really tells a lot of things about you!

Check my MIT Department essay PLEASE :))!!
Thanks in Advance!
Jomaha23   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "I don't like to talk" - Stanford Essay #2 [6]

It sounds great to me as it is now. I was going to say exactly what the others said about your original work. The first paragraph was repetitive and redundant, but you actually changed it for good. Really impressive, I would be scared (:P) and excited to meet you if I were your roommate. It really expresses who you are.

I replied to a comment you made to my MIT challenge essay, so if you have the chance to see my reply and reply back I would appreciate it.
Jomaha23   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Maintaining good grades" - Challenge Essay-- MIT [5]

Maintaining good grades has always been my goal, but for a couple of years the attainment of this goal became really hard. When I was just ten years old, I was transferred from a school where Spanish was the main language to a bilingual school. The first years at my new school were extremely difficult. Much of the time I was not able to understand my teachers, because I had little skills at comprehending and speaking English. I recall that one time when my Reading teacher assigned us a project in which we had to create a story and then dramatize it. I found this task almost impossible to make. Luckily, I got the help of my classmate Valentina. If Valentina did not help me that one time, I am sure I would have failed the class. My lack of English skills caused my grades to crumble down drastically, but I did not allow this to bring my spirit down too. I was determined to keep my record of good grades, so I gave all the energy of my mind and body to achieve this goal.

Since that project, I partook in getting ahead on my own two feet. Every day after school was over, I went to take English classes for three hours straight. Afterwards I went home and did all my homework with the help of a dictionary and my computer. Just after finishing my homework, I practiced my English vocabulary until late at night. My mother always told me: "You are stressing yourself too much, your body needs rest." Luckily, I did not pay attention to her comments because my hard effort was giving good results. My English proficiency was gradually getting better, and as a result my grades increased each evaluation period. After two years of intense practice, I was able to speak and understand English perfectly, and I became one of the top students of my class.

Version 2:
"We are going to transfer you to a Bilingual School" As soon as those words came out of my parents' mouth, fear and sadness consumed me. I had no skills at understanding or comprehending the English Language, so my goal of always keeping good grades was at risk. As I expected, my first years at my new school were extremely challenging. Most of the time I was not able to understand my teachers, because of my poor English proficiency. I recall that one time when my Reading teacher assigned us a project in which we had to create a story and then dramatize it. I found this task almost impossible to make. Luckily, I got the help of my classmate, Valentina. If Valentina didn't help me that one time, I am sure I would have failed the class. During the first evaluation periods, my grades went down drastically, but I did not allow this to bring my spirit down too. I was determined to increase my grades, so I gave all the energy of my mind and body to achieve this goal.

Since that project, I partook in getting ahead on my own two feet. Every afternoon after school was over, I took English classes for three hours straight, looking to improve my English skills. After the class was over, I headed home and I did my homework, always with the help of an English to Spanish dictionary. Afterwards, I practiced my English vocabulary until it was late at night. My days seemed endless and they were exhausting, but my great effort was giving results. My English proficiency was gradually getting better, and my grades were improving. After two years of intense practice, I was able to speak and understand English perfectly, and I became one of the top students of my class. No longer my work depended on the help of the dictionary or on the assistance of Valentina.

Everything is welcomed :)!!
Jomaha23   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "my history class my teacher said" - BOWDOIN ESSAY INTELLECTUAL ENGAGEMENT [2]

The next day, I went to my math class and my teacher said something relevant that...

All this got me thinking that it must be the same with life. There are always two ways ....

I think you should re-read the essay. The idea is great, but you have some grammatical errors to care about. Revise your commas, punctuation, sentence completeness, and structure.

Please revise my essays too :)
Jomaha23   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Progressive Environment" - What I find most appealing about Columbia [4]

It is great!! You really prove your knowledge about the University, which is exactly what they look for! I did not see much of a connection or relevance on the "pizza" sentence, even thought it makes the essay more vivid, you can use those words for better expanding your interest. Still, that's just my opinion.

Overall the essay is GREAT! :)

By the way can you check my essays? I would love if you check my MIT essays :) specially the one concerning the attribute I'm most proud of.

Thanks in advance and best of luck :)!
Jomaha23   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / (passion for music) MIT World+ Personality (focus on my goals) + Pleasure Prompts! [2]

#1 We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)

I have a great passion for music. It provides me with satisfaction that I hardly find in other activities. Listening to it disconnects me from the outside world and from my stressful life. When I'm tense, I plug in my earphones and listen to my favorite bands. This single act reliefs all my stress and anxieties. Furthermore, when my academic activities drain all my energy, I often grab my guitar. Playing it amuses and reliefs me, as if my stress flows out of my body with every single note I play and with every single strum I make. Music is like a new world for me, a world where I reach a state of peacefulness and tranquility.

#3 What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about.

I was nine years old; I was crying because I couldn't memorize the capitals of all the American countries for a test I had the next day. It seemed impossible for me to retain all the information in my head, but soon I realized that crying and stressing out was not the solution. I calmed down and pondered on an advice my dad once gave me: "Never block yourself in front of difficult situations" Suddenly, I dried up my tears, cleared my mind, and focused on the test material. The next day I got an excellent grade on my test. That one little grade on the test didn't really matter, but what really matters is that it ignited in me the aspect of my personality that I am presently most proud of: perseverance.

Many times in my academic and personal life I've been a the point of surrender, but I always focus on my goals, reflect upon what is stopping me, and try to come up with a solution. When I was in eighth grade I had to do a science fair project about the chemical element of palladium and its effects on nature. The experiment I intended to perform required the use of a piece of palladium, but it was scarce in my country. I looked in every store, and finally was able to find one, just a day before the experiment was due. That night I stood up until 3:00 AM making my experiment work. The next day I won 2nd place in the science fair, proving to me that my perseverance has opened my path to success.

#4 Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?

I was raised in a country where...

Any suggestions, corrections (in grammar, context, transition of ideas, smoothness, out-of-topic, too broad, too narrow, ANYTHING) is welcomed! Thanks a lot in advance! :)
Jomaha23   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "a country where everyone seeks for success" - MIT Describe your World [8]

Jen_rhymesw_Ten
I was born and raised in a country where everyone has a desire to succeed. However, no one seems to care about the development of the society as a whole. Poverty has consumed the entire country, and the street corners are filled with kids dying from hunger. Furthermore, the construction of low quality infrastructures has spread rapidly in my country. It is inevitable to feel fear each time you enter a building, because most do not even meet the 'minimum level of safety' requirements and the thought of it crumbling down consumes you. People seem to pay minimal attention to this issue, as they are blinded with attaining their own personal goals, but something has to be done.

I dream of ameliorating the issues and flaws I'm exposed to in my society. Which is the reason I want to study engineering. I have dreams of applying my mathematical and scientific abilities to bring about solutions to the problems my country and the world are presently facing.

Every morning on my way to school I'm able to spot the image of poor kids sitting in front of poorly constructed houses, some of which do not even have windows, roofs, or doors. Houses are meant to provide shelter and protection, but these houses are not even near to offering these privileges to its inhabitants. Someday I want to stand in front of the people living on these houses and say "I'm here to help!" Studying civil engineering will make this wish a reality, as it will strengthen my skills in mathematics, science, and construction, which I could use for the building of new residences and for the establishment of a new world.

That's my new draft, I followed your advise and added some other things. IT has 280 words and he limit is 250. Any suggestions ? Thanks a lot by the way :)!
Jomaha23   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "drifted to an unwanted destination" - U of I transfer common essay [9]

Good essay, overall. I found this grammar mistake:

...and being able to composed...

You really point out your interest and idea, but you are saying like "I hate where I am", try to be more gentle. :p Hope this helps!

Help me back on my essay please :)
Jomaha23   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Engineering and Dad's Influence - Princeton Essays [6]

Any suggestions are welcomed!! Any insults as well :P! Please review one or both :)!!

1)If you are interested in pursuing a B.S.E. (Bachelor of Science in Engineering) degree, please write an essay describing why you are interested in studying engineering, any experiences in or exposure to engineering you have had, and how you think the programs in engineering offered at Princeton suit your particular interests.

Blueprints, metric rulers, buildings, and infrastructures are things that my father, as a civil engineer, has exposed me to since I was a little kid. Ever since then, I've found construction and engineering really interesting. Still, as I grew up I got more exposed to the field of engineering, and I've gained another perspective of it. Rather than just seeing it as simply interesting, I see it as one of the most important areas of study, as it prompts the professional to constantly seek for solutions to society's problems. This, specifically, is what attracts me the most to engineering, because seeking solutions and explanations through the use of mathematical and scientific knowledge is one of my passions. Even looking for explanation to the most trivial things, like the reason why the sound of my guitar strings is more acute when they are tightened, amazes me. My exposure to the field and my inclination and skills in areas such as physics and mathematics, have shaped my decision of becoming a civil engineer. Furthermore, in comparison to other careers, it will offer me a vast variety of work opportunities. It will allow me to work in fields such as project management, construction management, or even finance. Engineering will prepare me for the world, and its wide range of specializations will allow me to develop as a complete and versatile professional.

After finishing my sophomore year, my father offered me the possibility to work with him at his office in the engineering area of the Banco Popular Dominicano. I did not hesitate to answer his proposal with an ecstatic "Of course!" At his office I got to know every person involved in the building process of a bank's faculty. Every single professional, from the technician to the architect, performed a task of extreme importance, without which a whole project could have collapsed. During my stay, I formed part of this working team; I worked as an assistant and helped in the creation of blueprints of future projects. In many occasions, my father took me with him to construction areas. During these visits, my father always gave me certain tasks to perform that ranged from making a variety of measurements to preparing a budget sheet with all the costs of the day. The activities ignited a feeling of excitement in me, a feeling that aroused because of the passion I have for math, physics, and engineering in general. All these activities taught me much about engineering, shaping my career decision and making me aware of what my true passions are.

In addition to my work experience, the challenges and issues the world faces today and my desire to attain certain personal goals have strengthened my decision of becoming a civil engineer. Presently, civil engineers face the challenge of trying to come up with a building method to deal with the urban growth without damaging the environment. This challenge captures my attention, and I would like to actively participate in the search of innovative solutions to it that will contribute to the creation of a "greener" world. Additionally, studying civil engineering will help me attain my personal goal of founding and owning a company in Construction Management in association with my father.

At Princeton University my interests will be satisfied and my goals will become a reality. Princeton University will provide me with rigorous civil and environmental engineering programs that will help me develop my knowledge in engineering, sciences, and environmental preservation in a way that not many universities can do. Furthermore, Princeton gives the student the opportunity of specializing as Structural Engineers, a specialization that will help me attain my goal of seeking for a better world as it prepares the student to address the main problems of modern engineering. Princeton also encourages and provides the best environment for extensive research and experimentations, along with programs that let the students interact with real engineering companies. These programs and researches will let me aid society, while at the same time they will expand my knowledge and shape my path to the world.

2)"Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way."

The one person who has influenced me the most is my father. He has altered my way of thinking, confronting challenges, and seeing the world around me.

Throughout my whole life my father has always been present. Often, when I do something, there is a saying of his in my head. This is true for small thing, like conserving energy. Ever since I was little he has told me: "Always turn off the lights when you are not using them. It is important to save energy." Nowadays, I find myself confirming twice that I have turned off all the lights before I leave a room.

Then, there is his advice on longer issues, like how to confront challenges. Once, when I was 9 years old, I was crying because I couldn't memorize the capitals of all the American countries for a test. My dad sat beside me and told me: "Never block yourself in front of difficult situations." After hearing his advice, I dried my tears, cleared my mind of negative thoughts, and focused on the test material I had to study. The next day I got an excellent grade on my test. That one little grade on the test didn't really matter, but I still remember my dad's advice when confronting bigger challenges like loosing or getting apart from a close relative, for example, my grandparents; preventing conflicts with my friends, or making hard decisions, like whether or not to enroll in all the AP classes at my school. Even when math problems seem to have no solution, or when it seems impossible to memorize the dates of United States Civil War Battles, I think of the advice my dad gave me, and I try to come up with the solution.

My father has also changed my view of the world. Every morning he reads out loud the title of a newspaper article that he finds important, and that he believes I must hear. The articles he reads are often about people who die in my country because of poverty or bad life conditions. At first I paid little attention and interest to his readings. I thought it was senseless, and I found everything he read had nothing to do with me, but I was wrong. Now, I understand he read these titles to give men an image about the actual world we live in, a world full of poverty, world hunger, conflicts, wars. My father wanted to enlighten me with sad, but true, facts about the world I'm going to be exposed in some years, and which I will have to fight all by myself. My father has given me a new and more humane perspective of the world. This new perspective has shaped my life goal: become a renowned engineer and make a difference in the world, always seeking for the good of the society.

I may never have to face some of the personal challenges my father faced as a kid like loosing his parents in hands of incurable diseases, loosing his brother in an accident, or suffering due to low life conditions caused by lack of resources and money. However, I've learned from his experiences and I try to emulate the values that made him the prosperous men he is today. His success has taught me that one must always be optimistic and perseverant to accomplish what is desired. Many times I've been at the point of surrender, but I always reflect upon what's stopping me and try to come up with a solution to the issue. For example, when I was in eighth grade I had to do a science fair project about the chemical element of palladium and its effects on nature. The experiment I intended to perform required the use of a piece of palladium, but it was scarce in my country. The week before the science fair was due I still didn't have the palladium, but I did not surrender, I kept on looking in every store. Finally, I was able to find one, just a day before the experiment was due. That night I stood up until 3:00 AM making my experiment work, and it did. The next day I won 2nd place in the science fair. Once again, what really matters is not the recognition I received, but the way my father has altered my way of approaching issues and challenges.

Furthermore, my father's career as an engineer has exposed me to the field, and I have developed great interest and skills in the area. In addition, his great dexterity in math, physics, and project management has inspired me to follow his steps.

My father has been one of the most influential figures in my life. Not only because he provides me with a great education, but also because he gives me support in every situation I face. He has changed my vision of the world and has always inspired me to do the correct thing and to care about others. His success, his values, and his numerous advices have shaped the person I presently am.
Jomaha23   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "great for studying math and science" - Why Harvey Mudd essay [4]

"The clinic program has deeply interested me , as..."
"...real world experience while ..."

Last sentence could be: I'm sure my time at the university will be unforgettable.

The essay really answers the prompt, but I think you should have a thesis. The thesis should include EVERY SINGLE ASPECT you like about the university, then in the paragraph body you should have all the little details. Thats all I think, Good luck :)!
Jomaha23   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "to be part of Key Club" - on Extra Curricular activities [8]

I agree with diboy2. Mentioning you are good at web design could be replaced with a sentence that says MORE about the activity and INDIRECTLY state you are good at web design. Good writing by the way. Best of Luck :)!!

Check on my essays if you have any chance :)!
Jomaha23   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Why Columbia? wide scope of human mind [4]

It is a good essay. I would say that you may want to expand or specify for what "future careers" does it prepare you? The idea of being "another face in the crowd" (in my opinion) gives an idea that you are afraid of diversity or that others stand out before you? If you make yourself stand out you shouldn't be afraid of big classes. Maybe change that idea a little bit so the University don't see you as scared. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS GIVE THEM A GOOD IDEA OF YOU!
Jomaha23   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "a country where everyone seeks for success" - MIT Describe your World [8]

Thanks a lot, any other suggestions is welcomed. By the way, what do you think about the transition between the 1st and second paragraph. I mean, my second paragraph is an example I wanted to give to make it more personal, but is it correctly... lets say 'introduced'? you said I should be more precise, can you further this idea? Thanks a lot!

By the way do you have any essays you want me to review?
Jomaha23   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "a country where everyone seeks for success" - MIT Describe your World [8]

Prompt: Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations? (200-250 words)

I come from a country where everyone seeks for success, but where no one cares about the development of the society as a whole. A place where one is able to spot kids on the streets dying of hunger, and people drowning in money that pay minimal attention to their surroundings. I come from a country where buildings do not even meet the 'minimum level of safety' requirement and where the construction of low quality infrastructures has spread rapidly. I come from a world I'd like to change. I want to be able to ameliorate the issues and flaws I'm exposed to in my society. For this reason I want to study engineering, to be able to apply my mathematical and scientific abilities to seek for innovative solutions to the problems the world is presently facing.

Every morning on my way to school I'm able to spot the image of poor kids sitting in front of poorly constructed houses, some of which do not even have windows, roofs, or doors. Houses are meant to provide shelter and protection, but these houses are not even near to offering these privileges to its inhabitants. Someday I wish I could be able to stand in front of the people living on these houses and say "I'm here to help!" Studying civil engineering will make this wish a reality, as it will strengthen my skills in mathematics, science and construction, which I could use for the building of new residences and for the establishment of a new world.

I accept any kind of help! Critiques, Insults (:P), Grammar correction, redundancy corrections, Detailed corrections. Specially: Context correction and Transition of ideas correction!! THANKS a lot in advance :)
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