Undergraduate / Rice supplement - short answer. why the Natural Sciences school? [6]


^I personally found all of this boring and irrelevant. It seems more like a desperate attempt to convince your reader that you like knowing how things work. I do not see any harm in removing all of the material that I have just quoted.


^The vast field of explored study is discovered. That is how you know about it. Your choice of words is wrong.


^If it is 'outstanding', would you like to explain how. 'Outstanding' is subjective, therefore I think it is important that you explain what makes it 'outstanding'. Perhaps, some explanation on 'creative' would also help, so that it appears that you actually have an understanding of the program, rather than just using flattering words in hopes of gaining admission.

Undergraduate / Eccentricity, Drive and Concentration: BU supplement [5]


^How does having an opinion, or having an unusual sense of experience, or even not having the usual school experience, imply that your passions are understanding the strange world?


^How is your outlook on life unique? Many people are funny. Many people have opinions. Many people do not have the usual school experience. (For example, the class clown is funny, has his own opinions and may not have the usual school experience due to detentions or expulsions, whatever). The class clown can also think want to understand the strange world. No, I think your use of the word 'unique' is way too flattering.


^Absurd humor can also be really inappropriate and really unfunny jokes. Neither of these attribute to creativity. In my opinion at least.


^How can you bring abnormal intensity to reading before bed? I assume, that you are already in bed and reading a book. Does not seem to be too intense.

I can see that from then on, you have decided to ramble. I admit that I have stopped reading the essay, and that perhaps is something that should concern you, because as a reader I have lost interest. You are not getting to the point. How will your three qualities contribute to BU's diversity.

Undergraduate / "all processes of creation" - Rice Supp - Why Engineering? [6]


^Is randomness and unpredictability, actually seductive in your opinion?


^I do not understand how just thinking about science, can make you feel this. Perhaps, 'imagine' would be the more appropriate word in this context?


^Do you feel priceless, or is the Mastercard commerical priceless?


^If you are thirsty, you do not gobble. You drink instead, to quench your thirst.
Do you always listen to your father explain while you read textbooks and websites? Always? Because I would have thought that after a while, it can get a bit distracting.


^What are you talking about?


^If you have a craving for logic...then why did you say that logic reminds you of a bubble gum brand?


^O no. How did a light bulb pop out of his head? Did his head explode or something?

*P.S I do not get the relevance of the mouse story. You also do not give enough detail or reasoning as to why you are


Rather, you give a fairly decent narrative, albeit the errors in grammar and content. However, for the most part, the narrative seems relatively ineffective due to it's irrelevance.

Undergraduate / Tepper School of Business & International management; Why Carnegie Mellon? [6]

^How did you become interested in international management exactly? if you are trying to relate yourself as a businessman, since you were youg, to international management, then the main question is, did you sell these drawings on an international scale?


^...This line is a bit cliched for my liking. The barter system has existed for over a 1000 years, even before educational institues existed. The principle of supply and demand is arguably the simplest thing in business studies.


^What story? When did you tell your father a story?
i do not think your use of the word 'give' is correct.


^Then? When??


^Them? What does 'them' refer to. Especially since nothing in your sentence is in the plural form.


^You do not say how.


^CMU knows this. What does this mean to you?


^Do you know what 'ubiquitous' means? You have used it incorrectly over here.
blah blah is definitely interesting, but i doubt it will do you many favors with the CMU Admissions Committee.

You do not answer the question in enough detail.

^You do not say why you have chosen CMU. Nor do you say why you have chosen those majors, goals or work plans.
(You do not say why you want to study international management or mech engineering at CMU)

Undergraduate / Cornell U. College of Arts and Sciences suppl. essay. [4]


^i assume its too late?

Undergraduate / Rice Supp -- How will you contribute to Rice? [4]


^'on' your ear?


^Godlike soccer players? Contrary to the common misconception, not all Brazilian footballers are 'godlike'.
who 'dwelled'? (Use the pronoun 'i' so it is clear)


^Whose beliefs are you referring to in the first sentence? The Canadians? in that case, make it clear instead of grammatically ambivalent.
Also, Canuck is a slang. The term you are looking for is 'Canadian'.
Your secend sentence, the third clause, needs grammar revision.
Also, just teaching your few friends about your culture does not open their minds to the diversity of the human race. The human race is much more diverse than just Brazilian culture, as there are many many many cultures in the world that differ from each other.

*Your essay seems ridiculously long. Are you sure there is no word limit?
i can not muster the strength to read through, and also, other people need some help on this site and i did help you yesterday :)

Good luck

Book Reports / What are some ideas for writing a compare/contrast essay for my novel? [7]


^How do prose and native phrases give the reader a sense of familiarity exactly?
Assuming that the reader is unlikely to be familiar with the native phrases in the book, that is. Also, do all readers identify with prose?


^What raises awareness? The prose and native phrases? The reader's familiarity??

What is your thesis exactly?
Also, this site is very busy and therefore, the probability of someone attending your thread in the space of an hour can be unlikely. Patience is the key :-)

in regards to your introduction, there are many grammatical errors. A copious amount in fact. i also do not know what your thesis is. it appears more as if you are just about to introduce your thesis actually.

Undergraduate / Alaskan's cornell engineering essay [2]


^Did the passion grow older?




^How is this related to stimulating the visual mind, being engaged in math and contributing to society all at once?

i really liked the piano angle, but i not quite understand it's relevance to the middle, or the overall content, of your essay.
You do not suggest how you shall apply your creativity, or your longing to apply it eigher.
Also, perhaps some more detail on 'Why Cornell' would it clearer that you want to study there.
For the most part, a lot of your essay seems irrelevant. You do not the first sixty percent or so with the type of student you are nor do you link it with your educational aspirations and your desire to study at Cornell.

Btw, hasnt Cornell's deadline passed?

Undergraduate / "I'm a GLEEK" (glee show obsessed)- TUFTS self-identity SUPPLEMENT [7]


^i do not understand how rice and Manny Pacqio, barred your limitations.


^Does it no longer provide a push?


^These examples are not broad enough to convey a roller coaster of human emotions, in my opinion.


^How did you discover this, and how did you become a leader?

**For the most part, your essay is unclear. i do not understand the point you are trying to get across, or how these points suggest who you are.

Undergraduate / Common APP Essay- High School Basketball Chronicles [7]


^it does not sound weird.
Read any autobiography. The defining moments of the author's career are described in the past tense.
Your use of the present tense in this essay, starting from the very first line, seems more like a failed attempt to be dramatic for a college admission essay.

Graduate / Goals essay. This is how I envision my career in a ten year horizon [6]


^i understand what you are doing here, but i strongly question the effectivness of this narrative. it is rather cliched for my liking, and it is almost as if you prepared this because you are trying to impress your reader, rather than genuinely impress the reader.


^Unless you can prove that this statement, you can afford to remove it because as it stands on it's own, it is redundant.

Your essay is very long and i lost interest in reading it almost half way through. The entire paragraph, on AiESC, needs to be expressed more succintly. Also, i could not quite tell if your experience there was


if it was not, then i could not quite garner any practical use for that paragraph.


^You do not discuss this in any detail that effectively conveys the importance of you studying the MBA, for your unspecified goals.

You can take my advice or ignore it completely. Either way, good luck with your application.

Undergraduate / A products design features depend on the user; SOP for masters in industrial design [3]


^You can remove this. This is just factual and boring information, which fails to convey any real information about yourself as a candidate (apart from the fact that you understand the basics. Which naturally, all applicants should)

Undergraduate / gender, children's literature and emergent consciousness ?? [3]

Gender is understood to be a social construct. The ways in which people act supposedly determine gender.
i would not have assumed so, but perhaps literature is influential enough to allow a child to identify with a character, in which case the child may try to act like the character, even though biologically, the character is of the same/different sex but projects itself to be of a different gender. Therefore the child, in attempting to recreate the character by acting it out in real life, may lead to gender confusion?

i really do not know, for i have not done any research on this nor am i qualified to give advice. What i have done is suggested my opinion, which i hope can help you in some way.

This seems like an interesting topic, that does require a fair amount of research (Kimmel does a lot of research on gender identity, so perhaps you can refer to him).

By the way, this thread does not belong in the Undergraduate Admissions Essays section.
Anyways, good luck

Undergraduate / USC Transfer Essay - What Matters To Me and Why? Environmental Internship Essay [9]

Judging from the essay prompt, i doubt you have to relate your essay to your academic interest.
Thought id just point that out, in case you may consider revisiting your essay and redoing it.

Undergraduate / Tour d'Irene, Common App Essay: Topic of my choice. It's a bit long... [2]

it is very easy for me, as a reader, to lose interest in this essay. The length itself is rather discouraging. if you yourself acknowledge that it is pretty long, then perhaps you could consider removing the redundant, cliched and boring segments of your essay.

You seem to be discussing too many topics as well. There is a discussion on Queens, the Queen's library, and the Tour de Queen.

id assume that the Tour de Queen is the central focus of your essay, which questions why you would even bother discussing the library since it has no relevance to the story.

Your essay needs to be more concise. Omit irrelevant information. if you are trying to make a link, make sure these links are well pointed out.

Undergraduate / "a Smart blonde and a UFO" - Intellectual Diversity Essay for UM [3]



^i dont quite understand this. Are you interests different from those of a Physics enthusiast? Or do you not match the stereotype of a Physics interest?


^Just to clarify...did your advisor insist for you to switch majors, or did you insist to him that you wanted to switch?



^Yea, your last sentence is pretty good. The first one can do with some revision though.

i dunno, i liked your essay because of i thought your opening was good, and so was your closing, whilst your essay was brief.
However, what exactly did the essay prompt ask for in terms of intellectual diversity? From there, it would be easier to determine the extent to which you are addressing the promt.

Anyways, best of luck
x

Graduate / Goals essay. This is how I envision my career in a ten year horizon [6]

No probs. i can see that i made a number of typo errors, but i blame the keyboard :-)
Try and research the business program, the uniqueness of it at the institute that you are applying to, and try and link this to your academic, personal and professional interests. That should make a remarkable difference.

Good luck

Undergraduate / Sentence structure help, Does this puncuation make sense/flow? -BU COMMON APP [7]


^You can either remove this, or try and come up with a more engaging sentence. The grammatical error proceeding the first word, followed by the cliched expression, should realistically fail to do you any favors.

Keep thinking. Keep trying. And produce.
Writer's block is unfortunate at times, however it is just a challenge, like all others, that just needs to be overcome

Undergraduate / What appeals you to Emory University, aside from the obvious. Emory Supplement [5]


^i am sure there are better and more convincing reasons for you wanting to choose Emory.



^Even though this sentence proceeds your earlier statement, this sentence fails to validate your realization on the subjective claim that Emory is immensely well rounded and presents various opportunities. Perhaps an example how, will prove to Emory that you are interested and you actually did do research on the Uni.


^i think youd find that most colleges in the US do allow students to engage in sports. Whether the students engage in sport, is something else...


^What does this mean to you?


^it sure is generic, and it sure is info that Emory already knows. You need to relate the key points of Emory to your interests and what you are looking for in a college experience.

i also think your first three sentences are useless.

Undergraduate / Sentence structure help, Does this puncuation make sense/flow? -BU COMMON APP [7]


^its a bit cliched and lame. When could you start remembering? Do you even remember that? i understand that you are trying to suggest that you have been drawing for quite some time now, however doing so through the use of a hyperbolic platitude is boring, which would be a shame since i think that the four proceeding lines are quite interestingly written.

Undergraduate / Sentence structure help, Does this puncuation make sense/flow? -BU COMMON APP [7]

How about something, short, simple and direct. i think those three when added up can make an interesting start to an essay.
So how about just:

'i have always loved drawing.'

if you dont like that, then how about something to that effect? Something short, that captures your reader's interest, and then allows your reader to read on?

Good luck. im off to bed.

Graduate / My desire to become an accountant began when I was young! [4]


^This is your opening sentence and your reader is already presented with an unrealistic, boring cliched, statement.
An interest in numbers and math in general, as a youngster, does not necessarily imply or have any relation to being an accountant.


^What are your professional objectives? That is what the essay prompt is asking for.


^You have not stated clearly, what your goals are.


^This is your goal. Why?


^Add some more detail to suggest how the academic program relates to your interests.


^it defintely does read as a rough draft. There does not seem to be any real interest in wanting to attend this University. You do not specifically point out the benefits of the institution and the program, and how they relate to your goals.

You also, do not give sufficient detail as to what your goals are. Perhaps you can even say, why you have such goals?
Research the program and Uni, and relate the unique aspects of it to yourself and your goals.

Undergraduate / "You are perfect just the way you are" - Villanova lesson i have learned [8]

its an interesting read, and fairly well written.


^i would not suggest starting off with the first sentence, because it gives away what the whole essay is going to be about. You could potentially lose reader interest.

id suggest starting off with


^Remnove the 'insecure' sentence completely and replace it with the Jenn Aniston one. i think, in that way, youve got a more interesting and powerful introductory paragraph.

Your ending is very cliched unfortunately. Also, appreciating buglife and realizing a much needed break does not support the concept of 'beauty is in the eye of the beholder'.

Undergraduate / Common Application Main Essay: Call me bro (topic of my choice) [3]


^You would say 'i need help!' becuase you needed him. What is there not to know about why you did that?

Youve got an interesting ending. However, the earlier parts of your essay suffer from grammatical errors, coupled with many wordy and some redundant sentences, which in effect dulled the essay.

improve the narrative slightly by making it more engaging. i understand that this is hard to do, but remove sentences that are merely superfluous. Remove sentences that attempt to be overly dramatic. Remove sentences that are just building on a point made in the previous sentence, as well as the sentence before that one.

Make it more concise.
Also, your introduction is not very engaging in my opinion and instead i found it rather trite.
Good luck man.

Scholarship / Medea from Jason and the Argonauts, Essay on One of the Mythological Characters [10]


^Before i read on, what is 'accuracy' based on? What needs to be 'accurate'?

Graduate / LSE- Grad Adm Essay on Development - rate my intro & Conclusion! [4]


^is that your interpretation of an 'ah-ha' moment? Mine is different. Therefore, your use of the pronoun 'we' is too general and broad, because clearly we have different understandings on what an 'ah-ha' moment is.


^its quite unclear as to what it is you are trying to say here. Revise your expression and grammar, so that your meaning can become clearer.


^i question your use of the word 'barren'. What image are you trying to create here?; what do you mean?


^This clause should not be seperated by a comma.


^How did you get, this 'insatiable desire to learn.'


^is sustainable development and the role of gender in childhood education related to an '


?
i would not have thought so. Therefore, i do not see the reason as to why you would mention your 'insatiable desire to learn' about something that is not directly related to your academic interests (i presume microfinance and energy procurement is an academic interest of yours, since you have stated that that interest has led you to apply to LSE)


^Then why would you want to study at a classroom in LSE?


^You actually presented the girls and women in the village as victims and not as women with chances.

*Clearly, there are a number of points that need to be addressed
-You do not say why you are applying to LSE, and how an educational institute such as LSE can help you professionally, academically or both.

-You do not clearly discuss an interest in academic program, the reasons for your interest and an explanation as to why you would like to pursue your interest at LSE.

^(Assuming this is a personal statement that you are writing)

Undergraduate / "my never-give-up attitude" - Villanova: Lesson you have learned in your life [8]

it starts off fine.

^After that paragraph, including the one that i have just quoted, your essay becomes boring. The personal narrative shifts to just a more general overtone.


^i found all of this boring. Perhaps because it is a bit cliched in my opinion.
i was expecting an interesting altercation between yourself and the teacher, and how this taught you a a lesson that is worth sharing with others.

What you have provided, in my opinion, is just too general and not interesting. This is just my opinion however.
i guess the 'overcoming a challenge' concept is good, however i disagree with the way you chose to discuss it in some of the last paragraphs.

Undergraduate / Transcripts from Community College Courses- Stanford [2]

Ask Stanford?

if you are applying as a transfer, id imagine theyd want a transcript as soon as possible. Judging from the thread however, i assume you are applying as a freshman.

Therefore, perhaps your latest college transcript needs to be sent with your Mid-Report? Or as soon as it is made available?
i am not too sure on this, but id definetely like to know the answer because its an interesting question.

Worse comes to worse, just call and ask Stanford. if no one else on this site knows, and you happen to find out by yourself, post the answer here? it shall serve a helpful purpose for candidates who find themselves in a similar position :)

x

Undergraduate / "You are perfect just the way you are" - Villanova lesson i have learned [8]

i would not say 'remove it', as much as id suggest that you 'improve it'.

A conclusion can help. An effective conclusion can help a lot.

Undergraduate / "my never-give-up attitude" - Villanova: Lesson you have learned in your life [8]


^Well, it so happened that i was online around the same time that you decided to post the thread and that it was an unanswered one that to. You lucky person you! Lol


^You dont have to. its just what i thought about your essay. if you are comfortable with your essay, you neednt change it.


^Well, i thought that you were building up to a moment where you perhaps, just EXPLODED at the teacher for ignoring your views and considering them invalid. i thought that your essay was going to be a discussion on how insights should not be discredited and that parochial views just cause resentment and dislike, and how this has taught you about open-mindedness.

i thought that was the direction your essay was heading in, but clearly, it did not end up there.

Anyways, good luck with your app.

Undergraduate / Application to Summer Program (@MIT, process similar to MIT application) [3]

is this an extra-cirricular or hobby?

Graduate / Statement of Intent - Master os Sci.Programm in Hospitality [4]


^How does being caring and creative, draw you to hotel management and hospitality?

instead of providing a life story, perhaps you should consider discussing why you are interested in your academic field, why you feel the need to pursue higher education, why you would like to study at the Uni you are applying to, and how the Uni suits your personality and interests.

This is a personal statement afterall.

Undergraduate / I absolutely love the notion of diverse community; U Maryland College [3]


^This is just a general cliche. it is boring. it sucks. Remove


^How can there be no color? Did no one practice religion at all??
Obviously if you are the only minority, people may find you interesting. They may think you are different, or an 'alien' as you put it, because in effect you are. This does not mean that these people do not appreciate diversity. in fact, the fact that they were 'fascinated' only suggests that they are interested in diversity and want to know more. if these people ignored you, or discriminated against you, that defies diversity.


^Polish your grammar in this section.

Yea, in fact your grammar suffers in the whole of the last paragraph.


^You also do not answer the prompt properly.

Undergraduate / "Indefinite Growth" - Texas A&M - My Answer to Essay B [5]

Well, first impression is that the read itself is quite boring.
Also, is just 'reading a book' an issue of importance to you?

Graduate / Marketing and Brand management masters programme in Lund University, letter [5]


^The third sentence is constructed poorly.
The fourth one is also awkwardly expressed.
What was a marketing position?

I found your essay quite boring, quite possibly due to the way in which you wrote the letter.
Is there an essay prompt?

Undergraduate / Growing up in Art, and Grade Stress ~ UCF prompts [3]


^Can a family history consist of blood?


^United States?


^Does not make sense. The first clause does, but whatever proceeds it does not.


^Where is this coming from?


^You were learning about Twain and Orwell, before you could stand?


^How are your views unique exactly?


^Yea, there is nothing in your second paragraph that conveys the fact that you were unable to live or that you were dieing, or on the verge of dieing.

Essays / Argumentative Essay on ADHD [4]

So whats your thesis then?

Scholarship / being somebody constructive in the world - Why do I deserve this scholarship? [3]


^Lame cliche.


^Gramma is quite poor.
First impression=Poor

What makes you a good college student? You have not answered this succintly.
Instead, tyohe body of your essay is focused on you discussing a class and why you liked it.

Undergraduate / "I wanted to be a boy" - U of Wisconsin statement [12]


^Everything read fine until here.
How is the grass greener on the other side? What exactly are you talking about?
I think this whole paragraph is quite ineffective actually. I do not quite understand the point you are trying to make.


^I guess you are sharing a perspective.
However, I am not entirely sure what your perspective is, even though the essay started off on an interesting ntoe.

Are you trying to say that you wish you were a boy, (even just for a day-Beyonce song), but you have come to terms with the fact that you are a girl.

You do not discuss how you learnt this and what made you realize this.

Undergraduate / Why OSU? Hard work, resources and research facilities [5]


^I personally find this opening rather cliched. How did such events lead you to decide on a career in finance and economics? In fact, why would such events lead you to decide on a career in finance and economics? Perhaps an explanation on how such events led to your interest in finance and economics would support your claim.

EDIT:

*For the most part, your essay is generally cliched and contains a bit of unnecessary and irrelevant information. Just say why you want to study at Ohio State, how will it help you if you studied there, and what makes Ohio State special for you.