Undergraduate / My mother's influence; Person with Significant Influence [5]

Never write about your mom in your college essays. Who cares about your mom. This essay is about you, the colleges are not admitting your mom derp de derp.

Undergraduate / Explaining my gap years; does this make sense? [4]

Wallflower should be under topic of your choice.

This process took approximately two years. Since mM y original plans to start university the fall after my graduation did not occur. However, out of commitment to my education, I decided to continue my education by self-studyingstudying by myself for exams during this period.

Undergraduate / 'Jessica' - a moment when your perspective changed; BROWN U [8]

Found the article about Jessica... It's real.

Undergraduate / Who will cry when i die?; I always ask this question [5]

^He did my job. Good essay.

Grammar was bad but I think Mr. Henry here did his job right.

Undergraduate / Val- Kill / Gaining confidence & speaking skills/ My dad ;Barnard Sup [5]

Victoria, I suggest putting this out in three sections.

I will edit them individually. This is way too many words for one post.

Thank you.

Undergraduate / The Diary of Anais Nin; H,Y,P Supplement [11]

Yes. I am. Accepted to Harvard E-RA.

Undergraduate / I was immovable, but now I am movable; U Penn/ Ben Franklin [2]

If you are going to incorporate the idea of the carrot, you have to begin from the immovable stage. Without mentioning it in that stage, the carrot idea does not work.

Plus, your parallel does not stand for "those that move" as for the first two, you said that you were a kid and a student but the last one, you did not use a noun but rather said you will "reach the carrot".

Do not use you. This is a formal essay.

Undergraduate / The Diary of Anais Nin; H,Y,P Supplement [11]

It was the ASISC meet where all of my dedication and training paid off. Something along those lines sir.

Undergraduate / Be on a golf course without golf clubs; COMMON APP [14]

Tiffany, do not give up.

Don't listen to what others say about rewriting the essay. Add some details about yourself in the end such as This experience with my friends has taught me the true values of ... I have learned to become a calmer person. To realize in times of anxiety that I still have a bright future ahead of me. I have learned to take two steps forward every time I get knocked back one.

Something along those lines.
Send it to me afterwards. I will make sure to edit it.

Undergraduate / 'Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro' - Columbia Book Supp [8]

Why is this so dark? This is basically saying that you would stand by and not do anything about a corrupt society. Isn't your goal to make a change in society? Just some thoughts.

Undergraduate / "School for Learners"; Stanford Supp - Intellectual Vitality [8]

Bold C: I feel so good >.<

Undergraduate / The Diary of Anais Nin; H,Y,P Supplement [11]

I will get back ASAP. Reading as I type.

Undergraduate / Special needs student ; STANFORD - WHAT MATTERS TO YOU AND WHY? [16]

I will proofread your other one right now :)

Undergraduate / Books, gateways through which I escape the reality that binds me; NYU Sup/Intrigues? [14]

Yes at 11:59, but whatever the TIME ZONE of the school YOU ARE APPLYING TO is. Do not forget what time zone they are.

Undergraduate / "School for Learners"; Stanford Supp - Intellectual Vitality [8]

HAHAHHAHAHA HI RESHMA!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my god!!!

Undergraduate / Books, gateways through which I escape the reality that binds me; NYU Sup/Intrigues? [14]

Deliciously evil<--- sounds really awkward.

Ultimately, Steinbeck shows what truly sets a novel apart from the rest, an insightful plot.

I am not sure how to change your last sentence as I don't know what you mean by "deep plot".

Undergraduate / Books, gateways through which I escape the reality that binds me; NYU Sup/Intrigues? [14]

Unlike Lisa, I think your intro is very much needed to support your response as a whole. You could choose to take out the sentence about WWII, You can also take out the part about how you marvel over Steinbeck's use of "bla,bla,bla". However I suggest taking out WWII.

Undergraduate / Determination to provide my family - Common app [5]

As much as I feel for you and as touching as this is, sob stories are very risky in essay writing.
#1 Choice for a topic about someone significant is "mom, mother, motherly figure" and it is overused as much as she might have impacted you.

Most admissions officers will start reading and think to themselves, "Another one of these essays."
I suggest either changing the subject or making it more about you (more than half the essay explaining why and how it impacted and continues to impact you).

Undergraduate / I'm a foodie of a close-knit community; Brown Sup/ Community [10]

Hi Bruna :) my name is Jack Wei C:

I enjoy a selection of goods ranging from grandma's recipe of Spaghetti alla Bolognese to the classic Bolivian dish of Majadito to the Spanish saffron-seasoned Paella with clams, squid and octopus.

That should cut down some characters.

How many characters do you need to cut down after the edit?

Undergraduate / I'm a foodie of a close-knit community; Brown Sup/ Community [10]

Hey whateveryournameis, hope this helps!

You would think with my plate full, I would start digging in, but the purpose of the sit-downs around this small round glass table stretch further than to satisfy our appetites. Every meal birthsgrants me the opportunity to discuss and speak my mind freely. Sometimes I may sit quitely on my stool, but I blossom in the occasion to reflect and forge an opinion.

Way better than your old response.

Undergraduate / Psychology is alive at Cornell/ Intellectual interests, their evolution.. [5]

Hi Vanessa,
First of all, it says intellectual interests which means that you have to not only mention psychology but something else.
You also need to relate it to the College of Arts and Sciences better.
Edit these into your essay and then I will look at your grammar and diction/syntax after I eat at Qdoba. C:

*Make a second version and post it. I promise I will edit it.

Undergraduate / Our experiences define ourselves; Mercersburg Essay/ Myself at Mercersburg [7]

If you want, write it and give me a shout. I will edit it for grammar and diction/syntax.

Undergraduate / I'm a foodie of a close-knit community; Brown Sup/ Community [10]

First thing I see in this essay: Different Culture.
This is actually a very good topic to talk about.
However, I do have some criticism. First of all, "remains untouched, or worse, grows cold" does not make sense as if it remains untouched, it will grow cold in the first place.

Secondly, you did not answer the prompt fully. The admission officer understands why it is important to you. How did it shape you?
You do not say "it has taught me to become more open-minded", or "my *insert group name* has shaped me to become a more *bla* person."

I acknowledge that you participate in the group, but that is more of the purpose of the group. You have to mention something like "I used to be extremely shy and detested expressing my thought. But it all changed..." or something.

This describes what you do in the group and why it is important to you... somewhat. Despite this fact, I do not think you fully answered the prompt.

*The reason I didn't edit your response for grammar and diction/syntax was because I want you to revise it and give me a second edit.

Sorry if I'm being too blunt :/. I just like expressing my though :)

Undergraduate / Girls/ Night Walks/ Candy/ Scatter minded; Stanford Roommate [7]

Take the sex jokes out. Who do you think is reading your essay? Not a teenager.
This is a letter. Add Dear bla, or Hello Future roommate, come to the dark side. Or something to start it.

End it with your name.

Undergraduate / Our experiences define ourselves; Mercersburg Essay/ Myself at Mercersburg [7]

How do you fit for the school. Don't make the mistake of showing how the school fits for you. The school knows that it is a good school and has good programs. Show how your personality/talents/uniqueness is a great addition for the school.

I would open with something about yourself and then conclude with Mercersburg stresses the importance of *insert all the things you wrote about*. Then say something like: "At Mercersburg, I will feel at home and be surrounded with those that are similar to yet unique from me. I will be given the opportunity to express all of my ideas."

Never use maybe, I would. Be affirmative in what you are writing. Don't say: "If I get in Mercersburg, I will...", simply say: "At Mercergsburg, I will..."

Hope I helped.

Undergraduate / Be on a golf course without golf clubs; COMMON APP [14]

First of all, try not to use parentheses. Don't try, avoid them completely. It is a formal essay.
This does show that you are a person that knows how to enjoy life and take things easy.
HOWEVER, it does not show who you are as a person such as personalities or traits that you possess.
Change the last paragraph to something about: "This experience has led me to realize..." and list some of your personality traits.
^Even this is a bad strategy. You describe the golf course and sky more than yourself.

This "significant experience" isn't that significant to the admission officers as much as it might be to you. How did it really change your life? How did it impact you as a person?

Undergraduate / 'Friend's T-shirt' - How did you find out about Brown? [6]

I am embarrassed to say I Googled "Colleges with the happiest students," and the same name kept popping up on every list: Brown University. I read further and became drawn to its Biology Department as well as the vast amount of research opportunities that it offers undergraduate students.

I think it's good. I edited it.

Undergraduate / 'Friend's T-shirt' - How did you find out about Brown? [6]

I am embarrassed to say I Googled "Colleges with the happiest students," and the same name kept popping up on every list: Brown University. I read further and became drawn to its Biology Department as well as the vast amount of research opportunities that it offers undergraduate students.

Undergraduate / Commonapp EC short answer about charity works [6]

First off, the break between your call and "At the age of 11" is too sudden. The flow is off.
There has to be a transition.
At the age of 11, I met a little girl...
Explain the scenery on your journey? How does that relate to your bag on the bus? or even the pen? Elaborate.
Who is we.
You do not need to mention the faith thing or your sentence should be:
I participate in charity events with people of the same faith as me.

The shift in tone to "I did love charity events." is cold. It does not help you with admission. It literally shifts within one sentence and then suddenly goes back to the original tone.

Just some suggestions.

Undergraduate / 'Friend's T-shirt' - How did you find out about Brown? [6]

I am a bit confused. Which answer do you want to use?
The one you gave me on the other essay or this one?

Undergraduate / "Confidence"; Stanford Supp - What Matters to You [2]

Hello, we meet again C:

Great! Your last paragraph is really repetitive though, add something else that isn't repeating what you wrote over and over again :)

Sorry for a bad edit. I'm really tired. I'll do it tomorrow C:

Undergraduate / Great city/ Wide range of studies/ College experience; WHY NYU? [19]

Why NYU not why NYC. Mention some NYC but mostly NYU. What makes you want to go to the NY Campus? Describe more of the university itself.

Undergraduate / 'Jessica' - a moment when your perspective changed; BROWN U [8]

It's okay br2pi5... Some people are ignorant.

Rewrite this essay and I'll give a second edit.

Undergraduate / Explanation of what affected my academic record my jr year of high school [2]

This is really sad. D: I'm sorry for what you've gone through but I'm glad that you overcame this challenge. Remember to use past tense as this happened in the past not present.

Also, try to cut the dialogue by your friends. Instead say something like: "All my friends thought bla bla bla..."

Undergraduate / "Opinions" What Matters to You and Why- Stanford Supp. [6]

All I see are opinions... After a word count, there are 14 opinions in your essay of 344 words. You should try using synonyms.

What matters to you and why?
This is very creative. I don't think that many people are going to use opinions... in my opinion (no pun intended)...

Overall, great essay. Like lily said, repetitive.

Undergraduate / Liberal environment - the most appealing feature of Columbia [4]

First rec: mainly its LGBT. I work with the LGBT community and we rarely use Q if we do it would be LGBTQIA

Second Rec: This is sort of a risk. Even though most colleges are liberal, the admissions officers might not be. Some are extremely against LGBT.

Just some suggestions. Your essay is IMO flawless in content.

Undergraduate / I love challenges; Johns Hopkins/ Why math major? [5]

Shorten down the whole thing about the Theorem.

Undergraduate / UCHICAGO How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire [7]

haha. How did you know I was going to look at this?

First off, this essay is WAY too long. 538 words? That's an extended essay not a short response.

My EA essay was a whooping 200 words.

Your second paragraph has to be condense. Give UChicago the GENERAL idea of what it should be like. Don't write a story, hit the critical points. Don't do A, B, C, D but do A, made me realize D.

Plus UChicago knows how good its programs are. Mainly, Why Chicago? is about why YOU fit for Chicago not why Chicago fits you. Get the point? For example, I wrote about how I wanted a school to provide me with the ability to expand the capabilities of my mind and to be surrounded with those that are both similar to and unique from me.

Also, have you realized that everyone has mentioned Nobel laureates? This is because Nobel prizes etc... are the most mentioned topic in Why *insert university* essays.

"Your school has a lot of great people. It's great. I love it." Cool? Why not try something like: "At UChicago, the vastness of my mind will blossom into an endless stream of ideas."

Mention how UChicago contains the resources to put you among the greats at UChicago.

Just some thoughts.

Take em or leave em.

:)

Undergraduate / The perfect balance of everything; U Chicago/ Why? [11]

Okay. They give you a prompt. You list out the answer 1,2,3. How many people that applied to Chicago do you think will do that?
*You answer things in present tense. UChicago WILL not UChicago provides bla bla bla.
Answer: Tons.
New question asked by UChicago: What makes you unique? Why does our MAIN goal of expanding the ideas of the future generation make you want to come to UChicago?

My unorthodox method of writing for Chicago EA: For every sentence, I had "I" in front of it. I want to, I hope to, I desire to, I will. I got in.

Undergraduate / I love challenges; Johns Hopkins/ Why math major? [5]

JHU emphasizes the research and interaction between professors and students aspect of learning.
Add more about their TA program at JHU for mathematics or even the ability for you to be challenged in mathematics and learn from Nobel laureates in Mathmatics at JHU.