Essays / Argument Essay: Environmental Sustainability [5]

I would not write an argumentative essay about global warming being a "hoax." You would have to present incredible evidence to corroborate your assertion. Evidence that would best support a skeptical outlook would require analysis and interpretation. Therefore, you would have to familiarize yourself with the background, the theory, and the information avalanche regarding potential facts and evidences surrounding the whole issue. It's not worth it.

Writing Feedback / The two diagrams provide a breakdown of producing frozen fish pies [3]

The resolution is poor. It's hard to assess your writing in relation to the requirements vis a vis the diagram.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree that the internet is making it easier for people to communicate? [4]

This question must be answered in a direct way. The literal answer is yes. The figurative answer is no. The communication architecture involves personal, social, and business transference of information, but these spheres have not been impacted in the same way.

The nuance between transmitting information and conveying understanding flips the question into the philosophical realm, if need be.

There's a lot of angles to this question. Example: Yes, I can chat with my friend on instant messenger. No, I can't have a conversation with my son because he's online so much.

Apologies for lack of cohesion in this post.

Writing Feedback / Choice between competition and cooperation in the student's learning. [2]

Needs work. Grammar issues abound, but I'll suggest a more clear and coherent messaging.

#1 Students learn in the same classes, but the teacher must administer learning objectives and methods to meet expectations. Supervision of organizational approaches dictate the way of learning. Students can study by themselves or in collaboration. In the first scenario, students must ensure they are meeting goals through challenge and competitive pressure. In scenario two, students must work together to achieve an understanding of roles and they must learn to compromise.

Indeed, competition motivates people to achieve beyond their capacity due to external incentive. It incites application and problem solving to tasks which the student takes ownership of. Students retain more knowledge individually so the learning yield is higher.

Group interfacing presents opportunities to learn social skills and balance relative strength and weakness effectively. Collaboration involves hazards such as free-loading, disagreement, and disproportionate reliance on the planning of leaders, thereby neglecting other members.

Advantages of collaboration are many. Peace of mind knowing you have support and are not solely responsible; this enables effective coordination of disparate elements in conjunction with one another. But groupthink, complacency, and disputes can undermine the integrity of the task.

Writing Feedback / ADAPTING OTHER CULTURES IN THE FLAT WORLD TIME [5]

I like your essay's vision and message. The grammar errors are there, but it's more important to improve the message through logic.

First two paragraphs are solid. Third paragraph includes mention of a cultural value (respecting elders). The third paragraph should only list cultural-economic modes of exchange such as products or technologies that are culturally unique.

Last paragraph must rehash topics in paragraphs before it. The diction is not right:

Para 1: globalization and cultural proximity
Para 2: values conflict and compromise
Para 2: economic interfacing and trade

Concl: Broad reintro, rehash Para 1, Para 2, and Para 3 topic, Closing emphasis on cultural understanding with mutual benefit and harmony.

Undergraduate / "Stop crying," I begged silently; CENTRAL TO IDENTITY [2]

I'd tend not to get into a discussion about content on a sensitive topic. Usually, I would point out some issues you need to address, but forbearing an analysis of these issues makes sense because there are several outright errors.

1. Contractions: I discovered ... had not ... as I had thought. Without her education we would ...
2. Word confusion: Because...paycheck ; Asking...handouts ; From barely veiled comments...outright
3. Redundancy: My past experiences (occurs twice).
4. Bad/incorrect sentence structure: Being a budding teenager, her words?? (misplaced modifier: her words are not a budding teenager) did nothing for my self-esteem. I believe that not all bad things come to hurt us; sometimes they come to help us grow, mature, and become better versions of ourselves (inconsistent list).

5. Miscellaneous: Seeing her triumph against all odds showed me I cancould succeed in any field... These visits were a source of torment for my sister and Ime (oxforddictionaries.com/us/words/i-or-me) . My mother always says, "they can..." Without her education, we would...Because ..., we had no choice ... apartment ; (a semicolon is not right here; find a suitable solution/substitution) at which point my father miraculously reappeared to take his share of the profits.

Essays / Antigone Essay about what we can learn from the play [2]

"What we can learn from the play" is the de facto prompt for feedback purposes. The persuasive essay is best in this scenario, because one is seeking to make specific assertions based on discursive interpretations about certain, select events that are taken from the play. In other words, what we can learn from the play is ultimately reducible to a set of assertions. A well conceived response would consider the play in its totality, then it would reflect upon how it relates to the present situation, finally it would cull those parallels which, by present norms, are deemed unconventional, counter-intuitive, or thematic. Then, one would choose lessons that would be well supported by an analysis of the parallels. Having identified appropriate lessons, one would tailor the content of the essay to provide sufficient appropriate evidence in the form of elucidatory examples that are both representative of the play in general and credible sources in support of the lessons.

Undergraduate / Texas A&M Transfer Essay Technology Management - SOP [2]

Absent a prompt, one cannot give effective feedback concerning how well your essay conforms to the applicable scope.

Graduate / Since my first economics lesson; Motivation Essay for MSc Econometrics [6]

From the first a-level economics lesson, I have experienced insatiable curiosity. I have gained an understanding of the theoretical foundations of economics and the numeric methods that support them. The dearth of economic methods covered by the syllabus surprised me during my thesis research. I concluded: Undergraduate Economics is the iceberg's tip!

Studying advanced econometrics and interacting with lecturers and peers, I aim to gain mastery in the field and to apply those insights once I start work. I am applying to this programme for its rigour. My motivation for postgraduate study is developing my analytical thinking skills, not simply padding my qualifications.

Enamored with its predictive power, I chose every econometrics module available on my course. Resultantly, I have gained experience using Stata and EViews, running regressions such as x, y, z, and (verb) ARMA models, on an array of data. I am fascinated by time-series analysis and, in addition to ARDL models used in my thesis, have self-taught models commonly used for volatility such as ARCH and GARCH; these will be useful for the Financial Econometrics course.

Upon completion of studies, I aspire to work as a quantitative analyst with a multinational corporation in Europe. The approach taken at the University of XXXXX related to the thesis is attractive, as it will enable me to engage with problems directly relevant to an organization's operations.

This course provides a chance to advance my education and my individual development. Learning in an international setting, amidst a diverse student body, will facilitate an exchange of views and ideas beneficial to all parties.

I strive to excel and the teaching approach at the University of XXXXX is conducive to this work ethic. If accepted, I will be an active member of the programme and add value through hard work and intellectual discernment.

This is 300 words. A few points:

1. Always try to include the prompt: It helps crystallize the scope to those giving feedback; the added context enables us to give responses that are relevant and reliable.

2. The passive voice requires more words than the active voice.
3. Delete obviously unnecessary words (e.g. "in size and sophistication").
4. Consider what ideas MUST be conveyed. Consider what points are needed to support those ideas. (Consider your audience and how it constrains your diction.) Consider what words are INDISPENABLE to express those points.

Essays / Need some input on what to write about for personal experience essay. [5]

As Pahan mentioned, you have the burden of proving this issue is of national significance through relevant data. Other topics are more easily perceived as being regionally, nationally, or internationally important (e.g. political, economic, legal, etc.).

Essays / A good introduction to an essay about myself? [10]

Your best bet is to post a draft; it really helps ensure constructive feedback.

Undergraduate / uMich supplemental essay #2 ; I want to be free to ask questions. [4]

"When I was in grade 9 I had a chemistry teacher who had the kind of personality that somehow forced even the most unruly students into a quiet reverie. During his lectures, the only time a student would interrupt would be to ask questions. However, even this privilege was all but lost when a student asked him a really naïve question."

Pretty well written. Good pace, good flow, reasonable conclusion. Relevant problems are at the sentence, phrase, and word levels. I recommend a comma after grade 9 to ease readability. The first two sentences are stout. What's great is they're intriguing. The reader wants to know more. The third sentence is unwieldy and sub-par for multiple reasons.

To preface, it's a surprising twist to the mystery; the teacher is not captivating -- instead, he's dictatorial.
The sentence betrays that the intrigue leading up to it was merely accidental. The sentence heaps on presumptions based on the thinking that it's readily apparent why the students are acting unusually. The sentence defeats its own emphasis ("even") with the feeble qualification "all but lost." On top of that, the gratuitous restriction of "...really naïve..." depredates the sentence. Extreme circumstances call for atypical treatments. Therefore, the point being made is perceived as uneventful. What's worse is you undermine your subsequent rhetoric by disclosing that the really naïve questions were blasted. You must be sophisticated in your own right to make the judgment that something is really naïve. You don't necessarily portray bias by calling something naïve, because it's a good chance the thing is naïve.

Bias isn't apparent by the use of an adjective in and of itself. Bias is often revealed when you attribute a certain degree or intensity to an adjective. You must be well versed in the putative trait to do that; otherwise, how could you describe the descriptor?

Undergraduate / I am a woman. I am pragmatic and unpredictable; Barnard Transfer Essay! [4]

Your style is bombastic and uneven. It reminds me of hollow political oratory. At that, it is not in proportion at the word-sentence level or at the paragraph-essay level.

For example, pragmatic and unpredictable don't have a clear-cut relationship. Are you trying to show paradox, complexity, contradiction, a combination thereof, or something else? Are you trying to depict a challenge to conventional ideas? How serious are you? You can't read a map? How is that relevant, notwithstanding a contrived pun and an excuse to mention a book you have read?

Where is it that you actually address the prompt? If an astute reader were to boil down all the verbiage, what end product would be left to serve the prompt?

Undergraduate / Career and Goals essay paragraph needs to be reviewed AND YOU KINDLY ! [8]

The prompt prescribes instructions. It is not posed in the form of a question. I prefer addressing those particular instructions which embody specific cases of what is to be expected. So I would pay attention to this section:

For example, you might discuss what you wanted to do as a child, discuss people that were influential in shaping your career path (for better or worse) as you grew up, and outline the role of your education or early jobs in your career development. Discuss the work you are doing now, and share your career goals and dreams.

Really, now I can identify five instructions.

1. As a child I wanted to be a police officer
2. My high school math teacher encouraged me to fulfill my potential.
3. His class and teaching style inspired me to see math in a new and exciting light. My first few jobs involved working in clerical positions.

4. Those jobs helped me gain valuable skills and experience. However, they also made me yearn for more challenging work. Currently, I tutor students who are struggling with math in those courses I have already taken and mastered.

5. My dream is to graduate and obtain employment as a petroleum engineer.

Career development is an important step in life because it allows you to assess what careers you wish to achieve and how you will become successful in achieving them. As a child I always wanted to be a teacher the kindness and helpfulness of a lot of my teachers over the years really made me appreciate the profession the fact that whenever I needed help or support with something it was always there. It shaped my personal values as it made me love helping others and supporting them with anything they needed, It satisfied me to the fullest. In my work today I am employed as Mobile Advisor (Sales Associate) I help people with all sorts of mobile phone related stuff such as selecting a new phone and/or new cell phone plan or all troubleshooting with mobile devices my past education experience has influenced me greatly with my job as I always go above and beyond to help my customers get exactly what they need and sometimes things they don't really need but might come in handy in the future by doing this I have exceeded monthly targets regularly and taught a couple of my fellow employees my techniques that have helped them excel as well by doing all of this we have built a loyal customer base that continues to bring us new clients every day.

Career development is not a step. Development is a process. It is improperly instantiated as in "...to assess...what...and how..."
More to the point, it is viewed as experiential. It is not viewed as detached. The opening sentence is a detriment as it now stands, and, at best, it is useless. You address the first directive clearly. Yet, you vaguely allude to teachers presenting a positive influence, barely meeting the second instruction. The role of education is not addressed at all, unless "...help or support with something..." is some sort of implicit reference. After skipping comment on education, you mention your current job and awkwardly tie in, so to reference, your "...past education..." despite there having been no prior elaboration. Moreover, you supplant the syntactic import of career with a job. Lastly, you fail to mention your future goals and ambitions.

Writing Feedback / People rely more on technology to solve problems impacting ability of humans to thinking. [4]

No one can argue with your opening sentence. However, though you cite a plethora of examples in which technology is shown to be a part of everyday life, you do not compose a well constructed argument that conveys your position clearly. As for the second part, I think the last three lines constitute a robust position. What you're saying is technology is neither good or bad.

What it boils down to, from my own ephemeral stream of thinking, from my perspective put into words:
Ironically, how humans choose to use technology is the ultimate determining factor in whether it has a negative or positive impact (emphasis added).

You have the fundamental idea, so prepare it by striking a more deliberate balance in your essay between the pluses and minuses of technology. In fact, the structure of your essay does not even need changing if you lengthen the segment elaborating on pitfalls of technology. If you need some examples of how technology can be a negative force, here's some ideas:

1. Lack of human to human interaction
2. Addiction
3. Spying
4. Warfare
5. Privacy

I hope that helps.

Undergraduate / USC application essay - How will you benefit society? [3]

Writing well is a skill. It is different from oral communication because you have time to compose your thoughts and present them after you've had a chance to think about the message you're trying to convey. So they're separate and the differences don't stop there (considering written word's impact) but I wanted to note that.

Your essay shouldn't start with "Well,..." in this particular circumstance. It's a formal writing style that you probably want here. Equally important, you probably want to address the prompt. So the beginning of your essay all the way up to where you first mention USC is irrelevant. Moving on, there's a presumption -- that is, it's well understood you would be engaged in employment and practice if you got an engineering degree.

The prompt is specifically asking how you will use the degree, (a term being used to reference the education you would receive), to benefit society.

I pick up on a few points that you make. Initially you talk about being employed and designing innovative products. Next, you're not even especially sure what specific sub-domain of engineering you think you'll be active in. Then, cutting back, you say that you will be able to benefit your employer by improving how much money he makes. By the next sentence you're mentioning a current events story and stating that acts like security breaches would decrease because you would place emphasis on designing reliable products. Taking this line to its logical extreme, then you begin grossly oversimplifying things by suggesting you would help people save time... time that could be put to much better use elsewhere. Finally, you conclude with saying that you'll be able to help people who are not tech-savvy.

In total, you make about five points. The first one was boilerplate. The second one sounds quite reasonable but it's not the time and place to bring it up. The third one is pathetic: helping your employer make money does not imply a necessary benefit to society. The tangent after that is really where I perceive that you begin making an effort to address the prompt. I might think it's short of astonishing in the details, but it is still a solid use of rhetoric. Of course, you don't want good rhetoric to devolve into a sham or mockery, so it would help to develop ideas and maintain a consistent tone. After that, you have done your job. In other words, try not to bring the virtue of saving peoples' time into the discussion, because that of all things, if anything, makes your essay sound "fake." The fifth point is an impressive topic and an answer to the prompt in its own right, potentially, if it were to be expanded upon further.

There you have it. A lot of times writing is about rhetoric. It's not bluster. It's just an art of persuasion assisted by the use of certain techniques. For example, bringing a high profile negative event to bear and saying you would be active in helping prevent similar events in the future -- that... is the power of rhetoric. That is the power to help people see things directly impacting them and thereby giving them an extra incentive to get on board with what you're saying. Rhetoric is not inherently good or bad, but it's the person's intention behind it that influences whether they use it in a positive or a negative manner.

Essays / Revenge is a dish best served cold; English Essay [4]

This essay can be adapted to any of the rhetorical modes: descriptive, expository, narrative, or persuasive.

It all depends on how you approach the prompt. For example, you can extol the virtues of forgiving others (including your enemies) and segue into a narrative style essay which bears out a resonant idea to effect the theme of force by show of example. Or, you can answer the question and proceed to qualify the merits of forgiveness along with the alternatives and what all the options entail, thereby building support for your nuanced position as you set the terms of the argument. You may also delve into the legal, moral, and psychological spheres while you address the idea of revenge and forgiveness from an explanatory standpoint.

Finally, one could describe revenge, forgiveness, and the scope of how they might interrelate directly or how they relate otherwise, conceptually.

Undergraduate / Introducing myself to an new classroom using 3 paragraphs (5 or more sentences e [3]

I'll note where I make changes to your first two paragraphs:

Paragraph 1: Hello, my name is Amber. I am 21 years old, and a single mother of two precious little boys. I am from a small town called Beaufort, South Carolina. I have a passion for working with children of various ages. I have been in Cchildcare for 4 four years and I am certified in CRP CPR and First Aid. I also have my credentials in Early Childhood Development early childhood development, which was once my major.

Paragraph 2: This will be my first year here at this the U university. I anticipate majoring in the program for Medical Office Assistant. I have many goals that I would like to achieve, to name a few are finishing college, becoming an successful Medical Office Assistant, and becoming a better personI have many goals. Some important ones include finishing college, obtaining a job as a medical office assistant, and becoming a better person.A online format will work well for me because I am currently unable to attend classes on classes on campus due to various reasons. The 3 strategies that i have used for studying are reviewing my notes everyday, make diagrams, and preparing a self test. All of these strategies have been very effective for me.Online classes, in particular, will provide considerable benefit because they are convenient and compatible with my current commitments and obligations. Three strategies I have used to success in my studying are making diagrams, reviewing notes regularly, and preparing self-assessments. These strategies have proven effective for me in helping to facilitate learning and promoting steady progress.

Additional Comments:

Paragraph 1: Consider varying your sentence structure. Note the beginning of each sentence (I). "Working with children of various ages" is another way of saying working with children...

"Various ages" does not enhance your description in any meaningful way. It would help to be more specific with what you mean in this sentence. For example: I enjoy working with children and being involved in helping their development. You have been in childcare for four years. The reader probably assumes this means you've worked in a childcare setting for the last four years. I assume you mean Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation (CPR). I'm not sure whether CPR is well known enough not to require the customary introduction of what it stands for. I'm not sure if first aid can be capitalized in its own right. On to the last sentence. What credentials do you have in early childhood development? Does it help to mention that it was your major at some point? Is it correctly implied that you did not complete the major? If so, is this something helpful to portray?

Paragraph 2: Becoming a better person is a vague goal. I reworded the sentence about why an online format would be helpful to you. Instead of describing online classes as necessary due to restrictions and limitations, describing the benefit of online classes with positive adjectives that allude to broad, overarching advantages, helps beef up the tone and encompass a range of scenarios without spelling any of them out explicitly.

Research Papers / Arizona's Wide Gap between Classes is Core Cause of Rise of Number in Foster Care [2]

Hi Lori.

I think there is plenty of room to improve on this draft. The biggest problem with your essay now is it's pretty hard to read, literally, perhaps even figuratively as a consequence thereof.

First of all, I promise you it's much easier to read a passage when it is split up into visually distinct paragraphs as opposed to when t's a sea of words and they all look the same.

So my first point of advice would be to organize the essay so it is readable. Consider that you have over 2500 words... This means you should either narrow the scope significantly, or assign a logical system of breaking it all into paragraphs.

What I would do is combine both ideas. In essence this is how the essay should have been written in the first place, so you will just have to work backwards from what you have.

The good point is, you already have much of the content. Now, you must approach the essay like a proper academic exercise. What this means is, having researched all the factors and having familiarized yourself with the surrounding issues, you need to report the results of your research in a way that is precise.

So you can easily cut back by about 1/3 on the sheer number of words. I don't want to get into the specifics of the essay, because there's too much to discuss that doesn't work -- of course, once you gather your thoughts and identify the ideas you want to expound on, your essay will be a great deal more academic, so to speak.

Great. So I think the public health phenomenon of Arizona having so many disadvantaged kids can help to show a good candidate topic. But do you want to discuss foster kids in Arizona only? Maybe it would be in your best advantage to increase the relevance of the topic by focusing on kids throughout who are suffering bad upbringings or who live in difficult circumstances. I certainly think so. One common device is to bring up the issue of a major societal ill. Then the next step is to highlight a regional area that has suffered the adverse effects to a much greater degree than on average across the society. The investigator will then turn to trying to understand the community that has been worse effected so as to gain insight that can help people on the whole.

So, you're certainly not limited in the number of different avenues to broach the issue. I'll say though: You must be firm on the central issue you are writing about, because everything else will flow as a function of the topic. I did peek back at you opening lines. What I see is a confusion about how you will tackle the issue throughout your essay. For example, you allude to income inequality right off the bat. Now, even if income inequality was by far and away the cause of these ills, by putting income inequality before anything else, you have effectively made income inequality the focus of the essay. So the essay could easily be how income inequality is causing disastrous social problems. See, income inequality can be examined and shown to have terrible consequences. But the topic is income inequality. Now, instead of throwing out potential causes or reasons, it would behoove you to establish what it's like to live in a world totally different from the one most people are accustomed to. Now you're researching what you thought you were researching.

And from the academic research papers I have read, in this context the author could do what I'm saying here, more as a means to provide sufficient background to the issue, before they embark on their efforts to explain what their research, investigative, and analytical judgment bring to bear on the issue.

Feel free to shift into a different role to facilitate the mode of discussion you will be undertaking in order to advance the discussion based on your best judgment analytical imperative that you will support with insight.

Writing Feedback / 'action on environmental conservation' Re-write paragraph in suitably academic style [3]

I think the paragraph pertains to environmental pollution; as such, you might want to include "air" along with land and water.

According to your first sentence, if corrective action is not taken then the quality of the land and water will be adversely impacted. Of course, whether action is taken (or not), the quality of the land and water has already been degraded to some extent. This implicit assumption helps form the premise of your putative argument that the damage to land and water will be considerably worse if efforts are not undertaken to conserve the environment.

As it were, you say that without conservation efforts, land and water will be degraded; that is, the argument is posed as a problem solely as it relates to your proposition that "Without action on environmental conservation, land and water will be degraded." In other words, you skipped the chain of facts that would support your putative proposition. Your paragraph presupposes the case and then outlines proposals that tacitly validate it.

One might ask how the author could know and warn about something that will happen -- if, supposedly, this "something" will only happen as a direct result of inaction.

There is no problem to be dealt with, per se, if you're predicting the effect(s) of something that has not materialized. In layman's terms, the three solutions to the problem could be interpreted as solutions designed to forestall the potential aftermath of a situation where people don't make efforts to conserve the environment. Or, the three solutions could be interpreted as suggestions to mitigate our impact on the environment.

On the three ideas for reducing damage to the environment:

- The use of petroleum is a major contributing factor to Greenhouse Gas Emissions; limiting petroleum use will lead to a direct decrease in Greenhouse Gas Emissions. Reducing petrol use can be accomplished by reducing usage voluntarily, by adopting alternative energy sources, and by designing more effective emissions control systems in vehicles.

- Plants and Trees serve a critical function because they absorb Carbon Dioxide and release Oxygen. Carbon Dioxide accounts for 84% of Greenhouse Gas Emissions. Therefore, deforestation should be regulated very tightly with reforestation mandated. Reforestation projects should be expanded and better researched to guide their implementation in mitigating climate change.

- Drilling, Dumping, Oil Spills, Nuclear Energy, and other industrial related incidents have damaged and polluted waterways and land. We must learn to appreciate the beauty and the necessity of nature to our daily living and to the lives of so many others, sooner rather than later.

Writing Feedback / 'Internet has exceeded the newspapers demand' - IELTS writing [5]

First, internet news readership has already surpassed that of newspapers. Second, you already mentioned the most important disadvantages of newspapers compared with the internet -- internet news is timely and covers far away places. You're basically repeating yourself in the sixth line. The "important drawback" you refer to in the seventh line is only marginally relevant. The last two lines should be discarded. You basically undermine yourself by putting forth such a silly reason why newspapers should be abandoned.

Writing Feedback / Computer is an electronic device made by the humans for the welfare of human being. [4]

I think your essay is pretty robust. There are a few issues you could correct. First, you say "I will disagree with them; there is positive as well negative use of computer." Notice the topic mentions some people think computers are MORE a hindrance than a help. This does not mean that they don't think computers have any benefits. On the contrary, it suggests that some people believe the benefits of computers do not exceed the burden imposed by them -- in other words, they do think there are benefits.

One other thing: In the second to last line you mention that computers have created millions of jobs. This violates two principles. Don't introduce new information in your conclusion, because it's improper and out of place. Second, don't initiate a new line of discussion in the conclusion that's controversial and arguably, very wrong!!

Your English is not perfect, but you're able to articulate your message effectively.

Writing Feedback / IETLS 2: Discussions on travelling [3]

Travelling is very popular in many countries in general , wherepeople spend a significant amount of time on this to relax trying to relax or try to and widen their vision. Indeed, this advantageous activity could let the visitors have the opportunity to perceive see brand new things which are usually unprecedented to them and encounter new situations. In the opposite side, however, some argue that discovering the beauty of their own land should be done first is more important. .

Traveling is popular in many countries. People spend a significant amount of time trying to relax and widen their vision. Visitors have the opportunity to see new things and encounter new situations. Some argue that discovering the beauty of their own land is more important.

I'm not sure what this assignment is for. Are you supposed to argue both sides of the issue?

Graduate / PhD Statement of Research Interests: physicist going into Neuroscience [13]

Yes, the first paragraph provides a clue about the improper/inaccurate wording in some places. For example, take the first sentence and it appears exaggerated. Insead of " After doing both my bachelors and masters", you should ease in, because this is not enough time to digest the information and read simultaneously. Basically, after another look, it appears you are rushing through, not taking enough time to branch out on each thought, but just briskly running through your densely packed speech.

Undergraduate / Father's Influence, he is by my side - Most Influential Person In Your Life [6]

I think it's weak. You describe some things, but you don't say what the meaning behind it is; and so a person thinks you are mentioning off topic things that don't seem to make sense or fit in, with the conspicuous absence of an explanation linking the metaphors tightly and with emphasis to the decisions your father made. Besides that, it doesn't really appear out what it is that your father showed you to make him such an appreciated influence on your life. I mean, an engineer talking math problems with his son??? Can you get any more distant from the point of this all -- illustrating those personal values and qualities he had that made a lasting impression on you as a grown up now. You don't just add the affirmation that he was self-less or this and that, or why write the essay. You're supposed to talk about the personal side of your father and how he was great because of x certain demeanor and y certain mysterious behavior that you figured out to be a manifestation of the quality. It's not the best attempt to mention math problems and generalities so broad, they could be true of any old father to his son. You basically avoid providing us with a view from dad's side, that would brush thoughts into pictures and feelings that we can feel and imagine.

Graduate / Personal Statement for MSc Environmental Economics & Climate Change@LSE [7]

Well, the beginning is a bit mistimed, since as of late the skeptics have had the last see-saw about the global warming crisis being fabricated and politicized to benefit politicians. That is, at least here in the states, the relative atmosphere (pun) with respect to climate change is the urgency that has waned over the last several years; it went from the topic on the top of the things to address, to now where you might not even hear about it for long periods.

I can't review your whole statement, though I want to.

My advice is to be cognizant of the dynamic, cause for alarm type of evidence, in the remote analysis of icecaps and other such ground and natural developments, and put it in the proper perspective opposite your line of duty to analyze synthetic emissions and hammer away at the numbers in your projections that are more detached and mathematical/theoretical. So, it appears to be at odds with your dire tone, that you are working on a less profound, heterogeneous component of the climate change concern. That is, to put it bluntly, you can't have witnessed that much to make your mind do a u-turn, since the nature of your work is an analysis of long extant things, and the phenomenon that would compel you to take a different route, for this cause, really is not feasible, since you don't witness things, but work with data that is the same no matter if you become aware of it or didn't.

What I'm saying is, somebody could have merely told you about the facts and figures and educated you on the situation. So, the tone is asynchronous with the circumstances we are imagining.

Graduate / PhD Statement of Research Interests: physicist going into Neuroscience [13]

Let it suffice that there is far too much about the particulars of the research and not enough about the emotional/feeling impetus that is presumably operating behind the scenes, somewhere, or you're a pretty gray fellow. The tone is decidedly breathless and echoing against the deluxe train of no transitions, no rest for contemplation, and a stream of high science hip research analysis that matches well with the overall show of high strung seriousness that is supposed to portray you are very focused on this admission opportunity.

I don't know the story behind this paper, or what it is you're trying to accomplish, so pardon me if I am missing something.

Anyway, let's start with your first paragraph, which ends about a certain institution being the right fit, and the neuroscience department there in particular. Don't you think you are jumping the gun a little here, using the present tense as if it were a foregone conclusion that you'll study neuroscience, when you haven't ever actually taken an inventory of neuroscience?

I haven't the mind to sift through this and point out the certain mistake in not speaking enough as a still prospective student and learner.

I'll get around to it later, but some of it has to do with being overeager and mentioning in stilted terms, the processes that you know about and used. At one part, you just laid it down and assumed that the reader had that much of a care for the petty specifics you're rehashing in such anticipation.

Again, I'll have to look at this closer to slice the mold and cold that I recognize but cannot quite isolate without a little background on what this paper is for, and how it fits, lest I appear rash.

So provide a short caption about this, and I'll get around to clarifying the problems I have with it.

Undergraduate / "Growth Through Astronomy" - Common App essay review [5]

"My upbringing" is the problem with your first paragraph, which is all I read.


The following words evoke a charged tone or have been misused otherwise: upbringing, liberty, consequences, stray, mandates, independence, etc.

Liberty is not obtained. Liberty does not mean independence. To appreciate something here is to presuppose about what has been preconceived.

Sean used to be a moderator here, and it reminds me of him when you use words that are useless: never, really, much, too, really, first, true, etc.

Your sentence structure needs work. You should refrain from juxtaposing emotions, tones, and narratives that clash; this can be corrected at least partially by changing some of the words that I've listed up above.

There are obvious problems with grammar, but this is not my area of specialty so I'll give just one example: In a sentence, such as this one, the words between commas should serve as a comment/afterthought, and they must be non-essential to the integrity of the sentence as an independent clause; your sentence works fine, but vital meaning is misplaced within the set of commas.

Finally, not for lack of more problems to point out but for a lack of time, I recommend that you avoid making vague allusions that distract from your purpose.

Undergraduate / "we are trained to think in terms of self-benefit and greed" -SF Essay Intro [3]

I'm going to give a mild critique, suitable to your ability level.

The second sentence sounds comfortably vague about "others" who are causing this decline in society. The third sentence makes no sense. The aura is not caused by the attitude or posture of cynicism. It is caused by people who adopt the negative attitudes. Although you could say this world is inhumane and unjust, it is not a polite and cheery thing to include here. Your next sentence has decent structure until you add the bit "and to improve the qualities of this world", which is too front heavy. Now, you say that the best proposal is to adopt a new mentality, but that's no proposal at all. It's merely what the assumption that your reader would have. Interestingly, fiery rhetoric and empty campaign slogans both share this quality.

This is the classic model of circular reasoning, right in your passage.

1. Society is bad. (So, we should change society)
2. In order to make society good, we should do such and such ... and improve our communities for the better.

Finally, you drop a bit about altruism, which is fine. What isn't fine however, is the underlying methods you are proposing and; by that I mean, you offer no methods/means for change.

Unless you are going to expound on altruism, it should be omitted, since people have different opinions about it, and without your lucid breakdown, they will clutch onto preexisting biases by default. So there are four major points: Take a brave approach to your topic. Drop "inhumane and unjust." Offer some real solutions to think about, to go about changing society. Avoid specific terms that have a lot of chatter behind them, because you might inaccurately portray a few minor things, and also, because they make your statements sound scripted (at least until you expand and provide your unique insight, as a unique person).

I don't know how your paper is supposed to sound, but expository writing from a personal vantage point has served me well, throughout.

Writing Feedback / Topic:Is telling truth always better than telling lie or only partial truths? [5]

Consider Immanuel Kant's discussion of a categorical imperative and make at least one mention of it.

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

Unripe is the word that comes to mind, reading this essay. I can't read it and contain my unease with the conflicting messages.

Grammar, Usage / Tips on writing more effectively (visit the link) [8]

Well, the audience at Hubpages is not big on scholarly articles. It is enough that I wrote on a topic about education. Most users are not students, so narrowing the title to a specific subject would only hurt. Those people who do read, probably read for the hell of it, because it is interesting; I doubt they remember anything they read about how one answer choice is not viable for such and such reasons.

Grammar, Usage / Tips on writing more effectively (visit the link) [8]

I made a note of the comma splice terminology, captain. Thanks to all who looked over my post. :)

Grammar, Usage / Tips on writing more effectively (visit the link) [8]


Wow, you could be right. I hope I was using the sense of "render" that means "translate", whereas your revision is using the sense of "render" that means "make or cause to become." You know, I rely so much on intuition that I am convinced my use of "render" was of the third sense, below, as in, to translate. The part that came before the text of mine you quoted, actually was referring to the use of the thesaurus. So, it makes sense that a boring word, replaced by a thesaurus word, would sometimes render an incoherent thought. The inapplicable word is rendered as an incoherent thought. I think the way I ended up writing it, occurred subconsciously, and, I would do just as well or better to write it your way. Your rendition is linear, since it means to act on a thought, causing it to become incoherent. My rendition is artistic, since "7.Include words they found in a thesaurus, thereby rendering an incoherent thought", with the word "thereby" (by that means or because of that), implies that the inclusion of the words found is rendered into an incoherent thought. Both ways work, but mine is less straightforward and more self-indulgent.

Oxford (the best dictionary, period, in my opinion):

2 [with object] cause to be or become; make:
the rains rendered his escape impossible

3 represent or depict artistically:
the eyes and the cheeks are exceptionally well rendered
- translate:the phrase was rendered into English


I meant that those three points (they) determine the motivation level of the reader.

I'm not sure what you mean with respect to


. I have an idea, but I'm not sure. If you mean switching up the way you say things, then I understand what you mean, and it requires more elaboration on your part, as to the context.

Graduate / Why MBA and why from Wharton (a leader in global business): Software Engineer [5]

That's not a bad college for the MBA qualification. In fact, it is actually one of the ones that graduate people -- with fat incomes.

Writing Feedback / GRE (argument): Recommendation to change the marketing style of a company [11]

This argument is extremely weak. You need to identify the key points. Make no assumptions.

Since profits are declining, Shell Adhesives should use net marketing instead of Sell-Well. Net marketing has proven effective for Stick Fast.

Well, how so???

They did hire the services of Web Sell, and sales did increase ~40% in the last fiscal year. When did they hire the services of Web Sell???

That's a fatal flaw in this argument. There is no indication as to when Web Sell was retained, therefore, there is no link at all between Web Sell and the increased sales; that is, there's not even a circumstantial piece of evidence, linking net marketing to the increased sales.

I went into partnership with my friend 40 years ago, and my profits surged last year; ergo, my friend must have caused profits to increase ???

This argument is bunk.

Writing Feedback / Is the opinion of the majority-in government or in any other circumstances-a poor [4]

You spent too long a time on summarizing the book, and your thesis is unclear.

Undergraduate / Any additional things we should know about you? (optional) University of Florida [4]

Overall, this is well written. You need to snip away the clumsy add ons to be more concise; and rearrange some of those commas, so you don't confuse the reader.

Writing Feedback / We need neighbors who are helpful, kind, understanding and encouragingr [9]

The generic prompt of sub-dividing ourselves at the base level of individuals assumes a western culture for the ambassadors of humans altogether. Community and collectivism are in opposition to our weakness, and so they are prevalent. I don't know if neighbor is just America, but at least make that note early on, to keep it running smoothly and stably.