Undergraduate / 'I want to be a role model' - Rutgers College Admin Essay [2]

Hello! I think you have some good ideas here, but don't restate the question in the words the prompt uses in your first sentence. I think you need to add a good amount of information as to how you can contribute to this environment. What's unique about you? What cultural factors or experiences can you bring that no other freshman will bring? That's what they want to get to know about you, and that's what you can use this essay to show them. The more specifics you can offer about the kind of role model you want to be, in college and beyond, the better off you'll be. I hope that helps!

Graduate / IN PURSUIT OF ENDLESS KNOWLEDGE - opportunity to obtain a scholarship for MS program [2]

First of all, I would recommend re-reading for grammatical issues! One that I see is that you've used the word "carrier" rather than "career." I also think your conclusion needs some additional work. You say you have a strong conviction that challenges are to be met by creativity, and it is thus that talent is nurtured, but I don't know what you mean when you say "this aspiration could be realized..." in the next sentence. Which aspiration you mean is unclear from the preceding sentence. There are a few issues of flow, like this, in various places, but I think it is most important to work on your conclusion, to leave your reader with a positive lasting impression both of you and of your writing skills. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Lao-Tzu and Machiavelli - The Perfect Leader [2]

I think you're doing really well and have some good ideas. I would stay away from injecting your own opinions into this form of academic writing--for example, when you call Lao-Tzu's ideas "understandable and reasonable" that takes away your academic objectivity. Better to let the reader decide for him or herself, and just confine yourself to drawing the contrast the assignment asks for. I hope that helps, good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Bangladesh and the beauty of our solar system' - Common app essay [3]

I like this, and I think it's a great beginning to an essay, but you need to tell the reader more about you! What else has inspired you, once you got to the US? How will you take your inspiration further with you into college? Remember, the reader of this essay wants to get to know you, so try to convey your passion and interest in the things you are curious about or want to study or do with your life. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / 'years to build' - WILL I EVER TRUST AGAIN? [3]

I think this is well-written, but I question your decision to say it hurt more than anything else has ever hurt you, at the end! That kind of hyperbole makes you seem less knowledgeable and serious. Instead, perhaps say that it was an extremely hurtful experience. I also think your title is perhaps a little over-dramatic, unless it was the assigned title. Finally, I would recommend reading it over for grammatical mistakes, since there are a few small ones.

Writing Feedback / Dishonesty in relationship / Should you be always truthful? [3]

Hello. I think you have good ideas here, but your grammatical inconsistency makes it a bit hard to follow. I would decide what tense you want to be in (present or past) and also what person. Do you want to use "I", "you", or "one", or "he/she"? Pick one of these options and stick with it unless you're referring directly to yourself, so that your examples are easier to follow and more concrete. I hope that helps!

Undergraduate / 'out of ramblings' - Letter To Roomate supplement... w/ a wacky twist... [6]

Hello! I work as a college admissions consultant, and I have to say I LOVE this. It'll be way more interesting to read for the admissions officers than a lot of the ones they get, and your personality does shine through. I would get rid of the emoticons, though, for sure. Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Ashley - pain and misfortune' - is this a good essay for this topic [2]

I think this a really well-written and heart-warming essay, but you need to spend more time explaining the impact this has had on you and less on her situation. If it would be easier to use another person to connect more directly to you and who you are, I would recommend it. Remember, the people reading this want to get to know you! If you want to use this essay, I would recommend expanding the last paragraph and focusing it more on you. I hope that helps!

Scholarship / 'Pediatric neurosurgeon' - Scholarship ~ Describe your academic or career goals [3]

Hello! I think it definitely makes sense, and I applaud your dreams! However, I think in order to come off as mature enough for college, you need to acknowledge a bit more that these dreams will be hard to reach, rather than just saying you will make them a reality. I think you can get rid of some of the buildup in the beginning (before you tell us what your dreams are) in order to have space to do this. I hope this helps!

Undergraduate / 'specializing in different realms' -Stanford paper - Intellectual Vitality [2]

I love this, but I think it is really important to connect this to what you're going to do in college--Stanford has wonderful interdisciplinary programs, and you should make it clear that you know that and that's a big part of why you want to go there AND why you're a great fit for the school. You can tighten the story a bit so you have room for some of this. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Learners have different preference s ; Self assessment [2]

You have really good ideas here, but in many cases you don't have complete sentences. Sometimes, it's just a small difference in terms of tense or agreement. For example, in the first sentence, you want "different" ways, not "difference" ways. I would recommend reading each sentence out loud to yourself and making sure it has a subject and a verb, and sounds correct to you. I think you'll find several easy to fix mistakes that will make your writing easier to read. I hope that helps!

Essays / Technology and How It Affect my life; Discussion [2]

Think about the technology you use every day and pick one. Maybe Facebook or cell phones would be a good one to use. Decide whether your chosen technology is a good thing in your life, or a bad thing. And that's what goes in your thesis statement!

So it might look something like:

________ technology is very important in my life, and is definitely something that affects my life in a positive way.

I hope that helps!

Graduate / (business sense, role model, MBA degree) -Statement Of Goals [8]

An MBA degree can help develop your career in a lot of ways, depending on what career you are hoping for within the world of business. Think about what MBA program you're applying for, and what its specific strengths are. That might help you tailor your essay to the particular program you're applying to. Some general ways an MBA can help your career include helping you make networking connections, honing your communication skills, and making sure you understand leadership and how to manage people, as well as giving you experience in this field. I hope that helps!

Writing Feedback / "in text Referencing" - This essay is correted by my teacher [2]

I think your teacher is right that you should expand your conclusion somewhat. Think about expanding your idea. Perhaps you can give a quick nod to the other side of the argument, by saying something like "While some believe that mobile phones are a positive for teenagers for safety reasons, as well as others, the evidence shows that this is clearly not so."

In terms of finding more sources, I would recommend using Google Scholar, which can be found at scholar.google.com, and searching for a study or two on cell phones and teenagers, which could help you back up your points. Good luck!

Undergraduate / FSU - great model for universities all over the country; "Leadership" [2]

Hello! Remember, the point of this essay is for the admissions committee to get to know you, so I think I would focus more on how you'll take advantage of the leadership opportunities Florida State has to offer and why you, personally, want to become a great leader. Expand your lacrosse story, and don't be afraid to tell it in a creative way. Your appreciation of Florida State's emphasis on leadership is good, but you don't want to sound as if you're kissing up to the admissions committee, so focus more on yourself so they can get to know you. I hope that helps. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Since my early teens, I have had a fascination with understanding how certain things work - A&M [3]

Hello! I think you're on the right track, but you do need to cut a few words. I'd actually just scrap that first sentence entirely--you're right that it's generic, and it will be more interesting to read if you just jump right into your interest since your early teens. I think you don't need to cut more than that, though. Ten or fifteen words over is no problem. I hope that helps. Good luck!

Undergraduate / UCF-Unique Qualities Essay for my Application [2]

Hello! I think you have some great ideas here, but the college essay needs to be less formal! The admissions officers want to get to know you, and so I think you don't need a formal introduction and conclusion. Instead, use this space to tell a story or two to illustrate your characteristics. Can you combine two of the characteristics into one story? Remember, "show, don't tell"--this can be more like creative writing than you're currently making it, and that's how your application will really stand out. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Speeches, oh the dread of which you bring to me! [Significant Challenge - 200 words] [6]

Hi, Ellis! I love this--I think it is really gutsy, and will be impressive to your reader, to tell your story creatively in this way. However, I think you need to expand more on your thought process when you went from scared to confident. A couple more sentences there is really all this needs content-wise. In terms of cutting words, you can get rid of your eyes drifting across the audience, and you can tighten up the end to cut ten or twelve words, which should leave you enough for the sentence or two more that you need. I hope that helps!

Book Reports / King Lear - is there meaning or value in the deaths in King Lear? [7]

Morally, I think it isn't justified, but dramatically, it makes perfect sense--the true tragedy of the play is that Lear has truly lost everything, and that Cordelia--unlike her sisters--was innocent and loving, but does not deserve her death. I think Shakespeare's making a point about the futility of living a good life, and how tragedy can strike anywhere. So, Cordelia's death is kind of inevitable, since she's what makes Lear's story truly tragic. I hope that helps!

Undergraduate / 'doctor at evaluations, treatments and training' - Physical Therapy Application Essay [2]

I love the story at the beginning! It really provides a personal connection. However, I'm not sure about "ripe in my mind" as a phrase--it sounds odd to me, and a bit jarring. Overall, I think you spend a bit too much time discussing what a physical therapist has to do, and I would encourage you to continue to connect that to yourself, as you do in the first paragraph. Don't forget, the admissions committee wants to learn about you, so the more you can connect to yourself, the better off you'll be. Good luck!

Graduate / 'From veterinary to ambulance' - Physician Assistant Personal Statement [2]

Hello! I love this, and think it is extremely well-written. I do think it goes on a little long though, and would recommend tightening it up in part by using some less formal language. For example, "Following my freshman year of undergraduate studies" can just become "after my freshman year,". I think changes like that could probably cut 50-75 words off your essay, thus making it more likely that all of it will be read and appreciated by the admissions committee. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / How to use "Ratio", "Disproportion" and "volume" in the IELTS Task1 report??? [3]

Hello! You're definitely on the right track, and you can use volume to describe people--especially a large group. Your other sentences make sense, but you could also say that the four foods are consumed disproportionately," which might sound smoother. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Teacher vs parent role in children's intellectual and social development IELTS Task2 [2]

Hi, Iris! I think your conclusion is a good one, but I feel it is important to add to your argument by acknowledging that there are times when teachers spend more time with students than parents do, and might be even more responsible for teaching social skills than in normal circumstances. (This is especially true in low-income families where parents are working all the time and may or may not have the time or interest to teach their children.) Otherwise, I think you make very good points. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: World literacy rates by region and by gender; 'lower for men than women' [2]

Hello! This makes sense, but has a few grammatical errors. Lack of literacy skills IS found (currently you have "are"). Also, you want to say the three "remaining" areas, not remained, which is what you have now. Otherwise, it is quite clear.

Undergraduate / 'Virtual DJ Home' Rules that apply to the community Intro [2]

I like this a lot, and find it very evocative. However, I don't think "dutiful" is the best word to use, since it sometimes has negative connotations. Following the rules made you a better community member, but also a more productive one and probably led to a more enjoyable experience, as well, and that's probably something you want to bring up. You're glad to be a part of this community, and that should come across most of all. I'd love to see more about what the rules are! Good luck!

Undergraduate / Physical Therapy: teach others how to support themselves [3]

Hello! Since your profile mentions Queens, I would recommend using Google Maps to find physical therapy centers nearby. One might be Queens Physical Therapy.

Good luck! I hope you feel better.

Undergraduate / 'A Solo Performance' - Biggest Challenge faced and how did I tackle [3]

I love your use of great words, like "amalgamate." I think one thing you could do is explain the challenge part sooner in the second paragraph, so that it is clear that this was a struggle for you. Then, describe more about people's reaction when you delivered error-free code, just like the story you told at the beginning of the essay. Telling stories is a strength of yours, and you should do more of that! Good luck!

Research Papers / Research paper on the history of U.S. involvement of veterans and reemployment [2]

Here's some information on current veterans re-employment rights: dol.gov/dol/topic/termination/veterans.htm

I would also look up the Veterans Preference Act of 1944, which will cover what happened after World War II, and the Vietnam Era Veterans Readjustment Assistance Act, which is the Vietnam-era law that is equivalent. You can use the differences and similarities between the two to explain the history of this type of legislation. I hope that helps!

Undergraduate / Best For Me As A Lourdesian [2]

Hello! I think this is a great piece, but would be even more interesting to read if you use more sophisticated transitions. Right now, you state that you're going to write about experiences, and then do it. I think the essay would be stronger if you don't state what you're going to write about, but just jump right in. To transition from one experience to another, don't use a contraction ("Here's"), and try to make some connection between the two experiences. For example, "Another significant experience for me has come in my current, fourth year of high school." I would also recommend checking the mechanics, such as verb tense, on this essay--there are a couple of small mistakes. I love your conclusion and intro, however. Good luck!

Dissertations / (apparel sector) - topic for a dissertation on ergonomics? [2]

Hello!
One possibility would be to collect ergonomics guidelines in various areas of your retail sector, and see how they differ and are similar. There will be some basic similarities, but it would be interesting to do a survey of the current literature to find out whether or not there is any correlation between types of retail and the ergonomics guidelines. For example, are guidelines different for stores that cater to pregnant women and mothers of small children? Are they different for outdoors-apparel type stores? Trying to find any kind of correlation between the demographic of a store and the ergonomics best practices would be a great avenue for research. I hope this helps. Good luck!

Research Papers / Need to research evolution of govt, business, and familes from 1877 to 1945 [2]

Hi, Ty!
I think for the families topic, you should focus on how women's roles changed--by the end of World War II, they were not only working outside the home, but often in men's jobs, so the structure of the family had changed for good. Marriage: A History, by Stephanie Coontz, is a good book that talks about changing marriage and family structure at the time. Class made a big difference too, because during that time the middle class basically emerged in the United States: suddenly, people who were workers were no longer farming/working just to survive. They had disposable income, and spent it on what might previously have been considered luxury goods or experiences. This speaks to the change in the dynamics of business for sure, and in these leisure activities, especially in cities, men and women interacted more freely than previously...leading to change in the dynamics of marriage and family, too! Your local or university library will probably have a lot of social history that you can use, and there's even a scientific journal called "The History of the Family" that they might be able to help you access.

Hope this helps, good luck!

Scholarship / 'I've been fairly good at Math' - the subjects in wich you have excelled [2]

Hi, Maria!
I think this is very good at expressing what it needs to, and shows that you're a good writer as well as a stellar mathematician! However, make sure you spell check--I spotted a couple of small errors in spelling and grammar, such as "I grasped math easier" when "more easily" would be the correct construction. With a quick spelling and grammar check, though, I think this little mini-essay does everything it needs to do. I might add one sentence about how much you enjoy math, since many people reading the essay want to hear that you love the things you're good at not just for the sake of their career, but also because you love to learn. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Conversation b/w a Jesuit and f. scott fitzgerald on humanity -Purdue Undergrad Essay [3]

Hello! I LOVE this. I think you've done a great job with the prompt and your use of adjectives like "pensive" shows what a strong writer you are. I think the only thing you could do to improve this is to make a point of saying how Purdue as an institution can give you the education to help make the better world you mention in the last sentence. That kind of addition would make the essay even better as a piece of your application--it's already a great essay. I think with one or two more sentences that relate Purdue and your possible experiences there to your content that you've already written, you'll be in great shape. Good luck in your admissions process!

Undergraduate / 'strive for the best and never give up' - FSU admission [4]

Hello! I think you have wonderful ideas here, but your writing mechanics are standing in the way just a little bit. For example, I'm not sure what you mean by "accurate" leadership or "majority everything". I think you should really read through your essay and make sure each sentence works on its own as a sentence, as well as adding to the content. Don't forget, you don't have to use big words--the right word is always better than a fancy word.

In terms of the content, I like it! You do a good job of explaining why Florida State University is a good fit for you, which is the most important part of a college essay. However, sentences like "Approximately about 10% of the class of 2012 desires to make an alteration in the world since everyone is deplorable on behalf of an adjustment to transpire." don't make sense, and that takes away from your content. Make sure each sentence makes sense on its own, and your essay will improve the mechanics to match the ideas you have. Good luck in your admissions process!

Graduate / Transition from Mechanical to CS - my masters SOP [4]

Hello! I think this personal statement has a nice balance of your past experiences and makes it clear what has led you to career in computer science. The part that isn't clear to me after reading it is why you think you need a masters degree, and I think a sentence or two about how a MA or MS degree can help you reach certain goals or do certain things is necessary. It could go in the last paragraph. One other thing I think you need is to punch up the final sentence--remember, this is the last chance you have to make an impression on the reader, so using a great word or writing a more interesting sentence might be a goal to strive for. In general, you seem like a great candidate for a masters degree and I think this statement is on the right track!

Writing Feedback / o levels: narrative a story in which an interview is important [2]

I think this is definitely a strong narrative and will fulfill the prompt of a narrative essay. I think the ending could be stronger, with some sort of sentence to sum up what the story means to you or how it effected you. Also, you should read through for grammatical errors, especially comma mistakes and apostrophes, since I spotted several of those kinds of errors. In terms of the content, I think it is great! You could dress it up a little by adding some great adjectives and more specific verbs, like replacing the word "bad" in "bad thoughts and feelings" with a more evocative word. In general, though, I think you're definitely on the right track and this is a good narrative. Good luck!

Undergraduate / College Essay about my time spent volunteering in Ghana [2]

Wow, you have a wonderful writer's voice, Roxanne! I think this is really good. I went ahead and made some cuts--see what you think of this version!

"I love my life," Eunice sang as we made our way down to the well. Struggling to balance the small container of water I had, I watched as she effortlessly mounted the largest water bucket atop her bare head and let her hands float down by her waist. She giggled each time I spilled. By the time we arrived back at the village my bucket was half empty and sweat was dripping down my face. She offered me a helping hand in setting the water down. "Med'ase", "thank you, Eunice", I said. I did not realize until later that she would be the strongest woman I have ever met, even if she is only fourteen.

Embarking on my journey to find what true happiness is and how to cultivate it, I volunteered at an orphanage in Akuapem Hills, Ghana this summer. Having grown up in a world where success is measured by financial reward and the goal of immediate gratification, I wanted to prove that satisfaction does indeed come from within. It was in the small village of Kwamoso that I began to discover the path to long-term happiness.

Arriving in Ghana I was bombarded with hugs and the open arms of Ghanaian children. One of the girls, Eunice, took my hand immediately and led me throughout the village. Unaware of her actions, she began to uncover the bittersweet life of Kwamoso's people. Tangled up in the pattering of heels on the red soil, I watched as they swayed rhythmically to the sound of Eunice's voice singing a church tune they had heard on the "Jesus channel" in Twi. It was easy to get lost in the beauty of the moment, forcing myself to forget about the neglected wounds on each child's body, growing severely infected with each day because treatment was too far and too expensive.

Without running water or electricity, keeping myself clean was a rarity. Who needs a bucket shower anyway when standing next to a half naked barefooted seven year old that smells of urine and stale yams? Eunice called me over to play on the field that she made earlier that morning with the machete. I knew that she saw the volunteers drooling over the fresh fruit but would never admit that she was working on an empty stomach due to food shortages. I held out a jolly rancher in my hand. Seeing the corners of her mouth curl, showing her glowing white teeth against beautiful deep chocolate skin as she picked up the candy was empowering...a smile I will never forget.

If the children of Kwamoso can be happy living without the basic necessities of life, than anyone can. This enlightening start of my voyage to find unmitigated joy took on a new meaning for me and I came home with a new appreciation for my family, and the emotional relationships I have created throughout my lifetime. I went into Ghana economically secure but emotionally deprived, coming from a community so focused on obtaining more and more. Stepping on the plane heading back to New York, I could feel a transformation had taken place. I was one step closer to what Eunice had showed me, that happiness is not found in the external world of material objects. It is when we take a journey inside ourselves that we can begin to appreciate the nakedness of our existence, the one true gift that we were given: life

Undergraduate / Tutorial Classes in Hong Kong - UTA admission issue of importance [2]

Hello! I think this essay is fine, although there are a few grammar mistakes and things you could clean up that have to do with English phrasing, like "meanwhile" instead of "also" in the second to last sentence. Your way isn't wrong, it's just not standard English usage. However, that's really ok, especially for an international student.

However, the biggest issue I see with this essay is that it doesn't do a great job of explaining why the issue is important to you. I think you should spend a little less time and space describing the tutorials and tutorial centers, and a little more explaining how this relates to your life and your desire to study at UTA. I think you're a strong writer, and you have some really great ideas here, so you definitely have an opportunity to explain exactly why you need a place like UTA for your education, but focus more on that. I know the prompt asks about an issue, but remember, your essay is how they get to know you, so don't be afraid to relate it directly to yourself and what you want from your education. Good luck!

Scholarship / refugee resettlement - how to start my scholarship essay? [6]

Hello! Scholarship essays can really be about yourself and your interests. If you're interested in refugee resettlement, you should discuss how that relates to your life and career goals. A great way to start is with a vignette or small story or descriptive paragraph, so you're showing your reader something rather than telling them. If you have personal experience with the concept, that is a great thing to start with, or perhaps you could flash forward to the future and have a paragraph where you're visualizing yourself in your future career! That would help the scholarship committee really see what you plan to do with your life and why you need the scholarship and the higher degree. I hope this helps!

Writing Feedback / 'The perceived greatness of any political leader' - GRE Essay [3]

I teach for a test prep company, so I see a lot of these sorts of essays. The best thing you can do in an Issue essay is to give specific examples. You have great ideas, but specific examples will make your points even stronger. I think your essay is really well organized, though, which is one of the things they're looking for. Try doing one in thirty minutes, instead of forty-five. I bet you can do it because you're definitely on the right track here. Your use of language is also strong, so I think the major thing to improve is really specific examples. One, or at most, two is all you need. I would say this essay is probably at the mid-range level now (7 or 8 out of 12) but with strong and specific example or examples added, could be a really high scoring essay. Good luck on the GRE!