Hiddengrace
Feb 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / The development of people's perception of living in society results in the changes of managing money [10]
Hi Menglu! You seem to have a pretty good command over the English language. Your essay is a bit verbose, especially your first sentence. It even took me, a native English speaker, a few reads of that sentence to figure out what you meant. Is there a way you can simplify it a bit more? I'm not even sure what you mean by premature worldview, even after reading the paragraph that supposedly explains it. I assumed you meant an immature world view- being to young to understand the meaning of managing money, but I'm not even sure that's what you mean after reading your essay. Do you mean they will be taking on serious responsibilities too soon?
Also, I'm not sure irreasonability is the right word there; in fact, I'm not even sure that's a word at all! Maybe you mean irresponsibility? Irresponsibility means not showing maturity, good judgement, or being trusted to make the right decisions. Irreasonability sounds like it might mean the inability to reason? I'm not sure what you are going for there.
As far as the questions you've asked:
1. I've never heard "in the society" unless you are saying a specific society. Like, "in the aboriginal society," etc... If you mean the general society, you can say simply "in society".
2. When and while are interchangeable in general speech, at least in my experience. While generally expresses duration. So if it's something that happens over a long period of time, you would use while. If it's something that has a short time period, when is used. But that's not a hard and fast rule. Perhaps an internet search to look at various opinions might be helpful?
3. "By contrast" is okay, but it's awkward. What is generally used, in my experience, is "in contrast." This does not have to relate to color. Take this quote, for example "In contrast to logic or reason, a story is about emotion that gets staged over a sequence of dramatic moments, so you empathize with the characters without really thinking about it too much." You could also say conversely or contrarily, which mean the same thing. But "in contrast" is perfectly fine. :)
4. I'd say "That" is generally more appropriate than "because" in that instance. But it's also okay to say "xx happened because of yy." In that case, it's perfectly okay to use "because" as it's linked to the verb "happened."
5. I've never heard of "at young age" being correct. I'd say it's "at a young age". But with a google search, it looks like "at young age" might be correct as well.
I've also never heard of "suppose to." I would have said "supposed to" is perfectly correct. But I guess that's what happens when you have different people from all over the world, each having learned different grammar rules. I'm just trying to give my opinion on what is correct. :) Take care!
Hi Menglu! You seem to have a pretty good command over the English language. Your essay is a bit verbose, especially your first sentence. It even took me, a native English speaker, a few reads of that sentence to figure out what you meant. Is there a way you can simplify it a bit more? I'm not even sure what you mean by premature worldview, even after reading the paragraph that supposedly explains it. I assumed you meant an immature world view- being to young to understand the meaning of managing money, but I'm not even sure that's what you mean after reading your essay. Do you mean they will be taking on serious responsibilities too soon?
Also, I'm not sure irreasonability is the right word there; in fact, I'm not even sure that's a word at all! Maybe you mean irresponsibility? Irresponsibility means not showing maturity, good judgement, or being trusted to make the right decisions. Irreasonability sounds like it might mean the inability to reason? I'm not sure what you are going for there.
As far as the questions you've asked:
1. I've never heard "in the society" unless you are saying a specific society. Like, "in the aboriginal society," etc... If you mean the general society, you can say simply "in society".
2. When and while are interchangeable in general speech, at least in my experience. While generally expresses duration. So if it's something that happens over a long period of time, you would use while. If it's something that has a short time period, when is used. But that's not a hard and fast rule. Perhaps an internet search to look at various opinions might be helpful?
3. "By contrast" is okay, but it's awkward. What is generally used, in my experience, is "in contrast." This does not have to relate to color. Take this quote, for example "In contrast to logic or reason, a story is about emotion that gets staged over a sequence of dramatic moments, so you empathize with the characters without really thinking about it too much." You could also say conversely or contrarily, which mean the same thing. But "in contrast" is perfectly fine. :)
4. I'd say "That" is generally more appropriate than "because" in that instance. But it's also okay to say "xx happened because of yy." In that case, it's perfectly okay to use "because" as it's linked to the verb "happened."
5. I've never heard of "at young age" being correct. I'd say it's "at a young age". But with a google search, it looks like "at young age" might be correct as well.
I've also never heard of "suppose to." I would have said "supposed to" is perfectly correct. But I guess that's what happens when you have different people from all over the world, each having learned different grammar rules. I'm just trying to give my opinion on what is correct. :) Take care!