Undergraduate / As a young Haitian-American woman, I have faced many hardships ; MassART/ SOP [3]

For the most part, you've written an autobiography (along with some discussion of your goals) rather than really addressing the writing task. There's a big difference.

The job is to express what makes you unique and to let us know who you are.

Much of what you've written applies to lots of other people.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:things learned by children from watching tv and movies [9]


This person meant well, but I implore you to disregard his or her advice.

Writing Feedback / The most beneficial Discovery for people in my country in the last 100 years [7]

You've barely begun to address your subject!

What's the length requirement for this?

There is lots of fact here but not nearly enough analysis.

Please accept this in the helpful spirit in which it's intended...

A lot of students worry about grammar, punctuation, spelling, etc. Those things are important, but they are about one-tenth as important as answering the question and showing that you know how to think.

Grammar and mechanics do require attention, but that comes last---almost never first.

In this paper, your usage needs work but it wouldn't be the problem that lowers your grade or score.

Are you preparing for a test?

Writing Feedback / GRE Analyze an argument; Child-rearing traditions in Tertia [6]


You're smart to have caught this omission.

This paper is a bit too short for an upper-half score.

Make a list of missing points of evidence and post them here in bullet form.

Post them here.

Here's what I mean:


This is really the main idea of the essay. (It should have been your thesis.) Your job is to identify which details are missing and then tell me how their absence weakens his argument.

You've partially accomplished the task but your discussion wanders around quite a bit.

Undergraduate / 'Wishing to major in American Sign Language translation' - About Me essay [3]

1. What's the essay question you're attempting to answer? (I mean the exact words from the instructions you were given.)

2. Who's your audience? (Who is this for?)

You've mentioned...

---"a woman" (who is later revealed to be you)
---the places you've lived
---your family (both generally and specifically)
---The symptoms and consequences of ALS

Only below (which is too near the end of the essay) do I start to learn anything about you:


An "about me" essay needs to tell me about how you're different from everyone else.

Undergraduate / My Dad cheated us ; COMMON APP [5]

The quality of your writing isn't a huge problem. (I can help with that at another time.)

However, too much of what you have written here is more like a short story than an essay.

I'm not even sure what the prompt is. (I'm guessing it's something like, "Describe a significant event and discuss its importance.")

Here's how it goes:

1. Briefly tell what happened.

2. Give me several body paragraphs, each focusing on a different WAY that this event changed or affected you.

Scholarship / 'The Sun and the Sea' - My parents have taught me not to give up; QuestBridge [5]

It fits the prompt you mention HERE better than it does the one to which you responded above.

Undergraduate / I have always been a competitive person; Stanford intellectual vitality essay! [6]


Every word in the prompt counts.

You need to write about a single idea or experience that contributed to your intellectual development AND that reflects your intellectual vitality. (Look up the word "vitality" right away.)

Contrary to what anyone here tells you, it is perfectly acceptable to write about your AP bio class. However, you will need to rewrite it according to the guidelines I've detailed above.

To summarize, you must describe how this class changed you and, more specifically, how it changed your attitude toward learning.

Don't write about Batman.


This is a sentence fragment.

Undergraduate / Ronald Reagan once said "if you're explaining, you're losing" ; Why UCF? [3]


How? Why?

You've barely begun.

Undergraduate / Study Abroad/Gain Exposure of new culture; CU Boulder/ Diversity [9]

Your essay is flawed but it is NOT pathetic...and I'm not the kind to "sugarcoat" anything.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree ? Advertising can tell you a lot about a country. [10]

Compared to other issues, it means almost nothing.

Don't sweat it unless you're doing it for a sneaky reason.

Contractions don't lower scores either.

Writing Feedback / GRE Analytic Writing; Surest indicator of a Great Nation [7]


This is a significant improvement. Congratulations!

I will try to find time later to comment in more detail (mostly with regard to punctuation and phrasing).

Do you have my email address? (I tend to forget who's who.)

Undergraduate / The Power of Family - UC Prompt #1 [3]

A personal essay needs to be specific to its writer.

I've listed some cliches that appear in your essay. Rephrase them in your own words. (What you've written below are really other people's words. You're just borrowing them.)

This is a dealbreaking problem!

Book Reports / The Old Man and the Sea literature essay [5]


I'd love to, but that's like asking me to give you suggestions about life because literary analysis can take many forms.

I'm going to assume that this was your primary goal:


If so, you need to do the following:

Write an introduction. (I can help you if you'd like me to.)

Write three paragraphs of about 150 words (each) in which you identify and discuss Hemingway's "messages." (You'd write one paragraph per message. (In literary writing, "messages" are called "themes.")

Do these three paragraphs and post them. I'll look them over and then we'll talk about the introduction and conclusion.

Grammar and punctuation come last.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - How can young people be made responsible drivers? [8]

They want proof that you know how to read, write, and follow directions. Let's take a look at this:

Young drivers are careless and overconfident They put forth a sweeping stereotype. Many adolescents (and adults for that matter) are NOT "overconfident." To the contrary, most are insecure.

too many are killed in accidents No one could disagree, but do their deaths necessarily result from carelessness or overconfidence?

To eliminate this problem, we could teach children the skills of safe driving while they are at school How does this change the personalities of the kids who are "careless and overconfident." Those kinds of kids often do poorly in school anyway. Furthermore, couldn't a kid learn "the skills of safe driving" from a private driving instructor?

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement? This is the most important part. Read below:

INTRODUCTION: Should we teach driving at school? (YES or NO)

Each BODY PARAGRAPH would deal with a specific reason why you feel the way you do.

Undergraduate / Explore the world!; Who do you want to become in the next 10 years? [4]


(Read my whole answer because I'm not sure it'll be clear unless you do so.)
Rather than asking about careers, they're basically asking you two things:

---Why do you want to go to college?
---Why do you want to go to college in the United States?

The best way to answer this is to tell what KIND of person you'd like to be in ten years. Pick a couple of personality traits you'd like to have and then tell why you'd like to have them. Also, tell how ONLY a college education in the United States will help you to attain these "character goals."

You start to do this a couple times in this paper but you don't go nearly far enough:




Start anew, elaborating on the above ideas. Little else in the first draft you posted will prove very useful to you.

Your grammar is indeed a problem but it doesn't matter until your ideas are collected and organized.

You have the beginnings of a very special paper here (and I don't say that very often).

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:How should people spend money? Personal Enjoyment or Fulfilling Duties? [3]

This essay should focus on the consequences of people "spend[ing] too much time on personal enjoyment."

In other words, you need to tell me what's wrong with this.

Give some reasons and elaborate on each.

Book Reports / The Old Man and the Sea literature essay [5]

What are you trying to prove here? (What's the essay question to which you're responding?)

Your writing doesn't make me cringe, but this isn't an essay so much as it's a plot summary. There are just a few sentences in which you analyze anything.

Well over half of a literature analysis essay needs to be analysis; well under half should be fact.

You have it the other way around.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay - How can young people be made responsible drivers? [8]

What is the essay question you're answering? I can't tell whether you've answered the question when you haven't posted the prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : The high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of ads [3]

The length of your introduction isn't the problem.

Look at the prompt:

The high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of ads.

In the intro, you need to agree or disagree. You've done that. You did it in only one sentence, but you did it.

Each body paragraph needs to discuss a separate reason why ads are powerful.

What I'm saying is that the entire essay is too short. You need to divide the topic and elaborate on each part.

Essays / conflict between individual rights and social responsibilities -Thesis statement help [7]

I guess I'll check back later...

Essays / conflict between individual rights and social responsibilities -Thesis statement help [7]

Hmmm...

How about this:

Early American literature addresses the conflict between the rights of the individual and his obligation to society.

Then the remainder of the essay would discuss either different works of lit OR different consequences of this conflict OR different reasons for this conflict.

Does that help? If not, say NO.

Undergraduate / What is between two places, or a bar on two poles, a dance between spaces, or.. [6]


Close, but not exactly. If that's exactly what they meant, that's exactly what they would have asked. Look up the words "sensitivities," "architect," "humane," and "just." (Yes, you might know what they mean. Yes, I still want you to look them up.)

Essays / conflict between individual rights and social responsibilities -Thesis statement help [7]

Did the teacher not give you directions in his or her own words? I'm asking because I can't help you as much as I'd like to without knowing the entire prompt.

Undergraduate / MY FOUR-YEAR ADVENTURE; Significant Experience [4]

1. Remove the slang:
---hung out
--- school is like one hundred steps away
---powerful thing for a kid, right?
---But hey

2. Remove the cliches:
---all the time
---against all the odds
---me against the world
---all his heart
---think twice
---home sweet home
---felt sorry for me
---see the world
---secret weapon
---the long run
--- look out World
---Here I come

3. Learn how coordinating conjunctions work (and don't work).

4. Your verb tense is all over the place. (<--That's a cliche, too.)

There are some nice ideas here but the problems above need to be addressed.

Essays / conflict between individual rights and social responsibilities -Thesis statement help [7]

What the entire essay question in the teacher's words?

Essays / United States Naval Academy Essay; 'armed forces' [4]

This basically comes down to...

a) answering the questions
b) elaborating on those answers

Short of a chat session, about the best I can do is rephrase the question(s) for you.

1a At what MOMENT did you become interested in the USN?
1b What can you get at the academy that you can't get at ANY other school?

2a Tell about a SPECIFIC event from your life.
2b Describe how that event helped to make you a better person. (We'll deal with the "integrity" part later.)

I know it's much easier for me to say it than it is for you to do it, but that's the basic job.

Don't worry at all about grammar, punctuation, vocabulary, etc. (You'll have to do at least one more draft before editing and proofreading take place.)

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree ? Advertising can tell you a lot about a country. [10]


Now you need to pick two or three of these and write an entire paragraph about each.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree ? Advertising can tell you a lot about a country. [10]

Your essay is too vague.

You say, "By looking to each countries advertisement we can find out merits and values of society."

This is true, but your essay needs to expand on this. (Which values can we find out about a society based on advertising?)
.

Writing Feedback / Some people enjoy reading novels and short stories. Others like watching movies. ? [6]

The funny thing about this essay...

It's organized and argued better than most, but the grammar is a problem. Usually it's the other way around.

Reread your essay ALOUD. Put a period at the end of each complete thought. If you have to guess, that's okay. My bet is that you'll guess correctly most of the time.

Add only periods...no commas. (I need to identify the next teaching step.)

Don't worry about the spelling at all.

Then repost this and we'll work on developing your ideas more thoroughly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, To some people, studying HISTORY has very little value; what is your view? [10]


This goes in the introduction.
.


Which difficulties? Pick ONE and write a paragraph about it.

Write a paragraph on traditions and customs.

Write a paragraph about patriotism.


This DOES belong where you put it. However, it's a little too vague.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II. people choose to live alone or with friends rather with their family [5]


You skipped the most important part of the prompt.

For this reason (among others), this is a six.

Undergraduate / Essay B # 3- CU Boulder - 'Pay check to pay check is how I have lived' [5]

Your essay is just too short.


---You need to go into detail about your family's poverty and how it affected your school life.
---Discuss how not having a father in the house made learning more difficult (or easier).
---Tell me what obstacles confront you as a result of being the first kid in your family to attend college.

Forget about grammar, punctuation, and spelling until you're done with the first draft.

You're nowhere near done with the first draft.

You can do this.

Undergraduate / What is between two places, or a bar on two poles, a dance between spaces, or.. [6]

One of my students/clients did this essay a year or two ago. This is the actual prompt the kid gave me:

...you are required to compose a 1-2 page essay about yourself that tells us how you will help the University to carry out its mission :

The core mission of the University of San Francisco is to promote learning in the Jesuit Catholic tradition so that students acquire the knowledge, skills, values, and sensitivities they need to succeed as persons, professionals, and architects of a more humane and just world .

Reread the mission (which is in red above).

You must attend to the blue stuff below:

sensitivities they need to succeed as...architects of a more humane and just world \

Then reread your essay.

As is the case with 90% of these, a rewrite is probably in order.

(I hope that made sense. The software allows only a short time for editing a post.)

Writing Feedback / What's more influencial on child's development? Family influence or Other factors? [6]

To be blunt, no, it's not "okay."

You need to analyze the benefits and drawbacks of BOTH families and "other factors."

You hint at them but you don't go nearly far enough.

Also, your introduction does little but rephrase the question. The reader already knows the question.

I honestly hope this helps.

Undergraduate / Luck, Wisdom, and Purpose STANFORD ESSAY: INTELLECTUAL DEVELOPMENT [4]

Write about your experience singing in the opera and how it helped you to grow intellectually.

Trust me on this.

Graduate / Another PA/MPH PS- under 500 words- does it sound too crunched? [2]

Without looking at your essay, make some lists for me.

Limit each item on each list to ten or fewer words. Sentence fragments are fine.

1. List three academic objectives (things you hope to get out of this school/program)

2. List three human reasons why you want to pursue the career you've chosen.

3. If possible, cite ONE noteworthy thing you've accomplished at school.

4. If possible, cite ONE noteworthy thing you've accomplished at work.

5. If possible, cite ONE noteworthy thing you've accomplished in your community.

Undergraduate / Honestly Hypnotized. Stanford Essay: Intellectual Development. [4]

Although I see and like what you're trying to do, Stanford wants to see an actual essay.

Also, they're asking you to "reflect on an idea or experience." Unless this is a true story, you're giving them a fantasy scene.

Interpret the question more literally.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; MOBILE PHONES - Essential or Unnecessary? [4]

If at all possible, you need to postpone this test. You simply aren't ready for it.

You'll need an extended period of fairly intensive teaching, study, and practice.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:who should take care of the elderly,family or professionals? [4]


I could not edit my above post. For whatever reason, the forum doesn't give much time to do so.

What I meant above is this:

The good news is that you have some elements of a strong essay here. The not-so-good news is that THEY AREN'T arranged in an optimal way.

I'd hate to give you essay advice that models poor grammar.

One more thing about your essay...

It's usually safer to take ONE primary stand on essays like this. (You either agree or disagree.) If you wish to qualify your response, you'll need more than the two body paragraphs you have here.