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Posts by dumi
Joined: Oct 4, 2010
Last Post: Sep 10, 2014
Threads: 1
Posts: 6793  
From: Sri Lanka

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dumi   
Apr 27, 2013
Graduate / Want to work in R&D Sector; Motivation Letter/MSc-Regenerative Biology&Medicine [3]

I think you have written a good motivation letter. It's clear and contains the substance that they would be interested in knowing. Only thing I wish you to do more is that expanding on this;

University of -XXXX- is one of the strongest in research especially in the field of medicine and life science.

Tell them why you particularly like this university. Talk about a few features that caught your attention and align them with your objectives and goals.

I hope the following web sites may provide you with some further helpful insights.
dumi   
Apr 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / "Foreign students need to be patient"- Report on adjustments for overseas students [3]

Going abroad is the important decision that we all want to do in our life.

... I think you should specify the purpose here; it's studying abroad and not going abroad. Also, since this is a report, I think it is better to keep in a more generalized manner. This is what I suggest;

Studying abroad is an important decision that many students need to make in their lives.

However, overseas students also face with many problems when they study in the other nation.

However, overseas students also face many issues when they study in a foreign land.

For example, in my country, people have been familiar with self-studying to encounterreach their targets.

. As thea result, international students from our country first will practicefind teamwork confusedly.confusing

For example, in my country, students engage in self-study mostly without studying in groups. This may cause them finding hard to fit into group studying in a foreign country as they begin their studies abroad.
dumi   
Apr 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / Increasing dependence on technology & the ability of thinking for ourselves [2]

Technology, broadly speaking, can be defined as an innovative vehicle for the facilitation and convenience of ourlife and work as well.

... "life" incorporates everything about it, so work is also embedded in it.

Technology, broadly speaking, can be defined as an innovative vehicle for the facilitation and convenience of our life and work as well. It is apparent to see that these modern technological devices, such as smart phones, laptops, microwave ovens, bring us the diversity and entertainment from almost all aspects of our life

In my view, the main reason why people become so dependent on technology is that they offer more convenient and efficient solutions to almost every need of our lives and at the same time technology itself creates new needs and wants for people influencing heavily to have adjustments in their life-styles.
dumi   
Apr 26, 2013
Graduate / Master of Arts - Community Health Personal Statement - Why do you want to pursue this [2]

, I appreciated it and I learned so much.

I smiled and thanked her for her admiring comments.

I smiled and thanked for her encouraging comments.

I learn so much thatand I bringtake it home to my dad and I teach him how healthy we can be when we make things like the apple slices

This approach is a strong one in convincing a third party (admission panel) ; you tell them your background through your own experiences. I like it. However, I wish if you shortened this a little bit because in some places the idea seems to be getting repeated. Take the essence of this experience and present it creatively. You can do it. :)
dumi   
Apr 26, 2013
Scholarship / Ausaid scholarship for Master in Professional Accounting [6]

Thank you so much sir...if sir could kindly send me a sample of this essay....

Well... I don't have such samples. But you can certainly find similar essays if you google or even search for similar topics here. However, what you write should represent your originality. It's ok to get ideas by reading what others have done, but do not get carried away or copy. Have courage and start writing. Then post it here for our feed backs. That's the way to keep improve your writing.
dumi   
Apr 26, 2013
Undergraduate / Obstacles to Overcome to become a Successful College Student [3]

You have too many general statements in this response. I think you need to tell more about you than letting your words be consumed for such comparisons and general trends. This is your chance to tell them about how successfully you managed difficult situations in pursuing your goal. Pick up those events and through them show your strong personality to the admission panel. They would be more interested to know you as a person.
dumi   
Apr 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / I strongly believe that life in a big city is extremely enjoyable [7]

From my point of view, it is much more convenient to live in a big city.

This is your opinion.... It is better to start your essay by introducing the topic to the reader as he does not know the background of your writing. First introduce your topic and then state your opinion on the argument.

I guess you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL.
dumi   
Apr 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / People dream things that are often almost impossible achieve;Compare &Contrast Essay [4]

In some cases people tend to dream about thoughts that are often almost to impossible to do for certain people.

Some people dream about things that others may tend to view as impossible to achieve.

Even though theretheir dreams are way out of reach, that doesn't stop Herbert Nitsch and Dean Potter from doing what they are believing in; surpassing their limits.

.... pay attention to grammar; if you want to express this in past tense then it should be "wer believing"

In breathless, Herbert had always dreamed about staying underwater whereas Dean's dream iswas to fly without a parachute not equipment attached to him.

.... maintain one tense and also pay attention to punctuation.

Both "Breathless" and "Icarus 2010" sends the message that even though there hobbies are completely different, they are willing to go the distance to achieve their goals without having any sort of strings attached to them.

Both "Breathless" and "Icarus 2010" convey the message that even though they had completely different interests, they both were willing to go the extra mile to make their dreams a reality taking up all the challenges that came their way.
dumi   
Apr 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / Most difficult aspects of learning a new language ; TOEFL ibt [7]

First I didn't know the rules because i am a new user so i am sorry sir :D

That's alright... please follow those guidelines in your threads :D

Then i would ask if this introduction is accurate?

Everybody feels curious to discover new cultures and traditions of other countries.Tt herefore he/she resorts to learn a new languages in order to achievefulfill theirthese desires.
Thereby learning a new language ledwould lead to meetexplore new cultures and people, but even though it seems really interesting it has many difficult aspectsis not an easy task .

Well there are several issues with your introduction... First, there are grammar issues. Then other issues like vocabulary, presentation, flow etc. That is alright as you are still a beginner. You can improve a lot if you practice more. Write more essays and post them here for feed backs. You display potential to improve a lot.
dumi   
Apr 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ;Taking enough time to do things is better than finishing in a hurry [6]

....Very interesting paragraph. You write very well and I like the way you present your ideas. That's quite unique :) Well done and keep it up! :)

Here are a few suggestions that may sometimes help you with some key words and vocab. (What you've written is perfectly alright & these are just suggestions!) :)

Living in modern world, many people live lives rushing behind time.

Living in modern world, many people live fast lives just fighting to cope with time.

Bankers want to spend every second on gaining money.

Bankers want to spend every second on maximizing their profits.

Bankers should try to make the economy keep steady and healthy rather than earning money

Bankers should try to help the economy grow steadily and healthier rather than just making profits.
Good writing :)
dumi   
Apr 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / What is your idea about children's studying at boarding school? [2]

Boarding school is a relevant example in this pattern

.... Before coming to this point, it's better if you introduced the other options as well, since you say there are many options available. Just mention what they are and then come to this point. Reader would then be more convinced.

Some people give preferenceto the boarding school in order to better education and other reasons.

.... better present this as a comparison;
Some people give preference to the boarding school because they believe this option allows a student to gain experiences that is not possible to achieve while studying in his or her home station.
dumi   
Apr 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, Increasing weight of people - causes and solutions [5]

bad food habits

... "bad eating habits" includes both ideas of eating the wrong food as well as wrong eating patterns.

lack of movement.

.... lack of physical exercises.
Good introduction :)

As I have already mentioned one of the principal causes of overweight is wrong nutrition

Paying less attention to a balanced diet which is rich in nutrient value is the main reason for becoming overweight.

In order to help people to form healthy diet government and mass media should promote healthy diet and fast food restaurants should begin to offer a wider range of salads and vegetable soups.

... "healthy diet" gets repeated..
Good essay.... You follow the right structure and you display good writing skills. Good Luck!
dumi   
Apr 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / GRE Argument Essay- Skateboarders VS. Shop Owners [2]

The Central Plaza store owner makes a generalized conclusion that the increase in the population of skateboarders and higher incidence of vandalism and littering has negatively affected the number of shoppers at this particular location.

The Central Plaza store owner's concludes that increase in popularity of skateboarding and the level of vandalism and littering have caused a decrease in their business. However, this conclusion seems to be based on many assumptions that lack logical reasoning.

There are many holes in this assumption and many questions about this situation need to be answered before any mandates go into place.

There are many gray areas in this assumption and they need to be answered before taking any serious action on this issue.

Are skateboarders the actual reason for the decrease?

Can skateboarders be the only reason for the decrease?
dumi   
Apr 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - Teenage years are the Happiest time of life? [2]

Some people think that the days attending school are the happiest time of most people's life while the others think that the adults are happier excluding the greater responsibilities.

...."some" & " most" tend to confuse the reader. Also your idea in this line is not clearly presented. This is what I suggest;

Some people believe that teenage years are the happiest time in one's life while other think elders enjoy better

lot of time for dream.

lot of time to dream/ a lot of time for dreaming

On one hand, teenagers have the happiest time.

... Why do you start your paragraph like this? I think you should have started the para with the next line
dumi   
Apr 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / Why do you think people attend colleges?career preparation, new experiences [2]

.... I dont get what you mean by "developing of science and technology"

Two common important reasons for attending universities are career preparation, new experiences.

... there's no colon (I removed it)

In the first place, people attend universities, because universities prepare them for careers.

In the first place, people attend universities in hope of having themselves equipped with required knowledge and skills for future careers

According to the report was published by the Iran labor ministry in 2012,

According to the report published by the Iran labor ministry in 2012

In the second place, entering the university leads to new experiences.

... your idea seems to get repeated in all these sentences. Better not repeat ideas and in every line you should tell something new to the reader. Then your essay would be more interesting to read. This is what I suggest;

Secondly, students look forward to gaining new experiences during their university life. Being adolescents who have just completed high school, they are eager to experience independence.
dumi   
Apr 25, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2; What is teacher's role? Should they teach academic subjects only? [2]

There is no doubt that teachers should take responsibilities for teaching students to judge right and wrong and behave well although some people is in the opposite side

...... although some people believe otherwise.

Nowadays, students spend almost their time on studies in school with their teachers and friends. So that, there is a huge influence of these people to their attitude and the way they behave.

First, in one's student life, he or she spends most of the day in the company of teachers and peers. Therefore teachers and peers have a great influence in shaping the attitude and behavior of students
dumi   
Apr 25, 2013
Scholarship / The dream of most students; Scholarship essay [4]

Obtaining a scholarship is most students' dream especially students who are going from developing countries like Bangladesh to developed countries like Japan for higher education.

Obtaining a scholarship is a dream of many students, especially the ones who live in developing countries like Bangladesh. For them, receiving higher education in Japan is really a very colorful dream.

Scholarships have unique benefits and are the most desirable form of financial aid and financial assistance is a necessity for many college students, particularly those planning careers that require many years of education beyond the undergraduate level.

... well... this is true, but everybody including your admission panel knows about this. Tell them something unique and something relevant to you.
dumi   
Apr 25, 2013
Writing Feedback / Most difficult aspects of learning a new language ; TOEFL ibt [7]

First, you need to provide a meaningful topic in the subject field when you open a new thread. It's a forum rule and please be follow it!

therefore he resorts to learn a new language in order to achieve these desires.

.... why he? there can be she's too :D
This is the main reason why people show a great interest in learning new languages.

Thereby learning a new language led to meet new cultures and people, but even though it seems really interesting it has many difficult aspects.

... This is the same idea you already told the reader and therefore this line sounds as a repetition.
Also, you do not properly introduce your topic theme to the reader in the introduction. The purpose of introduction is primarily to introduce your topic. You do not talk about the difficult aspects of learning a new language there.
dumi   
Apr 25, 2013
Writing Feedback / 'Learning never stops' - Learn from a teacher or by yourself? [4]

Hi Joseph,
First I request you to have a meaningful topic in the subject field when you make a post. It's an important forum rule.
Good introduction.

Having a teacher is the most mainstream way of learning, people like it because they can share experiences with the teacher that knows more about the subject they're learning.

Having a teacher is the traditional way of learning. Most people still prefer this method because it allows students to learn from a more learned and experienced person.

Schools are a very simple example of having a teacher, schools are where students usually gather in groups and a teacher explains them the lessons.

Why do you lengthen your sentences with commas? Have one sentence for one idea.
dumi   
Apr 25, 2013
Essays / Travel Changes Lives; 280-320 Word Article [2]

I would be very grateful if you helped me.

This is an interesting topic, but it's easy for you to write if you really have travel experience as well as a passion for travel. If so, you can bring in your own experiences into this essay. However, these are a few points for you to expand on;

1. How your experience broadened your perspectives
2. How it helped you to transform into a different personality ...for example, if you have been a very shy person, how this experience helped you to come out of your shell

3. How it helped you to be more confident
4.How it changed your perception about other people
dumi   
Apr 25, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay---No one should be allowed to work after the age of 65(Discussion) [5]

Nowadays,an increasing number of people are concerned about work right

... work right?
Nowadays, many people express their concerns over the ideal retirement age.

Whether people should continued to work

.... should continue / should be continued

From my perspective,people who come from some special careers should work longer than 65 if they want to.

In my view, the retirement age may vary according to the profession. People with expertise in certain specialized fields can continue even after sixty five years if they are fit enough to offer their services.
dumi   
Apr 25, 2013
Undergraduate / PERSONAL STATEMENT; I started my long challenging life journey at five [5]

After a month i memorized three versus of holy Quran and I was prized by my uncle with cash and a month later my father was too glad to see me able of reading holy Quran by myself.

... I feel your uncle's gift does not contribute much for this idea. This is my suggestion;
Within a month I was able to memorize three versus of holy Quran and I still remember how my father's eyes gleamed with happiness when he heard me reading holy Quran all by myself.

[

I was prized

...I was rewarded
Well.... talking about your achievements in a row sounds a bit overdoing and exaggerating. I wish if you change this presentation a little bit.
dumi   
Apr 25, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS : Have modern ways of preparing food improved the way people live? [11]

Perhaps since the time that humans evolved and learned the way to cook food,

Food is a necessity for all live organisms. Perhaps since the time human evolved and learned the way to cook food, it has been considered the most challenging task for many people. Nowadays, the modern technologies have also affected our conventional ways of cooking food along with many other changes in our lifestyle. I believe that this change has introduced many benefits to us and in rest of the essay I will discuss its significance on our life.

As always, you write well and this is a fine introduction. However, it is even better if you introduce the prompt , the argument, in its real sense. It talks about how the easiness of preparing food using modern technology affects the life style of people. Not much is talked on this in your introduction. Just pay a little attention to that :)
dumi   
Apr 25, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 ; Are talents inborn or trained? [5]

However, the question is whether it is so ideal that we can ignore individuals' natutral talent when it comes to being really good in certain feilds.

... you give a great start, but there is a drop in your flow here. This line is a bit confusing and does not beautifully convey your idea.

However, the question is that whether it is prudent to ignore one's natural inborn talent, especially in the fields like music or sports.

Numerous people stand for it because there are a lot of successful examples that people became masters of some areas with the help of continued training and duided practice rather than innate talent.

... stand for what? ... There is no clear reference to this from the previous paragraph. There you talk about both sides
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS task2 - Childen should/should not obey rules made by parents and teachers [4]

I tend to agree that too much rules and instructions given to children would restrictstrain their personality development.

.... I prefer the word "strain" to "restrict" for this idea. Too much controls may strain one's creativeness and freedom. Also I included the word " personality" because this issue deals more with one's ability to grow as an independent person.

There are several factors that make people believe the absolute obedience of rules is of necessity. Firstly, the rules made by experienced parents and teachers set up moral standards that children can follow. When they are under the control by well-constructed rules, children tend to be unlikely involved in delinquent or criminal acts. Secondly, following appropriate rules or guidance in childhood period means that children will be more adoptive to the workforce when they become adults. It is because most companies and organisations often have a series of policies which employees need to follow compulsorily.

... You are giving very good reasons here, but you do not back them with specific examples. My feeling is that you can stop at giving one reason because you need to manage time also. However, support that reason with a more specific example because you would earn marks for that.
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / Competition sports,both team and individual have no place in student's curriculum? [5]

Nowadays, in order to expanding education, necessity to physical activities is the most prominent stuffs.

... First this sentence sounds confusing to the reader. It really does not deliver your idea :( You can present this idea in a much more effective way. It sounds like too concise and trimmed. Why not use direct speech more in your essays? That helps you convey your ideas freely in a more comprehensible way.

Nowadays, schools place a higher priority for physical activities of their students in order to achieve a healthy balance between their academic and social growth.
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1: Letter to the neighbors to apologize for the noise [2]

I was terribly sorry to receive your letter complaining about the noise brought from my flat last Friday night

I was terribly sorry to learn about the noise created by us that disturbed the neighborhood on the night of last Friday.

Please allow me to explain a little that we threw a welcome party for my sister who was just back from Australia after 4 years studying abroad.

While I acknowledge our fault and accept the responsibility of this inappropriate conduct, I humbly request you to allow me to explain why this incident occurred that night.

Good writing & good luck! :)
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / "Learning starts with failure; the first failure is the beginning of education." [4]

All of us when born are like flower buds and if not kept under favourable conditions might not bloom properly.

... A small suggestion;
All of us are like flower buds as we are born and if not the conditions are kept favorable for their growth, these buds may not bloom properly.

Thus, even those who are born with a lot of skills are supposed to be under proper guidance to blossom their own adroitness.

Therefore, even those who have inborn talents require proper guidance to nurture their adroitness.

The truth of this assertion is evident when we go throughlives of different personality's lifepersonalities starting from singers to cricketers to scientists and the richest person on Earth.

The truth of this assertion is evident when we analyse the lives of different personalities who have been able to made their mark on the world irrespective of the field they represent.
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Essays / "What is Memorial Day, and what does it mean to me?"; Need ideas [4]

If you knew anyone who served in the army, or gave their life in the army, you could talk about how Memorial Day is your way of remembering and honoring them. It would make for a good personal connection. Or if you don't have anyone like that, you could just talk about how Memorial Day is important to you because you think our soldiers deserve to be honored. Hope that helps a little. :)

This is good advice. As per the structure, I suggest you to introduce the concept of Memorial Day and why it is importance and significance to your nation at large. Then narrow it down to how it is important to you. If you don't have an experience as suggested by KarkatVantas, you can do a little bit of research and find out a touchy and inspiring story about a fallen hero. Then mold that story to what you need to express in this essay.
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Speeches / Brain to learn - Should students work part time? No they shouldn't. [4]

We can see several students who work while studying at school. There are several reasons for doing so. Many are forced to find a job either to fund their education or to help their families. On the other hand, there are several students who are willing to work so as to gain experience. But, in the fact it doesn't like they think! In my opinion student shouldn't take a part-time job. Today, I want to talk 3 main reasons:

Even this is for a speech (that's what indicated and I assume that's the purpose of this writing), it' s good for you to introduce the topic to the listeners. Your topic is about whether it is good for the students to work part time while they are studying. So, start your speech with this introduction and then come to reasoning. You need to assume that listener does nothing about your topic and it is your duty to introduce it to the reader.
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ;Taking enough time to do things is better than finishing in a hurry [6]

People have different ways in treating things.

People have different approaches in doing things.

like to take their time

... like to take their own cool time

. In my opinion, on the premise of finishing things before deadline, it has more advantages to do things slowly than quickly.

.... strong statement.... very impressive :)

Taking enough time to do things is better than finishing in a hurry. Especially for people who are workplace newbies, they are not familiar with the work at the beginning. So they need time to study and work.

...You tell the reason broadly and then narrow it down to a specific example to convince your idea.
Taking enough time to do things carefully is better than finishing in a hurry, especially when you are a newbie. Suppose a person who just joined a company. This person is not familiar with the work he or she is assigned with at the beginning.
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / Listen to teachers or Get involved in discussing ; Type of CLASS I like [6]

.In some school or universities just teachers lecture in class , on the other hand there are some schools or universities in which students can take part in class or do some of talking .

In some schools, the teachers govern the lectures in the class rooms and they do not get students involved in the teaching sessions. However, in some other schools, students play a more participatory role during lectures.

I like second method because in that condition students can have interaction with each other or teacher and express their idea , also in this way students can concentrate on lessons much better and I believe this method raises students self confidence .

I prefer this second method because it opens a window for the student to get involved with the lecture in a more lively manner. It helps student become confident in the subject, express his ideas clearly and also enjoy the lessons he learns.
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS - International Tourism becomes more common than earlier. [7]

By the advent of globlization and increased tourisim promotion, many peple start to travel across world frequently.

.... Good start :)

.theThe growth of travel industry has brought great attention to people with differntdifferent attitudes.

Very impressive introduction. :)

its hotel industry, transportation, local business all flourishes .

itIt will certainly revive the revenue resource of a country as well aswhile generating huge empolymentemployment opportunities.

More over, tourism also enhance the infrastructural development of itsa country in order to welcome the influx of travellers, which eventually benefits well the local facilities and people to achieve a accomplished life style.

You present very smart reasons in this paragraph. However, your examples seem to be a bit more general and not so specific. This task expects specific reasons and examples. So, pay attention to that fact.You can pick one of the things you said in this para and expand on it. For example, take the line;

For instance, when a country receives tourists all over the world, its hotel industry, transportation, local business all flourishes.

Then expand on this idea by giving a more specific example to show how these industries prosper.
Your writing is excellent. Pay a little attention to meet the requirements of this task
Good Luck!
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / "Who wants to be a millionaire?" - a popular TV Show [3]

Charles answered the first questions with ease

Charles answered the first few questions with ease.
You say there had been an episode where the contestant cheated and it was not shown on TV. Then comes the Charles's story. Then you say;

The episode due to its length limit came on and. The recording would continue next night.

These ideas are very loosely connected and that disturbs your flow. You need to set up strong links between your ideas. If you start a totally new idea, move to a fresh para.

Also, if you write these for practicing English writing, there is another good way to do it. Pick up IELTS or TOEFL topics (you can find loads of them here on EF)... They are simple topics that can help you express your ideas clearly and in a structured manner. I guess it helps a lot for improving one's English writing :)
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Scholarship / I'm from Baluchistan; my autobiography/ SCHOLARSHIP to study in America [3]

I am Javed Ahmed Khan and I belong to Baluchistan, district Pishin.Which is far-flung form economic hub and also is both backward educationally and socially

I am Javed Ahmed Khan from Pishin, a district of Baluchistan, which is far from an economically developed state. The education and social systems too are pretty backward.

I completed my matric from Saint Francis Grammar schoolin sound numbers and a part from it I have very proactive personality and was one of the vocal student in the academy career.

... This line sounds confusing;
what do you mean by "sound numbers" ? your scores?
Also, why you say you are a proactive personality.... it sounds vague and confusing if you do not support that claim with proof...
vocal student? were you outspoken?
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / College years bring to individuals the experience and worth remembered memory [7]

It may be argued that the retirement years are the best time in one's life, because people are not under the stressful life anymore. However, it is assured that no one want to miss the terrific affairs in college years that have been a wonderful memory to many people even in a long time later.

.... Okkkkkk.... you need to provide an example to support your claim that college would create long lasting pleasurable memories that people can enjoy throughout their lives.... Also, I think you need not to write a third body paragraph. Two would be more than enough if you've done a good job with them. The two paras before this are fine and you can easily do away with this.... Remember, you've got to manage time too :D
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / Report - production of colored paper clips. [4]

Oh Dumi, I means the system worked at best as it can in current time. So i use as well as possible. Is it wrong? :D

I think your idea does not come right the way it is expressed.

The system has operatedas well as possible , but I also suggest some recommendations aimed at reaching better productivity.

You can say; The performance of this system is quite satisfactory. However, I intend to make a few recommendations in hope of further improving its productivity.

By the way, is it ok if I give a short recommendation?

I think they expect it. You need to include every feature they expect. Next time, upload the diagram and type the prompt as well... Then I can check whether your response is aligned with the prompt.

I'm so glad to receive your comments Dumi :P

... sure .... glad to comment on your threads :)
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Scholarship / Adapting to High School, becoming well-rounded. --Lehigh Appeal. [3]

Nice approach and it's very well presented.... Why don't you name the students as X and Y instead of A and B? The reason is that you also talk about the gradings too with As and Bs (A+, B- ) and that gives a bit crowded and confusing look to your response :)

I like the way you've written it
Wish you good luck!
dumi   
Apr 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / Punishment for misconduct of school children [2]

The idea of punishment is nothing new in human community and its purpose is to deter misconduct in society.

The idea of punishment is nothing new to us and its main objective is to deter misconduct in society.

The principal argument in favour of removingexpelling students is that it sets an example for others.

... "remove" is wrong here because it does not apply to a situation like this.

The principal argument in favour of removing students is that it sets an example for others. As evident from human behaviour the fear of punishment is more effective in restraining culprits. To illustrate this, Saudi Arabia is a country that verdicts death penalty when someone is found possessing drugs. Therefore, ratio of drug related crimes in the country is almost 0%. Contrarily, most Western countries, besides having effective law and order system, are now considering alternate ways of dealing with this curse, such as according to a recent report UK is considering establishment of areas where addicts will be free to use drugs. This case clearly shows that generally strict penalties keep people away from crimes. Hence, in some societies students are forced to leave schools on account of misbehave.

... you are very correct... So, sometimes hard punishments are more than fine :D

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