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Posts by mumtazdinar
Name: Zuhairan Yunan
Joined: Jan 29, 2015
Last Post: Nov 18, 2015
Threads: 12
Posts: 15  
Likes: 12
From: Indonesia

Displayed posts: 27
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Nov 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / Australian people like watching movies in cinemas. IELTS WRITING TASK 1 [4]

Hi Andre,

These are some suggestions for your writing:

A comparison of the propotion of places visited by different people living in Australia is illustrated in the bar chartThe bar graph compares the proportion of .... Overall, it can be seen that,(no comma)Cinema is the popular place which are visited by people born in Australia and new migrants people born in Englih-speaking countries, while new migrants people born in other countries prefer to visit the library. while people who born in Australia and new migrants are more likely visiting the Cinema, new migrant people who born in other countries prefer to visit the library.

It is better if you use an active sentence to explain the chart. Likewise, you can discuss the chart by grouping people categories or the type of places. Do not forget to use some words like "while, whilst, although, however" for making a comparison

Good Luck and Happy Writing
Apr 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / Is the criminality among youngsters caused by the lack of the social and emotional learning? [2]

Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

More attention should be paid on how young people get involved in a criminal action. Many a person thinks that the number of crimes has increased among youngsters below 18 years old. While it is utterly true to some extent as their parents are very busy and their teachers only focus on subject school, other people argue that increasing the number of crimes is happened because young people are influenced by their friends, environments, and media. However, I totally believe that senior citizens should be involved to tackle this issue.

In modern era, there are many aspects can affect young people in their lives. Firstly, young people are usually influenced by their colleagues. They play together and follow what their friends do. Many severe impacts will happen to young people if they do not have control themselves such as drugs. Secondly, a place where young people living also can bring a negative side. For instance, if they live around alcoholic environment, they will be a drunker. Thirdly, mass media give some negative effects. For example, many young people can access much information from internet, including pornography website. It is harmful to them and makes their knowledge become limited.

On the other hand, parents and teachers should be responsible to this problem. Many teachers only focus on the subject materials. Never do they care about their student's behavior. It is very essential to know pupils activities. Likewise, most parents are busy people. They work every day and never do they know what their children do in the school or in the environment. Rarely do they meet each other. Children have a little care from their parents. Hence, young people have opportunity to do a criminal.

For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that while there are several factors can make young people do a crime activity, parents and teachers should give well education to young people. It is imperative that older people in every place should encourage young people to be the best person in their lives.
Apr 3, 2015
Writing Feedback / Young officials recruited from prestigious colleges are needed to be a part of the government [4]

Hi Prasanth,

These are several suggestion for your writing,

A g overnment is the responsible units for better functioning of the societies . All a ctions which have been taken by the government will be responsible for growth of a society growing the societies. Thus, we can derive thea fact that persons people who hold holding the key positions are creditworthy for proper functioning of the government. Some people claim that younger peopleyoungsters must be recruited for important positions and the rest vote for experienced officials. I feel that right combination of youth and experience is required in government key positions and this essay will focus on this point.

Young officials who are recruited from prestigious colleges, will have a different thought process which is most required for present day society, while the experiences will stick to old school. Young generation will analyse the problems in different views, thus providingso as to provide a better solution. For instance, young government workers in Bangalore are helped bysought help of college students to analyse the traffic problem in major junctions, and co me up with a rewarding idea of changing the traffic rules and diverting the traffic. Positive results are observed at junctions like g raphite without any major constructions like new flyovers etcre-write this sentence .

On the other hand, experienced professionals have a better foresight owing to the experiences in their fields . An experienced employee will take a better decision than a naive youngster. This is required in critical fields like b udget, military etc which has money and life at stakere-write this sentence . AnA young graduate can only design a budget based on the statistics of the previous budgetsaccording to previous budget statistics but cannot foresee issues which might crop up.

In conclusion, the ability of young generations must be utilized for betterment of the nationnation improvement and the experienced people must take up the job offor recruiting talented professionals and guide them to build a better society.

Good Luck and Happy Writing
Apr 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences [2]

Hi Anfalia,

These are several suggestions for your writing,

Crime is an issue that deserves public attention.

It would be better for their personalities because they will learntlearn the lesson after living at prison ...

In this place, prisoners receive education of vocational skillvocational education because they earngain personal skill.
As a result, prisoners would be better citizens by having specific job skill.

In conclusion, either prisons or rehabilitations are a place to punish criminals ...
... selectively whether rehabilitation or prisons isare the place for criminals based on offender's kinds of criminalitiescriminality

Note: Your essay is only 247 words.
Good Luck and Happy Writing
Apr 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / Mobile Phone's Market Share; BenQ fell significantly from 4.9% in 2005 to 2.4% in 2006 [2]

The table gives information about the market share of worldwide mobile phone sales between 2005 and 2006, and it is measured in percentage. Clearly, it can be seen that while four mobile phone companies showed a decrease proportion of share, three others experienced an increase figure within a year. However, Nokia's company was the highest market share in the world.


Mar 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / More attention should be paid on how people live - the society, people migrates from place to place [2]

In the past, people usually stayed in one place throughout their lives. These days, people move more around. They often live in several places in their life time.

Agree or Disagree?

More attention should be paid on how people live. Many a person thinks that people in the past were more likely to live in a same place. While it is utterly true to some extent as they wanted to be close with their families, other people argue that people today tend to move to other places because they want to improve their quality lives. However, I strongly believe that living in the many places is difficult for some people.

Mar 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / Today, there are a lot of kitchen utensils available in the market, which people can buy. Quick food [2]

Nowadays, food becomes easier to prepare. Has this changed improved the way people live?

Yes or No


More attention should be paid on how instant food can change people's lifestyle. Many a person thinks that it is easy to prepare a meal at the present time. While it is true to some extent as many inventions are found to help people accomplish cooking activities such as rice cooker and microwave which can make their lives more relaxed, other people argue that eating fast food is more likely to be harmful because people do not know about the food nutrition especially when they eat meals in restaurant and fast-food outlets. However, I totally believe that this improvement affects the way of people's lives.

Today, there are a lot of kitchen utensils available in the market, which people can buy. This helps people to prepare food instantly. Firstly, rice can be cooked with the rice cooker in 15 minutes compared to a conventional cooker which usually takes half an hour. Preparing rice with this advanced technology makes people much more comfortable because they do not need to do manual check even if the rice is well done. Secondly, microwave can be used to maintain the food warm so as that this cooked food can be consumed more than twice. Unless this way works effectively, then people will not have free time, such as reading books and watching television.

Apart from these tangible benefits, it is believed that instant food is a key factor of chronic illness since this is consumed too much. A 2012 Oxford University pointed out that 85% of people in Singapore, who consume meal in food shop regularly like Mc Donald and Pizza Hut, face a health problem such as obesity, cancer, and diabetes. It happened because never do people concern about the fast food nutrition. It is widely recognised that the instant food can be harmed to the humankind.

For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that although sophisticated devices can make people's lives much more uncomplicated, preparing natural food is much better because people can control the nutrition so as to make them healthier. It is imperative that people should take into consideration on their high-quality food as this affects people's body conditions.
Mar 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / The process of the greenhouse effect in the earth' surface - too much gases accumulated [3]

Hi shintacandrade,

These are several suggestion for your writing,

The diagram illustrates the process of the greenhouse effect inon the atmosphere.
Overall, what stands out from the graph shows while this cycle showsdescribes a natural process, human ...

Basically, energy from the sun will be released tofrom the earth's surface as heat.

Actually, this is a wonderful essay. Keep spirit....
Good Luck and Happy Writing
Mar 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / The process of pencil making from graphite and wood [3]

The diagram presents the two processes of pencil making. Clearly, it can be seen that the process divided into two stages. Although the process of pencil cases shows many stages, the process of pencil leads were more complicated.

Firstly, pencil leads are made by mixing ground graphite, clay, and water together. Graphite dough is resulted by its process. Afterwards, the graphite dough is pressed into the forming press, and graphite rod is come out. Following this, the graphite rod is cut by using a small saw to get the leads. The leads should be dried in the oven with heated level of 800 degree Celsius. After the heated step, the leads are placed in the wood grooves.

Secondly, pencil cases are made by cutting wood on the saw machine. These wooden slats are shaped with grooves cut to make the slot for the pencil leads. Each slat is grooved, and the leads are glued on to the groove. Slots are put on the previous slats containing leads to produce 'sandwich' of slats.

Finally, the 'sandwich' of slats is shaped to the shaping machine to create smooth finish. Afterwards, the finished pencil has been produced, and it is ready to use.

  • Pencil
Mar 8, 2015
Writing Feedback / There have been growing concerns from many schools about the concentrate of students in class. [4]

Hi Misstuyet94,

These are several suggestions to improve your writing,

In recent years, there have been growing concerns from(for) many schools about the concentrate of students in class(students' concentration on their classes) . This had led to the(a) question whether educational managers can give individual attention on every student or not. This essay will discuss the solutions of the problem mentioned above.

First of all, students lack of attention when they are in class as a(the) result of boring studying(study) programs. Therefore, both of educational managers and teachers should establish or promote(a) curriculum of(for) students. This means that people should supply more interesting things into program such as more extra activities, games and individual exercises. Consequently, (the) students will feel excited(excitement) then they attend (the) class with enthusiastic (add a noun here) .[/quote]

[quote=Misstuyet94]Another major cause for(of) this is that some teachers do not have any good attitudes and animations when they teach children(the students) . Thus, one obvious solution is for this is that all schools should pick up and train (the) teachers in active way. In fact, children(the students) can be motivated by the way teachers' expression .

Last but not least,T eachers also should create firmly rules(rules firmly) in (the) class. More specifically, (the) teachers should commend and reward if children(when the students) focus on (their) lessons very well. Besides, (the) students can be defined when they do not spend any concentrate(concentration) in (the) class. These solutions will remind (the) students to express their learning attitudes in(about) good ways.

In short, the issues above has(have) resulted in several serious consequences which require immediate attention. Moreover, we should make a concerted effort to solve these problems to(and to) create a better future for our next generations.

Good Luck and Happy Writing
Mar 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Riversdale University's Map in 1973 and in 2010 - IELTS Writing Task 1 [2]

The map illustrates the changes that have occurred in the campus of Riversdale University over a 37 year period beginning in 1973 and ending in 2010. The most noticeable change is the replacement of many areas with building and transportation facilities.

To begin, there were several major changes to transport in the campus. A tram stop and car park B have been built on the west of campus. While the river has remained, a bridge has been constructed on the south side of the river.

There have also been changes to the building facilities in Riversdale University. A student union has been moved to the west of campus. Although the library building has been extended, social science building and law building have been merged into one building on the south side of campus. Fine art building has been replaced with information sciences building. However, three buildings remained in the campus area.

The nature reserve has changed. Medical school will construct on the south side of the nature reserve and will be planned in 2019.

  • Riversdale University's Map
Mar 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Changes in the proportion of online shopping to the film/music retail sector in New Zealand [NEW]

The pie charts compare the percentage of online sales on four different retail sectors in New Zealand between 2003 and 2013. Clearly, it can be seen that the greatest change was in the proportion of online shopping to the film/music retail sector.

In 2003, the most popular retail sector was travel, representing just over one third of all retail sectors, and although it was still a popular retail sector, by 2013 it had fallen to a quarter of the total. At 24%, clothes experienced the second most popular retail sector to sell, but this fell significantly to only 16% ten years later. Initially, online sales on the books retail sector showed fairly low, at only 19%. However, this figure increased dramatically over the ten years to represent the third largest proportion of online sales in 2013 at 22%.

More change was seen in the film/music retail sector. Online sales on its sector went up significantly to 33% in 2013. This figure represented the first highest percentage of online sales over ten years.

  • Online Sales
Mar 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / Firstly, when the rain falls, the dam is full for a period of time. How the rainwater is reused. [5]

The picture illustrates the use of rainwater for drinking and other domestic purposes. Clearly, it can be seen that the process is divided into three stages. While one stage can be recycled, other two stages is reserved.

Firstly, when the rain falls, the dam is full for a period of time. The water which is collected in the dam then is sent to water treatment plant using a pipe. The water is produced to be drinking water for household consumption.

The second is the household waste-water is used to produce drinking water. The waste-water is sent to the waste-water treatment plant. When the waste-water is purified, the excess treated water is sent to the river. The purified water is collected in the tank. Then, recycled water is sent back to the houses.

Finally, when the rain falls into the roof and water tank, the water is stored in the tank. The water which is collected in the tank then is sent to the garden. The storm-water is sent to the river via drain.

  • RainWater
Mar 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / I intend to argue that the general impacts of international tourism have in fact been negative [2]

Hi huonghoavc94vn,

These are several suggestions for your writing:

In the recent years, there has seen(been) a significant increase in global tourism. W e can not(cannot) deny its (that) economic (of) prosperity for host countries.it can cause(It can be caused by) some serious influences. In this essay, I intend to(for) argue that the general impacts of(on / upon) international tourism have in fact been negative(re-write this part) .

First of all, global tourism can expose several negative aspects of wester(to western) cultures. (It is) because the wealthy usually afford to travel abroad to visit developing countries, like Thailand, India, etc, which could advertise their cultures to other countries around the world. However, the tendency of global tourism has brought many social problems such as prostitution, alcoholism, (and) drug abuse. It is an undeniable fact that international tourism has brought people over(across / around / in / throughout) the world together as well as create cultural understanding among(about / of) people from different nations.

Further and even more importantly, though,(re-write this part)the environmental degradation would be the major concern of(about / over / for) host nations. I t came to my knowledge that a(the) number of beautiful beaches have been seriously polluted by(with) garbage on the beach. AG reat number of visitors have joined (with) special activities such as boats(boating) , scuba diving, (and) surfing, etc, but they do not have right attitudes to protect natural environment. In order to tackle this issue, the authorities need to pass the strict rules toward(about / concerning / on / regarding / relating to / for / of) foreign tourists as well as local people.

Good Luck and Happy Writing
Mar 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Fixed punishments or the circumstances of an individual crime. [4]

Hi tantadedanaan,

These are my suggestions for your writing:

Nowadays, one of the major problems around the world is the increasing crime rate, and people have split opinion on how to address this issue. Some individual believes(individuals believe) that there should be standard law for(concerning / on / regarding / relating to) different kinds of crime. On the other hand, others state that the severity of each case and the motivation for doing it should be taken in(as) consideration before giving a punishment. I will discuss and elaborate these two sides more.

There are some good advantages of(in) fixed punishment, and one of these is easy and fair justice system. It helps the judge to decide the sentence easier and faster(easier and faster sentences) because of the availability of standardized policies. Furthermore, every citizen will receives(receive) equal trial whatever their social status in life. In my point of view, I considered this as potent law, especially if the criminal involves isdouble verb an influential person (re-write this sentence). Moreover, it will also serves as(serve to) an effective deterrent for potential offender by instilling fear in their mind, thus lessening the crime incidence in the society.

Nevertheless, other people argue that the circumstances of each case should be taken in(with) account first before giving a proper response. It is a more humane process where the legal officials can conclude depending on the criminal's conduct. In reality, individuals sometimes are forced to commit a certain(certain) misconduct due to poor living conditions or as an act of self protectionself-protection . For example, a man who steals money to buy foods for his starving family should receives different penalty(should receiving a different penalty) compared to(with) a repeat offender. Hence, the guilty person has to suffer more for their wrongdoing.

Overall, both views have an equal benefits to restore peace in the community, but I believe that it is better to review the circumstances of each crime before implementing a sanction against it.

Good Luck...
Mar 1, 2015
Writing Feedback / Video surveillance has become common place in many countries to reduce crime [5]

Hi anhminh3105,

These are several suggestions for your writing:

1. It is true that video surveillance has become 2. commonplace in many 3. countries by the effort of the governments in term of reducing crime. While I understand that critics may see this as 4. the personal violation, I 5. wholeheartedly believe that there are more benefits than drawbacks.

1. You stated "true" in the first sentence, but there is no reason why this is "true". I suggest that you write 1 sentence before you give a "true" statement. This is an instance for you: Development in advanced technology such as a CCTV has helped people to control criminal action rates in their towns. It is true ... (You continue with your statement here)

2. Commonplace in: this is not collocate, you have to put "among" (commonplace among)

3. Country is different with city. Based on Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary, country is an area of land that has its own government, army, etc. City is a large town. It is better for you to use "large town or town" to paraphrase "city".

4. The personal: You did not mention the word "personal" before, you have to omit the article "the".

5. Based on Oxford Collocations Dictionary, the word for "wholeheartedly" is used with these verbs: agree, approve, concur, disagree, embrace, endorse, recommend, subscribe, support. For example: I wholeheartedly agree

Suggestions for paragraph 1:
1. You should answer why video cameras reduce crime.
2. You should answer why video cameras restrict individual freedom.
3. You should give more benefits than drawbacks or vice versa and give general examples.
4. Your opinion or your position.

At least, you have 4 sentences in the first paragraph.

Good Luck...
Feb 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Universities' aims should provide more opportunities for students to study their own shake [3]

Hi Shintacandrade,

These are several suggestions for your writing, I hope these can improve yours:

Some experts believe universities are the place

You need a connector here : Some experts believe that universities are the place

as job prospects are very important

Better you put some examples here : as job prospects are very important such as a doctor, a pilot, etc.

However, others think college's curriculum should focus

You need a connector here : However, others think that college's curriculum should focus

Plenty of evidence pointed out that most of the successful person who achieves great accomplishment is who have chosen their study interests.

Plenty of evidence pointed out that most of the successful person who achieves great accomplishment has chosen their study interests.

Their dedication and painstaking investigation on their own science have been successfully developed many useful theory for humanity.

Their dedication and painstaking investigation on their own science have successfully developed many useful theories for humanity.

Good Luck...
Feb 23, 2015
Writing Feedback / Study once specialist subject or a series of subjects in universitiy [6]

Some people think universities students should only study once specialist subject, while others think the universities should encourage the students to study a series of subjects in addition to the one subject.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

More attention should be paid on how universities provide a subject in their curriculum. Ordinary people think that college students only focus on specific part of subject. While it is true to some extent as they come to be a good professional person such as a doctor and an engineer, other people argue that adding some subjects to the universities curriculum make the students have an extensive knowledge instead of their primary subject as they will get much information to support their field subject. However, I comprehensively agree that the universities which provide an additional subject will bring their graduate into a highly competent person.

Feb 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / Nowadays, the environment where people live affects them so much [3]

Hi Tillie,

Some advice for your writing:

Before you submit to the forum, you have to make your paragraph easy to read. Kindly to separate the first paragraph, second, third, etc.

Living in a small town or in a big city both

Living in both of a small town or a big city

I believe that living in a big city is better by the way it gives people more choices, high education and good transportation.

Comparative: better ... than ....
I believe that living in a big city is better facilities than in a small town, because the big city provides high education and good transportation to the people.

he is not in the dangerous situation anymore

he is not in dangerous situation

Good Luck !!!
Feb 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / Start to develop the electric cars or solve the problem of transportation system? [3]

Hi Imaduddinnst,

These are several suggestions to improve your writing:

The serious air pollution problem caused by gas emission

Passive: The serious air pollution problem is caused by gas emission

air pollution problem while others personally believe

Put a comma before while: S+V, while S+V --->> air pollution problem, while other personally believe

educational sectors

education sectors

that more much money for the development of public transportation gives many positive effects than money for the production of electrical cars does.

that spend much money to develop public transport gives many positive effects instead of produce the electrical cars .

Good Luck !!!
Feb 9, 2015
Writing Feedback / Spend Money for City's Development - quality and a quantity of public service facilities [2]

Some people think that large, impressive buildings are important for a city. Others believe that the money should be spent on improving schools and hospitals.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

More attention should be paid on how money should be spent for city's development. Some people argue that money uses to construct great buildings are significant for urban areas. Although this is true for some extent, thanks to having impressive buildings make the city more famous, other people think that money is weighty for build education and health institution in the cities. However, I strongly believe that increasing a quality and a quantity of public service facilities better than developing spectacular buildings.

Feb 7, 2015
Writing Feedback / The wind turbine installation method and the optimum choice location of the tower [NEW]


The diagrams below show the design for a wind turbine and its location.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


The two pictures describe installing wind turbine and optimum site locations. At the first glance, it can be seen that there are several materials to design a wind turbine and some options to put it in ideal place.

According to the picture, the wind turbine needs sturdy tower that is built from steel. Before the tower was set up, need to be the installation of a generator at the top of the tower. To be able to measure wind speed and direction. Also, used wind sensor on the top of the generator. These sensors will provide information on computers which is nearby the tower to adjust its direction and angle. The blades are built from fiberglass or wood. The blades start rotating based on wind speed and direction. The energy has come to generator according to these blades. This generator changes from mechanical energy into electrical energy. This generator can produce 1.5 megawatts energy.

For the optimum locations of the wind turbine is in coastal areas, at the top of hills. The blades will receive maximum strength wind. In contrast, while the turbine can be set up near coast line, it gets less strength wind. However, domestic turbine can be placed on the hill and produce 100 kilowatts lead power.

  • Wind Turbin
Feb 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / 'life is never flat' - Media as a way to help each other [6]

Hi Zihni92, these are some suggestions:

Nevertheless, there are some people think

It better you use "other ", because you already mentioned "some " in the first opinion.

"Nevertheless, other people think "

citizen life without an electricity

uncountable noun
Feb 6, 2015
Writing Feedback / Professional jobs are undervalued, whilst actors or company bosses are paid huge money [3]

Hi Cuynomellen,

These are several suggestions for your writing:

A case of point, nurses, doctors, and teacher are essential to society


Although, this condition is seem unfair.

Use this form: Although S+V, S+V.

Doctor will earn money ranged from $200,000 to about 550,000 a year

Doctors earn money from $200,000 to $550,000 a year
Feb 2, 2015
Writing Feedback / Reasons for finding talented people [2]


Televised talent shows have become popular in many societies today. Are these shows a good method of finding talented people, or are they just entertainment?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


More attention should be paid on how to discover skilled persons from televised talent shows at present time. Most of folks argue that finding a proficient people through the talent competition which presented on television is only for fun. While this view is true for some extent, other people think that this is better manner. Consequently, I strongly believe that looking for highly competent people from televised professional shows is prime method.

Nowadays, we can find many aptitude contests in television. Usually, people who involve this competition are between 18 years old and 26 years old. However, sometimes several contests have no limit for age. There are various kinds of ability are counterpart. For example, singing is the most popular skill that often shown. People who have good voice will sing many genres of song, both of pop and rock. Other thing is comedian, it is known as "standup comedy", the contest that to look for a talented person in comedy. This is the funniest television show today. However, the winners of this program are mostly come from great quantities of short message service that their received from people who watched this contest. This is the drawback of televised talent show.

On the other side, finding skilled person usually should be through from many stages and hard selections. Start from first selection has a huge number of registered participants. More than 1000 people registered and come from many cities. Usually, they will be filtered until top 15 and go on to the next real contest in television. From the top 15, they were quarantined by committee of the competition. In their home stay, they receive training to improve their skill then they acquire more knowledge to increase their ability and talent. This is the advantage of the process on televised talent show.

For the reasons mentioned above, it seems to me that tracing professional humans from skilled exhibition in television is good method. It is imperative that the idea of televised talent shows is advisable to find out appropriate flair people.