Undergraduate / The idealist perspective. Why do you think Earlham is a good fit for you? [4]

Khusel, you don't really make a clear connection between the programs that Earlham offers in relation to why the university is a perfect fit for you. In this case, you need to pick one of the interdisciplinary academic centers of the university and then relate your interests, such as being an idealist, to that academic center. Do some deeper research into the university. The discussion about the Colab center is really interesting and offers you, as the student, a clear path towards learning. Pick one of the labs to discuss as being a perfect fit for you based upon what you have read. Since you have not been able to visit the university, it will be best to try to create a personal connection between what you have read and why it makes the university a good fit for you. The story about you being an idealist will only be relevant if you can somehow connect it to one of the 3 major academic offerings of the university. I hope you can find that connection in order to create a better "fit" essay for your application.

Undergraduate / 'I was never truly exposed to poverty' UBC Undergraduate Entrance Essay [3]

Philip, the story that you shared is indeed enlightening. However, the last part, about how it taught you something about yourself and the world around you is not as remarkable a statement as it should be. The lessons learned on your part are pretty much run of the mill and common in almost all of the essays that will be submitted for this prompt. It would be better if you try to highlight the part about you helping others as best as you can instead. That is a more interesting response to the prompt in terms of lessons learned about yourself and the world around you. Simply saying that you don't take your life for granted anymore after that experience isn't really going to stand out while the reviewer reads the essay. We need a more relevant and significant statement in that particular portion in order to make the essay more interesting for the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Overcoming Is Growing/ Global UGRAD Program: Why would you be a valuable attendant? [3]

Grettel, let's try to split the focus of the essay. While I agree that your story is highly moving and should definitely make you a contender for a scholarship slot, there is a missing aspect to this essay. The missing aspect is, according to the criteria of the scholarship, how you can be an inspiration to others or work with others who are members of the scholarship program to bring a unique, enlightening, and learning experience during the semester. You can easily accomplish that task within your essay by discussing how you have served as an inspiration to those who know you, those who get to know you, and those who just see you in the school. All because you have learned to overcome adversity and turn it not into an enemy, but a challenge that allows you to overcome any obstacle and succeed where others believe you will fail. By creating a little drama in your essay, it should stand out more and be memorable enough for final consideration.

Scholarship / My friend is always the one who gives big impact to my life. (NTU scholarship application) [4]

Tennor, refocus the content of your essay discussion. Rather than presenting your friend in this stand alone manner, discuss him in a manner that constantly relates to you instead. That is because the essay needs to see the direct relationship that your development as a person had on your personality. Therefore, the reviewer needs to know what kind of person you were before you met your friend. What were your weaknesses and strengths? Were you a good or bad person? Then discuss how you met this person and how he positively affected your life. Discuss the improvements that you found yourself evolving into based on his influence. Make sure that the direct relevance of his wise words or your emulation of his actions made you a better person. You will have to write a totally new essay but I assure you that it will be well worth the 300 newly developed sentences that you will be writing.

Graduate / WORKING WITH AUTISTIC CHILDREN. SLP Graduate Program Essay! [11]

Maura, although it is a bit confusing, the fact that you have stood up for your advocacy is clear in the essay. What is not clear, is what your long term plans after graduate school might be. Try to balance the presentation of both the advocacy and the long range career plans on a 50/50 basis. The best way to approach this essay would be to present your personal background (without the advocacy yet) that led you to the door of SLP first. Then follow it up with your academic pursuit of this line, keeping up the pace by then presenting your current professional role that could segue into your long term plans of say 1-5 years. Finally, close the essay with the advocacy explanation. That way the statement will follow a more logical discussion on paper and limit your unfocused discussion of your advocacy as it is currently presented. There is actually something very familiar with the topics presented here for discussion. Have you submitted parts of this essay to another university before? Please answer me honestly because the validity of your discussion in the eyes of the reviewer rests on the originality of the content of your paper.

Essays / Rochester Supplement on applying my powers to 'things needed to be done.' [6]

Falaq, while the examples above are good as references, I am afraid that you might accidentally copy what the other students have already done because you do not understand the prompt very well. So what I will do here is try to explain the prompt to you in a manner that you can refer it to your own family life in an effort to show how you "do things" for the betterment of your family .

In your family, think of a time when the members of your family were faced with a seemingly insurmountable problem How did you help the family overcome it? Or maybe, think of a time when you were being asked to do something by your parents which you did not really want to do but were forced to do because they told you that "You can do this." and it turns out that when you did it, your family was able to accomplish something better with your help. Something like, your family member being ill and then you had to help take care of the sick person in order to allow your other family members to be able to do other things. Think of something that you did which helped the family. That is the bottom line of that essay.

I suggest that you go with the family aspect of discussing the prompt because both the examples above already refer to the community. Since you want your essay to stand out when the reviewer considers your work, you should opt to write about a different topic than everyone else.

Essays / How to write an essay in World Poverty - answering some questions [3]

Jimi, the topic of "World Poverty" is too broad for a 10 page essay. Hasn't your professor advised you to narrow down your topic yet? It is important that you lessen your discussion field in order for you to properly be able to assess the relevant information that you need for the essay. "World Poverty" isn't something that can be discussed in 10 pages. Rather, it is something that requires a masters degree thesis to even introduce as a topic. I strongly suggest that you narrow down your research topic to represent a more narrowed down research paper. Please refer to:

Joseph Rowntree Foundation 100 Questions: identifying research priorities for poverty prevention and reduction

online as a possible aid in narrowing down your research topic. It offers you a series of discussion questions to be responded to in the research you will be doing. That means that your topic will not only be narrowed down, but you will also have a series of guide questions to help you get started with your research.

Undergraduate / BU Transfer Essay- "the objectives" - The Shot [3]

Gabriella, your being rejected from NYU is not an issue in this case. In fact, bringing it up is not something that will reflect well once your credentials are considered. If you notice, the rejection from NYU doesn't factor into any of the transfer documents that you are submitting to BU. Therefore, your current essay is not really relevant for its purpose. The only reasons that a reviewer will want to read in this response are the following:

1. Your personal or academic reasons for transferring
2. The reasons why you feel that the transfer to BU is the only solution to your dissatisfaction with your current academic set up.
3. Why and how you hope to perform better as a BU student.

Those are the only reasons you have to explain in your essay. Your GPA discussion is irrelevant because you will be considered not based upon your explanation of your grades but rather, the results in your transcript of records. Therefore, no amount of explanation about the grades on your part will matter.

You should keep this essay for a relevant supplemental prompt instead. I believe that this essay will work better to explain your desire to attend BU, but not in the transfer reasons essay. I am sure the opportunity for you to discuss NYU and Bu being your first choice school in the past will come up. You just have to wait for the right time to discuss it. Now, isn't the right time.

Scholarship / Epog program; I understand the need of education in reaching my ultimate goals [8]

Dina, if you cannot further develop the quote from Michelle Obama, then it is best if you do not use it at all in the essay. It is misplaced in the overall format and does not really tie in smoothly with the rest of the essay that you wrote. It is just a single sentence that does not really play a supporting role in the essay so instead of using the quote, it would be better if you just allow the essay to fall into place the way that it does, in a smooth manner, when the quote is not there. In the closing remarks of your essay, you have to make reference to how the education you will receive will help you to better approach the problems that your country has. To be more specific, you should come up with a specific problem to focus on resolving through this masters education that you will be receiving. Right now, there is a lack of focus on the specific problem that you want to address through your studies. If you can present the problem and relate it to the education that you will be receiving and how these will all tie together upon your return your country, then the essay will become more informative and possibly stand out from the other essays in the roster of applicants.

Undergraduate / 5th December: The day that I will never forget. [5]

One thing that you should never do is try to pre-empt the content of your common app essays because doing so will result in misdirected discussions and unclear paragraph developments such as you have done here. I do not advice that any of my students develop essay prompts for themselves in an effort to save themselves time. If your university of interest does not have an open topic or supporting essay prompt, then your work will be useless and you will find yourself constantly trying to make this essay that you wrote for no reason, fit the prompt requirements of the actual prompts.

If you really desire to use this essay, which I doubt you will be able to use, then you should work on this in the manner of a personal statement. That is because the personal statement allows you to discuss the development of your interest in your particular major using events from your personal life. Now, if you can tell me what your major will be in college, we can probably pick out the topics for discussion which will be relevant to a generalized personal statement for a specific university.

Scholarship / The vital role of aid assistance. Draft essay for an Australian Award Scholarship [7]

Bona, the content of the essay is already relevant to the application prompt. So, in my opinion, you do not have to do any more editing in terms of content. It is enough that you at least have some hypothetical situations presented as to how you plan to use the new knowledge that you will be acquiring upon your return to Cambodia. There is a clear post study plan indicated so the scholarship committee will appreciate that. However, you have not paid particular attention to the way that you developed your work in terms of grammar accuracy. You will need to review your essay for proper noun presentation. Keep in mind that all nouns related to people, places, and things always have to be capitalized. You failed to that in a few instances in this essay. So you have to review the essay for possible grammar inaccuracies such as the capitalization problems. So far, that is the only problem that I have seen in the essay. Once you correct those problematic words, the essay can already be used with the rest of your applications requirements.

Undergraduate / 5th December: The day that I will never forget. [5]

Amrit, this essay does not properly respond to the prompt provided. The focus of the essay is on a personal incident that happened to your family, then it moved on to discuss your grandmother, then finally, the community service that you do. Not once was the actual focus of the essay on you and how these events helped you develop into the person you are today. This cannot be used to specifically respond to any of the 5 common app prompt requirements because of the lack of focus of the essay.

So let me be clear about something. You will have to write a new essay. You have to pick one of the topics from the prompt. Either you describe your family (without the long unrelated story of your grandfather's heart attack), your grandmother and her influence upon you, or your community (but not how you help the community). If you opt to discuss the community, you have to talk about the community offers you opportunities to become a better person. Not how you help the community as a member of it. This essay is all about the positive influences in your life. So the stories have to revolve around how you were shaped by a specific person or place. You have to totally disregard everything that you originally wrote because the focus of this current essay is all wrong.

Undergraduate / Can you proofread my Personal Statement and tell me how to improve it? [3]

Zoraiz, we will gladly help you edit your essay if you will post the actual essay here. For security and anti-virus purposes, we are not allowed to download files from unknown sources to our computer systems. It is best that you follow our forum rules regarding the posting of essays in individualized threads so that you can get complete and enthusiastic guidance from both contributors and participants at this forum. We will be unable to help you with your essay unless you do so. Please upload your essay in this thread as soon as you can so that you can get assistance from us at the soonest possible time. We are all here to help you but we cannot help you in the method that you want us to. Our forum rules are very clear about this. If you wish to know more about uploading and editing guidelines, please refer to the FAQ or Student Talk section of this forum. Thank you.

As a personal statement, you must find a way to integrate a discussion of the course curriculum of the university that you are planning to apply for admission to in the essay. Depending upon your maximum word count, you will either increase the information contained in this personal statement or, you will have to remove some portions of the essay which relate more to a statement of purpose rather than a personal statement.

From the way your essay is currently written, you will need to further develop your last paragraph in order to deliver a concrete discussion about the university that you chose and why. The overall content of your essay may be considered relevant to the personal statement, provided that you have responded properly to the personal statement prompt.

If you were given a prompt or specific instructions to follow for the development of your personal statement, then kindly share those instructions with us here so that we can further scrutinize your work for compliance, relevance, and possible errors.

Graduate / I wrote an essay named Tet holiday on my life in Vietnam [2]

Letrang, while there are numerous problems with the grammar that you used in this essay, I would like to focus first on the content of your essay. You see, not everyone is familiar with the Tet holiday. So, in the first paragraph of your essay, you should have taken time to explain what the Tet holiday is all about to the reader. Is it like the Vietnamese Christmas? I think it is similar to that from what you have related in your essay. So explain about the history and tradition of the festival along those lines. Then, for your thesis statement or statement of topic discussion towards the end of the introduction, tell the reader what you will be discussing about the holiday in your essay. Say you will discuss your family experience and how it has changed over the years because of improvements to your life. That way, the rest of the discussion of the essay will make the reader understand more about you through the meaning of the holiday. If you can edit the content of the essay first, we can fix the grammar during the next round of reviewing your written work. Your essay first needs to make sense to the reader before the language can be fixed.

Undergraduate / For aliens, my life may seem like a dead plant. [12]

Khusel, I can't really respond to that in this thread. You see, this thread is dedicated to your other prompt, which we addressed in this thread. You have to start a new thread for the discussion of your common app activity prompt. This is a one topic per thread or one essay per thread forum. So post the other essay about the common app activity prompt, along with the essay you wrote for it in a new thread. That way I can better assess the prompt in relation to your full response. I cannot do that here because the admin will delete the discussion due to the one essay per thread ruling. I'll be on stand by. Post the other essay in a new thread. That way, I can also better review the work that you did. Right now, I am functioning on hearsay and it is difficult to judge your work this way.

Undergraduate / For aliens, my life may seem like a dead plant. [12]

Remove the reference to football and The Spectator. That is already being discussed in a different essay prompt. It does not fit with the rest of the essay content in this case. Pick it up from "I will do my best to deliver help..." in order to write a more concise essay based upon what I guided you to write. As for the Versatilist, yes, I believe you can use that developed response for the prompt requirement you provided. It should not be a problem to use because it does not require any more revision in your part in order to make it fit the prompt. It already responds to the prompt as it is. So, at this point, you already know what final revisions you need to apply to the current essay and also, that you don't need to apply revisions to the other one. As such, the essays will both be ready for submission after you apply the instructions. You don't have to ask me for final approval anymore.

Undergraduate / For aliens, my life may seem like a dead plant. [12]

Khusel, if you already mention the club in the common app activity portion, then you cannot use the same club activity in this section. One rule that colleges and universities are strict on in their applications is that they do not allow for redundancies or repeated discussions of the same topic in different essay prompts. Think of something else. I know it is difficult, but I am sure that you will find a way to do it. Look for a character trait of yours. It does not have to be a club. It can just be you helping to make other new students feel welcome by being friendly with them. You can say that people who first meet you think you are a snob so they are surprised to find out that you are a very friendly and helpful person once they get to know you. That is a layer of your onion that people won't know about if they don't peel off more layers of your onion skin. Try to use my suggested topic here to develop a statement along those lines. The one you have above would have been perfect to use, if you did not already use it before in a different application prompt. I am so sad about that.

Undergraduate / The book all of Colgate's Class of 2021 should read [5]

Alex, there is no need to tell the reviewer who recommended the book to you. All that is important is that you have a book to recommend. In paragraph one, you mention that there is a parallelism between the book and our current society. You need to quantify that statement by offering examples of the similarities you see. The idea, is to show the reviewer that you can spark a debate or analysis of the book topic based on commonalities. In order to create this strong presentation, you will need to revise your opening paragraph to include the examples. I know you already have 250 words in this essay so the best way to address the necessary information addition is by revising one part of the essay. Just revise the opening statement and leave the other paragraphs as is. Those will serve to be the supporting discussions from your point of view.

Graduate / The master program of my choice: PROJECT MANAGEMENT STUDY OBJECTIVES [4]

Mohanad, in order to create a more convincing study objective for your masters program, you should consider developing a real project during the course of your study for implementation in your country upon your graduation. So your study objective should contain your thesis statement, in reference to the problems that your country faces in terms of project and people management. Then, specifically mention how you feel that the training your will get from this university can help you prepare or better research the study objectives. Discuss any possible training programs, internships, mentor programs, or even just the classes that you hope can help you to achieve your objectives. Ensure that you will be able to account for your study objectives through a solid study platform based on your post study plans.

Undergraduate / Auto-presentation for the internet Platform "work away" [4]

Anna, this should be written in essay format. You are not writing a poem but rather an introduction to the reviewer. So trying to look poetic on paper is not the way to go. With regards to the content, you need to present it in a clearer and more straightforward manner such as;

Hi, I am Anna from Germany. Soon after I turn 18 this spring, I will also be taking my final A-Levels exam so I can get my high school diploma. I am not sure what my future will be like but I hope it includes something along the lines of completing studies in therapeutic pedagogy. Yes, I am interested in working with handicapped children because... That plan though, is still way far into the future. For now, I want to take a gap year to visit places all over the world. I want to travel and experience life because I believe that my life experiences will better prepare me for the demands and unexpected problems that college life may throw my way.

I have always been an open minded person who comes to life when I am interacting with other cultures and meeting new people. Having a friendly and uncomplicated personality has helped me survive in life. Even since my father died, I have needed to take on the responsibility of caring for myself, learning how to get along with other people, and also, succeeding in life without having to rely on anyone else. I know, you will think that an 18 year old isn't capable of doing that. It's not a problem for me though. My father died when I was still very young. So the scenarios I told you about are things that I learned to handle early on in my life. Being a young participant in this program is nothing to me. I know I can handle it.

Use my example above to help you develop a better presentation for your essay introduction or, use this for your application instead. I won't mind either way. Good luck with your application! I hope you get into the program.

Undergraduate / A timid boy living in own comfort zone. Changes made opportunities to achieve a lot more. [17]

Marcus, it would be better if you revise your concluding statement just a little. An integral part of your essay was the fact that your parents did not believe that you could survive going to school far away from home and without their guidance. It is important that you bring back the discussion that you had with your parents before you left for school. Discuss it as a pondering moment. Recall their concerns and then reflect on how far you have come since then. That way, you clearly challenged a belief or idea using a series of logical and proven discussions in support of your results. In the end, you should conclude that your parents worries and concerns that caused you to challenge their belief in you were unwarranted because you were able to perform in school in ways that amazed even you.

Undergraduate / A timid boy living in own comfort zone. Changes made opportunities to achieve a lot more. [17]

Marcus, you don't need to add more words to paragraph 3. You should just switch it around with the current closing paragraph because paragraph 3 makes for a concluding statement that carries a strong impact. You don't always have to meet the maximum word count for an essay. If you have nothing else to say, then you don't need to do that. As in this case, sometimes, all you have to do is rearrange certain portions in order to create a better and impressive essay. That is called editing and formatting. Review the essay at this point and see if there are portions that you may want to actually shorten or combine so that the essay will be quicker to read without losing out on some sentiments that you want to present. As I said, the essay is fine as it is. Just consider switching the paragraphs I told you about. Try it as an experiment. You might like the way that the essays closes in the new paragraph arrangement.

Undergraduate / "Describe a situation when you transformed your thoughts about a topic" (100 words or less) [2]

Nanda, in order to properly represent your response, you first have to present the issue concerned. In this case, I think it is about the case of pollution in Kathmandu right? So first, discuss what the point of view that you did not support was. Then, slowly evolve your sentences to show the clear point when you changed your mind about the issue and why. So the format will be:

1. Public opinion on an issue
2. Reason for that public opinion
3. Your original opinion on the issue
4. Reasons for your change in opinion

Don't try to be very literary in approach. Just present the facts as is because this is a word limited essay. Therefore, your response will be stronger if you just speak directly and to the point. There is no need for such creative descriptions. Just serious explanations.

Research Papers / Seeking Peer Review - The development and application of animal assisted therapy in human mental [2]

Shi, you need to revise your opening statement in order to present your thesis statement somewhere within that. Your thesis statement currently does not come in until the 3rd paragraph, which makes the essay improperly developed. For a properly researched paper, the thesis statement is always located in the introduction, without any additional information or in-text citations.

As far as your references are concerned, these are too old to be considered accurate research statements or results. As a rule of thumb, research information should never be older than 5 years old. That is because constant hypothesis, research, and results are being published as interest in the research topic becomes more widespread. Therefore, the most recent results of these studies are accurate only for a maximum of 5 years. After which, the information becomes irrelevant, questionable, or debunked so it cannot be thought of as accurate information anymore.

The topic you chose is highly interesting and really offers an opportunity to understand how canine therapy works. Although, I think it would be better if you focused the discussion on mental issues such as PTSD among those serving in the police or military. They are normally the ones who often need canine therapy dogs. If you want to go the medical route, you can cite the case of Carrie Fisher who, during her lifetime, suffered from Bipolar Disorder and as such, was assigned a canine therapy dog in order to prevent the onset of the mental attacks.

Undergraduate / A timid boy living in own comfort zone. Changes made opportunities to achieve a lot more. [17]

Marcus, this version that you developed portrays a better response to prompt 1 about the background story. Don't hesitate to use this version for that prompt when you submit your essays. The development of this essay pretty much offers an overview of how you learned to take responsibility for yourself and the resulting actions of your decisions, without really evolving into an adult. The background story shows that you have a determination to succeed in your life that is not commonly seen among teens of your age, at that time. I have to correct some grammatical issues with your essay though. Since all of these actions have already taken place, you have to convert the narrative to past tense. Right now, you are using present tense which makes the essay faulty because that means these events have yet to happen. We both know that the events have already happened so the tense presentation has to be corrected. I am sure that you know which points need to be corrected. All you have to do is review the essay and correct the tense presentations.

Scholarship / The vital role of aid assistance. Draft essay for an Australian Award Scholarship [7]

Bona, in the first paragraph, you do not need to enumerate the problems that your country is facing. Neither do you have to say that these problems have prepared you to study overseas. All you have to state in this paragraph are the name of the university, the course you wish to enroll in, the reasons that you believe completing this course will help you enact projects that will help your country upon your return, and potential projects that are related to your course that you feel you can implement in your home country after you graduate.

In the second paragraph, avoid redundancies. Just name the university as your second choice. There is no need to say "Secondly" anymore as you already indicate that the university is your second option in the opening sentence. Justify the statement you about the university having the ability to make a difference and become a positive influence in Cambodia. Offer relevant information about classes, training programs, and the like which can differentiate the previous university from this one.

Undergraduate / "What Would It Mean To You To Call Yourself A part of our university?" (100 words or less) [2]

Nanda, rather than wasting your valuable word count with word fillers in your first sentence, use that to enhance the statement instead. You mention a myriad of opportunities that the university offers its students beyond interdisciplinary schooling. Why don't you mention what these opportunities are? Give examples of organizations or exchange programs that will help to give value to your schooling there. That way you balance the extra curricular intellectual influence with the academic and athletic considerations that you have. It would also be unique if your statement has you developing a specific phrase, description, or title for yourself in order to better represent the "Call yourself" part of the prompt. How would you categorize all of the things you said into one word? Maybe a notable phrase? Even a hashtag would probably work to further create a unique sense within your response.

Undergraduate / Innovation and Seeking the Truth [7]

I am not sure what you mean by using your own target. You will have to explain that to me. I don't see anything in the prompt that requires you to target anything. What you are being asked to discuss is a belief system rooted in values that you have developed over your life. Some of these values actually already exist as examples based upon how your parents raised you. For some specific examples of these values, you can refer to the following list:

1. Respect for your elders
2. The importance of friends and friendship
3. Being a responsible member of the family
4. Doing your job accurately as a student
5. Cultural values that emanate from traditions in your country or community.

I hope that based upon the examples above, you can now find something more responsive to the prompt to write about. What I have provided is just a general listing. It is up to you to find the specific examples for discussion in your essay response.

Undergraduate / For aliens, my life may seem like a dead plant. [12]

Khusel, that is not the correct response either. The essay is asking to respond in a manner similar to this example:

If you were to peel away at my onion exterior, you would find a layer of personality that dislikes conflict. Which is why I do my best to get along with people. I also do my best to mediate between my friends, classmates, and co-workers because I believe that conflict has no place in any relationship. Be it professional or personal, it is important that someone recognize the fact that discord only creates a disturbance in the cooperative nature of a community. This is the the layer of my personality that I plan to bring to the university with me. As a regular student who lives on campus, I will do my best to foster camaraderie and kinship among my classmates, regardless of political belief, sexual orientation, gender, or status in life. I believe that college studies are the great equalizers in this instance so everybody has to learn to just get along and not make enemies of others. It is my hope that I will be able to use these qualities of mine as a mediator to help create a unique Whitman student community.

Write an original essay that takes inspiration from what I wrote above. Find that special character trait of yours that can help to make the student community an even better place to live in during your next 4 years as a student there.

Graduate / English Essay for graduate school to describe experience with English [2]

Lisa, there is actually no need for you to refer to the fact that Chinese students in the exchange program still spoke in Chinese. That is irrelevant to the essay. The focus should only be upon how your exchange family helped you to master the English languages, as best as you could, within those two weeks. By the way, it is important that you mention the name of the exchange program and the dates that you were in the USA because the reviewer may want to to verify the information as part of your application credentials. Double check your book titles for capitalization errors. you have Pride and Prejudice written in lower case. Being the title of a book, this has to be written using upper case for the first letter of each word.

Undergraduate / For aliens, my life may seem like a dead plant. [12]

Khusel, the essay that you wrote is nowhere near responding properly to the prompt. This is an essay that is asking you to consider what kind if talent, personality, or degree of helpfulness that you can share with the Walla Walla community. I know that you have written some other application prompts that somewhat discuss these topics. However, this essay is asking you to be more specific. For example, if you were not allowed to discuss a particular advocacy or interest of yours in the other prompts, you can do that in this essay. This is all about getting to know you better by finding out how you plan to interact with the student community of the university. Think of something that is special about you. It could be a talent or a skill that you have not presented in the other essays. Maybe you are an active participant in theater plays or musicals? Or you like doing community service when you are not in class? Come up with a unique presentation for one of your extra curricular interests that could boost the way that the student community will benefit from.

Undergraduate / Passion for Neuroscience transfer intent essay [5]

James, while you present a clear discussion of the objectives that you hope to achieve through your university transfer. Aside from the fact that CSUn doesn't offer this major, you do not present a strong discussion for the reasons that have compelled you to transfer to this new university. For example, you could have presented a discussion regarding the kind of training that you hope to achieve during this transfer. Remove the focus from Dr. Tamae and the contribution the professor made to your academic enlightenment at CSUN. Instead, try to find a similar professor at the new university whose research is along the lines of Neuroscience has excited you and made you realize that switching schools is the only way that you can achieve academic satisfaction at this period in your life.

Undergraduate / The book all of Colgate's Class of 2021 should read [5]

Alex, while I agree with you about the need for students to start reading more books. The discussion that you presented does not follow the criteria set out by the university regarding the type of books that they recommend to the students for literary enlightenment. Your book does not engage the student in an intellectual debate, nor promote critical thinking among those who will have read the book. Unless you can discuss which portions of the book directly relate to those 2 criteria, the book you chose will be nothing but an irrelevant source of fiction. The book that normally fits in this prompt is a non fiction book.

Regardless of who wrote the book, the suggestion of the reading material that comes from you has to accomplish a number of things. First, it has to have an interesting premise for discussion among a group of readers. Second, the writer has to have the ability to spark a debate based upon his beliefs as espoused in his book. Finally, it has to be intellectual in the sense that it will teach the reader about something that he may not learn in the classroom.

Undergraduate / Baseball and my grandfather matters to me. [3]

Antonio, this essay is confusing in content. Which is it that matters most to you? Your grandfather, the time spent with your grandfather, or the baseball play? When you are asked to discuss what matters to you, the essay is premised on the fact that there is something in your life that you treasure dearly. Rather than focusing baseball and the time you spent with your grandfather watching it, you can opt to rather say that what you value the most is the time you spent with your grandfather. That way, you can integrate your final paragraph into the overall sense of the essay. At the moment, that paragraph carries importance in the narrative, but is presented in an irrelevant manner so it does not merge well with the earlier paragraphs. In order to keep that paragraph relevant, you will need to revise the first few paragraphs of your essay to slowly introduce that statement.

Undergraduate / Aspiring to Help Others as the way to achieve success - Essay A [4]

Marissa, I am really not sure which prompt this essay is responding to. What do you mean by Essay A? It would really help everyone here if you could provide a copy of the complete prompt. That way we can stop thinking of the essay that you wrote as an imperfect and confusing personal essay. I think that you are trying to discuss an obstacle that you had to overcome. Am I right? If I am, then say so so that we can put our heads together here and help you better develop your response for the prompt. If I am nowhere near the right topic, then please, point us all in the right direction. As of now, the narrative is too general in focus. It could discuss a few different things at this point. Like i said, it feels like a personal statement, but also gives the vibe of an overcoming the obstacle essay. Perhaps if you can decide which of the two prompt topics you really want to write about, we will be able to help you better.

Undergraduate / New environment, educational system and fresh attitude. Why The New School? - International student [5]

Inmaculada, the way I read your essay, you come across as an aimless and disinterested person when it comes to your education. That is why you chose to apply at this student created curriculum university. So, rather than seeming so aimless and without a clue in terms of your future, talk about a unique future for yourself that will combine the best classes at The New School. Make the reviewer understand that you are not without a direction or a so called "professional college student" who just keeps taking seminars because she can't figure out what she really wants to do in her life. Try to at least develop a related direction for the classes you are to create for yourself. That means, you have to pick the major that you are most attracted to and develop a sense of how you will become a unique graduate of the school based upon the classes you are interested in enrolling in . One more thing. I might be best if you write this essay in your mother tongue then use an online translator to convert it to English. That should help make your essay more grammar adherent when it comes to the presentation of the discussion.

Scholarship / I feel pride in the fact that my job is to save the planet earth [3]

Saim since you completed a degree in Business Administration, there is no clear connection between the environmental studies that you wish to pursue and your profession. As a reviewer for this scholarship foundation, I will not be confident in the knowledge that you do not have any environmental background in terms of academic preparation. So, it would be best if you omit mentioning your college degree for the time being. Instead, focus your discussion on your work with the WWF and other environmental programs that you can mention as part of your proper qualifications.

Next, there is no set time frame for your completion of this course as indicated in your instructions. The best way to discuss the time frame would be to present your environmental ideas in relation to the education you hope to receive and then explain the number of years required to complete the academic training as per the university guidelines.

Scholarship / The link between my desire for contributions and my current career [4]

A creative title would be something along the lines of "I'm a Philanthropic Accountant" or "I'm an Accountant, What Would I Learn from Philanthropy?" Make it exciting and eye catching. After you come up with an interesting title, you can post the full prompt, in its original form in the box, before you post the actual essay.

Do not offer information that is not being asked for in the essay. In this instance, your plans for after you graduate are irrelevant to the discussion of your course and university choices. So do not include your after study plans. The reviewer's tend to frown upon the students who try to present discussions that are not required just because the student feels it is important. By doing that, you will prove to the reviewer that you either do not know how to follow instructions or, you just tend to ignore specific orders. In which case, that will end up being a negative mark on your application.

Neither of the stories that you mention about your activities with the children apply. Why are you focused on future contributions discussions in this essay? Read the prompt again, those are not required information at this point. Just discuss how you developed the interest in Philanthropy and the universities you have chosen to apply to.

When you discuss how you developed this interest, you need to focus on the influences that led you to this point. The definition of Philanthropy is "the desire to promote the welfare of others, expressed especially by the generous donation of money to good causes." or, "an act or gift done or made for humanitarian purposes". So the discussion about how you chose this course should involve the kind of financial contribution that you made for the welfare of the community. Neither of your examples do that.

Instead, you should be discussing how Accounting led you to the desire to become a Philanthropist. What was it about your accounting career that led you to believe that you should change career paths from Accounting to Philanthropy? Develop the explanation as to how this could have happened because the connection between the two lines of study are not quite clear in your essay.

I believe that you are trying to get advice for a different essay at this point. Please don't try to do that. Don't try to work the system. You will get suspended if you continue to do this. Stick to only the required elements of the original essay that you posted. If you cannot do that then I will no longer offer you my help and advice. As a contributor here, I cannot and will not violate the terms of use of the forum.

Scholarship / The link between my desire for contributions and my current career [4]

Shierley, you will need to learn how to develop original and interesting essay titles for your succeeding essays otherwise you will risk being suspended from the forum. You violated the rules of the forum when you used the full prompt for the title instead of developing a creative title for it. Consider this a friendly warning from a contributor. Don't wait for the admin to warn you. They have the ability to suspend you after warnings are given and you do not change the way that you participate in the forum.

In addition to that, do not post new essays in this thread. This thread is dedicated only to the first essay that you posted. You will need to start a new thread for each essay that you want reviewed. If you add a new essay to this thread, the admin will immediately delete it and issue a warning. That could come with a suspension also eventually. Follow the rules strictly. Only one essay per thread.

It is not wise to start your essay from "elementary school". The essays that start at that point of education are often taken with a sense of disbelief by the reviewer because "elementary school" is not capable of opening the eyes of a student or a person in the manner that you represent in the essay. From the way that I read your work, it would be best if you indicate that your interest in Philanthropy started in college or with the online course instead. More importantly, you should offer an example of your personal participation in Philanthropy if you want to create a solid foundation for your decision to enroll in this proposed course. You cannot just tell the reviewer about information. You have to show him relevant examples in order to convince him to believe what you are saying.

When you discuss your 2 university choices, you need to discuss each university in a specific and separate paragraph. You cannot make a convincing plea for your case if you are telling the scholarship reviewer that the universities do not have any differences. There has to be a priority 1 and priority 2 university in this case. With each difference or highlight of the university course offering being used as the reason for your ranking them in that order.

Undergraduate / A timid boy living in own comfort zone. Changes made opportunities to achieve a lot more. [17]

You can definitely keep the last paragraph in its original form Marcus. It is actually a very good discussion to close the essay on because your information and ideas are combined to come full circle in support of the discussion. The changes that I suggested are actually going to help to further strengthen this discussion and allow you to better represent the adult transition to the reviewer. The major edits of your essay belong in the first half. That is the part that I am telling you to combine or edit in order to help with your word count or focus the content of the essay in the best manner possible. I believe that the changes, once applied, should result in an essay that will be ready for you to use. Please try to apply the changes as soon as you can for final review. I'll be on stand by in anticipation of your revised essay.