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Posts by ukkuma
Joined: Dec 28, 2010
Last Post: Oct 30, 2011
Threads: 3
Posts: 40  
From: Japan

Displayed posts: 43 / page 1 of 2
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ukkuma   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'tutoring sciences and mathematics' - Extracurricular short answer [4]

I agree with sushilife above. Your response is straight-to-the-point, but needs to show more to leave a lasting impact on readers. Right now, it sounds like a bullet list.

Take this line for example:

It is very rewarding being able to help others having trouble with their academic courses.

Try add some depth; how is it rewarding? Could you illustrate it?

Or, you could try cutting out this line:

The subjects I mentor my fellow students in include general chemistry, biology, and every level of math until Calculus II.

(A detailed list of what subjects you teach is not really necessary)
That way, your sentences flow more smoothly.

It is very rewarding being able to help others having trouble with their academic courses. The subjects I mentor my fellow students in include general chemistry, biology, and every level of math until Calculus II. To me, tutoring is a way of relearning everything and a way to change the way I see the subject in different ways(You may want to revise this; that's too many "way"s in the same sentence) . This is very beneficial and it is the reason why I enjoy doing it(Again, try to show how it is beneficial and how you enjoy it) . By Tutoring, I am able to interact with different students and learn how to communicate better. Doing so, I also learn different teaching methods and different ways to get my point straight with different subjects."

Hope this helps!
ukkuma   
Mar 6, 2011
Writing Feedback / Chinas one child policy and the group that is most affected [3]

After the passing of Mao Zedong, the belief of having a large population diminished since China's population had grown to unimaginable numbers. Took out a comma.

For instance, in "The Little Emperors" by Daniela Dean , Daniela Dean wrote about the horrors that came about from this policy and the devastating effects it has had on females.

The reason being for this is that boys can help around the plantations as well as take care of their parents when they grow old. On the other hand, women are seen less of because they cannot help at the family's farms and plantations.

This policy has had undesired effects on young girls' physical health. I added an apostrophe there.

She had aIn response to her husband's threats, she threatenedher husbandhim by saying that if he did not allow her to keep their daughter, she would leave him taking her daughter with her and never to return to him .

This sentence tends to repeat some words, so I tried to tighten it up a bit.

Other than that, I think you did a wonderful job! The essay was very informative.
ukkuma   
Feb 18, 2011
Letters / "I am a kind of person who loves and care silently"; An Open Letter to Your Parents [4]

Aw, this is sweet. I don't think you're rotten candy at all lol.

I am the type of person who is not showy, a kind of person who loves and care silently. But I try to show how much I appreciate someone through little ways.

Don't begin a sentence with "but." Perhaps you could condense this into one sentence. For example: Although I am a somewhat reserved person, I try to show how much I appreciate someone in little ways.

I knowEven though we're not that close to each other,yet you're the person I will miss the most here in Saudi. I don't want to leave you alone but that's just the way how life goes. I'll make sure to study well for you and all the exhaustion you have experienced for us. Just please also make sure you are going toto take care of yourself at all times .

Thank you so much for all of your sacrifices, Ama.--->Hmm..."sacrifice" seems a little...heavy? Maybe you could just say "thank you so much for all that you've done."

Nice letter :)
ukkuma   
Feb 18, 2011
Undergraduate / UT Austin College Essay - Destructive Factionalism in American Politics [5]

While I think this is well written, I feel it may not be perfectly suited for a college admissions essay. I think you have to connect the essay to yourself more and make it personal. I can see that you are well researched, and the writing itself doesn't seem to contain glaring errors. However, if you ask whether this essay gives me a lasting impact, I'm afraid I have to say no. You can show more, maybe include a little episode in which you really felt the importance of this issue. This is probably the only place in your application where the readers are going to get to know you as a person, so don't hesitate to paint it in your own colors. Sorry if I was harsh, but I want to help you get in (I like Texas^^).

This is just my opinion, but I say "show" more of yourself and loosen up a bit in your essay. Good luck!
ukkuma   
Feb 18, 2011
Scholarship / Got Milk Scholarship-"Describe how milk has been a part of your life" up to 250 word [3]

This is wonderful! Actually, I've always liked your writing :) I love the little details, and it's so easy to picture the scenes. I don't see anything wrong with this, apart from a few errors.

---Occasionally my parents and I load into the old Chevy and drive down to visit Horace and Annie, an Amish couple that owns a dairy farm.

---There is nothing quite like bringing home a jar of warm milk, squeezed just minutes before.
ukkuma   
Feb 15, 2011
Undergraduate / "Quality education in rich communities" - Why The College of Wooster? [5]

Hey, I quite agree with jackrw here. You need to be more specific. When writing a supplementary essay, you have to be sure you're writing specifically about that school. Try substituting school B in place of school C when writing. If it flows smoothly, that means your essay is too generic. I know it's really tough to work with just 500 characters. I struggled with it way more than my main essay. But I know you'll get there.

By the way, I also applied to Wooster!! Hope we both get in :)
ukkuma   
Jan 31, 2011
Undergraduate / P.A.D.S., a life changing experience. Common App Extracurricular Essay. [7]

Hi. I have to say, this is very well written. Your story is truly inspiring; it makes me ashamed of myself for feeling lousy with my life. I take my hat off to you. :)

That being said, this is over by about 200 words, so you need some trimming here. It's difficult to cut parts though, because it's so well done already! Here's some of my personal feedback:

Sorry I couldn't condense it much. Here's a suggestion though, maybe you could cut the whole description in the beginning of the homeless people and get straight to Carlos. Ah, maybe you could say something like "It was at P.A.D.S. where I met a boy named Carlos, who would later have a great impact on my life." I like the details, but try cut it down a bit, and I think you can get closer to the word limit.

Good luck :^)
ukkuma   
Jan 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Cornell College(not University!) Supplement (IA) two short answers [16]

Hey, have you submitted these yet...? Anyway, some last minute thoughts:

(1) "What influenced you to apply to Cornell, and why do you believe it might be a good college choice for you?"
OCAAT system immediately grabbed my heart. With its flexible course options including study abroad programs , I can expand my academic interest and broaden my horizons. It also allows me to pursue my love for music in Chorus Choir if I will be accepted .

Cut out the self doubt--you WILL be accepted! lol

(2) What will likely be the primary factors determining your college choice?
Small student body, high level classes, and scholarship opportunities; These factors allow me to study hard in an academically enriched environment at low cost , and have discussions enthusiastically with great students and professors everyday.

I feel you have refined your essays well enough, so you can go ahead and send them in. I quite like Jerber's advice though: don't stress too much over supplements! The supplement will only be one part; your grades, main essay, ECs etc will carry a much heavier weight. As long as you don't end up writing "...which is why I really love Cornell University (ouch)" or something, you're fine. But I admire how much thought you put into each of your essays, and I'm sure the AO will appreciate that.

Good luck, we'll almost be freed from the stress~!! :D
ukkuma   
Jan 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "Interest in philosophy and literature" (Low-GPA, high-potential student) [6]

Your first essay was definitely better. Don't use the new introduction--it seems to dull down the rest of the essay. I can see you have great eloquence and command over English. Good job! I can't really find anything else to say, so just take the advice you want, refine your sentences if needed, and express your voice clearly throughout your writing.

Good luck! :)
ukkuma   
Jan 28, 2011
Undergraduate / Cornell College(not University!) Supplement (IA) two short answers [16]

Hey~~ (てかここ日本語打てるんやね。知らんかったわ 笑)

Okay, your essay looks much better now! Just a couple of things though.

With its unique and flexible course options, I can expand my horizons and academic interest with study abroad programs.

Hmm...I think this sentence needs to separated. You're talking about how you can expand your horizons with the OCAAT system's course options, but at the end you say you can expand it with study abroad programs. I get what you're trying to say, but this sentence is kind of vague. No offense, but I think Anonymoussenior's sentence worked better.

With a unique block plan and flexible course options, at Cornell, I can expand my academic interest and broaden my horizons with study abroad programs.

By the way, when you say "education study" in your last sentence, do you mean "kyoikugaku", or just your academic studies at college?

You're almost there, and your work is steadily improving, so congrats! :)
ukkuma   
Jan 18, 2011
Writing Feedback / An adventure (a Christmas party on December) [6]

Is there a prompt for this? Let me just say that I didn't get what you were trying to convey. What was the adventure? Your last sentence also seems unfinished, and overall it seems quite dull. You could improve this with a greater variety of sentence structure and vocabulary. Right now, it's not bad, but the tone is kind of childish.

I had a Christmas party on December 2010 and it was great FUN!!

I don't know what this essay is for, but it's not really a good idea to capitalize words or add several exclamation marks.

Soon, my mother called me in and what a surprise I had when I walked in, my father and uncle were holding a bag which was made by my mother with my name on it.

This sentence is clumsy, break it up.

One of my cousins was playing with my ipod, and the rest of my cousins were playing hide and seek.

I was just about to go to the kitchen to get some drinks for myself and my cousins when I heard them singing Christmas carols.

I'm sorry to be harsh, these are just my personal opinions. Good luck on your essay! :)
ukkuma   
Jan 18, 2011
Writing Feedback / People care too much about their appearance than before. Do you agree? [6]

Hey whitney, I'm sorry but I have to object; Chim Can Cook's sentence is correct as it is.

people are not able to resist the desire to look better.

That is why people nowadays take great care of their appearances .
---For formal writing, try not to use contractions. (personal essays are different though)

A p roper and good appearance is necessary not only for work and business, but also for daily meetings and communications. It gives people the first impression about one's personality. However, more and more people tend to take excessive care of their appearances.

---Hmm...it might just be me, but this transition doesn't feel right. Maybe you could try something else?

I just fixed the first few sentences. I do think your essay is right on track, but I also agree with kungpo91. You could further develop it by including some insight on how appearances connect with stereotypes, insecurity and such. I don't know how long your essay is supposed to be, but if the word limit allows you, you could try writing a bit about that :)
ukkuma   
Jan 14, 2011
Undergraduate / "Smiling as a successful Reedie... Why Reed?" supplement essay [4]

Hi! Nice how you connected Isaac Newton and Reed; the opening paragraph is interesting and refreshing.
Although you have some minor grammatical errors, overall I think this is a good solid essay. You gave specific examples of why it has to be "Reed", and the goals you want to achieve there. Just a few notes, though..does your essay include the words in italics? (I'm hoping not) Also, I'm not sure about the last sentence. It'd be awkward to question the admissions officer.

To sum it up though, I still think you did a pretty good job. Good luck!
ukkuma   
Jan 14, 2011
Undergraduate / How did you originally learn about Beloit? (a Japanese student) [6]

Oh yeah, sorry x(
I completely overlooked the prompt! Yeah, just write about "why Beloit" in the third supplement. So I think what you have now answers the prompt fine. 11 over the limit eh...how about change this sentence:

Reading all about their delights and struggles at Beloit, I learned how they were welcomed by its international community.

to Reading all about their delights and struggles at Beloit, I learned how welcoming the international community was.

I think that should make it under 400 characters...try paste it into the text box.

aaw, I envy you! Yup, taking the exam tomorrow, but you know...maybe it will be a disaster. lol. Oh well, I gotta hold up my end of the bargain, so I'll do my best and have fun! Thnx :)

Not sure if I can help you anymore until the center ends, but I think you'll be fine!! But yeah, just remember to write in your own voice :)
ukkuma   
Jan 13, 2011
Undergraduate / How did you originally learn about Beloit? (a Japanese student) [6]

Hey hey~~
Came to check it :) You must think I'm such a himajin (not really, I'm just escaping from reality).
I see abatado kindly edited some already, so I'll just add my editing to that:

Good luck with the rest of the apps! Thanks, I'll help out anytime^^ and don't worry about your English, 'cause you have a great writing style! By the way, just curious, are you taking the center test? I have to take it...part of the deal with my teacher (sigh)
ukkuma   
Jan 10, 2011
Undergraduate / Beloit - the words describe you --- avoid using dialects? [8]

No prob!
eh, no, no really...I don't know why I applied to Amherst. I'm not even a straight-A student. I must have been out of my mind lol. By the way, I applied to Oberlin, Bates, and a bunch more. I love Oberlin now :)

ooh, "kuyo-kuyo-shinai!" You mean like "fukusui-bon-ni-kaerazu?" I think that's "it's no use crying over spilt milk" in English. I did find the 'don't lose sleep over...' sentence too. Oh, found another way of saying "kuyo-kuyo-shinai." It says, 'don't sweat the small stuff.' Maybe you could try that sentence?

yup, I understood the other words^^
ukkuma   
Jan 10, 2011
Undergraduate / Beloit - the words describe you --- avoid using dialects? [8]

Hi!!
You're applying to Beloit! I was going to apply too, but found out it wasn't affordable... :(

Okay, so, comments.
I think dialects are fine, so long as you put the meaning in brackets (which you have), and it's unique. It should catch the reader's eye anyway :)

Hmm, about the character limit...try find synonyms and cut either one. For example 'keen traveler,' 'quest,' 'explore the world first-hand' are kind of similar in meaning, I think. Maybe you should just cut 'quest'. Oh and I was wondering, what do you mean by 'not lose sleep over'? :0
ukkuma   
Jan 3, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Niche of a Quasi-Nomad - Why Bryn Mawr? [2]

Wow. To me, that does not sound like a personal essay anymore. It sounds more like a research paper. Yes, you can write, and you have a large vocabulary list, but I suggest you tone it down a bit. The admission officers would like to hear your voice. The exclamation mark also looks out of place in this essay, especially since you have it amidst a sea of thesaurus words.

Oh, and you might also reconsider this sentence:

I can only anticipate my broadened prospective within my independent study from attending classes at Swarthmore, Haverford, and the University of Pennsylvania -the array of classes available will suitably mold my thesis on empiricism and dichromatic use of film. Sigh.

I'm sorry, this is just my honest opinion. Relax and just be yourself! (unless this IS the way you usually think and talk)
Good luck!
ukkuma   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / Grinnell, new nickname, Loxodonta africana and New Deal [2]

Hi, I'm also applying to Grinnell by the way. :-)
I like your idea of the bush mammoth! It sounds original, wish I had something as catchy as that. A few suggestions:

In the early hours of Grinnell,

Hours should be times here.

Those setbacks were seen and used as opportunities to improve Grinnell, which led to its outstanding academic programs, the beautiful campus and the wealth of opportunities for students .

A little description of what kind of opportunities are offered would be nice.

Hmm, I'd also suggest you try tying things back to the Loxodonta africana at the end.
Good luck!
ukkuma   
Jan 2, 2011
Undergraduate / Experience-Washington Youth Tour - Common Application [6]

Hi :)
Okay, to be brutally honest, I didn't enjoy it that much. I'd imagine lots of applicants talking about the same sort of things. It just leaves me with an ok feeling. Your third paragraph needs editing the most, I think. It's like a laundry list. Your style basically goes: worries-->problem solved, I saw XX-->I felt blah; only one sentence after each encounter. Overall, this essay lacks depth, it just grazes the surface.

My advice is you pick one or two really memorable things you encountered on your trip, then develop your thoughts on it. Dig down really deep and recall the one that truly had an impact on you.

I'm sorry for being harsh. This is just my opinion. Try and add some depth to it!
ukkuma   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "Eating Dishtowel Tacos" - Emerson Short Answer [2]

Hi, I don't see any grammatical errors anymore, since the person before me kindly corrected them.
Just wanted to say that I really like it. I find it very personal and creative. Great work!
ukkuma   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Dance teacher welcomes us" - indicate a significant influence on you [2]

I think it has good context; however, this is too short for the common application. If this is for the personal statement (which I'm assuming it is), it requires a minimum of 250 words, not less than that. The problem is that you don't have much information in the essay on Melissa's accomplishments. Try to delve deeper, and recall what accomplishments it was that made Melissa such a significant person to you. I'm sorry if I was harsh; this is just my honest opinion. Dig down deeper, and you'll have a much better essay :)
ukkuma   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Common app-is a summer trip too cliche? [4]

Closing this thread. I just had an epiphany, so this essay above is going straight out the window. Thank you all!
ukkuma   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Common app-is a summer trip too cliche? [4]

This is my common app personal essay. I BADLY need to send this in soon, so any last minute comments/feedback are welcome! Also, which topic do you think I should submit this under? Choice #1 or topic of your choice? Thanks in advance!!

To summarize my high school years, you could say I was a suitcase kid. Or more precisely, a duffle bag kid. I traveled solo to the metropolitan areas of Japan several times, mostly to take the dreaded college exams or fulfill some other kind of requirements. I would jump on a train in the afternoon, watching the panorama blur past me as I left behind my little hometown on the island of Shikoku, then seeing the whole view in replay as I came back after dusk the following day. I must say that most of my trips were short and bland, simply to tidy up matters and come whizzing back home. However, my senior year summer break was different. This time, I was going on a vacation.

At school, we had been debating on how to spend the summer. That was when my friend and I formed our plans of going to Tokyo. Initially, it seemed like a great idea. I badly needed to take the TOEFL, and she wanted to visit the campus of her dream school. Definitely an all-in-one, killing two birds with one stone trip. We were excited at the notion of going on a vacation, just the two of us. It would be a scholarly, fun and relieving break from the high school strains. Needless to say, that wasn't quite how it turned out.

We set off at 8 pm on that August night. After 11 doleful hours on the packed up Kochi Dream (courtesy of the JR Highway Bus Company), we stepped down onto the suburbs of the Eastern Metropolis. Several transfers on the subway, and we finally arrived at our lodging.

After checking in and throwing down our bags, we pondered on the night's meal. We were merely two seniors; eating out for three nights and we would certainly go broke. Remembering the supermarket we passed by, the idea hit me. The ultimate money-saving option: why not just cook dinner ourselves? Ten minutes later, we were out to shop for supper.

Upon returning to the hotel with our prized groceries, we strolled up to the service counter.
"Could we borrow some pans and bowls?" "Certainly."
"Oh, and we'd like a knife too." The hotel clerk's forehead creased as he gave us a lopsided smile.
"I'm sorry, but we don't provide knives for the guest rooms."

That was not something we had expected. We returned to our rooms, deflated, with a butter-knife. Hopes for a julienne salad wilted. Our menu options shrunk to certain vegetables and boil-in-the-bag foods. During our dinner preparation though, I found that the tomatoes could be cut with a butter-knife quite easily. What a relief. That night, we toasted to hand-shredded cabbage, jagged tomato wedges, and instant rice. As we ate, the breathtaking view from the window and the faint sounds of planes touching down in the distance reminded me of where we were now. Although in the same country, I marveled at how foreign the landscape seemed, yet how strongly I felt a sense of familiarity. The look on my friend's face told me she was feeling the same. We hit the bunk shortly after supper.

The following day I awoke to the sounds of screaming. Dazed, I realized the somewhat Bruce Lee like wails were coming from my friend's mobile phone. It was her alarm ringing. While I mentally questioned my friend's choice of alarm ringtones, she remained dead to the world. Grimacing, I scrambled for the gadget, flipped it open only to find it...locked. She had locked her phone with a password. I yelled at her as the scream was emitted a third time, whilst searching for a sledgehammer or something as a last resort. Finally, after several sharp nudges, she snapped out of her dreamlike state and turned off the device. The high-pitched cries of Bruce Lee died down. I anxiously looked at the clock to see that five minutes had passed since the first ring. Sighing, we got ready for the day's events.

The days went on like that. Gradually, we made a good combination: she handled the leisure spots, I took care of the transportation routes. At night we would saw away at vegetables with a butter-knife and drink miso soup from our cups, later figuring out math equations on the coffee table. On the third day we went our separate ways, as we headed off for our intended purposes. I must say that my stay in Tokyo certainly nurtured my senses and friendship. I can now tolerate my friend's sleepy-headedness, read the subway map smoothly, and make adequate use of the butter-knife.

Next time though, I'd rather not have a Bruce Lee alarm clock.

By the way, my last paragraph kinda sucks. Any suggestions on how to improve it?
ukkuma   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "it fosters a close, cohesive community" - Why Bates? [3]

I really like this one! By the way, I'm also applying to Bates (though as an intl student)
Just one correction:

---and "40 different kinds of cereal".W hen I heard this, I swear my eyeballs popped right out my head.

I love the humor in it :) Good luck!
ukkuma   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "The moment in the shallows" MY COMMON APP ESSAY [15]

Every summer my family and I enjoy our annual camping at the small local beach. Unlike other beaches in Okinawa which are famous as a sightseeing spot in Japan, there are no tourists or noisy music on this beach. There are so many things I love about this camp.

I saw the rain fall from the sky to the ocean and I felt the warm water vapor rise up into the air --- water circulation in act.

Thanks earlier! I don't find anything unnatural with the tense, it looks fine.
I believe you're ready. ^^
ukkuma   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "The way of the bow, Japanese archery" - Common App short essay - [7]

>>qwerty456a
Thank you so much! I feel so happy. I'm glad you got what I wanted to express :)

>>aona105
A biiigg thank you! I really appreciate all your feedback. Eh, I need my essays as my hook, my academic records aren't that strong lol. You do Aikido?! Awesome! Yeah, I'm not sure if other people feel this too, but I guess they'll either take it or leave it. :0

Thanks guys! I'll send this in!
ukkuma   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "The way of the bow, Japanese archery" - Common App short essay - [7]

This is my revised version. I haven't changed much, just the last two sentences. Please tell me what you think.

My arms tremble slightly as I raise the bow. I breath out, try to loosen my muscles, and draw the string. Every movement is preliminary to the "Kai"; full draw and complete state of mind. Thus is the nature of Japanese archery: Kyudo. The turmoil of everyday life diminishes as I focus on the little black and white target. I take a moment to pick out the cluttered bits in my mind, to banish my doubts and simply focus on the matter in front of me. As I slow my breathing, I feel my strong heartbeat. A gentle breeze tickles my hair. I hold the draw for a few seconds before the arrow is released from my hands. Whether it hits the target or not, I walk out in an orderly manner. Kyudo is what I find solace in, what helps me to embrace the ordeals in my life.

(150 words)
ukkuma   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "The moment in the shallows" MY COMMON APP ESSAY [15]

Every summer my family and I enjoy our annual camping at the small local beach. There are so many things I love about this camp. Strolling along the dazzling white beach to look for beautiful shells, chasing Mijyun ....

I love the imagery! I really think it would be great if you could cut your essay down to 3-digits, but the opening paragraph is intriguing, so you could probably still have your readers hooked despite the length. Man I wish I had written like that. The AO is so not getting an aesthetic Japanese response from me... :(

Do you mind reading my short essay for the common app? I'd really appreciate it!
ukkuma   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "The way of the bow, Japanese archery" - Common App short essay - [7]

The short answer essay prompt on the Common Application states, "Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below or on an attached sheet (150 words or fewer)."

My arms tremble slightly as I raise the bow. I breath out, try to loosen my muscles, and draw the string. Every movement is preliminary to the "Kai"; full draw and complete state of mind. Thus is the nature of Japanese archery: Kyudo. The turmoil of everyday life diminishes as I focus on the little black and white target. I take a moment to pick out the cluttered bits in my mind, to banish my doubts and simply focus on the matter in front of me. As I slow my breathing, I feel my strong heartbeat. A gentle breeze tickles my hair. I hold the draw for a few seconds before the arrow is released from my hands. Whether it hits the target or not, I am able to walk out in an orderly manner. I then ready myself for another shot. (143 words)

What do you guys think? Is it fine if I just submit this? Any last minute suggestions/critiques are welcome!
ukkuma   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "on jumping" - difficulty and achievement, Amherst Supplement Prompt 5 [6]

Hey! Thanks for helping me out :)
Hmm, I'm already at 300 words...if I want to elaborate on the difficulties, which parts do you think I should cut out? The last two paragraphs? I'm not sure to what extent I should talk about the difficulties.
ukkuma   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Preppy girl goes bowler? Amherst Essay [7]

A confident ball slid down the greased path and crashed into ten adversaries. A strike. Emily McDonald got a strike.
Hmm...what about italics? Maybe that way the phrase seems more third-person.
ukkuma   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "on jumping" - difficulty and achievement, Amherst Supplement Prompt 5 [6]

Thanks a lot!! Yeah, I realized that I didn't tell enough. I definitely need more work on that.
This is my revised version: exactly 300 words. Please tell me what you think of it, and point out any grammatical errors.

We were earning strange looks from passers-by. I figured standing on the riverbank at seven-thirty a.m., donning T-shirts in late October, did seem slightly out of season. Reminiscing, I gazed at the two ropes that would be used in our pre-breakfast activity: Double Dutch.

The idea for our school film project had hit me almost instantly. Double Dutch. No-one in Kochi was doing it. This was the opportunity to introduce this alien activity to my hometown. I proposed the idea to my friends, and our scenarios began to dance into motion.

Or so we hoped. The fact was, our fivesome had hardly jumped two ropes before. I myself was no professional. Which led us to our morning practice and filming in pursuit of mastering this sport. To start with, the ropes kept clashing. A little raincloud hung over us as we wondered if even jumping in would be a possibility. We turned, we hopped, we fell in a tangled mass of nylon.

However, as time passed, we slowly got the hang of it. The turners' hands synched in motion, and the jumpers gained a spring as they skipped between the ropes. Our filming proceeded with the occasional bloopers and "forgot to press the REC button". I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness as I saw my friends, who had been hesitant to even jump in, laughing and running into the arch.

The last day of filming was a memorable one. After a total of thirty-two takes for the last scene, we succeeded in the jump, raising jubilant banshee wails among us. We had managed to pick up an activity from scratch and mold it into a film. As the first school bell rang faintly in the distance, we mounted our bikes with a sense of accomplishment in our guts.
ukkuma   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Rebel Nerd" - What makes you unique [4]

I think the last sentence gives the essay a nice light touch to it. I'd say keep it as it is. Other than that, I think your essay is fine. Great work!
ukkuma   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "on jumping" - difficulty and achievement, Amherst Supplement Prompt 5 [6]

This is the prompt I chose:
"Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted." (Personal response required)
This is my first draft, so I know it's not very good :(

We were earning strange looks from passers-by. I figured standing on the riverbank at half past seven in the morning, donning T-shirts in late October, did seem slightly out of season. Reminiscing, I gazed at the two ropes that would be used in our pre-breakfast activity: double dutch.

The idea for our group film assignment had hit me almost instantly. I had traveled to Switzerland that summer, where I earned an enthusiasm for double dutch. At the end of the program, I had vowed to my friends there to bring the sport back to my hometown and share it. This was the opportunity to introduce this alien activity to my hometown, Kochi. I proposed the idea, and our scenarios began to dance into motion. Or so we hoped. The fact was, our fivesome had hardly jumped two ropes before. I myself was no professional. Which led us to our morning practice and filming in pursuit of mastering the ways of the ropes.

As time passed, we slowly got the hang of it. The turners' hands synced in motion, and the jumpers gained a spring as they skipped between the ropes. Our filming proceeded with the usual bloopers, and the occasional "forgot to press the REC button". I felt an overwhelming sense of happiness as I saw my friends, who had been hesitant to even jump in, laughing and running into the arch.

The last day of filming was a memorable one. After a total of thirty-two takes for the last scene, we succeeded in the jump, raising jubilant banshee wails among us. As the faint sound of the first school bell rang in the distance, we mounted our bikes with a sense of accomplishment in our guts.

I really think my concluding paragraph needs more work. I just feel like my essay's lacking something. Any comments or suggestions are welcome!

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