Writing Feedback / 'it is the right thing to do' - Page 218 Autobiographical Essay [5]

Well, I would not call it a discrepancy... but the reason I mentioned it is that what it made me think of was that you are judging the convicts. I know what you mean, about having needed to write something , though.

:)

I only told you my thoughts so that you would know what impression it made. I'm glad the guard thinks nothing separates us from them... that means he treats them with respect. For your essay, maybe you can fix it with a single sentence-- if you even think it needs to be fixed. You can fix it by adding another thought -- that circumstances sometimes hit people the wrong way, and that the inmates still have lots of potential.

Good luck!!

Research Papers / Research paper on drug testing for athletes [6]

Unfortunately, some of the most harmful drugs, like meth and cocaine, are out of the person's body within a day or two, so they do not show up on the drug tests.

However, the tests prevent the use of performance enhancing drugs, which keeps competition fair.

uch has been written about this, and the best thing to do is google the words:

college athlete "drug testing" controversy

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / "Saih maht geanguh"- historical influence. [7]

As far as I can tell, you answered the question perfectly.

About the topic, I'm sorry I didn't see it the first time!! My eyes passed right over it, oblivious. :)

I did look over the whole thing, but I can't spend too much time with each essay, because there are a lot of members to help! Some members are giving some feedback to other members by using the "unanswered" function to find people who need help, and then they ask for some help in return. Just link other members to your essay.

I found another sentence to improve:

This highly influences the way I think now. It reminds me that good is always present in some form or another, forms: the overcoming of culture barriers, the realization of right from wrong, or the converting of yew guays to Buddhism.

Essays / Help with thesis statement on video game addictions [3]

The rapidly increasing popularity of video games suggests that it may be appropriate to think of gaming in terms of "addiction."

Undergraduate / Rhode Island short essay- significant Person [4]

The hope of a better future for me strengthens her soul and lifts her up when she is weak and lonely. My mother did not throw away her accomplishments and wealth when she brought me to this country; she traded them for a much more valuable quality -- love. Love bonds are the world's best anti-depressants . Love is the motivation that keeps us charged. It is better than any thing in the world.

I begin to truly appreciate our single celled space we called home. That night, I lied closer to my mother.

I fixed the stuff above... also, I think you should be careful to be consistent with your verb tense... sometimes you switch from present tense to past tense and back again.

I don't know what part you should delete -- it is all SO good! I wish you didn't have to delete any.

Undergraduate / Playing the Piano - short answer [2]

Write so that the words sound like notes.. sometimes with a slow rhythm, sometimes staccato, and drum away at the readers mind.

Time spent at the piano is like a meditation now. My mind is calmed and stimulated whenever I return to that familiar place and posture, that focused state -- and a feeling of satisfaction...

Undergraduate / 'A new look on life / Competing with others' - Umich essay --setback [5]

Jen, that is GREAT advice. Thanks for helping.

Stephanie, here is something to do.

In the 11th grade, I bought a (what kind of suit?) suit of my own, but students have few chances to wear suits, except for some special occasions -- like the Model United Nations (MUN). I wasn't chosen to become a member of MUN in Tenth Grade, which really depressed me. "Is it because I always feel nervous in front of so many people? Is it because the speech for my try-out is not impressive?" I kept asking myself. Maybe I am not a born diplomat, but I don't give up easily, and persistence is my attitude towards life. With this belief, I tried again in Eleventh Grade and ended up in joining MUN successfully.

Also:

I felt that I was a different person after changing into suit, a person who represented a country (Spain) and spoke for the country.

Undergraduate / "Personal or academic interests." Univ. of Ill essay. [2]

Airplanes represents a kind of magic for little children, but as they grow up, children tend to shift their interests . When I was growing up, I have never lost my interest in airplanes. I was so fascinated about airplanes that I drew airplanes everyday, and I received an artistic award in first grade. I am still a big fan of flight simulator games and I have been playing that game as long as I could remember.

One day I was doing a career search and it gave me a list of majors according to my interests. Suddenly, two words came off the page: Aerospace Engineering. I clicked on it and read about it.

Sometimes it's good to go back and take out words that are unnecessary. Extra words weaken the writing. I made these corrections above, good luck as an aerospace engineer!!!!

Undergraduate / "Choose one activity." Univ. of Ill essay [3]

I started this volunteer service because my cousin was urging me to do so. At first, I was lazy and hated going to the volunteer service, but after few months, I started to like it; I was suddenly experiencing the sense of purpose that comes from helping the sick.

I took out this part: it was not because I got free milk shakes and dinner, .

You write without many errors. Good essay. Now, as you succeed in college, you suddenly become a leader at a hospital instead of just a teenage volunteer. Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / University of Washington - Choose one of the following two topics and write a short essay. [2]

I know what you mean... sometimes you write something and you know it just is not inspired. However, some parts of this seem to be inspired.

When peers come together in collaboration, communication can be powerful. It is no surprise that when three hundred girls gather to participate in a government simulation, their political ideals would come together as they interact in enthusiastic ways.

Ideas were coaxed from even the shyest attendees, and discussion was praised.

My time at Evergreen Girls State thus strengthened my political views and provided insight to the constructiveness of cultural difference. This experience has empowered me to confidently express my ideas in collaboration with others.

Writing Feedback / Poltical Science, Multiple Questions Essay on Political Issues [2]

Oh, you have to think of the words as if you have only so many to use! Try to say something in a single sentence instead of several. Guide the reader with a cool rhythm.

Hey, I have just been trying to edit this so that it is more concise, more succinct, but actually your writing is quite efficient. Everybody needs to write more succinctly. it is good advice, but you already write very well.

Here is one improvement, though:

Take out, "In my opinion," and start with:
I do not believe an "enforcement only" approach will stem illegal immigration. The notion of an "enforcement only" policy neglects to consider the fact that there are already countless illegal immigrants -- somewhere around 10 millions to 12 millions, or more.

Undergraduate / Bhangra, Indian folk dance Common - App. Short answer question -edit/trim [6]

Bhangra, a high-energy Indian folk dance, is a growing phenomenon in North America. Two summers ago, my Bhangra troop was invited to participate in a dance competition, and I was entrusted with the responsibility of choreographing our number. I took on the challenge of planning the dance steps and arranging them into an expressive and meaningful performance. To coordinate a group of eight individuals was not as easy as I had hoped it would be. Countless hours passed in arguments and no two people seemed to agree on anything...

After two months of hard work and heartaches, the dance became a joy, and we were awarded first place at the competition...

Choreographing Bhangra dances tested my limits of creativity, rhythm, leadership, and motivation. I learned how to cope with pressure, remain focused, promote synergy within a team of individuals.

Writing Feedback / Have there been any bumps in the road in your life. [4]

Siobban may not always have known what to do, but she always attempted things, and that created our unique relationship.

Over six years, our bond grew so strong that people automatically thought of me when they saw her, and visa versa.

Ironically, if I had not lost her, I might not have become the appreciative and helpful person that I am.

Usually it is best not to use contractions in formal writing, but instead to write out the two words separately.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Senior Prefect and House Vice-captain; SMU essay- need help in editing it. [3]

Looking back,over the last eighteen years of my life,...

Each time I pass through the gates of school or see a glimpse of the school crest,...

Eight strenuous hours, 11,960 feet above sea level... with trembling knees and an unquenchable thirst, I made my trek to Sandakphu, the highest point in West Bengal, with its breathtaking view.

It was during this trek, that I learned the true meaning of the word "endurance".

This is what I learned while interacting with the "differently abled" children of a rehabilitation center , ...

I have met some of my greatest achievements.

Seeing the innocent smiles and laughter gleaming through...

:)
Kevin

Writing Feedback / Narrative Ethnographic Essay - Needs help [2]

In 1995, a Minister, along with his wife and five children, emigrated from Guatemala City, Guatemala.

Her youngest son, Luis, age 23, would be our translator.

...the same as I would in any other home.

During this time, as Mrs. Moran moved around the kitchen opening and closing doors and drawers. It was then I saw the traditional foods and products that I had expected.

For her first and only child born in the United States she received more clothes than she felt needed or even necessary for her five children all together.

The stroller she never used.In Guatemala she always carried her babies, never pushed them around in a cart.

...whereas in Guatemala, more concern is paid toward enjoying the pregnancy and caring for the mother.

Here in America with her youngest, Karen, she has found this to be very different. Prior to kindergarten Karen spoke only Spanish in the home, watched very little TV and asked for very little.

...and visiting a friend's house.

As parents, their hope was to provide the five older children an opportunity for a better education.

:)
Kevin

Undergraduate / The most important activity of your life that teels something about you. [7]

I was praying to God for the best, as I did not want to be embarrassed on that big platform.

After just a few minutes, my turn came. All those stage lights were blinding my eyes, and the cameras in front of my face looked like monsters to me. As I began to sing, I suddenly forgot about the anxiety I had been experiencing. I faced my greatest fear that day in front of that big camera and all those people standing around me. Everyone clapped until I left the stage.

I still remember one of my audience members comments, which has influenced my life.

This comment and great compliment, has influenced me greatly, and has made me much more confident in my work.

My favorite activity besides school is singing.

A winner needs a strong will to succeed, and and confidence in his abilities. I have obtained these qualities, which have made me a winner.

Every time I sing, I feel the excitement of a child on the first day
of school.

I want to continue my singing, as I have always considered it a great teacher.

Music has shaped and matured me.

I thought your ending was great. Interesting subject, good luck!

:)
Kevin

Undergraduate / "Hoang the Headless Chicken" - Common App Personal Essay [7]

We called Hoang the Headless Chicken. He was a tiny boy with piggy eyes, thick blackish lips, a potato-shaped head that was disproportionately big compared to the rest of his body. He had a pale countenance from which it was impossible to tell when he was happy or sad. And yes, he was socially inept.

For this paragraph below, maybe you do not need to keep starting with the word "but." However, it is up to you. If you want you ccan just take out the word but, and it will be more powerful--

But I know this must get done ultimately. That afternoon in front of Minh, I was a coward, and it's a shame that today I still lack the courage to say it, to stand for what I believe in. But now I look and realize that we're in our senior year, and there's not much time left. Six months from Graduation Day, I promise to myself that I shall no longer allow that to continue - to let a friend come and pass by as though he's never been a part of our community, so that 12A1 would live up to the inclusive and accepting reputation that we've been proud of.

Good luck!!

Kevin

Research Papers / Catch-22 Major Research Paper; "Generals Die in Bed" [7]

Well, I can correct the use of commas when using quotations. Revise this way:

Occasionally, some define faith as, "believing something in spite of the facts."

And...

This influences many foundational questions of life such as, "who are we, where did we come from, why are we here, and where are we going" (Doy Moyer). Faith in Catch-22 is rather complex with all of the different characters. Yossarian's belief in God is quite strange and confusing. For example, when the Chaplain asks him, "I thought you didn't believe...

Writing Feedback / toefl: overemphasizing on personal lives of famous people by media [6]

As a student majoring in mass media, I think that it is true that modern media is overemphasizing the personal lives of famous people.

The audience may see a lot of photos and reports tell a questionable story. Moreover, it is unfair that the ridiculous coverage may be a vexation for the famous people who are scrutinized.

Furthermore, sensationalism distracts the viewers from public or social problems. The media face the challenge that media executives must choose the content, which can attract the audience.

Thus, these personal reports of famous people, with unimportant information and distorted stories, will not solve society's problems. In other words, yellow journalism blocks the viewers from significant news, such as education, environment and public issues.

Based on the above discussion, I agree with that paying too much attention to the personal lives of famous people may be a serious problem.

Undergraduate / Bhangra, Indian folk dance Common - App. Short answer question -edit/trim [6]

Hi, this is the TOS item that the other moderator was talking about:

12. Due to high volume of essay revision requests, the moderators can only provide ONE revision of your essay. However, you can post subsequent drafts for peer-editing.

We just do the best we can, depending on how many members post essays on any given day. Feel free to post your essay, and please click on "unanswered" to give some other people feedback. This site is getting so popular that we need everyone to help by giving other members feedback.

thanks!!!

:)

Writing Feedback / Feedback sought on an Economic Development Essay [3]

This is excellent! Who could find fault with this? You say exactly what you are going to do, here:

This essay aims to demonstrate the role of devolution plays in contributing to the evolution of regional disparities.

The prompt asks for an example...and I think you go above and beyond the requirements:

In order to be more justified, case studies from both developed and developing countries will be selected. It will illustrate two ways in which devolution may foster regional inequalities, with the first half concentrating on the link between fiscal decentralization and regional disparities, and second half highlighting the link between efficiency and regional disparities.

Your content is excellent, and all I could possibly help with is the details like this:
Moreover, in response to the arguments that devolution will enhance the, "combination of greater political participation, transparency and accountability," resulting in, "economically advantageous institutions such as trust" (Putman 1993, cited in Pose & Bwire, 2004). Prud'homme (1994) argues that devolution will lead to worse career opportunities and salaries, while Thiessen (2003) indicates that local government will be more easily swayed by locally powerful entities after devolution, in other word, there will be more possibility of the corruption.

I'm impressed with the essay, and if you don't get an A I'll be surprised!!

Undergraduate / "Hoang the Headless Chicken" - Common App Personal Essay [7]

Well, unlike some student essays, this really is interesting and a good read. I really like the content, and the only thing to do is make it more efficient -- saying the same things in fewer words... but the presentation is great already!

Undergraduate / "a camper" - common app essay. really horrible 1st draft. [4]

Well, if you read about the school to which you are applying, and think of its special qualities in relation to your own special past, including this story about camp... it will be like a chemical reaction. Not only will you discover what to write but you will have a vision of the diversity you will contribute. Do you have any plans for activities that you will pursue through the college?

How about writing about your personal philosophy of life as it developed due to your past (which you just described), and how you will apply it at the college...

Undergraduate / "Vacation in China" - NYU Supplemental Essays [9]

Usually it is best not to use contractions in formal writing, but instead to write out the two words separately.

Verb tense: My venture started in GuangZhou, where I payed a visit to one of the most prominent universities in China, Sun Yat-sen University of Liberal Education .

There are many reasons that account for this daring choice and I would like to explain why.

This perfectly fits my ideal of diversity, (my goal of learning). I like to learn through many ways and in many fields, taking as much knowledge as I can bear, and put it into practice at the same time.

I never knew what a family trait was like until I actually have one; every time my friends tell me about how they look like their parents, I get frustrated because of my lack of family-resemblance.

Ever since I was born, the relatives were surprised that I didn't look like either of my parents; although they didn't really care about it, I was very disappointed.

For a long time, I tried to find the connection between me and them, but with no success.

Writing Feedback / Essay about selecting the course. [6]

However, this claim overlooks the potential advantages of students' own selected course, such as increasing students' motivation and their skill development.

In addition, students invest their time more on perfecting their talents and skills .

You didn't finish this sentence: If they are given the right to choose the course,

If students are given more control over tailoring their curriculum according to their own ideas, so many positive effects will be aroused.

NOT TOO MUCH room for improvement!!! :)

Undergraduate / an enemy who was a positive influence on me.. application [6]

I found it ironic that the someone who had once made me feel a sense of misery actually became one of the important people in my life.

I do not consider her fake anymore, but someone who is honest and real.

I agree with hasnaahmed: you can give a sentence or two to tell more about how she affected you.

Good luck!!! :)

Research Papers / How to start researching a topic? [5]

Oh, this is tough if you have not read about the different kinds of electoral systems. In the U.S. we have a mixed system, with both majority representation (president) and proportional representation (congress). Now, systems differ fro one country to the next... you might want to compare the U.S. system to that of New Zealand or some other democracy...

Try googling "electoral reform"

Essays / I have an essay question (character and citizenship trait) [3]

Mavictoria, citizenship traits include patriotism, participation in the political process, community leadership, and so forth.

Annie, here is some help:

There are some interesting aspects of Emily Carr's life. One interesting point is that she liked to raise nature animals such as raccoons, squirrels, parrots and canaries and brought them home. Another is that she was the first female to ride a horse astride in Victoria, because women were more"ladylike" sidesaddle position in nineteen century. A third interesting point is that she tore up the garden fence to build her easels. Right now, the easel plus her paintings were collected by Group of Seven. These unique facts make her life an interesting study.

Undergraduate / Essay about life - Pose a question and answer it. [8]

I used to wonder about the questions that made me think about worldly life and the spiritual life.

The base building of life is like the present moment. The present moment is the most valuable and important time for everyone's life.

Ohhhh... the nice thing about your essay is that the paragraphs are written as separate thoughts, so you can try putting them in a different order. I almost started to do it for you, but there are a few different ways you could rearrange them to make it more clear. I understand what you mean about it being all over the place... now it is time to move the paragraphs around and find the sequence you like best.

Undergraduate / Essay about life - Pose a question and answer it. [8]

Also, I think the closing paragraph is really great.

Just be clear by writing "the present," or "the present moment," rather than simply "present."

One more way to improve it is to add one sentence to the opening paragraph and the closing paragraph: this sentence should tell how Nazrul and Tolstoy are relevant to the essay's theme.

Undergraduate / It is now 2013. How has the Macaulay Honors College changed you? (300/less) [6]

On graduation day , I was again dreaming about building a house of my own.

I cannot wait to get my Master's Degree and get the first job as an architect.

Take out this sentence: I could reach my way but Macaulay has made my way easier.

The big change that Macaulay has made in my life is that I have learned to distinguish myself even when people try to fit me into a stereotype.

Take out this sentence: It is now 2013 and I am graduating from college.

Macaulay has been my vehicle on this path. My journey in this vehicle has made a big impact on my life. I can proudly say now that, "I know who I am and how I am."

Undergraduate / The importance of the attachment in infancy - Short question... [6]

"Let's put our minds together and see what life we can make for our children."

This essay will consider influences that family and environment may cause in children's growth, and I will discuss...

Over time I have been able to observe and learn the phases of children's development.

I remember when the mother of an infant said to me, "I'm jealous of you because you are the one who is really following my daughter's growth... her first smile, her first crawl, her first words, and her first steps. You are the witness of my daughter's development as a human being."

Great essay! I am jealous of your awesome job. I'm glad I was able to find a few improvements to make (above). Good luck!!!!!!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Final Admissions Essay (Emory University) [7]

We would drink coke until the sun set on the horizon, and we would continue to tell each other our personal adventures until our mother hushed us to bed.

Whether you are poor or rich, Emory provides true cultural diversity and allows for the freedom to study in any particular area of interest.

Who is to say that one day Emory and I will not be true soul brothers?

Good luck!!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / "Let us improve life through science and art," - FSU Admissions essay, help [6]

n the English language this translates to, "Let us improve life through science and art," a great idea that our world has been living through for years.

In grade school we learned of art as something that consisted of crayons and a long piece of construction paper, perhaps with a picture of your house and the sun -- but now we look at art as any creation.

Clients were moved by the fact that a twelve-year-old child was able to safely repair their computers and get them up and running.

From then on I knew this was the field I would love to excel in, the art of the computer and everything that there is to know about it.

How did this happen?

Our economy is based on an idealistic "I want" attitude where not a single person is willing to give in order to receive, and that is why we are in such a struggle.

I really liked the line that says, "Microsoft has a new competitor..." That was strong.
Good luck!

:)

Writing Feedback / Essay about Zambia - feedback on information, flow, and format appreciated! [5]

Open with the name of that organization:

Horses and Nearly Dead Zebras (HANDZ), a local non-profit in Oregon working with Zambians, has this as its mission statement: "Helping to provide equal educational opportunities and to encourage sustainable development to communities living in poverty in Zambia."

The educational system in Zambia has many inadequacies, although many outside sources are helping to improve opportunities for education for which so many Zambians yearn.

Zambia is one of the countries most severely affected by HIV/AIDS.

Much of the growing population of eleven million people continues to survive on less than on dollar a day in both urban and rural areas.

Though matters are improving, it will be a long time before the nation... it looks like you cut off the ending?

Great essay, few mistakes!!!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / "the school choir" - Elaborate on One of Your ExtraCurricular Activities [6]

He lifted up his hands with a dexterity only a few people could have had, and then, motioning to the groups on his left and right , he looked directly at those in front of him and then gave us all the signal to start singing.

We had met every morning from Monday to Friday and then practiced for about an hour before going to our classes for lessons.

Usually it is best not to use contractions in formal writing, but instead to write out the two words separately. Nice job, though!!

Essays / Advice on improving expression, sentence structure and flow of an essay. [3]

Hi!

Do you have an essay for us to look at? If so, post it and I will have a look! Otherwise, go out and find Stephen King's book called On Writing, and it will do amazing things for your writing. For the conventions of style and grammar, look at Strunk and White's The Elements of Style.

I look forward to helping with your essays!!!

Undergraduate / The clique short answer [7]

We meet once a week to practice our purpose, and, thanks to my near veteran status, I preside over the meetings as the leader. I belong to my temple's Thai dance team; after each Thai lesson at Wat Buddhavas Sunday school I would proceed to practicing Thai Classical dance as well . Years of practices and performances later, our dance team was recognized and invited to dance for the Queen of Thailand's birthday, an extravagant annual affair broadcast on TV. Fame or no fame, Thai dancing remains the most meaningful activity to me; the members and I have formed a sisterhood. From them I learned the importance of friendship, team-work and the real meaning of leadership .

Essays / Can someone help revise and detail my outline on the Julio-Claudian Dynasty [3]

I. Definition of a dynasty/Thesis statement
Make a meaningful, interesting thesis statement that says something thoughtful about the dynasties...
II. Who the Julio-Claudian dynasty consisted of/What is was

III. Augustus-
A Life
B.Accomplishments
IV. Tiberius-
A Life
B.Accomplishments
V. Caligula-
A Life
B.Accomplishments
VI. Claudius-
A Life
B.Accomplishments
VII. Nero-
A Life
B.Accomplishments
VIII. Their Collective Effects on Rome
IX. Conclusion
A. Repeat the thoughtful thesis statement, and conclude...

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Why people visit museums? History/ Broaden Perspectives/ Place of Attraction [3]

As a lover of travel and art, I always enjoy visits to excellent museum when taking a tour of a new place. This essay explains the reasons for the fulfillment that comes from visiting museums.

If you take out the words "primary" and "secondary," the essay will pack a harder punch...

A visit to a museum makes it easy to learn the history of the new place.

Visiting a well-known museum also can broaden our horizons. The diverse range of outstanding exhibits, with classic and magnificent art, is guaranteed to inspire us!