Writing Feedback / Ignoring what others' think and others' opinions is clearly the more successful path in life [9]

If I could make a suggestion. I believe that the best way to answer this essay is from a personal point of view, based upon personal experience. You could present 2 arguments. The first is a story about making a personal decision (say about buying a car) when you sought the advice of others and ended up getting a bad deal on the car even after you based it on others recommendations. Then the second, could be about a life changing decision such as whether to follow in the path of your family tradition of say becoming a doctor (if you come form a family of doctors, lawyers or accountants could also work),. You could mention having asked for the advice of you family and friends but then ultimately following your personal decision instead because you feel you would be more successful in that path. Then conclude the essay by saying that it is important to listen to and consider other opinions when making decisions, but that ultimately, their advice will not matter more than your personal considerations about the decision you are about to make because you are the only person who can set your true path to happiness and success in real life. Writing the essay this way might give it a more engaging hook that will keep the admissions officer interested in finding out what you have to say in the end.

Writing Feedback / IGCSE ; Comparitive Essay ( Big Supermarket Vs Local Shops) [4]

This version is most certainly much improved over the first one. It now reflects all sides of the argument and carries logical reasoning in every paragraph. Due to the word limit, I know that you cannot expand the discussion further so please allow me to correct some grammar points for you just to polish the paper :-). Here is what I found:


- the other parties ...


- As an international store, the big supermarket will bring more product brands to the shelves for introduction to the consumers. This will result in competitive prices.


- The local community will feel more satisfied when shopping for their needs because they no longer have to go to different stores for different products


... there are claims that the ease of shopping will also result in more traffic congestion and noise pollution in the area.


- income of the state through taxes .


- Being a strong supporter of the supermarket chain opening, I am of the opinion that our community stands to greatly benefit from the existence of the supermarket over the coming years and it will bring economic stability to our little town as well.

Piece the essay together with my corrections I believe you will like the new flow of thought that was created in support of your argument.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: What can be done to maintain biodiversity ? [6]

You made very good points and related some important arguments regarding the issue of biodiversity. However, I feel that the essay is still lacking in content because you spoke of the government responsibility and the need to educate people, but neglected to discuss what we can do as individuals to address the issue. Surely there are some things on a private or individual level that we can all do to help ease the problem and situation. This should be pointed out because the prompt asks what can be done to maintain biodiversity and I believe, that the maintenance should begin on an individual or personal level. So before I point out any grammar corrections, I think it would be best if you could draft a 2nd version of the essay first, which includes a paragraph about my suggestion pertaining to the individual contribution of solutions to the problem. Once that is done, the essay will have covered all aspects of the discussion and will then be ready for grammar correction and editing :-)

Undergraduate / How it all came to choose the career i want. UC application essay ("personal statement") Prompt #2 [4]

This essay is a perfect sample of describing an accomplishment that you are proud of. It is obvious that you clearly understood what the prompt required of you and you had a clear idea of how you wanted to answer it. The experience and sense of accomplishment in relation to how it describes the person you are comes across without any question or doubt. However, I would like to point out some grammatical errors / corrections that I spotted:


- But somehow, I seemed to have always known that I was going to be headed for a career in the patient care field. Maybe as a doctor, maybe as a nurse. So I started by...



- because it taught me...


... PCU unit.


- because it gave me work experience.



- sick babies ...



- really exciting ...


- a birth that left me speechless.


- decided on the career...


- The experience gave me a preview into the cautious world of hospital care that i would not have known without this opportunity.


-babies



- to myself and...


- and becoming successful...


- work in the career that I want .


- but I experienced ...


- ... I want to be a successful person by achieving my own goal of becoming a nurse,,, bring out babies...

Writing Feedback / IGCSE ; Comparitive Essay ( Big Supermarket Vs Local Shops) [4]

Okay, this does not contain the sound of an article. Rather, it sounds like a research paper from the introduction until the middle of the paper. You failed to state your opinion on the matter and discuss the reasons why you are of that opinion. I suggest that you rewrite the paper delving mostly on your point of view regarding the upcoming supermarket chain. Talk about why you think its opening will be good and bad for your community. It would help to talk about the benefits of the local shops in comparison to the big chain. Perhaps discuss how the local economy will either benefit or not benefit from the opening of the big supermarket. For example, will the local farms and producers be affected by the big supermarket? Always make sure to use pronouns that will make it clear that you are stating your opinion on the matter.

Revise your introduction to reflect the public opinion on the matter then introduce your own opinion at the end. Your second paragraph should then focus on the positive aspect of the supermarket chain based upon public opinion. Then the third paragraph should be your personal opinion on the matter. Conclude the article with a reiteration of why you believe in the opinion that you have.

An opinion article is very different from a research paper. This version of your paper is more of a research than opinion article. I strongly suggest you rewrite it using the guides I offered you above :-) I truly hope it helps you out.

Undergraduate / 'When I think about my childhood, my sofa comes to mind' - place or environment [3]


- ... to begin with my imagination running wild.


- Our family sofa had been there even before I was born.


... that a sofa...


- of my sister and I .


- ... my sister, and I


-that is why it is shocking that an inanimate object has such a great influence on my life.
The grammar is quite good for a non-native speaker. You have a very good grasp of the language but can still use some practice until you truly grasp the totality of the language and the word usage. I would like to make a suggestion, could you mention how the old sofa represented the goodwill and kind heart of all your supportive family members? I believe that would make a nice touch towards the end of the essay because it can reflect the physical contentment that you feel when you are with your family members :-) Does that work for you? I hope it does :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS - the best factor to measure the status of a country is its standard of education. [5]

The essay asks what other factors should be considered when measuring a country's success. You mentioned the education as a pivotal measurement of the economic success of a country. Which is why I asked you to concentrate on that part in answer to the prompt "Do you think one factor is more important than others?" As far as your introductory statement is concerned, education is the key factor in determining that success, over and above all other factors.

Yes, you can use even more than 2 paragraphs if necessary to discuss your point of view. But remember to connect how education greatly affects the other factors in order to prove that it is the most important factor in considering the success of a country.

Writing Feedback / How important is to seek the opinions of others when making significant personal decisions ? [5]

In support of Ayman's comments, I would like to add that it would be best for you to rewrite this essay. Regardless of the grammar and punctuation problems, you did not answer the prompt properly. Rather than discussing a personal decision, you chose to discuss political decisions and decisions made in a play. That has nothing to do with personal decisions. So you need to start over and discuss the essay prompt instead.

If you must use a story to illustrate your point, use a personal story about say, how you had to choose what university to attend and how you made a personal decision when considering your choices. Discuss how you spoke to your parents, friends, and other relatives to get their input on the matter and how their opinions helped you in making your personal decision. That way you answer the prompt about how important the opinions of other people are when making a personal decision.

Overall, I would rate this a 5 because it did not answer the prompt but was a very good effort at writing an essay.

Undergraduate / "sea shell" - FAU APPLICATION SHORT ESSAY (140 CHARACTERS) [6]

You totally wasted the first sentence because it did not establish anything in terms of your reply. It was just complete filler material. You should have started immediately with your choice of being picked up and why. The quote does not do anything at all to help describe your decision either. Instead, you should have explained what you expected to have happen to you as a seashell after being picked up. After all, the prompt gave you the choice of being picked up from the sand or not. After making the decision to be picked up, you should have explained why in as short and succinct way as possible.

Some guide questions for you:
What did you expect to see of the world after being picked up?
How would you discover that world while being held in the hands of others?
What can you contribute to that world being a seashell?

A sample answer would be:

I want to be picked up so I can see the world and add to the beauty of my surroundings once I am displayed by the person who picked me up.

Scholarship / 'I always used to be a curious person' - scholarship in manufacturing engineering; motivation letter [14]

Don't worry about the grammatical errors for now. Rewrite the essay first using the guides mentioned by myself and the previous posters. After you finalize the content, we will help you fix the grammatical errors to bring the writing level up to university standards :-) Don't think about polishing it for now. That is not as important as finalizing the content to make you shine as a potential student at the university.

Remember, the cover letter is the first thing that the admissions committee will read. So it is best to show yourself in the best possible light in the letter. Just give some bullet points about what will make you a very good student and some accomplishments. If you don't make the cover letter interesting, they will not read your CV. The cover letter is not a word filler, it is an overview of your CV. So use it to paint your strengths. Yes, you must include some of your personal experience in the cover letter as well. Use bullet points to make it short but also to highlight the content of your CV. Say something like "My relevant work experience includes:(List it down). Then say, "My accomplishments in the field for you to consider are as follows: (list it down) Your main concern is getting the admissions officer to read beyond the first paragraph your cover letter. They need to read it all the way to the end and then look at your CV right after. In this format, you will be able to write an effective motivation letter that will also make the reader interested to get to know more about you through your CV.

Writing Feedback / Ielts - Museums and art galleries be free of charge for the general public [3]


- But there is another...should have a


- ... should charge a basic... use these funds for the upkeep of the museum .


- I will discuss both these opinions in great detail within this essay .
- This is long enough for an introduction. But try to develop longer introduction statements in order to create a solid foundation for your main argument.


-... regardless of their financial status.


- only the wealthy can... not justify the support of education argument .



- Entry to museums should not favor only one faction of society. If funds are necessary there are various ways to create a financially productive museum.


- One way to make a museum earn its keep is by charging a minimal fee for for group tours but not for individuals and students. The fee can be used to keep the exhibits updated and maintained. The government should not be expected nor are they capable of constantly providing funds for museum maintenance. It is much better to charge a ... than closing the museum due to improper maintenance.


-This is a redundancy as you already mentioned this earlier in the essay.

Work on developing the ideas regarding the need to charge a museum fee. The argument is quite short and lacks a hook to make the reader believe in what you are saying. There is plenty of room to develop the arguments of both sides. Take advantage of that in order to create a cohesive and informative paper. Overall, I would give this paper a 7 owing to the grammatical errors and under developed arguments.

Undergraduate / 'I wish to become a Lincesed Practical Nurse' - LPN entrance essay [10]

Here are some ideas for you to consider in regards to how you can show compassion. You could show compassion in your essay but referring to your private life experiences in caring for the sick. This could be in the form of taking care of an ailing relative, neighbor, friend, or stranger whose relationship with your was further strengthened by the illness that you helped the person get through. Having taken care of the ill, you could say that you developed a compassion for them because you realized how hard it was for them to suffer their illness alone because you could only help them feel comfortable to a certain extent. Compassion is all about having empathy for the sick. By empathizing with them, you develop compassion and an advocacy because you wish to help them get better and feel more comfortable as they recover, try to recover, or come to their end of life, depending upon what their illness allows for. You can talk about the suffering that you witnessed and how that changed your outlook in life about the sick and their needs. That will show the development of your compassion and advocacy as well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - the best factor to measure the status of a country is its standard of education. [5]

First for the grammar problems that need to be corrected:


- education is the most important reason of all.
- Your opening statement is too short. No paragraph should be shorter than 5 sentences. There is room for improvement in that regard.


- Apart from the economy...


- Education has a strong ...


- Social services such as ...


- which funds the chargeless...


- Social stability...


- ... is education as it strongly affects ...


- to flourish.Thus , the nation... and increase its wealth .


- For a society to be stable... each individual has a high sense of self esteem...


- ... for example.This country...



- ... natural resourceswere very poor. It is one of the countries...


- year. But with...


- in each Japanese ...


- ... most developed country's in the world.


- argue that the economy is not the only factor... used to measure...

Okay, the main problem I have with this argument is that you never fully explained why you believe that education is the best measure of a country's economic success. That should have been the focal point of your discussion since that was the whole premise of your introductory statement. Yet you failed to discuss that point within the essay. You actually had a very weak discussion about education and how it applies to your point of view.You need to strengthen that and discuss it in greater detail than the other aspects you presented. I suggest rewriting this paper with the new version concentrating on defending your education point of view.

Undergraduate / I gave my hand to a helpless man - Common App Belief essay [5]

This fantastic work! The essay is ready for submission :) The content, the vividness of the description, the end result of your actions, and your sense of accomplishment and maturity definitely comes through very clearly and solidly in this essay! Even your choice of words shows that you have placed great thought and consideration in the way it will affect the overall content of the paper. This answers the essay prompt perfectly. It is obvious that you took our suggestions seriously and applied it to your work. At this point, all I can advise you to do is keep practicing and try to gain even more control over your use of the written English word.

Scholarship / 'I always used to be a curious person' - scholarship in manufacturing engineering; motivation letter [14]

Okay, it would have been nice to read the essay prompt prior to reading your motivation letter. But I will go with what you have provided in order to comment on the paper. First of all, the paper is too simplistic in content. It does not say much about your motivation regarding your proposed major and why you chose to study in that particular country, which I assume is the U.S.

What university is this motivation letter addressed to? The reason I ask is because the information you are providing is too general to be seriously considered as a motivation letter by the college or university. You do not discuss anything about the course curriculum that motivated you to choose this educational institution over the others.

It would be better if you discussed your motivation stemming from your early experiences, detailing one specific event that made you realize why you want to go into this particular field of study.

Please discuss how you feel that you can also positively influence the school community using your own country's traditions and customs. That way you can discuss the possible influence that the society you will be immersing yourself in.

Never, ask the university in a motivational letter about possible employment opportunities. That will raise a red flag and make the reviewer think that you are not serious about your studies and are just planning on using your student visa to get into the country. That last part about the job inquiry is sure to make them disregard your motivational letter and not consider your application at all.

There are too many grammatical errors in this essay to point out. I will not delve into those at the moment because the lack of proper content (introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion) needs to be concentrated on first. After the content is fixed and finalized, then we can start working on cleaning up the grammatical errors of the final version. Good luck with the revision :-)

Undergraduate / Virginia Tech: Stepping on Hokie Soil [7]

It is a good start. I would suggest you number the reasons in first, second, third, etc. format so that the admissions officer will be clear that you are stating 5 reasons. It is also important that you expand upon each reason that you present. Separate each reason into paragraphs so that you will have enough room to fully discuss your reasons and provide examples whenever necessary. For a stronger finish to this essay, I recommend that you mention how you personally embody the 5 reasons that you previously stated and how you and the university can help each other further strengthen the university in terms of academic achievements and community relationship. Any grammar problems are really negligible and can be sorted out once you have revised the essay. That way you don't have to worry about fitting any corrections into the final or 2nd essay form :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL A/D: Companies should use money to reward their employees rather than use public recognition [2]

Let's start off with a few grammar corrections:


- ... number of people havebegun .. whether a company...


- ... seem to believe that a company... it can save the company...


- best reward for ... it lets


- We are living in a world where one needs money in order to survive.


- the price of commodities are ...than the cost in ...


- Therefore, it would not be fair to only give public recognition to hardworking employees. The recognition is good but the employees need money.


- that the company should use...



- employees the motivation...


- They might think... to give them financial rewards,



- Let me reiterate that people need money buy what they need to survive.

This essay is well thought out and crafted. You show a clear understanding of the prompt and offer a deep insight into the matter. Your discussion works well and your conclusion is a strong finish in my opinion. I hope my advice regarding the grammar issues helps you out :-)

Writing Feedback / GRE - Impossible to make a significant contribution without strongly influenced by past achievements [3]


- Every single achievement...recognized for its to progress...ones that set the foundation of the field


- Past success play an important role in the development of a person in his chosen field.


- mostly from scientists who are further developing previous...


- without a serious


- This question is unnecessary as a more important foundation was established earlier.



- This example implicitly articulates


- It ...


-that paved ...


- market participants approached


- This led world famous...to apply Grahams...


- Grahams ideas were endangered by the Great Depression of the 1930's which caused panic among investors.


- ... past achievements always motivate


- This is seen in the world of sports,


- creates a new...




- Remarkable achievements...

The points of discussion that you used were right on track to respond to the prompts. Your examples are so effective and helps to explain your point of view in a solid manner. I hope you don't mind my revising some sentences and pointing out your grammar problems in the essay. I thought it would show you how the essay could flow better as well. Keep practicing. This essay of yours shows your potential to become even better at writing future essays :-)

Undergraduate / LIFE ISNT WORTH LIVING IF YOU ONLY LIVE FOR YOURSELF! BARRY UNIVERSITY PROMPT! [3]

This essay answers almost all of the prompts provided except the question about "How important was it to the people you served?" That portion of the essay was too short. You should have explained more about your interaction with the children and how your activities with them were something that they looked forward to. Perhaps include information about how you developed important bonds with the kids who were very ill through the storytelling time or playtime you have with them. If there is no word limit then I suggest that you work on developing each paragraph even further in order to give a more precise explanation of your experience there and why you will continue to volunteer with the hospital. There are a few grammatical and punctuation errors that need to be corrected but that can be done after you revise the content of the essay because you might decide to rewrite some portions, which would make the corrections moot and academic.

Overall, it was a solid essay that proved how well your understood the prompt. You just need to expand your paragraph discussion some more in order to fully utilize the potential to present a very interesting activity that you had in the best light :-)

Undergraduate / I was told that I'm lucky to receive an education in America - USF college entrance essay [4]

I hate to tell you this but the second essay still does not answer the prompt. The main focus of your essay should be on how you plan to help spread the mission and objective of the school. To quote;


You talk of becoming a neurosurgeon but you never mentioned how it would tie into the mission of the school. Do you plan on doing charity medical care after you become a doctor? Would you somehow manage to promote the Jesuit cause while you do your job as a doctor / surgeon? How do you think you can help the university carry out its mission?

While your life story is interesting and touching, telling your personal story distracted you from the essay prompt. Forget your personal story at this point. Try to think about the mission of the school and list some ideas about how you can help promote their cause. Use that list to write a new essay draft. Don't worry, we will continue to work with you until you get it right :-)

Undergraduate / A Dyslexic Home School Boy Conquers Public School - Common App prompt 5 [2]

Okay, first the bad news. Transitioning from home schooling to public school does not count as a transition from childhood to adulthood. Anything that occurred in your life under the age of 18, which is the age of majority, or adulthood in the United States, does not count as a transitioning event. So you are definitely way off the prompt topic wise. I would suggest that you choose something from your recent life experiences that relates to taking on more responsibility either for yourself or other people in order to properly answer the prompt. Something that showed how you started out with an innocent point of view and then left you with a more mature outlook would also suffice.

Now the good news, you have a talent for writing essays. It is creative and interesting to read your work. You just need to learn to analyze what the prompt is asking for before you start to write. That way you are sure to answer the prompt and not write something that is off tangent :-)

I hope my constructive criticism can help you rewrite this paper closer to what the essay prompt is asking for. You can concentrate on receiving the Greyhound Gala Award instead. Bring that up to the first paragraph and then relate the homeschooling portion of your life and your entry into public school. That way you can use a retrospective point of view to point out your transition from childhood to adulthood :-) Sometimes editing skills come in handy when revising an essay as well. In your case, editing and repositioning some paragraphs and sentences will do the trick :-)

Undergraduate / Senator Mark Kirk - Why do you want to join a Service Academy? (Nomination) [7]

You presented your 3 character traits as part of your justification for your interest in joining the Naval Service Academy. You should discuss each trait individually in terms of how it can help you rise in the ranks of officers and most importantly, how these traits will help you as a career officer in the service of the public. Let us not forget that becoming a member of the navy is more than just about becoming an officer. What is your end goal? Aside from becoming an officer. Will attending the academy help you further develop as an individual? How can it do that? If you have any ideas about how attending the academy will allow you to further assist in the development of the 21st century naval force, you should mention that as well. These are just some interesting points for discussion that can further enhance the content of your essay. Remember, you are selling yourself as a potential naval officer. So sell yourself hard and make sure the essay embodies the very traits that will make you an exemplary naval officer in the future. Good luck with your application :-)

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, there is change in the way people interact because of technology [4]

It would really help to review your writing if you provided the writing prompt for the essay. Over all though, it is a solidly written essay that shows a clear understanding of the effects of technology on the 21st century relationship of people and how they communicate or stay in touch. Mentioning the changes in the way people do business because of technology was a nice touch as well. However, there are a few grammar issues that I feel I need to point out for the betterment of this paper. What I wish to point out are as follows:


- in everything they do in their day-to- day lives...


- in the way people communicate


- Software is the singular and plural form of the word


-helpful in making major decisions without the need to travel to the client location


- The telephone is a basic necessity that allows ...


...


- watching live...


- apart from basic...



- Facebook , one of the ... site allows ...



- has both advantages and disadvantages


- because of the high...


- You should discuss this a little bit more since you mentioned that the way we communicate is changing. Explain letter writing as a dying form of communication.


- helped improve the ...

With 5 being the highest band score, If I were the examiner, I would give this a 3.5 due to the grammar problems present in the essay.

Undergraduate / A broken fridge away to adulthood - Common App Prompt 5 [3]

First of all, I must say that you described a very interesting transition in your essay. The transition from carefree adolescence to adulthood, such as what happened in your case was well described. From the point where you realized that you did not want to spend any money if possible to get the fridge fixed and then the initiative that you took to find out if you could fix the problem yourself, these are all traits of transition. You used a very good life changing incident as the focal point of this essay. There are grammatical errors here and there that need fixing but you really did a good job on this essay regardless of those shortcomings. As to whether you sounded like you were boasting, that is to be expected because you are describing a life transition event and in this case, you have every right to be proud of yourself and the method by which you transitioned to adulthood. Even your retrospective at the end of the essay shows the kind of maturity that you developed while dealing with the fridge problem. You more than answered the prompt. You delivered a well thought out essay. Grammar mistakes aside that is :-) This is definitely a very good attempt at writing an essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Modern Stress - relating factors and potential measures [3]

First of all, an opening statement should have at least 5 sentences in it. I suggest you lengthen the statement by creating an interesting hook for your essay. That will be the thesis that will drive the rest of the essay forward. As for the corrections that I see, you can refer to the list below.


...



- As the world gets more modern and developed...


- we encounter ...


- Our intense work schedule allows very little time for relaxation and holidays due to the ever increasing demands of our careers.


- ... it is very tiring to keep a wide range of relationships


- replace this sentence totally. Environmental pollution does not cause Alzeihmer's. Do not mention any topic that you are not an authority on. Use only topics that are common knowledge so that you will not need to document evidence to support your claims.


- there are some practical measures that can be taken .


- We must keep a healthy lifestyle by getting enough sleep...


- A good and healthy...


- but also results in...


- in an exhausting way...


- go beyond their boundaries , so just be content ...


- we can diminish these problems..

Now for the marking on this essay. If the highest band possible is 5, I would give it a 3 due to the numerous grammar problems and the lack of a coherent opening statement. Keep in mind, this is only my opinion and does not reflect the opinion of the official IELTS examiner.

Undergraduate / 'I wish to become a Lincesed Practical Nurse' - LPN entrance essay [10]

Okay, the main problem that I see with your essay is that it has cookie cutter answers. These are all simple and basic answers that any potential nursing student will give. Your essay lacks the compassion and advocacy that most people who enter the nursing position usually embody. You should create a personal connection between yourself and your desire to become a nurse. Was there something in your life that pulled you towards nursing? That could be the answer to the question "Why do you want to become a nurse?". Has anything in your life prepared you for a nursing career? That is what holds the answer to the question "Why do you believe you would make a good nurse?". And Finally, The duties and responsibilities. The answer to this questions lies deeper than the usual nurse duties of taking vital signs and charting patient progress. You need to create an answer that will make the reader understand that you are willing to go above and beyond the normal expectations of a nurse in order to do your job efficiently and well. The problems with punctuation are not the major concern at the moment. The main concern is getting the essay to answer the prompts properly.

There is a great possibility that you can produce a more personalized nursing personal statement using the aforementioned guidelines. You are trying to convince the admissions board that you are a person who has a nursing advocacy. You understand the meaning of the job, and that you are willing to be selfless for the benefit of your patients. That is how you can entice the admissions board to look further into your application.

Undergraduate / "The Bus" - Common app Prompt; Perfectly Content [7]

By all means, write a new introduction for the essay using my suggestions as a guide or prompt. As for your question, the answer is no. An accommodating person is an agreeable person who is helpful in manner and behavior. A sharer or sharing person on the other hand, is someone who is willing to share his belongings or talent for the benefit of other people. A sharing person is not acquisitive / selfish. While an accommodating person may or may not be acquisitive / selfish by nature. Good luck with the rewrite. I am looking forward to reading it :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Issue regarding the real efficiency of examinations using pen and paper [3]

- The introduction is weak and scattered. You should be presenting your thesis statement by the end of the paragraph and explaining how you will justify your opinion on the matter.

- Do a comparison. What is the students were to take the same tests using computers? Would the results be the same? How would computer based tests be a more effective form of evaluating a student? Would the pen and paper examination mindset be changed if it is proven that computer based tests are better at assessing students?

In totality, the essay is very weak because you never gave your personal point of view regarding examinations. This paper will greatly benefit from a personal point of view. Talk about your own anxiety regarding pen and paper tests and how comfortable you are when taking computer tests. That POV will definitely answer the essay prompt and provide an insightful point of view regarding the effectiveness of pen and paper exams.

Undergraduate / "The Bus" - Common app Prompt; Perfectly Content [7]

Hi JacobCub. Let me make some comments and suggestions that I hope will help you get your essay on the right track :-)

The main problems I see in your essay are the character traits that you chose to describe yourself. Those 3 traits do not easily fall into a story about a bus ride. If you don't mind, I would like to change your character traits in order to make the essay work. I would instead choose the traits of friendliness, being a sharer, and accommodating because those will fit perfectly in a bus ride story. I would also indicate that you feel a sense of inner peace (contentment) while on the bus.

For friendliness, you can relate a story about how almost everyone on the bus knows one another because you all take the same bus everyday. Then a new person came onboard one time and, sensing his discomfort, you helped to welcome him on the bus so that he could feel relaxed during the long ride.

As a sharer and an accommodating person, you could talk about how sometimes, the elderly would get on the bus when it is already crowded and, because you get on the bus early on the route, you always get a seat. But every time you see an old person get on the bus, you offer your seat to the person because it is the right thing to do. It shows your respect for others and also allows you to do a good deed for the day.

Now you can talk about how all those three character traits of yours allow you to get on the bus and know that you will start the day feeling content in the knowledge that you started your day doing something good for others.

I hope my suggestions help you with your revision :-)

Undergraduate / "The Bus" - Common app Prompt; Perfectly Content [7]

The main problem with the paper is that you spent too much time describing the bus ride instead of the way you felt while riding it. You should have talked about your 3 characteristics that emerge each time you ride the bus. Then explained how the bus ride helped you achieve each status through a series of interactions with other bus riders. Each experience ending with how you felt content at the end of it. The bus is where you feel content. That is clear. But why you feel content is really unclear. You should revise the essay in order to explain yourself better. The actions you take on the bus are not important. Your sentiments or feelings about the bus ride are. That is what makes you feel content while riding the bus and that is what we are interested in finding out about.

Writing Feedback / The basic part a skeleton of every relationship is trust - reliability as a most important trait [5]

Let me point out some corrections for you. The strikeouts mean to delete, red means to replace, blue means to add :-)


- The basis of...


- The people I choose to become my friends are intelligent...


- have asense of...


- the most important characteristic of a friend is reliability .


...
- Weneed people who ...


- when we get involved...


- when we cannot be a friend to them during their own time of need.


- they betray our confidence, our trust, and their reliability as friends in the future...


- So, if we do not...


- We need...


- Therefore, keeping in mind the previously mentioned ideas about the importance of reliability in a friendship, it becomes easier for all of us to understand why reliability should be the foundation of every strong friendship we make.

I hope you won't mind that I reworded some sentences for you. I just felt the thoughts would flow better that way. I hope you like it. Use this as a reference for your next essay if you wish :-)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] Technologies have suggested everyone in the world. [4]

Hi TiaDS,

You misunderstood me. In this particular essay, you are being required to use your personal opinion so you should always use the first person pronouns when talking about your person opinion. Use the words I, me, my, for starters. As you progress with your writing, your skills will also improve so that you will know how to accurately present your personal opinion in a manner comfortable to you. For example, you can say "It is my personal opinion" or ' I believe that..." or, "It it were up to me..." All of those sentence starters indicate a personal opinion on your part. I realize essay writing can be confusing at times. That is why we are here to help you :-) Don't hesitate to ask more questions if you need to.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] Strategic area for a new school in the town of Canterbury. [4]

Here are a few tips for better wording this essay:


- where two areas are connected ...


- there are two strategic areas being considered for the building a ...


- There is a 5 km distance from Sturry to the planned... with a population of


- ... is located between the housing...


- The university can be seen in the Northeast of S1 with the Town Centre to the west. The main road connects the Town Centre to Sturry.


- The planned area... is situated in the Town Centre which is a no traffic zone.

I hope my advice will be beneficial for you. Overall, this is a very informative piece of writing that shows a clear understanding of the reading material provided. Good work :-)

Undergraduate / "it's the mark of a great player to be confident in tough situations" college essay [3]


- (This is a word count limited essay. Do not waste the words with fillers. ) my first job in the ...elementary teaching ...


- One time , I was called in...


- keep the kids quiet...


- ... "Mrs. Murray, I did ask the children to speak in whispers if they had to talk to each other"...


- ... have hired irresponsible...


- chose to be polite



- excitement in their eyes...


- ... for placing us in a situation where we could learn from each other


- Put this in the first paragraph as your hook. Say "John McEnroe once said something that I believe best explains my journey..." then place the quote.

The hook at the beginning is what will set the tone for your paper. That tone cannot be set by a question.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] Technologies have suggested everyone in the world. [4]

Please allow me to make a few corrections for you:


- use the wo
rds advantages and disadvantages as those are the key words in the essay prompt.


-Watching television... (food is the plural form of the same word)... gives a convenient...


- This sentence does not help the essay move forward. Keep it simple. Instead, just say that the television helps people unwind and relax after a hard day at work.

- Do not mention comparisons to other countries. Instead, talk about the overall convenience of having a car. You can still use traffic and crime as a reference point but leave out Indonesia as the car is something the whole world uses.


- In addition, sophisticated devices have been said to cause illnesses.


- excellent distraction tools .


cause diseases ...


- vehicular accidents

-Explain why drivers cannot safely drive cars. You need to research more about the overall effects of climate change and explain how it affects people.

Aside from the above grammatical errors that I caught, I have to also point out that you never solidly gave a personal opinion on the advantages of technology in everyday life. You gave general opinions. The important word here that is missing is I. Always say, "I believe" or, "My opinion is..." in order to align your essay with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / The basic part a skeleton of every relationship is trust - reliability as a most important trait [5]

The most important thing you accomplished in this essay is that you understood and successfully answered the prompt. However, the essay is confusing because you mention other traits as well instead of just mentioning one characteristic and spending the rest of the time discussing only that. There was no need to mention any other trait because you were not being asked to mention other traits in the prompt. Your introduction and thesis could have been best served if you immediately presented an overview as to why you believed that reliability is the most important trait in a friend.

This is not a bad essay for something written in 30 minutes. After the scattered first paragraph, you seem to have gotten your direction in the succeeding paragraphs. I would have liked to seen a longer explanation and justification for our belief but I believe that you did a good job using the time allotted.

Undergraduate / "my grandparents' home in Jordan" - a place you feel content; Personal statement for CPW [3]

Rephrase the following sentence: The grown ups sit around a large wooden table together while the younger children go and sit at separate smaller tables.

- The grown ups would gather for the meal around a large wooden table while the younger children would go sit at a separate smaller table adjacent to the large wooden table

You have written an essay in an almost native speaker tongue. That is something that I commend you for. You thoroughly understood the prompt and answered it quite imaginatively. Your description of the events that unfold at your parents house springs to life in the imagination of the reader. Another good thing about this essay is that you went further and explained the lessons that you learned there, which gives further credibility as to why you would truly feel safe and content at your grandparent's house. I rephrased the sentence that you asked to be rephrased. I hope it works for you.

Keep up the good work. This is a very good essay paper. You should be proud of your work :-)

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 1] The proportion of energy from coal [4]


- does the data for Germany and France come from 1995 as well? I suggest that you mention the year the data covers for those countries so that the reader will know if the information is all connected or should be considered independently. This kind of report is very information precise and requires factual data in order to be considered authoritative and academic.

Graduate / 'I found my favorite area' - SoP- Phd in Antropology [4]


- I decided to pursue ...


- I would to work in the academic...


- my chosen career


- always a very curious, dynamic, and observant person.These are features that I consider...


- I graduated with an ...


- and during this time I improved...


- I participated in different...


- which is the students academic representation


- student assemblies


- a representative of the students I had to attend meetings at the Biology...


- new methods being utilized.



- lab assistant researching the ...


- after a year of dedicating...


- goal was to continue...



- to mentor me in a master's degree project doing research on behavioral...


- something new where I would ...


- asked for help from a professor... and from a student in...


- I worked on ...



- the feeling that I can and need to...

Those are the grammatical errors I spotted that need to be cleaned up in order to make the SOP more professional looking. Overall, you have created a coherent essay that represents your interests, goals, and ambitions quite well. It just needs some tweaking and revising in order to achieve that. Good luck with your application :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS : rural to major city : challenges and strategies? [7]

Pyon9x, I would suggest that you revise this essay in its totality. It has a lot of grammatical problems that need to be addressed and the discussion itself is weak and does not offer much in terms of strategies for immersing oneself in a new country / environment. To begin with:


- The opening statement is way too short. You should not address the reader directly by posing a question because the prompt does not call for that. Also, you need to clarify if you will be discussing migration to a new country or a new city and then stick to that discussion. I would suggest moving to another country because that calls for more adjustment and strategies in order to adjust to a new life.


- Say "Moving to a new country almost always produces a language barrier because each country speaks a different language. Even the English language has the British and English version and sometimes those 2 languages are in conflict as well." Then talk about the difficulties of being a second language learner and how that prohibits the smooth adjustment of the immigrant in the new country.

Your second argument is quite sound. I would suggest developing it more by explaining how immigrants have a hard time overcoming their old traditions in favor of new ones and then discuss how that hinders his assimilation into the new culture and way of life that he has to get used to.

Your conclusion should include suggestions on how to best overcome the language barrier (such as enrolling in language classes) and culture shock (by slowly adjusting his thought process to the new culture) in order to solidify your argument and present strategies regarding how to deal with the hindrances the immigrants face.

I hope you can use some of my suggestions. Good luck with revising the paper. I look forward to reading the 2nd version :-)