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Posts by niesaysi
Name: Jhonies Saysi
Joined: Feb 5, 2011
Last Post: Jun 16, 2021
Threads: 16
Posts: 290  
Likes: 85
From: Philippines
School: Polytechnic University of the Philippines

Displayed posts: 306 / page 6 of 8
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niesaysi   
Jan 21, 2014
Undergraduate / MOTIVATION LETTER - Business Economics offered by Ghent University [2]

With this letter, I would like to express my strong interest ...

This programme is a prestigious opportunity...

This programme is a prestigious opportunity for me to enrich my knowledge as well as a solid step towards my goal of becomeing an economics professor.

Moreover, living in an international environment is an essential opportunity for me to broaden my horizon,for I will meet people from different countries, and learn about their cultures, and also I will take my chancesit as an advantage to see how my field of interest is handled in a well-developed country. It'sThis will lead me towards my personal and academic enrichment.

The Kingdom of Belgium is my first choice as a foreign country for my study because it is a highly developed and safe country with good quality education standard. which is one of the best in the world.

Located at the heart of Europe,It will give me the opportunity to live and work ...

After searching the information on Internet, I know that Ghent University is not only recognized as one of the best university in Belgium, but also the high quality of education that offers with the suitable tuition fee for students from developing countries like me.

-- like you? I think what you meant isyour country.
niesaysi   
Jan 21, 2014
Graduate / I was challenged by the lack of simple answers; MSW at NYU [2]

Do I give this street kid money and help her eat today, but possibly help perpetuate a system which is preventing the government from creating real change that could lift this kid's life, and the lives of thousands of others like her, out of poverty?

Could I possibly perpetuate a system which is preventing the government from creating real change for the lives of thousands of street children, out of poverty?

Peace Corps taught me how to reflect on my role as a change agent, and on how to carefully consider how my identity and basic assumptions about the world influence my work, which is a skill I hope to keep honing throughout my career and through my social work education.

Peace Corps taught me how to reflect on my role as a change agent. It helped me to carefully consider how my identity and basic assumptions about the world influence my work, which is a skill that I keep on honing throughout my career and through my social work education.

Working with Julie, my supervisor at IRC, cementedstrengthened my desire to become a social worker.

they were desperately poor, --impoversihed -- It sounds better.
niesaysi   
Jan 18, 2014
Undergraduate / "Rewards"; MY KALAMAZOO SUPP - favorite childhood book and why [2]

..from my aunt forduring my 7th birthday...

The other storyfrom the book that really fascinated me and I would read frequently as I grew older was "Evan's corner" by Elizabeth Starr Hill from the book .

I remember me demanding a separate room for myself after reading the story.

to a 10- year old girl.

However, I didn't know how to take care of it and,so the goldfish died very soon.

-- Inappropriate conjunction. Instead of using "and", use "so" since you stated about what happened to the goldfish.

As a result, I decided to bring a new goldfish and take care of it properly.

-- I add that transition word to better connect your idea from the preceding sentence.
niesaysi   
Jan 18, 2014
Undergraduate / Emergency Department Academic Associate Research Volunteer Essay [2]

..to explore a different areas..

with more experienced in the profession -- with people who are highly experienced in the profession

In this program I will be able to observe while being to communicate and interact with patients and be able to contribute to research studies.

This sounds better: In this program ,I can have a chance to observe appropriateness on how to communicate with patients and be able to contribute to research studies.

While volunteering I got a chance to observe and hear about how visitors feel about the hospital care and also got to see when patients were done recovering they would come back and give thanks to the medical staff.

While volunteering, I can actually observe the implications of hospital care toward the visitors. Additionally, I can also see how the patients can recover and become thankful to the medical staff.
niesaysi   
Jan 15, 2014
Undergraduate / Personal Statement for a Fashion Management (BA) course [2]

Standing in the line behind an American woman at McDonald's.

This is a fragment. Make it a sentence ; there should be a subject and a verb.

She's wearing those jeans,you know the ones with the patch on the back pocket that says 'GUESS'.

... the accessories you wear with it describes you...

I enjoyed experimenting, with all kinds of clothes...

Fashion is a sort of runs in my family.

Her designs includes natural fibres and vibrant colors.

The reason for my, this decision was that I wanted...

2yrs --spelled out

the pattern - making of clothes
niesaysi   
Jan 14, 2014
Undergraduate / I want my education back\ prompt about diversity [2]

From the amazing Arecaceae trees flowering its branches to the turquoise diamond clear sea.

-- phrase, not a sentence. Put a verb to complete its idea.

The most important thing I learned was honesty, my school encouraged people with kind traits and occasionally gave awards to those who embodied it, and I was one of them.

-- The sentence has two ideas, so it turns to be ambiguous. You may either have to put an appropriate conjunction or make it into two sentences.

..about the students' needs...

I was put in a class of 30 students, juggled between classrooms, teachers not caring about the students needs made it even harder to get the sought after value from the course of a normal school day.

I was put in a class of 30 students,juggled between classrooms. Likewise, teachers did not even care about the students' needs and the value of a normal school day.

Everything that I had learned, I learned by myself

I learned everything all by myself.

I needed guidance, but couldn't find it.

I sought for guidance, but I could not unfortunately found it.

I believe guiding myself has taught me fundamental understanding of myself and the world in which I live in.

-- Great idea!
I believe that through self-reliance, I have learned the fundamental understanding of myself and the world in which I live in.

I believe that I can contribute to the University of CU-Boulder by through the many positive traits which I have gained from growing up in various settings.

--Another excellent idea!
niesaysi   
Jan 14, 2014
Graduate / Motivation letter for the entry of Master in Supply Chain Management and Logistics at UM [2]

Will have graduated with a Bachelor of Business Administration of ECUPL, I am faced with two ways: to find a job or to further my education.

After gaining the degree of Bachelor of Business Administration, I pondered as to what I would take for, whether I will find a job or further my educational experience.

With the Internship experiences at two world biggest companies, I findfound that it's easy to get a job but hard to get promoted to my ideal career in the future only with a bachelor degree.

That's why I declined the job offers of my two internship companies and decided to applyavail the MSc program of UM.

When I worked as intern at ITOCHU Corporation, we faces unexpected events every day..

-- Avoid unnecessary shift of tense
When I worked as intern at ITOCHU Corporation, I faced..

I find found that it is always those who are with professional knowledge about supply chain and logistics could solve the problem more efficiently and made the final deal. It has been my dream to become those kinds of employees in my future company.

Therefore, I would like to extend my educational background with a master degree of supply chain management to gain the skills and qualifications needed to face out all the challenges and unexpected events during my future working life.

-- Good sentence! . It's better to place this in your intro , for it is your purpose
niesaysi   
Jan 12, 2014
Scholarship / Learning SPANISH; Subjects in which you excel [3]

This one doesn't follow the structure of an essay.

Your essay should comprise an introduction, body, and conclusion. Please apply it. Also, always remember that a good essay should possess these three elements: unity, coherence , and emphasis.

The many different cultures that have derived throughout the history of the human race interested me at a young age.

Different cultures manifested in the history of the human race interested me at a very young age.

Please visit several essays posted by your co- EFmembers. Read them. Definitely, you can get more ideas on how to write an essay:)
niesaysi   
Jan 12, 2014
Graduate / Essay for entry into Graduate Physical Therapy School [2]

Usually the two do not coalesce well, being competitive and wanting to help others.

Being competitive and compassionate to help others usually do not coalesce well.

The question now was which profession in the medical field was I going to pursue.

I think you better have to mention which profession you will pursue. Then, start describing your decision-making process.

These injuries gave me and inside look at the healthcare field that most prospective students dodid not get..

. Usually concerned with doing whatever it took to get back to the playing field and not at what it could provide for my future.

-- This is obviously a phrase. It lacks a verb.

Finally realizing that health care was a perfect fit for me I began to look back andover the interactions and relationships I developed with the health care professionals.

.. if the physician's assistant needed to run any tests on me..
niesaysi   
Jan 12, 2014
Grammar, Usage / Small grammar confusion: SOP [3]

Anyways I wanted to know which of these sentences are correct and what should be the usage for it since I can't find the exact usage on internet.

It depends on your interpretation. For example, this sentence :

research and innovation has always been a fundamental theme of my academic endeavours.

This would just become grammatically correct if you are interpreting the subject singular. Meaning, "research and innovation" only denotes one.

However, on the contrary, this one:

research and innovation have always been a fundamental theme of my academic endeavours.

This sentence would only be grammatically correct if you are interpreting the subject plural. That only means that the subject does not pertain as one --research and innovation are separate things.

1). research and innovation has been always been a fundamental theme of my academic endeavours.
2). research and innovation have been always been a fundamental theme of my academic endeavours.

Actually, you can place the adverb "always" after or between has and been.

Hope it helps:)
niesaysi   
Jan 10, 2014
Scholarship / My MOTHER; How goals have been influenced by my Hispanic heritage? Scholarship [2]

Watching my mother cry when told she would never be able to attend University, was very impacting, although I was too young to understand thisitwould beas one of the many moments that have inspired my life aspirations.

Life was grim, for she left everything she ever had like her family...

My mother maymight have left her studies to work in a factory ...
Due to hardships and her unique circumstance, my mother was...
time that I have to start making change...
Being a part of the program will help me gain a better.. -- I removed the comma.
as to what my non profit organization needs to accomplish -- I removed the apostrophe.

In addition, my academic studies are extremely important to me because It's important to me that I cannot only excel academically, but I canto apply what I have learned.

niesaysi   
Jan 10, 2014
Graduate / Statement of purpose for MFA in Visual Communication [3]

Since I came from a conservative society...

I could not accept it as,for my true passion did not lie there.

The competition required the participants to create a video about their personal experience at the firm, and the impact we had on our clients or how we helped Deloitte give back to the community.

..profession and that'swas when I...

It was time to give shape to my talent, to realize my potential, and discover my...

of my comfort zones- my hometown and my cozy family nest...

design specialization is exactly what I washave been looking for...
niesaysi   
Jan 10, 2014
Undergraduate / Student from East Asia, Statement of Purpose [2]

With his efforts, numerous product lines were created; those product lines produced things...
The unique experience makes me believe that, no matter in what era, the society's advancement always depend...
my good math skills to overcome difficulties. Besides, I think...
In addition, electrical engineering has a great applicability...
options from which I surely can find the one that I love to do most...
Moreover, electrical engineering jobs have great flexibility, wherever there is electricity, there have to be electrical engineers; an electrical engineerwho can work in the offices, labs, or industrial plants of various industries.

biggest setbacks as well, which is thatlike I don't possess good language...
I'm conscious ofthat being a good electrical engineer is not only...
niesaysi   
Jan 7, 2014
Scholarship / Academic/career short & long term goals and how hispanic heritage influence them essay [5]

If you could, please guide me on how to make the intro more clearer or assertive.

To write a good introduction, you should always think of the topic sentence. Topic sentence is the gist of the main of idea of a paragraph. It is usually placed in the first sentence of the paragraph. What is the topic all about? Introduce it in one sentence but make sure it will hook the reader's attention/interest. Then, follow it with a general statement relevant to the topic. Generalization should be supported with several supporting details like by giving examples and relating your own experiences. Introduction is usually not TOO LONG. As long as you have already introduced the topic INTERESTINGLY, it is already enough.

Also what exactly did you think of the essay quality-wise.

To work and study hard, to use every second of my time responsibly, to not take anything for granted, and to give one hundred percent of effort and dedication to my education represent my short term goals. -- Place this sentence on the first part of your body. Emphasis is important.Since you're discussing about short term goals, you have to not place this one on the last part.

In conclusion, since I come from a very hardworking and humble cultural background, I believe I am a capable of achieving my goal. My parents and other people of our Hispanic heritage have achieved similar or greater feats, so why can't I?

--The last sentence sounds overconfident. Change the tone. Better rephrase it through statement. If you'll do that, it will be a good conclusion. Actually, I like the way how you concluded your essay :)
niesaysi   
Jan 7, 2014
Undergraduate / 'my mom is my hero' CommonApp essay Prompt # 1 - Central background and Identity [7]

However, I did not understand your last statement about using "transitional devices for a better flow of ideas". Would you please elaborate this for me, perhaps by giving one or two examples?

Your essay has a good flow of ideas. But it would be better off if you would use transitional devices such as furthermore, additionally, consequently, moreover, etc. These words serve as bridges to establish connection of ideas. :)

Use the writing- metaphors, sentence structure, vivid descriptions, etc. to sound intelligent and bring out who you are in the essay. That's not to say that you shouldn't use a good word if it fits, but this is a bit too much.

Your vocabulary is perfect. But garmin610's suggestion certainly has a point which you have to take into consideration whenever you are writing an essay. Always remember that choice of word is significant. It is an element that every writer like you should bear in mind, for you write an essay to make the readers understand your point of message. This is only I can say about the words you used--- those words may be unfamiliar, but through them, they let readers think critically and urge to determine what they do really mean. By that, I COMMEND YOU whether you used a thesaurus or not. There are those who are using complex words that they found in thesaurus, but unfortunately they still commit mistake in terms of usage ( not appropriate in the context). In short, it is a LINGUISTIC SKILL!!
niesaysi   
Jan 6, 2014
Scholarship / Academic/career short & long term goals and how hispanic heritage influence them essay [5]

Not only had I had completed my high school journey, but ..
Despite my good grades and my strictthorough dedication to education,
I was left with no other option thanbut to find employment and help support my family...

To make things worse, since my father could no longer be the source of transportation for the family, she was forced daily to walk her fifteen mile commute to work.

Since my father could no longer be the source of transportation for the family, things started to become worst like she was forced daily to walk her fifteen mile commute to work.

I have been able to lessen the pressure off my mother.
a slice of the "real world," I feel I am more matured, focused
Since I was in elementary school, computers have been always intrigued me.
Thus, making my parents proud by going back to school and earning a bachelor's degree in computer science and still be able to repay them for their sacrifices embodiesembody my long term goal.

Apart from what I edited above, you still need to develop a more clearer introduction.
niesaysi   
Jan 6, 2014
Undergraduate / 'my mom is my hero' CommonApp essay Prompt # 1 - Central background and Identity [7]

...at midnight , my mother would always stand by the side of others..

I stood there and watched in horror as the slimy long centipede kept approaching me steadily. My tiny little feet were rooted to the ground, too frail to make even the faintest of movement. I was about to cry out loud in terror, when my mom came out of nowhere to bash the head of the centipede with a long stick.

This is an amazing intro. This is what we call as " spatial pattern", a writing style used to REALISTICALLY connect readers to the main idea of your essay..

My mother is the center of my universe. She is the one who is central to my identity and who makes me who I am. She is my harshest critic and my most fervent and loyal adherent. My lifelong journey for her approval shaped all my interests, habits and traits. As I am typing this in my sunny living-room in New York, she is probably sleeping in her bedroom in Dhaka. Despite the overwhelming distance of thousands of miles that separates us, my urgency to make her proud propels me forward like an unbridled horse racing towards the finish line.

I like how you concluded your essay.

Overall, the mechanics is great and the ideas are well -organized. I would just suggest to use transitional devices for a more better flow of ideas :)
niesaysi   
Jan 4, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Should Fatherhood be recognized as well as the Motherhood? [3]

It is generally accepted, that it is women`s decision to have or not babies and only their responsibility nurturing them.-- This opposes the topic. The notion of this phrase " only their responsibility nurturing them" is definitely not generally accepted.

If we look at the past, ancient belief is that, women`s role is to stay at home and raise the children.while men are out providing the food.

Some argue. that fathers should be as much involved
-- Ascertain the use of comma and period.

Although, nowadays hardly ever both parents are at home and the kids may often do not see one of them much during the working week.

..it is common that the father to havehas the will to take the right over the children..
..policy to encourage men to stay at home and raise the kids and at the same time to avoid the feeling of being underestimated.
niesaysi   
Dec 27, 2013
Graduate / My passion for Science & Art; SOP MFA, Graphic Design [5]

One of the very first problems man tried to solve, and after a 100,000 years, it is still imperfect.
I have applied this knowledge to my work as a freelance graphic and web designer, and in designing interfaces and products within constraints set by clients.

I would like to understand WHY certain typefaces 'feel' rigid, while others feel fluid. Likewise, I am interested to knowWwhy some feel warm and welcoming, while others feel cold and curt.

much needed exposure which I believe is crucial for any good designer
perfection withof my work..

Frankly, I like your writing style.

Communication. One of the very first problems man tried to solve, and after a 100,000 years, still imperfect.

-- This one is actually a sort of writing style used to highlight something. You reiterated this sentence on your conclusion part, which is really great! It is another writing style used to achieve coherence. We have different strategies to achieve COHERENCE: overall pattern, transitional terms, and repetition.You usedrepetitionlogically!!
niesaysi   
Dec 27, 2013
Book Reports / Victims of Patriarchy:The Tragedy of Prince Hamlet [2]

This line clearly indicates that Ophelia has chosenchose Polonius and sold her future to Poloniushim..

Ophelia becomes a morally corrupt, a deceitful spy, and an instrument ..
a reflection of existentialist's ideals..

selfish individual who soughtseeks revenge to simply find closure

Shakespeare, without a doubt, argues that women are victims of patriarchy, butand on the other hand, he further expounds on the idea that men, like women, are vulnerable to corruption because mankind is naturally ambitious

niesaysi   
Dec 26, 2013
Undergraduate / Rice short essays - "Why the school of social sciences" and "why rice" [5]

I love observing: why people of various races -- no need to use a "colon" in this case.
inter- personal behaviors- take it out

..of the community, which issoalsowhy as a member of the honors committee, I helped initiate the signing of honor
Rice's location in Houston will give me access to the many local attractions such...
and I know Rice can make this can happen.
niesaysi   
Dec 26, 2013
Scholarship / Math and valuable teachers - subjects in which you excel or have excelled [3]

You still need to refine your intro. Develop a topic sentence that will surely hook the readers through reading the entirety of your essay.

Math has always been my strong suit when came to school subjects, because of its tendency of following steps and rules. Knowing that learning a formula or a few steps for a problem has kept me at ease, which is something that I cannot say for any other subject but math.

This is very plain. For me, it doesn't capture my attention to read the other parts of your essay. Try to introduce the topic in a different way, but interesting to be read.

However, the one teacher that has affected me the most has been Mrs. McAllister

Your essay is very short. Evidently, it has no conclusion, which is a very important part. However, you're quite good in grammar aspect. Just add more details about the subject you are writing. Always remember that a paragraph should have these elements: unity, coherence, and emphasis. Hopefully, next time, you will post an essay with complete parts.
niesaysi   
Dec 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / GRE Issue Essay - Scandals are more useful than speakers or reformers - feedback [3]

It caught everybody's attention because involvedof the involvement of the president .

Though the process isstillwas very slow, but at least the population iswas not blind anymore about this hugeserious problem.

-- Be consistent with the verb tense you're using.
It was a scandal because of the proportion and the amount of money that was involved
scandals are useful for the populationpeople because they ...

What happens on the daily bases needs to be reported in order to inform the population the news of the region or the world-- the highlighted part of the sentence is very unclear. I think what you meant is only the important happenings or issues (political or social) that people truly need to know. Just specify a little bit :)
niesaysi   
Dec 24, 2013
Graduate / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE- M.S IN ECONOMICS [3]

At this stage of my academic career, I would deliberate before making each step. Though now I am a graduate student majoring in Quantitative Finance, I truly want to get a better education in the discipline I am deeply enchantedlike - Economics. -- The italicized elements in this sentence are quite confusing. Deliberate what?

However, fortune is fickle, I got hurt just two months before the college entrance examination, the most important exam for Chinese students. -- specify what made you hurt. Didn't you pass the entrance examination? If that so, better state the main reason

Unfortunately, I missed my dream school. --This is an example of empty sentence, for it doesn't bring any sense in your paragraph. Better efface/erase it.
niesaysi   
Dec 24, 2013
Research Papers / Time travelling is a dream for many; Time Travel Research Paper [2]

The idea of time and time travel has eluded and intrigued people since the beginning of rational thought.
Everyone hour and every minute that ticks forward..
time seems to go on much slower..
scientist are starting to view time as something more different than an untouchable force,..
the dimension above ours is very difficult ...
This theory of time travel agreed by the scientistsagree is the most realistic and possible to achieve, although it still would not be possible for a very, very long time.

One of the flaws of this form of time travel is that thereisare two masses with such immense energy pass by ...
niesaysi   
Dec 24, 2013
Undergraduate / Post graduate essay for masters in Public policy: Competencies to be gained at the school [3]

The first one that advocates the economic benefits to the farmers in the form of right prices for their produceproduct and new employment opportunities and the other, which criticizes it for being anti to retail shopkeepers and vendor who would lose their source of income because of it. -- the italicized part is a dependent clause, thus, it can't stand alone. Meaning to say, it is an incomplete thought.

In the future, I intend to pursue..

Overall, your essay is good. But your intro still needs to be refined. It seems that it is longer than the body part. Try to shorten the length of your paragraph in a way that you have to concisely state the topic sentence. Additionally, someone else's idea is not a good one to be the topic sentence. It should be written on your own words/idea, not a quotation from a prominent man. That is one of the characteristics of a good topic sentence.
niesaysi   
Dec 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / Every year some languages die out; language as the most important achievment [3]

..as the most important achievement we have made...
..as many languages have been developed , each language has its society...
mono flavor .Although, they argue that the...
In other words andFor example,
its unique style .This Vvariety shall richenrich
instead of the mono- language which may colored our life into a single boring mono color.turn our life colorlessly.
played an essential rulerole in transferring...
continues improvement .Also it contributes on art diversity..
niesaysi   
Dec 23, 2013
Graduate / Strong interest in Aerospace Engineering; SOP for MS in AEROSPACE Eng [7]

When I was seven years old, one of the biggest aeronautical events
...studying Electronics & Communication at one of the best colleges
Even though I was pursuing my undergraduate degree in Electronics & Communication, my next thought was that to somehow use my this knowledge,..
Furthermore, I am confident that ..
But I think ---- University is more
...apply my knowledge for challenging scientific exploration mission byof governmental agencies like NASA and JPL.
The research being carried out by Professor Marcus Herrmann for Fluid Mechanics, numerical methods for discontinuous interfaces, premixed and partially premixed combustion and the ongoing research projects in the Wind Laboratory, particularly on Fluid mechanics science and engineering, havehas fascinated me the most. --singular subject - research
niesaysi   
Dec 23, 2013
Scholarship / I feel sympathetic when I see the cancer patients; Career goal [3]

I learned we cannot live without chemistry: shampoo, soda, drugs, toothpaste, and all material in our houses are chemistry.

...goal with hard work and dedication.

After I started my high school life, I encountered different science classes such as biology, physics, and chemistry, in which chemistry is my favor. I felt so excited about the chemical reactions and atomic structure. I learned we cannot live without chemistry: shampoo, soda, drugs, toothpaste and all material in our houses are chemistry. Chemistry like penicillin saves people's lives and changes the world into the age of antibiotic. Chemistry can create a beautiful world. Thus, in the second year I was in the United States while my English is still so limited, I chose AP chemistry as my first AP class to learn more new knowledge of chemistry.

Repetition is not bad at all, for its one aim is to emphasize your point. However, if you improperly use it , that will only make the readers tired reading your paragraph. Try to count how many times you wrote the word "chemisrty" which I have highlighted above. Please minimize reiterating that word as much as possible. You can use pronoun "it" to replace it :)
niesaysi   
Dec 23, 2013
Undergraduate / Freshman with broken English - Failure, and how it affected me and lessons I learned [5]

Hi mike0108!

I agree with Dumi. It's pretty tiring reading your essay. Use period (.) instead of comma. They're totally different. Furthermore, comma is not used to end a sentence. But I can see that you can be good in writing an essay using the second language. Just always apply the important considerations with regard to grammar and organization of ideas :)
niesaysi   
Dec 23, 2013
Scholarship / The clear glass award ; LEADERSHIP [3]

The clear glass award sat right in the middle of my family's very growing trophy case. I was just as surprised as my friends when I first got it. "What? You actually do something for the community" they spoke with awe. I fell in love with volunteering since the first time I volunteered in the quaint fishing village of Steveston. When you get into the spirit of being a true volunteer, you never expect to receive acclamation or be awarded for what you do. You volunteer because you want to not because you have to (it's actually a very selfish thing). This is why I joined U-Connect, a youth-led, organized and oriented group. While many brought along their school friends, I came alone, I had to talk to people (eek!) if I ever wanted to succeed in the group.

Your prompt is "What have you learned from your various leadership experiences?". In your intro, the gist of your paragraph is a little bit fuzzy. It's not directly stated. Please remember these things in writing an introduction:

1. Introductory sentence (introduce the main idea using these strategies: definition, analogy, quotation,etc.)-- TOPIC SENTENCE
2. Supporting details( support your main sentence with relevant details through examples, proofs, and experiences)

Try to make your essay a little more formal. Avoid incorporating unnecessary expression (E.G EEK!) and also evade using too much parentheses when you want to add some details. In a certain case, you may use commas (,). Ex.When I first joined U-Connect crew,a youth led organization, -- (a youth led organization)

Note: Make sure that you properly place your topic sentence in the paragraph ( beginning, middle, last).
niesaysi   
Dec 20, 2013
Undergraduate / CAMCORDER; UVA essay - Small funded engineering project [3]

Have you ever experienced an unwonted moment and wished you could deliver the excitement to others but no one would believe you?
You would need a firm evidence to prove that you just saw a Santa on the sled with his big bag of presents
It is obvious that people can't carry camcorder with them all the time, and even if they did, it would be too late to start recording after the amazing thing has happened

The camera will be available both in small size so it can be attached on glasses or exclusively built in glasses.
Not only preventing people from missing great moments, but the camcorder would also help law enforcementenforcer to have substantive evidences

Have you ever experienced an unwonted moment and wish you could deliver the excitement to others but no one would believe you? You would need a firm evidence to prove you just saw a Santa on the sled with his big bag of presents. It is obvious people can't carry camcorder with them all the time, and even if they did, it would be too late to start recording after the amazing has happened. If I were given fund for an engineering project, I would develop a camcorder that can record the images from the past so people would never miss their baby's first step.

-- Great introduction!

Not only preventing people from missing great moments, but the camcorder would also help law enforcement to have substantive evidences. The law enforcements, finally, would be able to see from "eyes" of the witness.

-- Better include this on the body part, for it still tells about one of the fascinating things your camcorder could do.

Your conclusion is somehow good ; just add a little bit more concluding sentences. But these two are great! :

The amazing stuff happens anywhere at any time unexpectedly. Only imagine my funded camcorder project will let people enjoy the most of what happen to them.

niesaysi   
Dec 19, 2013
Undergraduate / Caste. Princeton Undergraduate Essay- How do we unlearn the practices of inequality? [6]

Although this practice was no longer in existenceexisting ; the fact that..
Even in the time of Apartheid, no white man was born with instilled hatred against the blacks instilled in him ..
They were taught that by the society.
When a person learns that his community had discriminated another as if somewhere deeped down, he starts feeling superior.
ConstantlyIs sympathizing with her constantly or letting her live without mentioning her handicap to her would do?
When you stop mentioning something, it ismight be destined to disappear and to be forgotten.
People will forget that a gender bias evenhad even existed
So, according tofor me, racism shouldn't me mentioned at all
niesaysi   
Dec 17, 2013
Writing Feedback / Teenagers have job while they are still student; bad effects on their education [9]

Niesaysi, firstly I'm so sorry for devastation in your country, I hope you have good condition

Thank you. I appreciated your sympathy. I'm in a good condition. My place is far from the area wherein the super typhoon haiyan had pathetically devastated.

Personally, I have a great admiration to all working students! Anyway, just like what I said, it could be good or not for Toefl. But it's all up to you, of course. Your topic is a kind of argumentative essay. You need to defend your stand by presenting evidences or through exemplification.
niesaysi   
Dec 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / International pollution issues such as the energy shortage and global warming [3]

Shahoo:
The tension and pressure we are facing because of global problems are increasing and deteriorating. ... increasing and deteriorating? this sentence is pretty confusing and does not deliver a clear meaning :(

I agree with Dumi. " Increasing and deteriorating are contrast to each other.

.1).effort to cope with but society`s ?? 2.).. anybody`s??

Grammatically speaking, the highlighted words are incorrect 'cause you will only have to use apostrophe to show possession.

individual's daily lifestyle-- lack with apostrophe.
regardless toof our location

I used to utilize complex words in writing an essay. My personal purpose was to merely add beauty to the language used. But I realized that to "produce" a good essay, a writer must take into consideration readers, because they are his patrons and it would not be effective if they don't actually understand the message.

The good side about you is that since ENGLISH is too broad, you are trying to reach it which is actually great! Vocabulary building is vital in learning the English language. Just be careful in terms of usage. Read more articles so that you will know how the words are used in the context. Afterwards, try to use them on your own sentences,of course, with conformity on the grammar rules :))

niesaysi   
Dec 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / Teenagers have job while they are still student; bad effects on their education [9]

In my opinion, that topic of yours could be either good or not for Toefl, depending on how you will express your thoughts/point of views. But for me, writing such is challenging for all writers. You know, why? It is because you are expressing an inspiring theme that involves determination, aspiration, and perseverance. Psychologically, working and at the same time studying has disadvantages because it is something that may serve as a hindrance towards their schooling. But don't you know that there are students, though they experience dilemmas in terms of time management and monetary aspect, still persevere despite of. They are very spectacular! I knew a lot who became working students and now, they are already PROFESSIONALS!! They were able to graduate by self-supporting. We can't say that students should not work while they are studying 'cause reality wise, a lot all over the world experience monetary scarcity and as a result they have to do that for their future :)

I just suggest that you need to scrupulously express your stand. You may give real-life experiences to support that etc.. :D

Good luck!

Hope it helps :))
niesaysi   
Sep 17, 2013
Undergraduate / LOCAL GOVERNANCE IN THE CITY OF SANTA ROSA - economic and social aspect of your city [3]

I think you should use relatives clause, there are two verbs in your sentence "taken" and "offered"

Thank you for that. I really appreciated it. Anyway, i would like to make a bit clarification about it. In the sentence, "offered" acts as modifier; it modifies the education and programs. Ex. The program offered was based on science and technology. In English grammar, not all words derived from verbs express actions ( taken, spent, offered, handled); they are likewise used as modifiers. For more examples;

a. The paper appeared made the girl astounded.
b. Nothing taken there was beneficial.

Thank you.. ^_^
niesaysi   
Sep 8, 2013
Undergraduate / LOCAL GOVERNANCE IN THE CITY OF SANTA ROSA - economic and social aspect of your city [3]

Question:Tell something about the economic and social aspect of your city.

Any comment will be highly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

Every local government primarily aims the common welfare of the people in its jurisdiction, including the community where they dwell in. In relation, the local legislative officials also ensure to cater programs, projects, and services aligned with the general needs of the subject.

Expanding itself in the area of economic and social development, city of Santa Rosa constantly targets to substantially improve the quality of life of all Rosenians with regards to employment, education, peace, environment, social welfare, health, and communication. This is the prime mission of the city government towards the attainment of the so-called total human development.

Santa Rosa has been known as the "Investment Capital of South Luzon" since 1994. As an indicator, many stakeholders have manufactured industries which immensely uplift the economic state, like that of creating job opportunities for unemployed but qualified people. This economic progress of the city is brought about by the strategic competence of its leaders. They are the reasons why there is focus on manufacturing resulting to economic success. The goal that they have targeted paves way to rapid development in terms of investment and leads to putting up good economy. Prior to that positive economic result, the local government officials in participation with the private agencies developed scrupulously goals based on the global economic perspective

Apart from economic aspect, social development, moreover, is taken into high consideration through education and programs offered to attain a harmonious environment wherein there is peace, just, unity, and proactive living. The promotion of social welfare is conducted through promulgation of projects that open a vast track to people to get them involved into community-based activities. Furthermore, the city government actively holds seminars and trainings in response to the social problems the whole community is facing tremendously such as sex trafficking of children and young people, child abuse, and other socially known crimes. On the other hand, social unity is likewise strengthened by raising responsive programs. As instance, the Environment Code of Santa Rosa, which was implemented in 2011, united several agencies to tackle about the observable causes and formidable effects of climate change. It is also aimed to inform people to make them aware of the pertinent actions for that natural phenomenon. Public health, in addition, is similarly secured; for there are ordinances enforced to maintain welfare of the people. To mention, establishments are required for strict compliance in providing all public comfort rooms with adequate facilities and anti-bacterial soaps; otherwise, they will be responsible to face up certain sanction imposed. All in all, these services given to the public pass a process called information transparency which is done through seminars, trainings, and social networking sites. The main purpose is to make people well -informed about the programs, projects, and services the government offers.

Generally, most local government find economic and social issues complex to be taken into actions, typically when it comes to poverty alleviation and peace. Although systematic approach is used to impede these predicaments, quality service is still lacking and somewhat disregarded. As a result, there is no development and change both economically and socially.

Governance is structured prudently for the welfare of the common people, how the officials will extract a model considering the economic and social excellence and how they will utilize it for application.

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