Undergraduate / My spiritual life strengthened because of this significant experience [4]

OK. I appreciate the strength of your religious conviction, and I think it's a bold move for you to write a response about your religion (I'm a Christian myself). However, you need to write less about your beliefs and more about how this event defines you, if that makes sense. What personality traits has your spirituality developed in you, and what clubs / interests / career pursuits do you have that support these new personality traits?

God is real. God really does exist. Sometimes we just have to look for Him with sincerity to feel Him in our lives. I am forever changed by this incident that He gave me. I have become an improved man because of that. If you asked me whether or not I would like to go back and erase what happened that night , I would decline . It is not because I want my father to experience such an incident, but because that incident changed my life forever and has saved me from more possible sufferings in life if I still did not believe in God. Now, I am a truly defined person in Christ, proclaiming His awesome power and mighty deeds.

Undergraduate / The only thing I fear is fear itself- for the common application!! :) [9]

The Only Thing I Fear is Fear Itself

I like the originality of your response. However, the point of the Common App essay is, first and foremost, to tell admissions officers something about yourself that they won't find in the rest of your application. After reading this, I can imply a lot about five-year-old you but nothing about you now. What are recentexamples of you taking risks and trying new things?

Undergraduate / WashU University Scholars Program in Medicine [6]

Very engaging read, but a little too informal for a college essay. I tried to take out many of the sentence fragments and remove the conjunctions at the beginnings of your sentences. When you use too many, even if it's natural when you speak, you start to sound like a little kid in your writing.

You have good reasoning, and your connecting your medical internship to those reasons was good. But you spent much of the essay talking about how much you admired the medical researchers. The medical researchers were the ones studying your favorite subjects, the ones using their critical-thinking skills, the ones who help people by finding cures and treatments. So why do you end the essay so convicted about being doctor, after only a short reference to your tenure in an internist's office?

Undergraduate / There are still rights and wrongs and self-evident truths; CU boulder/ Diversity [4]

You made some good points. But yes, ultimately, this essay needs to be more about you. The background you gave was good. You sound like you would enrich UC Boulder's diversity by fighting to promote it, as opposed to enriching it by being conventionally diverse yourself. Have you done anything like that in high school? What clubs with these values would you be interested in joining at this college, or can this relate to what you plan on studying? Also, don't forget, the prompt also asks "What are your hopes for your college experience?"

Undergraduate / Realization and Revelation - Columbia University Supplement [4]

This response is just playing off of a bunch of cliches. You found "Up" meaningful because it taught you that life is an adventure? You have to make this essay more personal; write less about the movie and more about you. What adventure were you searching for, and how has your need to pursue an adventure negatively affected your life?

Undergraduate / Essay B # 3- CU Boulder - 'Pay check to pay check is how I have lived' [5]

The prompt asks you to:
A. Discuss any events or special circumstances that have affected your academic record
B. Discuss as any adversities you have overcome

You write a lot about your family background, but which part of the prompt is this information answering (A or B)? If it is A, you aren't quite explaining how having a young, single mother, not being financially well-off, and being a first-generation college applicant made your pre-senior year GPA not the best. You write that you did not have "an experienced caregiver in academics" to show you how to be successful. Why couldn't you reach out to teachers? Or was it that you did not have the right attitude about education? You need to explain how your circumstances shaped your attitude, then. Writing, " I found that at this time I had become flustered with all of the mistakes that I had made" is not enough; why did being flustered affect your grades?

And if your circumstances are supposed to answer B, you need to better explain the "overcome" part.

I think you need to rewrite your essay. You don't have much space available, and you need a more focused answer.

Scholarship / MEDLIFE chapter; Pursue Your Passion Scholarship [4]

You did a very good job of fitting a lot of information into a short amount of space. I don't know what kind of people you will be competing with, but you articulate your point well, and I think you would be a very good candidate! Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Watching too much TV and violent images - essay [8]

Sorry, no.

Undergraduate / I've dreamed of working in the medical field and caring for people [5]

If you're still out there and looking for revisions, just wanted to incorporate IntheClouds's suggestions:

Ever since the sixth grade, I have dreamed [or "dreamt"] of working in the medical field and caring for people. This drive ultimately led me to pursue a career in nursing. I recently cared for my aunt, who had numerous strokes and was disabled . She was a registered nurse and passed away in January 2012. Throughout my experience [Your experience doing what? Caring for your aunt? Coping with her death?] , I havelearned to keep my mind open and be alert for many potential situations. [What kinds of potential situations?] From that moment, I realized that attending nursing school was for me. My goal is to graduate from the University of South Alabama and work at the Biloxi Medical Regional Center as a postpartum nurse. [Why postpartum nursing?] I would like to further my education and become a Nurse Practitioner in Women's Health.

Scholarship / Diploma of community services ; Scholarship [3]

[Write what your prior and current work are and how they are related/]
[I would delete this; you don't have to explain what the course does. You have to explain why you want to study it.]
[Delete this too. You should be writing about the specific jobs you are interested in, not just general job opportunities.]
[Why does the fact that the course has interesting papers make you want to take it?]
[Give a reason that explains why you will need those skills in your future job.]

Writing Feedback / Watching too much TV and violent images - essay [8]

Last week, I found my cousin watching a violent TV show . He is just eight years old, so I forced him to turn off the TV. I spoke with his mother, and I realized that he predicted to TV. I think that watching too much television is not good for young children. [For a more formal essay, use full words like "television" instead of the short version, "TV." However, it is OK to use TV every now and then, especially if you find yourself writing "television" many times.]

Scholarship / my curiosity and desire to learn; Scholarship/why deserve [7]

Michaelangelo

I don't really understand your comment. Are you referring to this:


I'm not asking this question because I can't imagine or speculate on any answers. I'm just asking it because I'm trying to eliminate sources of confusion in Shpresa's essay, and readers might not be able to draw the connection between the experiences and being interested in economics. However, it's just a suggestion and Shpresa is more than welcome to ignore it...

Scholarship / my curiosity and desire to learn; Scholarship/why deserve [7]

Very unique use of fairy tales as a hook! This was a very engaging read. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / "As long as you keep trying, you'll get it" - "Numbers and Me"/ COMMON TRANSFER APP [4]

You don't really convey why you want to transfer. What do you like about this new college? What better resources are you leaving community college for?

Scholarship / No community service work course; SCHOLARSHIP/ Proposed study [6]

I am confused. Do you want to create these community service programs in Australia or in Laos? Do you want Australian people working to help Laos? Or do you want to make programs so that Laotian people can help themselves?

Every year,many study fields are provided to Laos's students.However,there are still no courses in the field of community service work.And while community service is essential for national development,the human resource requirement for this field has increased more and more. Skilled people from community service work courses overseas could fill this need for human resources,participating in national development projects in both urban and rural Laos . Through capacity-building programs, this course will play an important role in increasing the number of human resources in the study field. Furthermore, students will learn counselling skills from this study field,which will help Laos minimize its social problems, especially those arising from mental health problems .

Moreover, the community service work will also benefit the donor country, Australia. Firstly, this program will benefit educational institutions by attracting students from all over the world to study in Australia through the global professional network of this field. Secondly, the success of program will assist Australia's role in development domain at an international level.Establishing community service programs will illustrate the country's commitmentand demonstrate that it leads in education, training, research, and innovation. Importantly, the alumni network formed by this program will be the tool that forms relationships, tying Laos and Australia together.

Grammar, Usage / [the word talent and trend] - help regarding grammar! [4]

As for #3, I don't know the names of specific pronoun laws, but in this case, I guess you would treat "but" like a preposition, and you use object pronouns (me, us, him, her, etc.) after prepositions.

Scholarship / "Deserve to receive AUK scholarship"; Need ADVICE [2]

The focus of your essay should show the admissions people that you have a clear understanding of what you want to learn, what you want do as a career, the kind of person you want to become, etc. and then how the university is the only place where you can achieve those goals. A personal approach is essential, and definitely avoid achievements and extracurriculars unless they have something to do with explaining the above.

Undergraduate / What is between two places, or a bar on two poles, a dance between spaces, or.. [6]

First, you get many props for your creativity. The rhymes are a nice touch. In this case, however, I think it will be taken as a gimmick, and your essay will start to seem like you aren't taking the prompt seriously.

Furthermore, the prompt is asking you how you will help the university carry out it mission. That is, what knowledge or skills will you learn at USF, and then, how will you use those things to create a more humane and just world? You write about limbo. You write about how you have developed skills that will make you a good dentist. You write about not having the best grades, and then you write about why you want to go to USF. You didn't really answer the prompt.

Try to find a balance of engaging the reader and answering the question. You got the first part, the harder part, but you're not done yet.

Graduate / Application for Master of Information Technology (MIT) [5]

It looks good. I moved a few things around a little later in your essay to organize it a little, so I put the green headings just to show you how I broke it up (don't actually include them in your final draft). But overall, very well-written. Best of luck!

Graduate / I have always been a physically active person; Physical Therapy/ PStatement [15]

Very nice! You did a good job of presenting strong, unique experiences and tying them back to your motivation for pursuing PT. You do a good job of articulating your passion, dedication, and empathy for others. Best of luck!

Scholarship / Community Services Work course ; Australia Scholarship / 3 Responses [3]

1. Please provide details and evidence of your service to the community. Unpaid service within your field of expertise, or unpaid community service in outside capacities (Maximum 200 words)

I have been involved with variety of voluntary community service work,including ___________, ___________, and ________ . [List some community service you commonly do.]Notably, I participated in a campaign program called Clean Up Vientiane in 2011. The program aimed to raise awareness about rubbish storage and separation. I volunteered as a group leader. I led my team to primary schools, high schools, universities, and households to campaign and distribute rubbish bags.In 2012, I also had the privilege of being involved with a flooding protection program as a leader of youth ages ____ to ____. . I ensured that the tasks were done properly,supervised the children on my team, and coordinated with other communities' responsible zone . [I don't know what this means.]My team was one of many that placed sandbags on Mekong's riverbank to ensure that water would not overflow into the town and communities nearby . Both programs were short , but I gained a great deal of experience in working with diverse communities and assuming leadership roles .

Undergraduate / UT Austin Tranfer Admisson, Older tranfer student with pervious career experience [8]

You should explain a little more why you were interested in becoming a pharmacy technician, how you got a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to work in entertainment, and why you chose to give all of your prior education up for it.

Another way to distinguish yourself is to write about how your education, your work experience, and your family experience will help you become a successful nurse.

Undergraduate / Airport- Childhood to Adulthood / Accomplishment or Event [3]

It's very descriptive, but that ended up becoming very tedious to read. Moreover, it ended up not really answering the question; it seems to be more of a parallel to becoming an adult than actually becoming one. If the essay about you and your twin sister is your other choice, I'd go with that.

Undergraduate / English class; MY SECOND LIFE/ Significant Experience [7]

Sorry for missing so many grammar things; I'm no professional! I incorporated saklee's revisions into this version (Thanks, saklee), so hopefully this version is both natural-sounding and grammatically correct.

Undergraduate / Freedom is not free; Why do you want to attend a service academy (nomination prompt) [4]

Many parts of your response could be applied to a prompt for any college. Thus, I think you should write more about why you want to be involved in the military at all, why you feel so dedicated to your country that you would give your time, energy, and safety to protecting it.

Robert Greenleaf once said, "Good leaders must first become good servants." Attending a service academy will help me become a good servant so that I can be a good leader in the Military.

Hmmm... You don't have that many words, but you're trying to give many reasons instead of focusing on one or two important ones. Write more about the impact your JROTC experience had on you, why you want to follow in your uncle's footsteps. What did they teach you about being a leader that made you want to lead others too? Talking about what you are capable of and your full potential is too vague. Anyone can say that.

Graduate / Success only happens when you've moved up from your starting point; CASPA [8]

You definitely made many good points and clarified many things for me, so thanks!

I guess there's no other space for you to explain supplementary information about you or to explain something about your academic background? The first paragraphs definitely give a clearer picture of you as a person, as someone who will work hard and is willing to overcome adversity, but they take up so much of the space you need to actually answer the question.

Also, I think it would be really good if you were blunt about how much you hated the job and why you hated it. That really says a lot about you too. Maybe you could even tie it back to how you knew what it was like to feel disheartened, like you had nowhere to turn, and so you don't want to make others feel that way. Then I wouldn't feel like, "Wow, this person has a really interesting back-story" but then end up confused about why you chose to include that information.

My bad on the Emergency Room / Department thing; I know nothing about hospitals or medical terminology, so I concede to your expertise :P

Finally, I still think you should expand on what you like about medicine, what kinds of people you want to work with or if you want to specialize in a field, what skills you have that would help you be successful in this career, etc. You can write what they want to hear in a way that still helps them know more about you. I get that you want to stand out, and you do, but you have to stand out and answer the question. I would reach out to an interesting and unique candidate for sure, but I'd choose one who can present this in a professional way.

Graduate / Success only happens when you've moved up from your starting point; CASPA [8]

Crash and burn, collapse, letdown.Whatever you call it, it's failure. Success only happens when you have moved up from your starting point. [I'm confused about what this has to do with you wanting to be a Physician Assistant.]

[While the first sentence of the following paragraph really captures my attention, I found myself wanting a little more background. Who did you live with? What was your home life like? Why were you able to "throw your life away"?]

Letters / Research and development section - Cover letter for job - correct grammatical errors [2]

Dear Hiring Manager ,

My name is xxxx, and I am writing to explore the possibility of joining xxxxas a xxxx.I desire to work in the research and development section so I can best support the company's organization goals.[Just to clarify, there is an organization, which is pretty much the same as a company. And then there is organization, which is making things organized. Are you talking about supporting the organization's goals, or just the company's goals related to being organized?] I am currently working as a xxxx at xxxx University.

As a chemist,I have experience in synthesizing and interpreting moleculesthrough analytical methods such as xxxx, xxxx and xxxx. I believe that my excellence in xxxx synthesis and strong leadership qualities such as xxxxx,xxxxxand xxxx would meet the organization's requirements. Additionally, I have company experience in contract research from India's reputed organization xxxx, wherein I achieved several target-oriented syntheses and worked both independently and on a team.

[ A copy of my curriculum vitae, including a brief summary of my research, is enclosed for your consideration.]The curriculum vitae will provide you with more detailed information about my research,which would help the organizationcomplete challenging tasks . Therefore, I ask you to consider me for a scientist position within your organization,and I would be very grateful if you would grant me such an opportunity . Next week, I will call you to find out the possibility of job openings for my credentials and set up an interview, if possible.

Thank you very much for your consideration. I look forward to a favorable reply.

Sincerely,
xxxx

Scholarship / 'The Sun and the Sea' - My parents have taught me not to give up; QuestBridge [5]

I agree that this essay is a little vague, even though it is written very well.

Your goal is to discuss 1. factors and challenges that impacted you while you grew up and 2. how they shaped your personal life, aspirations, and growth. You focus on a factor, the way your country neglects the needs of people with mental health problems. The story about the woman is attention-grabbing, but you need to write more about how your native country treats the mentally ill in general. Also, you don't really elaborate on how this setting shaped you. Are you interested in pursuing a career in mental health? Do you want to go into public health and solve the negligence that is happening in your country? What clubs or classes have you taken in high school that support these interests?

You also discuss a challenge, moving to America. Write more about the language barrier; what language did you speak? Were there people to interpret for you? What parts of American culture are different from your country's? How did you and your family cope? You did a fairly good job describing what you felt during this time. But then suddenly, you connect it back to your memory of the woman, and the connection is pretty weak. I guess you want to say that you felt the same frustration and confusion both that day and when you were in America; you should make this idea clearer. Then you mention how you decided to stand up for the things you believed in and make lemonade out of lemons. How did you do this after you encountered the woman, and how did you do this after you came to America? Drawing these connections in your essay will make it much less vague.

Scholarship / 'following through with hard work' - why do you deserve this sponsorship? [4]

I am worthy of this tuition and maintenance sponsorship because I will work hard and do whatever it takes to achieve my goal of furthering my education.I dream of being able to impact my country through academic excellence. [But how will you use academic excellence to impact your country? Lots of people get good grades and don't impact their country. What will you do with your education? What do you want to study in college and what career do you want?] I trust in myself and believe that this sponsorship will be the foundation I need to pursue my vision . [What is your vision?]This scholarship will enable to become an inspiration for others through my academic success.

You still are not clear enough.

Scholarship / Need help understanding the questions for a scholarship; AUSAID SCHOLARSHIP [6]

I don't know what scholarship this is, but it sounds like you are supposed to have some kind of mentor or referee. He or she is supposed to answer this question and write about what parts of the program would require education, training, or skills/knowledge you don't already have.

Scholarship / "Like a bird in a cage , you are nothing without a good education" ; SCHOLARSHIP [4]

I don't know if it's too late to help some more, but...

You will be like a bird in a cage without a good education.

and

That was my first obstacle in college; shortly after, my grandfather died. His death was very hard for me to cope with, but I vowed to honor his memory.

Scholarship / 'following through with hard work' - why do you deserve this sponsorship? [4]

I deserve this sponsorship because I will work hard and do whatever it takes to achieve my dreams and goals. I trust in myself and believe that this sponsorship will be the foundation I need to build a better me.This scholarship will enable to become an inspiration for others through my academic success.

You need to be a little more specific about what your dreams and goals actually are, and why you want to achieve them so badly. How will the scholarship "build a better you"? What specifically will the scholarship be paying for? These are all questions you should be answering through your paragraph.

Scholarship / I have a strong desire for Geophysics; personal statement [2]

Maybe you could talk about your interest in the environment or the earth as a child and any other factors besides your high school classes that made you interested in the field. Or how you came to discover Geophysics at all.

Graduate / A great journey began when I was 8 years old; Statement of Purpose [5]

A great journey began when I was eight years old.It started the moment I first set my hands on a computer. [Describe what you did with the computer that first time.]

I find computers very interesting. I enjoy them , learn from them , explore them, and spend a lot of time with them.With the help of computers, I can predict the future and try to see the invisible[Why do you want to predict the future? And what invisible things are you trying to see?]I realized that the world of technology develops faster than any other world;it is a world whereideasand innovations grow more rapidly than even inventions. So I decided to make computers my passion, and I obtained my Bachelor's degree in Computer Science .

In college, I was naturally interested in exploring computer science further and sharpening my logic skills. I have been working in this area for almost four years. I really enjoyed my studies and seriously want to learn everything related to computers . My main desire is to make useful computer software that simplifies people's lives .

While I was still a student, I served as an assistant to my college's sophomores.In my fifth semester, I thought[This is the wrong word; can you clarify what you mean?] Object Oriented Programming Language and Client Server. I really enjoyed it because it was an opportunity to learn how to interact with , influence, and teach people. [How did you interact, influence, and teach people?]As I learn and explore computer science, it has changed my way of thinking, I frequently implement the analytic skills I have gained in every problem that I face so I could consider all the possibilities of a situation, not only the advantages but also the consequences .

After earning my Master's degree,I plan to pursue a PhD . From there , I will likely pursue my next dream of becoming an entrepreneur.In this profession, I will make all of my great ideas a reality;I will be quick to make,quick to serve.

I look forward to continuing my research career as a PhD student. Above are a few of the problems that motivate me;I plan to continue working on them . In addition, as has happened frequently at MIT, interacting with members of your theory group and experienced professors will give me an invaluable opportunity to broaden my horizons and work in many research areas. Given my background, I believe I am in a good position to make a crucial contribution in such pursuits.

Graduate / I believe this is the right time in my career to pursue a Masters degree in Public Health - SoP [4]

[India has changed tremendously in terms of technology and social reform in the last couple of decades.However , India's health services still need to be systematized and made more accessible to all strata of society . The second most populated country in the world finds it difficult to control epidemics;this is largely due to unpreparedness on part of the health authorities.]

I really have no complaints! This was very well-written and engaging. The only thing I would say is that your opening sentences (the bracketed paragraph) seems a little out-of-place. The paragraph about swine flu's impact on your country would make a very powerful opening. I'd suggest switching the first two paragraphs. Also, you present a problem (unpreparedness of health authorities); I feel like that's what you hope to solve with your studying Public Health, but you should state that in the paragraph.

Writing Feedback / Are rich people generally more happy than poor people? [5]

I'd just Google search "Wealth and happiness" and use what you find to develop an argument. I'd argue that there's a medium income range that brings the greatest amount of happiness. You'd have to discuss why extreme poverty would make people unhappy, as well as why extreme wealth might not lead to happiness.

Graduate / Statement of Intent for MSc Control Systems/University of Calgary [2]

Maybe this will make it a little clearer?

My primary interest in control techniques was developed through various projects and my professional experience, as I seek to encounter and solve real-world problems.

Grammar, Usage / 'Class who is absent..' - Which is more appropriate to say? [14]

Definitely "Class, who is absent today?" "Class, do we have absent today?" is not grammatically correct at all.

I don't know how it works in college classrooms, but high school teachers usually have a list of names that they will read. People who are in class will raise their hand or say, "Here" or "Present." So teachers don't ask who is not there; they ask who is there. I don't know if students will be able to identify all the students that are not there.

Writing Feedback / I'm a mechanical engineer; Academic background and work experience [3]

I am a mechanical engineer. I had been trained regularly and methodically in the mechanical branch at the University of Transport and Communications . I graduated on October8 , 2010. I have been working for PHU Machinery, LTD. for two years and two months. There, I work in the mechanical workshop and solve any problems occurring within the company. The first eight months, I was responsible for supervising repair works, which includes analyzing and judging specifically daily works for quality, as well asrating progress and workers' labour attitudes . I also found out and createdmaintenance processes for mechanical equipment . To elaborate, I created effective maintenance processes for the most important equipment,a few of which were tailored for equipment working in extremely hot environments . Finally,I created the enclosed repair processes for all important equipment, which are difficult to dismount, when necessary.