Writing Feedback / Should parents attend parenting training course? [3]

Hi Reza, I reckon you have needed improvements for finalizing your essay. Please meet my notes and review them so that you don't fall in the same mistakes.

1. Pay attention to delivering proper words. Besides, you have to know how to put the verb. For example, if you wanna use the word "join", you don't need preposition like "parents join to parenting training course". Well, you might wanna evade repetition, but you are supposed to consider the context of using those words. Keep in your mind that the lexical resource is the essential point, but you don't make another hole in using improper words.

2. For your thesis statement, you directly mentioned many advantages which you mean so that you can briefly describe what you will explain in the body paragraphs. You only required underline of those.

3. Be careful of using the conjunction because that can change the meaning. Make sure what you write is what you mind. In the second sentence of the first paragraph, you should pick up the word "so that", not to present "due to". Please, double check your sentences so that you can lessen your mistakes.

4. You created the compound sentences, but you forgot to place the conjunction. Besides, you made the so long sentence in the fourth sentence of the first body. Avoid that in order to make the good flow.

5. Actually, your big problem is your position. I have not found your position clearly in the essay. It's better if you state whether you agree or disagree. Focus on the question because that influences the task response.

Hopefully, those can help you to enhance your ability
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / [IETLS writing] In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing [4]

Hi Wang Gang..
I have read your essay closely and found a few improvement you have needed. Turning to your introductory paragraph, you should remove reasons about factors causing increasing older people because it is not important in your thesis statement. It is better if you mentioned why you said that the matter has brought detrimental effects on society. Focus on your prompts given.

Honestly, I really like your explanation of the first reason in the body paragraph. However, your second reason is irrelevant to the topic. You could not say that the number of young people declines because there is a statement about the issue. Please, you concentrate on increasing elder people. Your fourth paragraph also elucidated declining the young people. Your explanation is good, but you could not meet the task responses. Pay attention to the edge of statement and question given.

For your conclusion, your way to display is enough good. You only needed sharpening your understanding about the question.
I believe you can pursue the higher score on condition that you can get the points of the question. Practice more and more.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Sport amenities as an optimal method of making the public healthier? [3]

Hi Duc. I am going to give you responds related your contents. I would not focus on your grammar.
First, you are supposed to understand the given statements well. I admit that your paraphrase is different with the original statement. That could reduce your score because it is related to task responses. In addition, your thesis statement (the last sentence of the first paragraph) has displayed that you would explain a different topic. Actually, you should concentrate on whether increasing the number of facilities is the best way or not.

For your body paragraph, you should directly show why you disagree that increasing facilities does not influence. At first glance, I thought you want to elucidate that the way works. I suggest that you directly mention and explore your idea. I meant that you show your reason and give an example in real life. Following this, please be careful of using a conjunction. There is a mistake in placing the conjunction. However, your conclusion is enough good because that could clearly represent what you explained in the body paragraph. It is simple, but you successfully paraphrase your opinion.

I believe you can write better if you wanna practice more and more..
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1: The percentage of 10-15 year-olds chatting online and playing games. [6]

Hi Moon, I will try giving you a few suggestion for finalizing your writing.
Actually, your writing is good, but you did not aware minor mistakes which can reduce your score. Firstly, your first sentence could not describe paraphrase of the statement. You wrote pronoun "it" whereas that confuse readers. Please, you avoid that mistake in the next term. It can make meaning of the paraphrase abuse. For your overview, it is good because that could cover general trend. However, you should merge between the first and second paragraph because the good paragraph consists of at least three sentences.

For your body paragraph, your grouping is good, but you did not explore your first body. That is very short. You are able to compare use of the internet which accesses for 1 to 3 hours. In addition, that is not balanced because you tended to explain about proportions of playing the games console. You could impress the examiner with exploring both matters.

I believe you can achieve the higher score if you want to expand your explanation.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Protecting architectural heritage [4]

Hi Tran Le, these my thoughts review your essay. Please, meet my notes for finalizing this.
Firstly, your introductory paragraph is good because you successfully paraphrased the statement weel. Following this, you could show your position or opinions about the issue. The thesis statement which you presented could cover what you would in the body paragraph. However, you have needed improvement in the flow of your essay. You should harness transition words for making your move smoother. Admittedly, that is very difficult, but you can achieve the higher score if you can deal with it.

For your body paragraph, you could explain your idea systematically. You could display the strong reason including examples from your personal experiences. However, the second explanation in the second body has lacked the clear illustration. I meant that the twelveth sentence has needed exploration. You had to strengthen that.

In your conclusion, you could add a suggestion for completing this paragraph. However, you successfully paraphrase your thesis statement so that you could present the conclusion related to the aforementioned explanation.

Overall, this essay is a good job. I believe you can enhance the quality of your essay on condition that you wanna practice more and more.

GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 - Sales in a college bookshop [4]

Hi Katya, I have read your writing closely and found a few mistakes which you are supposed to be fixed.
You could face a big stumbling block to achieve score more than 6 because you missed presenting one of essential elements in the writing task. I have not found your overview presenting general and interesting trend in the table. You tended to display the information of the table. I meant this sentence.

Sales data were obtained from two groups of customers, non-book club members and book club members.

Admittedly, the overview is essential because you can show to examiners that you could analyze the data given. In addition, you have presented your data safely. Its reason is that you only listed the data. I remind you that your job in the writing task 1 is to compare the figures, not to explain separately. As we can see, you avoided comparing the figures. You had to compare the figures if you wanna get the higher score. There are some relevant data which you are able to compare. In the other words, your review is unattractive. However, I believe you can improve this by observing the examples of the writing task 1. You can master this section if you wanna practice more and more. GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Practice IELTS Writing Task 2 - Benefit and Drawback of Computer Games [3]

Hello Mr Habib, in this moment I am going to offer a few suggestions for improving your essay so that you can finalize that.
First, if you wanna paraphrase the statement, you are supposed to do totally. You mentioned that advertisers state advantageous of the computer games whereas you had to show their opinion about detrimental effects. Pay attention to the statement. The prompts given ask you for arguing your opinion that the trend has advantages and disadvantages. Those two factors are unity you have to review.

For your body paragraph, please be careful of picking examples up. Your first reason in the first body has not related to the example. As we can see, you said that the computer game can raise the capacity of memories, but you can show the relevant scientific fact. Following that, I suggest you avoid the scientific fact in your real test. It is impossible you can deliver the scientific fact in that situation. It is better you present your personal experiences or information which you get in the field. On the other hand, you should strengthen your logic flow in the second body paragraph. There were a few missings in your flow.

Lastly, your thesis statement is good. If you can get the points of the statement given, you could create the good thesis statement.
Keep spirit. You only need practice more and more. GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Do the drawbacks of video games (unhealthy lifestyle, distraction from study) outweigh the benefits? [5]

Hi Yuan, I have read your essay closely and will give you a few corrections for finalizing this essay. Please, meet my notes and deal with them.

First, your paraphrase of the statement is good, but your thesis statement is weak. Its reason is that because you review what you would explain in the body paragraph. You said that this habit more negative effect, but you can present brief description. For your body paragraph, your idea is good. However, you explain deep. As we can know, this is an academic writing so that you have to prove your opinion such as showing the example. There are many ideas, but those seemed layman's opinions because it has not been strong.

Your score can be reduced because readers get difficult to understand your logic flow. In the next term, please you pay attention to your flow. I suggest you review the example of writing task 2 so that you can recognize the basic pattern of writing task 2 better. In the concluding paragraph, you successfully present the good conclusion, but you have needed for strengthening that. I believe you can master this session if you wanna practice more and more.

Happy writing, good luck

Writing Feedback / Is it possible for a country to be economically progressive while having a clean environment? [4]

Hi Maksim, I have read this essay closely. I am gonna offer you a few suggestion so that those can make this better.
Firstly, if you wanna get a higher score, you are supposed to have the meaningful thesis statement (the last sentence of the first paragraph). Not only you should show your position, but you have to give brief reasons why you stated like that. This has a function for presenting information what you would explain in the body paragraph.

For your first body paragraph, you couldn't answer the question/ prompt given. Your supporting reason was very weak so that you were not able to persuade readers for agreeing with your perspective. I have not got your logical flow. This is an essential element for being presented in order to meet the requirement. Following this, it seemed like layman's opinions. Pay attention to this factor because this related to task achievement.

Actually, you also did the same model in your second body paragraph. You seemed like directly presenting the relevant examples whereas you had to begin with the explanation/ reason why you stated. Trust me, you cannot the higher score so that you have missed the task achievement.

In this moment, I only give you these corrections. Hopefully, you can meet my notes and deal with them
GOOK LUCK for next writing

Writing Feedback / "A lot of people want to get married at later ages. Why is this trend popular ?" [5]

Hi Tram, I have read your essay closely and try to give you a few suggestions for finalizing this. Please, meet my notes so that you can deal with them in the next term.

First, you failed for impressing readers in the first glance because you made mistakes in the meaning and grammar. In the introductory paragraph, you are supposed to paraphrase the statement by using your own vocabulary in order to get a higher score in the lexical resource. For your thesis statement, you have needed strengthening your opinion. You present briefly what you would explain in the body paragraphs. I meant that you mention reasons of the issue and your view. You can display simple words to describe that.

Turning to your body paragraphs, your ideas are good. However, you had to write systematically. This is an academic writing so that you have to display well. The supporting sentences should be included in your opinion. Then, you give relevant examples. I believe you can master this section if you wanna read the examples of writing task 2. You only need the basic pattern to make your explanation more systematic.

For creating the good conclusion, you only paraphrase your thesis statement. In other words, you restate your opinion.
Hopefully, these can help you. GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - PIE CHART - AGRICULTURAL PRODUCTION [4]

Hi John, I have read your writing closely and found a few improvements you need.
Firstly, you should write that there are 4 main kinds of agricultural products in the paraphrase of the statement so that it seemed clearer. Turning to your overview in the last paragraph, you were supposed to present proper information because you could not say that in the east area, all proportions of the products are almost similar. It can be seen that we could found a huge difference of percentage.

I only remind you, John. Your job in writing task 1 is to compare figures shown, not to describe them separately. As I am concerned, you separated your paragraphs based on two areas, whereas if you wanna get a higher score, you have to compare products of agriculture. You can inform conditions of a particular product in two different areas.

Hopefully, these suggestions are able to enhance the quality of your writing. GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / TASK 1 - BAR GRAPH - ANNUAL RIDERSHIP; public transport in Williamsville [5]

Hi Mr. John.
I have reviewed your essay closely and found a few errors . Hopefully, you can improve your skill through these suggestions.

Firstly, you have to be careful of paraphrasing the statement. The meaning of passengers and rides is so different. I know that you want to show your ability in lexical resource, but we are supposed to pay attention to the meaning. For your overview, you could get the higher score. You needed making the overview more interesting. For example, "The mode of subway always used to attract most rides over the period shown".

For your grouping, you found a difficulty to obtain the high score in task achievement because you grouped your data separately. I meant that your job in the writing task 1 is to compare figures, not to describe them separately. Well, you might compared the data, but it only happened once. You should compare both modes in all paragraphs. To make it more attractive, you can separate your paragraphs based on years, 2011-2013 and 2014-2015. Lastly, in writing task 1, you do not need to write conclusion, only the overview.

Hopefully, you can meet my advice and deal with it.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: More people are moving away from an agriculture background to big cities [5]

Hi Vu, these are my thoughts for improvements of your writing. Hopefully, my suggestions can help you.
Firstly, your thesis statement to describe your mind about the solution in the first paragraph should use proper introductory sentence. It seemed that the sentence is a force done because of effects of the circumstance, whereas the prompts asks solution offers. Following this, in the second paragraph, you are supposed to show logic flow to review what you argue about the case. There is a gap when you mentioned needing time and money, and house rent price. You should associate problems and effect from transmigration. Besides, it's better that you focus on what you elucidate because you reviewed many topic in the first body paragraph, including economic sector. However, you have not explained those in depth.

Actually, your ideas in the second body paragraph is good, but you still need improvement to deliver you idea. You can get achieving the task respond if you could display you ideas systematically. For basic explanation, you are supposed to write your solution and then you include your reason why it can be successfully implicated so that you can strengthen your opinion.

I hope these can improve your writing skill. GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / Opening the novelties of efficient train services for travel across city capitals [3]

Hi Qianting, these are my thoughts about your writing. Hopefully, these can improve your writing skill.
For your introductory paragraph (the first paragraph), it is enough good, but you needed to deliver proper word to display what you think such as "the emphasis should be put..". Turning to your body paragraph, your writing missed coherence and cohesion for building your opinion there. In the first body paragraph, you mentioned that the fast trains can help to connect easily among cities, but you did not present supporting sentences to strengthen your view. Actually, the first sentence of the first paragraph showed that you would review connection, and then saving budget. However, you could not meet those systematically.

Looking at your second paragraph closely, you said that improving the public transport benefit directly, but you did not write those. It seemed as the list of idea without strong reasons. In the same case, you also the mode can control the level of the population, but you did not still present your strong opinion encouraged by logic reasons. Avoid it seemed as layman's opinion.

I hope these a few suggestion can help you to make this essay better. GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 : Material Possessions or Kindness/Trust? [5]

Hi Zeqy, I have read your writing closely and would try reviewing what you needed to improve. Please, meet my notes and deal with them.

Firstly, you potentially get penalty and your score would be reduced because your number of words is less than 250 words (241 words). You are supposed to write at least 250 words as one of essential requirements in the writing task 2. Generally, more candidates of IELTS test write between 265 and 280 words. Please, you pay attention to this problem for getting a good score. Following this, you actually misunderstood the prompts given. The first sentence is a general statement, and you are supposed to give your perspective about the opinion that honors, kindness, and trust are unimportant.

In addition, you still made minor errors in grammar. Perhaps, it is a small mistake, but you did many times, which can reduce your point in grammatical accuracy. Lastly, your example is unclear. You have to make it more obvious to strengthen your opinion.

Hopefully, my suggestion can be useful for your writing. GOOD LUCK for your test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1-The chart gives information on the percentage of British people giving money to charity [3]

Hi Ulica,I have read your writing closely and it is actually a good job. However, you forgot a few essential elements in the writing task 1.Please,you meet my suggestions so that you can create the better writing in the next term.

Firstly,it's better you merge your first and second paragraphs,so they can become the integrated unity. Besides, a good paragraph should have at leas three sentences. For your overview (the second paragraph), you successfully found an interesting trend in the table.

Apart from that,you hardly get the higher score because you work safely. I meant that you only described more listing the data.If you want to meet the task achievement, you are supposed to tend doing comparisons of the figures.I only remember you that your job in the writing task is to compare the figures relevant. Following this, hopefully you can explore more information which found in the table because the number of your words is very close to the border of the requirement. I suggest you to write between 165 and180 words.Do not write so many because the quality is more important that the quantity.

GOOD LUCK for your next writing.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: People who lived in Charlestown [3]

Hi Peter, let me show what you are supposed to improve. Please, meet my notes and deal with them.
Firstly, if you want to impress the examiner in the first paragraph, you should pick an interesting trend up to be written as an overview. For instance, "It is important to note that in both periods, elderly people aged between 60 -69 years suffer most of disproportionate weight". After that, you avoid giving your opinion. "most of people from all age categories are healthy as it indicates that". That sentence indicated that you offered the personal view. Be of careful of this because your job in this task is to describe and to compare the figures, not to conclude them. You could not conclude that if they have the ideal weight, they are healthy because many factors should be so met so that the condition happens.

Following this, there tended to describe listing the data. You have to have a bravery to compare the figures. I only remain you that one of the essential prompts is comparing description.Hopefully, my suggestions can help you. GOOD LUCK for the next writing.

Writing Feedback / A discussion has been ongoing regarding the development of roads and railways [3]

Hi Fiza, let me give a few of improving suggestions.
Actually, your writing is a good job, but you have still needed improvement especially your flow. Firstly, it is better if you merge your second and third sentences in the introduction so that you can produce the good transition and the complex sentence.

"I totally agree that railways need to be more funded because of the contribution of the mode to the nations more compared to roads".

For your body paragraph, you are supposed to check your sentences more times. Make sure that what you think is what you write. I have found that there are a few sentences different from your ideas. I guess you only deliver the words inappropriately so that changing the meaning is in your mind. In your second body paragraph, you should rearrange your sentences. You displayed your reason first before your idea, so readers get difficult to understand your idea. I suppose that your idea in the second one is the efficiency of trade cost.

For your third body, your supporting sentences are still weak. Even it presented incoherence. Honestly, you made a smart step because you separate your ideas into 3 body paragraphs.However, you have to strengthen your idea each paragraph. pay attention more to your coherence and cohesion of your essay.

Hopefully, my notes can improve your writing skill.
GOOD LUCK for your test.

Scholarship / The same proportion between boys and girls in a tertiary education for all subjects [2]

Hello Phuong, I will try giving you a few correction for improving your essay. Please, meet my notes and consider them for your enhancement.
First, be careful of picking words paraphrasing the statement give. There is a focus on teenagers and adults for students in tertiary education. Nevertheless, you place words "boys and girls". Both words describe the definition of children. It might seem a minor mistake, but maybe can become an attention of the examiner.

Then, you have presented the contrast statement. In the first paragraph especially the thesis statement, you showed that you strongly agree with the perspective,but you have not explained unlike your initial position in the body paragraph. Turning to your first body paragraph, you said that it more benefits if students are placed based on their growing ability.

Actually, your way to display your idea is a good explanation and it is served systematically. However, your review is out of your beginning point. That can obviously influence your score for coherence and cohesion. Following this, your conclusion showed different things.You are more likely to summarize comparison between benefits and disadvantages of clustering in the genders. Please, you pay attention the question because it includes the prompts which you are supposed to deal with. |

Hopefully, my suggestions are able to help you and improve the quality of yours.
GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / International Tourism and its Influence on the Destined Countries [2]

Hi Sanufal, I have read your essay closer and found a few suggestions for improving yours.
In the first paragraph, you successfully rephrase the statement and question. Following that, you have shown what you will elucidate in the body paragraph serving in the last sentence of the introductory paragraph. However, you still made minor errors grammatically. Pay attention to the subject-verb agreement especially the third singular person.

Turning to your body paragraph, you actually can deliver your idea with full explanation supported by strong sentences.However, your logic flow didn't attend well there.


Those explanations couldn't support each other. In fact, those should still relate to the first idea. You didn't review what happens if foreigners do not conceive the inhabitant rules. You offer an idea,but you were reviewing another idea. If you do continuously, your score for coherent will fall down. Keep your idea so that you present the idea and let the first become vague.

Besides, you use the same linking words many times although there are a variety of transitive words. Also, you are supposed to pick the appropriate linking words to produce move smoother.

Hopefully, my notes can help you and are always remembered for improvement next term.
GOOD LUCK