Posts by fadlanmuzakki

fadlanmuzakki

Feb 7, 2015

Writing Feedback / People are unaware of their original culture and it can damage a number of identities in the world [4]

dear replikatika,
I have checked the long man dictionary and cambridge dictionary more than twice to know how to use it. I also re-check in several journal which use "thus" in the sentence?

as a matter of fact, I am confused with your suggestion is there something wrong with my sentence? could you give uncommon suggestion to replace the expression in my writing?

there are several comments which only find my mistakes while they do not give further explanations about their comments. Therefore, I hope your explanation can help me to improve my writing.

Thank you ;)

fadlanmuzakki

Feb 9, 2015

Writing Feedback / Teenagers should not only watch the TV program, but also take responsibility to practice the sport [4]

Hi Somasalim,
I have same comments and suggestion for your essay.

grammatical issues

lots of sport programs

"Lots of .." is good idea to express things in a large number while I do not think that such a expression is a formal word for IELTS essay or academic writing. Therefore, I suggest you to change " lots of..".

I firmly argue that both opinions result in some effects to juveniles.

Have you checked your dictionary whether "to" is collocate or not with "effect"?

Kompas Sport, a sport series in Indonesia, shows audio-visual news not only about sport events which are in Indonesia, but also all around the world -international sport events-, for example

I know that you want to make your sentence becoming more different by putting "for instance,", but I don't think that it will be a good option on IELTS essay. However, I have found many samples in newspapers like what you have written above.

that sport series on~~screen~~ discourage the young to join

you need an article here, a screen or the screen.

and almost whole day ,

I think it should be plural after "whole". However you can give me a prove when you have evidence.

it attracts much attention of many people widespread

"of" is inappropriate as it is not collocate with attention. it should be on or to . Moreover, you can use "of" if the pattern like this "....for the attention of ...."

for young

You need a noun here because young is an adjective, except you put article "the".

flows and ideas

In recent years, lots of sport programs have appeared in some television channels over the world. This trend causes other people to think that the programs discourage teenagers to get involved in a sport themselves. Although these thoughts have different perspectives, I firmly argue that both opinions result in some effects to juveniles.

As a matter of fact, I am confused about your introductory paragraph inasmuch as your thesis statement said that "both opinions" but in your first paragraph, you just wrote one opinion and then you state that "both opinions". However, the question does not state that there are two opinions while I suggest you that you should raise other statement to make your introductory paragraph becoming discussion. Thus, here my version for your introductory paragraph :

Screen entertaining devices have made a profound influence on juveniles. Thanks to such a fact, young people are affected by television programs which they see inasmuch as television most nearly represent a real experience of most youth generations throughout the world. This situation has generate a great deal of discussion as sports programs in TV has affected young people to do sports activities. Some multimedia analysts argue that young people are more likely to leave physical exercises as the popularity of sports programs are increasing. However, a group of former athletes have taken against the argument in that they think it can encourage juveniles to do more sport activities. I am of opinion, there are many factors which discourage young people to do sports such as lifestyle, video games, and their study.

fadlanmuzakki

Feb 12, 2015

Writing Feedback / Male or female are become the peaceful leader (IELTS task 2) [3]

Hi SHanafi, let me try to ask you some questions, give suggestions and comments.

Grammatical Issues

While it is true ~~for~~ some major reasons

if I do not mistaken, I have commented this preposition in your previous writing but why you repeat the mistake? have you checked your dictionary to make sure the preposition?. I am afraid I am wrong as you reject my suggestion.

it should be : to

she is in powerful oppositionin against

it should be : to

government ~~who arrest~~ her in unfair way in that era,

I know that you want to use adjective clause subject correctly; you, even though, should re-write your sentence to make it easy to follow your flow.

so my suggestion is :

government that arrests her i unfair way in the era,

they way of leading ~~depict~~ violence and hostility

it should be depicts or depicted

Margaret Thatcher who ordered British Navy to conquer Falkland Island from Argentina is stance stronger as an obvious example

I am afraid that this sentence is not easy to read. (your flow sentence)

He leads in complex struggle

why you put a preposition "in" in such a sentence ?, I am afraid that it is not collocate with your verb. I suggest you to check your advance dictionary, and let me know if I am wrong.

many victims died and the protest from world peace-lover around the world raised

do not you think that you should put a coma in this sentence?

inspirationin leading with peace

in is not collocate with inspiration.
it should be = for

resistance ~~from~~ foreign ~~helps~~

my suggestion => resistance of foreign

Nobel awardee ~~and alsobecome~~ the symbol of peace

do not you think that it is redundant idea? / becomes (subject verb agreement)

I would like to discuss about flows and ideas in the next comment :)

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.

fadlanmuzakki

Feb 15, 2015

Writing Feedback / Male or female are become the peaceful leader (IELTS task 2) [3]

Hi SHanafi, as I have said several days ago, I would like to discuss about your flows and sentence.

but before we turn on it, I have corrected my mistake in my comment, it presumably due to lack of concentration when I comment your essay previously.

if I do not mistaken,

I do not have mistaken.

It is often argued that women leadership in society may bring the most peaceable sense. While it is true for some major reasons, I agree that men could be an eligible chief in keeping world peace.

1. ) I utterly believe that we should prevent our first sentence from "it is.."; we, however, have presumably found the pattern in several academic writing samples. Thanks to make it much simpler and clearer, I suggest you to make your first sentence as common as IELTS essay.

2.) To make an introductory paragraph in two sentences is probably acceptable in IELTS essay, especially when it comes under a real-test condition. Nevertheless, I am not totally convinced that you will get higher score if you use the method. I, thus, suggest you to expand your introductory paragraph as long as you can write the topic appropriately and it is not Out of Topic. Furthermore, you can produce your introductory paragraph becoming much clearer and interested by expanding your first paragraph.

3.)

While it is true for some major reasons

As I said previously, it is acceptable but it cannot increase your score because this sentence is bias.

allow me to write introductory paragraph about such a question.

Throughout the history, male leaders often made the society more violent and conflicting. If women governed the world, it would be more peaceful world. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give an example to support your idea.

By last few decades, people had witnessed a great number of men so as to head countries. such a case was increasing widespread disillusionment inasmuch as civil wars, conflicts, and violence had occurred in a society when a male leaders elected. This situation is alarming feminist movements which have become institutionalized and professionalized at the moment. the movement argues that world will be more peaceful when women lead countries or international organizations as the characteristic of female leaders is more tranquility. While it is reasonable as the attribute can reduce conflicts, I have taken up against the statement on behalf of the movement as the conflicts or wars are not only caused by a leader characteristic.

I know this introductory paragraph is too bulky while I believe that ielts examiners would consider this essay to get more then I expected before.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.

fadlanmuzakki

Feb 15, 2015

Writing Feedback / The birth of computer and its fast paced development could influence our lives in different ways. [4]

Hi Ahmad Zafari,
allow me to comments and give you suggestions as to your writing.

The birth of computer

effects of computer on different industries

the invention of computer and the Internet

the birth of a computer of computers. ( I think that you should give an article/determiner in "computer". In addition, you should make it plural)

such as gmail and yahoomail

it should be Gmail and Yahoomail

Owing to strong search engines like Google any students have access to loads of information and documents online

I guess that you forgot to put coma in such a sentence.

This model of documenting also helps us to share E-files with individuals worldwide, contributing to information distribution.

could you rewrite this sentence? I am afraid that such a sentence is not easy to follow.

the enhancement of technology and, thus, industries

I have checked in my dictionary more than twice how to use "thus" in a sentence, I just know that if we want to use "and thus" we should put Subject and Verb afterward or we probably can put to invinitive. could you explain as to such a sentence?

In the light of the aforementioned facts, one can easily conclude that computers rule today's world and steer it toward more advanced place for living.

your conclusion is too short, I suggest you to put general topic, commonly known as hook, or give a fear, or a recomendation/suggestion. I believe that your writing will much more interested to read by adding a closing hook.

I hope you also want to comment my essay. thank you :)

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.

fadlanmuzakki

Feb 20, 2015

Writing Feedback / Foreign language should be mastered by children since the earliest level of their education. [4]

Hi liliy, I would like give some comments and suggestions for your essay:

over recent years all parents believe that a foreign language should be mastered by children since in the earliest level of their education

I think that this sentence is not easy to follow. What is more, you should make "present perfect" in this sentence as you use signal time "over recent years". Thus, I suggest you to rewrite such a sentence.

every ~~children~~ has different abilities

Subject + Verb Agreement

abilities to learn foreign language

"to" is not collocate with abilities, you should use appropriate preposition here; "on"

has more benefits for children later development

this sentence is bad flow as you cannot build your subject based on you noun of preposition.

have positive effect for children

1. ) you need an article here, or you can probably make it plural. => a positive effect of positive effects
2. ) "on" is not appropriate with effect, you should put a preposition "on" after the noun.

semilingualism

what you mean? do you mean it is multilingualism ? I suggest you to make sure your vocabularies when you want to use uncommon words. It is because we do not probably know yet how to use these vocabularies appropriately. Therefore, you should find the words in the reading passages first if you want to use them.

~~problem for~~ young people

it hsould be problem of

Taking students who are learned Mandarin

I think you should read and correct your essay first before you upload. because of a great number of rudimentary grasps, you should make your sentences clearer to be read. I suggest you to change this sentence become an active sentence.You should have a fully grasp as to how to use adjective clause "subject correctly"

largest population in

ith should be the largest population of

There are many grammatical errors here,so I suggest you to deal with the problems first.

let me know when you finish it.Then, I am pleased to discuss about your flows and ideas.

KEEP STUDY, KEEP SPIRIT.

fadlanmuzakki

Feb 21, 2015

Writing Feedback / The improvement of the world's population every year becomes the most significant concern. [3]

Hi AinunAlfatih,

I would like to give you some suggestions and comments,

GRAMMATICAL ERRORS

The improvementof the world's population

"of" is not collocate with "improvement". what's more, you use "the improvement" to explain "world's population". I think it is inappropriate, because it will be necessary if you use boom, increasing, growth, or burst.

here is my hook example :

Population burst has generated a mouthing concern across the world in recent decades.

the large number of world ~~population~~

Subject Verb Agreement. It should be : the large number of world populations

humanity have to face

humanity is an uncountable noun, so you cannot use a plural verb for such a noun. It should be = humanity has to face

continued rise of populationin the world is unplanned pregnant

you need an article for "population". What's more, "in" is not collocate with "population"
Therefore, it should be = ..continued rise of the population of the world is unplanned pregnant.

This case annually increase

Subject Verb Agreement, it should be = increases

unplanned program still become

Subject Verb Agreement, it should be = unplanned program still becomes or unplanned programs still become

that the crime rate in Makassar incline dramatically between 2010 and 2013 from 2500 to 3000 cases per year

I am afraid that this sentence is not easy to follow, so I suggest you to rewrite this sentence.

the number of unemploymentincrease annually

"the number" should be followed by singular verb.

has not be able to provide job for the unemployment

it should be = has not been able to provide a job

cases have to become issue of people

cases have to become an issue / issues.

There are many grammatical errors in your writing, I suggest you to ask your friend first prior to upload your essay thus we can discuss about flows and ideas.

Keep Spirit, Keep Study.

fadlanmuzakki

Feb 21, 2015

Writing Feedback / The rush exchange information is monopolized by media nowadays [3]

Hi Akhfan,
Allow me to give comments and suggestion for your writing.
Overall, your writing is good whereas I have found several grammatical errors in your essay.

Grammatical Errors :

people are exposed to public regularly

I am afraid that public is not appropriate with this sentence. I suggest you to give an article to the word if the vocabulary has already mentioned beforehand. Alternatively, you can change it becoming : the general public . I think it will be much clearer on your sentence.

believe that media have

I think that you should put an article for media. So it should be the media in this sentence.

ordinary people rather than~~expose~~ outstanding people

it should be : exposing

Blowing up ordinary people

This is uncommon, I suggest you to find the sentence out first and thus to know how to use the word in a sentence.

an object of news brings viewer to realize moral value

you need an article here or make it plural.

because he build a series of windmills

Subject Verb agreement , it should be he builds

like the way of person

it should be = the way of a person or the way of people or the way of persons.

that most of famous lifestyles influence the viewers to follow their manner like using ~~well-know~~ branded product as en extravagant activity

Firstly, I think this sentence is not easy to read. Secondly, I utterly believe that you get the wrong end of the stick inasmuch as you have written well-known. I thinks it should be "well-known" if you want to make it as an adjective.

FLOWS AND IDEAS.

Although your introductory paragraph is quite good to express your thesis statement, I strongly believe that you can get a better score in IELTS writing if you can make your introductory paragraph much clearer by expanding your main idea in your thesis statement. Furthermore, I think that your hook and the next sentence is not coherence.

I hope in the next comment, I can give an example of introductory paragraph.
looking forward to your feedback on my comments.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.

fadlanmuzakki

Feb 21, 2015

Writing Feedback / World's population has peaked at a geometric rate in this day and age. IELTS WRITING TASK II [4]

I realize that my writing is not good as my pattern has been changing over several days. Therefore, I need your suggestions and comments.

QUESTION:
The continued rise in the worlds population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at present time.
What are the causes of this contnued rise?
Do you agree that it is greatest problem faced by humanity?

ANSWER:

World's population has peaked at a geometric rate in this day and age. This situation is alarming urban sprawl experts who conduct research to analyze a contributory factor of the growth of world populations. The result is surprisingly astonished as birth rates have apparently decreased in several decades but the number of populations is continuing to experience an upward trend. Thanks to the fact, some people argue that the phenomenon leads a serious problem to humankind inasmuch as the increase of densely populated areas is a cause of a poor socioeconomic development. Thus, I would support the reason in that human consumption of renewable resources is already overshooting Earth's capacity.

Birth rates are falling but the number women and men are more likely to have children keeping on growing. This is because population momentum had been occurring several decades ago. Urban sprawl experts who involve in UNDP research project on the case in 1990 said that due to a great number of birth rates in 1980s, an overwhelming number of populations have been soaring recently. Such an implication is a main factor of population burst at the moment.

This condition has been grabbing public attention inasmuch as some people said that the circumstance is a crucial problem faced by society. In their views, population burst has caused a gap between social and economical developments. As an obvious example, developing countries such as India, China, and Indonesia have a problem to build their economic and social conditions. These situations are caused by a great number of citizens that the countries have. Consequently, public opinion is appealing when they see the case as a significant problem for the essential aspects of life.

Apparently, the problem of a boom in world's population is not only cause one deleterious effect on humanity. I am of opinion, a great number of societies impact on environmental. The evidence of this case is provided by research which is conducted by professors at Leuphana Unversity, Germany. They point out that people are going to witness a catastrophic effect on earth owing to dense populations. Furthermore, they predict that doomsday will be much close if people do not want to overcome the problem. Therefore, it is undeniable that the significant growth of citizens impacts on several detrimental effects.

In conclusion, population momentum in the old days has been generating the population burst which cause several serious problems faced by humanity. It is imperative that people should be aware of the danger to the situation.

fadlanmuzakki

Feb 23, 2015

Writing Feedback / Study once specialist subject or a series of subjects in universitiy [6]

Hi Mumtazdinar, I would like to give several comments and suggestions for your writing. I hope these can improve your writing.
First of all, I would rather consider grammatical errors in your writing inasmuch as grammatical issues are the most important point when we want achieve a higher score.

Grammatical Issues :

universities provide a subject in their curriculum

I think that you should make "curriculum" become a plural noun as the determiner "their" is plural. So it should be : curricula or curriculums

students only focus onspecific part of subject

I suggest that you need an article on complementing phrase in a red color. Alternatively, you can make it plural.

they come to be a good professional person

be careful to use phrasal verb as the meaning is presumably different from what you expect. the definition of come to =If a thought or idea comes to you, you suddenly remember or start to think about it. Consequently, you cannot use the phrasal verb in such a sentence.

While it is true to some extent as they come to be a good professional person such as a doctor and an engineer

I know well what you mean in this paragraph; I, however, argue that your sentence is not logic enough because you said "they" (it does mean more than one/ plural) but in the next statement you said "a good professional person" (it does mean that the phrase is singular). So I suggest you to make your sentence becoming much consistent. What's more, I know that you want make a coordinate idea in such a sentence, even though I think it will be more appropriate to use "or" rather than "and".

some subjects to the universities curriculum

"to" is not collocate with "subjects". So it should be : in some subjects in the universities ...

this my correction :
adding some subjects to the universities curriculum makes the students having an extensive knowledge instead of their primary subjects as they will get much information to support their field subjects .

your subject is adding, your verb is make, have => subject verb agreement, and doubling verb in one sentence.
I suggest you to read or review you grammar book if you do not know what I mean; Nevertheless, if you are not focus enough when you writing this essay. I suggest you to read it more that twice to make sure your structure.

bring their graduate into a highly competent person.

it should be = their graduates

As a matter of fact , nowadays, most universities in the world

I suggest you to avoid the expression as I am afraid that the phrase is inappropriate in my writing. I give you some references:

1.) Writing reference in Complete IELTS Advance 6.5-7.5 which is writen by Guy Brook-Hart and Venesa Jakeman (page 102) is not state "as a matter of fact" as an appropriate expression unless you use it for speaking.

2.) There is such an expression in book "Succeed in IELTS Speaking and Vocabulary" which is written by Andrew Betsis (GlobalELT). Therefore, I presume that the expression is necessary when it comes to speaking.

3.) Dictionary "Advanced Cambridge Learner" write that the meaning of "as a matter of fact" is used to add emphasis to what you are saying, or to show that it is the opposite of or different from what went before . As a consequence, you should consider it as a speaking reference. Nevertheless, If you find that the expression is appropriate for academic writing, you should consider your idea in your sentence because of the definition of the phrase and how to use it.

It is an enigma (for myself) whether the expression is necessary or not, and thus, I decide myself to avoid it in writing expression.

nowadays, most universities in the world have been constructing the curriculum only concern for the field of subject as they expect their graduates become a skilled person.

DOUBLE VERBS in the sentence.

check your grammar first and let me know when you finish it. I would like to discuss your idea and flow if you want to correct your grammar.

KEEP STUDY, KEEP SPIRIT.

fadlanmuzakki

Mar 1, 2015

Writing Feedback / Event to reduce a tension between ASEAN students, which promoted tolerance and reconciliation [3]

Please comment my essay as I am going to submit my application.

Tell us about your personal experience of issues related to the UNAOC mandate and how this affects the work that you currently do or hope to do in the future? (Maximum 250 words)

Indonesia has more than 300 ethnic groups, and those are different compared with other ASEAN countries whereas those countries are commonly believed that those have stemmed from both proximity and serumpun (kinship) spirit. This condition has grabbed my attention in that sensitivity is becoming far higher especially when it comes to facing ASEAN Community.

When ASEAN Culture Week was held at University Malaya, Malaysia several years ago, I had been facing a difficulty to organize a discussion among other participants from different ASEAN countries as it was extremely sensitive when we had been discussing about religion and language during the programs. I have been fascinated that the event which purpose to reduce a tension between ASEAN students had succeeded to promote tolerance and reconciliation.

The experience has generated a great deal of ideas about my though, and it is effecting my career at the moment, I have implemented several ideas that I got in ASEAN culture week to organize senator programs in terms of Fostering Peaceful, Inclusive Societies and Countering Radicalization in Indonesia. Furthermore, there is a very real possibility that the experience has affected my innovation on planning project which others youth activists from ASEAN Countries and I are planning for in the end of this year. What's more, as a graduate (majoring international relations), I will promote a peaceful dialog and tolerance in the programs as it will be an interesting event, and it can build step stone to be "unity in diversity".

What international events or programs have you participated in related to your line of work and the work of UNAOC and EF? What did you learn in these instances and what do you feel you still need to learn or develop from participating in such programs? What was a highlight or challenge of learning with and from people of different cultures, faiths, and countries? (Maximum 250 words)

Unity in Diversity. These words which are a slogan of ASEAN community have drawn my attention to devote my self-involving in an annual big international event, It is commonly known as Indonesian + ASEAN youth Jamboree. In 2014, I dedicated myself to be a head of steering committee in the event which was held in Yogyakarta, Western of Indonesia. By 10 months preparation, I and my team had been successful in making the event becoming more incredible as we designed the event by considering cultural and religion dissimilarity among participants.

In the event, I have made in-deep discussion in terms of religion and cultural diversity. I was tremendously enthusiastic about the discussion as I had learned how to make differences especially in religion and cultural becoming a key role to make integrity. As a consequence, I proposed a big event which related to the topics in the end of this year, and delegates from other countries accepted my idea at the meantime. At the moment, I and several youth representatives from ASEAN countries are preparing the event to be held in Jakarta at the end of this year. Therefore, there is no doubt in my mind to increase my knowledge in cultural and religion diversity prior to the event as it can be a great challenge for myself to lead several people which have different backgrounds, ideas, cultures, and religion.

How do you expect your participation in the Summer School will impact your professional and community activity? What plans do you have after the School and what platform or network do you have in place to apply your new skills? What relevant follow-up activities do you intend to conduct to advance the objectives of the Summer School? (Maximum 250 words)

I am working for Regional Representative Council as a special staff (the youngest staff) of senator members, In the committee III which concerns in the sector of education, religion, culture, youth and sport. Therefore, I strongly believe that the summer school can give benefits for my future career as International experiences are required to pursue my higher grade in the institution. Moreover, as one of youth activists which lead several youth organizations from a regional level to a national level, I will share what I get in the summer school to my organizations.

I have several ambitious planning which consists of short-term and long-term projects. As I mention in the previous answer, I plan to make a program which is my short-term planning, called "Unity in Cultural and Religion Diversity" to further discussion from Indonesia + ASEAN youth Jamboree 2014. Thus, if it is possible, I will invite several participants in the summer school to engage in the program which will be held in the end of this year. What's more, my employers and I plan to make a big event to organize an international conference that mainly concerns in conflict resolution on cultural diversity in the end of 2016.

fadlanmuzakki

Mar 4, 2015

Writing Feedback / People who committed crime, especially the young offenders, have the right to be educated [2]

Hi duomaxwel, I have some general suggestions for you, I hope it can help you to improve your writing.

There has been a considerable debate on the future development of the criminals. The majority of lawbreakers have(I think it should be singular verb because you use "the majority") been sent to prison directly by their government. However, some people suggest that they should be formed into the society and participate in the community works, therefore meanwhile(you should put comas here, "therefore, meanwhile". Nevertheless, I am afraid that it will be inappropriate when you use 2 adverb as a linking word in the beginning of your sentence.)[/i ] they are able to learn social skills. I strongly agree with the latter argument [i](your position in this introductory sentence is clear enough although it is not strong enough inasmuch as you do not give a general reason for your thesis statement) .

First of all(I suggest you to avoid this expression in that it does not determined that you want to write a topic sentence. Moreover, the expression is commonly used to express supporting idea in the multiple idea paragraph) , people who committed crime, especially for the young offenders have the right to be educated by the government, and it is vital to rehabilitate criminals other than restrict(it should be = restricting them) them into a forbidden place. Through community services, it provides a chance to make contributions by(the appropriate collocation is contributions to ) helping the society. By acting as an imperative role within(role in) the community, they will be motivated and show better performance in the period of rehabilitation. Furthermore, young offenders will not only be benefited by obtaining relevant skills, but also gained better personalities as staying in a positive atmosphere, it will become an essential aspect in their future life.

On the other hand, some cases of crime are the result of innate personal characteristics, those criminals should not be given an opportunity to be reformed. Certain criminals are unforgivable, such as rapist or murderer. Offering them ~~a rehabilitate chance~~(it is unnecessary as you put a verb before a noun, so it should be "a rehabilitated chance") can ~~only give rise to the damage to the innocent citizens~~ (bad flow, I suggest you to rewrite this sentence). For instance, in regard to the newspaper, a prisoner killed another person after being released. Therefore, to lock those serious criminals in jail alternatively can be seem as a way of protecting the citizens.(you should be consistent to use a tense use in your paragraph; you, meanwhile, can use more than 2 tenses in your paragraph as long as you are commit to add time signal to change these structures.)

In conclusion,the government should provide community services and proper vocational training in order to improve the social skills of criminals, especially pour more attention on younger generations((I think that this is your suggestion, not your conclusion because a conclusion is not restate what we say in the first paragraph(thesis statement)) . However, certain crime may result from lawbreakers' inner qualities, and they should be sentences by the harsh law.

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.

fadlanmuzakki

Mar 4, 2015

Writing Feedback / Event to reduce a tension between ASEAN students, which promoted tolerance and reconciliation [3]

thank you very much for your suggestion, however, I hope you can give me an example and underline my sentence that you mean in your comment previously. what's more, I need more suggestions whether my answers are already answering the question or not.

I also hope that other members of EF can give me a suggestion inasmuch as it is 4 days left to submit the essay while I still need suggestion and constructive advice for my writing to make it becoming more effective.

In any case, I have written more than 250 words in the second answer, could you give me a suggestion to reduce the word without remove some ideas or messages that I want to express?

fadlanmuzakki

Mar 14, 2015

Writing Feedback / The number of population in the U.S. of Oregon - gradual rise in three different counties [3]

hi Adhisti, actually I want to comment about your task responses, but unfortunately you did not put a picture for this essay. Therefore, I am going to suggest your writing, especially when it comes to grammatical errors and your flow sentences.

Grammatical issues :
I have expected that I can find a perfect grammar in your writing. As a matter of fact, I have found several grammatical errors here although I presume that it is owing to a lack of carefulness.

it can be seen that there were a gradual rise of the population

it should be = there was a gradual rise in the population...

more significantincrease

more significant increases

Population stood at 75 thousand in 1940, which was higher than Columbia and Yamhill.

you should put an article before "population" unless this is a new topic. Nevertheless, I bet that you will get a wrong flow sentence when you pu a new topic here.

a leadingcountie

becareful with your spelling, it should be"continue"

FLOW SENTENCE, IDEA:

during 1940 to 2000

you can change it becoming = over a 60-year period.

Oregon had three counties and population was measured in thousands in each counties

why you use pas perfect here?, I know that that graph is in the past but I think you cannot use past tense in your introductory paragraph. I mean that it will be better if you use present tense in your introductory paragraph whereas the data is in the past

Overall, it can be seen that there was a gradual rise of the population in three different counties of Oregon.

I think that your overview is too general inasmuch as you just give an interesting trend without comparison. According to the task in every IELTS writing task one is asking us to compare where possible. Thus, I would argue that you should compare a trend in your overview.

Then, they rose gradually in 1970 and again it grew rapidly in the following thirty years.

to vary your tense you can use pas perfect if you wish. this is my example:

"by 170 it had gradually risen in the reminder of the time."

Washington had more significant increase than other two counties. Population stood at 75 thousand in 1940,

the population in Washington was two times higher than....

KEEP STUDY AND KEEP SPIRIT. ;)

fadlanmuzakki

Mar 18, 2015

Writing Feedback / Nowadays animal experiments are widely used to develop new medicines and to test other products [5]

Hi Ablk, I would like to give several suggestions for your writing, I hope it can help you.

In our days

( I know you want to express that the general fact that happens in this day and age; however, I think that it will be inappropriate if you use for the beginning of your writing, commonly known as background or hook. I have discussed with native who work as an IELTS examiner and He points out that it is more likely to be a bullshit idea when student use nowadays, today, and in our days)

medical and other

(this is not coordinate as you use conjunction. It should be adjective and adjective. Moreover, you should make it clear [refer to other] whereas you want to make a general statement in this paragraph)

Some people dispute that it is not right and desire to prohibit this method

I need to read this sentence more than twice to get a fully grasp as to what you want to explain in this sentence. Owing to a rudimentary grasp using a coordinate sentence (and/or), your sentence is becoming harder to follow

In the following paragraphs I shall discuss both opinions with benefits and drawbacks.

I would argue that this sentence is a kind of lazy idea inasmuch as you cannot give a general view in order to what you want to say in body paragraph, I suggest you to give your opinion directly and give a general explanation as forewords of your thesis statement

~~First of all,~~it is saidIt is believed that all experiments are done for ~~welfare of humanity~~(this is bad phrase) . There are different types of illnesses in the world, and scientists try to treat them(them refer to what?, make it clearer) . They invent new types of drugs. However, those drugs firstly must be assayed. Certainly, in this case more preferable(where is your pronoun here) would be experimenting on animals. For example, ~~in early days of medical science most inventions like cures have been tested on people~~(I suggest you to rewrite such a sentence and make it clear) . Unfortunately, it was harmful not only for one generation, but also affected several consecutive generations. Undoubtedly, it is better testing on animals rather than(I suggest you to write your grammar book as to how to use rather than) injure lots of people.

On the other hand, some experiments are too cruel and unimportant. Some people are ~~blinded with~~(this is not collocate) their ambitions. In laboratories animals(this is a bad phrase, can you rewrite this?) are kept in terrible conditions instead of gratefulness for their efforts and lives. Moreover, not all experiments are necessary. For instance, testing perfumeries on animals might be very harmful or even lethal for them. Obviously, animals also are alive creatures of the mother wild. Furthermore, all cures cannot be tested on animals. Perhaps organisms of some animals are alike, but not at all. One particular drug may be harmful or has several by-effects for people, but on animals it could not be recognized. (I think your example is not straight to the point)

In conclusion, experiments on animals can be in favor only ~~for well-being of human beings~~(it is not easy to follow you flow sentence) . However, overdoing on tests and useless experiments should be banned.( I think you need to add a fear, suggestion, prediction in the last sentence of your conclusion. it is useful to generalize your conclusion)

I hope you do not mind as I strike a majority of your sentence. I am waiting for your feedback where it is possible and your thumb for my comment if you feel that these suggestions help you to improve your writing. Thank you very much. :)

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.

fadlanmuzakki

Mar 19, 2015

Undergraduate / Activity- Junior Red Cross, or we usually call it "PMR" or Palang Merah Remaja with 17 of my friends [2]

Hi Royalitas, I cannot comment your content as you did not mention in what occasion you write such an essay. However, I will give suggestions in order grammatical issues.

In my high school there are many activities to choose and they are ~~all~~completely having a lot of ~~benefits in~~benefits ofit. One of the activities ~~that I joined is~~(your tenses use) the school's Junior Red Cross, ~~or we usually call it~~it is commonly known as "PMR" or Palang Merah Remaja with ~~17 of~~ my friends. The reason why I joined the school's Junior Red Cross is because I wanted to help people whenthey needed and become very helpful to the society(bad flow, I suggest you to rewrite this) . In the Junior Red Cross I ~~become~~became~~the~~a~~co-leader~~vice chairman~~, which means~~. Consequently, I assisted ~~the leader~~(I know what you mean, but I think it will be easy to read if you make it clear) to lead the other members~~and also~~(redundant idea) responsible for the whole members of the junior Red Cross in my school.

When I was engaging in the Junior Red Cross in the second year of my High School, I participated in a competition called "JUMBARA"; it is a competition that was held for 5 days for all member of the Junior Red Cross from all schools in the same region and there were a hundreds of Students from Elementary schools to Senior high Schools that joined the competition. Teamwork is the most important thing in the competition, without teamwork we would not be able to achieve anything in the competition. Luckil, we got the 15th place from hundreds of school in the region, we did our best and it was one unforgettable experience. ~~Not only that~~What is more, I joined Junior Red Cross, I was also a member of the Student Council in my school and it ~~wasn't~~ was not easy to be a student council in my school. When I ~~got~~have been elected, I was very happy to hear the announcement, I couldn't be happier and I'm very proud toof myself. I was in charge of the Male's Dormitory taking some aspiration from ~~some of the~~several male students and gave it to the Head of the Dorm, held a school competition, and participated as a committee in some of the events that held by one of the member of Student Council. Being the member of the student council had a lot of impact on memyself , ~~it teaches~~(your tenses use) me how to organize an event and how to make everything goes as planned by discussing it inwith groups and making decisions ~~as fast as possible~~immediately.

If I got admitted in ~~APU~~(you should explain what is APU) I would like to join as many extracurricular activities as I can even if I never join those extracurricular activities before anyway(bad expression for writing) , for me having to learn something new could widenimprove / gain my knowledge and learning some new skills. If I have to pick between so many extracurricular activities perhaps, I would choose scuba diving and wonder Vogel extracurricular activities because I love~~the~~ water and nature,. At the first timeI was scuba diving is(double verbs) when I was in Bali (you should mention time reference) . Scuba Diving for meis very exciting; I could(your tenses are not consistent) see ~~so many~~a great number of fishes with their beautiful colors and ~~the~~ beautyfulof coral reefs. I ~~also~~ have also climbed several mountains back in Indonesia, it was very refreshing and ~~seeing the forest just makes~~(bad flow) me want to go back and climb those mountains again even though it wasn'twas not that easy.

When I graduated from APU, my plan for the future is to find a decent job in a marketing company looking for (need an article here ) experience in japan itself orperhaps in other countries around japan like Korea or any other countries around Asia(bad flow) . The reason why I'm looking for jobs ~~outside my country~~ Indonesia is because that after I got lots of experiences by working in a foreign country, I will go back to my country to improve its working system from my experience and knowledge that I got from APU and by working in foreign country.

I hope you do not mind as I give many strikes in your writing. Moreover, I hope you can give me a thumb (like) if you think that it is useful for you.

thanks :)

KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP WRITING.

fadlanmuzakki

Apr 3, 2015

Writing Feedback / People are hypnotized by advertising to buy goods which they even really don't need [2]

Please give suggestion and correction. also, give a predictable score.

Question
Today the high sales of popular consumer goods reflect the power of advertising and not the real needs of the society in which they are sold.

To what extent do you agree with these views?

Answer:

Not too long ago advertising was not nearly as popular as at the moment. In recent years the advertising has brought a profound influence on high sales of popular consumer goods. This phenomenon is alarming market experts who argue that this can encourage people to buy a particular product which they do not really need. I have been supporting the perception inasmuch as people are more likely to be hypnotized by advertising to buy goods even though in some cases some people argue that they have found the goods which they need by seeing advertisement.

...

fadlanmuzakki

Apr 5, 2015

Writing Feedback / Local culture and visitors from other countries - should they obey cultural customs? [2]

I have changed my pattern as per some suggestions in my previous essay. give me more comments in order t my pattern, vocabulary, and idea. thank you.

Some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local customs and behavior. Other disagree and think that the host country should welcome cultural differences. discuss both opinion and give your opinion.

Traveling abroad has been becoming the most popular activity for recent decades. For this reason, some groups of travelers argue that we have to conform to norms in a country destination. Nevertheless, some people are more likely to believe that a host country should be open-minded to be able to take up cultural differences. I am of opinion; a state should promote its cultures to attract other foreign tourists.

...

fadlanmuzakki

Apr 8, 2015

Writing Feedback / Should children be educated during their free time? [2]

Hii, Auntum_waltz, I have several discussion and suggestion for your writing, I hope these can help you.

Some members of the community(what kind of community?, I think if you want to make your first sentence specific, you should to make it more specific and unique to attract the examiner) argue that children should be educated even in their free time. I tend to agree with this point of view. In my opinion, childhood is the most important stage of human development(important stage inhuman development) , during which the child learns virtually from everything - be it text books or games.

I am of opinion that your introduction paragraph is well developed enough; you, nevertheless, should enrich your vocabulary to be more advance if you want to get 7.0 or higher. Here are some obvious example for you.

a.) Children = toddler, youngster, or a three-years-old child, etc.
b.) free time = leisure time, spare time.
c.) I tend to agree = I would support the idea/assumption.
d.) in my opinion = I am of opinion, In my personal view etc.
e.) important stage = formative stage

According to(as per) scientists, children have to be taught almost all the time,(you do not need to put coma here. the formula is S+V because S+V or because S+V, S+V ) because the childhood is the time when the most significant processes(I suggest you to make it more specific) in their lives occur. In particular, it is the only stage of people's lives when they can be taught how to behave with others~~people~~ and communicate both verbally and non-verbally. If the socialization during the early years did not take place, a person will never adapt to the human world and will fail(neglect) to learn any language. It is for this reason that I strongly believe that this precious time of childhood should not be wasted, but better be used wisely. Parents have to provide their offspring with that sort of education that the letter need so much. Of course, it is children's free time that can be filled(loaded) with such lessons on socialization.

Usually, children's free time is related to playing various sorts of games.In fact(as a matter of fact) , children need to be taught to play games. They need someone to show them how to perform in various role games or explain them the rules of the popular(enviable) hide-and-seek. In the process, parents educate them on safety and on how to analyze the behavior(attitude) of other participants. During active games, children also learn to control their bodies.

(you should add a signal word to mention that you want to make a conclusion in this paragraph) The physical and psychological condition of children increases the role of education in their lives. Since education catalyzes their development, children better be given lessons in their free time(change this phrase) .

here are straightforward example to emphasize that you want to make a conclusion in your essay:

1.) To conclude
2.) To summarize
3.) to sum up
4.) in conclusion
5.) it is clear
6.) the aforementioned /aforesaid ...
7.) it seems to me that
etc..

I hope this comment can help you. and do not forget to give me thumb. :)
KEEP SPIRIT, KEEP STUDY.

fadlanmuzakki

Apr 10, 2015

Scholarship / The United States is labeled with a land of opportunity. My Study Objective for fulbright [2]

Everyone please help me to correct and give me suggestion in order my Fulbright scholarship essay. deadline is 4 days left. Thankyou.
your comment is highly appreciated.

a clear and detailed description of your study objectives. Give your reason for wanting to pursue them in the U.S. Describe the kind of program you expect to undertake, and explain how your proposed field of study fits in with your educational background, your professional background, your future objectives, and your future involvement in community development. Please type, do not write.

The United States is labeled with a land of opportunity which is dreamed by almost all Indonesian professional young people to continue their studies. As a super power country, American universities are preferred by people that want to learn more about theory of their previous education, especially when it comes to social science. One of the theories is a quantitative theory of international relations which is commonly known as event data in foreign affairs.

...

fadlanmuzakki

Apr 19, 2015

Scholarship / supporting statement : Australia Award Scholarship [2]

How did you choose your proposed course and institution? (max 400 words)

Working for the house of Regional Representative Council as a special staff has encouraged myself to pursue my degree in the fields of governance and public policy. This is because a higher qualification is urgently required in the institution in which I work for. I utterly believe that by taking a master degree can help me to perfect my career in a governmental institution and engage myself in policy making more frequently inasmuch as my status will be an expert staff when I get master degree.

...

(400 words)

fadlanmuzakki

May 25, 2016

Undergraduate / What are your career goals and how do you expect your education at The Art Institute of Pittsburgh.. [5]

Hi rachaelspelic, I would like to give you suggestions for some gramatical issues

Ever since I was young I always knew what

I suggest you to put coma as the formula is since SV, SV.
so the sentence should be Ever since I was young, I always knew what

I have always had a passion for younger children

Are you sure with article a before passion?

passion for younger children.

This is really bad grammar, I suggest you to rewrite this

What I didn't know at the time

What I did not know

need for everyday life.

I suggest you to use some expression for this sentence. For example, On the other hand, extraculicular activities would ......

I want will be dedicated to both my education

I will dedicate myself..... (be careful to use passive voice)

I want to learn the skill that I need ...

I suggest you to make unforgetable conclusion by state that you will benefit the institution by being student there

I hope it will help you and do not forget to give this a thumb

fadlanmuzakki

Mar 25, 2018

Writing Feedback / Sharing confidential information for free and for everyone? [3]

Huge amount of information is shared every day in this digital era. .....

this is good introduction paragraph for beginning however it is important to make an interesting introductory paragraph so as to impress the reader (examiner)

I personally believe

= it is better to use = I firmly believe or I strongly believe

fadlanmuzakki

Mar 27, 2018

Writing Feedback / IELTS: pollution and traffic growth - higher gas price as the obvious solution? [4]

Hi Amalia Hanifah, it is glad to see your writing here. So, you will get a number of feedbacks not only from me, but also from the others :)

these are my comments for your essay:

These days, most of the population on earth has ...

-> it is understood that you want to write an interesting intro sentence for your essay, but dont forget to pay attention to the flow of your sentence. This is my sample : People are now relying on vehicles to move from one to another place.

Some people think increasing gasoline price ...

it is better to write : Some people believe that

others methods

-> methods

here is my sample: while I am supporting the policy, I firmly believe that the implementation will be really impactfull if it is supported by other factors.

Growing traffic is caused by the used of transportation that ...

I understand that you want to explain what you have mentioned in the previous paragraph, but you need to pay attention to the structure of your paragraph.

Pollution is one thing ...

your paragraph three is too little, I suggest you to put more ideas here

then, in the last paragraph, you need to construct your conclusion as a closing point of your essay.

This is the pattern for you to construct your essay:

PARAGRAPH ONE:
·introduction sentence which is interesting relating to topic
·Paraphrase the opinion and the topic
·Opinion one
·Opinion two (if any)
·Your position (agree or not)

PARAGRAPH TWO:
·Thesis statement 1
·Supporting thesis statement
·Example
·Data (if any)
·Mini conclusion

PARAGRAPH THREE:
·Thesis statement 2
·Supporting thesis statement
·Example
·Data (if any)
·Mini conclusion
PARAGRAPH FOUR:
YOUR OWN OPINION (IF POSSIBLE)
PARAGRAPH FIVE: CONCLUSION