Undergraduate / 'the importance of education' - STANFORD- intellectually engaging experience. [5]


welcomed by


seemingly unrelated Chinese words
seemingly to whom?


separate it as a new sentence


I don't think that the last paragraph is relevant.. you have to end with a thought that gives an impression of intellectual engagement.. not what you learned from this experience..

Overall, in my personal opinion, this should be titled as a significant experience rather than what you find intellectually engaging.. You just mentioned briefly why it's engaging, and spent a whole paragraph in the end explaining why it's significant.. Talk about how it stimulated your mind, how it made you use parts of your brain you kept unused.. Make it an exciting experience, that mostly happened inside your mind.. ;)

Good Luck!!

Undergraduate / Stanford Short response "intellectually engaging" [3]


Questions roam around my head regarding this concept, like what does infinity look like, is the infinite galaxy just our galaxy repeated, or what will happen in the eternal afterlife, will we just simply live forever?

You can make the questions clearer.. I get your point, but the admissions dude might not..
like saying: is the infinite galaxy nothing but a repetition of ours? Or do the stars and planets fade away, and transform into something new and foreign to us?

Dunno, somethin like that!

Until I get an answer I will keep wondering and thinking of this perplexing and questionable concept until infinity.

It's better if you omit this question and replace it with another more powerful ending. You want to leave a strong impression for the reader to actually remember your essay! ;)

But overall, good job! I like it!

Undergraduate / 'The Grameen Bank' - Stanford Supplement - Intellectual Vitality [5]

I think you can have a stronger ending..
Hehe, I saw Professor Yunus in person.. He was giving a speech on the day of the opening of King Abdullah University of Science and Technology in Saudi Arabia.. he spoke about his experience.. he was very inspiring.. Nice topic choice!

Undergraduate / English 231 Intertexual Analysis Essay about Women's Strength [4]


7 pages :P.. writing 7 pages is way easier than giving feedback on a piece of writing that long :P

Undergraduate / Studying in a boarding school away from family and folks - Apply Texas Essay A [7]


Thanks.. :P


You can substitute this last sentence with an imagery of how you live your life grandly.. like a concluding idea, since you introduced the idea of living grandly right before your last sentence..

Poetry / The Barber (a very short poem that I wrote). [8]


Good point..

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]


hehe.. I think I think so too ;)


I agree.. I write better than I speak.. My impromptu speaking skills are weaker than my impromptu writing skills, maybe because it's easier to think about what you will write next (if you're a good typer) rather than focusing on saying the words right then continuing on to the next idea.. and if you hesitate you can't "delete" or use a "backspace" button to correct it..

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay The new movie theatre may be built in your neighborhood. [3]


If the new theater is created, he will reach it quickly.


The last reason, or cause..


Another reason is to.... I didn't get the idea.. end it with a period instead of a comma

ok.. your organization is okay.. but you shouldn't write "when" you should use if instead because it MAY be built.. and you have to focus on the verb tense.. to make it unified and appropriate..

Scholarship / The field of accounting + paid experience + scholarship action - Syracuse Essay [4]


Focus on your family here


Grammar..



Do you think you answered the question well? I understand why you're into accounting, and what influenced you.. but It doesn't who why Syracuse is what you chose..

by the way,, this should be posted under admissions essays.. not general writing questions

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]


I'm an "ESL", too.. but as long as you can write and you have solid ideas and opinions, you can always develop voice in your writing.. Voice is difficult to develop in your writing even for natives.. so I think that if you are good enough to make sentences you can always have voice.. but it will need lots of feedback and trying to put urself in the audience's shoes to practice using it..


I partially disagree.. because I think voice is what involves the reader and the writer.. so it's not related to the passion but the ability to make the reader feel the passion..


I agree :)


yep.. it is :P

Poetry / The Barber (a very short poem that I wrote). [8]

Hehe, I love your ending.. but I don't really get the connection between the barber and an archaeologist..

Writing Feedback / Excellence Is The New Average (Thesis trouble) [5]

The essay doesn't belong here :S

Undergraduate / A moment of epiphany- Essay of my choice [4]


hear*..
They are overused sentences anyways.. try to find a new way to express it..


they need to be appreciated? don't they need care and attention..?


Cliché ending..

I don't know, it's a pretty nice story but I didn't quite feel it well.. if it's an admission essay, you should reflect it more on yourself.. The first paragraph is unneeded.. don't write "2nd", it's "second"..

I think you should narrate it from a different angle, maybe start the story from when you were called to tell the story to give the "impromptu" impression..

Undergraduate / Implications of Time Travel - Stanford Essay on Intellectual Vitality [5]

No problem =)

Writing Feedback / Vibhuti, as our camp was called! - A Spiritual Camp [3]

Hehe, I'm nicknamed Maya :P

Nice use of questions.. and your tone is pretty good.. you have a well-written essay here -in my opinion..
Your style of writing that paints a picture in the readers mind is great..

Hmm, but how long should the essay be? Because it took me a while to read it :P.. and you do have some grammatical errors here and there, just keep proofreading..

Undergraduate / UC application personal statement... Major Chemistry... [2]


rephrase, sounds weird..


OMIT.. don't mention anything you will mention in the rest of the application!!


OMIT..

In the first prompt, you didn't mention about what you gained from your involvement.. and your phrasing should be improved.. I can see that you have a lot of experience and it would be a shame if a weak essay ruined your chance to be accepted..

---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------


Try not to mention something you've mentioned before.. use your chance to write a second essay to introduce new things..!


grammatically incorrect..


TOO arrogant..


we already know that from your first essay.. and it is irrelevant to the 2nd prompt.. it doesn't relate to the person you are..

Overall, you have to rephrase many things that doesn't sound right in both essays,, and you have to focus on relating your essay to the prompt.. you have to reflect both essays on yourself..

Undergraduate / Implications of Time Travel - Stanford Essay on Intellectual Vitality [5]


Having read sounds better :P


Niice..

Wow Isaac, this is intellectually engaging.. you have picked the right topic and discussed it really well.. and I like how you end it by convincing yourself and the reader that knowing might make you feel worse than not knowing..

Just improve your wording, otherwise I find your ideas great!!

Undergraduate / Studying in a boarding school away from family and folks - Apply Texas Essay A [7]



(Make it personal..)


You are comparing reading to drowning? not the best metaphor..

Well, you start with talking about boarding school, then you don't go back to the idea in the whole essay.. don't mention it then! focus on the story only, and reflect it on yourself.. talk about how her attitude towards cancer has influenced you..

Rephrase


As an Italian proverb says, "If nothing is going well, call your grandmother". Whenever I come across a situation wherein I feel helpless and feel the dire need to consult someone for some advice the one person I turn to is my grandmother.

Book Reports / Essay on Invisble Man [4]

It flows pretty well.. good job.. I think the title should be -italic- :P but you can't post it here italic anyway :P

Undergraduate / English 231 Intertexual Analysis Essay about Women's Strength [4]

Reading them again and writing notes related to the female characters will help.. read them, and focus on women.. when you write the paper, just connect the notes and explain them, and don't forget to quote.. You can even read literary analysis on these pieces to figure out how others explained them and understood them.. When you write relying on your notes, believe me, they will reach 7 pages and more.. I've been there myself ;)

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Why don't people take action in issues in their communities? inaction results? [3]

I think that you answered the question pretty well, but you keep using the same words, such as ignorance, inactions, and people.. maybe you can add metaphors to avoid using the same terms and make it more interesting..

And you've put the page number between brackets, are you using APA citation? because it's not how you do in-text citation.. you can check out this link to show you how to cite: owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/560/01/

Graduate / I aim to emulate a river / Water is my element - SOP_MS-Chemical_Engineering [8]


Revise:
be it recycled paper, wastewater treatment, developing newer automobile technologies, or using public transportation.


From biotechnology to nanotechnology, and from petroleum engineering to fluid mechanics..

You keep capitalizing names of majors, don't.

It's good.. just keep editing and reduce your grammar mistakes.. Good luck in your studies!! -apparently, we have similar goals.. energy, chemical engineering, but you may be closer to achieving them :P I'm still a high school senior :(

Writing Feedback / I am many things, but as a seventeen-year old; Class Essay About Myself [9]

I really like it.. but don't you think that the ending is kind of a cliché? "I am myself"... can't you use something unexpected,,,, creative? I like what you said, but I totally expected what you were going to say after "And most importantly,"

I'm not saying that it's a bad ending but your reader can see it coming..

Student Talk / Do SAT scores really count? [63]

Eh, I'm taking SAT subject tests this Saturday... I got a 1710 and I kinda don't have another chance to retake SAT reasoning.. last time I took SAT subject tests scores ranged between 610 and 640, I got a high TOEFL score though, and our grading system is based on percentages.. I never took below 99% but I still think I'm gonna get into a lousy college because of SATs!!!

Undergraduate / B.U.- "This is me, and Boston is where I would like to be" essay : )) [3]


Hehe, I LOVED this sentence :P

Overall, I really liked your style of writing.. I think you have a beautiful way to express yourself. However, your essay kinda lacks evidence.. You describe yourself in such a lovely way but have not provided any stories or something to support your statements. You should show more than tell.. Good job though, you have a really nice tone in your pieces.

:)

Undergraduate / Common Application: My Russian Soul [10]


It took me a while to realize that no, this did not mean I should purchase a Russian dictionary.

Wow, I find this a really good essay.. just rely on the previous feedbacks, focus on one verb tense, and keep proofreading..

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / "It was like living in a mini zoo" - UC Prompt #1: My college app. essay [3]

It relates to the essay prompt very well.. I liked it..

In your ending you said that your goal didn't change, which is helping animals, but your path changed.. I think you should include how you will help the animals by being a marine biologist because you mentioned discovering the unknown as what you will contribute to the world as a marine biologist..

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]


Yeah that's what she was encouraging us to do.. Hook is way easier to define and accomplish that voice, because a skilled writer can distinguish a "hook" in his writing, however, voice can only be distinguished by the readers.. like, everything I write has voice in MY opinion, only that doesn't count because I know myself very well :P and because I know the message and the point of what I'm writing..

Undergraduate / UC personal statement- community and family [7]


Hardships can be obstacles that could be overcomed with effort.. you don't want to sound arrogant, you can say that these hardships to others were a "stop" sign but to you is a bump in the road, whether it's a high one or a small one, easy or hard to overcome..


Cliche, overly used..

Oh my God.. I can totally relate you to myself. I, too, intend on being a chemical engineer. I hope we both do well!
I like your essay, and I like how chemistry is all over the place.. You do seem a bit arrogant in some part of the essay.. I do know that you're an achiever and you're a very smart girl, but the hardest thing to do for a smart successful student is to talk about herself and her positive qualities without sounding arrogant. I think that instead of writing good things about yourself, you should write a mini-event that happened to you combining between more than one quality..

Example:


I raised my hand excitedly, "Yes, Brianna?" the teacher called, surprised. "According to Charles's law, when the pressure increases, the volume decreases, which explains the phenomena you've just mentioned." I said. "Well Brianna, someone's getting ahead of her class, don't you think?" the teacher said.

Something like that.. get your reader into the mood... and make it sound that it's from another person's point of view (like making the teacher say that ur ahead of ur class instead of you stating it).. you don't have to narrate the ecxact situation, but something close that would fit and do the job..

Undergraduate / 'My father was born in Bolivia' - Most Significant Person - common app [4]


rephrase


and were falling apart


repetition.. you mentioned that phrase in the first paragraph and your 2nd


rephrase


rephrase


cliche

Overall, your topic is overused, but your dad is from Bolivia, making your situation a bit different. I think you should focus more on your father's background since it is what most makes your essay different. Another thing, I find how you phrase your sentences is a bit confusing. Try to reword your essay and make it as direct as possible with short sentences. I think you can make this a really good essay if only you put more effort on making it unique.. if you do not have a unique essay topic, you should focus on making the content special..

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]

Well our teacher explains voice in an essay as, well, voice! She said that when you read an essay you will notice if the writer has voice or not.. because if the writer does, you will feel that you know him and that you heard him, in other words, you pictured the whole essay as you were reading.. Maybe that's not a really clear definition but I think this is why voice is really hard to accomplish.. and we did "get" what voice meant because the teacher gave us two essays and one of the writers was accepted in Harvard.. The Harvard essay was a very well-written essay, but the other one is what made noise in the class.. Everyone was talking about the writer, some assuming things about his personality, as if he's a person we know already, while in the first essay, we simply knew "about" him..

Anyways, when I want to put some voice into my writings, I try to write as if I'm speaking to the person directly, and not as if I'm writing.. I kept doing that before I know what "voice" was.. and still, most of the times my essays won't have voice unless it was about something that really influenced and affected me and if I was able to make the readers feel my essay.. lool suddenly I feel that voice is like love, you'll never be able to describe it or know it until you feel it..

Oh and another thing.. our teacher also said "hook" about 250 times :P maybe it helps in building an essay's voice.. I mean, if you grab a writer's attention to make it easier for him/her to feel your essay..

Undergraduate / Helpful suggestions needed for essay- Carpe Diem [14]


Compared to the rest of your BEAUTIFUL essay, this sounds like a rather "normal" intro.. I like the ad though :P


Please!! Avoid clichés!! You have such a great essay but I think you have to focus more on a strong ending as well as a strong beginning..!!

Undergraduate / "the person i am today" rutgers diversity prompt [3]


although isn't right here


need to cut off some sentences? this isn't really important :P they don't have to know anyway


Omit that.. it's not ur opinion.. it's true


what other weekend?


looked... was disappointed..


situations, or different kinds of people??

I like your ideas and your essay is well-organized.. you can cut off some unwanted details since you have to chop it off a little.. like the paragraph about signing up for walking, you can attach it to the paragraph before and make it a lot shorter.. like the whole point of the paragraph is saying I hated it but I still stuck to it till the end..

Try to add more rhetoric.. grab more attention.. beautify it!

Undergraduate / Biology, Diversity UC Prompt #1 [5]

You know what your essay has, Alex? Voice.. and that's great..
As a reader, I felt that I can hear you.. and the best thing is to write so that the reader finishing reading thinking that he already knows you..

The first two paragraphs are a nice example of how to answer this prompt uniquely, however, you may have started going off topic after the 2nd paragraph.. I think you should emphasize your community more in your essay.. but I like the connection!! Being a science geek myself, I like spotting connections between science and "life".. so I really like how you think (even though biology is the only science subject I do not enjoy :P)

Undergraduate / "Seek, seek"-common application short answer( elaborate on one of your activity) [4]

Seek, seek and seek!
>> Not the best way to start off an essay.. your idea that you want to grab attention is 100% smart, but don't do it by repeating the same word three times excitedly..

Seeking professional books in the library, seeking university information on the internet and seeking SAT counseling materials in bookstores, I was wondering why I always did these alone.

>>> You ALWAYS looked for SAT counseling and university information? wasn't that like just recently or something? plus, everyone did that, because most students are applying for college now and a lot of them are applying for USA universities so it's not weird that your looking for this information.. Don't mention anything that "everybody does", mention what "Jiani Hu does"

Since we have started our applications, my friends became cautious with each other.
>>> I didn't really get that.. who's we? and how cautious?

Although the application of University is a private matter, how could we be alienated from others?
>> A private matter? and what does that has to do with being alienated?

Considering that, I was determined to launch an organization, providing a communication platform for everyone. Apart from a webpage, I also held group gatherings in order that my friends would work on self-designed projects in groups.

>> OK, so your idea is an organization.. Don't start it with "considering that" because it's the most important thing you mention in the essay so don't undermine it by simply "considering" it.. and don't say "Apart from a webpage" because, again, you're not giving what you did an emphasis and you don't imply that it's important by just "passing by" what you did. What did you put in the webpage? what was it for?

Moreover, via video phone, we even invited the senior schoolmates who was studying abroad to show us beautiful universities.
>>Seniors were on a trip? Or were they graduates who went abroad for college?

Actually, that is how Chengdu Overseas Student Association was founded.
>>> Don't use "Actually".. omit it.. and did you start it? mention that you founded it..

Sharing resources and helping each other, we have had more than 100 members now!
>>> The first part of the sentence is kinda irrelevant to the second part of it..

Overall, I think you have a good idea, but maybe you're having a hard time putting it onto paper.. I think you should delete part of the essay:

"Seek, seek and seek! Seeking professional books in the library, seeking university information on the internet and seeking SAT counseling materials in bookstores, I was wondering why I always did these alone. Since we have started our applications, my friends became cautious with each other. Although the application of University is a private matter, how could we be alienated from others?"

AND focus on the second half to talk more in detail about your organization.. did you make it? what were the organization's mission and vision? Did it make a difference? what did other students think about it?

Undergraduate / "True love" - UC undergrad admission personal statement [3]

It's unique, and I love your style of writing..
However, when a UC admission officer reads it, maybe when he tries to picture you in the university there, he's assume that without love, when you stop believing in it, or when you're heartbroken you will lose everything, and stop trying so hard..

When you write, try to picture the person reading it, and what impression he/she will have after reading it, and whether the way you described yourself in the essay shows that you will adapt and succeed in the university you are applying to..

Undergraduate / Interest in Math and Science - California Institute of Technology [8]

Actually, Jason, your "opinions" are great! Your feedback is very useful.. each time I re-edit my essay in accordance with your advice, I feel that the essay is really improving.. I agree, science and math should be apparent in the essay, rather than just describing broadly..

Hmm, ok I tried to add some details.. Do you thing I don't need the last paragraph now?

Undergraduate / Rape as a topic? [11]

No.. Every student has the right to speak freely and transparently about the challenges..

Many speak about diseases, which may be more of misfortune than your essay. Just because the misfortune was caused by another individual it doesn't mean that it's a challenge that shouldn't be spoken of..

And about ur "getting over" this experience.. You should eliminate some of the before and after in order to put some more details on how you overcame it. This is the most important part of the essay.. because you don't want to talk about rape and leave your transitional phase unexplained.. since you are talking about a very sensitive thing you should put an end to any question a reader may ask.. plus, the admissions will see how you overcome a challenge to see if you can overcome their challenges.. ur kinda eliminating the most anticipated part of the essay..

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Interest in Math and Science - California Institute of Technology [8]

Thanks a lot Jason!!
I do wish you luck.. When I read the essay to my mom she had a feeling that Sam was symbolic.. how can I emphasize the end?

The thing about applying for Caltech, I read a sample essay... someone got accepted for writing about a stuffed animal! It really depends on how you write rather than what you write about.. So the end is where a reader will say,"ohhh" and reads the essay all over and it will mean something else the 2nd time.. how can I elaborate in the end?

Jay, Sam isn't a real person.. I was talking about science and math the whole time, only referring to them as if I were referring to a person I love.

Undergraduate / Chinese Chess - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Essay. Currently overlength )): [3]


The last time I saw him

???

... I like the essay.. actually, I like the story too.. I like how you acted and how you solved the problem..

What a nice choice of topic!