Essays / 'How you can achieve this or that..' - How to answer such essay prompts? [8]

But the problem is how do I say that UPenn business program can help me do this? I mean there are several other universities that have business, why ONLY this university? That's where I need help. Any general strong statements that are impressive?

^^^^ well, youve gotta do research.
like i know it seems like noone does it, because i actually didnt believe it either, but it actually does help.
you can go on their website and look at other things besides business you may be interested in. hint hint, if they have like, the number one debate team, you can say something like "i have an interest in debate, and upenns great debate team will allow me to 'explore' this interest more since it is the number one debate team in the country"

andd you can also take the prompt and copy and paste THE ENTIRE THING into google. see what past ple have written. this helps me A LOT. it shows me the caliber of writing and if im there yet. dont plagerize of course b.c. who does that, but it hlps you to see what the essay should look like u know?

just some ideas :)
remember, their site is there for a reason! go to it!:D

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]

Men and women in tattered clothing sporting lit cigarettes surrounded me,(this 2nd part of this sentence is a dependent clause, therefore you use a comma) faces lined and scarred.

My surprise came when Scott announced that we would be attempting to make a chicken casserole, baked beans, and steamed broccoli. I could not connect homeless people with to? (i think this word is right) this assortment of foods.

When the serving shift had started I was filled with nothing but apprehension. Interaction with the homeless was unavoidable.
Some asked for more broccolis , less chicken, and more salad etc .(using etc. in a formal essay, isnt that great). One man asked me about my Star Trek hat since he too was a fan of Star Trek fan (dont use the passive voice). In that instance I immediately gave the homeless respect for there social differences (what does this even mean? lol i think you should say this better is what im trying to say).

(...) or maybe playing the piano will enliven somebody's mood.Encouraging my differences is my goal at the University of Michigan. (you sorta alreaDY Said this in the 1st sentence >.< so you may want to end with something different. some 'food for thought' lol)

i like the essay overall though. good to see your transition. i would have never thought to write about this topic either.

good luck!

AHH!! the poster b4 me, did paraphrase that sentence. use that!!!

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

-liebe
okay, and i guess i still am closed minded. i thought even the chinese were "white" i didnt know they were considered black. i mean obviously indians are "black" but wow. thanks for teaching me!

next:

i am learning that more and more, diverse is a broad word (i think you actually told me htat in one of my essays you tore apart)

but anyways...

apart from my LIFE LESSONS and onto my ESSAY lol

so i combined the ideas of you and sean. with the revisions you made, i was able to stay within the word count, while adding in one of the questions i asked.

i think ive made a pretty decent short answer essay. (its probably because ive had so much time away from essay writingg, so now i can get back to this again grrr lol)

butt yea it was hard to say what i learnd from their responses i must admit so i just sorta left it at the question. >.<

thanks a lot!! i noticed i had lots of unnessesary s*it in there lol

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

I KNOWW!!! this essay has been kicking my ass!! its soo hardd to writeee >.<
i hate ittttt :(

sighh. i cant find inspiration from anywhere. ive tried everythinggg. like walking away for days and coming back. its only like 2 paragraphs too and its still hardd

idk waht to doooo -.-


i meant to write culture shows. not talent shows

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

i mean yeaa, okayy how can i say this without being offensiveee....
okay i go to school with like 62% azns so here goes lol

well i know that chinese have that whole yellow thing going so i thought they were like white. simple as that. butt that makes sense. theyre not as white as such so yeaa. ttly makes sense how u put it.

the whole race/nationality thing sucks. it rly does.
its like, noone is really biracial. everyone is really biethnic. (unless ur mulatto) O WELLS

and yes. uchicago essay :P

Undergraduate / "Desire for a particular kind of learning" - University of Chicago [20]

yea, i considered taking it off my list.
i just have all the other essays done. and there like perfect in my opinion and in my teachers opinion (well not perfect, but in my voice, and i cant post it here b.c. its on another site)

so it would have been a waste to do it all.

i will keep perfecting this and just hope for the best. :(

Undergraduate / 'blind to many of the things' - someone who has made an impact on my life [18]

the thing i wanted to bring to ur attention is the belt thing. it may not be wise for u to mention it as a way that ur dad has made u a better person b.c. i think its like debated that getting a "beaten" doesnt rly help children learn. its a one time thing. what helps them more is taking things away. ]

so you may wanna take that part out of ur essay. just a suggestion :)

Undergraduate / 'blind to many of the things' - someone who has made an impact on my life [18]

well, one key thing about these essays is that although the prompt says "someone that influences you" they really dont care to know about the person and they still want to know about you.

i do not feel as if you have told enough about yourself. maybe, for example, if you can expand on the baseball thing. talk about how terrible you were and how your dad helped you. make sure you manage to focus on YOU.

i feel as if by the end of these essays, colleges want to find out something about you. i dont feel as if youve done that. uve just told us a lot about your dad only. DONT FALL FOR THE TRICK!

good luck!

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]


^^ word xD
then admission people will say "rejecteddddd" :P

Undergraduate / 'Im a nole - SMARTER AND SURER' - FSU ESSAY [11]

why dont u take out that whole 2nd sentence i think it is? about ur parents and stuff. if u need to edit, id say edit that part out.

i see what ur trying to do, but i read somewhere that the essay cant hurt u so badly if ur already good enuff for the school anyways. ur scores seem like ur gonna get in.

but the essay will help ple get in, if there on the edge. i dont think ull be on the edge. i know ur trying to guarantee urself in, but i do think that you should take that part in. theyll know ur a legacy from ur app.

to delete words, delete that part :D

I am not a fan of Latin mottos, but I do believe mottos can provide guidance for our lives.
^^ maybe this part too.


^^ yea!

good luck man!

Undergraduate / How you gained respect for social differences (University of Michigan) [15]


^^ dude maybe she had to do it for like school!

is that the case? i mean maybe u should clarify this in your story though. it is a bit controversial. ple reading would say "if u thought they were hopeless, whyd u do it"

i actually did say that now that i think of it...lol.

i still like ur essay though!

Undergraduate / "A likable person" - Boston University Supplement Essay [11]

^^ yup and think "does this suck? or does it suck not so much?"

trust me, whenever i do that, i find that my stuff usu. isnt too great.
LOTSS OF REWRITES overhear >.<

anyways, dump the 1st paragraph. esp b.c. i disagree. ple will remember what closes u where.
im sorry but its true. they will remember ur personality and clothes and car. i do pageants and i usu. can remember the dresses girls wore from like 2000. but i can also remember the girls that had nasty attitudes as well. its just human nature!

also, you need to tell more about how those attributes will help u in the BU community. i read somewhere that if a college asks u that question specifically, the essay should be about 1/3 of that.

im guessing once u condense ur sentences and take out that 1st paragraph, ull be all set.

GOOD LUCK! :D

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

WOW! how do u guys know all of this stuff.
i go to a pretty actually VERY good school in new york (specialized school) and they dont tell us these things.

Undergraduate / An Undergraduate UF Essay (influance from my brother). Criticism and opinions. [4]

:D their like in cahoots :P

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]


^^ omg ur so write!! i bet my hispanic friends (the mexican ones and puertiricans) would be so shocked to hear their rly "black" (race wise i mean) lol. :p

Undergraduate / "people should "stick with their own kind" - University of Michigan essay [26]

right, but i thought that ple from argentina and columbia were considered whitee >.<

yeaaa i completely understand that race is like black and white and then ethnicity is like: hispanic, african american, greek, korean...

of course, not all hispanics are like black and not all are white. i ttly understand this. i remember in my spanish class my friends and i discussed this...

its all so confusingg lol

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]


^^ you do know it is almost impossible for teachers to get fired :P


^^ yup. maybe use this:
I'll never forget the next day when I showed her the opposition of what she had said the day before, her response was that CNN was biased and was not a reliable resource. She only read information from MBC or it had to be from a government website. In addition, for three days we held a classroom debate, where the class was separated between democrats and republicans. I was on the democratic side with two other classmates; my history teacher sat across from me with the republicans. If I had mistaken her as biased before, it was definitely clear now

and then after then use this as an example to talk about u and how ur character managed to tackle this :D

good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]


^^ thats good.
forget my last post. yea the last idea was good, but this idea is GREAT! take an example of a time in the classroom when the teacher was biased. combine it with how EVERYONE (use hyperbole) was against u or however u need to put it, and then end it with what u got from it.

simone, thats good. lol.

Undergraduate / "From China to America" - UCF admission essay [11]

i must say, llama makes valid points in everyway.

ur english is pretty good to say you came here not to long ago, YET, it makes sense to go wiht another topic. lots of people are going to grab this one. this is a little trite.

plus something llama didnt mention, this is also pretty short and i didnt feel like i learned anything as well. i feel as if i could predict what was to come which bascially means the story was less interesting than it can be and shows no character (you) progression.

good luck!

Undergraduate / "My dream America" - common app essay draft.. [5]

whats the prompt ur answerng?

Undergraduate / working with children - UF ESSAY; situation which ignited something inside of me [4]

i think its a very well written and good essay.

a few points:
i feel you should, in the last paragraph, talk a little more about yourself.

yea i thouhgt i had more to write, but after rereading, and reading simones, comment, i dont! lol.
its a really good story :)

Undergraduate / "how the brain and mind function" - Evaluate a significant experience, & impact. [8]


this really is a great opening sentence.

i like it a lott :D

Scholarship / MSU Personal Statement and Scholarship Essay [4]


remember, to spell out all numbers until they get to three digits or mas!

and in the 1st essay, i think you should mix up your sentence types. seems as if all your working with now in the first few sentences are simple sentences!

good luck!!

Undergraduate / "From China to America" - UCF admission essay [11]

^^ i think what minixiao is asking is (and im paraphrasing): "how do i make an essay that is 'in depth'? how do i get to that point?"

well i personally think bullet points ALWYAS help believe it or not. its good to list some important facts you wnat to be known in your essay and then take it from there. then once you have the "deep" parts, you have to make sure to develope them. you also want to make sure not to include all of them sometimes but just the good ones so that the essay can be very specific. once you have a specific essay, you will have a very in depth essay.

:)

Undergraduate / 'blind to many of the things' - someone who has made an impact on my life [18]

^^ you def. didnt stray off, you just helped took our replys and broke them down one by one. like you always do :D

NORIS!!! are u gonna do a rewrite soon???

Undergraduate / "around my family" - university of central florida essay #2 [5]

I'm around my family way more than I probably should be, but I don't really see that as a bad thing because they have made me who I am, which is a compassionate, trustful, fun-loving person who will always be there for anybody I know, and a person who doesn't give up on much.

^^ yes, sentence is way to long and too casual. + i would like you to start off your essay with something else.

I love my family and being around them because there's the feeling of security and familiarness that you don't get from everywhere else. Plus the support my family gives me that makes me feel as though I can do anything I dream of. From being around my family I've learned that everything happens for a reason, and no matter how hard something is you have to try your hardest cause other- wise there's no point in doing it at all. <--- if your going to say this, it would be nice to have an exAMPle of some sort of a time when this has happened.

They have also given me the courage to try and be a teacher which has been a dream of ever since I can remember. At first i thought they were gonna oppose my decision becuase most of them are barbers and i was thinking they all wanted me to go to cosmotology school but they all were incredibly supportive, which has given me even more courage to try and obtain my goals. <-- you ended on a weak and cliche note. "obtain my goals" is what i mean. i see what you're saying about the barbers thing, so maybe you should expand on that idea?

i know its a word limit, probably 250 words, but im guessing, you should take one of these examples, and make one extended example out of it? that way it can be SUPER specific and SUPER good. as of now it seems like your trying to get a lot of ideas in there and it doesnt seem to be as specific. Plus i dont at all see really how they have influenced who you are :(

im sorry.

good luck!! :D

Undergraduate / "what do you want to be when you grow up?" - UM-Flint Essay [18]

-scofield

i suggest you get in touch with liebe, simone or sean.

they're great for those things and simone and liebe i know for sure arent applying 2014. sean, im not too sure, but im thinking not.

good luck!

Undergraduate / "love the game of baseball" - Issue of importance [4]


^ i dont usually disagree with you like ever lol, but this is a point where im going to have to step up.

there is NO rule that says you cannot start a sentence with but. its just in our minds that its not proper. i took ap english langugae (didnt do too well on the exam) but nevertheless, if done well, it sounds good and "stylistic"

i didnt read it, but as long as it sounds good here, noris totally can start a sentence with but.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay #1/Skating [6]


^^ i think she mentioned her b.c. everyone knows michelle lol (or almost everyone)

she can say kristina yamagucci! (yea i butchered the last name. i know ) lol
:D

Undergraduate / Food & Culture (University of Michigan) [20]


^^ yea! ive met all of those ethnic groups too. in fact i go to school with them and a whole lot of others.
i actually think a lot of ple applying there will have met ple from all over. i mean look at the topic of the essay. most ple will probabaly write about something like this.

not at all am i trying to take away from wahat tiantian12 has written about or done, but a lot of ple have had similar experiences in meeting lots of different cultures.

maybe, you should talk about how each food represented something different or something,a dn each food represetned diversity.
idk.

my friend got into NYU just this past year and he wrote an essay on his sweatshirts, and how he has lots of different ones, different colors and how each of them represents diversity because of this. dude, be creative.

good luck!

Undergraduate / "how we manage these imperfections" - Umich setback essay [18]


^^ should be my brothers and me :)

Undergraduate / "Wildfires in Texas" - admission essay for UT [6]

this essay is very good.
at first i thought o boyy, heres another essay beginning with descrpition, but then i read on and then you contrasted the two and stuff.

it was great.

conclusion is like... thouhg. but i mean you know that.

Undergraduate / Should I include names in my essay? [7]

i like it!
butt heres some things you may want to consider
if your doing the common app online, im not too sure if you can use the hypens or dashes w.e. its called. and if so, you MUST finish it off. you didnt here.


this should be: however-they are low in sugar-they are a healthy option...
(because once you close off the dash you have to make sure the however and the other part makes a complete sentence)
obviously this is a little awkward so i think you should consider rewriiting this sentence.

and then im sure you know that your second paragraph is a little shaky, but its still very good. i rly like what you do :) VERY unique.


^^ the 2nd paragraph ws great, but you should end it with someting better than this

good luck! :D

Undergraduate / an internship in the surgery department - common app short answer. [8]

well, lets be honest, so many people do these internships and hospital volunteer things that i wanted to be a little different and give the reader something different to look at. it must be boring reading something like this:

this summer i was able to do an intership at a hospital! i gained the EXPERIENCE OF A LIFETIME helping people feel better and helping physical therepist with their patients. Not only did i bring hot packs to them, but i also even got a taste of what it was like to be an actual therepist as i told some of the people their workouts. my summer in the hospital couldnt get any better than that!

^^ COME ON >.< i figured if i told of the mixup it would give me some more "depth" and make it seem like not just another happy go lucky volunteer story.

idk just a thought. but if it is that bad, i guess ill change it :P

andd, i agree the ending was a little random... i just sorta didnt know what else to put. i will continue to work it out i guess.

to liebe, helping the patients mainly.
your right, it does need more depth.

Undergraduate / Sibling Rivalry/Cross-Country - UF Admission Essay [6]

LOVE the opening :)


^^ i run cross country too, and while i know how bad this is, the reader WILL not know. TRUST me. theyll think, 2 miles in 30 mins? i cant do that. thats GREAT! you should probably tell "while the fastest girl runs it in seventeen minuntes" or something. (although i think there prolly faster. thats about a 2.5 time lol)

but anways, to make your them rly see your growth, you really should put somehting like that. :D

good luck!

Undergraduate / "Good morning, visitors!" [10]

because were high schoolers. we ALWAYS think our work sucks. :P

Undergraduate / "Good morning, visitors!" [10]


lol :D this is funny. i know for me, im like an overachiever so i always think my things are crap :(

like i got an 85 on a couple of regents (big exams to see how well u know the subjects its a NYstate exam) and i was all OMGG my grade sucks. im SO retaking. and i did.

but thats just me. its something im trying to fix b.c. its like me putting pressure on myself for no reason.

i think were all crazy high schoolers putting up with unfair pressure of SATS and stuff :(

Undergraduate / UT austin personal essay A, but to write about family is little cliche.. [8]

wells, since you and i arent applying to the same school, (remeber this is only a suggestion!!)

my personal favorite is writing an essay about someone in your career profession. maybe like the first female (if your a girl) or the first male (if your a guy)

like if you wanna be a pastry chef, maybe write about the first pastry chef and hows she/hes impacted you.

its a pretty good idea i think. i wrote an essay like that (it in this forum somewhere lol)
:P

good luck!!

Undergraduate / Fireflies - "Significant experience" essay [14]


^^ your ending is amazing.

i love it! i really do. its like something i have read in 50 essays or something. your an amazing writer.

great topic and everything. with some polishing (ple on this forum will tell you gramatical errors. i dont b.c. i dont wanna screw things up lol) this is a GREAT essay.

GOOD JOB!!