Letters / 'well-organized and reliable officer' - A letter to recommend my friend for study [3]

To: Whom it May Concern:(write this in capital letters. "TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN")
Subject: Recommend Mr. Thongphet Synamvong as a candidate for your program.

U can start the letter with this expression :"I am very pleased to recommend Mr. xxxxx for yyyy (if you want to recommend him for studying in a university u can replace "yyyy" with "admission to your university program")

Mr. Thongphet used to work for me as an officer from 2007 to 2010 when I was head of Research and Strategic Planning Centre at Banque Pour Le Commerce Exterieur Lao Public (BCEL) (it would be better to mention your status in BCEL at the beginning and, then state this fact that you hired Mr. xx as an officer during the years of 2007 to 2010) .

I therefore highly recommend Mr. Thongphet as a candidate for your program(you can replace this sentence with this one :"I wholeheartedly recommend him and wish him the very best in all future endeavors.") .

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS: A complaining letter to the bank ('ordered a new cheque book') [3]

Hi,
for improving the introduction, I think you can introduce yourself at the beginning, and write about this fact that your are a "client" of the bank. Then write about the problem.


Do not use this. U should not mention your request with a harsh tone.


U used this sentence in the previous paragraph. Avoid any repetition. .

has honesty and good/strong reputation.

I would be appreciated/grateful if you help me with regard to this problem. I was wandering if you would call/contact me as soon as you canlike you to look after my problem and call me in person when you resolve my problem.

U should mention that u are writing for a manager. U did not show that u wrote the letter for a manager.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / More and more young people are turning to drugs. reasons and solutions [10]


before writing a paper/essay or in general a text, you should highlight the key words of the topi that u want to write about. In this way, you can limit the ideas in your mind. I think, the most important think for writing a short "introduction" or "conclusion" is that to improve the ability of "brainstorming". In addition, I recommend you to read the book entitled "focus on vocabulary". This book is is a vocabulary book, but it also consists of interesting, useful texts which can show how to begin an introduction in an attractie way, and how write a summary.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'UK student income during ten-year period' - IELTS table [5]

Hi,
U should write at least 150 words in the IELTS writing task one. Your essay consists of only 132 words.

The table shows the trend which took place in student income(the table gives information about students' source of income, but you pointed out another thing!!!. concentrate on the topic and the data) during ten-year period from 1988 to 1998 in United Kingdom (in the introduction you should mention the general trend. . (in the introduction you did not state the age of students. You should add it. )

U can write the intorduction in this way. :"The table provides data regarding to the percentage of income that below 26-year students could obtain from four different resources in the UK during 1988 to1998. In general, as time passed, "Student loan" could change into the most important earning source for students over the studied years. )

Although the data of student loan was not available in 1988/99, it dramatically increased from 8% in 1992/93 to 24% in 1998/99.The percentage of earnings also sharply rose from 6% in 1988/89 and reached a peak at 14% in 1995/96, after that slight fell slightly by 2% in 1998/99 ( i could not find this falling in the table ???) .

On the other hand, there was a steadilysteady (adj. + noun) decrease in parental contribution from 32% in 1988/89 to 16% in 1998/99Use different ways for expressing the data. For example:"...in paternal contribution which was 32% and 16% in the years of 1988 and 1999, respectively", or you can write :" about 18% reduction in Parental contribution occurred through 1988 to 1999") .At the same time, the grant went down by 24% from 38% in 1988/89 to 14% in 1998/99.(as I told you above, u should use different ways for reporting results.)

(How about other sources???U did not cover all results provided in the table. U should compare the data and different resources. Without comparing u cannot get a good mark. )

Overall, the income per student rose gradually from 4,395% pounds in 1988/89 to 5,575% pounds in 1998/99 and the students became more independent at the period.

Writing Feedback / Essay on iImportance of electricity in people's daily routine [8]


It would be better to start the introduction with a motivator. The use of "first" at the beginning is not appropriate.

a lot ofnumerous of equipmentshashave been invented, including computers, subways, bulbs,etc ...(After "etc u should not write "...". in addition, you should not use "..." in writing.

Electricity is thea crucial factor in operatingfor working an extensive range ofmost devices ----> Suggestion :"Many devices need the energy of electricity to work."


Why??? Before stating that, I think you should mention that Electricity is known as a clean source of energy. Then you can talk about its positive effects on environment.

in the summer and winter air conditioning systems are used to providemodify the codition of air inside the building, offices, houses, and the like.us with cool air and we turn on the heating system to keep the room warm in winter.

[At the end of each paragraph write a conclusion (reword the topic sentence)].

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'UK student income during ten-year period' - IELTS table [5]

You're very welcome. You recommend you to rewrite this work and put it here again. By the way, pleas feel free call me Ahmad :)

Writing Feedback / Essay on iImportance of electricity in people's daily routine [8]


I though this is the first paragraph. I am sorry for the misunderstanding. I though this sentence "Electricity is important to life. A vast number of ..." was the topic :DDD. Please accept my apologies. It was a funny mistake :))))))

Any way I have some suggestions with respect to the introduction:

Electricity is important to life(the motivator should be more interesting.) . A vast number of machines which are invented nowadaysover the contemporary century/era cannot be operated without it. As a matter of fact, electricity is mostly/commonly used mostly in four main areas: industry, public health, media and transportation.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Essay on iImportance of electricity in people's daily routine [8]


The use of "first", "second", sounds cliche, even though many teachers recommend such words. In fact, these words are recommended because students can use them easily. But, I think, each paragraph should start with an attractive topic sentence. Much similar to an introduction, the first sentence of a paragraph in the body should be interesting and it should consist of a general idea and a main idea. For writing a topic sentence u do not need to write "to begin with", "first", etc. For example :"The energy of electricity is known as the driving force of an extensive range of industries.". U can use this topic sentence for the first paragraph of the body. The general idea of this topic sentence is "The energy of electricity" and the main idea is "industries".

Indeed, different people have different writing styles and what I said was just a suggestion.

Hope this answers the question

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'UK student income during ten-year period' - IELTS table [5]


The first "you" in this sentence was a typo error :DD. I am sorry :)). I wanted to write :"I recommend .."

Grammar, Usage / Help with Comma Usage and ING verbs [4]

Hi,
The sentences need no comma. In fact, the statement "limiting her ability to get a full night's sleep" is a part of the sentence and it is not an additional information. A comma should be used when some additional information is added to a sentence. For more information about this question you should study the concepts of "defining clause" and "non-defining clause".

Regards
Ahmad

Graduate / Masters in molecular biology and biotechnology (career goals essay start?) [3]

Hi,
A "SOP" should consists of your education and professional backgrounds. You should also write about the university that u want to apply for, and the research area that you are going to work on. You should write why u chose this university and how you became familiar with this place. There are lots of websites that u can get great hints for writing a good SOP, just google the expression "statement of purpose".

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay,"Teachers should take courses or training to upgrade" [4]

and teachers are the most important person(u should use a plural word here)

...after parents to makeshape the kids' thoughts, attitudes toward various facets of life, and their capability in different subjectscareer


How and in which way one generation is superior to another one. U should explain it for connecting it to the next sentence that u want to talk about teachers training.

U used the word "upgrade" for several times. try to use another word.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / "The function of university" ielts writing [6]


This introduction is too short and gives no information about the main idea of the essay and what you want to discuss in the body. The structure of an introduction should be like what I wrote below:

1) Motivator or General background: Write an attractive sentence at the beginning, which can be a "question", "quotation", "story", "attractive statistic", etc.

2) Reword the topic: In this part you should restate the main idea of the topic (For example: two opposite views)
3) Give your opinion
4) Blueprint: The reasons of your viewpoint and what you want to argue in the body

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS：Modern community life [7]

In the contemporary society..


U stated this in the first sentence. Do not repeat your ideas.

community activity is playsing a less important role in citizens' social liveslife these days compared with thatin the distant past


It would be better to move these questions to the last part of the introduction because you want to answer these questions in the body. If you ask such questions as the last part of the introduction, and answer them in the body, the coherency of the essay will improve. In fact, in this way u can connect the introduction to boy.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Alternative forms of transport and international laws on controlling automobiles are necessary [4]


I had a typo error in this sentence. "Automobiles are known..."

Writing Feedback / LIFE IN A BIG CITY (disadvantages) [8]

Modern cities such as New York, London, Mexico,etc are optimal places

However, life in an advanced society is not that easy as some people expect("think" is a better word in this context)

.In reality, it has some certain disadvantages, including the people(what do you mean? the word "people" is not clear)) , transportation and accomm odation.

One problems that urban residents daily encounter daily

Because thounsands of people rely on it to reach their destinations such as schools, universities, shopping centers and offices everyday, it can have an significant effect on their lifelives

At the end of each paragraph write a conclusion (reword the topic sentence) for providing a summery of the paragraph.

Another disadvantage exists in a big citiy is the indifferent attitude of its inhabitants ----> Suggestion :"Pluralism can be considered as another negative factor in overpopulated, big cities. In a large city at which various cultures shape the society, some social problems may be created."


it would be better to give an example here and compare the price of housing in a big and small city.


How it may impact the standard of life. Try to support what you mention in the body. In addition, as I told you above, each paragraph needs a conclusion.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / "The function of university" ielts writing [6]

Yes, you are right and it is possible to consider the topic as an "agree or disagree" one, but a candidate should be more cautious in this kind of topic. I suggest the following organization:

1) Introduction
2) Discuss the first viewpoint
3) discuss the second viewpoint
4) compare the the views and give your opinion. In this way u can say you prefer which one and why.
5) conclusion

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS：Modern community life [7]

1. Is it necessary to use firstly, secondly instead of first, second?
The use of "firstly" in academic writing is better than "first" because it is more formal. However, there are several opinions about the words "first" and "firstly". some believe that "first" is more suitable because the usage of "ly" is not necessary. Some others think that "firstly" is correct, and a group of linguistics believe that both are true.

2. Although non-optimistic the situation current is, plenty of improvement is being made at the moment.
Microsoft word always reported an grammar error at comma, but I didn't quite get it.
In many cases the MS word makes mistake. I think you need a comma in this sentence because of the word "Although". The use of this word means that you are going to write a sentence with two parts, at which one part is in contrast to another one. Therefore, you should use a comma between these two parts to separate them.

3. The solution of the problem was given in last paragraph, should I also mention it in second paragraph where I analyzed the issue cause ?
I think if you write the causes of a problem and its solutions separately, the essay would be more fluent and the organization would be more appropriate. If you discuss causes and solutions together, the paragraph will become too long and may make it confusing.

Writing Feedback / 'The exploration and development of safe alternative to fossile fuels' -My IELTS [10]


Indeed, the use of "arise" in this context is better. Thank you so much for your suggestion.

Dissertations / need a guide on writing theses proposal on informal sector [4]

Hi,
For writing a proposal I suggest you to write it according to API standards. I wrote the outline which is based on this standard below:

1. Introduction :Give a general background about the research.
2. Review of the Literature: Write the recent related researches and mention their results briefly (state the references)
3. Statement of the problem: Write about the problem or the aim of the research.
3.1 Research questions: Write some questions that you want to answer them through your research.
4. Methodology: Write about gathering information and the ways that you are going to do the research with.
4.1 Data analysis: Write about the special tests, software, questionnaires, etc.
5. Significance of the Study: Write about the main goal of the study and mention why it is important. In addition, you should write about the novelty of the work

6. References (Sort them Alphabetically)

Hope this helps
Regards
Ahmad

Undergraduate / Introduction - ASP 100-GRND: Skills for Success [2]

Hi,
The introduction is good, but there are two points that I'd like to mention them : 1) do not write the years in words. When you write 2005, for instance, it will be easier for a reader to read it as compared to "two thousands and five". 2) Try to write about your professional experience in more detail and the things that you could learn from that experience. Talk more about your passion for studying. Why do you like to study and what thing encouraged you to continue the study in a university after working for several years (Elaborate this part. What you stated is too short)?

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Go out to work (both parents have to work nowadays) [17]


In a conclusion, before stating your opinion, you should reword the topic or the first paragraph.

This essay may get the band score of 6.5 because of the vocabulary used in it. "Lexical resource" is a very important criterion for getting a good score in the IELTS test. In this work u did not use enough strong words. In addition, try to use a wide range of grammatical structures if you want to get a band score over 7.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Go out to work (both parents have to work nowadays) [17]

Hi, Yes I took an IELTS test on 12th of May 2012. Why are you asking this???

Writing Feedback / Go out to work (both parents have to work nowadays) [17]

Yes, sure, I would be happy if I could do anything to help you. I've got 7.5.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-drug use in children (parents should be more attentive to their children) [2]

The structure of the body is not appropriate. The topic asked you to write about "causes", "effects", and "solutions". First of all, you did not say any thing about the "causes" except a short sentence in the introduction. Second of all, for writing the "effects" and "solutions" you have two ways :1) write an "effect" and suggest a "solution" in one paragraph, and repeat this structure for another paragraph in the body. 2) Write "effects" in one paragraph and allocate another paragraph to "solutions". Therefore, you can organize your essay as follows: [for writing the body you can choose (B-1) or (B-2)]

A) introduction
B) body
B-1) first paragraph (one cause and its effect; then suggest a solution)
second para. (second cause and its effect, and then give a solution)
B-2) first paragraph of the body (causes and their effects)
second para. (solutions)
C) conclusion

[This is not a good conclusion. You should reword the topic at first, then write a clincher (ending statement)] Analyzing the aforementioned information I want to recapitulate that parents should be more attentive to their children because the upbringing which is given in childhood can affect to their future life.

Writing Feedback / Go out to work (both parents have to work nowadays) [17]

You could see my profile to find out my nationality. I'm from Iran and, of course, I am not a native English speaker :)).

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People migrating to cities causing problems? [9]

Hi, the essay is really fluent, with good vocabulary and complex sentences. The organization of the essay is great, as well. I just have some suggestions that I hope be useful:


What types of difficulties. Are they social problems? I think it would be better to make this point clear.

that is why measures should be taken to make the countrysidesa more appealing places(you are not talking about a specific countryside. So, I think, you should use plural words) .

they will move out of the cities


A conclusion should consists of what you stated in the essay and gives a summary. It would be better to reword the topic at first. The essay is not about the problems which may be arisen from the migration, but it is about the causes of the migration, as you mentioned in the second paragraph, and the solutions for the reduction of that, as u stated in the third paragraph. Do not open a new discussion in the conclusion.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / 'Better future but lost family?' - advantages and disadvantages of studying aboard [4]

Hi, The essay looks good. I have some suggestions that u can find them below:


do not copy the topic


What is the difference between this sentence and the previous one. Do not repeat the ideas.


this sentence is too long. Therefore, I deleted some parts of it with intent to make it shorter.

In the same way, they will able to speak the language more confidently and fluently ---->This statement is not different from the previous sentence; Repetition!!!


dependable or undependable??


When you use "Finally" it means that this is the final paragraph. It would be better to say "the last/final positive aspect", for example.


Give an example to support what you claimed here. How do they learn to be independent of their parents? How does living abroad may influence the students' character?

to leave their families

Add a conclusion at the end of each paragraph in the body.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People migrating to cities causing problems? [9]

Yes, it looks fine. I have a suggestion. How about this one:

"In conclusion, the advantages of large cities could draw many rural people to the cities every years. Therefore, it is necessary to find the roots of such migrations and find some solutions. If authorities and governments do nothing about this problem, the countrysides and rural places will change into the areas free of inhabitants."

Writing Feedback / IELTS: People migrating to cities causing problems? [9]


Thank you very much for the correction :))

Writing Feedback / IELTS GT -- should governments be responsible to help the unemployed and homeless [4]

Hi,
The essay has some issues; 1) you did not write about homeless people and you just focused on employment. 2) the supporting sentences were not good enough to make the discussion clear. 3) The words that you used were not strong enough and you should have used better vocabulary.

Therefore, I think it is unlikely that the essay get the band score of 7 :(((. By the way, everything depends on the examiner who review your work, he/she may like your essay. Do not think about the score, just wait and enjoy your free time now:))).

Writing Feedback / 'unnecessory and unethical' - DEATH PENALTY ESSENTAL OR NOT? [7]


The answer is NO. A complex sentence should have a strong structure, but it shouldn't be too long. If a sentence be too long, it may become hard for a reader to understand it.

Writing Feedback / Essay: Poverty problem may invite various detrimental effects [7]

Hi,
I think the score of this essay would be less than 6.5 because of the following reasons: 1) Grammar: the essay consists of many grammatical errors. 2) Vocabulary: U did not use strong words. 3) Complex sentences: U tried to use complex sentences, but u did not use suitable structures for them and in most of the cases they were hard to understand; 4) Organization: U did not show the essay is going to discuss what issues. In addition, U did not open the paragraphs with apparent and attractive statements.

Writing Feedback / Essay: Poverty problem may invite various detrimental effects [7]


I am not an examiner and I can not score your work. Do not think about the score, just work on vocabulary and grammar and I think if you improve them u can get a good mark

Writing Feedback / Some items such as clothes or furniture can be made by hand or by machine? [3]

Hi,
The essay contains only 237 words, while u should write at least 250 words. This is the main problem of the essay.

The Industrial Revolution marked a major turning point in history. Since then manufacture has played an important role and gradually replaced handicrafts because items made by machines have lower price and more sustained high quality than hand made one(u can talk about this in the body) . Hence in my opinion manufactured products is a better choice in comparison with the same things which are hand made by hand .

Being manufactured, goods have very competitive price because machines can produce fast and continuously which can save time and labour("workforce" is a better word in this context) . Take Chinese silk made by hand and silk sew by machine for example, Chinese silk have sky-high price. In the massive inflation nowadays where almost people have to budget carefully, items made by machine are more preferredpreferable than handicraft ones.

Another factor which makes manufactured products be a wise choice for consumers is their sustained high quality. These items are produced by those which based on the same technology, even the same machine; therefore, there is no difference in the products' quality. Whereas handmade ones, though having to meet a certain standard, are still influenced by many outside factors such as different makers' levels of skills or producing conditions (add a summary at the end of this paragraph) .

(Write a term like "in conclusion" to show this is the final paragraph. At the beginning reword the topic and then write rest of the conclusion) In view of what I mentioned above, I suggest that we should choose manufactured products because of the high inflation rate in the today's modern worldin the circumstance of inflation nowadays . However if you are thea person who are not influenced by varieties inofgoods' price or quality and are interested in handicraft items you should choose what you want.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing-international organisations should provide poor countries [6]


The introduction was great and I liked it. I think this sentence, that I quoted above, is also good for expressing your idea. I think it would be better to add the reasons why you think like that. Note: If you want to add the reasons, you should write them through several words and do not explain them. For instance you can add this sentence :"...because of poverty and education issues."

Hope this helps.

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / FAST FOOD has many good effects on population? [9]


Do not copy the topic

because of some harmful effects that fast foods may have on health fast food may have

However thethis ascending trend in the number of such restaurantsincrease has many good influences on population. In my opinion, I'm(do not use contractions) sided with these positive attitudes toward fast foods and fast food restaurants. (It would be better to add the reasons why u have a positive attitude toward fast food. Just write the reasons through several words)

One of the main benefits associated with the increase (in what?) is that people can save more money and time asthe more fast food restaurants are opened that is why more time and money people can save


U do not need to use the statement "What has been discussed above has my point of view that" in the conclusion. Firstly, you should reword the topic or the introduction and then write a clincher (ending statement).

Regards
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / GREW issue topic:law to protect remaining wilderness against economic gain [2]


I could not understand that which paragraph was the introduction, but I thought what I quoted above was the introduction. In the introduction you should state your opinion at the end of it because you are going to support your opinion (agree or disagree) in the body. Therefore, if you mention your opinion at the end of the introduction a better coherency may be provided between the introduction and the body.

Regards
Ahmad

Scholarship / Need your assistance - (reasons for receiving the scholarship) [7]

Hi, you should write about your interests and your research area. Why you want to do a research through the offered post-doc position. U can also write about the university that you are going to apply for. How did u become familiar with this university? Why did u choose this university? Talk about the facilities and academic atmosphere of the university. U can also talk about your educational and professional experiences and connect them to the post-doc position.

Good luck
Ahmad

Writing Feedback / Essay about the benefits of online shopping over traditional off-line market [7]


The introduction still doesn't have a motivator. Try to revise the introduction. Each introduction should have the following structure :
A. Motivator/General background, B. Reword the topic; C. Give your opinion; D. Blueprint.


Do not use "as u can see". As an example u can write the following sentence as a conclusion at the end of the paragraph:" Therefore, on-line shopping gives an opportunity to a purchaser to find his/her favorite product among an extensive range of goods just in a short time as long as a minute"

For example, online shopping allows buyers who want to purchaseorderthe products which are rarenot available in their countries and thus they do not need toto order easily without goinggo abroad with intent to purchase such products . Furthermore, we can quickly seek out a product whatthat we want on the internet because of a few bargain websites like Ebay and numerous information-rich websites. Surely online shopping provides a wide selection of products(This closing statement doesn't give a summary of the paragraph. Try to point out the main idea of the paragraph. ) .

In conclusion, accessibility, price, and wide selection are three benefits of online shopping. [Yes u need a transitional term here) (transition "therefore" needed?) It is clear that everyone can use such advantages if the information of people about on-line shopping increases.online shopping can have some great benefits for everyone.(Try to end the conclusion with an ending statement called clincher, which can be a "question", "prediction", description", "quotation", etc)

Good luck
Ahmad