Undergraduate / Want to make a difference in the World; Why am I the perfect candidate? [3]

I would suggest that you start this essay with a description of your reaction when you heard that your father had diabetes or your uncle had Parkinson's, and how the diseases changed their lives and made you want to become a researcher. Then explain that you want to join the program to cure people suffering from diseases.

(Keep in mind, though, that if the program you are applying to is medicine-related, then probably every student applying wants to help people suffering from diseases.)

Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

It was my pleasure :D

Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

I think that instead of creating an elaborate explanation or metaphor for what you're trying to say, you should write the essay around an experience that shows that you are one of the three things. But I do like the idea of changing "move" to mean that you are pursuing your maximum potential instead of the cliched "move" of impacting other people.

Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

Hmm... Maybe you should just write that you are immovable then, and discuss how to move others, you have to be a thinker first, and how "thinker" is what you primarily define yourself as. Paradoxically, being immovable in your thoughts and goals is the best way to move others; that's a more direct way of saying it.

Hope that was helpful; I don't think you should abandon your idea unless you really want to.

Undergraduate / Meaningful Coincidences, Steve Jobs Connecting the Dot NUS Essay [3]

The prompt asks you for an experience or activity that you do which is related to Psychology, not necessarily how you became interested in pursuing Psychology. The college admissions officers want to know why you want to study it and know that you are committed to your intended major. I would suggest focusing on your Integrated Facility Management experience or your overseas work attachment and describe how that made you more passionate about Psychology.

Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

I'm kind of on the fence about your approach. On one hand, it's cool that you connected the three classes to thoughts, words, and actions. But then you talk about how it is important to develop your thoughts before you act. But while people's thoughts should be immovable, or people who are immovable only think and never act, whether or not you think before you act does not actually have anything to do with being a person who moves. So spending your essay talking about that is a little confusing to me.

Undergraduate / I maintain all As & in the top 10; Earlham C- Why I'm academically prepared! [3]

I maintain almost all A's and rank in the top ten at my school. In this current school year, I have also devoted a lot of time to extracurricular activities, clubs, volunteering, and teaching. I have demonstrated an ability to perform competently during classroom activities and lectures. although, I believe that I did not perform not even close to my utmost ability, however,because I feel that I was not challenged to perform to my fullest capacity; I seek to attend Earlham College because I believe that it will challenge me. .

Overall, you did a good job of answering the prompt. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / BAD History - Explaining Academic Dismissal [10]

I really like your first two paragraphs; it's just a matter of reducing the extra descriptions.

Amazing essay, powerful story; I hope you get in wherever you're seeking to go.

Undergraduate / Tastes/ Languages/ Religions; Summer Internship - Diversity; Interests/ Background [3]

You're kind of skimming over the surface of "diversity" here. I think a lot of students at the college you're applying to are equally curious, interested in other cultures, and like trying new things. I would recommend picking one thing and really explaining how it shaped what you think is important, what you want to do with your life, or what you're good at so that colleges will know that you aren't just going to spend your four years either in a classroom or in your dorm room.

Undergraduate / My life time goal has always been to own a restaurant; GOALS (350 Words) [3]

You should also elaborate on why owning a restaurant is your dream in the first place.

Undergraduate / I wasn't a strong testtaker; PERSONAL INFO, HARDSHIPS / CHALLENGES / OPPORTUNITIES [4]

I like it better under Topic A because Topic C asks you to relate your hardships to thins like "abilities," "academic credentials," and "achievements or talents." However, to make Topic C work, you need to elaborate more on your past relationship with your mother and write about how she influenced who you are and what you want to do in the future.)

Essays / Rules about using 'I statements' for a hook [4]

College essays and personal statements should be written in the first person, so I could not imagine why it would be incorrect to use an I statement in the first sentence...

Undergraduate / Career in the computing industry ; Goals at Queen's University and beyond [3]

Hmm... This is the prompt:


What you wrote was a "Why I want to go to Queen's" essay, which is different. Stick to the prompt. What do you want to learn at Queen's? What clubs and activities do you want to participate in? What specific career do you want to pursue; where do you see yourself in ten or twenty years? Or, if you aren't sure, do you think Queen's can help you figure it out?

Undergraduate / Sinking Deep into the labyrinths of my mind lays an itch- WHY Uchicago? [4]

[Moved from]: Deep in the labyrinths of my mind lies an itch

A. I like the Superman-Batman one better.

B. The beginning of your essay is definitely very engaging, and I like the way you connected it to your (Extracurricular? Job?) teaching children. Maybe I would like to know more about the upbringing that made you so driven to pursue knowledge, as well as the details of your teaching (Where is this? How long have you been teaching?). The end is still a little generic; I know you already talk about UChicago in another essay, but all the things you described could be found in most colleges.

Thus, by providing me with a challenging curriculum, the University of Chicago is a stimulating center where I seek to intellectually thrive and learn the true concept of education.

Why do you think UChicago can teach you the true concept of education? What do you think the true concept of education is?

Scholarship / Exploration is key; U Michigan - Bell Scholarship [3]

I agree with Chelchelch. The way you presented your dual interest in engineering and medicine makes me uncertain about how well you would use the money, and I'm sure scholarship essay readers would feel the same.

Instead, write about how you are interested in engineering and medicine, and then elaborate on how you think engineering could be important to the medical field (Biomedical engineering could be the next innovative way to treat cancer or help people with disabilities, for example).

Also, write a little more about you. Why do you want to be an engineer, and why do you want to be a doctor? It's more than just liking the subjects; what do you want to generally do with your life (help people, invent something, etc.)?

Undergraduate / Chartered Accountant - Schulich School-Business Admin [9]

Remember, this essay is not "Tell us what you want to study at the Schulich School of Business." It's "Tell us why you want to study at the Schulich School of Business." You have to do some research into the school, it's teaching methods and opportunities, offered courses, etc. to let them know why of all the business schools in the country, you chose that one.


I like this sentence, but almost everyone would write about how they want to go to a college because it has "diversity" and a "world-class reputation".

Undergraduate / I am proud to say that I have good study habits - UW Madison [2]

To many people, grades are very important. I would be one of the people who agree that the grades people receive in school play a vital role in their futures . Grades may seem like just a letter on a report card that students receive four times a year, but they are more than that to me; grades reflect a person's progress in a class. Every time a quarter ends, I eagerly await seeing my report card. To me, the grades I get show that my hard work has paid off.

Q: I have been struggling on writing on writing a book for high school students, which will be presented on my graduation ceremony coming up in two months. I have been struggling with the outline but its tiring writing it. I want suggestions on the content and sections under each content. I will be grateful with the help. Before I forget here is the name of the book " Habits of highly successful students" or "practice of an effective student".

A: you could include a whole module on case studies of past successful students.. you know, you could interviewing them and writing up a list of what we need to do to be an effective learner. just an opinion. :) good luck

Undergraduate / 'I move. I change. I create.' - UPenn Ben Franklin essay [4]

I agree with Epsilon; I would definitely elaborate on what things you do that support you labeling yourself a mover, and how you developed into that kind of person.

Undergraduate / TRAVEL to the USA; Umass Lowell & Umass Amherst -EXTRACURRICULAR/ WORK EXP [9]

I think you should continue with your application. Any supplement essays are just another chance to show them that you do care about applying there, and no college admissions officer will throw your application in the trash if they see a typo. They get that you are an international student and that sometimes, things slip past the radar. More than anything else, your writing emitted a lot of sincerity, which will by itself be a nice wake-up from all the cheesy writing they've gotten before. Also, I'm sure that isn't the worst essay they've ever read.

You want "success"; that's clear from your essay. Don't let the fear of failure or rejection stop you from reaching it. Good luck.

Undergraduate / MEXICAN AMERICAN/ALFREDO QUINONES-HINOJOSA; Experiences -Promotion of DIVERSITY [5]

Maybe I would just focus on your experience working at the clinic and your impression of Dr. QuiĂąones-Hinojosa, which is the latter 199 words of your essay, and build off of that, writing how he showed you that diversity is not passive like the color of your skin; it's an action, the stereotypes you challenge and the people you influence. And then you can work in the open-mindedness you learned as an American, and elaborate on ways you will use open-mindedness and your understanding of diversity on a campus and in a medical career.

Scholarship / "GIVING THEM A FIGHTING CHANCE", CHCI LATINO SCHOLARSHIP [2]

I am blown away by the eloquence and power of your essay and your story! I would leave it as is, since it is still under the word limit. Just one extra word:


Great job, and best of luck!

Essays / Superman: Hero, Inspiration, Tyrant, popular epigraph [6]

Very interesting to read! I'm just left a little uncertain of why you feel commercials are so important to television and to people, and why you feel so passionately about this that you wrote a whole essay about it.

Undergraduate / CONSUMPTION & BI-PRODUCTS; Petroleum Engineering SOP - University of Wyoming [7]

You could definitely put the background about the engineer in your opening paragraph.

My suggestion would be to put the paragraphs after your opening one in chronological order from grade school to now... I think it would also help if you put in what you just mentioned about your electrical engineering class. Doing those things would definitely create the impression that your passion is building from the past to the present.

And I definitely did understand that you were mathematically inclined; I don't doubt your passion for mathematics and engineering, because you made it so clear. I guess I just didn't understand why you took solace in such a different field for all of college, and what you weren't getting from that field that made you turn back to mathematics instead of just sticking with English.

Hopefully, that made sense...

Undergraduate / MEXICAN AMERICAN/ALFREDO QUINONES-HINOJOSA; Experiences -Promotion of DIVERSITY [5]

You have a very interesting background, and an interesting take on this prompt. I liked how you integrated your Mexican culture into this essay, but I would have liked to see a little more of that, as well as a little more organization in your thoughts. You could structure it by writing about being an American: how you promote diversity by listening to others' opinions and learning from others' cultures (be specific!).

Then you could write about being Mexican and elaborate on your family, heritage, or lifestyle. Then you could write about how you admire someone who broke racial stereotypes and circumstances to become a neurosurgeon. And then you could write how you want to promote diversity by breaking the status quo.

And you could conclude with how that both your open-mindedness and your desire to do whatever it takes to impact others will help you promote diversity in the future as a doctor.

Essays / Choosing a topic; RTA School of Media Research-Based Essay [4]

Are we alone? - Maybe you could get some statistics about how many people feel lonely, or research the definition of "alone". This could relate to "Are we alone in the universe?" which has to do with space research.

Albert Einstein once said, "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." How does this apply to you? - Maybe research different educational systems and analyze how they could hold some people back from learning in different ways.

A biography is where you research a person. A bibliography is where you list the authors, titles, and websites (If they're on the Internet) of all of your sources. You can Google search "Sample bibliography" for an idea of what I'm talking about. Make sure you find out whether the format you're supposed to use is MLA or APA or something...

Undergraduate / Medical ophthalmic assistant; Personal Statement-Why becoming a PA? [8]

mygoalisPA
It was my pleasure... :D

Undergraduate / AMAZING OPPORTUNITY for LOW INCOME STUDENTS; Upward Bound Bridgee [7]

Hmmm... I'm not the most creative person out there, but it depends on whether you want to have UB reach out to the community or teach them something, or whether you want to make the people in UB closer, or whether you want to bring other people to UB. I don't know what kinds of things you like to do or are good at, whether you'd rather plan an event or create something, so that part has to be up to you...

As for your goal to be a teacher, I think it doesn't matter if you repeat yourself a little. You don't have to present four different parts of yourself; your answers can complement each other. The first one would maybe have to have more emphasis on what you want to teach, what kinds of things you've done to start working on that goal, as well as any accomplishments you've earned. The third one would maybe be more of a narrative about how you've been a role model to others.

Undergraduate / Medical ophthalmic assistant; Personal Statement-Why becoming a PA? [8]

Anything worth doing at all is worth doing well. This is the motto that has constantly driven me.

I first used it when I faced the frustration of learning English in a school where non-English(Do you mean students who aren't majoring in English, or students who do not speak English?)students could only take two years of English classes, instead of four years like English majors. I could have stuck with the program and slowly transitioned from Chinese (?) to English. Instead, I supplemented my education by spending hours practicing my English in Internet chat-rooms. As a part-time job, I tutored Americans (?) in Chinese and Chinese people in English (?). Summers and winter holidays, I became an interpreter for tourists, students, and businessmen. I came to America (?) with ______ knowledge of English and graduated from ________ speaking English more fluently than those who had majored in English. Not only has my dedication helped me earn my first career as an interpreter, but it has also shown me that having initiative and responsibility can produce amazing results.

I thought of my motto again the day I met Maria during my shift at ______'s ophthalmology practice.Seventy years old and confined to a wheelchair, shewas suffering from excruciating pain in her lower back. (Describe what made you aware of this.) The pain was so intense that she could not even be transferred to the exam chair for refraction. What even worse was that Maria could not be seen for her pain because her doctor's schedule was full for the next two weeks. (How did you feel upon hearing that?)

Even in an ______ (eye clinic?), I frequently saw and heard ofof people suffering from ________ like Maria.My job as a medical ophthalmologist assistant was rewarding, but I found myself wanting totake on a role inhealthcare that would allow me to help people suffering from ______ . The strength of my desire convinced me that I was ready to expand my medical knowledge. I thought back to my experience of working with a physician assistant in different specialties dutring my clinical rotation for ______'s(What school?) medical assistant program, and drew from my understanding of the PA profession.My goal soon becameclear: Iwant tore-enter the medical fieldand become a physician assistant.

My educational background is a Bachelor's degree in Chinese Language and Literature . I have had a successful career as an English-Chinese interpreter and have utilized my bilingual skill at work in both China and the U.S.A.I struggled with understanding _____ and _____, so my GPA suffered as a result. However, I left _______ (college) communication skills, which have helped me immensely in being a good healthcare provider. [Examples of how you have used communication effectively as an ophthalmologist.]

[You need a smoother transition from your Chinese degree to your love of and proficiency in science. For example...]I first became interested in medicine when...[I am fascinated by the intricacy of human blood cells and the cells of many other different types of human tissues.and I love figuring out the relationship between cells' morphology and function . Studying bacterial sensitivity and resistance to antibiotics, testing the Rh factors of different blood types, assisting with bone marrow biopsies , and so many other things have helped me better understand the human body and human diseases. It was the academic knowledge that made me be aware of infection control, affection of systemic diseases on vision, and reactions between systemic and ocular medications when working on the patients.](I think you are listing too many things in this paragraph. Cut down on some of the examples in between the red brackets.)My passion for science and medicine allowed me to leave my medical assistant program and science prerequisites with a 3.96 GPA and help other students by tutoring them in Chemistry and Biology.

During my PA shadowing in the Primary Care , Orthopedics , and General Surgery [portions of my medical assistant program?] , I focused on the role of PAs in a healthcare team and how patients responded to PAs. PA may perform comprehensive exam, order and interpret diagnostic test, assist surgery, share pre and post-operation treatments with physicians and under physician's supervision.(You don't need to list a PA's jobs; this is a PA school.) I realized that patients have strong faith in a knowledgeable and professional PA (What showed you that?) . I like the fact that a PA establishes a rapport with different generations of the same family just like a doctor does,as well as the fact that a PA can work independently while still being a team player. This knowledge affirmed my desire to become a PA even further.

I have the academic and communication skills to become a physician assistant. But more than that, I have the desire to be not just a PA, but a great PA. "Anything that is worth doing is worth doing well." I want to do more than routine checkups; I want to do everything possible reduce the number of people who have to live with ________ like Maria. I want to not just go to any old PA school; I want to go to the best one. I want to go to ______.(Saying you wanted to be a competitive PA student and a competent PA was OK, but you should try to do something like this, to have an end paragraph that brings back all the other things you talked about, to tie your PS up and end it with your desire to go to the school.)

Undergraduate / AMAZING OPPORTUNITY for LOW INCOME STUDENTS; Upward Bound Bridgee [7]


Yes, please!

Writing Feedback / CLIMATE CHANGE AND GLOBAL WARMING [2]

I think you did a good job of addressing all of your points. Do you need an introduction before your background, because background information generally goes in the introductory paragraph, and your first paragraph would make a good introduction. As for a conclusion, just reiterate that people may not be able to see anything wrong with the Earth right now, but climate change is still a pressing issue that needs to be addressed immediately, because the most important and lasting gift we can give the future a healthy Earth... Or something like that.

Undergraduate / AMAZING OPPORTUNITY for LOW INCOME STUDENTS; Upward Bound Bridgee [7]


I hate that question so much... My advice would be to treat as "Why it would mean the world to me to get this?" not as "What makes me more special than any of my competitors?" because everyone might qualify financially, but everyone has different passions. Write what you plan to do with it. How will you use that two-class opportunity to make your dreams come true, to prove something to yourself or to others, to help you reach the future you want for yourself, or to help you make the impact you want to make on the world?

What you write doesn't have to be as intense as the question sounds (Avoid words like "passionate," "determination," "driven," etc.), but to avoid the cliched answers ("I want to become a doctor," "I want to end world hunger," etc.), you have to dig deep and find the answer that only you have.

As for your project proposal, I think a PowerPoint might be the best (easy, accessible through the Internet), especially if they want you to make a presentation with it, but you could also do a poster or a video, I guess.

Undergraduate / CONSUMPTION & BI-PRODUCTS; Petroleum Engineering SOP - University of Wyoming [7]

Overall, it's good. I just want to know more about how someone so seemingly into literature and art could make such a jump into engineering, as well as what the applications of petroleum really are and why you want to become a petroleum engineer.

Undergraduate / "Imitation is suicide" ; Berkeley's HAAS business school U Transfer/ Personal [7]

Content-wise, I think you did an excellent job. You answered the question thoroughly, and even though you articulate well why you haven't fought the status quo, you also show how hard you are trying and how important you think the issue is. You also connect it back to business, which is a nice bonus!

Writing Feedback / Adolescence - Are parents the best teachers? No they are not. [4]

I believe that parents are not always the best teachers for us, but they are the most special teachers.

For example, there are many kinds of conflicts between parents and children when the children become teenagers(Like what?) . Adolescence is full of new and complicated feelings (Like what?),and many teenagers feel like no one else can understand what they are going through sometimes . At this time, some parents don't understand us like friends can . Teenagers' best teachers are friends because they help us when we feel disappointed, sad,or terrible (How?) .

Additionally , a child will be better trained with a systematic education. In school, we can learn professional subjects (Like what?) and we can meet friends (How will these things train us better?) . There are also many processes(Like what?) to improve our social knowledge and teach us life skillsto prepare us for adulthood and parenthood ourselves .

All this is not to say that knowledge from parents is useless. They are always at our side and give valuable advice . So, we have to rely on what we learned from parents (But... You can't just end your essay here, otherwise you change your stance on the essay.)

Undergraduate / I could not escape my twisted fate; RICHMOND APP; EXPERIENCE [10]

It was my pleasure! I applied to URichmond for fun too, so hopefully the admissions officers will be in the mood for some unconventional writing!

Scholarship / Essay for Freshman Scholarships [4]

You mentioned many things your parents have taught you, and they seem a little unorganized. I think your essay would be more powerful if you just focused on one or two lessons.

I like the part where you mentioned that you will be the first one to go to college in your immediate family. A suggestion would be to make that one of the first things you write. Then you could write how because your parents did not go to college, they...

A. Understood and taught you that a college education is important (how they help you with schoolwork, taught you preparation skills, etc.)

But B. they also understood and taught you that you get some of the most important lessons not from school, but from life (playing with your stepfather taught you that there is a time for everything, your mother taught you perseverance, etc.)

Undergraduate / ENGLISH/Physics/Standing up/Day & night; GMS Essays Feedback [4]


Talking about reading is a bit of a cliched topic, and you didn't dig very deep into why you loved reading so much, the kinds of things you read, what you've written, or what your parents did for you (I wouldn't call reading to your child every night "daunting"), but you definitely answered the prompt.


I like it! It's much more specific, and is an original take on what could have been a cliched topic.


This is an interesting one; I feel like many people would have gone straight to discrimination, but this is an everyday example that so many people can relate to, and you did a good job of presenting it!


I saw your short-term goals as more of long-term goals, and I think they were looking for you to get more specific, like what were you planning on majoring in in college, or what do you want to do for a career?


Another original take on the prompt, although I had a little difficulty connecting your willingness to help your grandfather with leading people. I wish I had seen the goals in #5 in #4, but by itself, I really like this essay...


I like this one! Nice descriptions at the beginning, and the lessons you learned were very unique.


Though this was well-written, I wish you had written more about the knowledge or skills part. Unless you had meant that you learned to relax and appreciate nature, which wasn't clearly stated.


Creatively written! But an example of your open-mindedness would have been nice.

Overall, I'm sure you'll be fine. Almost every essay is refreshing in that it presents a piece of you in a refreshing way, and your essays were interesting to read. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / Leap of faith to Rice University - What motivated you to apply to Rice University? [4]

This essay says a lot about why you want to go to a college, but it doesn't say enough about why you want to go to Rice. Of the thousands of colleges in America, what made you pick it? What are you interested in studying there? What kinds of clubs or opportunities does it have that you are interested in? Every college has diversity and intellectual interest.

Undergraduate / I could not escape my twisted fate; RICHMOND APP; EXPERIENCE [10]


Actually, thinking of how you could make your diction and syntax match your tone is extra-writery of you; I just think that when writing college essays (especially answering straightforward prompts), natural is best.


Maybe if you start by describing how your mind wanders or how you meditate on a normal day. And write that you never give life such intense thought. Then make it clear that that event pushed you into a new way of thinking, into the depths of your fears and insecurities to confront the nature of the reality you always accepted before.


I definitely caught that, but I didn't know that was the experience, because you had mentioned asking a girl out, which could also be a way you stepped out of your comfort zone.


Maybe if you wrote something about playing with fire or dancing too close to the flames, aiming for a succulent outcome but ending up with one that was burnt irreparably.

As for your metaphors, if you changed your personification to a simile and wrote "my thoughts were flighty like deer running swiftly through a forest" and then, "How can I bring my mind from the dark, cruel forest to the peace and clarity of a mountain peak?" that might be a little clearer.

It's up to you if you want to keep going; it was fun editing your essay, so I don't mind if you just disregard my comment and start fresh. I definitely got the creative part, if it makes you feel better, and I did understand what your intent was, even if it came across as a little vague. I've definitely written some college essays I intended to be works of art but ended up being extremely incoherent and too off-the-wall to convey the emotions I had in my head when I was writing it, or to really capture my personality. I thought your essay was pretty good by comparison (mine didn't even have any deep epiphanies at the end like yours did).

Undergraduate / I could not escape my twisted fate; RICHMOND APP; EXPERIENCE [10]

I think that your description of being rejected by a girl, while sympathy-provoking, is a bit intense for a college essay. Based on this piece of writing, I can picture you falling into some deep and dramatic depression every time you fail at something, and even though you said you'd realized that you should take failure with an optimistic perspective, you spent so much time convincing me that you were so depressed, I have trouble believing that you will change.

Overall, this was a very interesting--if not a little concerning--essay. Hope these comments were helpful!