Undergraduate / 'the importance of education' - STANFORD- intellectually engaging experience. [5]


welcomed by


seemingly unrelated Chinese words
seemingly to whom?


separate it as a new sentence


I don't think that the last paragraph is relevant.. you have to end with a thought that gives an impression of intellectual engagement.. not what you learned from this experience..

Overall, in my personal opinion, this should be titled as a significant experience rather than what you find intellectually engaging.. You just mentioned briefly why it's engaging, and spent a whole paragraph in the end explaining why it's significant.. Talk about how it stimulated your mind, how it made you use parts of your brain you kept unused.. Make it an exciting experience, that mostly happened inside your mind.. ;)

Good Luck!!

Undergraduate / Stanford Short response "intellectually engaging" [3]


Questions roam around my head regarding this concept, like what does infinity look like, is the infinite galaxy just our galaxy repeated, or what will happen in the eternal afterlife, will we just simply live forever?

You can make the questions clearer.. I get your point, but the admissions dude might not..
like saying: is the infinite galaxy nothing but a repetition of ours? Or do the stars and planets fade away, and transform into something new and foreign to us?

Dunno, somethin like that!

Until I get an answer I will keep wondering and thinking of this perplexing and questionable concept until infinity.

It's better if you omit this question and replace it with another more powerful ending. You want to leave a strong impression for the reader to actually remember your essay! ;)

But overall, good job! I like it!

Undergraduate / 'The Grameen Bank' - Stanford Supplement - Intellectual Vitality [5]

I think you can have a stronger ending..
Hehe, I saw Professor Yunus in person.. He was giving a speech on the day of the opening of King Abdullah University of Science and Technology in Saudi Arabia.. he spoke about his experience.. he was very inspiring.. Nice topic choice!

Undergraduate / English 231 Intertexual Analysis Essay about Women's Strength [4]


7 pages :P.. writing 7 pages is way easier than giving feedback on a piece of writing that long :P

Undergraduate / Studying in a boarding school away from family and folks - Apply Texas Essay A [7]


Thanks.. :P


You can substitute this last sentence with an imagery of how you live your life grandly.. like a concluding idea, since you introduced the idea of living grandly right before your last sentence..

Graduate / 'More than mere pronouns' Writing my statement of purpose for MFA in design [6]


I am sure that you are creative.. but you have to let the essay readers come to that conclusion themselves..


The readers won't know what's the difference between you and them.. or at least I didn't.. I got the impression that "you" is speaking to my taste as a reader, and "them" as people who aren't similar to me in taste.. like you're putting every taste into perspective when you design.. but you meant something totally different..

How about changing it to "past, present, and future"? since you already wrote about "you" as the present and "them" as the future.. Using pronouns isn't clear..

Writing Feedback / Vibhuti, as our camp was called! - A Spiritual Camp [6]

Ok.. this is going to be a long post.. I'll try to give you as detailed feedback as possible..

"Coming here was an unexpectedly pleasant journey, driving into the midst of the hills around."
>> I know that the second part is part of the first part of the sentence, but it sounds to me like a fragment.. I would split the two and add a verb to the second part..

"So many idyllic village scenes on the way."
>>Fragment

"Vibhuti, as our camp was called , was larger than I had thought.andD riving up to where they were receiving the visitors, it struck me like a college campus(I don't get the connection) -- and that too a very good one. I still think it is so like a large part of some high-end college campus in some developed nation.

Swamiji was standing and talking in a group with some people when we got there. He seemed very ordinarynormal , although dressed in orange robes . OthersSome prostrated or, others touched his feet; I did neither. If anything, tT o me he was at best like a professor in thisthat (I think) place. I caught up with him again after we had deposited our luggage. He was checking out the lecture room and greeted me quitequiet easilyeasily?.. use another adverb .

I wanted to establish a basis of how I would be comfortable communicating with him - and so I asked him directly , " What is the right attitude to have for someone who has more exposure to the Western mode of learning and study?" He asked me a little about myself and then said " Be patient! Patience is the right attitude."

That evening was the orientation and everyone was gathered facing the stage, where on five chairs, four swamis and a swamini were sitting. All were in orange attire and each had the look of a person quite learnedlooked like he had experience in his subject. I felt glad this was not going to be some shallow program.

During what followedAfter that evening, as well asand the next day, I had the attitude only of understanding the meanings of the texts, as they were explained; hoping that somehow these were at the same level as my own understanding of Vedantic philosophy. Maybe, I would even be able to go beyond the understanding I had.

I felt a major shift in my idea about the Chinmaya Mission after a visit to Jeevan Darshan - a museum on swami Chinmaya's life. Here, I understood how the swamis at the mission, and those teaching us, are in fact, working at reviving the deeper aspects of Indian culture. That is,, the spiritual message; and trying to tie together the numerous writings.

You can see the pattern.. you can do the rest yourself (your essay is pretty lengthy). Make sure you have a verb in each sentence, look out for fragments, and divide run-on sentences into smaller ones.. And look at subject-verb agreement.. just simple grammatical concepts.. You cannot find any flaws, I know the feeling, because it's your own.. but try to look at EACH sentence individually, and see if there are any violated grammatical rules..

Good luck! And I'm sorry I can't edit your essay ;) the form is for feedback anyway, not editing..

Poetry / The Barber (a very short poem that I wrote). [8]


Good point..

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]


hehe.. I think I think so too ;)


I agree.. I write better than I speak.. My impromptu speaking skills are weaker than my impromptu writing skills, maybe because it's easier to think about what you will write next (if you're a good typer) rather than focusing on saying the words right then continuing on to the next idea.. and if you hesitate you can't "delete" or use a "backspace" button to correct it..

Writing Feedback / Toefl Essay The new movie theatre may be built in your neighborhood. [3]


If the new theater is created, he will reach it quickly.


The last reason, or cause..


Another reason is to.... I didn't get the idea.. end it with a period instead of a comma

ok.. your organization is okay.. but you shouldn't write "when" you should use if instead because it MAY be built.. and you have to focus on the verb tense.. to make it unified and appropriate..

Scholarship / The field of accounting + paid experience + scholarship action - Syracuse Essay [7]


Focus on your family here


Grammar..



Do you think you answered the question well? I understand why you're into accounting, and what influenced you.. but It doesn't who why Syracuse is what you chose..

by the way,, this should be posted under admissions essays.. not general writing questions

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]


I'm an "ESL", too.. but as long as you can write and you have solid ideas and opinions, you can always develop voice in your writing.. Voice is difficult to develop in your writing even for natives.. so I think that if you are good enough to make sentences you can always have voice.. but it will need lots of feedback and trying to put urself in the audience's shoes to practice using it..


I partially disagree.. because I think voice is what involves the reader and the writer.. so it's not related to the passion but the ability to make the reader feel the passion..


I agree :)


yep.. it is :P

Graduate / 'More than mere pronouns' Writing my statement of purpose for MFA in design [6]


Haha, you better make up your mind :P



You repeated the word creative.. and to avoid implying arrogance, it's better to show how you're creative rather than stating it..


You, have always been


You're referring to "you" as it?


Seriously?..
I think you should say it in an indirect way.. like: "Whether you are a relative, friend, teacher, boss, or client, I design for your needs and approval, doing this while honing my craft..



That isn't usually what keeps you going.. hope, support, having a goal, motives are things that keep you going.. what you mentioned is what you have to put up with..

Through you I have uncovered how to design for me,
>> Confusing.. rephrase..

finding my voice is difficult in the sea of many designers, but I have created my niche and found ways to expand on my talents.

>> don't tell, show..

I helped create an inspirational t-shirt line that showcased a clean, classics and urban aesthetic, using the graphic tee as a mobile canvas to bring our design to the public. Then when faced with the challenge of doing self-initialed design, I help found The VS project: A collective of artists and designers whose purpose is to motivate each other through visual stimulation. It has helped me to find my style.

>>> ok.. that is showing.. better than unsupported statements..

Them, is the audience i can effect personally and indirectly. This is the most significant and most rewarding; it's my student and members of the design community. As a mentor with the AIGA/NY mentoring program I have a seen first hand the benefits of giving back to the future design community.

>> grammar..

I no longer design, create or write for myself, I also provide knowledge and passion to the field instead .

I have always been intrigued with the way we as creative people
>> creative... you say it a lot about yourself.. although I don't really see it..

I like your idea about making your thesis statement about 3 types of audiences.. but you have to make it well-organized and easy-to-"get".. you didn't really talk much about how "me" is an audience.. and isn't "you" kinda like "them" as an audience?

Try to revise it.. and edit grammatical errors.. you can use other three audience is "you" and "them" are too similar.. like "him, her, and me".. or "the adult, the teenager, and the child." You can make it even more creative by using symbols for each category, but then you'd have to make sure that it's not confusing.. you can describe the kind of design, the colors and details that you create for each category..

Poetry / The Barber (a very short poem that I wrote). [8]

Hehe, I love your ending.. but I don't really get the connection between the barber and an archaeologist..

Writing Feedback / Excellence Is The New Average (Thesis trouble) [5]

The essay doesn't belong here :S

Undergraduate / A moment of epiphany- Essay of my choice [4]


hear*..
They are overused sentences anyways.. try to find a new way to express it..


they need to be appreciated? don't they need care and attention..?


Cliché ending..

I don't know, it's a pretty nice story but I didn't quite feel it well.. if it's an admission essay, you should reflect it more on yourself.. The first paragraph is unneeded.. don't write "2nd", it's "second"..

I think you should narrate it from a different angle, maybe start the story from when you were called to tell the story to give the "impromptu" impression..

Undergraduate / Implications of Time Travel - Stanford Essay on Intellectual Vitality [5]

No problem =)

Writing Feedback / Vibhuti, as our camp was called! - A Spiritual Camp [6]

Hehe, I'm nicknamed Maya :P

Nice use of questions.. and your tone is pretty good.. you have a well-written essay here -in my opinion..
Your style of writing that paints a picture in the readers mind is great..

Hmm, but how long should the essay be? Because it took me a while to read it :P.. and you do have some grammatical errors here and there, just keep proofreading..

Undergraduate / UC application personal statement... Major Chemistry... [2]


rephrase, sounds weird..


OMIT.. don't mention anything you will mention in the rest of the application!!


OMIT..

In the first prompt, you didn't mention about what you gained from your involvement.. and your phrasing should be improved.. I can see that you have a lot of experience and it would be a shame if a weak essay ruined your chance to be accepted..

---------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------


Try not to mention something you've mentioned before.. use your chance to write a second essay to introduce new things..!


grammatically incorrect..


TOO arrogant..


we already know that from your first essay.. and it is irrelevant to the 2nd prompt.. it doesn't relate to the person you are..

Overall, you have to rephrase many things that doesn't sound right in both essays,, and you have to focus on relating your essay to the prompt.. you have to reflect both essays on yourself..

Undergraduate / Implications of Time Travel - Stanford Essay on Intellectual Vitality [5]


Having read sounds better :P


Niice..

Wow Isaac, this is intellectually engaging.. you have picked the right topic and discussed it really well.. and I like how you end it by convincing yourself and the reader that knowing might make you feel worse than not knowing..

Just improve your wording, otherwise I find your ideas great!!

Undergraduate / Studying in a boarding school away from family and folks - Apply Texas Essay A [7]



(Make it personal..)


You are comparing reading to drowning? not the best metaphor..

Well, you start with talking about boarding school, then you don't go back to the idea in the whole essay.. don't mention it then! focus on the story only, and reflect it on yourself.. talk about how her attitude towards cancer has influenced you..

Rephrase


As an Italian proverb says, "If nothing is going well, call your grandmother". Whenever I come across a situation wherein I feel helpless and feel the dire need to consult someone for some advice the one person I turn to is my grandmother.

Book Reports / Essay on Invisble Man [4]

It flows pretty well.. good job.. I think the title should be -italic- :P but you can't post it here italic anyway :P

Writing Feedback / Creed sentences - I need to check my mechanics [3]

I don't know anything about creed sentences, but I'll do what I can,, grammar and such..


fragment..


I believe that my parents give me space to figure out how I should survive in different environments.


I believe that my parents do not pressure me academically compared to other Korean parents.


I believe that I should work hard to follow my father's footsteps.


you can omit this.. kinda different from the other sentences..


I believe that Republic of Korea will become one of the advanced countries economically.



I believe that Koreans don't need calculators in calculus tests no matter what how challenging.



lol.. I seriously don't get that kind of writing..!! :P


I believe that my American friends help me improve my English skills and change my character positively.


I believe that Facebook is the greatest tool ever to make American friends easier to keep in touch with. (or to make American friends easily..)

Undergraduate / English 231 Intertexual Analysis Essay about Women's Strength [4]

Reading them again and writing notes related to the female characters will help.. read them, and focus on women.. when you write the paper, just connect the notes and explain them, and don't forget to quote.. You can even read literary analysis on these pieces to figure out how others explained them and understood them.. When you write relying on your notes, believe me, they will reach 7 pages and more.. I've been there myself ;)

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / Why don't people take action in issues in their communities? inaction results? [3]

I think that you answered the question pretty well, but you keep using the same words, such as ignorance, inactions, and people.. maybe you can add metaphors to avoid using the same terms and make it more interesting..

And you've put the page number between brackets, are you using APA citation? because it's not how you do in-text citation.. you can check out this link to show you how to cite: owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/560/01/

Graduate / I aim to emulate a river / Water is my element - SOP_MS-Chemical_Engineering [8]


Revise:
be it recycled paper, wastewater treatment, developing newer automobile technologies, or using public transportation.


From biotechnology to nanotechnology, and from petroleum engineering to fluid mechanics..

You keep capitalizing names of majors, don't.

It's good.. just keep editing and reduce your grammar mistakes.. Good luck in your studies!! -apparently, we have similar goals.. energy, chemical engineering, but you may be closer to achieving them :P I'm still a high school senior :(

Writing Feedback / I am many things, but as a seventeen-year old; Class Essay About Myself [9]

I really like it.. but don't you think that the ending is kind of a cliché? "I am myself"... can't you use something unexpected,,,, creative? I like what you said, but I totally expected what you were going to say after "And most importantly,"

I'm not saying that it's a bad ending but your reader can see it coming..

Student Talk / Do SAT scores really count? [63]

Eh, I'm taking SAT subject tests this Saturday... I got a 1710 and I kinda don't have another chance to retake SAT reasoning.. last time I took SAT subject tests scores ranged between 610 and 640, I got a high TOEFL score though, and our grading system is based on percentages.. I never took below 99% but I still think I'm gonna get into a lousy college because of SATs!!!

Undergraduate / B.U.- "This is me, and Boston is where I would like to be" essay : )) [4]


Hehe, I LOVED this sentence :P

Overall, I really liked your style of writing.. I think you have a beautiful way to express yourself. However, your essay kinda lacks evidence.. You describe yourself in such a lovely way but have not provided any stories or something to support your statements. You should show more than tell.. Good job though, you have a really nice tone in your pieces.

:)

Undergraduate / Common Application: My Russian Soul [10]


It took me a while to realize that no, this did not mean I should purchase a Russian dictionary.

Wow, I find this a really good essay.. just rely on the previous feedbacks, focus on one verb tense, and keep proofreading..

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / "It was like living in a mini zoo" - UC Prompt #1: My college app. essay [4]

It relates to the essay prompt very well.. I liked it..

In your ending you said that your goal didn't change, which is helping animals, but your path changed.. I think you should include how you will help the animals by being a marine biologist because you mentioned discovering the unknown as what you will contribute to the world as a marine biologist..

Undergraduate / "stunts shown in Jackie Chan's movies" - My common application essay [8]


Hehe, I ask myself that same question when I read my essays.. well, Charu, MIT's and Caltech's prompts are different from the common application's.. although MIT does ask for similar prompts.. I say you should check'em out..

I like the essay, only in some parts "it doesn't sound right".. like when you write things in brackets, or when you phrase things in a strange way,, I dunno.. I'll just quote the things that -in my opinion- should be improved (whether it's in punctuation, grammar, ideas, or whatever else)..


Describe the scene.. make it more alive, like a script of a movie, with dialog so that you can help the readers imagine it and see the obvious difference..


Rephrase:
Despite living in a conservative and male-dominated society, my mother took a courageous step and put me in a nearby Karate class.


made for?


>> "Maal Nikaal!" he snarled, demanding her money. (I dunno, I just don't like the brackets :P)


You keep using the word "thug".. Maybe others won't feel the same way, but it sounds informal, or even like a "street word".. I think you shouldn't use it.. plus you said that "thug" was a bearded man, and thug means a young criminal, and your description indicates that he's old..


word choice :S


Call me a physics geek, but velocity is a vector quantity, like that of light, and your thoughts aren't a vector quantity, they are scalar.. like speed.. so you may say with a speed greater than... but you know, I didn't think that it's a good metaphor.. because it's like your thoughts are moving as fast as light, making your thoughts pass by you :P.. you want to say that the thoughts came fast (so they stopped when they arrived) not their actual moving speed..


You can omit "to be honest", why would you lie about being scared? lol


you referred to media/movies before.. this is like repetition..


or if I were a coward and a mere follower.


Omit this


Omit


Omit


In the tussle, one of the thieves' lungi, a piece of cloth wrapped around his waist and legs, came off.

Try to go one with editing the same way.. try to put urself in your readers shoes..

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]


Yeah that's what she was encouraging us to do.. Hook is way easier to define and accomplish that voice, because a skilled writer can distinguish a "hook" in his writing, however, voice can only be distinguished by the readers.. like, everything I write has voice in MY opinion, only that doesn't count because I know myself very well :P and because I know the message and the point of what I'm writing..

Undergraduate / UC personal statement- community and family [7]


Hardships can be obstacles that could be overcomed with effort.. you don't want to sound arrogant, you can say that these hardships to others were a "stop" sign but to you is a bump in the road, whether it's a high one or a small one, easy or hard to overcome..


Cliche, overly used..

Oh my God.. I can totally relate you to myself. I, too, intend on being a chemical engineer. I hope we both do well!
I like your essay, and I like how chemistry is all over the place.. You do seem a bit arrogant in some part of the essay.. I do know that you're an achiever and you're a very smart girl, but the hardest thing to do for a smart successful student is to talk about herself and her positive qualities without sounding arrogant. I think that instead of writing good things about yourself, you should write a mini-event that happened to you combining between more than one quality..

Example:


I raised my hand excitedly, "Yes, Brianna?" the teacher called, surprised. "According to Charles's law, when the pressure increases, the volume decreases, which explains the phenomena you've just mentioned." I said. "Well Brianna, someone's getting ahead of her class, don't you think?" the teacher said.

Something like that.. get your reader into the mood... and make it sound that it's from another person's point of view (like making the teacher say that ur ahead of ur class instead of you stating it).. you don't have to narrate the ecxact situation, but something close that would fit and do the job..

Undergraduate / 'My father was born in Bolivia' - Most Significant Person - common app [4]


rephrase


and were falling apart


repetition.. you mentioned that phrase in the first paragraph and your 2nd


rephrase


rephrase


cliche

Overall, your topic is overused, but your dad is from Bolivia, making your situation a bit different. I think you should focus more on your father's background since it is what most makes your essay different. Another thing, I find how you phrase your sentences is a bit confusing. Try to reword your essay and make it as direct as possible with short sentences. I think you can make this a really good essay if only you put more effort on making it unique.. if you do not have a unique essay topic, you should focus on making the content special..

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]

Well our teacher explains voice in an essay as, well, voice! She said that when you read an essay you will notice if the writer has voice or not.. because if the writer does, you will feel that you know him and that you heard him, in other words, you pictured the whole essay as you were reading.. Maybe that's not a really clear definition but I think this is why voice is really hard to accomplish.. and we did "get" what voice meant because the teacher gave us two essays and one of the writers was accepted in Harvard.. The Harvard essay was a very well-written essay, but the other one is what made noise in the class.. Everyone was talking about the writer, some assuming things about his personality, as if he's a person we know already, while in the first essay, we simply knew "about" him..

Anyways, when I want to put some voice into my writings, I try to write as if I'm speaking to the person directly, and not as if I'm writing.. I kept doing that before I know what "voice" was.. and still, most of the times my essays won't have voice unless it was about something that really influenced and affected me and if I was able to make the readers feel my essay.. lool suddenly I feel that voice is like love, you'll never be able to describe it or know it until you feel it..

Oh and another thing.. our teacher also said "hook" about 250 times :P maybe it helps in building an essay's voice.. I mean, if you grab a writer's attention to make it easier for him/her to feel your essay..

Undergraduate / Helpful suggestions needed for essay- Carpe Diem [14]


Compared to the rest of your BEAUTIFUL essay, this sounds like a rather "normal" intro.. I like the ad though :P


Please!! Avoid clichés!! You have such a great essay but I think you have to focus more on a strong ending as well as a strong beginning..!!

Undergraduate / "the person i am today" rutgers diversity prompt [4]


although isn't right here


need to cut off some sentences? this isn't really important :P they don't have to know anyway


Omit that.. it's not ur opinion.. it's true


what other weekend?


looked... was disappointed..


situations, or different kinds of people??

I like your ideas and your essay is well-organized.. you can cut off some unwanted details since you have to chop it off a little.. like the paragraph about signing up for walking, you can attach it to the paragraph before and make it a lot shorter.. like the whole point of the paragraph is saying I hated it but I still stuck to it till the end..

Try to add more rhetoric.. grab more attention.. beautify it!

Undergraduate / Biology, Diversity UC Prompt #1 [5]

You know what your essay has, Alex? Voice.. and that's great..
As a reader, I felt that I can hear you.. and the best thing is to write so that the reader finishing reading thinking that he already knows you..

The first two paragraphs are a nice example of how to answer this prompt uniquely, however, you may have started going off topic after the 2nd paragraph.. I think you should emphasize your community more in your essay.. but I like the connection!! Being a science geek myself, I like spotting connections between science and "life".. so I really like how you think (even though biology is the only science subject I do not enjoy :P)

Undergraduate / 'Volunteering at the hospital, pediatrician' - UC Personal Statement: community [4]


"Be it"?? is that the right phrase?


I don't think materialism is the best word..


used


connect or communicate? or to socialize?


I dunno, transitioning doesn't sound right to me...


Hmm, you said that phrase twice.. Apart from it being a cliché, you gotta say it's either the bus ride or moving to Cali is what shaped you, or of course, you can say neither..


I didn't get it..


not the best ending..

Do you "feel" your essay whenever you read it? You have to make sure that the readers will "feel" your essay.. as our English teacher says, it has to have a hook, too.. You have to write it in a more attractive way..

Another thing, I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong, maybe other members will tell u if I am or not, but isn't it irrelevant, or a "relevant wannabe"? You keep mentioning my world and all, but the whole topic is about community service.. but that's just me..