Writing Feedback / It's an essay about leadership summit. What makes my presence there imperative? [2]

Nagham , this is not a proper explanation essay as to why you wish to attend this summit. Since you are limited by a word requirement, you will need to write a totally new response to the question. This time, you need to better explain how your objectives with regards to alleviating the plight of the women in your country ties in directly with the summit. Consider what the theme of the summit is this year. Then think of what the objectives of the foundation or organization that is mounting the summit are. Think about the relevance of these information to your ultimate goal or objective in terms of helping the women in your country. Consider what benefits you will gain from attending the summit in terms of networking assets of enlightening others about the plight of human rights inequality in the country you come from. Discuss those in the essay. These are the correct answers to the question being posed. These will be the reasons why you want to attend and why it is imperative that you participate in this summit.

Writing Feedback / A person's worth VS old-fashioned value : IELTS WRITNG TASK 2 [2]

The essay does not follow the correct requirements for the original prompt. The instruction prompt for this essay indicates:

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

This being an extent essay, means that you need to use emotional words to describe your opinion. Words like strongly, partially, and considerably, among others, help to evoke a sense of the degree by which your opinion carries your agreement or disagreement with the given statement. The supporting examples will be used to reiterate that opinion through a series of supporting statements of commonly known facts.

Speaking of commonly known facts, the essay prompt asks you to base your defense of your singular opinion ( as required to be discussed in this essay) on your personal knowledge or experience regarding the given information. That said, the method by which you provide examples and supporting information in the essay is incorrect. By stating that the writer needs to use examples based on personal (own) knowledge and experience, the examples from the newspaper will automatically disqualify your essay from receiving a high score in terms of task accuracy. That is because your response is not based on personal information but rather, upon research. You will not be allowed to use research in the actual test setting because the test computers will be on internet lock down.

Each paragraph should not be more than 5 sentences in response. You will need to learn how to use the following format for each body paragraph:

1. Topic sentence
2. Explanation 1
4. Explanation 2
5. Example

That is the best method by which to present your responses. Do not use tremendously long sentence that will qualify as a run-on sentence. Do not rely on using commas to connect separate thoughts either. You will end up presenting incoherent sentences that way. You made that mistake in the opening statement, and the concluding statement. The 5 sentence rule applies in both instances. The rule of thumb is, no less than 3, no more than 5 sentences per paragraph.

That said, this is a good first effort, but you require further guidance in the proper presentation format and tightening of the sentence presentations in order to gain a high mark for this essay. You have the potential to gain at least a score of 8 in your presentations. You just need to practice and apply corrections in order to improve your presentation. You show that you understand the prompt to a certain extent, you need to familiarize yourself with the different discussion formats for the Task 2 essay in order to understand the correct approach to the discussion. Try to read the examples here, that will help you understand the different essay requirements for this test.

Undergraduate / The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph [4]

Isabella , a minor biography who who Ana is would be more appropriate for this essay, along with the dialogue of admiration that you included. You have to also remember, that the reviewer does not know who this person is. So aside from her academic accomplishments, which are truly notable, you will need to let him know how successful Ana became in order to create a clearer picture as to why you would have chosen her as a role mode. What academic or profession related accomplishment that she have which told you that she was worthy of emulation? Based upon your understanding of who Ana is, what her work ethic is, and what set her apart from other women in the STEM field of your country, how did you use her as your inspiration? You are explaining to the reviewer what you understood about Ana, but you are not telling or showing how this understanding inspired who you are today and why you are persistent in pursuing your ambitions. What is the significant influence that she had on you? I don't get the sense of that in this essay. It needs to be developed in a more informative and, if possible, dramatic manner in order to better reflect the symbolism she stands for in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Should recycling be a legal requirement? IELTS ESSAY [5]

eli, it is unfortunate that your essay cannot score higher than a band score of 2 based on overall scoring considerations. . You cannot be given a higher grade consideration because, although you attempted to present a position in every paragraph, there is a lack of full discussion development and presentation of supporting ideas. The essay is composed of repetitive information that does not really represent any particular side, offer solid evidence to support the topic sentence, which should have been in the form of an opinion, does not represent any personal experience related to the topic as based on the prompt requirements. Due to the under developed presentation and the lack of a concluding statement in the essay, the work you did cannot get even a slightly passing score. The discussion you made was just good enough to address the task in the simplest manner, but not enough to consider it a strong discussion with relevant supporting information. Since this is your first posting at this forum, I will assume that you are just starting your IELTS review at this point. Don't be too disappointed with your score. Persevere and keep practicing so that you can improve your work. If you continue to post your work here, we can collectively help you improve your writing abilities over time.

The main reason your essay failed is because you kept repeating your prompt paraphrase throughout the essay. It shows that you either did not understand the instructions or, you do not have any personal knowledge regarding the given topic. Try to read more English materials in order to increase your English cultural references and current events information. That will help you better prepare for the popular topics normally discussed in the IELTS essay.

Letters / My letter to express my scientific interest in applying for the Doctor Program in Mathematics. [2]

Phi, the only part of this letter that you can use is the fourth paragraph that discusses the reasons why you chose to apply for your PhD at this university. The earlier parts of the letter are more inclined to represent your personal statement instead of a motivation letter. The motivation letter should be comprised of information that shows a number of things regarding your career.

The motivation letter must first, indicate when and how you discovered your had an interest in Probability and Statistics. This early foundation should also portray the development of your interest in the field. From there, move on to your immediate past exposure in the field that resulted in your enrolling in the masters program. What drove you to pursue that level of higher learning? Now that your education there is almost completed, what are the other existing driving factors that push you to immediately enroll in a PhD program even without having any additional professional experience in the field yet?

Your motivation in this aspect must be stronger than simply having a ready scholarship from your government or something similar. Those are very weak reasons to pursue the PhD course. You have to convince the reviewer that you have a valid professional, career growth reason that makes you feel an immediate need to continue your education rather than working for a few years before you apply for admission to a PhD course. You need a strong enough reason to convince the reviewer that you qualify for immediate enrollment soon after completing your masters course.

Undergraduate / USC supplementary essay About Robotics and psychology field [2]

@phe201 We have a one essay per thread policy at this forum so I will only be able to respond to the first essay response that you posted. You will need to start a new thread for the second essay as the admin will delete that essay once they see that there are 2 essays in one thread.

The first paragraph is actually unnecessary in response to the prompt. That sort of backgrounder will only be relevant in a personal statement response. Your second paragraph is a direct response to the prompt which will capture the interest of the reviewer far more than the first paragraph can. The only problem with that response is that it is limited in scope. You have 250 words to use in the essay. You have to use it to show the reviewer that you actually have a plan for study at the university. The prompt is designed in such a way that it makes you think about how you will spend your time as a student at the university. So tailor the response to that requirement. Do some research on YouTube, look up the university website, search for student blogs in relation to your chosen major. Learn what the current students are doing to pursue their academic interests at USC both during official academic time and extra curricular times.

The idea is to show the reviewer that you know what you are getting into at the university, you will not waste your time as a student there, you are a serious student of your chosen major, and you plan to excel in the field even before you graduate by pursuing important and relevant interests as supported by the university, its curriculum, its extra curricular activities, and its other related programs.

Use the full 250 words to showcase your familiarity with the university and how you can be successful as a professional by the time you receive your diploma at the end of your undergraduate years.

Writing Feedback / University is the better route than school to reach successful career [3]

fiZa, I do not think that you can score higher than a 6 with this type of essay. The reason that I scored you within that bracket is because the essay has good topic sentences but you do not know how to properly present your discussion so that your thought process is clear and understandable to the reader. You have clear problems with cohesiveness and coherence in all your sentences because you are always missing a clear topic sentence and, there are times when it seems like you are presenting a sentence from the middle, instead from the start of the thought development presentation. These grammatical and sentence structure errors prevented you from gaining a score that could be higher than a 6. You must constantly practice writing complete English sentences in order to address this problem. Fill in the blanks sentence development exercises will help tremendously towards improving your sentence structure and development predicament. Some examples of your unclear sentence presentations are:

1. Your whole opening statement
2. . For this reason, that studying at university is widely accepted.
3. So, people in areas need to gain practical familiarity with relevant subject.

You must focus on learning how to develop simple English sentences first. The problem with your essay always relates to your inability to properly develop sentences and paragraphs that will be understandable to the reader. So you have to focus on grammar exercises and the presentation of your sentences, without using prompt requirements first. You can do this by reading English articles and then just writing what you understand about it. Explain it on paper and have us check it for clarity of presentation. Once you get used to presenting clear explanations, you will be able to properly respond to prompt statements already.

Letters / Cover letter for accountant position [3]

Khan, are you writing this letter for an actual job application or for an IELTS letter writing test? Those are 2 different types of letters with two different contents and presentation slants. An IELTS letter has specific prompt requirements that need to be represented so I would need a list of those requirements in order to judge your letter. As an actual job application letter though, this is not a very effective introduction. It sounds too academic, rather than professional in nature. It is so academic in presentation that I thought at first, that I was reading a statement of purpose which was written in the wrong format.

The cover letter should only ask the reader to take note of certain highlights in your CV by presenting a bullet form presentation of your academic achievements and work accomplishments, along with some notable employee traits. By using the bullet form presentation, you make the letter easier to read and allow the HR person to scan for highlights that may be of interest to him and push him to read your actual CV so you can be seriously considered for the position.

By the way, you don't address the letter to the HR Department. The proper format for this block letter is as follows:

Date

Your name
Your Contact information

Name of person in charge of HR
his position in the HR
The company name

or

Human Resources Department
Company Name
Company Company contact information

To Whom It May Concern;

I came across you job opening advertisement in...

Graduate / Why do I want to pursue Coastal Science and Policy? My passion for marine conservation [7]

Here is an extra advice. Normally we would not give one unless you help other students, please ;)

I am making reference to the opening paragraph that indicates; "I once belonged to that clan of self-righteous armchair conservationists ..." The term "clan" pertains to, by definition, "a group of families or households,". Since the essay makes reference to a family background for your interests, the reviewer will take the opening statement as a reference to the collective mindset and action of your family. That does not work in this sort of essay. It is either you refer directly to your family in reference to the important information required in the essay or you do not refer to it at all.

By indicating a "clan", that means that your family reacts to environmental problems in that manner. Which, you are now saying, is not what you are referring to. In order to avoid confusion on the part of the reviewer, it will be best if you remove that paragraph instead. You do not need to replace it with anything or any other statement. Your second paragraph makes a very strong opening statement should you decide to use it as such.

Graduate / Why do I want to pursue Coastal Science and Policy? My passion for marine conservation [7]

The first line about the arm chair conservationists is not necessary. Did you notice that you just said that without actually developing a convincing discussion or connecting it properly to any aspect of the required information from the prompt? Exactly. Stop forcing a piece of irrelevant information into the essay. It does not help move the essay forward and only hinders a smooth development of the discussion presentation. Your family participation, when told as a forced part of the essay because there is no real relevance to their participation on the development of your interest, creates a vacuum of information in the essay. That is because the family information is a lie. As a fictitious piece of information, it will not help to heighten the interest in your essay. It does not even work as a hook to interest the reviewer at this point. Stop trying to add it in. You don't need to. Just present accurate facts.

Speaking of accurate facts, don't treat this essay as a research paper with sources included as an in-text citation. Everything must be paraphrased into your own experience and understanding of the prompt requirements. You are not being scored on the accuracy of your presentation. You are being judged on how your experience, both practical and theoretical, created the mindset that you have in relation to coastal science and policy. That is why the use of cited information becomes nothing more but a diversion from the actual discussion. You can still use the article, but you need to speak about it in terms of how it enlightened you regarding the problem. A summarized presentation, with an extensive personal application is what will make that information useful to your essay.

When you present the 7 month ban information, you should make sure that you present a modified version which will apply to your own project or possible policy presentation and how it applies to your interest in policy making for the coastal regions. Less reference to the original law and more reference to how it can be modified to be more relevant and applicable to current times.

The rest of the essay is acceptable and can be used as it is. Just make sure to create a smooth revision based upon the observations I made above.

Graduate / Why do I want to pursue Coastal Science and Policy? My passion for marine conservation [7]

I can only comment on the content and not on the flow because you did not present it in essay form, which would have my reviewing job easier. Unfortunately, you chose an ill effective method of presentation, which means I will only offer you the advice applicable to the format you chose. How you connect the paragraphs, will be solely up to you. You will have to develop the transition sentences and paragraphs. I cannot help you with that because of the Q&A format that you chose to present your response as.

1. What you are showing is not a passion. It is only a development of your interest. A passion should show how you were spurred to do something, no matter how simple, in response to the devastation you saw. A passionate person would have emerged from the exposure with an idea of how to solve the problem in his own way. The passion should be felt and read in an over all, implied manner in the whole essay.

2. The first paragraph is a tired definition of sustainable science and policy. That is the standard response that everyone who applies for this course gives. Try to look within you for your personal definition. Don't go for textbook responses that will not help the essay stand out. One way that you can make this response stand out is by attaching the importance of sustainable science and policy to the situation in the beach areas of Mumbai. Give a personal insight regarding the effects of over-fhishing and how natural sources must be preserved in order to make sure that the natural sea sources are preserved for generations to come. Your policy ideas will help make this paragraph stand out.

3. Your response is not appropriate. You are not being asked to discuss what you learned as a member of WTI, you are are being asked to discuss a specific marine conservation policy or coastal science regulation that you feel is overlooked but is of vital importance to protecting the marine environment. What sort of strategic marriage of analysis, expertise, and policy attracted you to the course? Use a specific rule or instance. YOu should not discuss what you expect the program to provide for you at that point because that is not part of the prompt question. Offer only answers related to the questions being asked. Do not be generic and hope that it fits the question. Research. Look for specific policies you can cite in response to the question in order to add authority to your response.

4. Your career aspirations could use a method of development in its presentation. What agency do you hope to join after completing the program in relation to your career aims? How do you see yourself helping the coastal regions of India over the first 5 years of your career? How far do you hope to progress in terms of career networking to make these a reality? For example, After graduation, I plan to join xxx where I can effect a change in 2x. 3 years down the line, I should be working as a liaison officer at ccc agency where I will influence the xxxx. After 5 years, my positions as a vvvv will prepare me for a PhD level of study in bbbb.

5. If Sajan is not writing you a recommendation letter, don't include his name as a reference in the essay. He may not be able to support your claim of knowing him if you don't have permission to mention him. Even if you don't mention him, your belief in the program and how it aligns with your goals is enough to prove your interest in the program.

6. Your documents should prove your leadership abilities. There is no reason for you to repeat that in response to the question. You need to show a familiarity with the program that will prove that you can be trained for a specific leadership role by the program. Which subjects can do that? What training or internship? What collaborations does the university offer which will mold you into the authority you hope to become? Prove that you know what the course demands of you and that you are capable of delivering the requirements in order to complete the program.

7. Your final response does not stand out. There is no remarkable achievement present on your end that will tell the reviewer that you are better qualified than the other candidates. Your achievements are too general and could be attributed to every other candidate applying for admission. You need a stand out accomplishment in this section to prove that you are a one in a million kind of student who will add to the importance, visibility, and renown of the program. How can you, as a student, help to improve the current quality of the program and how can you be of important use during your time as a student and thereafter? Your response to these questions will help your candidacy stand out from the pack.

Graduate / Focused on the why I want to pursue the master's degree than giving too much of a story [6]

There is a lack of representation as to how you will help to increase awareness about and help to improve the well being or plight of the underrepresented segment of society in your essay. You mention the problems that they have and how these have influenced you to become more involved in the cause, but there is no representation as to how these studies will help you create a more advanced response to the needs of the cause in this segment of society. Don't say you are extremely excited about the program if you have no idea which parts of the program will be of the utmost use to you in the field. Think of what kind of change you want to represent upon your return, then decide which and how the courses you will be taking can help you do that. Basically, you are being asked "What is the plan to help them?" The influence of the other groups should motivate you to develop your own solutions to the problem, so work on that angle. That is the only weak angle in the essay that I can see at the moment.

Graduate / Focused on the why I want to pursue the master's degree than giving too much of a story [6]

The same advice applies to this essay. Your backstory is not connected to the masters you wish to study, which makes the story you provided irrelevant to the last half of the essay. All information you provide must only relate to the masters degree you wish to study. The fact that you opened with a story about someone who isn't you is even more of a distraction that could make the reviewer decide not to proceed with reading your essay. You have too much unrelated backstory here. Now, if your family were in a water based business of sorts, then you could have this lengthy and boring backstory presentation. I used the term boring because your jewellery line does not relate to Coastal Science and therefore, will not be on interest to the reviewer. He will find it boring and irrelevant. He may decide you are applying for the wrong course right there and then and reject your application. If you do not make your connection within the first paragraph, your reviewer will not finish the application essay.

The idea behind this essay is to show a strong, deep, and motivational background for your desire to complete the MS studies. If you cannot include your family in the story, then do not include it. It deviates too much from the marine focus of your presentation, which is the most important part of the presentation. The first part, is totally superfluous to the specific requirements of this essay. Start from paragraph 3 onward. Those are the most relevant and applicable paragraphs in terms of prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Teachers should not make their social or political views known to students in the classroom. [4]

When a choice is given between two topics by the representation of the word "or" , the writer must opt to discuss only one of the two presentations in the essay. It will be best if you opt to discuss the topic that you are most knowledgeable about so that you can easily defend your stance within the 3 body paragraphs covering one fully discussed reason in every paragraph.

There is a difference between the social and political points of view. A social point of view refers to culture and traditions or evolving social beliefs of a country. While a political point of view is just that, all about politics as it relates to the current government handling of social concerns. These social concerns are political in nature as it refers to the wage gap, poverty discussion, employment, government policies and other similar topics. As you can see, the two topics deviate when it comes to topic coverage for discussion which is why you should only pick one or the other to discuss in the essay.

With regards to your work though, even though you discussed both topics in the essay, you represented your reasons strongly. Even the mistakes in grammar did not cause confusion for the reader so I think you could easily score a 4 with this essay. Of course there may be other scoring considerations on the part of the examiner that I may not know about so I scored you on a baseline consideration.

Graduate / Too Little time too many choices - Personal Statement for the MSC program [3]

Samruddhi, the essay has too much disconnection with the prompt requirements. All of the information that you should be presenting should focus only the information about the building of your interest in Coastal Science and Policy. So all of these backstories that are unrelated should be removed. You must kick off the story from the time you were exposed to the coastal problems at the age of 30. From there, the rest of the story falls into place. You don't have to do anything else to improve the essay because these experiences clearly relate to and respond to the prompt requirements. Don't worry about not filling 2 pages. As long as you fill one page to a page and a half, you will have effectively accomplished your goals already. The essay will be well informed and clearly depicting the development of your interest in the field. Remove the reference to the "I am writing this essay..." Just say that you have experience with a whale shark research team and so on and so forth. Needless to say, it is the last half of the original essay that actually hits the mark and can be used without revision.

Grammar, Usage / Need help with the grammar of some sentences from my sop [3]

Mengchen , since you did not post the full paragraphs that needed to be corrected, I am not sure if the corrections that will be applied to the sentences you indicated will be totally applicable and, if it will help to enhance the paragraph or not. Anyway, here are the most accurate corrections for your sentences (with possible presentation enhancements).

1. My love for health sciences was instilled in me as a child since I grew up surrounded by health professionals. Added to my love of Mathematics, these two interests combined to shape my career goal of becoming a health statistician.

2. I have been a volunteer at XXX as a backroom assistant in charge of appointment scheduling and patient data recording since December 2015.
3. Based upon my accumulated experiences, I can safely say that my interest in developing statistical methods and health sciences tools have cemented my desire to work in the statistical health science field for decades to come.

4. I have been actively pursuing self-studies in various computer languages such as Python, Java... along with theory of ... where I also studied calculus...as part of my future preparation.

5. Pursuing my Masters of Public Health in Biostatics at XXX will allow me to undergo a balanced multi-dimensional training experience.

Like I said, these are the most accurate corrections to your sentences that can be made, without my seeing the original paragraphs. You may want to consider our professional services for a more accurate review and applicable editing work on your current paper. That would be the best way to ensure that you will be submitting a perfect essay to the reviewer.

Scholarship / Statement of Purpose for Erasmus Mundus masters program in Materials Science [2]

Alao, your essay needs to be more focused on making you stand out as a candidate. At the moment, you are not really saying anything that makes your application remarkable or notable in the eyes of the scholarship reviewer. The participation that you had in various projects shows how you can work with a team but does not show any extra ordinary accomplishment that proves you have the mettle to be an outstanding scholar under the program. You need to do a lot of work on this motivation letter before it can be ready for use.

For starters, do not confuse the application with a presentation of how you were inspired to become a Civil Engineer. Instead, open the essay with information about the problems in construction that Nigeria faces, then connect that with the development of your interest in Material Science. You do not need to reestablish the development of your interest in Civil Engineering because you already established an advanced interest in that by your interest in the MSc program in Material Science.

After that, highlight your civil engineering participation in projects that have a material science relevance. All of the projects and explanations that you should be presenting in the essay must prove that you are inclined to become a successful civil engineer in the future with a focus on Material Science. It would be better for your application if you can explain how you plan to use material science to help improve the construction procedures or materials used in the creation of major infrastructure projects in Nigeria. That will help your essay to create a moment of interest and hopefully a memorable potential project for the reviewer.

Separate the discussion about your internship at the Ministry of works and your undergraduate research project. Make sure to lean towards the Materials Science discussion at all times, making sure that you stir interest in your materials science exposure as an intern. The undergraduate research project is not material science based so you should remove that from the essay. Focus only on proving your material science skills. Do not confuse the reviewer by throwing in Civil Engineering information every so often. That divides the attention and analysis of your application in the eyes of the reviewer.

Please present a 5 year career plan that does not include a reference to PhD studies. That paragraph deviated in focus and started issuing informaiton about your PhD interests, which is out of place in a MSc essay. Refer only to the MSc related information alone.

Your last 2 paragraphs should be more solid in development and presentation as part of your career goals, objectives, and plans. Your constant reference to your academic "accomplishments" as implied in the last paragraph is unnecessary. What you should be doing in this paragraph is presenting a discussion as to how your choice of university, program, and scholarship will help to propel the Nigerian infrastructure situation into the 21st century. That way, you can reiterate the importance of this scholarship to your desire to help your country become a better place to live in.

Graduate / We can only see a short distance ahead, but we can see plenty there that needs to be done. Statement [5]

Prabhjot , this is a well written statement of purpose. It is not a personal statement. Put a pin in this essay and set it aside for the moment when you are asked to write a statement of purpose for your PhD interests. The prompt instructions you were given comes across as pretty specific in its requirements. For this personal statement, you first have to think of what your 1 - 5 year career plans are. That is why the format of this personal statement is different from the average PS but not the same as an SOP.

In this case, you need to think of your short term plan, say 2 years after you graduate. What do you want to have accomplished in that span of time? How does that need to be accomplished? What specific classes or programs at the university will help you create the foundation for those plans? Then think of the next 3 years of your career. What is the ultimate goal that you have set for yourself that will lead into PhD studies eventually? Again, how will the university help you prepare for that eventuality? Classes, mentors, training, these are all part and parcel of your personal statement. As you explain your future career plans, make sure to tie these into a specific part of your current experience that shows how the masters courses will help you strengthen the current foundation that you have. Based on your current foundation, your future studies, and future plans, you should be able to develop a suitable personal statement for the given prompt.

Writing Feedback / I WANT BAND 8.0 - IELTS2 - FATHERHOOD IS AS MUCH IMPORTANT AS MOTHERHOOD. [2]

TRAN, I am very sad that you had a pretty good start to this essay with an almost acceptable prompt paraphrase, then you failed to properly indicate the discussion instruction of the essay. The mistake that you made is so clear, the examiner will be sure to give your TA consideration a failing score. Let me show you where the mistake lies by comparing the original prompt discussion instruction with the discussion instruction that you presented as your thesis statement:

Original Instruction: To what extent do you agree or disagree with the statement?
Your Discussion : This essay will discuss, firstly the important of fatherhood in nurturing children and secondly the necessary of sharing upbringing tasks in family by both parents, followed by a reasoned conclusion.

This is to be discussed as an "emotional" essay with only one point of view presented, discussed, and defended in your discussion essay. What you wrote was a comparison essay. Therefore, you have proven that while you understood what the topic is about, you did not understand the discussion instructions, which will result in a total failing score for the essay. You cannot be given a passing score for the rest of the scoring considerations when you did not manage to discuss the topic in the correct manner.

This being your first posting in this forum, I will not score the essay yet but I will tell you that this essay will not pass in an actual setting based upon the situation I presented above, It would be better if your familiarize yourself with the various methods of discussing the prompt instructions by reading the samples here. That should get you on track towards becoming familiar with the discussion types for the Task 2 essay.

By the way, when you present an emotional response, you should either strongly agree / disagree or partially, agree/disagree. Remember you need to pick one side and justify it in the discussion of the essay. If you use the term "partially" then you can discuss the essay in a comparison manner. You have to be specific about the strength of the opinion that you have in order to accurately respond to the prompt requirement.

Letters / Job Application for a part-time job [2]

Vishnu, the letter that you wrote is not properly developed. You only delivered the most specific prompt requirements as indicated in the list. You need to expand upon that presentation in order to make it more effective. For example:

To Whom It May Concern,

I am XXX, a current student at Oxford University who is in need of a part time job. I heard about your agency from XXX. It is upon his recommendation that I am eager to become part of your data base. I have work experience as a food delivery person at McDonald's and I am a licensed driver. Being a full time student though, I am only available to work part time in the afternoons starting at 2 PM on-wards. I have attached my resume to this letter in order to familiarize you with my other talents and skills that you may find employable. I would like to highlight a few of my strengths as worker for your consideration:

(bullet points listing of strengths and applicable training)
I trust that my talents and skills will make me highly employable in today's part time job market. I do not doubt that your company has the ability to match my skills with the perfect employer. You may contact me at XXXXXXX in case you need additional information or have a potential job for me to interview for.

With much thanks,
XXXX

Writing Feedback / Trying new things and taking risks is the cornerstone of success [2]

Mo, are you preparing for an IELTS test? The response essay that you wrote sounds like it. I wish you had provided the original prompt statement as is required of all the students who participate in this forum. That way I would be able to help you improve your work in a specific manner, applicable to the purpose you wrote the essay for. At this moment, I can only give you a general review of your essay based upon format considerations rather than content.

For starters, I can point out that your opening paraphrase may be inconsistent with the original prompt. That is because it does not feel like you are restating the original prompt at all. Instead, it seems like you are beginning the discussion in a manner that does not consider the original prompt presentation. Instead, you are giving an original introduction without actually informing the reviewer about the original prompt information.

All of your paragraphs are composed of more than 5 sentences, which is the maximum allowable per paragraph. That is because you are discussing the information in great and specific detail instead of summarizing your discussion in a manner that will prove your ability to make yourself understood in English using short but completely developed thought presentations in every paragraph.

When you present example information, do not say that you witnessed something when nothing could be further from the truth. The information you presented is based on your father's experience. Therefore, you should say that the reason you are discussing the information is because of your father's experience in a similar scenario. It is not that you witnessed what your father did in as much as you heard about it from your father. So be clear, you did not witness is, you heard about it.

It would be beneficial to your essay if you do not use such specific information such as percentages and including sources of the information. That connotes that you had to do research when completing the paper. You won't have the ability to complete the essay in the testing center in that manner, so you should not get used to doing that during the practice tests. Stick to popular information, your personal experience, or the experience of those around you in order to deliver a strong presentation instead.

Your concluding statement comes in strong, but I am not sure if it delivers all of the necessary summary points, just as I am not sure that your discussion is on point regarding the prompt requirements. Maybe you can include the original prompt when you write your next practice test. I should be able to review that essay in a more relevant manner when that time comes.

Writing Feedback / The general picture and percentage about weight of residents who live in Charlestown in 1955 & 2015 [3]

Carol, the information in this chart is incomplete and inaccurate. It does not properly inform the reader, neither does it represent the percentages as marked in the charts. The overall presentation does not qualify itself as a reliable representation or report based upon the given chart information. In the opening summary, a number of important information is not represented. The missing information can be listed as follows:

1. Type of chart presented
2. Measurements used
3. Information represented by the measurements
4. Trending statement
5. Discussion instruction

You will not get a good score in the C&C portion as your paragraph sentences are inconsistent. You need to present at least 3 sentences consistently per paragraph. You vary from 2 -3 and that is unacceptable. It is important to have a uniform presentation that represents the type of analysis that you used to represent the chart information. The comparisons need to be on a year to year basis per paragraph in order for the analytical report to have been presented in an accurate form.

Since this is the first essay that you have posted for Task 1 in this forum, you may wish to look at the other examples here, just to get an idea of how to best represent your succeeding test essays. By the way, please make sure to include the complete prompt requirement the next time you post an essay for review so that I can offer you a more direct and relevant review of your work. What I have given you at this point is just a general review as it applies to the superficial presentation. I have not reviewed the information you presented because you did not include the original prompt and that is normally what I use as the basis for the content review of the essay.

Scholarship / Do a good dead, stand up and lead [2]

Ahmed , I believe that the first 2 paragraphs are on point in reference to the first 2 questions of the essay. However, the third response, that is where you went off the path. It doesn't really tell me why you want to give back to your community. It is at this portion of the essay that you should be discussing who the current community role models are in your area and how they have influenced your mindset and understanding of what it means to be a leader. The motivation to give back to your community should be based upon the influence of the community to develop your desire to become a future leader. It should be founded on the work of community leaders before you whose work you have come to understand and emulate in your quest to develop as a leader. Develop a more precise response to the motivation question. One that shows how your community has helped you become an amateur leader and whose potential as a future leader is related to your desire to help elevate the status of your community. At the moment, that response is vague and not really in line with the information that could be expected as a response to such a question.

Graduate / Creating the next Apple Siri - SoP for CMU MS in Language Technologies [2]

Vijender , the statement of purpose must be more professional and less personal in presentation. Your current presentation is not focused on presenting your professional qualifications for the course because you have integrated personal points of view about unrelated information into the paper. It would be best if you focus on selling yourself professionally alone in this paper because, that is the whole point if a statement of purpose.

The first paragraph must clearly indicate what plans you have for your future in this field. You did not really represent a solid reason for your desire to pursue continued education in this field. The primary motivation needs to be more than just academic in reason, it has to have a forward thinking presentation as to how such studies will help you to contribute to the development of AI Language in the future. An intention is acceptable. An intention with a course of action presented in terms of professional and academic growth with the intention becoming a reality at the end of all the academic training would be even better. Make that clear in a dedicated paragraph somewhere in the essay.

You have presented numerous projects in this essay, but not a single one shows your potential to create a breakthrough in the field. You should present your most successful projects by presenting not only what you learned from the experience, but also, how the project succeeded in doing something remarkable in the end. Reviewers will only be impressed by these projects, at this level of study, if you can prove that these have useful real world applications and that it won you some sort of recognition from your peers, professors, or mentor that you collaborated with on the project. That makes the undertaking noteworthy in the eyes of the reviewer. As a masters degree student, the purpose should be supported by real world accomplishments in the related fields. It should not merely be a listing of the classes that were of interest to you or that you took because of your interest in the field. If you did not graduate with honors and recognition in this area from your college studies, then you were merely another student who graduated. Running down the list of classes you took will not accomplish much.

Your extra curricular activities should be placed in the personal statement, so the student placement coordinator paragraph should be removed. This essay is solely about proving that your purpose is supported by your previous training and work experience.

The internship as an application developer should be further enhanced as part of your professional experience, provided the university accepts internships as work hours in a professional setting. What did you accomplish during that time? Don't focus on the description of the company, focus on selling the reviewer on the idea that you were a vital member of the internship pool at that time. Accomplishments are vital to the application.

The person you worked with from Cornell, is he giving you a recommendation letter? It is not advisable to mention names in a statement of purpose as part of your work presentation if he isn't going to do that. Normally, the reviewer will want to verify the information with the professor so, unless he specifically gave you permission to use his name, discuss the work experience only and what was accomplished during that time.

There are 2 vital components missing from your statement of purpose. The first, is your explanation as to why you chose this university to study in. Programs, mentor opportunities, or internship / work exposure are vital to this choice and must be discussed in detail. Second, what is the plan for after you graduate? How will the masters degree from the university make it easier for you to achieve these goals?

These observations, when applied to your revised essay will make it stronger, more informative, and allow you to present yourself in the strongest light to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / The development of photography has changed the way people see the world. (Causal Effect Analysis) [2]

Joseph, what exactly is the point of the cause and effect essay? If you don't come up with a proper thesis statement for your opening paragraph, you won't be able to create an interesting paper. What is the cause and what is the effect(s) that will be discussed in the essay? What is your proposed discussion topic? I don't really see the point of this paper. It is just a discussion that keeps going around in circles without really presenting a clear cause or effect. You may want to outline your possible discussion topics before you proceed with the research. Figuring out what you want to discuss first, then working on how to present the discussion will also help you to find more appropriate sources for the essay. At the moment, the single reference you have doesn't have much supporting information and does not really respond to a particular need in the prompt for it to be given a highlight in this paper. Reconsider the topics for discussion, figure out how you want to present it, then outline the paper first. That is the only way you will be able to figure out what the remaining 5 sources should be for your paper.

Letters / Writing a letter of recommendation for one of my employees. [4]

The content of the letter is too broad to represent the impression of only one supervisor on the job for a particular person. That is the biggest problem that the letter has. This is also a problem that can be easily fixed by editing the content of the paper into the proper manner. First of all, you must identify yourself as a member of the company Oscar works for, the capacity that you work in at the company, a definite explanation of the time frame and work duties that you interacted with Oscar on (by the way, introduce Oscar by his full name and from that points on, address him as Mr.XXX throughout the letter). He may have started at the company when he was 16 but that does not mean that you have dealt with him since then. Honesty is the best policy in a recommendation letter. Remember, you may be asked to attest to the veracity of the letter in a verbal interview. Focus your letter only within the time frame within which you had direct physical contact or observable instances of interaction with Oscar.

Actually, this does not sound like you are writing it for Oscar, it sounds like you are writing it for yourself. After all, your name is Oscar Morales. That is something I caught on to not only because of the way that you are named after the person you are supposedly writing the letter for, but also because you covered way too much information that only a person who has intimate, instead of professional knowledge about the person, can provide. If I saw through this, imagine how the person who is going to sign off on this letter will suffer at the hands of the interviewer when he is asked to confirm this information. This is a letter that will be seen immediately as a lie by the reviewer and this could end your chances of getting a student slot at the university. The reviewers are trained to spot fake recommendation letters, so don't even try it.

Revise the letter to cover only the information I advised you to include above. That is your best bet at getting this letter confirmed as an authentic letter and also, allowing the person who will be interviewed to not be caught in a lie during a possible verification interview.

Undergraduate / "Why Cornell" Essay - Cosmology and Quantum Theory [6]

Isabella , maybe leave out the reference to the zombie cat at the start? It doesn't sound like it relates to your complex interests in Cosmology and Quantum Theory. The diamond planet sounds more interesting and related to the presentation though. You can open with that reference instead. Maybe you can add a sentence at the end that humorously explains how these interests brought you to the steps of Cornell CAS as well. That way you immediately connect your interests with the university. Now, for each reference that you present, immediately relate that to some specific department at Cornell. Don't wait till the last paragraph to make everything come together. You want to make sure that the reviewer knows some specific and related information the minute his scans your essay. That way, you have a better chance of having him thoroughly read your paper. Paragraphs 5 and 6 both start with the same word; "Likewise". Try to not create a redundancy in the presentation even though it is in 2 separate but succeeding paragraphs. Start one with "Likewise" then start the next one with , "In addition to that..." or something similar.

Graduate / My appetite for designing led me for this program - CMU Product design [2]

Yashwanth, this is not a statement of purpose. This is a personal statement. What this essay shows is the development of your interest in the field of Product Design. It does not show your purpose for an interest in higher academic learning in relation to the practice of your profession. The statement of purpose has one goal in mind, to show the progression of your career from past, to present, to future. This essay is steeped in the past and present without a career look at your future. The presentation is not relevant because you are not writing the essay based upon proper guide questions, and you are not really focused on presenting a specific topic for development as the purpose for the masters course. Don't get me wrong, there are a number of paragraphs that you can use as the platform for your revision.

I would suggest keeping paragraphs 2,3,4,5,6. However, I see that you have a number of notable projects to share in this essay so it would be in your best interest to choose the most successful project that you participated in or led, and inform the reviewer about what kind of recognition this brought to you as a student or professional. You need to only present the most impressive project because presenting multiple projects, which don't really highlight your participation or the end result of it, will promote reader boredom on the side of the reviewer.

Since you have a basis for the revision, you will need to do something pretty specific in order to create a more appropriate statement of purpose. Forget that you your purpose for enrollment is the fact that you love your job and can't get enough information about it. What the reviewer needs to know is if all this learning has any applicability in your professional life.

Tell the reviewer about your current career, how you perform in it, and why you think a masters degree is required at this point. Think about where you are at this point in time in your career. Would you say you are at a crossroad? If so, why? How will studying this course affect your near future career? Why will these studies improve your participation in the field? If yes, then how? Why did you choose this university in particular? Why do you think that this university can take you to the next level of professionalism in this line of work? These are some basic questions that could represent your purpose for studies. You should find yourself better explaining the purpose as you progress with the revision of the essay.

Undergraduate / HKU Personal Statement - Journalism [3]

Julie, your essay is indecisive and portrays a high school senior at a crossroads who has not really made up her mind about her future yet. It is one thing to be a journalist, it is another thing to be a photojournalist. Which one do you hope to be in the future? Since you keep on inserting your love for photography in the essay, you should not be focusing on developing the presentation as a potential journalist alone. I suggest that you opt to present yourself as a future photojournalist instead. That way, you can write about the stories that come with the photos that you take. The choice of profession will also make that multiple city trip with accompanying photos and interviews relevant to the presentation. This adjustment will also make the anecdote about you being called "camera girl" relevant to the overall presentation. You do not show a familiarity with the journalism program of HKU. Look into the classes in journalism and photography that you can combine into a personal photojournalism curricula. That should help you respond in a more revealing manner to the prompt requirement, as well as, inform the Admissions Tutor about the kind of curricula you will be pursuing as a student at HKU.

Writing Feedback / Urban areas have more crimes. Direct question essay. [7]

SG, this is an improvement over the last direct question practice test but you still have problems when it comes to prompt paraphrasing, sentence development, and paragraph presentations. There is a tendency for you to still present half developed sentences and improperly structured sentences. Let's get started in addressing these problems.

I always tell the students, when you paraphrase, you have to present only information contained in the original prompt. This is so that you can prove that you fully understood the prompt and have the ability to represent the original discussion in your own manner and wording. That does not include introducing information that is not included as a factual presentation in the original. Therefore, opening the essay by saying "Crime issues have been in society..." is improper and should not have been presented. A more appropriate representation would have been:

The percentage of lawlessness across the globe proves to be greater in metropolitan places rather than in the provincial locations. Some people think that this is because of the higher population in the first area when compared to the second. As such, there may not be enough police around to enforce the law in the urbanized areas. Therefore, additional foot patrols or perhaps, the addition of closed circuit cameras in strategic places can help to prevent illegal activities.

You don't just present a prompt restatement, you have to expand upon its presentation in an informative manner when creating the opening paragraph in a direct question essay. Once you become comfortable using synonyms in a proper manner, you should be able to create more informative paragraphs using impressive lexical resources.

Try to avoid using word fillers such as additionally, whereas, further, thus, and other similar words. While these are useful in adding to your word count, it does nothing to help enhance your presentation in the paragraph. Be factual and direct to the point. That way you show confidence in your written work. The word fillers are usually used as place holders while you decide upon what you really want to say. That is more acceptable in a casual essay rather than an academic one.

Make sure that your sentences always have a clear subject represented. In the following sentence, the lack of a subject creates an unclear presentation:

Even if they determined to do so, the national forces would arrest them eventually.

Who is determined?

The word "thus" is a connecting word and as such, cannot be used to start a sentence. the proper structure for the sentence in question is:

... reconsider the settlement, thus, less dense areas with a lower population in countryside resulting fewer crimes.

You are getting better at your logic and reasoning but the presentation is still flawed. More sentence structure practice tests are still in order for you. Don't worry though, you are continuously showing improvement in your work. You will be ready for the actual test soon enough.

Undergraduate / Lost in Canada - Harvard essay; unexpected situations that happened in my life [3]

Isabella, since you have already mentioned See and Skylight Club in other parts, with greater detail in other common app essays, you should avoid mentioning it again in this presentation. It is always best not to duplicate information because each essay needs to portray something new and interesting about you, regarding something new. This is a written interview and, since you would want to avoid being repetitive in an actual interview, so should you in a written essay. Specially when a written essay tends to get more redundant than a physical interview.

Now, the essay that you present is good for a creative writing class, it is not effective as an open topic essay. Truth be told, I could not decipher what unusual circumstance there was in your life in this essay. It is not really an unusual circumstance for you to get lost in the city as a tourist. The situation of worry and panic are normal when a stranger is being looked after by others in a strange country. This is not an unusual circumstance at all.

The unusual circumstance should cover something about say, some situation that could prevent your admission to Harvard as a regular student. Maybe you have the grades to qualify but lack the financial support from your parents to attend Harvard. Or, you were born with a health issue that you had to overcome or a health issue that might prevent you from becoming a regularly active student in the Harvard community. Maybe you are a social justice warrior who has some eccentricities that the Harvard community might need to adjust to or get used to. Think of something unique in terms of situations that may have an effect on your Harvard application. That is more aligned with the prompt expectations for a college application.

Undergraduate / Does My Essay Fulfill the Requirements Given: Essay Topic B Apply Texas [4]

Leslie, you the inner pessimist in your was right. You failed to properly address the task requirements. There is no identity, interest, or talent being shared here that could be of notable mention nor impression in any way. The prompt is meant to beef up your application, not tear it down. The way you wrote this essay, it is almost as if you want to lose out on an opportunity to impress the reviewer. You have successfully told the reviewer not to consider your application in the process. Why on earth would you want the reviewer to know the negatives about you instead of the positives? No reviewer in his right mind will consider this application based upon the defeatist attitude that you have presented in a very detailed form in this essay. I really don't know what possessed you to do this. I would not recommend that you submit this essay at all. That is, unless you seriously want to lose out on the student slot consideration or have your application rejected during the final round of considerations. That is, if you even get that far.

When you revise this essay and yes, by revise, I mean write a totally new essay, you will need to consider some other factors in order to properly address the prompt. Think of some achievements that you have had in the realm of the extra curricular, hobbies, or special interests for the main topic. For instance, if you want to discuss your writing talent, then connect that to some sort of recognition that you received in the past. This is your one chance to impress the reviewer with a talent, skill, or background information that is not covered by the other common app prompts. Don't squander it by presenting such a depressing essay. The tone must be hopeful and upbeat at all times. Don't depress the reviewer, he needs a pick me upper of an essay since he has to read hundreds of these per day.

Graduate / Personal Statement for LSHTM - MSc Int Health and Tropical Med [3]

Christi, your response to the first prompt is so long winded, it takes more than 50% of the page to read and it still does not properly represent the motivation that you have for your interest in this course. The autobiography that you read is useless in this presentation since it was not the major seed that planted your motivation to study infectious diseases. In fact, it is a mere afterthought in the sense of your presentation so it would be best not to present that at all. What you should be discussing, is when you were first exposed to infectious diseases. What was the situation? How did you feel at the time? What interested in the subject then? How would you like to change the course of treatment of the patients in the future? Do you have any other reason that you would like to use as part of the reasons as to why you wish to study this course? This is the motivation portion of the presentation. So be bold and discuss actual motivations beyond the autobiography. Use the information about working in the rural provincial hospital. Develop that presentation to show a clear foundation of your interest in this field, then relate it to the results of your enlightenment after attending the SA AIDS Conference.

The reasons you have for applying to the school are very vague. So vague that even after repeated readings, I have not yet uncovered the reason why you chose this university in particular. There is no deep sense of connection between you and the university offerings or capabilities to train the students except the shallow and narrow focus that you present. We need you to go deeper into the presentation. Show a familiarity with the course curriculum, the professors, or even the training programs. Something that shows the reviewer that you did your homework and you are prepared to do the work as required of the masters degree students at the university.

When you discuss your career objectives. You must first present the information about what your future career plans are. After you explain your plans, that is the only time when you can add information about how the training you will receive at the university will help you achieve these career goals. Don't discuss in terms of what you hope to learn and how you hope to apply it. Instead, tell the reviewer what the plans are for your future, and how the training assures you of successfully dealing with the plans that you have. It is not a case of "I will be" but rather "I am going to", the latter being a statement of conviction and belief in oneself in relation to your chosen masters major.

Scholarship / NTU scholarship essay: Write a short essay on a subject of personal importance to you (class) [3]

Tran, while I can understand why you would consider the class an important thing in your life, it does not offer the reviewer an insight into why this subject is important. Everything that you discuss is based on a collective achievement and the leadership of someone else. Therefore, the personal importance aspect of the story disappears. What you should be sharing in this essay is a topic that covers one of the following:

1. Personal principle development
2. Sense of worth ethic
3. Importance of free will
4. Your ability to make personal decisions
5. Other related topics

The choices above are the "personal importance" topics that best showcase the requirement of the essay, which is to introduce your beliefs about life, society, or social justice in a manner that is connected with your personal development. While this essay does indicate a topic of importance, it is a collective, instead of individual importance that is presented and as such, weakens your discussion points.

Graduate / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE (SOP) FOR MS IN CS - PASSION IN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE [2]

@impatient101 It would be better if you reverse the presentation of your essay to align with the numbered prompt representations. The numbered prompts indicate the order in which the reviewer expects to read the information so it will facilitate the writing and reading of your presented information. You can do away with the presentation about the cultural expectations of women in Nepal since it does not coincide with any prompt requirements. Just keep the essay focused on the 3 required elements for discussion.

Your area of research is not really specific. It feels like you do not have a real research goal in mind since you are indicating the various applications of Deep Learning rather than its specific application as you have it in mind. Think outside of the box. Imagine where you could go based upon your current and soon to be added knowledge. Think of how you see Deep Learning being applied in the future within your line of work and then use that to portray your research goal. What do you think you need to learn in order to make that goal a reality? Discuss that in the paragraph as clearly as you can.

As for your future academic plans, you really present that in a developed manner in the essay. However, the career plans are incomplete. Try to think of where you see your career headed immediately upon graduation. After that, think one or two years down the line, imagining how successful you will already be by then and then relate that you your description of your PhD study requirements. That will make your future plans presentation more interesting.

With regards to your previous education, training, and work experience, all I read about is the academic preparation. If the university will consider an internship as part of your professional experience, then you should make sure to present that in order to prove that you have the proper training and relevant work experience in the field. right now, I cannot say that you are really prepared, with a solid academic foundation to complete these studies because you can only defend the academic preparation and nothing more.

Graduate / My interest in marketing. Personal Statement for applying a marketing master programme [3]

徐嘉莹 , you have included information in this essay about political science and how it ignited your interest in marketing. However, there is nothing in your presented information that tells me that the two different fields are actually related in terms of your career goals. In order to create a more solid personal statement, you need to inform the reviewer if you are in the process of changing career fields at the moment and if you are moving from politics to marketing, explain what motivated this change in your career plans.

An accurate experience plan presentation should not involve academic situations such as food festivals and Girl's Day. It should only involve company internships where you can prove that you contributed significantly to the success of a project. In your company internship presentation, you depict how you work with a team, but don't really highlight an individual contribution that received some sort of thanks or accolade from your team leader or company supervisor. That is extremely important to the proof that you have the professional foundation for this course. Try to revise your presentation to showcase something similar instead.

With regards to what you can contribute to the class, try to discuss a little more about how your political background will enhance the marketing discussion. This is your chance to prove that though marketing and politics seem to make for strange bedfellows, these do have a commonality that bonds the two interests into one.

The future plans need to more solid in future application rather than what you hope to gain from your lessons in the master class. The question is about how you will apply these lessons to your future career, not what you plan to learn and apply. Talk about future career plans in a solid manner in order to show the kind of impact these studies will make on your future.

Scholarship / Erasmus Mundus Scholarship Peronal Statement - Global Market, Local Creativity Master Program [2]

Eda , The personal statement can be shortened if you focus more on the important information rather than writing an autobiography. You see, the personal statement should only signify a number of pertinent information that relates to your preparations for the masters program and also, the motivation behind it. Therefore, a large portion of the information you provided will not be useful in this essay, but will be useful in the statement of purpose. It would be best if you revise the content of your essay as follows.

1. Relate the exposure that enticed you into this field at the age of 13. Make sure to clarify that the influence of your mother and her struggles are what drove you to learn more about this field and pushed you major in this field as a college student.

2. Describe your first experience as a professional in the field. What was your most memorable experience that you would consider to be a motivating factor for you to pursue higher studies? As a business owner, what problems have you encountered in terms of globalization that you hope to overcome with this masters study? This should also help to illustrate your preparedness to take this course through previous internships and other related professional exposure.

3. Illustrate which parts of the Erasmus Mundus program appeals to you in relation to your masters choice. Discuss specific GLOCAL opportunities that you plan to take advantage of and why or how it relates to your motivation. How will these activities heighten your participation in your field? Consider networking and other business channel opportunities in your response.

4. Use the paragraph referencing how the 3 countries you will study in will help you become a better business person. Remember, always relate the reasoning back to your primary motivation. Create a secondary motivation for presentation if necessary.

5. Close the essay with your career goals. the graduation plans should be presented in the statement of purpose instead.

Undergraduate / Life-defining time. Describe the highlights of your most outstanding achievements or contributions [3]

Boon, personally, I would not recommend that you use this essay for your application because there is nothing within the 2 presentations that would be considered and outstanding achievement or contribution. These are only so-so activities that you participated in. You did not lead in the presentation of a project, or participated in something important that would showcase a particular ability or trait of yours as a person or as a student. It simply does not stand out in its presentation of information because the topics you have chosen are weak to begin with.

This type of prompt looks for information about areas of academic or non-academic participation (extra curricular) where you excel performance-wise. The first essay only talks about how you participated in a group undertaking. The second one, talks about something so early in your education that it cannot even be considered a notable event at this point. Then you under develop your discussion of the possibly notable achievements you have in terms of academics. So you cannot use either of the two topics for the prompt.

In order to write this essay properly, you need to think of a time during your academic or extra curricular activities when you were given some sort of recognition or honor for an exceptional thing that you did at the time. If you want to have a baseline for your revision, I suggest that you think about the Academic Achievement Award you received or perhaps. the best performance in modules recognition. Those are the two best bets as a response to this essay. Pick one, the one that you think is most notable and you can fully describe as a highlight in the essay.

Graduate / My motivation for attending the Embedded Computing Systems Programme [4]

Nelly, this is an extremely long essay for a motivation letter. This should not be more than 5 paragraphs long because the motivation letter is supposed to just summarize the development of your interest, and what you hope to achieve, by studying this course. As the prompt says, show that you are amply motivated to complete the course. This is best done by focusing on the reason behind your application. Think about and present the following information:

1. When did your interest start?
2. How did you pursue and continue to pursue this interest?
3. What interests you most about this field of work at the moment?
4. How do you hope to contribute to this field of work or study?
5. What motivated you to apply to this university?

I have given you 5 guide questions representing the 5 paragraphs for the motivation letter. I hope that you can use the guides in revising your essay. What you wrote is too long and combines information for a personal statement and statement of purpose, which is why it cannot be used as a motivational letter.

Writing Feedback / Many countries invest a lot of money on art or on public services and facilities. What do you think? [3]

Qi Ji, everything about this essay presentation is going to make it fail. You failed to offer a proper prompt paraphrase and you did not clearly discuss the topic points of view and personal opinion in the essay. The whole essay is confusing and does not make sense. Let me start with the first problem in your essay, the first paragraph also known as the paraphrase statement.

To start off, you should never use a slash mark to indicate a choice of words in your essay. You must be decisive and confident in your word choice so that you only use one word to describe what you mean in the essay. You lose points for being apprehensive about your word choice as that removes the academic tone and presentation of your paragraph. It is also important that you learn the true use of the opening statement, that is, to prove that you understood the topic and instructions for the discussion by stating it again for the examiner in your own words. That is not what you did in this opening statement you presented. Here is a representation of a more effective opening paraphrase:

Countries have been known to allot a large part of their budget for the promotion of artistry. However, there are a number of people who believe that the money allotted to arts should be redirected towards social needs and requirements instead. This essay will discuss this topic by presenting reasons for both points of view. I will also be offering my own opinion regarding the topic towards the end of the essay presentation.

Do not use grammar identifications such as (adj.) in the presentation. That is unnecessary. The examiner knows what to look for in terms of your word usage and presentation. That makes it look like you are lecturing the examiner, which you should not be doing since you cannot know better than the person administering the test.

There are major problems with your sentence presentation, structure, and word usage. It would be best if you do not write essays yet because the mistakes in your presentation show that you do not have even a basic control of English grammar, usage, and development. Which means that the paragraphs are not coherent, does not make sense, and is not presenting itself in a manner that the reader can understand. These are the main reasons why this essay is not going to get even close to a passing score in an actual setting. Try to develop your basic English written skills first, then try to write simple essay sentences. I hope you are not planning to take the IELTS test any time soon because this essay makes it very obvious that you are nowhere near prepared to take this all too important English test.

I will stop reviewing your essay at this point because it it pointless to show you the other mistakes when you have a serious writing problem to address first. Fix the sentence presentations first then we can move on to working on the other important errors in your write. Right now, it would be useless to do that.