Undergraduate / To fear change is to fear opportunity- UIUC Transfer Essay [3]

Hi, I like your creativity in your introduction, but for an essay this short, I think you have to get to the point a lot faster. In this whole essay, the only part that actually answers the prompt specifically is your very last sentence. It is unclear why you are not satisfied or happy at UT, just that it is a "pretty good school" - that does not really give any details at all. Of course, I would not focus the whole essay on why you are disappointed at UT, but a little bit of specifics would be good. The bulk of your 300 words should focus on why UIUC is your ideal school. You have said it is "comprehensive and multifaceted", but what does that really mean? Why specifically will this university help you become an outstanding certified financial planner? I would expect to read about programs and courses in the business school that interest you, professors who impress you, and so on. In short, you need more details and specifics.

Undergraduate / Who are the Nighthawks in Edward Hopper's painting? The UChicago uncommon essay. [5]

Hi, I thought your essay was quite original and interesting. It was a bit distracting at the end though, because you set the scene in WWII, but then you add yourself and your story. Furthermore, you are an adult in the story, so I can really tell where the fiction ends and where your personal story begins. And you know one thing that bothers me about that painting - where is the door? I guess maybe it is to the left outside of the painting's viewpoint? It still strikes me as odd, but I guess that is the point. Those people are like fish in an aquarium and you get the sense that they have always been there and will never leave.

Writing Feedback / "I HAVE A DREAM" IS STILL A DREAM! ARGUMENT ESSAY [2]

Hi, I really liked your essay, but your prescriptions seemed very vague. Exactly how do you propose drawing the line between colorblindness and race-consciousness? For instance, what would a good housing program that could desegregate a school look like? Here are some specific suggestions:

Martin Luther King, Jr.'s (MLK's), {no apostrophe here} declared that he ... their color. [This] might be the most misunderstood...

... words as a cover for rebutting {"to rebut" seems better} Affirmative Action.
... blacks and other minorities[,] from college admissions (...) in "I Have a Dream" [for] the need to be colorblind. ... judged by the color of their skin[, ]not that the color ...

... absolute colorblindness-both in attitude and in policy- {once again, I would stick to commas, not dashes} has had a dangerously ...
... colorblind down to the letter, [yet] has put a disproportionate ...
Being colorblind, {no comma here} creates problems and then ...

... overtly racial in approach or race-conscious {this phrase sounds a bit odd, it is unclear whether the "race-concious" describes "racial" or "programs"} come with a major ...

... problems that they attempt to [redress]. In the past, programs which [encouraged] {I think with "in the past" you have to use past tense} mortgage lending to (...) homebuyers have had the unintended result of leading to rampant predatory lending ...

.., but rather, it is both/and[:] a balanced combination ...

A world where we judge people by the "content of their character" through understanding how their character was ... {this is not a complete sentence, just a noun clause} That is the world to which ...

Scholarship / According to John C. Maxwell, a leader is one who knows the way, goes the way, and shows the way. [2]

Hi Younguure, your command of English is very good and your writing is clear. But it seems like this essay could be a lot more detailed. You talk a lot about your thoughts on leadership and give various quotations, but you don't really tie those to your own personal experiences and situations. For instance, you talk about how a woman's primary responsibility should be to manage her husband's household and to lead his offspring, but you don't say how that applies to your personal situation. And then you talk about the three qualities a leader should have, but you don't really give any evidence of whether you have those three qualities. And it would be better to give specific details that show how you acted as a leader in your clubs and at your bank. Just because you are president of a club does not necessarily mean you are a good leader - more evidence would be better.

Scholarship / It is 6 o'clock in the morning of 2026... [4]

Hi, I think you could have incorporated the prompt a little better. You start off ok, but then you switch into this weird past/present story. It sounds more like you as a 15 year old outlining your goals, rather than a 25 year old reflecting on the project she is working on. Keeping this in present tense and first person will be better - for instance, maybe something like "I still have trouble believing how backward the Vietnamese science community is. Even after all these years, they seem stuck in the 20th century. I know my project will help though. Giving high school kids a chance to work in a real lab environment is sure to pique their interest, and help my country in the process. But my project is not going to do itself, so after a quick break I will go straight back to work."

Also, I have trouble understanding you as the main character. You talk about working in the lab, but maybe that happened in the past? Or are you still a scientist? Because your project does not sound scientific, I mean this is not research or an experiment. It is more like a Master's thesis someone majoring in education would do. So are you a scientist in this scenario? Or maybe you are a scientist who in her spare time is trying to push forward this initiative? In that case though, it would not be part of a Masters Thesis.

Scholarship / I dealt with gender discrimination while growing up in my traditional Vietnamese family. [3]

Hi, your essay does a great job of detailing the discrimination you have faced as a female. But I do not know that you answered the prompt's question - how did you challenge this belief? You say "I passed the exam to get into a gifted school", but that is only one short phrase in a long essay. I guess I would stress more how you have been challenging this belief in gender discrimination, and what happened to you after you challenged that. Maybe your main challenge to this tradition is in your head, but you can still explore how that has changed your outlook and your goals. You sort of have this, but having more detail would be better. You do have quite a few grammatical errors as well - I figured it was best to focus on the main ideas first.

Scholarship / This is what I questioned myself: why study in Korea? Personal statement for KGSP scholarship [3]

Hi Mikka, for your SOP, I think you need to have more of a unifying theme, so your essay reads more like a story instead of a list. The readers will have your transcript, so they know how you did in school, this is more of an opportunity to give them a better insight on who you really are as a person, why this opportunity is so important to you, and how it will help you fulfill your goals. Also, I would leave out the beginning part where you talk about the history and importance of Korea. Obviously all that information will be well-known to your readers. Your main point in that section should be how and why this history attracts you. I guess you live in Turkey? Though you never actually state this outright - so be sure to stress the importance of the Turkish/Korean relationship. Also, you do have quite a few grammatical errors in this one, so make sure to run your final draft through the forums to get some final corrections. This is a great start - good luck to you!

Undergraduate / I have not had a good English teacher since my freshman year of high school [3]

Hi, I enjoyed your essay. Before I go into detailed corrections/suggestions let me make some general comments. This seems to focus too much on that Freshman year. I realize that was your turning point, but literally half of your essay is focused on that part of your past. I think it is better to focus a little more on the present and the future. The main point should be how you turned things around (though I admit having your "low point" be ranked second in your class instead of first is a little anti-climatic - while reading, I assumed you would get an F or something that would jolt you back to reality} But anyway, how exactly did you get that commitment? How exactly did that change the remainder of your high school career? You say your parents were teachers and so you went through a rebellious phase, but is there any other way your family affected you? Did they help you or hinder you in your commitment and your quest to be ranked #1?

Writing Feedback / Citizens are using less bicycle than they used to do in the past. There are several reasons for this [5]

Well, your Grammatical Range and Accuracy is your weakest area - the description for band 5 describes your essay closely. Lexical Resource is your next area of trouble. That looks somewhere between a 5 and 6. You don't have too many complex words and some of the words you have used are not the best choices. Task response is much better - I think your writing is closest to a band 7 in this category. Your position is clear although your examples and arguments could be a little more detailed. Coherence and Cohesion is also quite strong. Your essay is very well organized with good transitions and a logical structure. I don't really see any problems in this category, so maybe a band 8.

Writing Feedback / Citizens are using less bicycle than they used to do in the past. There are several reasons for this [5]

Hi, your writing is quite good, but please please make sure to put a space after every period and comma. This would make your essay so much easier to read. I am not an expert, but I would expect this to score about a band 5.5.

Writing Feedback / Popular image of Hawaii that always relates to hula dancing with women swaying their hips [4]

Hi, thanks for getting back to me. I would suggest this replacement sentence:

The popular image of Hawaii that prominently features women swaying their hips and wearing grass skirts is a general stereotype, but hula dancing itself has its roots in authentic traditions.

Writing Feedback / The Story of a Mouse Deer and a Snail [2]

Your writing was pretty good, but much of this story was confusing to me. I don't understand what the plan was. What were the snail's friends supposed to do? Why did the snail go into the water? How was the snail able to stay ahead of the mouse deer? How did the snail win the race? My only guess is that the snail asked his snail friends to hide behind boulders. Then when they saw the mouse deer coming, they would jump out and pretend to be the original snail. Still, snails are so slow, the only way this would work is if there was a boulder basically right on the finish line of the race. And if this is the plan, wouldn't the moral be that it is better to cheat? In any case, you didn't really explain any of this at all.

Scholarship / KGSP Study Plan required for taking a bachelors degree course before and after you come to Korea [4]

Hi Z_zandie, I think this is outstanding. Reading this, I can definitely feel how interested you are in the Korean language and culture. It is clear how much effort you have put into this already and I am convinced that you will continue to do so once in Korean and that you will achieve your goals. I really think the readers will be impressed.

I do think you need more of a formal introduction here though - maybe something like "Achieving a goal, especially one as challenging as mastering a foreign language, requires much planning. As a native speaker of English, scoring a grade 1 in English on the CXC, my knowledge of that global language will help me navigate the KGSP program. Still, my primary focus of course is to become fluent in Korean, so I have developed a detailed plan of actions I will take both before and after arriving in Korea to make that goal a reality." Then begin your next paragraph with "What I have been focusing on prior to ..." }

Undergraduate / USC Supplement - My father is a goose [2]

Hi, I thought this was fantastic. I can only make a few suggestions:

... normal sounds of bustling cars disappearing as the fathers stay at home to ... {this part makes it sound like the car sounds are disappearing as you listen - I know this is not what you mean}

... As the lonely goose flies [its] way south ... both of us were only thinking [only] about our father as we walked back together.

... and his loved ones that prevent[s ] them from seeing each other.

.... At those moments when I looked up into the sky and was reminded of my dad, I felt ... {I think present tense for this sentence and the next would work better here - in the past tense it sounds like your father is no longer a "goose dad" My father sacrificed his life for me. I wouldn't let his wish go to waste.

Writing Feedback / Most people in the past chose to stay in one place along their life [2]

Hi, I think your format could have been more effective. Your first body paragraph mentioned both advantages and disadvantages. Then your second paragraph mentioned more advantages and your opinion. I find it is easy to stay organized with this type of prompt if in your first body paragraph you give the advantages, then in the second the disadvantages, and then in a third you give your opinion. You can combine this third body paragraph with the conclusion for a total of 4 paragraphs.

Scholarship / KGSP Study Plan required for taking a bachelors degree course before and after you come to Korea [4]

Hi, I don't think you have to stress so much how proficient you are in English. They only care about foreign languages, so this is geared towards people from non-English speaking countries. I would definitely leave out this sentence: "Which just proves how proficient in English I already am."

What do you mean about reading Hangul? Isn't Hangul sort of like the alphabet? So do you read stories in Korean, or are you just memorizing the characters. Try to be more clear and specific as to how exactly you are practicing Hangul.

I really think they are expecting you to put forth more effort towards improving your Korean before you arrive in Korea. You really have not outlined a pre-arrival study plan at all. Make sure to fully discuss all the steps you plan to take. I would think taking an online course, watching Korean tv shows, news programs and movies in Korean, and reading simple Korean books or articles would also be something they are expecting you to do.

Your plan for after you arrive is also very vague. You say "getting engaged with the Korean culture", but how will you do that? What school and outside activities will help you achieve this goal? And then you say you will learn grammar and vocabulary. Once again, this is more of a goal than a study plan. It is like an NFL football coach saying "Our plan this year is to win the Super Bowl" - of course that is every coach's goal, but how they plan to achieve it is was is really important.

So in short, you need many more details and more specifics for the actual steps you plan to take to accomplish your goal of scoring a 5.

Undergraduate / 250-650 word transfer essay from the common app. Why am I transferring and what are my goals? [4]

Hi, your reasons seem very generic. Apart from maybe the Air National Guard one (although I'm sure many states have similar programs) it seems like those reasons would apply to hundreds of schools - why UVA in particular?

Your goals on the other hand are really good - very specific. Very few applicants have taken this much time to determine exactly what they want to focus on, so that is a big plus. I would build on this by stating why UVA is uniquely qualified to help you achieve these goals. Do they have any special education programs or classes that you could tie in with your goals? Maybe a multidisciplinary Education major / Japanese language minor option? Any particular classes or professors that intrigue you? Even a Japanese club? You are so specific with your goals, it would be great if you could have the same specificity in regards to your choice of UVA.

For instance, just glancing at the UVA website, I found this KCJS Semester and Summer Program that allows students to spend a summer or a semester in Kyoto Japan for an intense learning experience - sounds like something you could mention.

Writing Feedback / International Visitors to New Zealand: Country of Origin [4]

I don't think you posted the correct chart. Could you fix it?

Writing Feedback / IELTS academic task 1 - Energy consumption & greenhouse gas emission. [4]

Hi, I thought your report was very good. I see your point about the greenhouse gas values being twice the proportions of the energy use, but the way you phrased it didn't seem completely correct. I'm also not sure about your prodigious use of parentheses in this one. Maybe you know more about the grading than I do, but it seems like an easy shortcut to avoid having to formulate some complicated sentences. Does anyone know if the graders frown on the use of so many parentheses? Here are my {few} specific suggestions. By the way, I think a mix of active and passive voice as you have used sounds great.

The [two] pie charts illustrate the ...

... gases emitted by water heater[s ] and other appliances ...

In terms of energy used, two third[s ] of the total (75%) energy (...), which [together] only consumed 6% of the energy together . Energy consumed by refrigerator[s ] and other appliances were ...

... other appliances emitted [greenhouse gases at proportions] twice the amount of the energy (8%, 14%, and 28%) they consumed.
... and coolers comprised of [the] other half (50%) ...

Essays / Undergrad Application Essay FIT "I could have never imagined" [2]

I like the last one best. Unfortunately I have no idea what Pretty Little Liars is or how it could relate to your career decision.

Book Reports / Essay about the book All Souls [2]

I find it hard to find any errors in this one - it sounds great! I might suggest though:

day to day ---> day-to-day

but the qualities that we do them with --> but the inner qualities that inspire our actions, that...

Undergraduate / My first thought was always UCF when I heard the question about my future plans [3]

Hi, I wish your essay was more specific. Just summarizing, these are the reasons you give:

You always wanted to go to UCF (but why? You give no explanation at all here}
Student life (this is very vague - every single college has some kind of student life :) what about UCF in particular?}
Beautiful architecture
Friends think it is amazing {still very vague, amazing in what way?}
Psychology is one of the most popular majors {why is this important? Do you want to study psychology? If so, why is having a popular major a benefit?}

UCF offers amazing opportunities {still very vague - what opportunities?}
Vast Greek life

So really, the only two even remotely specific are the architecture and greek life, but those seem very common to many many colleges. Is there any way you can be more specific about those amazing qualities that attract you to UCF? By the way, my niece attends UCF and loves it, so I hear it is a wonderful school. She loves the hands-on mechanical engineering department that includes many projects along with the standard "book learning". Plus, UCF is so close to Cape Canaveral and has many ties with NASA and other high-tech companies and government projects, so as an engineer she will be able to make many contacts and have a wide range of opportunities either to work for a private firm or for the government or if she wants to continue her studies after her Bachelors degree. So see, those are sort of the specific comments you could make, and I really know very very little about UCF - I assume you are the expert! Good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS academic task 1 - Destination of UK graduate and postgraduate students. [2]

Your questions:

1. There is some variety in prompts for these questions, but although this is one of the simpler ones, it definitely seems realistic.

2. I would agree, the point is to describe the data. Make sure not to include any information that is not included in the data, but if the data leads to a conclusion that can be inferred I think that is good to include.

3. I think overall your answer focused too much on numbers instead of proportions. If I just read your report without looking at the chart, I would think for instance that graduate students are much more likely than postgraduates to continue their studies, since the numbers are so much higher. But that is misleading because overall, there are so many more graduates than postgraduates, that their numbers will be higher for every single category. In reality, further study is the most common destination for both postgraduates as well as graduates.

Here are a few more suggestions:

Overall, the number of graduate students [falling] into all four categories (part-time work, voluntary work, preferred to study further, and unemployed) were significantly greater... {maybe say the patterns for each category were similar, but overall, there were many more graduates than post graduates}

...

... whereas only one tenth of postgraduate students (around 1600) were unemployed after graduation. {this isn't really correct - I think you mean the number of postgraduate unemployed was one tenth of the unemployed graduates} Interestingly, volunteering work, {I think volunteer work is more natural} on the other hand, was the least preferred stream {"stream" seems a bit odd here] of work by both ...

Letters / Ultra-Modern Community Center Letter for English Class [3]

Can you share with us what the prompt was for this assignment? I think we are going to need a little more information to be able to give you useful feedback on your response.

Scholarship / QuestBridge biographical essay - "Here's one special skill you won't see on my resume" [10]

Hi, Reading your essay again, it is very poignant. I definitely like the metaphor, it is a good way of making your essay much more than the typical "story of my life". I guess I would like to know more about how you actually recovered from your depression (I also suffer from S.A.D., and we used to live in Michigan too - in Birmingham, near Detroit.) You talk about how the instruments start filling in, but I don't really have any idea of what that correlates to in your actual life/decision processes. Maybe moving to a new location was the impetus, but to me it is not that clear. Let me emphasize again that you are a fantastic writer! I am sure you will be successful wherever you end up after high school!

Scholarship / QuestBridge biographical essay - "Here's one special skill you won't see on my resume" [10]

Oh, I see, sorry for my misunderstanding! I will give it another read and make some comments tomorrow - thanks!

Scholarship / QuestBridge biographical essay - "Here's one special skill you won't see on my resume" [10]

Hmm, your writing is very good, but to me this doesn't seem like "a special skill". And if I didn't read your title, which I didn't the first time I read your post, I would have a hard time telling exactly what your special skill was based only on your essay. To me it seems like you are somewhat ignoring the specifics of the prompt so you can write an essay about the story of your life. It seems like if they wanted that, they would have just asked "Write 800 words about your life so far". As for your opening, I think it got my interest, but I couldn't quite figure out what "it" was, and I never really got an answer from reading your essay. Sorry if I am overly harsh, as I said, I enjoy your writing, you obviously have a lot of talent.

Writing Feedback / Statistics of coffee and bananas consumption some years ago in Eurrope [2]

Hi, I think you did a good job with this report. One note, please try to include the actual chart or table from the prompt. I had to look for one from a similar question. You have presented the data fairly clearly, but your intro could be improved and I have several other suggestions:

... Switzerland was the top marketer [for both years shown in the chart, selling], which sold bananas [worth] € 15 mil and € 47 ... {your version was ok, but this sounds a bit better I think}

... Belgium increased in 2004, [they] had decreased in Sweden (€ 1 mil) and Denmark (€ 0.9 mil) {it is unclear whether these numbers refer to the decrease or to the sales} when compared to 1999.

Research Papers / Justified Homicide or Murder? The Use of Deadly Force by Law Enforcement. [3]

Hi, your topic seems overly ambitious for such a short paper. What is the main purpose of the paper? To give a detailed analysis of how we differentiate between justified homicide and murder? That seems like it could take pages and pages.

Maybe you could narrow it down by starting off with the Ferguson case and then talk specifically about why this was determined to be justified homicide. That way you could introduce the definitions to explain your answer, instead of just beginning by laying out a list of legal definitions. It just seems like that may "grab the reader" a little better and allow you to integrate the legal definitions into the essay in a way that makes more sense.

Research Papers / The use of cannabis in the United States is rising - public perception of legal weed. English 102. [2]

Hi, I think your writing quality is pretty good, but this essay is very hard to follow. For one thing, your thesis statement is a little confusing. I am not exactly sure what you are trying to argue. And your paragraphs seem like stand-alone statements. They are not really connected in any way to each other. I would recommend using transition statements to guide the reader through your arguments. Why are you talking about medical uses now? Now why did you switch to talking about farmers. You need to give the reader a better sense of how all these ideas are connected and work together.

Graduate / "There is no way around the hard work, embrace it." SOP for Master's degree of physical therapy [6]

That's true SaPt, but you did say "And how can we prevent the injury before it happens? " - although maybe that would also apply to giving advice to a patient to prevent repeating the injury.

Graduate / "There is no way around the hard work, embrace it." SOP for Master's degree of physical therapy [6]

OK, I will comment.

It looks like one of your big reasons in getting a Masters is to learn more about injury causes and prevention. But how would you use this in your actual practice? It seems like people generally don't see a physical therapist until they actually get hurt and need to recover, and by that time it is too late for prevention. Do you plan to change the way physical therapy is viewed and become more of a wellness maintainer than a rehabilitator? I guess I am asking how you specifically plan to use the knowledge you gain via the Masters degree in your practice. Actually, overall, your specific goals and career plans seem to be the weak link in your essay. In your whole essay it really only takes up half a sentence: "I'll be able to return to my country and achieve my career goals to start my own clinic, and to have an impact on the developing process of physical therapy in Egypt." Why exactly can't you do that now? What is holding you back, and why will getting this Masters degree change this situation. And try to add more specific details to that career plan - what impact to you want to make?

A couple more notes:

What kind of courses and workshops did you attend? It seemed a little vague to me.

Also, is this what you meant:
I tried to practice as much as I [could] even during the summer[s ] between [school semesters].

Scholarship / You've got a ticket in your hand. Where will you go? What will you do? [2]

Hi, I really liked your beginning, it was very creative. Your subject is fine too. But then you start to go back and forth between your imaginary experiences with Scheweitzer and just giving background information on Scheweitzer. And then later on, you seem to completely abandon your adventures and this turns into a basic essay about Scheweitzer, his accomplishments, and how he has inspired you. I think this prompt has a lot of potential to really allow you to be creative. Think of some adventures, or some specific lessons you learned from Scheweitzer on your trip together to Africa. I like the part where you wake up and it is all a dream. But at that point I would talk about how exciting and enriching and life affirming the imaginary trip was and now you feel even more inspired to make that a reality by becoming a doctor yourself.

Your essay has an awful lot of grammatical mistakes too, but I figured it was best to focus on the overall ideas of the essay before getting down to the nitty-gritty.

Undergraduate / Even until this day, I still remember what some monk said once to me about success [6]

Hi, I enjoyed your essay. I am not really an expert at these essays, but it seems to me like you talk a little too much about the monk and not enough about yourself. It was very interesting to read though, and maybe they can get all the details from your transcript. My cousin actually teaches at Cy-Fair high school and my sister-in-law teaches at Cy Creek. Did you go to one of those schools? Good luck with your essay and your admission. Watch out for your punctuation. There were a lot of missing periods, I dont' know if I caught them all.

Undergraduate / Unique Qualities / University of Michigan (essay by a conflicted and undecided student) [2]

OK, for one thing, that "it's vast curriculum" is almost causing me physical pain. but I really like your theme. It is indeed crazy that we expect 18 year olds to have the rest of their working career figured out. Statistics definitely back up the idea that the majority of people end up switching careers 2 or 3 times and that is after graduating college. And a crazy percentage of people end up in a career that has nothing at all to do with their degree. (So says the stay-at-home dad and part time volunteer tutor with an electrical engineering degree) So I think it is a great idea to focus on the flexibility that this particular college gives you. It sounds like you can get a very broad foundation and then specialize a little later. Plus, once you enter into the working world, that diverse background of information you picked up in college will serve you well. I rate it a 9 out of 10.

Writing Feedback / How good worker relationships based on survey conducted in 2005 and 2009 [2]

Hi, I thought your report was very well done. I do have a few suggestions though:

... how good worker relationships [were] based on survey[s ] conducted in 2005 and 2009. ... relationships between employees and their partners.{"co-workers" seems better than partners. a partner is a co-owner of a business} Overall, it can ... with both supervisor[s ] and co-workers.

... experienced a slight increase from 2005 to 2009. {this is confusing - an increase in number? I guess you mean "experienced a slight increase in quality" actually the total percentage of relationships went down, because the percentage without a supervisor increased from 1% to 5%} [A ]Major[ity of] workers established (...) with their chief[, accounting] accounted for 61 per cent and 65 per ...

... poor relations in this category[, which] made for 2 per cent [of the total]. Another percentage was provide[d ] for those who (...) did not have any superior{"manager" is a better synonym for supervisor}.

A similar result was given by [the surveys concerning] the relationship [between] co-workers.
... and 70 per cent [of] working people [who] had very good relation[s ] with their partners in ...
In fact, only 1 per cent of them built [a ]poor connection ...
Another result of this category was[ that] only 1 per cent of those who did not have co-workers in 2005[, a figure that increase to] and 2 per cent of them accounted in 2009.

Undergraduate / 'I am a messy perfectionist' - SAIC personal statement / artist statement [2]

Hi, I really liked your essay. Your introduction seemed a little choppy, because the first half had a definite theme, but your last two sentences introduce two new completely unrelated points. It would be nice to somehow integrate it a little more cohesively.

I would say: "However, one class that [has unexpectedly allowed] my artwork to grow is ..."

so communication is only [through] hand movements

It expresses ideas, opinion[s ], and emotions

"It expresses ideas, opinion, and emotions ..." - I think you may be limiting art a little bit here - sculpture can definitely be an tactile experience and many art installations incorporate sound as part of the artwork. I bet there are even some creative artists out there exploring smell and maybe even taste, though how to draw the line between fine art and culinary art?

"My best artworks can convey my concept without explaining ..." - is this without the artwork explaining or without you having to explain verbally? It seemed a little ambiguous to me

The last sentence sounds really awkward to me - imagine saying, "this new brush I bought will be beneficial to my art making process" - sounds a little funny or at least pretentious :)

You have a lot of great ideas in this essay - maybe too many ;) But seriously, you start off with the messy perfectionist theme, then switch to the art as language, then finish with remaining relevant. These may be too different of ideas to use them all effectively in a short essay. They are all great ideas though - maybe you can find a way to tie them together a little better somehow - you do that a little bit by saying that art remains significant because it is a language, but it still sounds a little disjointed to me.

Undergraduate / Georgia Tech undergraduate application prompt. Apply for chemical engineering [7]

Hi, your content seems better now, but your sentence structure is very repetitive - "I can", "I can", "I can", "I want", "I look", "I seem" - that is literally how each of your sentences begin. I would try to add a little variety. I know you have very few words to work with, but I think you can make it even more concise.

Also, it is "stoke" my passions, not "stroke" - stoke means to add more fuel to a fire.

Undergraduate / "Bump, set, spike" COLLEGE ESSAY ADVICE! Volleyball Struggle Essay! [4]

I see what Kevin is saying, and it is definitely a good idea. But I like your introduction so much, it would be a shame to lose it. Is there any way to implement Kevin's idea yet still keep your intro? I realize now I am committing the common error of falling in love with your rough draft so much that you don't want to make any major changes to it - and it's not even my writing! Here are some more specific, smaller suggestions:

... at a camp if they were [already] so talented at volleyball.
... wrists instead of forearms (which [I learned is] one of the seven deadly ...
I couldn't serve and went home everyday {two words here - "everyday" is an adjective}

... I couldn't stand watching games from the side[line] anymore.

Something I will never forget about that volleyball season [took place] during one of our last games.

While I have been reminded that I am not [an athlete], especially not a talented volleyball player,

Undergraduate / Georgia Tech undergraduate application prompt. Apply for chemical engineering [7]

Hi, I think this is better, but there is still room for improvement. Looking at the GT website, they have a special biotech option, which you can mention. It includes courses like Bioprocess Engineering and culminates in a capstone bio-design course. Also, unlike many schools, GT strongly supports undergraduates taking part in research, which would allow you to obtain really in-depth knowledge and the experience of working in a lab alongside professors and graduate students. Also there is an undergraduate summer research program, an intense 10 week program where the undergrads often end up contributing to actual published papers. They even have a undergraduate research symposium in the spring, exclusively for undergrads to present their research results. That seems very unusual to me, usually this is the kind of thing only open to PhD students. So those are the type of specific details I might include in your essay.

Here are some other suggestions:

Instead of simply "getting out", I desire to [take full advantage of the fascinating programs and coursework available in the chemical engineering department].

The ChBE school at Georgia Tech can [stoke] my passion for chemical engineering [with its] opportunities [for] one-on-one work with faculty in the laboratory and [its cutting-edge research].