Dear Cornell. Please let me into your medical school. I don't know if I really want to be a doctor or even if I want to do anything with medicine, but I am really good in biology. I got an A+ in two semesters of biology. Maybe one day I will discover the cure for a major disease. Please let me in despite the thousands of other overly qualified students that have studied for years to be there. Thanks in advance. I hope this short essay exemplifies how shallow your essay here is. If you want to study computer science, there must be at least ONE area of computer science that really intrigues you. Talk about that. The essay prompt also asks you to explain an interest. You should use your essay real estate to talk about an interest in computer science you have and how Cornell and it's vast resources can help you explore it.. -admissionsadviceonline
NYU is not looking for a summary of the word of fiction or art, but rather how it has inspired you. Focus more of the essay on what have you done since being inspired. Show NYU the steps you have taken to fulfill your new-found aspirations. -AAO
This is a really good professional biography. However, you are applying to a program and this should be a statement of PURPOSE. Add a section where you talk about your interests and how this school can help you explore those. -AAO
This prompt shouldn't be as hard as I feel you are making it. Given your background, you have a unique story to tell. What Colleges want to see from this prompt is what will you add to their community. Colleges want to put together as diverse of a class as possible. Just talk about what makes you unique and why do you value diversity. If you do this in a simple yet interesting way, your essay will be amazing. -AAO
You should be a little bit more specific as to why you wish to study Hotel Administration at BU. There are several other programs in the Boston area that offer that program---why specifically BU. If you can provide a real compelling reason this essay will be perfect. -AAO
You were correct in that your first draft completely ignored the business aspect of the degree. With that being said, this dual degree is designed specifically for working adults. Are you currently working? If so, talk about that experience so that it validates your wanting to study for the MBA as well. -AAO
This SOP needs some work to get to the LSE level. Because LSE is one of the hardest masters degrees in terms of admissions, this SOP needs to be perfect. You do not really connect the dots here. You throw out immediately that you are an assistant trader and then talk about how you want to study economic policy but really show no real interest in doing so based upon your essay. What groups are you apart of? Do you hold any certifications? What courses are you interested in taking? Why LSE? There is just too much missing here to make it LSE quality. -AAO
I think this is a great essay. Your topic is unique and refreshing. I would really add a punch to this essay by talking about how you discovered that by using your talents(Multi-lingual), you were able to help others and how this not only allowed you to think of translation as a possible career choice but also has shaped who you are in terms of being able to work with others, facilitate groups, projects etc by understanding the strengths and weaknesses of all those involved. Once you add this element, this essay should be a 10/10. -AAO
Rule number one in writing admissions essays: Do not make yourself look unnecessarily bad. Why would you put that your grades went down because of a extracurricular activity? That will show the admissions staff that you are not prepared to make good judgement. I would leave that out of this essay. -AAO
Whenever your write an essay like this, it is best to give an example. Anyone can say Yale is great, Yale is amazing....give concrete examples of why it is great and amazing. Failure to do this will just make the admissions committee think you are just applying to the school for the "Brand Name" and not for the resources. -AAO
CM has, as you know, one of the top 3 computer science programs in the World. You will be competing against students that have created programs, websites, designs and other amazing computer related inventions. Your essay is as shallow as they come. Besides the grammatical errors(which can be justified by being a foreign applicant), your essay has absolutely no substance. Why Carnegie Mellon? What are the resources there that you will need? Why, Why, Why? Saying that you are drawn to the school like magnetic field is not a reason. This essay needs to be more encompassing. Talk fully about your passions, talk fully about the resources that you intend to use. As it stands right now, this essay will almost certainly get you a rejection letter. -AAO
First thing...Why would people see your transcript in the first place? Do you walk around with it taped on your back? Aside from your opening paragraph, which borers on narcissism, your essay roommate essay is different and refreshing. I really enjoyed reading the majority of it. I would just try to rephrase the nerd portion and this essay will be a 10/10. -AAO
I think your first three responses are really good. 9.5/10. Your final response is good, but should be strengthened a little more. When you say you collect quotes, how do you do it? Do you keep a physical journal, an electronic journal, or is it simply by memory. Why do you collect them? Once you add these elements, that essay will also be great. -AAO
I am from Rio myself, so I know how it can be. However, school is school. You are there to learn first and foremost. So it is really never ok to have a voluntary extra-curricular activity bring your grades down. If your grades went down and you want to explain that, you should use an optional essay to do so. However, if it was a slight drop that is more than a year or so old, I would not worry too much about it.
I think this is a good essay however, the reader has to wait until the third paragraph to even begin to understand a little about what you are trying to say. While this tactic works well for movies, it doesn't so much for admissions essays. Why not? Because admissions directors are literally reading thousands of essays each cycle. With an essay like this, you run the risk of them losing interest after the first paragraph. I would open with a strong statement and then go on and tell the story. The opener should talk about the actual event that has had an impact on you. Once you do this, you can then continue with the set up and there is a good chance that it will be read completely. However as it stands now, your opening sounds like many others and thus runs the chance of not being fully read. -AAO
Fortunately for you, many of the students you will compete with will also not have any work experience as they will apply directly from an undergrad program. However, you have an in demand degree and will be seen as someone who is only collecting degrees without intention on using them. Saying that you took a year off to study will not work especially since you will not be able to show that you got good grades on what you were studying for...Your best bet is to use the traveling fill in. Saying that you traveled and explored will work. It always does and it provides a perfect gap year excuse. -AAO
This is a pretty standard SOP. The majority of applicants will write a SOP pretty similar. The only aspect that you should add is to talk about the resources that you intend to use at the University. Also, if your grades are not amazing, I suggest that you spice this SOP up since it is pretty bland. -AAO
I had two of my past clients who are currently at Georgia Tech read this essay. The feedback they gave was that while this essay is good, they want to learn more about your research and activities in the field. They also want to read more about how you will utilize the resources of Georgia Tech to help you achieve your goal(s). So my advice is to fully flush out this essay by talking more about any related jobs, activities, research conducted with faculty or projects that you completed as an undergrad and talk about how Gtech will help you strengthen and improve upon this. -admissions advice online
While you have a few grammatical mistakes, this essay is pretty standard and should not pose any problems for you. You talk about how you interest in Pharmacy came about and what you wish to do post-degree. What I would advise you to add is maybe a sentence or two about what intrigues you about Pharmacy and what aspect of studying Pharmacy excites you. -AAO
It seems like you are trying to combine music with Physics. Great idea, it will make your essay really unique however, it is really hard to read even one sentence. You have way too many grammatical errors packed into this essay for anyone to read it properly. You start off the essay by stating "Being my father a musician caused me to familiarize ," that should be 'With my father being a musical," or "Coming from family filled with musicians." For you to be a successful applicant at an English speaking University, this essay needs to be heavily edited. -AAO
For this critique I will talk about question 5 -Why are you interested in attending the University of Notre Dame? This is probably the most important question out of the bunch. Your answer is pretty much a canned answer. Notre Dame is Catholic so let me say that I because I am a Catholic, I belong. While Norte Dame is in fact a Catholic institution so is Villanova and literally dozens of other great universities....Why Norte Dame. Your response to the questions needs to be deeper than the one you provided. -AAO
Well you talk about your one role as a landscape designer, if you have worked on other related projects talk about those here. Talk about competitions, classes, and resources you wish to engage in at the University.
I am not sure that your essay is as strong as it can be. You state that you moved from Florida in 2007 and you hated RI because people there never explore, but then you want to go back to Florida in essence not exploring yourself. Remember, when writing these essays, you need to present a strong argument that can withstand reasonable criticism from the admissions committee. Furthermore, Flagler College is a top College in Florida, you should mention more about the resources at the school and how you will utilize them. - AAO
This essay is pretty solid. You hit most of the "must haves" for an admissions essay. You talk about your desires and how the school will help foster the realization of goals. The one aspect that I would advise that you add is talk about SOMETHING you have done in sustainability so far. What headway have you made in starting your business? What organizations are you apart of now? Are you a practicing "green person" now in your day to day life? By adding these, you will make your application more rounded and substantive. -AAO
Your revision essay is much better as it somewhat quantified your working experience. The question that I was left with, and I am sure the admissions committee will ask is; "Shouldn't this applicant apply to an MBA program." There are many reasons why someone at your level will select a Masters of Finance over an MBA and these should be addressed. In your essay you write as though you want to switch from a general finance role into a front office style trading job. This, to anyone will signal MBA. If you feel that you cannot successfully apply to a top MBA program, you should make this essay focus more on the areas within finance that this program will help you strengthen. Talk about the classes and how you will apply lessons learned once you graduate. -AAO
Your essay is not as focused as it should be. It seems like you are giving the reader a health lesson. This should be your statement of purpose. Why you wish to study this subject and why now? I could only find one sentence which actually answered this question; "An MPH program with concentration in epidemiology is the perfect course to start in public health as the extensive program will help build up research skills and statistical analysis which will help me to gain a sound knowledge in conducting research back in India right form residency." Everything else that you wrote is pretty much fluff and is not really needed. Focus this essay on your past and future. Use the MPH to connect the two. Once you do this, the essay will flow naturally and there should be no problems with admissions. -AAO
A few things here. While this is a plausible ethical dilemma, please note that this story has been told sooooo many times that I have literally lost count. You need to make this story really unique by adding further detail. Make it an original. Secondly, and most importantly, you have a major issue with grammar. You have a lot of grammatical errors that the admin team at Caltech will simply not be able to overlook no matter how great your grades or SAT scores may be. We can help you fix and perfect this. -AAO
You at least have a great story being a native of Ukraine with ties to the Chernobyl nuclear disaster. This is a great way to establish your reason for studying chemical engineering. Now what you need to do is talk about why you wish to study at Columbia. Saying that Columbia trains leaders will not help you at all. All Univeristies, in theory - train leaders. Talk about the resources at CU and how you plan to take full advantage of them so that you will become a great chemical engineer. -AAO
This is a good essay so far but can be made much stronger by focusing on the research aspect that you hinted on. Have you completed any research so far? What forays into the world of computer aided animation have you taken so far? What specific programs at CU will help you? Talk about these in this essay. It will help make you seem as a stronger more focused candidate for the degree. -AAO
Hello, This essay lacks any real substance. You do not demonstrate that you have a real desire for engineering or physics. What about engineering made you fascinated with it as a Child? Why Physics? What experience do you have so far with Physics. What experiments have you conducted? Examples, examples, examples. Anyone can say they LOVE something, heck I love aviation- but what specifically have you done in pursuit of that "happiness." Just rambling off thoughts as soon as they come to mind without any concrete facts or experiences to back them up is NOT a way to get into a engineering program. -AAO
There is always a way to tell a story no matter how restricted you are. Maybe you can just focus on that moment. The moment where your coach hinted that you should cheat. Focus the entire story on only that event by talking about your feelings and how conflicted you were and how you decided to make the "best" ethical decision. -AAO
Unless the program specifically request that you explain a low GRE score you shouldn't. There is no need to draw attention to the fact that you did poorly on the exam but managed to do ok in many quantitative courses. The adcom will already see this. When you dedicate an entire essay to this fact it makes it seem like you are full of excuses. While test scores are said to be used as an indicator for success in a program, everyone knows that it is NOT. Schools use these numbers to boost their admissions numbers and make their program appear to be more prestigious. Simply state that you are just not a great standardized test taker. If you also did poorly on the SAT you should state that, but going on and on about several different courses is overkill. -AAO
This is a fairly straightforward statement and although this uniquely happened to you, many other applicants will write a story very similar. You should really try to add elements that are unique to you here. Talk about your lack of self confidence before. What made you select swimming?Why did you feel you needed to be a role model to your peers? Was it peer pressure? Really take the reader into your struggles so that we can understand you better. -AAO
The purpose of this essay prompt is for applicants to really talk about someone who has inspired them. This would have been a great essay if you had any real connections to your describe "passion" however, you don't. You write very loftily -"I want to make a positive impact on the world by starting a business that deals with the largest economic, social, and environmental problem, in both Musk's and my opinions, that the world faces: climate change. "- but then go on to state you have no idea what you want to focus on or really do. Do you understand how naive and grandiose that sounds? Most readers will think that If you were really passionate about this issue and this man, you would have done at least a few things; organized a recycling drive, toyed around with a "green" company idea - anything really. It just really makes it hard for the admissions team to get a true sense of passion when you haven't done anything so far to display your passion. -AAO
I think this is a good essay and builds off of the theme that it really does start with just one passionate person. With that said, a major factor your essay is lacking is your personal though. You make general statements, but you never flush out why this is important to you personally. Remember this prompt is asking you about an issue of importance to you. Because of this, you need to really state why you have taken up such a plight. -AAO
Stop the madness. If your ultimate goal is to give back to the community, why go to College? Do you intend to give back in another way afterwards? You are writing this essay because you think this is what they want to hear. As a former admissions officer, I literally read thousands of "I want to help or give back essays." The vast majority of them were mundane and monotonous such as this one. This is a very specific essay prompt...where do you come from and how has that shaped where you desire to go. The hidden caveat in the question is, "how can this school help you connect points A & B." It's great that you want to give back. Many people find sometime to give back on the side. But this question is asking "what do you really want to do?" -What shaped your passion? If your passion really is community service and giving back, your position on that needs to be more structured such as "I want to be a community organizer, a teacher, a doctor, etc"...something where it would be your job to give back and "save" others. -AAO
I am not sure if you are serious here, but in case you are, I want to be very clear...this is NOT a good "Statement of Objectives." A Good PhD level application document should explain your research in detail and what direction you wish to take your research towards( How MIT will help you). This essay does not show any real academic prowess let alone of the level that would be required for admissions to MIT. Strengthen your essay by actually writing about some of your related experiences. -AAO
I do not think it is advisable to dedicate your entire essay to the fact that you are a "Oklahoma City Thunder" fan. They want a full 360 view of who you are. From my understanding from speaking with Stanford admissions officers, this essay is really used to help match you with a roomate. Because of this, you really need to give a full overview of the THINGS that really make you - well - YOU. -AAO
This is a great essay, it really is. But I have read it at least 100,000 times. Many schools ask this very same question, "Who influences you the most?" Guess what the number one response is? - by a landslide- "My Mother." I always tell my clients, the key to getting into competitive programs(Which NYU is), is to be different, be unique. NYU receives thousands of applications each year, I believe that it is the most applied to private university. Because of this fact, you really need to make your application stand out. Yes, this question is asking you about the person that influences you the most, but there's a hidden text in there that says "think bravely." It will be a given for most applicants that their parents help shape who they are, but think outside the box for a stronger impact on the admissions committee. -AAO
Hope this helps
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