Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Kitsumi
Joined: Jan 1, 2013		 Last Post: Mar 9, 2013
Threads: 4
Posts: 97  

Displayed posts: 101 / page 1 of 3
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
Kitsumi   
Mar 9, 2013
Essays / Thesis for Research paper on a author (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle);Need advice! [7]

So this is your thesis: Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was very important to British literature being one of the most ambitious, prominent, brilliant men to make use of his pen and write.

Well then, you need to provide a lot of examples of Doyle being ambitious, prominent, and brilliant, particularly in the literature department. Politics, if relating to his writing, can count. But actions outside of writing won't. One example for each won't be enough.

Also, is Doyle really ambitious? He was the one that killed off Sherlock, and he only revived him because of public outcry. Was he brilliant? He believed in Spiritualism (nothing wrong with that) but then he also believed that Houdini had supernatural powers. And Doyle refused to believe Houdini that his magic tricks were just that, tricks.

Of course, I'm not saying that Doyle wasn't anything you said he was. I'm just pointing out some counter-claims to your thesis.

Anyhow, good luck with your essay.
Kitsumi   
Mar 9, 2013
Poetry / "when fate is really so true" (a piece of poetry) [11]

The nice thing about poetry is that you don't need perfect grammar, punctuation or spelling. If there are mistakes in grammar, it can just be another point of analysis; perhaps the grammar mistake is intentional and was supposed to have some sort of effect or deeper meaning.

On the other hand, grammar mistakes in narration is a big NO. And you have a lot of grammar issues in your narration. You're overusing the ... as well as the exclamation marks. It's like you don't know what a comma is. Plus, you shouldn't write all capitalized words.

So in my opinion, poetry is probably the best bet for you. If you want to drastically improve your grammar though, head for narration. The more you practice, the better your grammar will become.
Kitsumi   
Feb 20, 2013
Essays / Situation where I was not successful ; Personal Essay (8th grade portfolio) [4]

Why did you put quotation marks around your essay? You don't need to.

In essays, do not use "you", "your", or any variations of 2nd person pronouns. Reword the entire sentence, or substitute with "one" or "he or she". Such as, "When one is not successful it is because he or she made a mistake."

Also, you should not use contractions in essays.

When you say professional gaming teams, are you talking athletics? Or professional video game teams?

There are some grammar issues, do you want me to point them out too?
Kitsumi   
Feb 20, 2013
Undergraduate / Diagnosed with severe Anxiety & moderate Depression; Significant experience [3]

It's a beautifully written essay, I love the imagery and diction you used. There are just a couple things though that I'm slightly nit picky about.

1. Vary your vocabulary. If the previous phrase had the word, then try and use a different one.
2. Do not use "you" or "your".
3. Do not use contractions (so no I've, it's I have)
4. Watch your comma use. You are using the semi-colons which is very nice, but there are still some spots where the comma can be taken out.
Kitsumi   
Feb 18, 2013
Essays / Difference between Personal Statement and SOP [8]

Why do you want to find them via email?

SOP is for why you want this particular course/major/university. So if you have a particular reason why you want that particular university, that is the place to write it down. A personal statement is about what you have done, so any awards you have collected, volunteering, work experience, etc.

In other words, SOP is "why this university". PE is "why should this university choose you".
Kitsumi   
Feb 18, 2013
Book Reports / Jane Eyre Essay (how unfairly Jane Eyre, as a woman, is being treated) [5]

Are you serious? LOL good luck.

Here's a couple of questions for Jane Eyre: What does Bertha represent, the sexual side of Jane or the rebel towards society? Is it exclusive of each other? In what ways might Jane Eyre be considered a feminist novel? What is the significance of nature in Jane Eyre? Other questions can be found here: sparknotes.com/lit/janeeyre/study.html
Kitsumi   
Feb 18, 2013
Essays / how has ancient Egyptian art influence the way i view the world today? [2]

1. Expand/change/vary your vocabulary/diction/words. Using the same words over and over again desensitizes them and makes them boring instead.
2. You say it has influenced the way you view it, but I do not see how you view it in this essay.
3. Your conclusion needs a lot of work.
4. Your grammar needs a lot of work.
Kitsumi   
Jan 20, 2013
Writing Feedback / Is it good for teenagers to work? Yes, it's a Good Idea [8]

For eg, students who take

Don't use abbreviations. This just made me cringe.

for say pocket money

This interrupts the sentence flow. Also, pocket money is just extras on the side. They won't realize the importance of it until they had to feed and pay rent with money they earned themselves.

inculcates in them

You just ended the previous paragraph on inculcate. Use another word, like instil, vary your vocabulary.

Although, those who are in favor of the argument that teenagers should not work, may come up with a lot of arguments against teenagers working, I am of the opinion that teenagers who start working part time grow up into adults who are much better equipped to handle stress and expectations of today's world.

This is a gigantic run-on sentence, and also unsuited for conclusion. Do not bring up new points (arguments against teenagers working), just summarize what you previously wrote.

You also need to watch your comma usage. You use them too much, and it sounds very choppy.
Kitsumi   
Jan 18, 2013
Essays / An comparative essay between Hamlet and Waiting for Godot and how it relates to life. [3]

Style is always something that can be commented on. Hamlet is written in Elizabethan English in the time of Queen Elizabeth I, and Godot is written in post WWII France. How did its circumstances affect its style? Are they same, and in what way? Are they different, and in what way?

What is your central interpretation?
Kitsumi   
Jan 13, 2013
Undergraduate / Striving to gain KNOWLEDGE ; Mac Health Science - Meaning of "Well Educated"? [2]

Do you have an example of a week-educated person? You say,

They make strenuous efforts to remove obstacles in the paths of others and strive to bring success in the lives of others. Most importantly, though, well-educated people impart their knowledge to ensure that others obtain the means to take care of themselves

So what are some examples of these types of people? Can you give specific names? Does Bill Gates count as well-educated? Does Warren Buffet? Warren Buffet doesn't give his knowledge to others (as far as I know anyways), and does he really remove obstacles for others?

Does the impact have to be global? What if the impact was restricted to a community, would that person still be well-educated?
Kitsumi   
Jan 13, 2013
Undergraduate / Why Swarthmore? - my interpretation of the topic based on different personas [3]

I see a wall of text, and it's a bit intimidating. Can you separate it into two paragraphs at least? Begin it at "As a student".

fully realize what I am seeing.

Do not use "you" in your essay, it's informal.

I want to challenge allthe predisposed ideas I hold, and to meet new people from all different types of cultural, ethnic, and socioeconomic backgrounds, whether through joining a culture club, competing for a spot in College Bowl team, or simply having a reflective get together at Crum Henge

This is a run-on sentence, and can be separated.

I have done extensive volunteering work in my local hospital

I don't really see how this applies to anything you mentioned before and after this phrase. Are you going to volunteer at Swarthmore too, or around the community of Swarthmore?

This is a nice short essay, and answers the question. Just... in some cases I feel that you're overusing the word "Swarthmore".

Can you like this post please? Thanks.
Kitsumi   
Jan 13, 2013
Undergraduate / Anti-Bullying Club; George Mason and Virginia Tech [5]

The last paragraph is the beginning of your answer, you just spent the first two describing the event that lead to your failure.
How did you rise above it? You formed an anti-bullying club, and that's it? Have you ever stood up to a bully yourself later on, as a by-stander? When you were put into the same position, did you act differently?
Kitsumi   
Jan 13, 2013
Undergraduate / Bridge hanging between Western and Eastern culture; Why Brandeis? [3]

This is a very well written essay. It answers the prompt, and it is fairly unique to Brandeis. There's just a couple of issues.

Bacon once said

Can you include the first name as well? Bacon is a very popular pork product, and while I know it's the name of some philosopher I just got distracted.

reference from the history

Boththe Song Dynasty in 11 A.D and the P.R.C in 1960' s

protection of their economy

I am so ambitious that I want to figure out the connection between the past and the present of the entire world, especially the four great ancient civilizations in particular .

I want to know why

Fortunately, I found Brandeis

of middle-east

the Middle East (capitalize)

Brandeis is like the amicable elder who raises her children beside the vivid but historical city of Boston (I thought Brandeis is in the Middle East?)

I hope I will have the honor to name Brandeis as my alma mater and use what Brandeis offered me to make the history. we are making better.

Can you like this post please? Thanks.
Kitsumi   
Jan 13, 2013
Letters / COVER LETTER for an industry post-doctoral fellow position. [2]

I obtained doctoral degree in HHH department from the YYYY University

Depending on what you're substituting in, I think it should be:
I obtained my doctoral degree in the department of HHH, from the University of YYYY (or) from YYYY University.

of our interest

Who is this "our" you speak of?

first and foremost structural study on the expressed protein

experimental conditions in E. coli expression platform

Should there be a "the" between "in" and "E. coli"? Alternatively, do you mean to say "experimental conditions in E. coli expression platforms "?

four co-author publications and two first author publications submitted for review.

Switch the order around, so the more relevant (two first author publications) are read first.

I will look forward for a personal interview.

Can you "like" my posts please? Thank you.
Kitsumi   
Jan 12, 2013
Undergraduate / Anti-Bullying Club; George Mason and Virginia Tech [5]

Spell out numbers and do not use contractions. I know it increases word count, but you don't want to be too informal.

How did you learn? Talking and having a club is one thing, actually acting on your advice is another. Did you ever apologize to your friend? Did you confront the bullies? Did you report them to the teacher? You gave a nice summary/story about what happened (paragraph 1 and 2) but a very short paragraph about what you learned/did. You might want to expand on that a bit more?

If you show what you learned from this, it'll be fine for the other university too.

btw, can you like my comment? Thanks.
Kitsumi   
Jan 12, 2013
Book Reports / Punctuation of Life of Pi essay; Denison supp [4]

Are you going to put the quotation marks around "the better story", or not?
Other than that, it's fine like that. Can you like a couple of my previous comments, so that I can delete some of my threads? Thanks.
Kitsumi   
Jan 10, 2013
Undergraduate / Hospital intern in research lab; Extracurricular/ work experiences [3]

What is your prompt? Just describe one activity, or many in general? You don't need to say what the Dr. does, just what YOU do for her.

It is a bit bland, but desk work normally is. Perhaps use some imagery words? Compare your experience with the growth of a flower/plant/thing?
Kitsumi   
Jan 10, 2013
Book Reports / Punctuation of Life of Pi essay; Denison supp [4]

The life of Pi Patel has challenged me to choose the "the better story". The better life.
That works. Just don't put a semi-colon before the quotation mark.

Alternatively, you can put it on the next line. E.g.

The life of Pi Patel has challenged me to choose the "the better story".

The better life.

Although that feels slightly incomplete.
Kitsumi   
Jan 9, 2013
Graduate / Researching communication disorders/ Speech-Language Pathology; Personal Statement [4]

This essay answers the prompt well, and clearly shows your experiences. There's only two things I like to point out.
1. Can you separate the first paragraph into two or more paragraphs? It's a really big block of text right now, and a little bit daunting to look at.

2.

I would be an asset to the University

I will be an asset to the University
Kitsumi   
Jan 9, 2013
Undergraduate / UNC - Chapel Hill Supplement Essay: Message in a Bottle [2]

This is a beautifully written essay. I just have a couple comments.
1. Do not use "you". This is a formal essay (even if it's personal), so don't use "you". You already used "one", so why not continue on using "one"? Or re-phrasing the sentence.

2. Do not use contractions. So, no don't, can't, I've, etc.
3.

living is about finding the magic in the world that makes your soul sore and it is about breaking away from the binds of routine and making things happen

Maybe break it up into two sentences, or finding some other way of connecting the second idea? This doesn't flow right currently.
Kitsumi   
Jan 9, 2013
Book Reports / Hamlet Theme Essay Introduction Help [7]

Think, how is betrayal evident in Hamlet? There's Claudius' rise to the throne; Gertrude's marriage to Claudius; Rosencrantz and Guildestern's betrayal of Hamlet; Ophelia's betrayal of Hamlet; and so much more. Just pick one of them (or all of them) and talk about how it lead to the end.
Kitsumi   
Jan 9, 2013
Undergraduate / Planning, worrying, and executing - Georgia Tech /"Best advice I've ever received" [4]

Huh, interesting. Learn something new everyday!
Just another point I missed;

worry and self-doubt are not only essential, but good.

I understand where worry is coming from, since you mentioned it through out the essay. But self-doubt feels like it just came out of nowhere. Do you think you can incorporate it a bit earlier on in the essay?
Kitsumi   
Jan 9, 2013
Undergraduate / Planning, worrying, and executing - Georgia Tech /"Best advice I've ever received" [4]

for the life of me I couldn't tell you where I heard it

This is too informal for this essay. Do not use "you", "for the life of me" is colloquialism, and do not use contractions. This actually applies to your entire essay, as you have many of them.

Vary your vocabulary. Try words other than "endeavor".

midst of essaying it

essaying? You mean, writing the essay, or the french verb for "trying"?

This is a very well written essay! Just don't use "you" in it, especially with the math test example. It is informal, and while I realize your tone is not exactly formal, you don't want to de-formalize it even further.
Kitsumi   
Jan 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / Hardships of university studies than schools: IELTS prepartion essay [11]

I think you mean dorms? Most university/college students in Canada stay in dorms, dormitories, rented houses or apartments. Hostels generally refer to cheap tourist lodgings primarily catering to backpackers and travellers. en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hostel
Kitsumi   
Jan 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / Hardships of university studies than schools: IELTS prepartion essay [11]

You mentioned the government, but they were not alluded to in your introduction or conclusion. Integrate them more.
Also; parents should not NEED to help their kids in universities. That's the whole point of high school, so the kids learn to be independent. Raising a child to be dependent on the parent forever is not the point of parenting. I'm not saying drop the contact forever, but they don't need to know about every little thing the student does.
Kitsumi   
Jan 8, 2013
Writing Feedback / The trend that damages our quality of life: Multinational Companies [8]

The prompt is asking you how much you agree/disagree. You haven't mentioned anything, you just listed the pros and the cons.
Do not use contractions.
Check your vocabulary. Some words may have the right meaning, but only in certain contexts.
I realize that the prompt is saying, "This trend is seriously damaging our quality of life", so I suppose using "us" is okay. As this is a subjective essay, try and add in personal experiences or your own thoughts.
Kitsumi   
Jan 7, 2013
Undergraduate / City life/ Architecture/ Diverse culture; How UChicago satisfy my desires [5]

What is so different about UC though? I mean, there must be other colleges in Chicago, why specifically UC? If I replace UC with the name of another college in Chicago, will the essay still be understandable? If so, then you need to do some more research about WHY UC fits you.

Also, what is it that you hope to do in the future? And how will UC help you accomplish that goal?
Kitsumi   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Harry Potter and the Acts of Folly [11]

And the third one is up here

Thank you all so much for your help! I'd probably sound like a dictionary to those admission folks without your inputs...
Kitsumi   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Harry Potter and the Acts of Folly [11]

lol Okay, thank you :)
although the more I read this essay the more off topic I feel I sound. Argh. And even worse, I just got another good idea about this essay, so draft 3 may be coming soon to a thread near you!
Kitsumi   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Harry Potter and the Acts of Folly [11]

Deus Ex Machina is a common plot device used by most movie/novel/plot that is fictional. It's not Harry Potter specific at all. And what's general about Harry Potter? In Narnia, the kids had a battle plan. Alice in Wonderland? There's no logic in it anyways. Transformers? They knew what had to be done at least. James Bond? He's a trained agent. Harry Potter? NO plan, NO advice, only a vague, cryptic answer left by a dead man. Heck, Harry went into the confrontation expecting to DIE. As in, his PLAN was to die. I don't think that's common in other generic movies.
Kitsumi   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / The patients are my motivation ; PERSONAL STATEMENT/ nursing transfer [3]

It's a nice essay, but you haven't said WHY you transferred. What program WERE you in? What dissatisfied you about that previous program? What do you think will happen in the new program? THOSE are the questions the prompt is hoping that you would answer as well.
Kitsumi   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Harry Potter and the Acts of Folly [11]

I don't really have space to write all that in 1500 characters or less.
And what do you mean by smiggle anyways?

Also, do you know anything about Harry Potter? If you don't, then can you tell me if you understand this essay even without reading a synopsis of it? Thanks.
Kitsumi   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Harry Potter and the Acts of Folly [11]

I forgot to mention my main concern about this essay though. What if the readers don't know anything about Harry Potter? If I say First year, would the readers know how young the cast is? If I mention dementors and the reader have no idea what a dementor is, then I'm screwed. I tried to make this as vague as possible so that non-Harry Potter readers can understand too.

And again, it's America vs. the World. Artefact is used everywhere except for the US.
Kitsumi   
Jan 6, 2013
Undergraduate / Harry Potter and the Acts of Folly [11]

I'm over the limit by 282 characters. I think this draft expresses my passion about Harry Potter rather well. lol Does it make sense? I feel that I'm repeating "an act of folly" too much in the first paragraph.

What do you consider to be an act of folly? Explain why. 1500 character limit with punctuations and spaces.
In my opinion, folly is a synonym for foolishness, unnecessary, and a lack of common sense. Passing acts of folly onto other people is also folly in itself. An act of folly is usually something others make an example out of; actions that are exemplars of dangerous, foolish or unnecessary acts. The morals of those types of stories typically end with the protagonists learning their lesson, and never doing them again.

Not so for Harry Potter and his little band of friends, it seems.

As eleven year olds, the group ran head first into unknown situations with no plans nor back up. Ron almost died, and Harry faced Voldemort completely unprepared. If it was not for the Deus Ex Machina that is his mother's protection, he would have died. Second year, same thing. They ran head first into facing what they knew was a dangerous creature, without any preparations beforehand. Third year, Harry had to face hundreds of soul-sucking creatures in defence of a man he knew for ten minutes. The list can go on, but one moral of the story is usually "acts of folly that results in good consequences will be rewarded".

Now, I have no problem with Harry Potter. As a matter of fact, I love it. But as an internationally acclaimed, universally adored franchise, it falls short of delivering a good moral. Through Harry's reckless actions, J.K. Rowling is teaching young, impressionable minds that those dangerous acts of folly are encouraged. Breaking rules, sneaking past a three-headed dog and destroying a centuries old artefact result in winning the House Cup. I understand that the author is also teaching morals about bravery and loyalty, but does it have to come at the price of teaching reckless acts of folly as well? No. To me, her promotion of those acts is the ultimate act of folly.

1782 characters

ⓘ Need Writing or Editing Help?
✖
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳