Undergraduate / Post graduate essay for masters in Public policy: Competencies to be gained at the school [3]

The first one that advocates the economic benefits to the farmers in the form of right prices for their produceproduct and new employment opportunities and the other, which criticizes it for being anti to retail shopkeepers and vendor who would lose their source of income because of it. -- the italicized part is a dependent clause, thus, it can't stand alone. Meaning to say, it is an incomplete thought.

In the future, I intend to pursue..

Overall, your essay is good. But your intro still needs to be refined. It seems that it is longer than the body part. Try to shorten the length of your paragraph in a way that you have to concisely state the topic sentence. Additionally, someone else's idea is not a good one to be the topic sentence. It should be written on your own words/idea, not a quotation from a prominent man. That is one of the characteristics of a good topic sentence.

Research Papers / Time travelling is a dream for many; Time Travel Research Paper [2]

The idea of time and time travel has eluded and intrigued people since the beginning of rational thought.
Everyone hour and every minute that ticks forward..
time seems to go on much slower..
scientist are starting to view time as something more different than an untouchable force,..
the dimension above ours is very difficult ...
This theory of time travel agreed by the scientistsagree is the most realistic and possible to achieve, although it still would not be possible for a very, very long time.

One of the flaws of this form of time travel is that thereisare two masses with such immense energy pass by ...

Graduate / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE- M.S IN ECONOMICS [3]

At this stage of my academic career, I would deliberate before making each step. Though now I am a graduate student majoring in Quantitative Finance, I truly want to get a better education in the discipline I am deeply enchantedlike - Economics. -- The italicized elements in this sentence are quite confusing. Deliberate what?

However, fortune is fickle, I got hurt just two months before the college entrance examination, the most important exam for Chinese students. -- specify what made you hurt. Didn't you pass the entrance examination? If that so, better state the main reason

Unfortunately, I missed my dream school. --This is an example of empty sentence, for it doesn't bring any sense in your paragraph. Better efface/erase it.

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue Essay - Scandals are more useful than speakers or reformers - feedback [3]

It caught everybody's attention because involvedof the involvement of the president .


-- Be consistent with the verb tense you're using.
It was a scandal because of the proportion and the amount of money that was involved
scandals are useful for the populationpeople because they ...

What happens on the daily bases needs to be reported in order to inform the population the news of the region or the world-- the highlighted part of the sentence is very unclear. I think what you meant is only the important happenings or issues (political or social) that people truly need to know. Just specify a little bit :)

Scholarship / Math and valuable teachers - subjects in which you excel or have excelled [3]

You still need to refine your intro. Develop a topic sentence that will surely hook the readers through reading the entirety of your essay.


This is very plain. For me, it doesn't capture my attention to read the other parts of your essay. Try to introduce the topic in a different way, but interesting to be read.


Your essay is very short. Evidently, it has no conclusion, which is a very important part. However, you're quite good in grammar aspect. Just add more details about the subject you are writing. Always remember that a paragraph should have these elements: unity, coherence, and emphasis. Hopefully, next time, you will post an essay with complete parts.

Undergraduate / Rice short essays - "Why the school of social sciences" and "why rice" [5]

I love observing: why people of various races -- no need to use a "colon" in this case.
inter- personal behaviors- take it out

..of the community, which issoalsowhy as a member of the honors committee, I helped initiate the signing of honor
Rice's location in Houston will give me access to the many local attractions such...
and I know Rice can make this can happen.

Book Reports / Victims of Patriarchy:The Tragedy of Prince Hamlet [2]

This line clearly indicates that Ophelia has chosenchose Polonius and sold her future to Poloniushim..

Ophelia becomes a morally corrupt, a deceitful spy, and an instrument ..
a reflection of existentialist's ideals..

selfish individual who soughtseeks revenge to simply find closure

Graduate / My passion for Science & Art; SOP MFA, Graphic Design [5]

One of the very first problems man tried to solve, and after a 100,000 years, it is still imperfect.
I have applied this knowledge to my work as a freelance graphic and web designer, and in designing interfaces and products within constraints set by clients.

I would like to understand WHY certain typefaces 'feel' rigid, while others feel fluid. Likewise, I am interested to knowWwhy some feel warm and welcoming, while others feel cold and curt.

much needed exposure which I believe is crucial for any good designer
perfection withof my work..

Frankly, I like your writing style.


-- This one is actually a sort of writing style used to highlight something. You reiterated this sentence on your conclusion part, which is really great! It is another writing style used to achieve coherence. We have different strategies to achieve COHERENCE: overall pattern, transitional terms, and repetition.You usedrepetitionlogically!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Should Fatherhood be recognized as well as the Motherhood? [3]

It is generally accepted, that it is women`s decision to have or not babies and only their responsibility nurturing them.-- This opposes the topic. The notion of this phrase " only their responsibility nurturing them" is definitely not generally accepted.

If we look at the past, ancient belief is that, women`s role is to stay at home and raise the children.while men are out providing the food.

Some argue. that fathers should be as much involved -- Ascertain the use of comma and period.


..it is common that the father to havehas the will to take the right over the children..
..policy to encourage men to stay at home and raise the kids and at the same time to avoid the feeling of being underestimated.

Undergraduate / 'my mom is my hero' CommonApp essay Prompt # 1 - Central background and Identity [7]

...at midnight , my mother would always stand by the side of others..


This is an amazing intro. This is what we call as " spatial pattern", a writing style used to REALISTICALLY connect readers to the main idea of your essay..


I like how you concluded your essay.

Overall, the mechanics is great and the ideas are well -organized. I would just suggest to use transitional devices for a more better flow of ideas :)

Scholarship / Academic/career short & long term goals and how hispanic heritage influence them essay [5]

Not only had I had completed my high school journey, but ..
Despite my good grades and my strictthorough dedication to education,
I was left with no other option thanbut to find employment and help support my family...


Since my father could no longer be the source of transportation for the family, things started to become worst like she was forced daily to walk her fifteen mile commute to work.

I have been able to lessen the pressure off my mother.
a slice of the "real world," I feel I am more matured, focused
Since I was in elementary school, computers have been always intrigued me.
Thus, making my parents proud by going back to school and earning a bachelor's degree in computer science and still be able to repay them for their sacrifices embodiesembody my long term goal.

Apart from what I edited above, you still need to develop a more clearer introduction.

Undergraduate / 'my mom is my hero' CommonApp essay Prompt # 1 - Central background and Identity [7]


Your essay has a good flow of ideas. But it would be better off if you would use transitional devices such as furthermore, additionally, consequently, moreover, etc. These words serve as bridges to establish connection of ideas. :)


Your vocabulary is perfect. But garmin610's suggestion certainly has a point which you have to take into consideration whenever you are writing an essay. Always remember that choice of word is significant. It is an element that every writer like you should bear in mind, for you write an essay to make the readers understand your point of message. This is only I can say about the words you used--- those words may be unfamiliar, but through them, they let readers think critically and urge to determine what they do really mean. By that, I COMMEND YOU whether you used a thesaurus or not. There are those who are using complex words that they found in thesaurus, but unfortunately they still commit mistake in terms of usage ( not appropriate in the context). In short, it is a LINGUISTIC SKILL!!

Scholarship / Academic/career short & long term goals and how hispanic heritage influence them essay [5]


To write a good introduction, you should always think of the topic sentence. Topic sentence is the gist of the main of idea of a paragraph. It is usually placed in the first sentence of the paragraph. What is the topic all about? Introduce it in one sentence but make sure it will hook the reader's attention/interest. Then, follow it with a general statement relevant to the topic. Generalization should be supported with several supporting details like by giving examples and relating your own experiences. Introduction is usually not TOO LONG. As long as you have already introduced the topic INTERESTINGLY, it is already enough.


To work and study hard, to use every second of my time responsibly, to not take anything for granted, and to give one hundred percent of effort and dedication to my education represent my short term goals. -- Place this sentence on the first part of your body. Emphasis is important.Since you're discussing about short term goals, you have to not place this one on the last part.


--The last sentence sounds overconfident. Change the tone. Better rephrase it through statement. If you'll do that, it will be a good conclusion. Actually, I like the way how you concluded your essay :)

Undergraduate / Student from East Asia, Statement of Purpose [2]

With his efforts, numerous product lines were created; those product lines produced things...
The unique experience makes me believe that, no matter in what era, the society's advancement always depend...
my good math skills to overcome difficulties. Besides, I think...
In addition, electrical engineering has a great applicability...
options from which I surely can find the one that I love to do most...
Moreover, electrical engineering jobs have great flexibility, wherever there is electricity, there have to be electrical engineers; an electrical engineerwho can work in the offices, labs, or industrial plants of various industries.

biggest setbacks as well, which is thatlike I don't possess good language...
I'm conscious ofthat being a good electrical engineer is not only...

Graduate / Statement of purpose for MFA in Visual Communication [3]

Since I came from a conservative society...

I could not accept it as,for my true passion did not lie there.

The competition required the participants to create a video about their personal experience at the firm, and the impact we had on our clients or how we helped Deloitte give back to the community.

..profession and that'swas when I...

It was time to give shape to my talent, to realize my potential, and discover my...

of my comfort zones- my hometown and my cozy family nest...

design specialization is exactly what I washave been looking for...

Scholarship / My MOTHER; How goals have been influenced by my Hispanic heritage? Scholarship [2]


Life was grim, for she left everything she ever had like her family...

My mother maymight have left her studies to work in a factory ...
Due to hardships and her unique circumstance, my mother was...
time that I have to start making change...
Being a part of the program will help me gain a better.. -- I removed the comma.
as to what my non profit organization needs to accomplish -- I removed the apostrophe.

Grammar, Usage / Small grammar confusion: SOP [3]


It depends on your interpretation. For example, this sentence :


This would just become grammatically correct if you are interpreting the subject singular. Meaning, "research and innovation" only denotes one.

However, on the contrary, this one:


This sentence would only be grammatically correct if you are interpreting the subject plural. That only means that the subject does not pertain as one --research and innovation are separate things.


Actually, you can place the adverb "always" after or between has and been.

Hope it helps:)

Graduate / Essay for entry into Graduate Physical Therapy School [2]


Being competitive and compassionate to help others usually do not coalesce well.


I think you better have to mention which profession you will pursue. Then, start describing your decision-making process.



-- This is obviously a phrase. It lacks a verb.


.. if the physician's assistant needed to run any tests on me..

Scholarship / Learning SPANISH; Subjects in which you excel [3]

This one doesn't follow the structure of an essay.

Your essay should comprise an introduction, body, and conclusion. Please apply it. Also, always remember that a good essay should possess these three elements: unity, coherence , and emphasis.


Different cultures manifested in the history of the human race interested me at a very young age.

Please visit several essays posted by your co- EFmembers. Read them. Definitely, you can get more ideas on how to write an essay:)

Graduate / Motivation letter for the entry of Master in Supply Chain Management and Logistics at UM [2]


After gaining the degree of Bachelor of Business Administration, I pondered as to what I would take for, whether I will find a job or further my educational experience.




-- Avoid unnecessary shift of tense
When I worked as intern at ITOCHU Corporation, I faced..



-- Good sentence! . It's better to place this in your intro , for it is your purpose

Undergraduate / I want my education back\ prompt about diversity [2]


-- phrase, not a sentence. Put a verb to complete its idea.


-- The sentence has two ideas, so it turns to be ambiguous. You may either have to put an appropriate conjunction or make it into two sentences.

..about the students' needs...


I was put in a class of 30 students,juggled between classrooms. Likewise, teachers did not even care about the students' needs and the value of a normal school day.


I learned everything all by myself.


I sought for guidance, but I could not unfortunately found it.


-- Great idea!
I believe that through self-reliance, I have learned the fundamental understanding of myself and the world in which I live in.


--Another excellent idea!

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for a Fashion Management (BA) course [2]


This is a fragment. Make it a sentence ; there should be a subject and a verb.







2yrs --spelled out

the pattern - making of clothes

Undergraduate / Emergency Department Academic Associate Research Volunteer Essay [2]


with more experienced in the profession -- with people who are highly experienced in the profession


This sounds better: In this program ,I can have a chance to observe appropriateness on how to communicate with patients and be able to contribute to research studies.


While volunteering, I can actually observe the implications of hospital care toward the visitors. Additionally, I can also see how the patients can recover and become thankful to the medical staff.

Undergraduate / "Rewards"; MY KALAMAZOO SUPP - favorite childhood book and why [2]

..from my aunt forduring my 7th birthday...



to a 10- year old girl.


-- Inappropriate conjunction. Instead of using "and", use "so" since you stated about what happened to the goldfish.


-- I add that transition word to better connect your idea from the preceding sentence.

Graduate / I was challenged by the lack of simple answers; MSW at NYU [2]


Could I possibly perpetuate a system which is preventing the government from creating real change for the lives of thousands of street children, out of poverty?


Peace Corps taught me how to reflect on my role as a change agent. It helped me to carefully consider how my identity and basic assumptions about the world influence my work, which is a skill that I keep on honing throughout my career and through my social work education.


they were desperately poor, --impoversihed -- It sounds better.

Undergraduate / MOTIVATION LETTER - Business Economics offered by Ghent University [2]

With this letter, I would like to express my strong interest ...

This programme is a prestigious opportunity...




Located at the heart of Europe,It will give me the opportunity to live and work ...


-- like you? I think what you meant isyour country.

Graduate / Strong motivation,Professional work experience &Analytical aptitude; SOP-MS in CSE/Canada [3]


-- Great sentence!! :)

to find and learn something new or find something new

Undergraduate / Interest letter to UChicago: "It has been a while since I received the deferral decision" [2]



Com. Lit at UChicago --spell it out
which arewere previously unfamiliar...

Scholarship / What could my school do to better promote diversity? [4]


-- Poor introductory sentence:(. Don't start your essay through this way.. Better give the definition of the term diversity.


Diversity involves acceptance and respect.


It only means that we ought to accept and respect the concept of individual differences in terms of race, ethnicity, gender,age, beliefs, etc.

Graduate / compressed sensing and robust statistics; Electrical and Computer Engineering [3]

Professor AAAAA who is the one of the experts in both fields


-- Redundant.

Inspired by the research of Professor GGGG, I would like to extend my research on compressed sensing to spectral imaging systems.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Who should care for the elders? [7]

[/i]


That's right.
While waiting for the diagram, I already rectified some grammatical mistakes.


However, in countries such as U.K, there are old age homes allotted for the elderly and these are taken care of by employed stewards and nurses. At times, some of these care centres are subsidized by the government.


In my point of view, it is imperative for the government to help those people who are in need.


[In addition, the government funds should be utilized in a way all people will experience a better lifestyle, especially the old. Furthermore, those relatives of the aged should do their duty upon paying the required money needed to fulfill all the primary necessities in the care centres.

Undergraduate / University of Wisconsin college; Something goes unnoticed [4]


When I was in 8th grade, I lost my best friend because she committed suicide and it was the point where my life drastically changed.


This occurrence honed my leadership skill.

After having a successful season of football during my 8th grade year, I was appointed...


I underwent three surgeries due to complications resulting to sitting me out from athletics.

Letters / LETTER TO A COUSIN; Directed writing O levels English [6]


I was greatly pleased because of your great suggestion last time. It really relieved my tensions.


Ahmed is one my great friends at school...


Ahmed is my neighbor and one of my best friends. We enjoy great time together both at school and at home.


We also have the same bus service.


It all began this Monday when he sat down on my seat in the bus.


I used to sit first on that seat daily but that day Ahmed managed to be earlier.


I asked him to leave it but he seemed deaf to me and due to my insistence, I uttered harsh words to him and tried to grab his collar.

Writing Feedback / Road accidents claim too many lives. What can governments and individuals do to reduce it? [9]


The highlighted transitional word is inappropriate to be used as a start for your into.To begin an essay is not one of the functions of transitional words.


The rapid increase of vehicles truly causes traffic jams. As a result, people rush themselves in a way they drive their cars very speedily just to reach their destination on

time, which usually results to serious road accidents.

Writing Feedback / High-income and average-income people are more likely to consume hamburgers - IELTS [5]


Based on the data , instead of turning to the data



Based on the data, it is presented that high-income and average-income people are more likely to consume Hamburgers with over forty-two and thirty-two pence per week.

Writing Feedback / High-income and average-income people are more likely to consume hamburgers - IELTS [5]


On the other hand, Fish & Chips comes second as a choice of both average and low-income people, while Pizza is chosen by people with high income as their second alternative fast food.

Undergraduate / UT Austin Transfer Essay - Switching majors/being undeclared/finding direction [3]


-- There's no need to put a comma in this sentence. Omit it.Also, avoid contraction (we've).


This question,at a glance, is seemingly simple and holds...



I wish I could say that I were the type of person who knows exactly what I would want to do with my future ever since I was a little girl.

Writing Feedback / High-income and average-income people are more likely to consume hamburgers - IELTS [5]


Hi, active sentences are USUALLY preferred to be used, but in that case, you have to consider one importance of passive sentences and that is to HIGHLIGHT the word which has a higher value than other elements in the sentence.


This paragraph contains several grammatical issues. "Turning the data" is quite informal, thus it would be better off to use "based on the data", for it is more stronger. Moreover,the highlighted words are considered to be redundant. The italic part is considered to be misplaced modifier. Try to place it nearer to the one it modifies. :))

Writing Feedback / Road accidents claim too many lives. What can governments and individuals do to reduce it? [9]


To conclude, family and government can reduce the usual occurrence of road accidents. The government should heighten the monitoring system. On the other hand, every family should not buy more than one car and forbid their children from driving cars when they just want waste time with it. This way the problem can be stopped.

Writing Feedback / Literature review : Gender inequality in the global economic crisis.... [2]

Professor Senguino--CAPITALIZE it for it is a title.


gender-based employment had huge influences on not only well-developed but also on developing economies.