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Posts by fauziyahtami
Name: Fauziyah
Joined: Sep 26, 2016
Last Post: Oct 31, 2016
Threads: 22
Posts: 38  
Likes: 6
From: Indonesia
School: University of Indonesia

Displayed posts: 60 / page 2 of 2
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fauziyahtami   
Oct 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Surprising History Behind the Scary Clown Phenomenon [2]

Hello Bams,
Hope you enjoy your time, lemme give you some suggestion

==> (a)(or you can mention Years ago) Long time ago, the cre(e )py clowns had been appear (ing/ed? depend on the time),

==> fis r(s) t of all the clowns were marginal grouph s society in America.
==> They always fun(n)y dressed(tend to make me confuse--> they always dress uniquely)but(and) they make up the(their) face with freak style.

==>Thisphenonema(phenomenon--> singular) not only occur in the USA but also in the several countries.
==> The clowns (were-->past tense) popular as scary creatur(e) s because their style was very stranger in the(among) society.
==> Therefore they are popular as cre(e) py creatures.
==> Spreading of the scary clowns are(is) very rapidly.
==> ... they became enemies in the(among/ between) several country(ies--> several-->plural) .
==>However, After 19 century, (the) condition of clowns became better than the 19 century (before--> you have done mention it),
==> Charles Dickens (L--> capital for place name)l ondon flokflore(folklore) member grouph(this sentence tend to make me confuse)(Charles Dickens is a member of London's folklore group has) changed of scary ..

==>In the 20 century, clowns industry(ie) s have been rapidly ...
The police had arrests(ed--> had need V3) all of (the) scary clowns and right now,
==> ... and in the several countries (later) .

*be aware with plural and singular
*you have done several typos
*your sentence structure sometimes tends to make reader confuse, try to make it easily to understand

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Athlete Has a Great Peripheral Vision Ability in Sports [5]

When we focus on something we usually do not notice our peripheral area, we may know there is something blurry around but we actually do not pay attention to it. Some people need to focus on the blur that surrounds where they stand on such as Athletes. They optimise their peripheral vision ability to see all around clearly.

An athlete is trained to upgrade their visual ability to detecting and tracking what come around as much as he could. In a game, anything could show up suddenly but Athletes can catch their environment condition quickly although they move so fast without losing any concentration. The combination of good footwork, body position and peripheral vision will help improve viewing time and give the opportunity to foreknow what next.

Athlete viewpoint is full of motion which means need to be skimmed but clear. Any object could emerge from any porous quickly, that compel the athlete to balance their head movement an eye motion to move faster in response. A volleyball player needs to stay in a position that ready to face the speed and angel of the direction of the ball and the other player movement.

Contrasting court backgrounds, enlightening, the obvious divergence of uniform and less of-court motion could help the athlete to exacerbate their visual. It is strange to using a grey uniform while bright colours would help them to keep on eyes in each member.

Everything that brings out distraction while they are in focus will carry pause moment. Pause moment will convey a blurred view during visual tracking error. Even, every single of blinking may occur interferes. Human blinking is about two or a half seconds every minute and it will be more if people under anxiety attack. This occurs prompt blurs while eyes motion in and out of focus on particular objects. Athlete trained to be able to anticipate and outgrow all non-visual moment.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Can Spicy Foods Really Cool You Down? (Article Summary) [2]

Hello Fauzan,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> This summary is extracted from wired.com and was published by Jennifer Chausse (it's okay you try to mention the source, but you only have to write down the link at the below --> Source: ww.wired.com/xxxxxxxxxx).

==> ... hot acai porridge or other type(s) of spicy food are able ...
==> A scientist from (the) University of Ottawa have been ...
==> ... hot then automatically stimulate (the) body to start sweating ...
Now, the principal turns out (that) people can really ...

Overall, you have done great
Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Programming bacteria to detect cancer (and maybe treat it) [2]

Hello
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> ... to detect cancer inside (a) human body.
==>An explanation from (a) researcher, Tal Danino (...) to detect cancer even another disease(this sentence tend to make me confuse) .
==> He developed a software where(which) it can write algorithm ...
==> ... assisted the colony (in spreading out to detect disease that phenomenon ...)(to spread out to detect disease that phenomena he called a supernova. )
==> ... Bacteria grew naturally in (the) human body and sent (a) signal to the machine and the detect(ed) cancer or treat. It will be (a) benefit to detect cancer and other disease(s) in the future.

Overall, you have done great
Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Taklimakan Desert is one of the most extreme environments on Earth [2]

Plant Life in the Taklimakan Desert

The Taklimakan Desert is one of the most extreme environment(s) on Earth, which has rare rainfall, violent sandstorms and the temperature change up to 20oC (68oF) every day. It is located in Northwestern China and had a wide size about 337,600 square kilometres (130,300 square miles).

There are several plants species thrive freely in the Taklimakan Desert. 85% of The Taklimakan Desert are covered by 250 meter3 high sand dunes and transform constantly between the open desert and oasis. This condition forces all the plants to adapt well.

There are three Taklimakan plants: Populus euphratica, Tamarix ramosissima, and Alhagi sparsifolia which can upstand strongly to confront scorching summer, frigid winter, drought, and high salt concentration. They have been adapting well by recovering their condition quickly. They perform divergent profile vegetation that has a unique mechanism to survive. The plants are attracting water as much as they can and minimising evaporation at the same time.

Populus eupharatica, The Euphrates poplar, struggle by having a long root system that can reach water miles away. This plant only opens the stomata while photosynthesis at the day, aiming to reduce moisture loss.

P. euphratica may face high-level of salt in the soil. Unlimited salt concentration through the root to the stem and enter into the leaves. The plant produces a large number and volume of its cells to dilute the salt.

Tamarix ramosissima usually called tamarisk or salt cedar is a small tree with small, sharp leaves. Tamarisk absorbs a huge amount of water by a far-reaching root system that has a double size of the upper plant. Tamarisk manages their decisive time to close and open the stomata to prevent evaporation.

As a salt-tolerant plant, Tamarisk also produces its own salt that will be collected in special glands between leaves and then release onto life surface. Leaves falling down to the ground could affect the soil more saline.

Alhagi sparsifolia is a spiny shrub has a tiny root which can reach water down deeper than the others. A. sparsifolia does a hydraulic conductance system to bring up the groundwater.

Even though desert plant could survive around the extreme condition, they need some help to preserve their sand dunes to be stable, avoiding erosion, presenting a barrier to sandstorm and protecting biodiversity.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Simple method of producing electricity by wind turbine but troublesome process of its location [3]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some corrections

==> The diagrams illustrate turbine by using (the) wind to produce electricity
==> Overall, ............... to produce electricity by using (the) wind (you can use another word for using wind such as "windmill" instead) , its installation will be difficult in (to) some extent ...

==> Blades are usually made from fiberglass (fibreglass) or wood.
==> Also blades are also added(Blades also added) with wind sensor connected to (a) computer which is close to (the) tower to adjust (the) direction and angel of blades. Another main part of blades is (a) generator (that) producing energy ...

==> ... be located on the top of (the) mountain where (the) wind (you can use air instead) blows with maximum strength.
==> ... be set up close by(to) coast line.
==> Although (the) wind in the sea is ...

You have done great
Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are several people who like to achieve excellence in facing work tasks, and enjoy their job [3]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some corrections

==> ... tendency to work at (the) same company every ...
==> This essay would deny with such an idea as except money, (tend to make me confuse)the working experience(s)(,) as well as the (...) they keep working all day in (at) the same workplace.

==> ... that workers spend all- day (long)in same workplaces (try to paraphrase this word, "in the office") to analyze any tasks, (...) and execute through actions based on their decision

==> For instance, ........................ potential in solving some of them (,) according to(the) survey in (a) well-known company. It is true that experience in (the) unfamiliar workplace is as important as money needed to keep their lifestyle(keep their life going well) . (you can complete your paragraph with a result from the instance)

==> Aside from what is(has) explained above,
==> This is because doing (a) job over (...) bored to most (of) officers who already ...
==> In 2009, (a) national survey (from where? you can mention the place) that analyze the aim (...) showed most of (the) old people aged (...) working for emotionally fulfillment (fulfilment ) rather than ...

==> ... and pension are aimed by(at) workers to do their job in (the) similar company.

* you did not mention your statement, agree or disagree? you have to address it at the introduction and conclusion, so it will make your essay more clearly

* try to make multiple ideas

you have done great
good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Writing task 2- The opinion about communication with others via online [5]

Some people think that being able to communicate with others online is breaking down geographical barriers and enabling people, who would normally never have the chance to meet, to communicate.

What are the advantages of international communication online?
Are there any disadvantages to this?


In this modern world, many changes are appearing especially the easy access to communication by using the internet. People commonly talk to a stranger via online that they never see in person before. This trend turns up an assumption that online media tearing down the constraint among states all over the world. I do believe that the internet brings certain benefits for society, yet there are drawbacks may occur behind.

There is no doubt that the world is developing very fast over the last decades. It can be seen that the internet turn to be a primary need for modern people. Firstly, social media offer us the easy way to explore the whole world from where we stand. An Internet user can meet many people from another hemisphere. They can also learn a lot of culture from multiple countries at the same time. Secondly, online communication leads us to share information to the world. Everyone can write any opinion or view on the internet and share the up to date news that happening in their region. For instance, in 2012, Bromo Mountain in Indonesia had an earthquake, immediately almost all of people over the world knew about it via online news. Finally, social media help us to find who disappear for a long time such as an old friend.

However, side effects of social media may harm for our life, if society cannot use it properly and carefully. First of all, the internet facilitates virtual criminal to do a snow job by abusing people's trust. Several people easily trust other people even they have not met personally. In addition, everyone can steal other details then use it to deceive the other one. Many photos captured and shared to social media, criminal use the photo to draw the wool over eyes on someone and then do some deception. The last, by using online chat too much, it may change inhabitant's habit. Societies have a tendency to communicate on the air rather than talk in person. This cause decreases empathy feeling fellow humans.

To conclude, many benefits that can we receive by online communication as long as we can control it. Nevertheless, some disadvantages also can turn up caused by the personal user or moreover abusing detail information. Therefore, individuals have to be more careful during using the internet.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Sir Ken Robinson in his public speech shared about how the schools kill children's creativity. [4]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> ... should be treated as (the) same status.
... that most of (the) schools have determined ...
==> Another factor that affect(s) why teacher tend(s) to force their ...
==> ... ability in art tend to declin(e)ing .

*you already explained the reason why schools can kill creativity clearly, better yet if you mention the comparison between the condition in this present time and in the past

*you can also mention the bad side of the death of creativity

you've done great
Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / One way to restore our body and mind is traveling. Article summary - Traveling [3]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> ... body and mind is traveling(travelling) . This is because experiencing favorable(favourable) place can raise our joyful. Besides, traveling (travelling) becomes a perfect time ...

Spending leisure time in (the) weekend in or out of ...
==> In addition, having (a) chance to travel a ...
As the result, we can built(build) a new relationship ...

*you did some typo, you have to watch your words
*better yet if you explain more so reader will understand your summary clearly

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Ken Robinson declared about the importance of creativity in education [3]

TED summary- Do Schools Kill Creativity

Ken Robinson declared about the importance of creativity in education. Children may be lost in a lot of mistakes while they trying something new in order to search for their talent. The fact that if you are not preparing yourself to be wrong you will never come up with the original. Educations whole the world have a high standard. In the past, if people don't have a degree so they will not get any job, your major determine your occupation. But now, even children have a degree it does not guarantee their future, this is inflation of educations. University's system designed to measure scholar intelligence by entrance exam, so if you are good at school it doesn't mean you can joint to the university. In 30 years later, UNESCO predicted that there will be more graduating from university more than the history. People have to discover the talent then chose the best way to improve it. Parents have an obligation to lead their children to find it. Every pupil should see their creativity capacity helped by parents, so they can reach the right goal in the future
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Culture and Language. When we want to learn abroad culture, we have to master the language first. [3]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> ... before we can speak (the) local language fluently.

... usually can not speak other language(s) so when ...
*you already mention the reasons, better yet if you give at least one example using 5W1H to sharpen your view
*you can add more reason from another view to strengthening your opinion


.., most of(the) people who want to ...
*you have done great, you complete your view with explanation, example and result

==> ... gives many merits to learn(ing) local culture.
... but also it can be learn(ed) by using the internet ...

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some people think that to lead a successful life a university degree is important. [2]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

==> It is often argued that it is (a) positive development, ...
==> ..., it agreed that university degree is significant ,and it will be showed by analysis ... (make it clear, what are you agreeing to?)
==> Some believe that students get (a) chance to pursue (...) in their fields at (the) university .
==> ... be able to come up with (a) new invention from their researches . For example, many students has(have) find out many medicine that is incomparable like insulin (how this work?, you can expand your sample using 5W1H to strengthen your view) .

==> ... that make student more capable to address(capable of addressing) new difficulties in society.
==> ... universities degrees is (are) (the) hindrance for some achievement at (the) early age.
==> They think that it make unable students to be full ...(this sentence prone to make me confuse)(they think that it cause student cannot or unable to be a full-time job after holder.............) .

==> Despite of working, if (the) student enrols university ,(...)t not be able to reduces the financial burden of their(s) .
==> ... independent and self(-) reliant at younger age itself.
==> ... given enormous benefits to(a) learner to be (...) for (a) new invention .
==> ..., but he have (has) a successful life (sharpen your example using 5W1H) .
==> ... that higher education is (the) power that can (...) of economy and living(e) standard .
==> To (be) conclude(d) , Despite of having ...

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 27, 2016
Writing Feedback / Cosmopolitan summary- Sharing a Bed with Your Kids Is Not So Great for Their Mental Health [3]

Sleeping in the same bed with kids is so common right now. A study tries to dig about the effect of it, is there any negative effect caused by this culture. The researcher engaged 3,583 children in Brazil. It evaluated with various intervals, researcher observes internalised disorders (such as anxiety or depression) and externalised issue (like oppositional defiant disorder, any kind of ADHD, or a conduct disorder). The survey showed that kids who sleep with their parents had a higher risk of mental health rather than who does not. New discovery found that sharing a bed with the kid can cause prone anxiety and depression. The American Academy says that it is better to let the baby stay in parent's room until at least six months old.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / How marital status impact the happiness level between spouses? [2]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

... single no more than (a) half percent and (...) extremely affect(ed) for oldest people.
... not have any children is not tremendous important for (the) happiness of married couples.

In contrast, unmarried people have (a) level of pleasure ...

Those percentages of blisfulness(blissfulness) are 44% and 43% subsequently.
... have adult children have (the) smallest proportion ...

*writing task 1 is about the comparison, you have to compare the data clearly, not only mention the data. both of body 1 and 2 merely show the percentage.

*you can use "more than two-fifths (45%)" etc to replace percentage instead

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The number of plants and animals species in the tropical forest which closed to extinction (WT 1) [2]

Hello,
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

A breakdown which presents in the graph [....] the disappearance is caused by human impact . (this sentence prone to make me confuse)(my suggestion, you need to manage your sentence properly, so it will be more easily to understand the main idea you have tried to explain)

... the total number of (a) figure will drop ...

When we look (at)the main induces of the species extinctions (the main reason that induce the extinction of species), the human impact is(gives) the highest contribution to(of) the (creatur) disappearance at 81.3% while natural events donates at 18.7%.

*writing task 1 is about the comparison, you have to more compare the data
*you can mention the highest, smallest, lowest and etc data to attract reader attention
*you have done well, yet you need to manage your sentence to be more clearly to understand

good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The criminality is continuously growing and threaten societies. [4]

Each year, the crime rate increases.
What are the causes of crime and what could be done to prevent this rise in criminal activity?


Criminality cases have been ascending over the time. Several reasons are engaged to this problem. I do believe that there is any way to root out crime rate. This essay will explain the causes and the prevention of crime.

In this modern day, people are facilitated by sophisticated technology. Firstly, individuals can access information from where they stand using the internet. This amenity is oftentimes being misused by cyber criminals to commit fraud. They can stalk the activity of potential target and track the location using social media. Secondly, people nowadays have a higher IQ in the history; they find many methods to do offence to look for profit. For instance, nowadays, several hypnotherapists are abusing their ability to deceive to reach profits in an easy way. Thirdly, society's life getting harder over the last decades, economic problem force people to seeking money in illegitimate ways. The price of primary needs has been increasing to be an unreasonable price.

People from all over the world cooperate to against wickedness. Various kinds of way have been created using a combination of technologies. The government has a duty to protect the citizen from the threat of the felon. Ministry of national security has to upgrade the security system by utilising technology. For instance, in the last 2015, Jakarta authority installed over 50 units CCTV around the main street. Consequently, the number of crime rate has been decreasing, criminal be more scared to do robber since all of the society has been watching by police. In addition, society has to be more careful during using the internet,

To sum up, in this present time criminality is continuously growing and threaten society. Many factors that cause this case and also many strategies have been developing to inhibit crime. Even though the government has been attempting to protect citizen by setting up a tight security system, society still forced to preserve their self.
fauziyahtami   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Fast food eaten by Australia Teenagers over 25-year period [2]

Hello
Hope you doing well, lemme give you some suggestion

The breakdown of information about [....] dropped dramatically over the timeframe shown.
(you have done well, yet I think it is better if you mention the kind of food, you can also mention the highest and the smallest)

... whilst Hamburgers rose slightly in(at) the end of the period.
On the other hand, Fish and Chips started at 100 consumption of fast food in 1975,...........
(you can also describe the former data, which one at the first, second and third place then compare with the latest data, it will make your essay more attractive)

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / It will be hard for people who ignore their health to have a healthy lifestyle. [4]

hello,
hope you doing well, lemme give some suggestion

... have willing to be healthy, they(it) will not hard to ...
... that it is not (an) easy work to people practice (a) healthy way of life(lifestyle) .
..., many things that attract people to ignore with a healthy lifestyle.

In this present time, many methods people can use to keep healthy(many methods can be used to keep our body health) .
... and consume home-made health(ty) food and vitamins.
She always keep(s) her health with consume(ing) vitamin, goes jogging (...) food every day (you already mention it before (about healthy foods, vitamins etc) I think you have to devote another specific example and improve it with 5W1H)

... she goes to the sport(s) centre for ...
...but it feels difficult for the others (I think this sentence already mentioned it the former, you can cut this one) . (In my opinion, you need to give a result from the example, (consequently, my mom rarely getting sick..........)

Another(Other) people have (a) mindset that it is hard to have (the) healthy lifestyle in (the) modern era. They think too complicated to become health(they have a complex thought about this issue) . Furthermore, if they are busy with their activities, they do not want to start a healthy life. (you have to expand your explanation, sharpen your view and make it clear so a reader will catch your point properly)

... he has (the) unhealthy lifestyle ...

... the essential to be health(ty) will feel easy to implement (the) healthy way of life.
(In my viewpoint, you need to give your own view)
*you have to organise your sentence, some of it tend to make reader confuse

Good luck and keep writing :)
fauziyahtami   
Oct 31, 2016
Writing Feedback / Some people think that air transportation usage needs to be cut to lower air pollution. [3]

Restricting air travel is the only way to prevent air pollution. Do you agree or disagree?

In the last decades, air travel passengers have been increasing to a tremendous number. Some people think that air transportation use needs to be cut to descends air pollution. I firmly disagree with this view since aeroplane devotes many merits.

There is no doubt that airplane's schedules today are more highly than before. This trend causes a bad effect on the air pollution, by the increasing of air travel, simultaneously air pollution is ascending that may contribute to global warming. For instance, plane's emission directly crashes the atmosphere. Consequently, earth atmosphere is damaged, makes a big hole that continuously expands which causes the increasing of earth's temperature. This means the government has to control air travel consumption to preserve the earth.

However, even though plane's pollution ruin the atmosphere, aeroplane also helps a human in every business. Firstly, in this modern world, people have a tight bustle that forces them to move quickly. By using an airplane, they do not need more time to reach some places. This may cut corner society's time and make it more effective. Secondly, air travel opens up a huge number of occupations. This is helping the government to decrease the number of unemployment. Finally, a plane is not the only reason of gas pollution. America environment ministry declared that the most agent of air pollution came from motor vehicles like car and motorbike. By this means, the government has to focus on hamper the ascending of vehicle number.

To conclude, air transportation contributes in the raising of air pollution nowadays, yet it really helps human. I disagree with the opinion that plane's schedule have to be decreased since the most causes that contribute to the pollution comes from car and motorcycle.

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