Writing Feedback / self-employment vs. employment - own business seems to be increasingly popular among individuals [4]

Your essay is very good, with detailed examples that support your argument, but I agree with akiraaa. You are not really free to write the essay type you want, instead you must follow the prompt. Here the prompt says "compare and contrast". Similar phrases are "discuss the benefits of each and give your preference" and "what are the advantages and disadvantages of each".

Writing Feedback / Author's argument on non-Palean woven baskets does not seems to make a cogent case. GRE argument [3]

Hi, yes this seems much more convincing, plus I think it is better organized, with each paragraph having a clear argument. Your usage and grammar is much improved as well.

Writing Feedback / Author's argument on non-Palean woven baskets does not seems to make a cogent case. GRE argument [3]

Hi, Here are my comments. I would focus more on the baskets floating across the river, as well as the Paleans using crude log rafts or something similar as boats, which would not be recognized as a boat by today's archeologists. Also, I would like more details on the basket found in Lithos. Are they sure of the age of the basket? Maybe it is a reproduction of an old Palean design created and left there recently. Also, is the entire Brim river deep and broad? Maybe Palean travelers explored up to a shallow part of the river and made it to the opposite bank that way. Plus, perhaps the climate was different back then, so the river may have been shallower or changed course over the years.

Undergraduate / Reach an outstanding employment prospect to major financial institutions - liberal arts colleges [8]


I am not sure I understand what you mean by a "mini-story".

Undergraduate / Reach an outstanding employment prospect to major financial institutions - liberal arts colleges [8]

Hi, I don't think this essay focuses enough on "the objectives you hope to achieve" Also, it seems to focus too much on the drawbacks of UConn instead of the benefits of the new college to which you are applying. Here are some other suggestions:

...

Undergraduate / It is agonizing to watch such a beautiful country crumble because of the rising violence. UT Austin. [3]

Hi, I have made some suggestions to your grammar and phrase construction.

Living close to the southern border of the United States and Mexico has given me the advantage of experiencing these two very distinct cultures. I lived all my childhood in a town just across the Rio Grande River called Matamoros, in a small concrete house owned by my grandparents. I cannot stop and think about what could have been if the drug war was not taking over the lives of the individuals struggling to carry on. {the tenses in this sentence are confusing - if you mean you cannot stop now to thing about what happened in the past, I think you need to say "if the drug war had not been taking over"} I still visit my family members but since this revolution started my family and I feel more distant. My sisters and I [used to] impatiently waited for the weekend to arrive so we could go to Matamoros, but as we hear[d ] stories about shootings and killings we stopped trying to persuade our parents to take us. This war affects so many individuals in many aspects. The apprehensive state in which my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins are under controls every single minute of their lives because they never know when or where confrontations might take place.

It is truly repulsive how there are people out there {these two "there"s sound a bit awkward} filled with so much malice. Drug [ c]artels are second handedly [single-handedly] robbing people of their rights as humans to express [themselves] and live freely. Whenever I see a young child locked inside their rooms star[ing] blankly at a television screen[,] I cannot help but blame those out there {"out there" is a bit repetitive and maybe too vague} who are depriving these young minds [of] the right to explore and learn. I am enraged by the fact that as much as we strive to change the situation Mexico is under, there seems to be no clear solution. There is this bubble inside me that wants to burst and just magically change the environment people are subdue [subject] to but, unfortunately the only option to end this clash is to let time settle their disputes. We blame those who are involved in these criminal activities and as more people suffer, in Mexico and those Americans [here you state a country and citizens of a country, which sounds odd - try to make this more parallel} , living close to the Southern Border, {no caps} there will be no forgiveness to those implicated. {These sentences are a little confusing to me - do you mean we can't forgive the drug cartels until they stop their violence? That sounds pretty banal}

One of the saddest outcomes of this experience has to be the diminishing sens[e ] of nationalism from the people of Mexico. What used to be a united country made up of honest and hardworking individuals has transformed to be [into] a hopeless place full of misery and loss. One sees children play with toy guns instead of soccer balls. Since this drug war started my family members cherish the moments spent together so much more. What used to be common visits now have become [the] rare get together. What is happening is unfair and iniquitous to the people of Mexico and every other person who is affected by the {missing a phrase here}

The battle between Mexican forces and the drug cartels has culminated in the past years, {"culminate" is not usually used alone, something usually culminates in something else} which has caused distress and imposed fear amongst their{"their" is a little unclear here - the way you use it would refer to people in the Mexican forces and drug cartels} people. Those weekends spent with my family where we danced to the beat of the guitars and accordions, ate delicious delicacies made by my grandma, and ran around playing street soccer, are now weekends apart from these exciting activities. Friends and family live in fear, desolation, and will one day go back to the days we had lived before. {this last phrase sounds like a non sequitur }

Writing Feedback / Video surveillance has become common place in many countries to reduce crime [5]

the phrase is "in the mean time" and it means "while you are waiting" For instance. "The only time I can take the TOEFL is in October, but in the mean time I will continue writing practice essays."

Writing Feedback / In every learning environment is at least one boisterous student with some behavioural problems. [2]

Hi, here are my suggestions.

Disruptive school students have a negative influence on others. Students who are noisy and disobedient should be grouped together and taught separately.
Do you agree or disagree?
One can safely assume that in every learning environment there is at least one student who is boisterous and has behavioural problems. Some people are of the opinion that they [these students] {before it sounded like "they" referred to "some people"} can have a negative impact on their colleagues [classmates] {teachers have colleagues, but the word sounds odd when referring to students} and grouping all of them together is an effective way to create a conducive learning environment. However, apropos of the statement, I am in consummate discord {this vocabulary sounds pretty odd here} with it. The bases for my opinion are psychological and academical. {it would be "academic", but that has another definition as unimportant or irrelevant, so I would probably rephrase the sentence}

From a psychological viewpoint, it is widely spread {"spread" sounds odd here - I guess you mean the belief is widespread} that students who do not receive sufficient attention at home are more prone to bad behavioural problem[s ] {"bad" seemed redundant here} than those who do. As a result, they will use all means possible, namely behaving badly[,] to obtain the much needed attention from their teachers. Thus, grouping students with disruptive tendencies together is not the most appropriate solution as it will only make them feel more ostracized.

From an academical point of view, putting disobedient students in one class will only limit their educational opportunities and further discourage the students. It will be hard for the teachers to educate the students when they are all the disobedient and by the end of the day, nothing will get done.

It appears that combining the students, regardless of whether or not they're{avoid using contractions} rebellious, will serve as a more effective solution. On the one hand, [the] teacher will have an easier time controlling the student[s ] and figuring out what measures to take with each student. On the other hand, having a well-behav[ed] and intelligent student {this sounds like there will be one good student and all the rest disobedient} in the class will serve as a role model for the disobedient students. Consequently, disobedient students will somehow {"somehow" sounds a bit odd here - it means you don't really know why} feel compelled to emulate the role model and change for the better.

Writing Feedback / The swift expansion, emergence of industries and businesses, made urban areas become more cramped [4]

I would respectfully disagree with Vns9x - to me the essay is asking for your opinion, what else would it be asking? For this format, the TOEFL is always asking what you think or what your opinion is. I must admit this prompt seems a bit confusing - usually the TOEFL essays say "which has more advantages?" or "which side to your prefer?" if they want you to talk only about one side of the issue or "compare the advantages and disadvantages of both and state which one you prefer" or "discuss both viewpoints and give your preference" if they want you do discuss both sides of the issue. To me, this prompt seems more like the former, so I don't know if I would discuss both sides like you did. In any case, you do need to spend more time and space detailing why your prefer one over the other. You could do this in a separate body paragraph or add it to your conclusion.

The swift expansion and emergence of industries and businesses have made urban areas become more cramped. Many governments are encouraging them to move to rural areas. Personally, I wholeheartedly believe that this has more benefits than drawbacks.

To begin with, one major advantage that makes{"encourages" seems better} the government do this is because it may help enterprises reduce the cost pour[ed] into infrastructures and workers. For example, the exact amount of money paid for one month [to rent] renting manufactures {"manufactures" is not really correct as a noun here} and factories in urban areas could be used for two months in rural areas. Therefore, they are able to expend their budget on more investments. Not just that, moving these to such areas could generate more job opportunities for local people and hence diminish the unemployment situation. Furthermore, one of an implicit purpose of this strategy is to reduce the level of pollution, which is an urgent issue in many big cities. {if this is for TOEFL, I would go into more details for these reasons and give an extended and detailed example, like how a friend or relative was personally helped by gaining a job at a new factory or how a new factory rejuvenated a town near you}

On the other hand, having industrials{"industrials" does not really work as a noun here} and businesses at [in] remote areas may prolong the process ["prolong the process" sounds a little odd here} of transportation and allocation. In addition, most of the workforce in such places are inexperienced and it will take some time for them to be trained and be[come] aware {"become well-trained in the " is better} of the manufacturing processes. It may be more difficult for those companies located at regional areas { a regional area does not really mean the countryside or a small town - maybe you mean provincial area} to expand their business because they are further from their clients and contacts.

In conclusion, although motivating["motivating" is incorrect here - it is not really a synonym for moving or transferring} industries and businesses to regional area brings many benefits to the society and increase the public health, the companies have to bare [bear] more disadvantages.

Writing Feedback / Video surveillance has become common place in many countries to reduce crime [5]

Hi, I have made a few suggestions for your writing.

It is true that video surveillance has become commonplace in many countries by{"through" seems better here} the effort of the governments in term[s ] of reducing crime. While I understand that critics may see this as the [a violation of] personal [privacy] violation , I wholeheartedly believe that there are more benefits than drawbacks.

On the one hand, the most important advantage of the video security system is to help police detect the suspect[s ] by monitoring one abnormal activities and prevent him from committing crime[s ] at the mean time. {"at the mean time" is wrong here - what exactly do you mean ?} Not just that, the emergence of video cameras at {"in" is better} public places, such as parking lot[s ] or supermarket[s ], implicitly spread a fear among people and hence they do not dare to make[ allow] themselves [to] become criminals. For example, most of the banks always have such [this] kind of technology installed in order to observe every single activit[y ] of [their] employees so that they will [be] less likely to] steal money. If a bank is robbed, the clips recorded by the cameras will be the effective data and the eviden[ce] for the investigation to [apprehend] seize the robber[s ].

On the other hand, the installation of video surveillance[ systems in] at public places is seen as an invasion of privacy because people are always under constant observation of the authorit[ies]. This could make a person fee[l ] that there is an eye watching him from the back{ "watching him from behind" or "watching him from behind his back"} and he is alike [treated like] a criminal. In fact, the utilization of video cameras is the purpose of government['s method] to restrict attacks from terrorists and to minimize the possibility that anybody become[s ] a victim or a hostage in that circumstances.

In conclusion, although people are opposing that video security system[s because they] violat[e ] their privac[y ], I would argue that it has more advantages than disadvantages.

Scholarship / Being three years old, I started on learning English - nice way of learning poems and singing songs [2]

Hi, your writing is pretty good, but I have made some suggested corrections. Many of your sentences seem a bit choppy and don't flow together that well. I guess to me your organization isn't as clear as it could be, so parts of your essay seem a little scattered.

Being three years old, I have [At the age of three, I had] mastered reading in my native language, so my father and I started on learning English. To make it more pleasant he put it into nice way of [implemented it in an entertaining way by] learning poems and singing songs. Since then I could not [have not been able to] stop and now I am able to communicate in five languages, which is only the beginning. My mother in her turn noticed my love to [of] music and signed me [up] for lessons in Music School,{no caps} which contributed greatly to my personal development in addition to [eventually gaining a] music diploma.

I have been always [been] developing {maybe "I have been continually developing" is better}three paths in my life: languages, music and sciences. When deciding on a field of study I chose Economics. The decision was mainly driven by my interest in both mathematics and social behaviour science. At [ h]igh [ s]chool I have been awarded prizes for winnin[g ] at the first and second stages of National Belarusian Olympiad in Social Science and Law.

In 2012 I obtained [a ]Polish Government Grant and entered [The] Warsaw School of Economics, majoring in Quantitative Methods in Economics and Information Systems with specialization in Mathematical Economics. [The] Next victory for me was an EEA grant and qualification for an exchange semester at BI Norwegian School in Oslo in 2013. The driving force of going on exchange was a strong will to support the knowledge gained at WSE with the [a ]practical approach. BI undoubtedly helped me a lot in it [this goal] and broadened my horizons with another economic prospective. Inter alia, I had a strong yen to visit the most exotic European country (which Norway is in my opinion).

The diversity of experiences I gained through living abroad and trying myself in different life spheres distinguishes myself among the majority. I believe that any kind of experience enriches you. After moving out [away] from home I started working as a dog-walker, Russian teacher and musician, [and] later as an intern in real estate and law firms. In October 2014, I was employed as Business Sales Data Analyst in a big telecommunication corporation - Orange.

I would like to take an advantage of my potential, as well as [my] analytical capacity and logical thinking [by] studying at BI. I believe that [my] the interest and needed [fundamental] knowledge in economic and statistical sciences, experience gained through work in corporation, fluent knowledge of three European languages and another look at world given by my national peculiar {"national peculiar" sounds odd and a bit unclear} features will bring benefit to your university and make it even more multinational. A [My] strong will to obtain my Master's degree at BI is driven by my interest in researches and [exploring the] world exploring , in contrary to [the] modern tendency of pure using and consuming. {this is a bit unclear - do Master's students really focus on using and consuming?}

It has never been easy to provide [establish] a business or simply develop yourself in my country. There is a great brain flow [drain, which has] last[ed] for many years. During the last 5 years [the] Belarusian economy is [has been] in stagnation. Since [the] last economic crisis, many people have been losing their jobs due to bankruptcy or nationalization of private firms. At this very moment my mother is unemployed and my father is struggling with governmental regulations trying to provide [operate] his own small transportation firm offering taxi services in the city and driving himself at the same time. Since recently I am [have been] working myself, but the gap between countries welfares {"countries' welfares" is wrong and unclear to me} enables my studying in Norway without external financial help.

My greatest motivation is the evidence of self-improvement. I consider myself being [to be] a cosmopolite and feel comfortable about being in any country. Therefore, I aim to contribute to Norwegian prosper[ity] as well as Belarusian recover[y ] using the deep knowledge of the {oops, you are missing the end of this sentence}

Thank you for time and effort you take in reviewing my application. I would greatly appreciate the privilege to come to Oslo and meet with you to discuss how my knowledge and personal features will be beneficial to your university's development.

Grammar, Usage / 'the easily to be damaged nature of water resources' - asking for advice for one sentence. [13]

1. Pressure resistance means Resisitance to the pressure.

Yes, I realize that, but what pressure? I guess you mean the damaging influence of climate change and human activities, but it is not that clear to me.

2. don't see which "the" you are talking about.

A : Therefore, it is necessary to evaluate the vulnerability of water environment in humid regions of southern China, to provide theoretical support for the water environment management in these regions.

A is best, B is ok, but C is not really correct

sentence 3.
In order to avoid　the influences of subjective factors to improve the objectivity of evaluation results, and to make the method to be operated easily, this paper attempts to introduce the Data Envelopment Analysis (DEA) to assess the vulnerability of water environment.

Here, the first sentence is not fluent.
in order to avoid A , which leads to the results B. the first result would lead to the second,
how can I express it authentically？

this was my idea: "Taking care to avoid the influences of subjective factors in order to improve the objectivity of evaluation results, and to allow the method be implemented easily, this paper attempts to introduce the Data Envelopment Analysis (DEA) to assess the vulnerability of a water environment."

Sentence 4:

Generally, the higher the pollution efficiency is, the easier to be damaged the water environment will be and the greater vulnerability it will be; on the contrary, the less efficiency it is, the smaller vulnerability it will be.

the higher the pollution efficiency is = the higher pollution efficiency it is?
the easier to be damaged the water environment will be
the greater vulnerability it will be;
the less efficiency it is, the smaller the vulnerability will be.= the smaller vulnerability it will be?

are the four sentence correct?

Not really, maybe:
"Generally, the higher the pollution efficiency, the more easily damaged the water environment will be and the greater vulnerability it will have; on the contrary, the less efficient it is, the smaller vulnerability it will have."

or to be less repetitive:
"Generally, the higher the pollution efficiency, the more easily damaged the water environment will be and the greater vulnerability it will have; on the contrary, a lower efficiency corresponds to a reduced vulnerability"

Grammar, Usage / 'the easily to be damaged nature of water resources' - asking for advice for one sentence. [13]

Maybe; "Taking care to avoid the influences of subjective factors in order to improve the objectivity of evaluation results, and to allow the method be implemented easily, this paper attempts to introduce the Data Envelopment Analysis (DEA) to assess the vulnerability of a water environment."

Yes, the correct word here is "based"

This method, based on the concept of water resource vulnerability, considers the vulnerability of water resource as a function of sensitivity and pressure resistance under the influence of climate changes and human activities;

"Pressure resistance" sounds a little unclear to me - what do you mean?

I don't see which "the" you are talking about. I think you need something like "these regions", but avoid repetition. Maybe

Therefore, it is necessary to evaluate the vulnerability of the water environment in humid areas of southern China , to provide theoretical support for the water environment management in these regions.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: work for the same organization all their working life [2]

Hi, you addressed the topic well, but you have quite a few errors in your sentence structures and word usage. I tried to stick to your words as closely as I could, but sometimes completely rewriting a couple sentences might have been better. Your content is pretty good, but if this is for the TOEFL, try to use even more detailed examples

. One's success [is often ] determine[d ] through [how] rewarding [ones] career [is]. For this reason, while the majority of people are more likely to take up office [hold a position] in one organization during their [entire working] life being spent in workplaces , others argue that working for [encountering] various job experiences in different organizations in considerable leading to have [plays a considerable role in having a] better life. However, I am personally convinced that there are several benefits for workers who pretty often change their job [pretty often] in different organizations.

The reason why people decide to pursue for a long time to work in a steady job {this sounds wrong - it means it takes a long time to pursue a steady job before you get one} is a tendency to achieve a higher job position [over time, with a corresponding] rise in salaries. For pragmatic {"pragmatic" sounds odd here} instance, a global industry such as "Pizza Hut" {no quotes} allows its employees to be[come] manager[s ]when these employees have already [gained] experienc[e by] to work[ing] in this industry for a great couple {"great couple" does not make sense - do you mean those two years were really wonderful?} of years, and they also will be rewarded [with ]more bonus[es]. To consider so,{this transition is incorrect here} it can be concluded that the long term people [employees'] work guarantees to their job satisfaction.

Conversely, other people[,] especially in the 20-35 age groups[,] are estimated {"estimated" sounds odd here} to gain a switching job[s ] frequently. A research study shows that nearly 75% [of] young entrepreneurs in Indonesia witnessed a wide range of experiences in [their] workplace li[ves] owing to their expectation to enrich their own knowledge by finding out about how government[s ] are operated and managed. {this sentence sounds odd and a little confusing - you can have a wide variety of experiences working for the same company for a long time. Plus it seems like only people who work for the government would learn how governments operate} As a result, shifting [one's] job offers people a chance to get acquainted with a number of diversified-work experiences and broaden[ their] skill[s ].

On the whole, while work[ing] in the same organization[ for an extended time] benefits for many people, I would argue that workers who decide to work in the different organizations enable [are able] to acquire more knowledge and [a ]wide personal perspective when it comes to having conversation[s ] with other people. Therefore, people should bear [this] in mind when they want to decide [where] to work because a whole of [for the most part] their career determines their future success.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: increasing number of people are suffering from health problems [3]

Hi, your essay was a little confusing to me. Some of your body paragraphs seemed to go against your thesis and I had a hard time figuring out exactly what your views on the topic were. Maybe if you gave some more specific examples it would have made things more clear. Also make sure you know the difference between rise and raise.

Fast food menus are tricky [to navigate] {it was ok, but adding this makes it better} when you are watching your weight or your health. For this reason, the majority of countries are experiencing health problem[s ] owing to [the] eating [of too] much fast food. While rising tax of [raising taxes on] fast food addresses [holds] merits and demerits for the development of country, I am personally convinced that government do[es] not need{"not need to " does not really work with your reason - you need something like "the government should not" or "it would not be wise to"} to [impose special] rise in fast food tax[es] due to introducing a lower economic development; however, people should [be encouraged to] {this makes it more like something the government should do instead of raising taxes} balance to consum[ing] this food with regular exercise.

Fast food companies should be additionally taxed by government due to poor nutrition which all regions overabundance of these outlets. {this last phrase is very odd and incorrect. Also, this sentence basically contradicts your thesis statement that you just gave above - maybe modify your thesis?} [A recent] Research study examines that [the] Deputy of Russia has already increased the tax of [on] fast food in this country-such as Burger King, McDonald's, and KFC- from 20 percent to 23 percent[, ] which reduce[d ] customer demand and contribute[d to] in the international budget. {what do you mean by "international budget"?} As a result, the development of a more health[ier] population includes the money for health services and the promotion of a healthy lifestyle.

Conversely, it is believed that a country will suffer from the [a reduced growth] rate of [the] economy when government rises in higher [raises] tax o[n ] fast food. [A ]Research finding in United States shows that fast food purchases were independent predictors of increases in the average body mass index (BMI) in wealthy nations from 1999 to 2008. Unless government increases fast food tax, it addresses [faces] declining [health of] fast food consumers, and this phenomenon results in loss of revenue that the country acquires [from all areas of industry, due to increased worker absenteeism and higher health care costs] {your version didn't really make sense to me} from food industry. In consequence, [a ]rise in [the] tax o[n ] fast food affects to the economic development of country [in a positive way].

In conclusion, people nowadays [who] live in develop[ed] area[s ] see[m to find it difficult to prevent] to be hard in terms of prevention fast food consumption, moreover for some entrepreneurs who have rustle bustle time. {"rustle bustle" is incorrect} While rise in fast food tax [raising fast food taxes] is more [than] likely to be [a ]difficult task for government due to impact of global economy,{why is this true? what does the global economy have to do with this?} some individualist {"individualist" is wrong here] should balance their eating diet of fast food with the amount of regular exercise-such as jogging, gymnastic[s ], and cycling-that they are supposed to do. Where possible, government should promote [a ]healthy lifestyle to societies to prevent suffering from illness.

Writing Feedback / GRE essay-As people rely more and more on technology to solve problems, [3]

Hi, I did not think your format and organization was very effective. I couldn't really tell what was your introduction and what was your thesis statement, or main idea. You didn't really "connect the dots" to show why all the modern technology you talk about (I think talk about too much :) ) reduces our ability to "apply cognitive skills". Maybe this technology has gotten rid of the rote tasks and given us more time to think - maybe the spell check software lets us focus on the creative side of writing instead of having to worry about spelling the words right. I think there is a good point to be made that technology is hurting our thinking skills, but I think you could have been more convincing.

Undergraduate / Exploration Manager is my way to contribute in global energy issues [3]

Upon graduation, I expect to immediately begin contributing to solving energy issues in an energy related industry. I dream of being an exploration manager. However, [being] an exploration manager followed [comes] with big responsibilities. Thus, I realize that I have to start my career path from the bottom. Besides, it takes experience to be an effective geophysicist in the oil and gas industry.

I'd spend my first 5 years upon graduation learning and gaining experiences as much experience as I can in industry. Although I obtain {"have obtained" or "will obtain"] [a ]bachelor['s degree] in geophysical engineering, I have also studied geology intensively] learn pretty much in geology. Therefore, I [expect to start my career in] expect to work in an operation division of [an] oil company or in an oil service company. With the experience that I gain, I plan to step up my career in a field development division as a geophysicist working in seismic interpretation or geomodeling. Even though I have {or "I will have" - it sounds like you are still is school right?} experience [working for an] in oil company, I acknowledge my bachelor degree is not enough to [qualify for a job at] achieve an exploration manager level. Therefore, I seek an opportunity to continue my study in mastering petroleum geophysics to upgrade my knowledge. The reason why I am not immediately continu[ing] in [my] master['s] study is that I believe by having working experience will help me in comprehending my study.{I would say "my courses", but "comprehend" is not strong enough} With having both working experience and higher education will escalate my expertise [more] rather than having [only] one of them. Herein after, I [will] have the confidence[, knowledge, and experience] to achieve my goal as an exploration manager.

As [To be] an exploration manager, only having experience in geoscience is insufficient. In addition, it also requires analytical skill in different perspectives, cost estimation, and maintaining industry relationships and contacts.{yes, this sentence seems out of place - do you really need it? - maybe instead say something like "Of course, as an undergraduate, I realize my eventual career path is not set in stone, so it is important to remain flexible and constantly seek new insights and exposure to a wide breadth of fields"} I hope by being granted the opportunity to attend [the] ExxonMobil Student Education Program and sharing with students from other countries, I can get a clearer overview of career paths in the oil industry and get more inspiration to contribute to my developing country.

Grammar, Usage / 'the easily to be damaged nature of water resources' - asking for advice for one sentence. [13]

Here is my suggestion:

Based on [the] above opinions, the vulnerability of water resources is defined as the vulnerable characteristics of [the] water environment to damag[e ] from human activities and natural factors, as well as [the difficulty in restoring it] its difficulties to restore to its original state after being damaged.

Grammar, Usage / 'the easily to be damaged nature of water resources' - asking for advice for one sentence. [13]

If you want to use "nature" in your sentence you could say "The vulnerability of water resources is that by their very nature, they can be easily damaged." or you can say it more succinctly by leaving out "nature" :

"Water resources are vulnerable, since they can be easily damaged."

Writing Feedback / Education and its statistics. Breakdown information of the entrance in different Technology Colleges [2]

Much of this report sounded odd to me, as you were talking about numbers and "certificate", "diploma", and "bachelor" and it was unclear that you knew what the numbers and the terms represented. Also it would have been nice to give an overview saying that at every college, the number of women graduates surpassed the number of men. Also that the number of female graduates was greater than that of males for every level except diploma. Also, remember you can't really use words like "peak" "trough" "increase" or "decrease" unless you are talking about data changing over time.

It is noticeable that Dubai Men's and women's took the second and the first place, whereas certificate was favored in the rest of [other] two graphs. {this "whereas" sounds a bit odd, since Dubai is not competing against "certificate", they are two different data sets}

Regarding to the first graph, Dubai women and men had the highest number of people, which are 547 and 426. Both {"both" does not work here, since they both did not reach the same level} genders of Abu Dhabi managed to reach to 273 for male and 218 for female. In the meantime , Al Ain women almost doubled its males, with its 218. {this sounds odd, as if you are looking at the data over time, when this is really just a "snapshot"} The leftover {"leftover" sounds a bit odd in this context} three candidates, such as {don't use "such as" if you then list all of the groups} female[s ] of Ras Al Khalnan and both sexes of Shapjah had an insignificant [difference from each other]gap , they were all roughly 170, except Khaimah men with 102.

A shift[ing] to the second graph reveals that, the vast majority [of graduates] people preferred Certificate. The female[s ] had the value {it sounds odd to call this a "value" - this is the number of graduates} of 700, while this number was huger {"huger" is not a word} over 100 [higher] than the male's one. Diploma seemed to be less favor[ed], [as ]350 was the number of male [graduates at this level], whilst [there were only 310] female [graduates] was only 310 , a decrease {"decrease" isn't really right, since you are not looking at the data over time} of 40. Higher diploma was preferred by women with 300, a close [about] double [that of] compared to male[s ]. Bachelor had no competitor {this sounds odd to me - it's not really a competition} except females, the number peaked at 50.{peaked is wrong, since you are not looking at the data over time}

The last graph indicates that the Certificate had 50% of the total number of graduates, while the diploma had only 27[%]. The higher diploma had 20[%] and 3 percent [of graduates were at the] for the Bachelor [level].

Undergraduate / "Inventories can be managed, but people must be led." Essay on Leadership [3]

Hi, I agree with Vns9x's comments. Here are some other comments:

"Inventories can be managed, but people must be led." H. Ross Perot

A leader is a person who has a vision, a drive, and a commitment to achieve that vision, [along with] and {the two "and"s sounded a bit odd} the skills to make it happen. Havinga leadership is one of the most essential characteristic[s ] that a person can have. It is not only a matter of instructing people or having a certain level position. {a transition would be good here - I think this is connected with your previous sentence, but a good transition would make that clear} Leaders act base[d ] on their personalities, beliefs, experiences, and capabilities. They may be born, created, or raise [rise] to the occasion. Nevertheless, these capabilities can be obtained by training the potential future leaders, nurturing them, and allowing them to lead.

I {I would add "always" here} try to develop my leadership [capability], as I believe that there are several fundamental skills [that] need to be implemented in becoming of [to become] an effective leader. The first skill is a leader who has integrity.{this is not really a skill though - it is more of a quality} Integrity m[eans] leaders will gain [the] trust of employees by having a compelling vision and do[ing] the right things [in accordance] to do appropriate with the [highest] values and principles. The second is [being able to inspire one's followers] an inspiring leader. Only having [the] trust of [ones] employees or followers is insufficient. A leader has to be able to extend their trust [to] become a movement in achieving their vision. It can be done by mean of inspiring. The third one{ I would not use "one" here - it has been a long time since your topic sentence and I actually have forgotten what "one" refers to here :) maybe restate it} is [being] a motivator. {see, motivator, inspiring leader, and a leader who has integrity are not skills, they are people who have the skills} A leader has a vision. Leaders see a problem that needs to be fixed or a goal that need[s ] to be achieved. By inspiring [others] will influence them to pursue the goals but the motivation will generate the passion and keep them engage[d ] with that vision when the initial enthusiasm fades. This motivation also helps the leaders empowerring their follower[s ], so that the team feel[s a] part of {a part of what? you need a noun here} and buy into the vision.

To sum all the ideas up, with all the skills offered above, I can hardly agree that the great leaders are not only achieving their vision but also will generate more leaders rather than more followers. {this last phrase is unclear to me - also, if you are saying that leaders must be able to nurture other leaders, that is a new reason and should not really be included in the conclusion} In the highly competitive and highly volatile world we live in, those with great leaders will do great things. Those with ineffective leaders will flounder.

Writing Feedback / Some individuals consider to eat outdoors while others choose home dishes. Which is better? [4]

I will continue where Vns9x left off. Also, in your intro, eating is not really a hobby, although maybe going to new restaurants or exploring new cuisines could be hobbies.

Also, you have the wrong format for this essay prompt. If the essay said "compare eating out with staying home to eat and state which your prefer", your format would be ok, although you would have needed to add one more paragraph giving your opinion. But for this prompt, they didn't use "compare" or "discuss both sides", instead they want you to pick one side or the other and only talk about the side you prefer, with each of the two or three body paragraph giving a reason supporting your choice.

Here are my suggestions for your essay:

Everyone has been living in at rat race [a fast-paced] {rat race is a noun and doesn't really work as an adjective} environment today. Because of this, they find that it is more convenient to go at restaurants where [prepared] foods are readily available. It is hassle[-]free[,] especially to those who have no time to prepare for their own meals and do the cleaning afterwards. On the other hand, this kind of set up {"set-up" sounds odd when talking about a restaurant} is very expensive. In my case for example, sometimes I prefer to eat foods outside{"outside" here means "outdoors" - is that what you mean? I think you mean "away from home"} to treat myself or my family if I have extra money. I consider this {"I consider this" sounds odd here without an adjective or noun - maybe "I consider this an attractive option because"} because I do not know how to cook and also to save time.

Nevertheless, others still feel that eating at home are [is] {"eating" is the singular subject here} still the best. Aside from the fact that it is much cheaper, it is also very safe. They [Home cooks] can guarantee that all the foods that fill in their stomach and feed with their relatives are clean{"fresh" seems better here - we talk about the utensils, cutting surfaces, and cookware being clean, but not really the food, unless you are talking about Kosher or Halal food where pork for instance is "unclean"} and well cook[ed]. I also love to eat food at home even though I am already an adult[,] especially those recipes that my mothers [mother] {I assume you only had one! Even your mother-in-law is not really your mother, so this sounded odd} made. Moreover, [ i]ndividuals who are fan[s ] of cooking will pick this side not only to save money but also to secure their families['] health.

Overall, although there are many different ways on how each person satisf[ies] their own craving for foods[, t]he {this was not a complete sentence} bottom line is still the same, that all of them are like to eat.

Writing Feedback / Both artists and scientists have immensely underpinned our society, since they first emerged. IELTS [2]

Hi, I thought your essay was pretty clear and had some good content, but maybe you are trying a bit too hard with your vocabulary. You had a lot of word choices and phrases that just did not sound very natural in your context.

Both artists and scientists have immensely underpinned our society, since they first emerged.{talking about people "emerging" sounds a little odd - I guess science and art emerged, but not the artists and scientists} Thanks to scientists, we now have numerous technologies and medicines that can almost solve [almost] any issue for us.{your version meant we could almost solve these problems, but not quite all the way} Along with the scientists' helps,{"help" is non-countable singular} the artists make our li[ves] vibrant and buoyant. Notwithstanding, our society tends to [be biased] bias towards the scientists because they provide us with some tangible benefits[, u]nlike artists, who are not favored {"not favored" makes it sound like no one likes artists} since people need to have a survival first before amusing.{this last phrase is incorrect - maybe "need to worry about surviving before looking for sources of amusement"}

When it comes to the scientists, then they can completely blow your mind. They render us with an abundance of technologies, such as robots, which can really facilitate our living. By possessing contemporary {"contemporary" sounds odd here} tools, scientists are even capable of creating lots of cures, which might protract our life expectancy. Imagine yourself, because of the scientist. {this sentence doesn't really make sense to me} We now can sit at home and read newspapers, due to robots which can automatically finalize {"finalize" does not really work here} every single chore for you. {not sure how sitting at home and reading newspapers ties into robots that do chores - plus, I haven't seen a robot that will do my dishes or fold my clothes :) } Not to mention that there are promising cures for HIV and cancer, which will be {the "are" and the "will be" don't really work here - I guess you are saying we have the cures, but the scientists still need to make them? it is unclear to me} made by the scientists. As a result, scientists are priceless people for our society. {this paragraph seemed a bit disorganized - more of a scattershot of different areas scientist work in" }

Sometimes our society might be bored,{it sounds odd to talk about a whole society being bored} [and] that is the time, {no comma here} when artists step in. They can bolster our spirit towards {"bolster towards" is not really correct} something bright. Without them, it would be arduous for our society to be this lively and placid. {"lively" and "placid" are basically antonyms, so this is unclear to me} For pragmatic instance, {"pragmatic instance" sounds odd} we watch movies every day to get rid of our boredom. Those movies w[ould] never exist {"would never have existed" is better though} without actors. Hence, the arts play a key role, in regards to relieving our stresses.

Frankly, it is quite daunting for our society to not have one of them.{I would not use "them" here, since this is a new paragraph and it is not really clear who "them" refers to} However, we need to survive and maintain our life first before entertaining.{"before being entertained" is better} Therefore, scientists will be {"should be" is better here} prioritized over artists in our society.

The aforesaid evidence shows that scientists' supports {"supports" sounds odd here} are enormous, and they will easily overweight [outweigh] artists' contribution. Taking all the points into account, scientists will always be chosen {"be chosen" is vague - be chosen for what and by whom? maybe "will always be honored more highly"} compared to the artists in our society.

Student Talk / Between UT Dallas and SMU, Which School is better for pursuing a master's degree in telecom engineer [5]

From a completely ignorant layman from Texas, to me SMU seems much more prestigious than UT Dallas, for what that's worth. To me though, seeing the program and talking to the professors is better than going by reputation alone.

Writing Feedback / Space Exploration versus basic human needs. Which is more important? [2]

You did not really develop your reasons very fully. I think adding some specific examples would be a good idea.

Space exploration is [has been] one of the greatest dream[s ] of mankind throughout the years. Nowadays, people are still arguing whether to [continue to] pursue this kind of projects. Countries with advanced technology [have] allotted enough funds knowing the importance of th[ese] discoveries[, b]ut{avoid beginning sentences with "but" or "and"} not everyone is agree[s ] with this scenario[, e]specially the poorest countries around the globe. They prefer to prioritize the needs of their citizen[s ] rather than other things.{avoid using "things" - try to be more specific} I also share this view.

Although space travel is essential to the growth of science and to the possible expansion of mankind to other planets; however, {don't use both "although" and "however" together here} it is still expensive and the possibility of damaging the environment is very high. {an example would make this more convincing}The large amount of money that is allocated to this can be useful to [in] other area[s ] that [will benefit] everyone will benefit such as housing allowance[s ] or feeding program[s ] for the less fortunate. In this way, they do not only protect the mother nature but also help those in needs.

Another thing [reason] is, because of the growing number of health issues th[ese] day[s ]. It is not a mere question to ask the government which one they will choose first[, t]he health of their people or another future advancement [ i]n space. The answer is very clear. The risk of investing and wasting money to [on] expedition[s ] outside the planet is much higher compared to providing funds for the well-being of every individua[l ]. A healthy community makes the country more productive[,] thus increasing the countr[y's] economy. {I think it is better to stick to one reason per body paragraph, but develop those reasons more fully}

Overall, even though traveling on [through the] galaxy is a promising path to humankind[, I ] believe that the everyday living and dilemma[s ] that human encounters is [people encounter are] more vital and significant.

Book Reports / This novel has received two of eight total awards won by the critically acclaimed "Divergent" [4]

I don't think repeating "this novel" is what your teacher meant about "repetition for effect" - everybody knows it is a novel, why do you need to stress that?

I think your intro is missing the "hook" - this needs to be something interesting that will draw in your reader. You can mention something about the plot of the book, like "Imagine living in a society where your entire life is predestined, based on a test you take when you are 12 years old" (or whatever the book is about - I never read it. Or you can say something interesting about literary awards, or you can tie the success of divergent to the rise of post-apocalyptic young adult fiction that began with the Hunger games. You just need something that will intrigue the reader and make her want to read more to learn about this topic.

Also, if you can come up with a good hook for the intro, you can return to that hook in the conclusion. For intros and conclusions, a good idea is to start out rather general in you intro, and then gradually focus down to the thesis. Then you do the reverse in the conclusion.

Undergraduate / Switzerland is the place where I want to study. Study plan for Glion Higher School of Education. [2]

Hi, overall your essay sounded a little unorganized. You seem to go back and forth from topic to topic without a discernible order. Maybe structure it by beginning with your early background when you chose your career path, then your education and experience, then your future goals and career path, and finally why you want to attend this school in particular and what you have to offer this school.

When I visited Switzerland for the first time, I realized that it is the place where I want to study in university. Peaceful surroundings and the beauty of Switzerland grasped [took] my breath away. Since my childhood, I was always [have always been a] very open person, who love[s ] to communicate with others[,] and studying in Glion gives me an opportunity to do what I am passionate about. Combining hospitality an[d ] event sport, [and] entertainment organization is a little dream {maybe not diminish this by calling it a little dream} that may come true. I am motivated to study in one of the best hospitality school[s ] and I am well motivated to use best of my ability in order to make the university proud.

Studying experience {"studying experience" sounds pretty odd} in international school for 7 years will help with students and teaching staff {this phrase sounds unclear - how are you supposed to "help with students"?} at Glion; because of the [I have a] clear understanding what is expected from [me ]and I will make sure I won't become a liability.

As Herzberg once said, money is not the only motivator, which suggests that no matter what I will be a hard working student; because I am following a path that I chose. {this sounds a bit odd - do you mean you are choosing the hospitality industry even though it does not pay well?}

Switze[r land is a developed {try to come up with something a bit more complimentary than merely "developed"} country with many opportunities for further education and new experience, which I would like to gain while studying at Glion; because to gain skill, you need experience.

I'm confident that i will suite [suit] {this still sounds odd, since it sounds like you are trying to make a "hotel suite" pun} the leading hotel management school in the world and will not become a liability. {why are you stressing "not becoming a liability"? - it sounds like "please let me come to your school, I promise not to break everything and ruin the place" - stress the positive more}

Since [When] I was 13, I used to help my dad at the negotiations {what negotiations? be a bit more specific} due to my ability in speaking {"my fluency in several" sounds better}several languages, which made me emotionally intelligent and allowed to understand people's feelings and control my empathy{why do you have to "control your empathy" - surely empathy is a critical component of a successful hospitality employee} in order to achieve the goals at the talks;{"the talks" sounds odd - usually it means high level negotiations between nations} because in now in the business world you come across people from different cultures and it's crucial to understand them.

Work experience that I gained at Active Management Asia Ltd taught me the organisation skills [necessary to manage] of the sporting events there. Other work experience that I gained at [in] Siam at Siam [H]otel, provided me with an opportunity to see a real hotel business from [the inside and gain much] it insight

[At my] Attendance at business conferences such as Innovate shows that I use[d ] every opportunity to strike out and become a polymath.{"polymath" sounds pretty odd}

Other challenges that I faced during my years in school is silver IA award that I have received, {an award is not a challenge} which taught me how to be a co-worker, which is essential in hospitality industry because you [are] part of a team and you are trying to reach the same goals.

My experience and positive attitude will help me to adapt to changes. Critical and analytical thinking skills would assist me in interacting with others and stating my opinion.

Writing Feedback / Worst criminals in our society. Murderers and their destiny! IELTS task 2 [2]

Hi, Vns9x, I didn't think this one was that convincing. I don't think murderers are more likely to escape and how much bad influence can they have on society if they are locked up away from society's eyes? Maybe you can focus more on the justice issue, giving the victims a sense of peace, avoiding the expense of housing a convict for dozens of years, and capital punishment acting as a deterrent to would-be criminals - you touched on this last point, but only very briefly.

.....................

Murderers have always been the worst criminals in our society. They should be punished austerely, otherwise the number of murderers will increase.{I think this statement needs a little support} By providing the death penalty for murderers, our society will be more placid to live in, {"a more placid place to live in" seems more natural} and that is what we are struggling for. {some graders don't like it when sentences end in prepositions} Thus, I absolutely disagree that murderers should sit in the prison, in lieu of being dead. {this last phrase sounds pretty odd}

Killing an innocent person is a sin, which can never be vanished [erased] {you can't really use "vanish" with an object, unless maybe you are talking about a magician} . If we do not create the death's policy,{"death's policy" is odd and unclear} then more and more people will become murderers. It is quite understandable, since living in a prison is much better than being dead. {this is ok, but it seems like you have to show that murderers are closely weighing the possible penalties before deciding to commit their crimes} If too many murderers [are] in the prison, then they might collaborate and escape from the prison. The likelihood of them being enfranchised {what do you mean by "enfranchised" here? it used to mean freeing slaves, but now it means giving people the right to vote} will be quite high as well. Assume {"assume" does not really work here} yourself, [in] a society with numerous murderers in the prison, obviously, there is a possibility that they might be able to get away. This occurrence can jeopardize our world. As a result, murderers should get what they deserve[, ] which is the death. {this escaping from prison idea is not very convincing to me at all - surely thieves, rapists, and other criminals are just as skilled at escaping from prison as murderers are and are just as likely to work together to escape, right? Plus, most of your paragraph talks about this angle, but this doesn't match your topic sentence}

Aside from the runaway [likelihood], we as human beings have been striving to have a peaceful life for years. Murderers' existence will never underpin {"underpin" is wrong here} our desire, which is to have a proper life. They will only spoil our society in many ways, such as being horrible role models for our kids. Our young generations always look up their elders. So, it is quite imperative to exterminate {"exterminate" sounds overly harsh when talking about people} all the murderer[s ] in this world. For pragmatic instance, there was a kid whose father was a murderer. Apparently, {"apparently" is not a very convincing transition here - it is often used ironically to point out something you don't agree with - "I just read the Republican political party platform. Apparently the best way to help the poor is by raising their taxes."} his father will somehow impact his offspring's mind in a disgusting {"disgusting" sounds a little odd in this context} way. Hence, there is no better punishment rather than death for such type of criminal.

The aforementioned evidences {"evidence" is singular, non-countable} show that, we should not give out our amnesty that easily, since it might affect the quality of our society. Taking all the points into account, I [am] completely against the community which asserts that we have to pardon the murderers and allow them to dwell in the prison. {this sounds like you are offering them a home}

Writing Feedback / Human expression; art-based subjects should be compulsory in the curriculum - IELTS TASK 2 [2]

Hi, I thought your essay was pretty good and I think your structure could be effective. But you need to guide the reader a little more with more specific topic sentences that clearly state what you are going to discuss, and whose point of view you are describing, for each body paragraph.

Art is a product of human expression. For this reason, the majority of educationalists contend that art should be a mandatory subject at [in the] secondary-school curriculum. It dues {"it dues" is wrong - do you mean something like "This is due to the fact that this activity ..."?} to this activity enhances the optimal condition {"optimal condition" sounds pretty odd here} of academic performance. Therefore, I strongly believe that art subjects enable tocreate student[s to uncover their] real ability.

The majority of schools these days are eliminating art programs [ i]n the curriculum[, replacing them] regard with subjects like IT. Th[eir] purpose is to prepare student[s for their] working life after school. To exemplify,{this transition is not quite right here} students can easily see{"see" is wrong - don't you mean learn or acquire? or do you mean that the students can see that these skills impress employers?} the word processing and programming skills[,] which really impress employers more than ability to draw well. As a result, subjects [ i]n the school curriculum should be relevant to their potential careers. {this whole paragraph seems to be going against your thesis - is this your opinion or the justification made by school administrators? Be more clear on this}

Conversely, art subjects render a support through [to] overall academic performance in secondary school. American [research] studies examine [conclude] that some American pupils who participate regularly in the arts (three hours a day on [for] three days each week through one full year) are four times more likely to be recognized for academic attainment and [are] more extremely {"more" and "extremely" don't work together} proficient at reading, writing, and math or to win an award for writing an essay or poem.{this sentence needs to be more parallel, or maybe split off the more likely to win an award part in a separate sentence} As a result, art education can be an essential part of intellectual development.

My own personal point of view for this case is that there are some merits { merits in what? Try to refer back to the prompt and/or your thesis in each topic sentence} in several aspects. Firstly, art improves [students'] literacy skill. Students who learn art subject {or "learn about art"} will have critical thinking skills wh[en] talking about art, which could then be applied to understanding and analyzing literary materials. Secondly, it creates [improves] student[s'] motor skill[s ] because they are[, for instance,] able to draw a square and begin cutting straight lines with scissors. Thirdly, students who learn from some pictures {"learn from some pictures" sounds very vague to me} automatically develop their visual learning. Consequently, students are able to do [all] three [of] these skills as I mentioned so which show their personal skills.{this last phrase beginning with "so" doesn't really make sense here}

In conclusion, art-based subjects have [a ]strong correlation with other academic performances . Where possible, all pupils should study art[,] music and other supporting subjects such as IT {why does IT support art? or I guess you mean it is like an enrichment subject?} and sport[,] at least at primary school. However, at secondary school, students should be offered a choice between these subjects so as to focus on one major to continue their study if they wish.

Undergraduate / A Responsible Citizen - Creative Personal Statement [2]

Hi, I think your essay was very good. I made a few suggestions in your text. Also, I like your additional paragraphs, but the first addition doesn't seem like it would fit in well if you put it right after your first paragraph. Also, I am a little confused about exactly how you plan to combine social work with economics - I mean what kind of career would you have? Maybe that is unnecessary detail, but I can't get a clear picture of how you want to combine those two pursuits.

okay so,
1-I need help with the start and end, is it fine as it is below. or should I add to it what I'm writing later.

2- needs proofreading and add/delete suggestions.

so there is no certain topic. what they ask of above the text box is: Creative Space/Personal Statement.
I intend of it to be the Personal statement.

As a responsible citizen, I have always felt it my utmost duty to maintain equilibrium by contributing back to society. Be it something as simple as taking care of a sick bird, helping a senior citizen cross a road or even buying food for a fellow homeless being, {"homeless being" sounds a little odd to me} I consider it my duty to help. The sense of accomplishment such an endeavor brings about is greater than any reward. Volunteering at The Citizens Foundation added fuel to my passion[,] as I had an opportunity to not only explore and re-invent teaching methodologies, but also familiarize myself with the workings of an NGO. Every day I met young and impressionable minds - whose potential, if given a benign {"supportive" seems better - benign is too neutral} environment, was beyond anything I could have perceived. I realized that education is the greatest gift one can bestow upon society.

And yet, I have a passion for economics too. Despite having a pure sciences background, I have always been fascinated by how a change in the exchange rate affects our cost of living, the myriad ways in which a government generates revenue, and the enigma which is an economic recession. My curiosity led me to pursue economics in the A-Levels and my interest in the subject has increased. The field that merges my thirst for economics and my passion for social work is economics itself. At its core, social work is concerned with social justice and arguably, social justice cannot be achieved unless economic justice is attained. Therefore, social work is concerned with the equitable distribution and access to resources. Additionally, I have observed that economics is not limited to centuries-old theories; rather, it is evolving per modern day needs. Thus, the diversity in this field is such that it would give me an edge in not only the many facets of economics but also in the ever-changing financial climate.

It was my interest in Economics that prompted me to persuade my father to invest in the local stock market. A venture that has allowed me to implement practically the knowledge gained through years of reading the Business section of the 'DAWN' Newspaper. {this is not a complete sentence} I have been actively managing my father's stocks[, ] suggesting trades based on market patterns and expected earnings of various organizations etc. I also plan to set up my own trader account at the Karachi Stock Exchange in the near future.

Belonging to a family where politics is the main topic of discussion in every gathering, I have developed an innate interest in the machination[s ] of the wider world. An avid reader of 'The Economist','The Telegraph' and "DAWN" newspaper, I am someone who wants to know something about everything and seeks to know all angles of a happening story. {"happening story" sounds odd - maybe "of a current story as it is happening"} On the other hand, {this transition sounds a bit odd, as this is not really the opposite of your previously mentioned interests} I'm a fitness enthusiast who seeks pleasure in breaking the psycho-physical barrier that is a training plateau. Training beyond my initial goal is a method that has not only helped increase my endurance but also taught me that limits are based entirely on perception.

At school I have occupied myself with management pursuits. I was part of the Public Relations {I would not capitalize this} department for our school's first ever Science Olympiad the "Scientia'13". An intense promotional campaigning , an exhaustive registration process and interaction with the over two-hundred {two words, no hyphen} participants of the event helped hone my interpersonal skills. The event proved to be a success and in 2014 I was again entrusted with the same responsibility to help cement Scientia as a permanent venture at our school. The second edition of "Scientia" proved to be [even] better {I mean, you just said the initial year was a success} as we managed to utilize the feedback of the participants to best effect and overcome the initial lapses.

1- should the two paragraphs below be the first and the last ones in the above essay, or is it fine as it is.

start with:
For years, my perception of college life had been but a seminar hall packed with hundreds of students whose cogitations {cogitations sounds a little bit "high falutin'" here :) }were drowned in a sea of typical coursework. However, when I chanced upon XYZ and its great emphasis on leadership through teaching and research, holistic undergraduate education, and civic engagement I knew that is where I belong.

end with:
Thus, I am excited about XYZ. The fact that there is a diverse and comprehensive course in Economics as well as a major in Accounting & Finance makes XYZ a perfect fit for me. Also, community service requires knowledge of the humanities and XYZ with its humanities school will expose me to a sublime environment that will allow me to explore my two vastly different interests in the classroom and beyond. I hope to be among the priviledged few in each XYZ class and I aim to flourish not just as a student but also as a person by interacting with the University's diverse and talented population

2- leave it as it is.

Writing Feedback / Start to develop the electric cars or solve the problem of transportation system? [3]

Hi, I thought your writing was pretty good, but your essay was not that convincing to me. I would have appreciated some detailed examples to illustrate and strengthen your arguments.

In my opinion, though the electric cars will not harm [increase] the air pollution, producing electrical cars will cause other problems, especially in funding problem,{this sounds odd - "funding" implies a government expenditure - but it sounds like you are talking about people being able to afford them} because it needs more much money than usual.{than the usual what? regular cars? public transportation? a bit vague to me} Firstly, if the governments want to produce electrical cars, they should think about its fuel as the electrical fuel {"fuel" doesn't really work here, as it needs electricity, not fuel, though I suppose the power plant generating the electricity may need fuel} is so expensive for some people and nowadays there are a few {make sure to understand the difference between "few" and "a few"} electrical fuel stations. Moreover, due to this electrical cars production, the governments have to cut much money which has been allocated to other sectors. {is this happening now, or a hypothetical? If a hypothetical, say "would have to cut"} Thus, it will decrease services of [in] other sectors such as health and educational sectors . {this paragraph was not that convincing to me - it sounds like the prompt is implying there is a certain amount of money, which can be spent either on developing electric cars or improving public transportation. The expense to the government will be the same in either case}

On the other hand, it seems to me that much money given{"spent" is better} by the governments will make excellent public transportation because they can repair the broken cars [trains] or buses and probably buy the newest public transportation. First of all, the repaired or newest vehicles will be usually used by many passengers since they [will] feel [more] comfortable in using public transportation. {try to give an example of this to make it more convincing} In addition, since there are [would be] many people utilizing those vehicles, not only [would] the number of private cars on the road is decreased gradually, but also the effect of global warming c[ould] be reduced steadily.

To conclude, it is clear to me that more much money [spent] for the development of public transportation gives m[ore] positive effects than money for the production of electrical cars does. I think that the governments should be fully prepared if they want to produce electrical cars in big scale. {maybe it is a cultural thing, but I did not read the prompt as the government actually producing the cars, but investing in basic research, like batteries, and maybe subsidizing charging stations and giving tax incentives to electric car purchasers}

Writing Feedback / Spend Money for City's Development - quality and a quantity of public service facilities [2]

Hi, I think you have the wrong format for this type of prompt. I would structure it as
Intro
Body 1 - why impressive buildings are important
Body 2 - why schools and hospitals are important
Body 3 - my opinion
Conclusion

You can often combine body 3 with the conclusion in the above outline. Here are my suggested corrections:

Some people think that large, impressive buildings are important for a city. Others believe that the money should be spent on improving schools and hospitals.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion
===================================================================
More attention should be paid on how money should be spent for {what city? my city? every city?} city's development. {try to add a sentence or two to show why this topic is important} Some people argue that money uses [should be used] to construct great buildings[ that] are significant for urban areas. Although this is true for [to] some extent, thanks to [since] having impressive buildings make[s ] the city more famous, other people think that money is weighty {"money is weighty" is incorrect and unclear} for build[ing] education[al] and health institution[s ] in the cities. However, I strongly believe that increasing a [the] quality and a quantity of public service facilities [is] better than developing spectacular buildings.

The most of big cities generally need many buildings to support their citizen's life activities. {tie each topic sentence back to the prompt - make it clear which side you are discussing} They have to spend much money to construct the[se] edifices. Money comes from [the] government's budget or private sector. While some buildings are used for an office and business activities like hotel[s ] and restaurant[s ], certain buildings are used for residential purpose like tower block or apartment. {it is not clear to me what these sentences have to do with the main topic} For instance, nowadays, there is [can be] one building block that has a lot of facilities. It is mentioned as a "one stop living" place where people [who] live in [a residential] dwelling area can do many things for their daily activities, especially doing sport, working, and buy[ing] some food to meet their need[s ]. Spend[ing] money is useful to construct the buildings, even though I think that the local government or private sector has to provide basic need[s ] for human being's life.{"human being" sounds odd unless you are talking about biology or comparing humans to other animals} {the whole point of this paragraph was unclear - are you saying this tower block is an example of a large, impressive building?}

Conversely, education and health cannot [be] separate from [a ]human's life.{human is like human being - see my comment above} Developed cities can be seen [judged] from the improvement of education facilities and the complete[ness] of health medium [services] instead of impressive buildings. Both of these sectors have determinedhuman's [citizens'] quality of life[, b]ecause, [with] more educated and healthy people, all the city's activities become more passionately. {"passionately" is an adverb and so can't be used to describe "activities"} However, the magnificent building is one of [the] supporting facilities for developing education and health to become better public service among the citizen. {this is a little unclear}

For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that using money to add some number of the best education and health facilities to the cities will make city-dwellers' mental [health] {although mental health is not really what you mean I think} become much better. Although many people think that build[ing] impressive buildings mak[s ]e the cities more notable, I recommend that local government has to [should] pay attention to the improving human life especially in education and health sectors.

Scholarship / I have a very strong interest in becoming a pediatrician because I love children and hospitals. [4]

Well, can you tell me exactly what the question was? I have made some suggestions below. Is this scholarship only for pediatricians? Your essay was pretty good, but seemed too general, with a lot of information that I'm sure the readers will already know. I would like more personal information about why you in particular deserve this scholarship. Also, overall your essay seemed a little unorganized. I can't really see your main point you want to drive home.

I have a very strong interest in becoming a pediatrician because I love children and hospitals. As a child[,] I remember going to the hospital for my yearly checkups and loving all the smells, sights and sounds. I loved being in my pediatrician's office messing with all the equipment and even playing with her stethoscope. After seeing how happy she looked dealing with all her patients, I knew that this was the career I wanted to be in. Also, my friends are always calling me the "Mom" of the group. This lets me know that they look up to me for advice and consider me a nurturing person. Knowing that my friends look up to me this way, is a constant reminder for me to go into the medical field and help as many people as possible.

As a high school senior I currently volunteer at my local hospital ,Cleveland Clinic, and take math and sciences[science] courses, for example, calculus and physics. As a volunteer at Cleveland Clinic Hospital, I get to work with children one day out of the week {"one day each week"

seems better in this context} and help file patient records another day out of the week. Being able to see the kids smile and know[ing] that patient records are safe and secure gives me the joy of knowing I'm helping change people's lives already. Also, the courses that I'm currently taking in high school are giving me a head start on what I have to look forward to going into college.

Life will be awesome {"awesome" is so overused - try to use something more specific - maybe "fulfilling"} for me once I achieve this career because I'll be doing what I love. I will get to work with children and help them to maintain a happy healthy li[ves]. I will also have to determine their symptoms and refer them to surgery if necessary. Also, a large part of a pediatrician's job is to educate parents about their children's health and to help them deal with their child's illness. Plus, I'll constantly being doing science research on coming up with new ideas and techniques to help save a child's life in the future. Along with tending to my patients, I will also have to attend conferences, monthly pediatric meetings, and staff meetings. {this paragraph seemed pretty weak - the "have to" makes it sound like this is a requirement, maybe not something you look forward to. Plus, I am sure the readers of your essay know already know what the job requirements of a pediatrician are}

If I do not end up attaining my first choice career as a pediatrician, I have two other careers that I think I would be happy in. The first one is a family practitioner. A family practitioner deals with everyone in the family from toddlers, children, teens, to adults and elders. If that career doesn't work out, my last resort will be a physician's assistant. A physician assistant basically does everything a pediatrician does except they'll be more behind the scenes[,] unless the pediatrician is unavailable. As long as I'm in the medical field helping people, I will be happy. {your last sentence is good, but I am not sure why you included the rest of this paragraph}

I will maintain the focus and tenacity necessary to achieve my career goal by studying and constantly reminding myself that all my hard work will pay off in the end. Also, when times get hard I'll remind myself that helping children to live a happy life is important and the one thing that I love to do. {this sounds odd, as if this is the only thing you love in life - surely that is an exaggeration?} I am a very determined person and once I set a goal for myself, I don't stop until I reach it. Another thing {try to avoid using "thing" - it is better to be more specific - maybe "aspect"} is that,{no comma} the benefits from being a doctor will help me stay focused. For example, I [will] get to help children all day and make a difference in that child's life. Additionally, I'll remind myself {this "I'll remind myself" sounds a bit odd here} that I want a big family one day and I want each and every one of my kids to be the happiest and healthiest kids there are. If awarded this DAR scholarship, I will be given the opportunity to achieve my goal and start making a difference in a child's life.

Writing Feedback / Body Scanner and CCTV have significantly enhanced our safety and security [3]

Governments play a pivotal role [in enhancing the] to enhance safety and security of their citizens[, w]hich is why they set up some technologically advanced equipment such as body scanners and video surveillance in a particular area[s ], especially in public places. Whilst I think that these tools have given a rise to a loss of privacy, I firmly believe that using the technology has more positive than negative effects.

[First,] I would argue that security guards who use a body scanner can obviously see a person's body who passes through the tool as it detects objects without removing clothes or making physical contact. {this does not really give a reason supporting your thesis} A 2012 study conducted by [the] FAA shows that full-body scanners which [that] have operated in American airports have pictured a number of nude bodies. {this is a little unclear - I guess they are not supposed to do this?} Although this type of surveillance can save many people and airports, {"save airports" sounds odd} it also makes people inconvenient {no, it is inconvenient to people" - a person can not really be inconvenient, although they can be inconvenienced} as someone looks at their bodies. {this paragraph does not really support you thesis - try to show how this possible objection is not valid or important}

On the other hand, body scanners help some companies to secure their places. {"their places" sounds odd here} Since a full-body scanner can detect weapons and narcotics, people who [are] bring[ing] them are not allowed to come in a building and probably will be committed to prison{"committed to prison" sounds odd] . In [The] Netherlands, for example, were many body scanners which have been located in airports and bus stations. As a result, should criminals pass through the scanners, they are [will be] caught. There is no doubt that this has enhanced safety and security efficiently.

In addition, setting up some closed-circuit televisions in public places can help government to reduce [the] crime rate because the places are kept under surveillance. A result reveals that a growing number of CCTV systems have been installed in city centers of New York[, ] which is [has been] followed by other cities. As it can be seen from the example, the more money the city councils spend, the safer their city will be. {this is not that clear - maybe CCTV systems are cheaper than hiring additional police officers}

The aforementioned evidence shows that although technological security tools result in a loss of privacy, they have more advantages to prevent crimes. {this last part sounds odd - more advantages than what?} Where possible, the pictures and the records from the tools should be deleted after [being] analysed. {I would not really add a important piece of information like this in the conclusion}

Graduate / There is an actual relationship between the high voltage power lines and me. [3]

There is an actual relationship between the high voltage power lines and me. While overhead transmission lines have mostly been for the birds that perch on the t[op] of these towers, as for me, I used to be just like a bird in order to provide maintenance services without shutting down the circuit. I worked as a power technician in the ------------------. Eventually, I started my education with electrical certification from the Training Department - -------------. Then, I joined to -------------- of Technology to obtain an associate degree in the same field. Afterward, and because my ambition has no limits, I decided to develop my knowledge to jump from the technical zone to the engineering world. I obtained my bachelor's degree in electrical engineering technology in the field of power systems and electric machines. Currently, I'm pursuing my masters of science in electrical engineering at the University of ------------, US.

In the short term, my goal is to pursue the [a] PhD in the smart grid field, which is the most interesting technology for me[, one] that [has] be[come] more important[,] especially in the [area of] power systems engineering. This would allow me to teach, conduct world-class research, mentor students, supervise their work, and contribute significantly to the technological development of the nation. I set this goal because I would address a specific case of the smart grid challenges that could contribute to devolve{"devolve" sounds odd and unclear here} this area of research principally because I strongly believe that I have a deep interest in research work and strong aptitude for the type of problem discovering and solving. {this last phrase sounds pretty odd} One of my targets is to be a professional researcher where I can contribute my knowledge and experience to the future development of the organization and achieve growth in my professional carrier either academic or industry area. {this whole paragraph seemed weak - what is it that you want to accomplish?}

In addition, I have been a student member of the IEEE (Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers) for the past six months. Through its workshops/seminars and publications it has [I have been] exposed me to a lot [multitude] of emerging technologies in the field of smart grid [planning]. I have also [have] a student membership at the IEEE Power and Energy Society, and I am following their new posters, {"following their posters" sounds pretty odd} workshops and news in the power system.

I also like to attend {"enjoy attending" sounds a little more polished} both conferences and exhibitions, which [that are] related to power and energy. Even though I didn't present ether [nor] submit any paper. {this is not a complete sentence} Just because I believe that I would learn and gain so much in [from] these events that I should not postpone it to later. Additionally, I am sure that it is the first stage of PhD path is to be able to publish papers, present and participate in workshops.

While I was working on my undergraduate coursework I have attended the 16th International Trade Exhibition for Electricity, Power Generation, Alternative Energy, Water Technology, Lighting & HVAC for --------, which was held on May 2013. Additionally, I had the opportunity to attend the International Energy and Sustainability Conference on October, 2014 at Long Island, New York.

I am highly aware of the superb reputation of the University of -----------, and my conversation with Prof. __________ has served to deepen my interest in attending. Therefore, I hope to take this opportunity to be a member of [join] the group that work[s ] under Prof. __________ directions. The research interests that I plan to work on are very similar to the Prof. Sara['s] researchers[, making me quite certain of my future] resulting of what I am pretty sure would increase the chance of success in research work.

Thankfully, {"thankfully" sounds a little odd here}I would like to mention that I have awarded a full paid scholarship from the ministry of energy, --------. This golden opportunity w[ill] help me to be comfortable [financially, allowing me to] from the financial situation in order to focus on the graduate courses and researches.

Sincerely,

Graduate / There is an actual relationship between the high voltage power lines and me. [3]

Hmm, saying that high voltage transmission lines are mainly for the benefit of the birds that roost on them seems very odd to me and not something an electrical engineer (like myself) would want to hear.

Also, you have many errors, like "tap" instead of "top". "joined to" instead of "joined". "the PhD" instead of "a PhD"

actually let me correct your grammar ...

Writing Feedback / The line graph provides a breakdown information in terms of quadrillion units of energies [2]

Hi, you addressed the graph correctly, but parts of your report were pretty hard to follow. Talking about "the q" is wrong - I guess you would say "the number of quadrillions". I don't have the key to the graph, but to me it looks like there are three groups, with blue being in one, red and orange being in the second, and green, maroon and purple being in the last - talking about this might give the reader a better overview of the data.

Undergraduate / Johns Hopkins additional essay: Why JHU? - because of it fame and its industrious envrionment [3]

To me this paragraph just seems a little generic. You tend to overstate things a little bit - like using "wonderful", or "renowned" but your paragraph seems to lack specifics. This paragraph could apply to almost any school - why do you want to go to Johns Hopkins in particular? What draws you to this specific university?

Writing Feedback / Stunning and nail-biting special effects in today's television. [6]

The only idiom of "word" I am familiar with is when you use it to mean "Yes, I agree with you" :

Man, that movie was so awesome.
Word.

I agree that "world" does really work there - I would stick with "phrase".

Essays / Topic for Oral Exam for B2 - Study abroad and why i choose a summer course [6]

Your post is a little unclear to me. You want to present an oral report on the topic of studying abroad?