Research Papers / What to include? Need help writing my Pro-Death Penalty 6 Page Research paper. [7]


You can add the issue of "religion" to this part as a subsection. Capital punishment is a part of Islamic rules and in many Islamic countries, such as Iran, and Saudi Arabia, it is executed.

I read an article, entitled "Attempting Suicide by Homicide", which showed how capital punishment is transformed into a tool for committing suicide. This article is really interesting and I think it would help you.

Just one more thing, you can write about the victims' family and their attitudes toward this type of punishment.

Undergraduate / Describing my passion for art - SAIC statement of purpose [2]

Hi Sarah, I read your work and I would like to give you some suggestions to improve it. I think your SOP, as a work of an artist, should be more emotional. Start the introduction with this fact that you are interested in painting. You can write about one of your interesting experiences through which you found your interest in this field. Why do you like it. Connect painting to your feelings, as a human. You should emotionally portray those feelings.


You should highlight your abilities. Why do you think you are a qualified applicant? You should write about your capabilities in the way to set you apart form other candidates. For example, you can write that your painting style is different from others. Write about your educational and professional backgrounds. You should also write about your communication skills.


yes, this is a good idea.

Finally, you should write why you are applying for this program and why you chose this university/college/institute for pursuing your interest at.

Hope this helps
Kind regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / "Ms Tutu! Ms. Tutu, I need help!" ; EXTRACURRICULAR / Tutoring [5]

"Ms Tutu! Ms. Tutu, I need help!" "Me too! I need help too!" "No I need help more!" These sincere callsdialogs for help are nothing new to me. Many days of the week I find myself surrounded by eager young faces seeking help for everything, from their ABC's to their algebra homework, from their bible verses to their coloring pages. Tutoring is one of my favorite things to do out of school. There is a lot of pressure on me to do well in school(I think this sentence is not necessary. what do you think?) and because there is always someone around to help me out, I like to give back to my community and help other students.

Suggestion: You said that you could learn many things by helping other students. If I were you, I would narrate one of my experience like a story, and through the story I would mention what lessens I could learn. In this way, you can make the essay more tangible and interesting. Anyway, this is just my opinion.

Research Papers / SOS (research on the absolut politic globalization) [3]

I think this idea is not possible in practice. It is hard to imagine a world with one government, one single policy. According to this idea all countries change into one unified country. This is too ideal, I think. First of all, who would hold the power in his hands? every country wants to be the most powerful one in comparison with other nations and countries. In the other hand, how would countries share their resources (eg. energy resources)? Besides, people all around the world have different thoughts and religions, and I think this is a very important obstacle in the way of providing a unified global country.

Writing Feedback / Annual spending by a British school in 1981 - ielts task1 [11]

The three pie charts indicate the figure of annual spendingexpenditure ofby ancertainundetermined British school in 1981, 1991 and 2001 respectively.(add a general trend at the end of the introduction)

As is the case with teachers` salaries occupied the largest percentage (how much??)inover three3 years, while the least amount of budget was allocated tocostin insurance produced the smallest . However, the proportion of insurance spending was increasingly high.(this sentence is not clear. In addition, you should use numbers.)

In 1981, the school spent 40% of the budget cost on teachers` salaries, followed by other workers` salaries (28%). In terms of resources and furniture and equipment, both of them cost the same, with 15%. Spending inon insurance only made up 2%.

After a decade, the costs of teachers` salaries and resources increased by 10% and 5%, respectively, while there were decreasesabout xx% reduction in those of other workers` salaries and furniture and equipment was observed in 1991. .

ComparedComparing to the obtained data inthose of 1991, the spending of salaries and resources dropped by the range of 5% to 10% in 2001. . By contrast, costs in other two aspects, insurance and furniture and equipment, raised dramatically, constituting 8% and 23% respectively.

well, I have some suggestions that may help you in the IELTS writing task 1. Try to use the structure of "adv. + v". For example "dramatically/drastically increased/decreased", "slightly/gradually rose". Use a wide range of vocabulary. You can find many appropriate words for describing a chart in academic writing books OR IELTS books. Furthermore, use numbers in various ways. For this purpose, you can use non-defining clauses, use parentheses, OR mention them directly. Finally, as I stated above, you should write a general trend at the end of the introduction. Write the general trend through one sentence and briefly state it.

Hope this helps
Have fun
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'Corrupt-free governments and stable economy' - IELTS preparation [4]


Open the introduction with a motivator. Then reword the topic, and write your opinion if the topic is an "agree or disagree" one. In addition, you can use "he" for everyone or people in general, whether male or female.



What is the topic? Is that about the role of education in countries' development? If yes, you should just focus on this topic. You do not need to talk about other factors influencing nations' development. I think you should pay more attention to the structure and organization of an essay. I wrote a template for writing an essay :

1. Agree or Disagree topic:
1.1 introduction : Motivator+Thesis statement + Your opinion + Blueprint
1.2. Body: Write at least two paragraphs, through which you should convince the reader why you are in agreement/disagreement with the topic. Each paragraph has three main parts : Topic sentence+Supporting sentence (example, personal experience, quotation, statistics, etc) +concluding sentence (Optional)

1.3 Conclusion: Reword thesis statement+clincher (ending statement)

2. Other topic (advantage/disadvantage- cause and effects- etc.
2.1. Introduction :Motivator+Thesis statement +blueprint
2.2 Body: you should organize it based on the topic. if it is advantages/disadvantages you should write one paragraph about positive aspects of the topic and one paragraph about its disadvantages. If it is problem/solution you can write one paragraph about problems and one paragraph about solution.

2.3. Conclusion: Restate the thesis statement+ Your opinion (You can write your opinion as the last paragraph of the body)+ Clincher

Hope you find the comments helpful
Good luck
Ahmad

Undergraduate / Basketball Common App Essay - leave comments or grammar edits [3]

I just glanced over the essay. In my opinion it is a good work. It would be helpful, If other people take a look at your essay . And I found just a minor grammar error :)))

Undergraduate / Basketball Common App Essay - leave comments or grammar edits [3]

Holding the ball in my hands, sweat pouring offrolling down my forehead into my eyes,

This essay is pretty good. The fluency of the essay, vocabulary and grammar are great. I do not know what the prompt asked you to writ about, but I think you should focus more on your experience in the new team. How could you prove your capabilities? Write more about obstacles and hard situations you had to encounter in the path of success. And I think you should highlight the lessons your leaned from the experience. I know you wrote about these lessons at the end of the essay, but one line is not enough to show how wonderful the experience was.

Hope this helps
Have fun
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'From Qatar and an independent school for girls' - about yourself [4]


I know, but you can lie. Is this essay required as a part of your application to a university/institute or scholarship program?? If yes, you really need to revise it

Writing Feedback / 'From Qatar and an independent school for girls' - about yourself [4]

Hi Dana,


Introduction should be more attractive than what you wrote. The best way for making the introduction more interesting is to start it like a story. Imagine you are narrating the story of your life. Through the story introduce yourself and talk about your goals. Introduction is the first and most important part of an essay and it should be more catchy if you want to impress the reader.

About the "Background" part. Do not list the events. You mentioned your experiences and your activities one after another, without using any transition. As I said, try to narratively state the events and connect them to each other. In this way, you can make the essay more fluent and attractive for the reader.


Why do you like political issues? How could you find your interest in this field? Do you think you are talented in this field? If YES,why? These are the questions you should answer in this part of the essay.

If you agree with what I suggested, rewrite the essay and put it here again.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'Independent, Artistic, Curious' - 3 WORDS TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF ESSAY [5]

For the past sixteen years , the question regarding who I really am, has never been answered exactly. Apparently , 3three words will never be sufficient to depict a person. But then again, if you, John Bapst and I are going to have this 2two -year relationship with each other, I'd like to sell myself a little.

Independent
We were in debt. When I was only an innocent little3three -year-old (write the numbers under 10 in words)little girl, our family faced a severe financial problem. So my parents had to moveimmigrate to South Africa with the hope of finding new opportunitiesto find another opportunity . Since then, I have lived with my grandparents and gradually grown into an independent and mature girl of independence and mature . I learned to cook at the age of 10, I went to school alone by bus, on foot even (You can talk about more difficult situations that you could overcome. For example talk about the moments you missed your parents OR talk about the obstacles you had to overcome alone) . And when my little sister was born, my parents brought her back to Vietnam and ever since, my main job at home was to take care of her.

Writing Feedback / 'museum can attract visitors' - [ielts] topic with museum [8]

what has been written in the weblog is not a good structure for writing a goodintroduction (it is not wrong, but it is not the best). I think this weblog is trying to show an easier way for writing an introduction. This method is suitable for people who are not good enough in writing (I know that you are not one of them). But remember that all essays should be opened with a motivator (an attractive statement that gives some general information about the topic). Then, reword the topic (this is what is called "thesis statement"). And finally, "your opinion" that I explained about it through the previous posts.

Undergraduate / "yes, ma'am" / "physics magazine" - MIT answers- pleasure and challenge [3]

I have some suggestions that you will find them below:


I think this sentence is not essential. You can delete it to decrease the number of words.


you wrote this fact at the beginning of the essay. So, do you think it is necessary to state it again?


You can make this paragraph a little shorter. For this purpose, I chopped off the sentence "playing handball in recess and nibbling beef jerky for lunch".

Hope this helps
Have fun
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'museum can attract visitors' - [ielts] topic with museum [8]


I replaced your opinion with some questions, because you should answer these questions first, and then give your opinion. As I said before, if the topic were an "agree or disagree" one, you should write your opinion in the introduction, but in this essay you should write your opinion in a separate paragraph in the body (after writing about two different views stated in the topic), or state your opinion in the conclusion. This structure is recommended by many examiners and academic writing books.


NO, this essay is not an "agree or disagree" one. In this type of topic you should write one paragraph about first view (those who think that the purpose of museums is to entertain) and one paragraph about the second view (museums are built for education). You can write your opinion in the third paragraph of the body and mention which side of the discussion is in agreement with your opinion, or you can give your opinion in the conclusion.

I will read the rest of the essay once I find free time.

Writing Feedback / 'Harmful effects' - IELTS Essay about the influence of advertisement [3]

If you think the advantages are more than the disadvantages, you should first write the disadvantages in the body and then write the advantages.

Writing Feedback / 'Good atmosphere' - What change to hometown more appealing to people your age? [4]


The introduction should be started with an attractive statement. If I were you, I would open the introduction with changes occurred in people's life style through 50 years ago. In this way I could show what the people in my age really need. OR you could start the essay with an introduction about your hometown. You could describe it and show what things are available in your hometown and what things are not.

Writing Feedback / 'museum can attract visitors' - [ielts] topic with museum [8]

open the introduction with a motivator and give some general information about the topic (general background), then write the thesis statement. In addtition, you should mention your opinion in the conclusion in this type of topic. If the topic were an "agree or disagree" type, you should state your opinion at the end of the introduction.

Essays / technology and internet ; Need ideas and model essay [2]


In order to give you some ideas I need to know the topic. Would you please write the topic here?

Undergraduate / 'orphanage for HIV positive children' - Extracurricular short essay for Common App [3]

I think it would be better to allocate the last two sentences to the things you could learn through this experience. How could it change your behavior? I mean, you should highlight the positive aspects of the experience

Writing Feedback / The power of advertising and ads in the commerce essay [4]

It would be better to took one position (agree or disagree) and then support your opinion through at least two paragraphs. When you take one position you can focus on one aspect of the topic and it makes the essay more fluent and it becomes easier to write for you, as a writer. Moreover, as I suggested you before, try to use more tangible examples for supporting topic sentences.

Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / [graph] Percentage of students giving good ratings - IELTS review [3]

Writing a conclusion in the IELTS writing task one is optional, but I recommend you to write a conclusion at the end of the essay because it shows where the essay ends and it also reveals that what is the main outcome of the data. Note: if you want to write a conclusion, it should be based on the comparisons you made in the body.

Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Fast food brings us more avails than drawbacks (IELTS task 2) [11]

Work on grammar and vocabulary. If this is an "agree or disagree" essay, you should take one position, either agree or disagree. In this way you can convince the reader to accept your opinion more easily.

Writing Feedback / Higher education of advanced learning and teaching - better jobs for graduates? [3]

I have some suggestions on your second essay. Hope you find them helpful.
No doubt, humans beings that are known as social animals, usually seek help from others' help . This assistance can be in various forms; however, financial aid can be critical sometimes specially from friends. I do affirm that money can be a troublesome factor in friendship. (the thesis statement you wrote is not clear enough. I think you should rewrite it. In addition it would be better to write the reasons why you took this position. As I said before, these reasons are an outline for the body and this what is called "blueprint".

Friendship is a unique relationship between people , though not developed through blood but is the fundamental to bring people closerto each other . Nevertheless, to trust an ally to lend a big amount of money is not as easy as to break nut. Although, friends keep a good bond with each other, yet money cannot be the basis. under question (why dose it happen? Support what you claim. Elaborate on this paragraph to clearly convey your idea) .

Today... (I think you should work on the supporting sentences. You should clearly describe whatever you say in a paragraph. You can use examples, quotations, statistics, personal experience, etc as supporting sentences. The use of examples and personal experiences are the easiest ways for supporting the topic sentence) .

Your grammar and vocabulary are good, but you should use more convincing supporting sentences in the body

Letters / Recommendation letters -Master Program in Geology @ UTromso Norway [3]

I put my comments on the first letter in the following link :"essayforum.com/resumes-letters-19/please-check-recommendation-letter-thanks-very-much-help-43522/".


are you married? If NO, you cannot use "Mrs".


do not use contractions

Letters / 'Zheng's diligence, creativity and brilliant skills' - my Recommendation letter [3]


Do not use "&".


repetition. Use synonym

Hope this helps
Kind regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / George Washington Honors College Essay/7-year BA MD program. [2]

If you wrote the prompt we could comment on your work more easily. By the way, I have some suggestions that I hope you find them helpful.


I think it is more interesting if you open the introduction with a personal experience through which you could find your interest in "physics". I mean you should talk more about your interests in the introduction rather than the university. It would be better to write about the positive aspects of the university at the final paragraph.


How could these experiences help you to achieve those mentioned positive things? Write more about your experiences and the things you had to do through those volunteer works. In this way you can clearly convey your idea.


how could you learn that? it is not clear enough. Elaborate on this part if it is possible.


repetition. Use another statement.

U wrote about the positive influences that your experiences may bring to the society, but you did not apparently mention what these experiences are. Write more about them and convince the reader that these experiences are really helplful for the university you are applying to.

Undergraduate / "Learning from others"-Rutgers admissions essay [6]


do not use contractions



write the numbers over ten in digits.



it would be better to write your capabilities and your interests in a separate paragraph. Use your personal experiences to support what you claim. In addition, I think you should write more about this fact that why you are match for the university that you want to apply to. Highlight those abilities that you think can help you to become a successful person at that university you are applying to.

Hope this helps
Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Bad sides in public hospitals and the gap between the rich and the poor [4]

I think you should write more about the problem stated in the prompt. Reword the topic as a thesis statement to show the essay is mainly revolving around what issue. In addition, the topic asked you to express your view. I think if you add your idea and the issues that you want to describe in the body, would help you to make your essay more fluent.


I think it would be better to move this part to the introduction as it is the thesis statement and it is what the prompt asked you to write about.

Hope you find the comments helpful
Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Fast food brings us more avails than drawbacks (IELTS task 2) [11]


I think it would be better to say why you took this position at the end of the introduction. In fact, when you write the reasons, you can point out that what issues are going to be discussed in the body. For example you could write :"I believe that overall its benefits outweigh the drawbacks because of time saving and economic issues" This is called "blueprint" that makes your essay more fluent.


you can use the word "convenience food" to avoid repeating the word "fast food"

Hope this helps
Kind regards
Ahmad

Letters / A coverletter requesting a PhD scholarship, for review [3]

Letters / A letter for Scholarship :P (help me to get it ^^) [4]


I think it would be better to mention the highlights of your achievements. Just state the most important ones.


anyway, what you wrote could not clearly convey this idea. Rewrite it and then put it here again.

Letters / A letter for Scholarship :P (help me to get it ^^) [4]

You did not talk about your abilities in the letter. This letter shows who you are. So, use this opportunity to perfectly introduce yourself. Mention your special abilities to set yourself a part from other applicants.

Hope the comments help
Good luck
Ahmad

Undergraduate / Help me!! Short essay for Common app [5]

I have never written a short essay like this before, but I think it would be better to state why this experience is important for you, as well as what things you could learn through the experience.

overall, it is a good work
Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Stress is the body's reaction to a change [3]


To elaborate on the second paragraph you can write how each of the things, stated in the paragraph, can affect the level of stress. Google it and you can find loads of information about that.

Regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / (Trojan, Poetry, Identity, Ambicious, God-mother, Energy) - 2012 NCSSM [10]


You stated several issues to explain your character, but there is no support for each one. You can add some of your personal experiences to show who you are and make each point of your personality more apparent.


I think this is not a good clincher. You can reword what you mentioned throughout the paragraph. For example :"shortly, I find myself as a xx, xx, and xx person.


what are these dreams? I think it would be better to mention some of them to show how ambitious you are.


write the numbers under 10 in words.





Hope this helps
Kind regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'avoid prolonged exposure to the Sun' - My essay for term's examination [5]


I am so happy that you liked my corrections. This is my yahoo ID. stigmatata, let me know when you post an essay here.

Writing Feedback / 'avoid prolonged exposure to the Sun' - My essay for term's examination [5]


If I were you, I would not use the expression "this article". You can write :" An article about xxx was published in the Health and Wellness Section of the Chicago Sun Times on 3rd March 2001, in which it was revealed that ..."



this is an uncountable noun and you cannot use it in plural form.






support what you claim. You talked about weather, but you did not explain why it influences the spread of the flu.


u used past tens here while at the beginning of the third paragraph you used present tens "the conclusion asserts..". Use the same tens throughout the essay.






this sentence is not necessary because you wrote it previously.

Scholarship / I opted my career as an electrical engineer. Personal Statement for Review [3]

Open the introduction with an attractive statement. For example you can write one of your experiences through which you found that you are interested in Electrical Engineering.

I do not know what the prompt asked you, but as far as I know in a personal statement you should write about your educational and professional backgrounds first and then write why you choose that particular university, organization or institute to apply for. Mention what may set you apart from other applicants and write about your exceptional abilities such as your ability in research, communication skills, team work spirit, your ability to accomplish and manage a project, etc.

Google "write a good personal statement" to find loads of information about it.

Hope you find the comments helpful
Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS: I believe that poorer countries require rich ones support to develop their countries [3]


I do not know what books are you studying now, but for improving your writing you should write as many topics as possible beside reading various texts with different subjects. Reading and writing are linked. The book entitled "Focus on Vocabulary" contains very useful words and passages that can help you to ameliorate your reading and writing skills. Try to buy all IELTS books and do all the tests in the books ("IELTS practice test plus 1 to 3", "IELTS trainer", "Practice and preparation for IELTS:Reading and Writing", "IELTS Cambridge 3 to 8" {volum 1 and 2 are too old} , "IELTS crack: Listening").

This forum is also very useful to find your mistakes in writing. It is my pleasure to help you and I will review your future works :))))

Best
Ahmad

Undergraduate / 'nothing is guaranteed' - Villanova Supplement [3]


If I were you, I would not write this statement at the beginning of the essay. I recommend you to write a narrative essay. Start the essay like a story. Introduce your grandmother first and make it clear why she was a role model for you. Talk about your relationship with her. Try to portray all positive aspects of your grandmother's behavior to make the reader like your grandmother too. Then talk about her death as a very sad event in your life. Finally, through a conclusion mention that nothing is permanent in this transient world and "I learned that nothing is guaranteed and you can lose anything unexpectedly" .

Hope this helps
Regards
Ahmad