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Posts by Jennyflower81
Joined: Jul 19, 2011
Last Post: Feb 10, 2015
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Feb 10, 2015
Undergraduate / An Unbreakable Bond - the loss of a friend can destroy a life and change someone's perspective [3]

Hello :) I enjoyed reading your essay, and I'd also like to express my sympathy, your paper is very touching :) I think it looks fantastic. I have a few recommendations for changing your wording, which is good but could be edited a bit.

After I realized he would not be able to ride his bike over or offer his brotherly advice anymore, it hit me that he was truly gone.

This might sound better: "Once I realized he would never again ride his bike..."

The majority of my life, I was an extremely shy girl.
I think this would be better: "For most of my life, I was extremely shy."

If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't know how to ride a bike or had ever faced my fear of going into the deep end of the pool.

"He supported me through many frightening challenges, like learning how to ride a bike, or diving into the deep end of the pool. "

However one day, he was unexpectedly taken away from me.
"Tragically, he was unexpectedly taken from me."

Knowing that the boy who had been there for me almost my entire life was no longer there devastated me.
"I was devastated by the fact that he was no longer by my side."

I put up a strong front and pretended everything was alright on the inside though, I was shattered.
Although I was completely shattered, I put up a strong front and pretended that I was fine.
Feb 10, 2015
Undergraduate / Be ambitious in my dreams and daring in my actions -- Queen's Commerce SE [3]

Hello :) I do believe you correctly interpreted the prompt question.

After my "unwise" decision to help disabled athletes in Singapore was rejected by my mentor, I had to launch a social entrepreneurship project with myself being the only participant, because nearly everybody considered it a waste of time to work for a poorly-rated organization that received little public attention.

I do like how you get "right to the point" but you seem to be rushing right into it. I'd like to know which grade you were in when you undertook this project. Also, this introductory sentence is far too long. However, this does show your persistence and determination- both qualities that the college wants to see in a student :)

After all, it would be extremely hard to persuade customers and sponsors to donate money for a group of people they hardly knew about.
You probably shouldn't end this sentence with "about"

But I was determined to raise funds and public awareness for Singapore Disability Sports Council (SDSC), despite the prediction that my plan was doomed to fail.

This makes me wonder why it was predicted to fail, was it because your mentor told you so?

Through my connections with the student council at secondary school, I managed to collaborate with some art students who helped me with the designs of thousands of postcards.

I recommend changing this sentence to: My student council associates connected me to art students, who collaborated with me to design thousands of cards. This shows how resourceful you are, and that you are great at networking.

With a brief introduction of SDSC and its missions, these specially designed postcards were sold by volunteers along Singapore's busiest streets.
If you manage to cut anything out of your essay, it might be helpful to add in a description of how you obtained volunteers to do this.

Besides harvesting leadership and interactive skills, I also became more determined in pursuing my goals, as every idea was definitely worth trying, no matter how unrealistic it might appear at the start.

This sentence is too wordy. I'd simplify, remove "harvesting leadership..." because you are stating the obvious. Be very clear and straightforward about exactly what you did and how it affected you.

Such experience also taught me to be ambitious in my dreams and daring in my actions, skills that I deemed essential in becoming a successful entrepreneur in the future.

Try something like this: I have now learned the skills required of an entrepreneur, and my experiences have raised my ambition to succeed.
Feb 5, 2015
Undergraduate / "Being different to make a difference"-U of Washington Int. Transfer Personal Statement [3]

I hate being different. That is what had been on top of my mind before high school.
Is there any way to turn this into a more positive introduction? It would be more positive to say "I'm unique", or "I march to the beat of my own drum." I'm afraid that it is not ideal to start your essay with words like "hate."

A Chinese person would save money to expand his business, while a native would spend it frivolouslyfor fun once he gets it, leading to stagnancy.

While I was proud at the statement for the sake of Chinese superiority, I doubt if non-Chinese would not be successful at all.
Try this instead: "When I heard that statement, I felt proud of my heritage. However, I found it hard to believe that a non-Chinese person couldn't be successful."

The church I went into barricaded itself from the diverse world, struggling with Chinese Indonesian members that all came from rich family, not knowing why they ended up in the church themselves, other than sent by their parents.

I find this a bit confusing. I'd like to see you tidy this up a bit, because this statement seems important. It is hard to know exactly what is the purpose of this statement.

I hated being different, but I do felt that I'm different.
I think everyone can relate to this sentiment. But, I'd like to see you turn this statement into a positive one. I do see that, later in the essay, you reveal that you used your uniqueness to your advantage, which is excellent. The college is surely looking for a student as unique as you :)

AtDuring primary school, I would bewas the student in the computer room who wouldtrying all the buttons that appeared on games, rather than playing itthem procedurally.

I befriended with Iranians and Ethiopians, and respectful Muslims in hijabs who do nothave no fear of discrimination,by speaking up why they are proud to do what they do.with pride.
Jan 31, 2013
Graduate / MSc Human-Computer Interaction | Statement of Intent [2]

Combining this with the practical knowledge I acquired while working at **company**, I have a unique view of both, the academic and economic aspects while still studying.

This sentence sounds a little awkward, maybe you can clear this up by saying it in a more simple way? You are trying to say that your goal is to combine your work experience and your education to move forward in your career.

A very interesting part is the vast amount of possibilities for human-computer interaction.
Maybe this would sound better: "I am interested in the vast amount of possibilities for the analysis of human-computer interaction."

During my bachelor program I never lost my psychological interest, which is why my very first practical experience was the evaluation of possibilities for interactive projections.

Or, you could say it like this: "My interest in psychology persisted during my bachelor degree program. This inspired my very first practical experience, which was the evaluation of possibilities for interactive projections."

Every sense provides us with a new way to interact with a computer.
Another way to say this: "Analysis of the human senses is a new way of studying computer interaction."
Jan 31, 2013
Undergraduate / Taking care of baby sister/Volunteer SFU;UBC ADMISSIONS - EXPERIENCE/ FIVE ACTIVITIES [2]

Over time, I have learned everything there was toabout tending to a baby. BeingBecause I was the eldest, I persevered as I felt the urge to help my parents in any way possible.

I am fully aware of how difficult it must be to raise an adolescent, especially on your own.

I think this does not connect well to the previous sentences, first you speak of a baby, then you go on to speak of an adolescent. So, I assume that you cared for your sister until she was an adolescent... or, maybe you are trying to relate to the way your parents felt about raising you. Either way, it is a bit confusing and out of place. You can improve on this.

Because I have enduredsimilarthese challenges, I now have a greater appreciation for mothers and fathers.

Since I had a taste of what it feels like to be a mother, I know that at my present age, I am no where near ready to have a child of my own.

This is an ok point to make, but instead of saying this, you could mention how you learned to be responsible and how to be nurturing, therefore it helped you grow as a person.
Jan 31, 2013
Undergraduate / "The Rut"; Common App Transfer Essay [2]

Fantastic job! I have a few suggestions to change your wording.

Gracie is mildly autistic; meaning life is not as carefree and easy for her as anythe other children of her age.

awkward transition to this sentence: One thing, however, that she loves and that we do every week is gardening.
Maybe say it like this: "Her favorite activity is gardening, and we spend time together in the garden every week."

All of her frustration and difficulties with her autism melt away and disappear as soon as we step onto that little plot of land.

We are still learning, becauseh alf the flowers are drooping and the carrots we tried to plant last year failed miserably.

It's not much to others, but for us, it's our own little piece of happiness where we can escape all the trouble of the world.the both of us .

I felt the empty hole in my life that wanted to be filled with daring adventures.and wasn't.

Jan 30, 2013
Writing Feedback / Write a short story about a meal at a Thai restaurant [3]

Hi, your paper sounds really great :) I have a few suggestions.

It is not the norm for me to visit a large variety of restaurants or for me to write a restaurant review. However, after dining at Thai Lotus for the first time, I was invigorated to write one.

This might sound better: It is rare for me to visit restaurants or write reviews on them. Since I dined at Thai Lotus for the first time, I was inspired to write my first review.

It was just a typical weekend. My family left for another vacation.
This might sound better: "On a typical weekend, my family went out of town, leaving me to choose my own meals."

They gave me the menu and waited for me to decide on my order.

Therefore, even if I was unsure, I could observe the corresponding image and choose from there.decide if it was appealing.

Seeing asBecause it is one of my favorite drinks, I ordered it.

However, those pictures made me want to give it a try.

You could also say this: "The delicious looking dishes in the pictures inspired me to try something new."
Jan 28, 2013
Essays / A short satirical essay on old people. [2]

I think you are on the right track, but didn't "nail it" I think that it sounds a little too negative and I'd like it to be more light and funny... it sounds like you are grouchy while writing it. Here are the parts that I think you could improve on:

This is a fine moral value to instill on a child but once that child begins to age, he or she will begin to see the truth behind the lies.

This is too serious.

Having refined motor skills is imperative to lead an active lifestyle. Unless a person does nothing but sit in front of a TV all day, they need to possess them. Old people do not have very good motor skills.

Can you make this more interesting?

This is because old people are worthless when it comes to memory, at least short term.
This is kind of sad, too serious... find a way to make it funnier.
Jan 27, 2013
Essays / Choosing a topic; RTA School of Media Research-Based Essay [4]

Albert Einstein once said, "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." How does this apply to you?
This one is interesting, because you could write a bit about how Einstein is inspiring in so many ways, say for 1 paragraph (and explore what he means by this quote). Then perhaps you could explain that traditional schooling is possibly too generic, or even "controlled" so that young people are shaped in a way that the government wants them to be. It would be interesting to come up with reasons why un-schooling is important to some parents, who disagree with the standard education. Instead, they choose to encourage the child's innate talents and abilities, they put more emphasis on the child's strengths and nurture them, while putting some "unnecessary" subjects on the back burner. Or, in the time that a child is sitting at a desk in school all day, they could be exploring a nature trail, or a tidepool, or a museum, or reading novels... and a without traditional school, a child is allowed to learn at their own pace and what is interesting to them. How does it apply to you? What aspects about standard education do you feel may have hindered your true interests or abilities?
Jan 27, 2013

Describe current and past experience with the promotion of diversity and how these previous experiences will impact your future promotion of diversity
I don't think you have completely answered this question. Try to come up with some things you've done that involved sharing culture with others... I think the first half of the paper is kind of vague, It would be way more interesting to add specific, personal scenarios... I really think that that is what the question is asking for.

Diversity is not only different skin colors but a person's background; their principles with diverse range of interests, beliefs and experiences.
I think you could write something more profound in place of this sentence. It is too basic.

We don't all have to agree or disagree on a topic; the beauty of it is being able to see different points of views.

At this point in your paper, begin leading into the paper by a sentence like: Diversity helps us to learn, be accepting and inspired, and to appreciate the heritage that other cultures can teach us.

Strolling down the streets of *****a, I encounter various people from all around the world.
How about something more specific, where people gather, like a park, mall, or festival.

I can contribute to the diversity at ***** University by numerous characteristics.
Be sure to explain what "actions" you took to promote diversity... not necessarily your personal qualities.
Jan 27, 2013
Essays / Superman: Hero, Inspiration, Tyrant, popular epigraph [6]

Hell, while watching television, I would jump channels just to admire the commercials.
Elaborate, perhaps? I also like "skip" channels, or "flip through the stations" If possible, it would be nice to say that the jingles were catchy, the colors were exciting, the ads for toys were enticing, etc.

Eight years ago, when I was young and[and I'd like to say] naĂŻve, I was in love with Superman. If asked why now, I would state the following reasons:

If asked why now
... Or you could say: "Now, If somebody asked me why I idolized superman, I would say:"

The said people, along with ardent fans and popular culture, followed.
"The said people" sounds odd, re-phrase that part.

Seeing the popular culture, I was influenced to join the bandwagon and annually fashioned a red cape and blue tights to "trick-or-treat".
As popular culture would have it, I joined the bandwagon of people who annually fashioned a red cape and blue tights to "trick-or-treat".

I like it better like this: "strong, invincible, courageous, humble, practically everything." Can you think of another phrase for "practically everything"?
Jan 17, 2013
Essays / Help writing an argument thesis statement / essay on reality tv! [7]

thesis on reality T.V.shows

Although Reality TV shows are incredibly popular, viewers can be negatively impacted and deceived by these types of programs.

Supporting reasons:
Reality programs have little educational content, which causes the viewer to waste time that could be used for learning, or being active.
Reality programs about criminals or drug addicts may even give young people ideas on ways to rebel.
Talent competition shows make it seem like anybody can become a glamorous celebrity.
These types of shows are often heavily contrived, meaning that most of the show is planned ahead of the filming, making it "fake" reality.

Reality shows may enforce negative stereotypes (for ex. Jersey shore for Italians)
Jan 17, 2013
Undergraduate / EXPAND MY KNOWLEDGE; CUNY LAGCC -Your reasons for transferring and the obj. [2]

MyThe main reason forthat I am transferring is in order to expand my knowledge in a rich environment.

By transferring from CUNY LaGuardia Community College to a 4 year school, I will get a chancehave opportunities to meet new people from all parts of the country,and thiswhich plays a huge role in networking.

My current experience at CUNY LAGCC was not horrible. My experience was actually a warm and informative experience.

I received a taste of how college functions and also what it feels like to sit in a college course.

This may sound better: "I had the ability to enjoy studying in a college learning environment."

I picture CUNY LAGCC as a stepping stoneforto a brighter future not only for myself but alsoand my family.
Jan 17, 2013
Undergraduate / Large household and homeschooling - Who and what was Infulential? [5]

Hi I can give some suggestions for your paper.
I think if you can use more space for this- go for it. I think the college would be interested to hear about your unique situation.

I think you should work on your grammar and wording in this essay here. The first sentence is a little disjointed. Be sure to mention that the varied occupants were family members. Homeschooling should be more emphasized than criticizing the school system- emphasize the family-oriented environment, and your ability to perform independent learning. You can mention that you were so focused in getting the best grades, so you would not do clubs because you needed to study more. keep it positive, you don't need to all yourself shy. Instead, explain that you have been involved in your studies.
Jan 17, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Shopping as a hobby. Why? Good or Bad! [4]

Shopping is inevitable for everyone.
You could also say this: "Shopping is a chore that every person must do."

Yet, it has dramatically changed itsThe recent dynamics more recentlyof shopping have changed, as numbers of people prefer to spend their free time in shopping malls.

It is agreed that shopping asis a fun activity but is also an unhealthy trend that is seriously affecting our society.

Take an example of dress shows excessively highlighted by TV channels. People watching these programs tend to copy these designs and wander around shops for countless hours. Similarly, lavish life styles shown in dramas affect many young-ones and they try to follow the same by any means. Also, stardom plays a key role enticing people to live a life-style like their heroes.

I think that using the media as an negative influence on society is a great idea. I think that you can improve upon your explanation of this situation. When people see advertisements, it makes them feel like they need that item, to keep up with fashion standards, or to keep buying new clothes when the ones they already have is fine... this leads to wastefulness. People do like to look at fashion magazines that make products like clothing makeup perfume look glamorous, when these item are completely unnecessary. By purchasing these items, some people may later feel guilty for wasting their money, or may end up with credit cards they cannot pay.
Jan 16, 2013
Essays / Early Childcare / Childhood Education Essays - which points to mention? [5]

counter arguments on how can early childhood education programs help promote development in children with learning disabilities

these programs may cause confusion for the child
the child may feel overwhelmed
the child may feel self-conscious or have low self-esteem because they feel criticized
the child may not have the desire to cooperate
the educator may intimidate the child and make him clam up
the child may not understand why he is being singled-out as "different"
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Smith College - A theme song that describes you best; "What's This!" [4]

I really like this essay. I have a few suggestions for word changes.

I enjoy being confused, amazed, or dumbfounded , which meansgives me more chances to learn and experience something new. I keep asking "what's this", then "why" and "what if."I yearn to explore the unknown like there's no tomorrow, for the more I know, the more I don't know. That's why Danny Elfman's "What's this" vividly portrays my life! AndE very time I look at this interesting world with curious infant' eyes,and ask, I always find the world to be a fine place andthat is worth fighting for.

confused/dumbfounded are synonyms- maybe you should choose a different word in order to be more descriptive

consider replacing your final words "fighting for" with "exploring"
Jan 15, 2013
Undergraduate / Peace lover / changing perceptions- About myself, perspective & what I hope to learn [4]

The "Ya" represents my socially awkward side, which a lot of timesis evident in how I respond instumble through some conversations.

Zhre-Ya-Dove is clumsy, shy and reserved like most teenagers.
I don't like the idea that most teenagers fit into these descriptions.

I am resolute on what I consider is right, what is not and what I have yet to decide upon.
This actually kind of vague, try to sound more confident.

I eat meat without hesitation for I know feeding for survival is a natural instinct.
This sounds weird.. Maybe you could say something about how you have a passion for cooking, or that you really enjoy Indian food...for example

However, I trail off into my chain of thought when a mosquito buzzes around me trying to contemplate whether it is correct to kill a mosquito as the mosquito is only following its natural instinct of feeding while I am only trying to defend myself.

Maybe you could shorten this sentence: "Even when a mosquito buzzes around me, I ponder the validity of squashing it, because the mosquito is only trying to eat."
Jan 13, 2013
Undergraduate / "But why not?"; Lafayette supplement - Why not?MOMENT [3]

I think the topic would sound more interesting if you introduced the purpose of the test you were taking in the beginning. Say something about your desire to fly and that you had to try and see if it was a possibility for you, why not? It is better to know than to always wonder, what if? I have some suggestions to improve your grammar and wording.

Was I going to leave with a medical certificate or not, I wasn't sure.
Maybe say it like this: "I wasn't sure whether I'd leave with a medical certificate or not."

He gave me the five pagelong registration form and...

I knew that my eyesightvision was the deciding factor infor obtaining the certificate.and I thought I was as readyprepared for failure as I was for passing the test.

Quite expectedly,A few minutes later, I was told squarely that I would never be ablequalified to pilot even an ultralight aircraft, let alone a commercial jumbo jet.
Jan 13, 2013
Essays / Help on HSB4M-A ILC Unit 1 Lesson 2 [3]

I think you are on the right track.
reasons that there are differences of opinion in these excerpts about the terrorist attacks
I will assume that the articles included these reasons: probably because people come from different backgrounds, and use different beliefs to explain why such a terrible disaster could happen. Some people may blame god, some may blame terrorists, some may blame the world economy, some may blame the american government. So, I suppose that if you select a study group, you could poll them, find out their reasons, then examine their basis for their viewpoints. Maybe you could compare them by age group: meaning younger people may skew towards believing that the government set up the attacks, while older people see it as an act of terrorism, as it has been reported. You could compare their religious beliefs, a Muslim my see it very differently than a catholic. Maybe you could compare them by profession, socioeconomic status, ethnic background... There are a lot of aspects that you could compare. Good luck, and if you have anything more written, you can post it here, there are many of us that are happy to help :)
Jan 13, 2013
Undergraduate / Math&Finance programs/Asian Bilingual Debate; U Michigan-Unique qualities/ Community [2]

I have breezed the fresh air and climbed the skyscrapers in the most developed cities like Shanghai, Toronto, and Singapore.
I think this is a bit contradictory, because busy cities are not usually associated with fresh air.. maybe you could change the wording of this sentence.

Like many developing regions in the world, China is facing an immediateurgent social problem, where the benefits of a rocketing economydevelopment is notoriously skewed to the richest class.

Witnessing the great giant schism between the different social classes has greatly stricken my heart and made me ponder over this question...

Mathematics holds the key to answering many questions about the world around us (maybe say it is the key to many solutions)

How to use the magical power of mathematics to help eliminate the national inequality is what I am eager to learn by pursuing an undergraduate degree at University of Michigan.

You could say it like this: "My goal is to pursue mathematics as an undergraduate at U Michigan because I am eager to use math to solve the problem of national inequality."
Jan 9, 2013
Undergraduate / Smoking benefits only the companies who sell cigarettes [2]

A cigarette is a cylinder shaped paper that is filled with tobacco leaves for people to smoke. Companies make these cigarettes for their own business and for getting peoples' money. Cigarettes should be illegal because they cause heart problems, addiction, and affects non-smokers.

Nice intro. You should add to it the fact that cigarettes are highly addictive. (intro should usually mention the key points that you intend on writing the paper about)

Cigarettes are really dangerous and can easily cause health problems.
I changed "heart" problems to "health" problems because you are introducing the entire paragraph with this sentence, which should summarize the points you will make)

One of the greatest disadvantages of cigarettesdisadvantages is its their addictive qualities .

Nicotine is aaddictive substance that makes the smokers beaddictedandso that they can't stop smoking.

Smoking addiction means continuous smoking and it will be hard for them to stop.

This is just repeating the previous sentence, I would omit this.
Jan 8, 2013
Undergraduate / Furthering studies beyond Associate's Degree; PS - Nursing Transfer & Objectives [2]

The dreary hospital walls, the pungent smell of hospital food, theand lingering diseases from hall to hall are not the ideal workplaceworking environment for most.

As I entered community college, I was unclear of what my career path was intended to be.

Or you could say "I was interested in many subjects, making it hard to determine a single career path."

I began volunteering at the local hospital in order to gain first hand experience in the medical world.first hand.

I have been able to come into contact with a variety of patients...

During m y last two years of high school, I attended a public school for the first time, and I was entirely dissatisfied by the instruction that I received did not meet my educational standards.

I want to be able to make a difference in someone's life and care for them during their time inof need.
Jan 8, 2013
Scholarship / I want to make a difference; U Ottawa Scholarship - Why Engineering? [3]

Hi :) Your essay is nice, but it is a little plain. I am afraid that it may end up blending in with the many many other essays for this scholarship. Try to make your intro more about you and less about explaining the concept of engineering. The best thing that you can do is explain that you have a huge interest in the field, say if you have any experience in this subject, and explain what you intend to pursue regarding your career. Be sure to show them that you have a plan.. short term and long term, state your goals. Explain how your college education will help you advance toward your lifetime goals. Good luck in school :)
Jan 8, 2013
Undergraduate / Harry Potter & Magic Power ; Denison "significant book" Supp [3]

Hi :) Nice job! I have written some suggestions underneath some selections from your essay, just some ideas to fix your wording :)

When I opened the first Harry Potter book reluctantly at the age of 11, I had no idea how everything would be changed in my life.

When I was 11, I was reluctant to begin reading the first Harry Potter novel. I had no idea how much this book would influence my future.

Before that, I read most popular science books. Totally fascinated I immersed into the book unexpectedly.
Earlier in my life, I had mainly read popular science books. As I read Harry Potter, I unexpectedly became immersed in the book.

Not only a book, a vast world opened to me at that moment.
It was not just a book, it was as if another world lay behind those pages.

After reading it, I found that novels are also a kind of interesting books.
This novel inspired me to continue reading similar books.

So I went to the library and picked up another book called Jane Eyre and thus began my reading journey as a literature lover.
I found a copy of Jane Eyre at the library, and continued my reading journey with a great love of literature.

As I was so attracted to the magic world created in the book, I searched more about castles, swords and witch-hunting movement and found surprisingly the relationship to the medieval background.

The magical world that the book revealed sparked my interest in other topics, such as medieval history. I could read forever about castles, swords and the witch-hunting movement.

The finding aroused more curiosity. I discovered that my passion wasinfor history and chose it as my major in 12th Grade. Moreover, remembering the magic power of words, I want to give others the same impact that I was received. I am writing my own fiction now.
Jan 7, 2013
Undergraduate / Volunteering in a memorial hall; COMMON APP/ Significant Experience [2]

Hi :) Your essay is excellent. I have one little suggestion on this sentence:

I also know I harbor a lot of other chronic flaws that hinder my growth.
I don't think this is a good fit for your 2nd to last sentence. Can you replace this with something more positive? You did a great job solving the dilemma and relieved the strain on the tour situation, for yourself and for the families taking the tour. Maybe you could say that you are now capable of overcoming a personal weakness by using your innate problem-solving skills.

Nice work on your paper. Good luck in school :)
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / French and United States History ; Which you have had difficulty/ What factors? [3]

I think that anybody can relate to the frustration that you describe, and you did a very good job with explaining your struggles. From your essay, it is obvious that you are very intelligent, and you are taking advanced courses which are designed to challenge you. It seems that you completely answered the prompt question, and you have no errors or structural problems in your paper. Well done :) One suggestion that I have is to shorten these two sentences, or break them up into a few shorter ones, they are a bit too long:

Now that I am a senior in high school I am currently enrolled in French two Honors, which is an easy class to pass, but actually understanding the material in the textbook and being able to communicate that material is a great academic difficulty I have had this year. To cope with my difficulties in French I have stayed after school and received helped from my teacher, listened to the supplemental cd that comes with our course textbook, and practiced having conversations with my friends.
Jan 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS-There can be many negative effects caused by people resisting to new changes! [5]

In r ecent years, it wouldseems that more people counteractresist changes that they meet in their lives. This is an important issue of today's concern.

From my point of view, people maybe meet adverse side effects if they have this character.

This sounds unclear.. maybe say it like this: "In my opinion, people who resist change will suffer from the effects of their hesitation."

First of all, when people go abroad to study or work, they must adaptto a new culture and interact with local people.

In case they still keep their counteraction, they cannot connected with any other and learn new things from new places.

Maybe you could say it like this: "If they are afraid to try new things, they will never enjoy learning new things from foreign places."
Jan 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / (IELTS graph) underground railway system; London: 775 million people per year [2]

It is clear from the chart that, the oldest three railway stations are the biggest in size of stations and handling the highest travelers per year.

You could also say it like this: "The chart shows that the oldest three railway stations are also the largest, and they have the highest amount or travelers per year."

Although Paris is the second oldest station and is only the two thirds of the route size of London station, it carries 1191 million people more people, 1191 million people per year, than London system.

At the same time, Tokyo isbeing the least among the three oldest stations, in terms of age and size of route, and it serves the highest number of people compared with London and Paris.

In other words, the Tokyo railway system carries 1927 million people per year,where as it iscompared to the 1190 million people per year by Paris system and 775 million people per year by London system.

Jan 3, 2013
Writing Feedback / Smoking effects and smoking ban; IELTS [10]

Yes, Jupiter, I meant to write "many"
sorry, it was a typo... I've just ordered a new keyboard, lol
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Peer Advocate' - (Applying to Emory and UM as a Transfer Student) [5]

I can't begin to describe the feeling I get whenI help a student plan for their future and contribute to their academic success.

Conveying the importance of education and achieving one's maximum potential has become a part of my everyday life.
You could say it like this: "My goal is to convey the importance of education and show others how to achieve their maximum potential."

Each advocate is assigned mentees and it is the advocate's responsibility to assist them in educational planning and be a source of motivation for them.

This is slightly repetitive considering what you say in the beginning of your essay.

I believe that knowing where to find information and receive help is imperative to success in college.
This is stating the obvious, use your limited space to explain exactly what you did in that position.

Being a part of this organization has made this past semester very rewarding and I'm excited to see what next semester has in store for me.

You could also say it like this: "I intend to use the skills that I've learned from this experience to continue helping students in the future (next semester?)"
Jan 2, 2013
Writing Feedback / Smoking effects and smoking ban; IELTS [10]

I have some ideas to change you wording, to make it sound better. Good luck in school :)

It is obviously that there is no defense for the harmful effects of smoking on both smoker and those who are around them.
It is obvious that smoking has harmful effects on both the smoker and the people around him.

Many researches have done with the conclusions about the overwhelming adverse impacts to health.
Research has proven that there are any negative effects associated with smoking.

Smoking not only harms the smokers themselves but also those around them who are affecting by so-called passive smoking.
Not only do cigarettes harm smokers, they also cause second-hand smoke, and those around them are inhaling that.

It is not justonly one of the major risks of the heart attacks or strokes; smoking is also the main reason of lung and liver cancer, which are incurable diseases.that people have not yet found out any solution for them. In addition, smoking shortens the life of a human significantly.
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / 'brilliant minds in the country' - Duke Pratt School of Engineering [5]

Hi :) Your essay sounds fantastic! I can suggest some changes in your wording, but it is great even if you don't change anything :)

As a child, my aspirations were never very consistent.
You could also say it like this: "As a child, my aspirations lacked consistency."

Dig a little deeper, and you'll see that they all share the importance of problem solving.
You might want to say it like this: "Under the surface, these aspirations have the common goal of problem solving."
I think that "you'll see" is a bit informal.

This is precisely why I've narrowed my aspirations to studying engineering.
Something like this may sound better: "With an eagerness for problem solving, I have decided to focus on the field of engineering."

One of my favorite aspects is the well roundedness of the University.
Another way that you could say this: "One of the most impressive things about the University is that it is so well-rounded."

The beauty of the gardens, the majestic-like chapel, and serene walkways combined with students all decked out in blue and white spreading school spirit to everyone they meet created a picture-perfect campus.

This sentence is too long.
Jan 2, 2013
Undergraduate / BENNINGTON/supplement/running list/ short answer [5]

1)How did you first hear about Bennington College? Please be specific.
Your answer to this question is good, but if word limit allows, add more to it. why did you decide it was the best (besides financial aid) and what exactly is so attractive about the college (ex. the city it is in, the activities/campus life, degree programs)

2) I think the second one is good. You should probably write one more sentence in that section, maybe say something that the book reveals that is an interesting fact.

3) I would like to take internship in a City Hall which would benefit my future. I want to improve my city and country. I will start from my City Hall. I learned from visiting Cincinnati City Hall; my country's system must be modified.

This might sound better: "I am interested in being an intern at a City Hall. I intend to work there in order to improve the future of my city and country. I can use what I learn from interning to create modifications to my country's political system."
Jan 1, 2013
Undergraduate / Cellular processes ; BU / WHY APPLY/ [4]

Hi, your essay looks really good, I think that you have done a nice job with this. I have a few suggestions on how you may want to change your wording:

I am fascinated by t he way that countless body mechanisms function simultaneously to produce life.fascinates me; I hope to take advantage of Boston University's programs in biology and laboratory research.My plan is to discover a way of manipulating cancer cells so that effective vaccines and remedies can be implemented.

I hope to participate in Maria Panchenko's Cell Biology and Biochemistry project, whichinvestigatesthe wayaffects of protein complexes affecton the regeneration of tissues.is a program I hope to participate in.

While the main focus remains on academics, Boston allows exploration and engagement in student groups.

At a university, amalgamation of ideas and a cultural awareness is of the utmost importance.

Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / LANGUAGES/ English, Spanish & Chinese; NYU/ What intrigues you? [4]

Your essay sounds really good to me. I can help you with your wording and to not be repetitive.

Although speaking came naturally, I had a harder time learning how towith writing in Spanish. I had to learn to beuse patience because writing in Spanish seemed to be the complete opposite of writing in English.

Today, it amazes me that there are so many living languagesdialects and that each one is unique it its own way.

Even here, in my own country, it delights me to hear such varied methods of conversation.
Here is another way that you could say this: "Even when I listen to Americans, I am delighted to hear the variations in local accents and lingo."

Hearing languages that are so unfamiliar to my own languages, such as Chinese, makes me curious about the history behind them.
Another way that you could say this: "When I hear unfamiliar ways of speaking that are so different from my own, I become curious about their history."

Good luck in school :)
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / We can never judge the lives of others; Common App [4]

Many people don't take the time to think about the problemsthat others might be facinghiding under the surface.

They only see the wealth, privileges, and social status and tend to believe that everyone else's life is perfect and often reach the conclusion that their own life is worthless and they immerse in self-pity.

This sentence needs some clarity, it is a bit too long... maybe you should shorten this.

They take the easy way out, and instead of dealing with their own problems and achieving the life they wish for, they spend their time envying the people around them.

On the contrary, there are other members of society whom we always underestimate because current situation.

You may want to say it like this: "Some members of society are typically underestimated due to their current situation."

There are so many people who are permanently labeled,and can't break out of it;such as high school drop-outsisare dumb, a homeless person is lazy, and everyone who wasn't fortunate enough to grow up in a traditional household.is judge based on circumstances, which they are not even responsible for many times.

This sentence is also too long. The part I crossed out is repetitive.
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / The book, "The Hot Zone"; NYU & COLUMBIA; What intrigues/ significance to you? [10]

I think that you have a great topic for your essay, and you have great reason to write an essay about this book. I think that you get a bit off-track in a few places, because you seem to ramble in a philosophical sort of way. I'd change the extremely serious tone to one of curiosity and desire for knowledge. The purpose of this prompt is to reveal something about your personality and the way you reflect on literature. So, I'd suggest for you to connect the theme of this book to what your goals are, and besides your catharsis, what have you learned from this book that you can apply to real life, how will this book inspire you to lead your life in a new/improved way. Try to connect it to what you intend to study in school/your plan for the future. Good luck in school :)
Dec 31, 2012
Undergraduate / Minority Hill Tribe is One of My Homes/ CALVIN COLLEGE; Christian learning environment [7]

I found a couple of things that you might want to change. I can't really find any errors. Your essay has great content and I like the topic. One thing that concerns me is that this essay does not seem to properly answer the prompt question. I think the college would like to hear how you will use your unique knowledge to contribute to class and campus activities.

While living in China, I had the opportunity to follow my parents on mission trips to villages of the Akha, a hill tribe minority group of Yunnan Province.

It was through such touching experiences that melted and opened my heart to this initially foreign land of strangers.

You could also say it like this: "Touching experiences like this melted my heart and opened my eyes to this initially foreign land of strangers."
Dec 30, 2012
Undergraduate / Major in Engineering + mix of Physics, math & dirty hands; UPenn/Engage academically [6]

he took me the workshop and we deal that i will work with him for ten days u till the school start.i went cause i wanted to know more about engineering and do things with my hands .

You could say it like this: "I had ten days before school started, and he took me to the workshop to spend that time working and learning about engineering."

He told someone called Ali to learnteach me whatever i want. Although Ali is uneducated,he knew how everything works and the underlying physical and mathematical concepts.behind it. He told me to chose a machine. I chose a machine by which i can knowthat was hard to know whether the parts were broken. i was so slow In the beginning I was slow, but i got accustomedused to using the machine and i got faster and fastergained speed . i loved the work, and although i was not paid , but i did not care . All what i want is to do something new and exciting . I went everyday for the next 10 days with a big smile on my face and an excited spirit . andA fter this exciting experience, i was sure that engineering would be my major. that aperfect mixture of physics, mathematics , and dirty hands .

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