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Posts by bastian20
Name: Sebastian Herman
Joined: Apr 1, 2016
Last Post: Apr 9, 2016
Threads: 10
Posts: 16  
From: Indonesia
School: Tazkia University

Displayed posts: 26
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bastian20   
Apr 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Lack of local people visitors to museum [2]

TASK 2.
Many museums and historical sites are mainly visited by tourists rather than local people.
Why is this?
What can be done to encourage local people to visit museums and historical site?


Historical places and museums are sites which cannot be separated from society. Yet, the number of local people is less than tourists to visit those destinations. I personally think that there is a main factor which influences this phenomenon and the authority of the historical buildings should overcome this problem by applying attractive advertising.

The main reason why historical sites are not attractive for people living around these places is since those often find the artificial equipment which is provided by museums. For example, traditional weapon and conventional dress, local people still utilize them at the moment. Therefore, they are not interested to visit museums or historical places. All in all, the number of visitors coming from surroundings is less than tourists from abroad.

However, there is an effective method which can be applied by museum authorities in order to tempt flock living around these places to visit. Those can give discount in cost entrance for local society. This is because people will think twice when the fee to enter historical sites is expensive, even near from their accommodations. Taking council of museum in Greece as an example, by 2009, they had reduced the price of entering museum roughly 50% for Greek. As a result, the number of local tourists increased significantly at a quarter in that year. Hence, reducing the price of museums' ticket will fascinate tourists, particularly local people.

To sum up, it evident that, museums are not favorite place to visit for local dwellers. Yet, I firmly argue that the official of those buildings can provide affordable price to them in order to raise the level of tourists from local. I suggest to them to apply this highly recommended program.
bastian20   
Apr 9, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: (Chart) Information about global population and distribution of Wealth [2]

Hello Dian, you wrote this writing well-organize. I personally think that you have included all of the main features of this bar chart. It is extremely crucial part of IELTS writing assessment. On the other hand, in order to increase you score, you not only answer the task response, but also you should variate your sentences. I believe, if you do this, your band will accomplish high score. In addition, you also can use fraction, qualifier, proportion to variate your word in percentage.

for example, you can alter 1% , or 34% , 30% and, 15%

1%

by 'a very small number'

16%

by less than a fifth.

30%

by less than a third

34%

by more than a third

I hope my suggestion will support you in order to increase your score. Good Luck and I am waiting for your next writing. Thank you.
bastian20   
Apr 8, 2016
Writing Feedback / The level of viewers for Channel One News over a 12-month period [2]

TASK 1
The graph below shows the average daily figures for Channel One News over a 12-month period


A breakdown of information about the number of viewers on channel one news during January to December based on displaying time is revealed in the line chart. It is measured in the millions. Overall, it can be seen that, despite some fluctuations, the level of people watching this program at 6 pm is the highest of other schedules.

There are up and down trends in the figure for viewers of this channel at 6 pm and 11 pm. In January, the number of audiences at 6 pm begins at approximately 5 million people, as the highest, whereas the level of inhabitants views this station at 11 pm at roughly 1.2 million. In the end of the period, December witnesses a slightly increase in the figure for viewer at 11 pm to 1.3 million, while there is a significant decline in the number of spectator on morning to 3.2 million people.

Turning to the number of viewers at 9:30 pm and 1 pm, the number of people watching at 9:30 pm start at 3.2 million people, the news program in this channel at 11 pm is already introduced on May. Augustus experiences a large gap in both schedules. While the level of audiences at 11 pm inclines sharply at 4 million, the figure for its opposite decreases dramatically to 1 million people. However, in December, the level of viewers hits a trough off under 1 million inhabitants.



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bastian20   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / Resources of Electricity Production in Germany [3]

TASK 1.
Electricity generation by source in Germany

A breakdown of information about electricity production based on its resources in Germany between 1980 and 2010 is revealed in the pie chart. It is measured in units. Overall, it can be seen that, exception petroleum, the usage of other four sources was fairly similar in 1980, while nuclear dominated energy in another period.

There were two resources which had highly changes. By 1980, nuclear energy had 20 units power plant, while there had been a significant increase in the number of electricity production in this power in 2010 at 155 units. In contrast to this, the figure for natural gas, in 1980, stood 28 units, whereas 2010 saw a dramatic decrease in the level of this resource at 2 units.

Turning to coal, petroleum and hydro, these powers were fairly similar trends in both periods. In 1980, natural gas and coal had equal level at 28 units. Then, while the proportion of natural gas declined sharply to 2 units, 2010 witnessed same proportion in the figure for coal. Besides, the number of hydro dropped to 2 units. Astonishingly, the figure for total of these energies inclined twofold from 107 units to 214 units.



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bastian20   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / Living lonely between advantage and disadvantage [3]

TASK 2
In recent times, many people are making the decision to live alone.
What are the causes of this?
Does it have positive or negatives effects on society?


In this modern era, while ordinary people live together with their relatives or partners, fractional of them have a tendency to live alone. Business in the workplace and bad experience in the past become main reason why people prefer to live lonely. However, I personally argue that this phenomenon has two sides both positive and negative.

There are two principal factors which affect people to stay without life companion. The first reason is that they want to attain high position in the career. Those believe that living without family makes them to focus on their target. Besides, another cause why people take into account to survive lonely is that they experienced unpleasant moment when they lived with partners. Hence, they decide to spend their rest of live alone.

With regards to the effect of this condition both positive and negative sides the benefit is that those mobilise all of their time and resources to reach their dream. They do not have any responsible to feed the member of family. Therefore, they can accomplish their aim effectively. Yet, this situation also has detrimental impact. If numerous people live lonely without wife, the population of human will decrease significantly. As a result, it will lead to economic crisis due to lack of demand toward goods and services.

To sum up, it is evident that there are several causes of living without companion amidst some citizens, while it has also between advantage and disadvantage. In my point of view, people can determine which one the best choice for them, whatever lonely or establishing a family. However, I suggest to people to spend the rest of their life with someone he love.
bastian20   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / Business & money - recruiting workers important for a company (ielts task 2) [5]

Hi Avini, I have read your writing IELTS task 2, I personally view that you wrote well-organize. Also, it is extremely few repetitive words. It can increase your band score, especially in lexical resource. Besides, although there are some grammatical errors, I think that it is acceptable. On the other hand, I would suggest you to take about simple matter such capital word. It is also very crucial in IELTS and reduce your score. Let me check your mistake about that.

it is good to

you should concern on using capital letter. Even though it is small mistake, you have to avoid small mistake.

but Once

it will be better you alter 'but' with 'yet'. This is because it is informal.

i believe that a st

In English, word 'I' must be written by capital letter.

thus, employers

Good luck Avini, I am waiting for your next writing. Thank you
bastian20   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Walking is known to be beneficial for health but not many people are walking today [3]

Hello Adrian, actually, you wrote this writing IELTS task 1 quite good. You use one idea brainstorming in order to develop your paragraph. On the other hand, there are some grammatical errors that you have done particularly in introduction paragraph. Henceforth, it can reduce your band score. Let me give you some suggestions in order to correct your grammatical errors. I hope these suggestions can be useful for increasing your writing skill. Good Luck.

a smaller number of people people want to walk to reach their destination

I reckon that this sentence is type error since there are two repetitive words. Even though it is human error, you should concern about it. Moreover in real test IELTS.

This phenomena happens because

you should use Phenomenon, because phenomena is plural.

facility transport

transport facilities

a great number of transport facilities give negative impact

gives
bastian20   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / Types of railway transportation used commonly in four countries in 2007. [3]

Hi Dina, your writing task 1 is quite good. In my opinion you have included the main features of table. Besides, there is very few grammatical error. On the other hand, I would suggest you that every paragraph consists of three sentences. Yet, in introduction paragraph, you only use two sentences. it can reduce your band score. Let me paraphrase your introduction paragraph in order to give you alternative. I hope it can useful to improve your writing skill, thank you. Good luck

The given table illustrates about kind of railway transportation in ...

A breakdown of information regarding the number of passenger, distance taken on by people and cargo carried by rail transport in four different nations in 2007 is illustrated in the table. particularly in cargo, it measured in tons. Overall, it was imperative that Japan had the first rank in numerous people used the rail and US is the best in cargoes carried than the other countries.
bastian20   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1; a traveler who visited Brighton attractions - did he get bored there? [2]

Hello Wahyu, You wrote this task 1 quite good. I personally reckon that you have included essential part of the figure where it is extremely crucial that you can attain high score for task respond. On the other hand, you should increase other assessment such as lexical resources, reducing grammatical error, range and accuracy and coherence and cohesion.

for lexical resources, you should avoid repetitive word such as respectively and stood at. You can alter 'respectively' by successively and 'stood at' by began.

pier stood at approximately24% and 10% respectively

festival stood at 22% and 30% respectively in 1980

for grammatical error

proportions of traveler

without 's' proportion

for coherence and cohesion, you should add 'then, afterward, etc'
bastian20   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / Empowering the societies with the most effective-functional policies to maintain their advance [5]

Hello Behieli, to be honesty, readers will confuse to differ your paragraph. Actually, you organize your notion outstandingly. However, you should take into account dividing paragraph. I personally argue that it is extremely crucial. This is because it will determine your band score. In addition, you should reduce for using same word in one paragraph, indeed in one sentence.

A stable progressive economy system ensures its citizens to function properly and ensures them to investigate on local industries.

just utilize this word once

However, there should be enough encouragement to compete and gain the privileges of higher educational and social grades for young generations.

it will be better use word "adequate" since this word has advanced class and will improve your score. I hope this feedback will be valuable for your writing in the future.
bastian20   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: THE PEOPLE GET GOOD JOB BY EDUCATION [5]

Hello bro, actually you wrote this writing task 2 quite well. Besides, the readers can understand your idea easily. You utilize single idea brainstorming in your first and second body paragraphs and use scientific fact both bodies. However, I am to suggest you that one paragraph should consist of minimum three sentences. Yet, in your introduction is only two sentences, also in conclusion. You should add your recommendation or fear or suggestion in your conclusion. Let me give you alternative.

In conclusion, the perfect job can be real if the children finish the study in college however, the background of job story still important. I believe that they get the best job when the people try and do not give up

I suggest that youngsters should continue their education to higher level.
bastian20   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / A breakdown of information about holiday maker percentage visiting England in Brighton; 1980 to 2010 [3]

A breakdown of information about holiday maker percentage visiting England in Brighton from 1980 to 2010 as projected year is illustrated in the line graph. Overall, it can be seen that, despite some fluctuation, over the period as a whole the levels of tourists rose in Pavilion, Pier, Festival, exception being Art Gallery.

In 1980, the percentage of festival visitors stood at 30%, which the highest of three others attractions, while Pier as a lowest by one in ten. When there were gradual rise in level of visitors in Art Gallery, Pavilion, and Pier, but tourist festival decreased slightly. However, 1995 saw a striking different among all of attractions, the proportion of pavilion visitors increased dramatically whereas others remained stable. Yet, by 2000, once three attractions had had moderate changes, there had been a significant fall in the percentage of pavilion.

Less change was seen in remaining of four attractions between 2000 and 2010. Pavilion has the highest proportion and the lowest was art gallery, while pier and festival existed between both of them.



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bastian20   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / The cause of lack of information for children at school ( TASK 2) [3]

Nowadays, fully concentration in attending the class is extremely arduous for many students. There are two possible factors both inside and outside which give rise to this problem. I personally argue that school institution and parents should address this issue.

Two reasons bringing about children who are not able to pay attention in the learning room are inside factor and outside factor. Firstly, inside factor is which comes from those children selves. This is because they are lack of nutrition. This condition will lead to less concentration in the class. Secondly, outside factor is consideration caused by others. For example, some students do not play sophisticated item at the class when their educator is explaining the lesson. This phenomenon is occurred in various schools.

With regards to the solution of this matter, in my point of view, there are two parties who have to be involved to overcome it. Initially, parents should provide nutritious meal for their children at home since it will determine their concentration in the class or, at least, offer breakfast. Ultimately, education institution should take into account about this problem by formulating rule which ban student to bring mobile phone into the school. Aftermath, they will be more concentrated to listen the subject.

Therefore, it is clear that the problem caused by inside and outside reasons. However, parents and schools should share collective responsibility to deal with it. I firmly believe that if the solutions which are sated in this article will tackle this issue effectively.
bastian20   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / IElTS writing topic: should rich countries share their wealth with poor? [3]

I do apologize that my previous feedback (deleted) was too short due to I experienced an internet connection problem. Here is my full feedback towards your essay:

Obviously, you wrote this task quite well and less grammatical errors. However, you should organize excellently. This is because readers are not able to differ your paragraph. Definitely, one paragraph should consist of minimum three sentences. If you do not do this, I am afraid your overall band score in writing will deducted extensively by the examiner. I hope that my feedback will be valuable for your future enhancement. Good luck.
bastian20   
Apr 6, 2016
Writing Feedback / 2002-2011 timeframe VHS and DVD's. The number of sales and rentals of films in a store. [2]

Hello Angga, you wrote this task well-integrated. I also personally think that the range of your vocabularies is wide. It is evident that you do not use repetitive words in one paragraph. Even though there are some grammatical errors, it is acceptable. Let me give you suggestion to variate your sentences by using past perfect.

The figures of rented films and VHS sales experienced downward trends and no more VHSs were sold in 2006

By 2006, the figures for rented films and VHS sales had witnessed downward trends and no more VHSs had been sold.
bastian20   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / The statistics data about cinema visitors based on different age groups in the United Kingdom [2]

A breakdown of information about visitors in cinema based on age groups in the United Kingdom per five years from 1990 to 2010 as a projected year is illustrated in the line chart. The data is shown in per cent. Overall, it can be seen that despite some fluctuations, over the period as a whole the levels of viewers rose in four age groups.

Aged 44-45 and 34-44 was the two highest percentages. Over the end of period they showed at fairly similar level. By 1990, they had nearly proportion between 37% and 35% respectively. There were slight decline in 2000 for both categories. However, form 2005 and 2010, the percentage of two age group increased significantly in order to end up at more than half for aged 44-54 and 33% for aged 34-44.

Turning to other categories, also, aged 14-24 and 24-34 had almost same trend. The proportion of people watching movie in the first categories stood at 15 as the lowest percentage, while another was up one in ten. During 1995 to 2005 witnessed a similar fluctuation. Finally, they remained stable until the end of the period at 3more than a third and a fifth successively.



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bastian20   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / To solve the fear of crime problem. What official has done is not sufficient to restrict it. [2]

TASK 2.
Many people are too scared to leave their home because of a fear of crime.
Some people think that more should be done to prevent crime, whereas others feel that nothing can be done.
What are your views?


In some metropolises, dwellers fear to consume a lot of time outside their accommodation due to apprehension of crime. Some people argue that what official has done is sufficient to restrict it. However, others have different perspective, it is useless. I think that there two additional policies which can be conducted by government to overcome this issue.

With regards to inhabitants think that the even though authority carry out many mechanisms to solve to this problem, they are pointless. This is because virtually mafias work together with some individuals of police. Based on what Misha Glenny showed on Ted Talks, underground criminal organisations can distribute illegal drugs without restriction since some people in authorities back up their business. Aftermath, the number of crime increases significantly. Hence, whatever roles government will formulate, they cannot reduce this detrimental activities.

On the other hand, others still believe that council can deal with this phenomenon. There two possible policies which can be done by council to tackle. Firstly, they should cut off the supply chain of the connection between mafias and violated civil servants. If this method can be conducted well, it can push the figure for crime dramatically. Furthermore, government have to incline the quality of education since the main factor of criminal action is educational deficiency, despite this policy has indirect impact.

To sum up, it evident that obviously, we can handle this condition by providing some solution. I say that two potential methods which are offered are able to overcome it. I recommend to authority to apply them in order to give safe feeling to public.
bastian20   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Discuss the causes of rising unemployment among young adults and give some solutions. [3]

Hello Suxiaojing, it is well-integrated article which has been developed hard. Your idea is convenience to be understood. Besides these, there are extremely grammatical mistakes. However, I suggest you to make sure your sentence in the second paragraph. It is too long sentence. You can divide this to become two sentence.

For instance:
To begin with , due to globalization and economic prosperity, some departments ... Aftermath , tremendous universities and educational institutions establish and arrange relevant curriculum and ...
bastian20   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TEST 2: How people will become happy with money or another factor [4]

Hello Anaguna, in my opinion you have written this task quite well since the readers can understand your passage easily. In addition, you should reduce your grammatical error in order to achieve better score. I would suggest you to add your recommendation or fear or suggestion in the conclusion paragraph. This is because one paragraph consist of three sentences minimally. Let me show my recommendation based on your idea.

For instance :
To sum up, although the money can control the happiness in virtual people, I believe that it do not influence the happiness of people who enjoy the time with family and the time of life. Therefore I would suggest for busy workers to provide pastime for their relatives.
bastian20   
Apr 4, 2016
Writing Feedback / Business and money; big budgets for marketing and promoting. [4]

Hello Avini, your writing is well-organised. Even though there is grammatical error, it is extremely rare. Also, you wrote this task by large various lexical resources. In my opinion, at least you can accomplish high band. I reckon that it is 6.5 till 7. However, let me paraphrase your introduction based on your idea.

The almost of Multinational Companies allocate a large number of budget to promote their goods and services. The main aim is to persuade inhabitants to purchase their products. Aftermath, small enterprises cannot compete them due to fund deficiencies. It becomes alarm for their business life.
bastian20   
Apr 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Several people tend to build a personal business rather than being an employee for a firm or group [3]

Hello Yunda, actually your essay is quite good. Yet, your introduction is not too much. In my opinion, it is less. you should develop your idea longer.

Let me paraphrase your introduction.

These days, some inhabitants want to be entrepreneurs rather than labors for a factory or company. Despite there are some merits and demerits of working in own business, I argue that the advantages outstrip the disadvantages.
bastian20   
Apr 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / How to make public places free from the cigarette smoke? [2]

Smoking not only harms the smoker, but also those who are nearby. Therefore, smoking should be banned in public places.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Recently, scientific studies show that consuming cigarette has detrimental effect not only for smoker, but also threaten for surroundings. Hence, some people argue that they should be forbidden to smoke in front of public. However, I firmly argue that this harmful activity has to be banned to conduct in common area.

With regard to people believing that we cannot ask the active smoker to go out from building or keep away from public spot. This is because they also have right to carry out what they want to do. Sometimes some people smoking said, they cannot do their job well without consuming cigarette. For instance, a course in East Java, some teachers smoke when they are teaching since some senior educators assert that they are not able to explain the lesson fully concentrate without smoking. Consequently, the stakeholder allows them to smoke. Therefore, consumers of cigarette are entitled for doing their habit.

On the other hand, whatever smoker or not have to admit that the content of fog from cigarette is hostile for passive smokers. The reason is when they breathe the smoke, it will disturb their healthy. Taking pregnant woman as an example, it will endanger her fetus, when they live in smoking circumstance. Henceforth, the risk of abortion is high or disability baby when born. All in all, to keep the health of other people, consuming cigarette in public area have to be banned.

To sum up, it is evident that despite it is controversial issue, I strongly agree that forbidding smoking in front of public location is a must. Finally, I suggest to government to make a rule for overcome this problem in order to safeguard health of majority inhabitants.
bastian20   
Apr 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / Overall, it can be seen that there are two main raw materials to make fish pie. IELTS [2]

A process of production fish pie generation in a food factory is revealed in the pictures. Overall, it can be seen that there are two main raw materials to make fish pie.

The first prime ingredient is potatoes. This carbohydrate diet is delivered by truck for more than one month. The earliest stage is that potatoes are cleaned to peel. After that, the litters are wasted to disposal. Then, next step is slice in order to boil them in good condition. The potatoes are added by chili to give the sense. All in all, the last process is storing.

Turning to another main raw material, it is fresh salmon delivered by truck for 12 hours or less. Different with potatoes, this step of this ingredient is added lemon juice and salt. Then, it is steamed in oven. Surprisingly, this factory still employ human to remove and skin bones and of them as an inspector. The last two steps are preparing peas and sauce. Finally, the potatoes and fresh salmon are combined and packaged to be stored in freezer and the pies are ready to be marketed.



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bastian20   
Apr 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / What is the best time for kids to take formal education? [3]

Hello Yonathan, actually, your idea is well-organised, but there are some mistakes about grammatical error. In order to give you another alternative to build the introduction based on your idea brainstorming, I am going to attempt for paraphrasing your introduction.

The one of the children basis need in this sophisticated era is formal education. Some people argue that they should study since aged four. Yet, others have different perspective, it is to young, the appropriate age for children to attend the class is seven or eight years old. I firmly agree that those should spend their children period to playing instead of joining formal school.
bastian20   
Apr 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The impressive building or public service are crucial for people's lives [4]

You also use so many same words in same paragraph, in order to increase your band in writing, you have to circumvent them and there some grammatical error. Besides them, I am going to attempt for give you another alternative for your first body paragraph.

This is because the breathtaking of building makemakes town interest and it can make persuade the strangers come to visit it. For instance, the Palace of the Parliament in Bucharest, Rumania, the impressive spectacular buidingstructure .

bastian20   
Apr 1, 2016
Writing Feedback / The impressive building or public service are crucial for people's lives [4]

Hello Mujahiddin, you wrote this article quite well. Actually, your idea can be accepted and understood. But, In my opinion you should avoid to use same words in one paragraph since it can reduce your lexical resources significantly.

Let me paraphrase your equal vocabularies in one paragraph and correct your grammatical error.

, whilst otherothers say that the money should be alocatedallocate to facility of education and health of inhabitants. Although, the opulent buildingstructure are vital to make the city more breathtaking, I strongly believe that development of the public service are more crucialimperative to encourage

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